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When the Children Feel Alienated

What to do when remarriage destabilizes a child’s world.
By Ron L. Deal


Three years into his mom’s marriage, Samuel, a 14-year-old boy, told me, “I used to be best friends with mom. But I got pushed back to fifth place when she met Benny.”

When a marriage precedes the birth or adoption of children, the resulting parent-child relationships don’t inherently compete with the couple’s marriage. Further, when one parent cares for the child he is also caring for his marriage and vice versa.

However, when a single parent marries someone who is not the child’s parent, a competing attachment is formed. To the child, the parent’s increasing affection, dedication, and time spent with the new stepparent challenges the perceived importance of the child. In a very real sense, marriage sometimes destabilizes the child’s world.

Biological parents, of course, don’t feel this way. I’ve never met parents who said they loved their child less since getting married. Nevertheless, it is easy for children to feel displaced and less important. After all, someone unrelated to them (e.g., a stepparent or stepsibling) is vying for the time and energy of their parent.

More pieces of the problem pie

In addition to a natural shift in focus to a spouse and away from children, a number of other factors potentially contribute to this problem. While parents have an endless number of love-points for all the people in their life, they have a limited number of time-points and energy-points. And because parents can’t be in two emotional places at once, children may feel pushed aside.

Plus, the shift to a two-parent household is vastly different for children than a one-parent household. Asking for permission used to be a simple process between parent and child, but now it is a more complex process where the parent considers another person’s opinion, and sometimes changes how the answer because of the stepparent’s influence. All of this decentralizes the children—and they feel the difference.

Another possible factor is when a parent loses time with the child because of custodial and visitation arrangements. Even further, noncustodial fathers sometimes think it easier on their children if they keep their distance. They are deceived into thinking that reducing between-home transitions somehow helps their children. It does not. It only confuses the child and adds to their sense of lost connection.

When children feel “downgraded,” another negative dynamic can come into play. Some children shrink back from engaging their parent or attack their stepparent. Essentially their withdrawal or criticism is a backward request for reassurance, but the negative behavior further alienates them from their parent and generates conflict in the stepfamily.

The solution

The biological parent holds the key to this issue in blended families. Maintaining an active emotional connection with your children is essentially what they need. You must make this a priority, even if you think not much has changed since your marriage (the kids probably do).  Some ideas:

1. Verbally communicate your love for your children on a regular basis and reinforce your commitment to them.

2. Show empathy for the child by acknowledging, “If I were you, I’d feel left out and displaced sometimes.” This shows your heart for them and opens the door to honest communication.

3. Maintain touch points with your children. There are important rituals (like a shared wink or hand-shake, holding hands in the park, or bedtime stories) that communicate love, involvement, and commitment. If the transition to a new family has made you lose some of them, try to reestablish this valuable form of communication.

4. Noncustodial parents should take advantage of modern technology to stay connected (e.g., text messages, Skype, etc.). Don’t let changes in the other home (e.g., residential or church changes, moving out of state, etc.) reduce your continued involvement. Adjust and stay connected.

5. Strive to find balance in your multiple blended family commitments. For example, find couple time to nurture your marriage, but also carve out special one-on-one time with each child. Occasional time with all of your kids together, without any stepfamily members, is also helpful.

6. Be fully present. It’s easy when spending time with one party to divide your attention as you feel guilty about not being with someone else. Try to be fully engaged where you are.

Even when implementing these strategies, it’s important to have realistic expectations. No matter who you are spending time with, someone else will probably feel left out; this cannot be avoided. The nature of competing attachments within blended families makes this very common. Still, your children need to be affirmed and reassured of your continued commitment.

 

Taking action

Couples:

Stepparents, you can help by supporting your spouse and stepchildren with the following:

1. Agree that it is important for your spouse to reassure their children and give your verbal permission for them to do so. This helps them to not feel guilty or anxious that you are feeling jealous of time they give to the children.

2. Work with your spouse to find special time for you as a couple. And, on occasion, bow out of activities so the parent and children can have exclusive time together.

3. When noncustodial children come for visitation, work with your spouse to help them make the most of their limited time with their kids.

4. Remind yourself that a grace-filled attitude that gives permission to parent-child connections counters the natural competition that children sometimes feel and shows you to be a safe person. This in turn, makes it more likely that stepchildren will like and respect you.

Pastors:

1. Church sponsored retreats and camps are great ways of encouraging biological parents to remain connected to their children. Make use of such activities whenever possible.

2. Singles ministries can remind dating parents to not completely focus on a new found love, and premarital counseling should remind parents of the need for them to not abandon their children when shifting their affections to a new spouse.

© 2012 by Ron L. Deal. All rights reserved.

FamilyLife is a donor-supported ministry offering practical and biblical resources and events to help you build a godly marriage and family.



Meet the Author: Ron L. Deal

Ron Deal

Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com). 

Ron is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (and DVD series), The Smart Stepdad, Dating and the Single Parent, The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge), and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family (with Dr. David Olson). A highly sought-after, recognized expert in marriage and blended families, Ron is a member of the Stepfamily Expert Council for the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with over 25 years experience in local church ministry and family ministry consulting. He is a featured expert on the video curriculum Single and Parenting (2011, Church Initiative) and his material is widely distributed by a variety of family education initiatives

Ron served as a member of the Couple Checkup Research Team (headed by Dr. David Olson, PREPARE-ENRICH) which conducted the two largest studies of marital strength ever accomplished. They surveyed over 100,000 marriages and remarriages (over 200,000 people) and examined the qualitative differences between highly satisfied marriages and low-quality marriages. The results of their groundbreaking research for couples are published in the books The Couple Checkup (Olson, Larson, & Olson-Sigg, 2008) and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage (Deal & Olson, 2015), and are featured in Ron’s newest seminar for dating, engaged, married, and remarried couples, the Couple Checkup Conference.

Ron is a popular conference speaker and has appeared in dozens of national radio and TV broadcasts both in the U.S. and Canada. His daily 60-second radio feature, FamilyLife Blended, is heard by thousands each week around the country and online. He has appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, ABC’s Nightline, WGN-News, The Mike Huckabee Show, FamilyLife Today, Focus on the Family, HomeWord with Jim Burns, Celebration, and The 700 Club, and his work has been referenced online (e.g., ABCNews.com, Today.com), in magazines (e.g., Essence), and in newspapers throughout the world (e.g., USA Today, New York Daily News, Chicago Tribune, Atlanta Journal, and Minnesota Star Tribune). The May 2012 issue of Ladies' Home Journal featured Ron's therapy work with a blended family couple in their popular feature column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Ron has written feature family articles addressing a variety of family matters for a variety of publications and online magazines including Focus on the Family magazine, ParentLife, The Family Room, Gospel Today, Christianity Today, and HomeLife magazine. On a regular basis Ron trains therapists, marriage educators, and ministry professionals at conferences around the country and has spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, and the Utah and Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family.

Ron and his wife, Nan, have three boys. Their middle son, Connor, died unexpectedly in February 2009 at the age of 12. In his memory, the Deal's have partnered with Touch a Life Foundation to rescue and rehabilitate children in Ghana, West Africa, from trafficking. They would be honored if you would help them sing Connor's song. Visit Connor's Song to learn more about this ministry and to hear Connor sing.

In addition to FamilyLife sponsored events Ron is available to present his Couple Checkup Conference or Building A Successful Stepfamily conference in your church or community. Learn more here.

 

 

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