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Don’t Let Money Ruin Your Marriage

A list of 34 questions to ask before the wedding.
By Ron L. Deal


What do most couples argue over? Money. In fact, a 2014 survey by Money Magazine found that 70 percent of married couples had more friction over money than household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and what's for dinner. 

Money can rip a relationship apart. That’s why it’s important for you to learn now about each other’s financial values and attitudes.  And it's best to do that before you are married.

To get you started, answer the two lists of questions below. Financial guru Howard Dayton posed the first list in his book Money and Marriage God’s Way. I had the privilege of contributing to this book and suggested the second list of questions in the chapter on blended families: 

Questions regarding your values (Howard Dayton):

1. Who is going to be the breadwinner (one or both)?

2. If both are breadwinners, how will we care for the children (day care, school, after school, etc.)?

3. Are you a hard worker? What career do you want to pursue? What further education will you need?

4. What percentage of our income do you want to give? Who do you prefer to give to—church, ministries, the poor and needy, etc.?

5. How much of our income do you want to save?

6. What is your attitude toward debt? When should we use it? Is paying off debt a very high priority for you?

7. Who will handle the bookkeeping and paying the bills? How often should we meet to review our finances?

8. How do you see us becoming one with our finances? How should we combine our finances? Is there any sense of “my money” and “your money”? If so, how can we overcome this challenge?

9. How will we make financial decisions?

10. Who will manage the investments and what is your investment philosophy?

11. What are your expectations concerning our lifestyle—what do you want for a home, furniture, cars, clothes, vacations and gifts?

12. What do you think we should spend on our wedding?

13. What were your parent’s attitudes toward money? How have their attitudes influenced you? What was your previous spouse's attitude toward money, spending, and saving?

14. Do you think my parents or your parents will want to control us by using money? Is there a danger of overdependence on them? If so, how should we deal with this?

15. What has your family done for birthdays, Christmas and gift giving? What should we do?

16. To what extent should we help if we have needy family members?

17. When should our children begin to work and what is your philosophy of giving them allowances?

18. Do we both know Jesus Christ as our Savior? If not, what should we do?

19. Do we both have a solid understanding of what God says about handling money?

By the way, if your answer to that last question is “No,” pick up a copy of Money and Marriage God’s Way.

Specific questions for pre-stepfamily couples (Ron Deal):

1. What are your financial obligations to your ex-spouse (child support, alimony, other)?

2. How likely are child support payments to increase or decrease in the future? When will they end? Are you responsible for any additional expenses, such as education, for them?

3. When one of us dies, who will receive the assets brought into our marriage? What happens to them when the surviving spouse dies or remarries? What are the financial plans for your children should you die or be unable to work?

4. What expectations do you have for me to support your family?

5. Who is responsible for the children’s health insurance? If an ex-spouse is unwilling to do their part, how will we handle it?

6. Do you have a retirement plan? If so, how much is in it? Is any part of it obligated to a former spouse?

7. Do you have any financial commitments to your parents, siblings, or other family members?

8. Was your previous spouse a poor money manager? How will we unify our finances?

9. How should we use what we receive in child support and alimony? What do we do when we don’t receive scheduled child support?

10. Will we both work outside of the home? How will we handle childcare?

11. How will we handle the holidays? How do you feel about gift giving?

12. Are we comfortable with one checking account or will we have “yours,” “mine,” and “ours”?

13. What do we want to teach our children about money? Are “yours” and “my” children used to different spending styles? Will we give allowances and in what amount? How will we resolve differences in spending/saving/allowance practices?

14. After the wedding, how do you feel about changing the deeds/titles/beneficiaries to insurance, car titles, house deeds, and wills?

15. Since divorce does not eliminate mutually shared debts, how will you remove yourself from these joint debts? (This may be as simple as closing a credit card account or as complex as refinancing a mortgage.)

 

Questions taken from Money & Marriage God’s Way by Howard Dayton, Moody Publishers, Chicago, 2009. Used with permission.



Meet the Author: Ron L. Deal

Ron Deal

Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com). 

Ron is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (and DVD series), The Smart Stepdad, Dating and the Single Parent, The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge), and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family (with Dr. David Olson). A highly sought-after, recognized expert in marriage and blended families, Ron is a member of the Stepfamily Expert Council for the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with over 25 years experience in local church ministry and family ministry consulting. He is a featured expert on the video curriculum Single and Parenting (2011, Church Initiative) and his material is widely distributed by a variety of family education initiatives

Ron served as a member of the Couple Checkup Research Team (headed by Dr. David Olson, PREPARE-ENRICH) which conducted the two largest studies of marital strength ever accomplished. They surveyed over 100,000 marriages and remarriages (over 200,000 people) and examined the qualitative differences between highly satisfied marriages and low-quality marriages. The results of their groundbreaking research for couples are published in the books The Couple Checkup (Olson, Larson, & Olson-Sigg, 2008) and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage (Deal & Olson, 2015), and are featured in Ron’s newest seminar for dating, engaged, married, and remarried couples, the Couple Checkup Conference.

Ron is a popular conference speaker and has appeared in dozens of national radio and TV broadcasts both in the U.S. and Canada. His daily 60-second radio feature, FamilyLife Blended, is heard by thousands each week around the country and online. He has appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, ABC’s Nightline, WGN-News, The Mike Huckabee Show, FamilyLife Today, Focus on the Family, HomeWord with Jim Burns, Celebration, and The 700 Club, and his work has been referenced online (e.g., ABCNews.com, Today.com), in magazines (e.g., Essence), and in newspapers throughout the world (e.g., USA Today, New York Daily News, Chicago Tribune, Atlanta Journal, and Minnesota Star Tribune). The May 2012 issue of Ladies' Home Journal featured Ron's therapy work with a blended family couple in their popular feature column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Ron has written feature family articles addressing a variety of family matters for a variety of publications and online magazines including Focus on the Family magazine, ParentLife, The Family Room, Gospel Today, Christianity Today, and HomeLife magazine. On a regular basis Ron trains therapists, marriage educators, and ministry professionals at conferences around the country and has spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, and the Utah and Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family.

Ron and his wife, Nan, have three boys. Their middle son, Connor, died unexpectedly in February 2009 at the age of 12. In his memory, the Deal's have partnered with Touch a Life Foundation to rescue and rehabilitate children in Ghana, West Africa, from trafficking. They would be honored if you would help them sing Connor's song. Visit Connor's Song to learn more about this ministry and to hear Connor sing.

In addition to FamilyLife sponsored events Ron is available to present his Couple Checkup Conference or Building A Successful Stepfamily conference in your church or community. Learn more here.

 

 

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