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When Life Hurts: Understanding Children and Disappointment

Don’t be guilty of underestimating the loss experienced by children of divorce and how that loss affects their behavior.
By Ron L. Deal


During dinner on his first date a few years after his divorce, Doug received a text message from his 12-year-old daughter, Danielle: I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but I want to tell you something—have fun without me because I’m all by myself now. 

After working with stepfamilies for over 15 years there is one truth of which I am sure: Adults in stepfamilies underestimate the loss experienced by children of divorce and how that loss affects their behavior. On the surface, Danielle’s text message to her father might appear manipulative and hateful. Instead, it should be viewed as a statement of sadness. Danielle was again feeling fearful of another loss. After all, she had already experienced her mother’s infidelity, her parents ensuing divorce, and many other losses that are wrapped up in the disintegration of her family. Why wouldn’t she be hypersensitive to the possibility of another loss? 

The sadness of the present was joining with the sadness of the past resulting in feelings of desperation. Restoring safety to her life was her only concern and a guilt-inducing text message was her way of trying to make that happen.

Children in stepfamilies have experienced a multitude of losses, and the death of a parent or a parental divorce is just the beginning. Changes in school and church attendance, friendships, family economic status, embarrassment over the family’s problems, lost contact with extended family, and a loss of perceived control in life precede the new stepfamily, which then brings more changes like having to share a bedroom with stepsiblings, learning new rules and routines in the home, and changes to the visitation schedule and access to family in the other household. Having to share a parent is one of the most challenging issues for children. Before the wedding, children of single parents have complete access to their parent; when a parent begins to date (like Doug) or decides to marry, he is essentially asking the children to share him with someone else (and sometimes with the stepparent’s children). To a child who has already experienced great loss, this can be extremely anxiety-producing. I once asked a 7-year-old what it felt like when her mother married her stepfather. She said, “It’s like when a friend knocks you down on the playground and runs off without you.” 

Hot and cold

Losses impact how children accept new steprelationships. One stepfather contacted our ministry asking why his 9-year-old daughter was acting “hot then cold” toward his stepmother. One minute she would love to be with her stepmother and the next, she acted as if she wanted nothing to do with her. One reason children act this way is that while new relationships bring many blessings, they also bring losses. This creates confusion in the child’s heart and it shows itself as “hot and cold” responses. Adults must learn not to take this personally and instead hear it as a statement of sadness. 

Loss, fear, and resistance

In my book The Smart Stepfamily I show parents the relationship between loss, fear, and resistance in children. Loss brings the fear of more loss, which in turn brings resistance to new relationships (usually within the stepfamily). Let me explain. A child who says, “You’re not my dad, I don’t have to do what you say!” is in part resisting the stepparent’s authority, but he or she is also making a statement of loss and sadness. If we could listen beneath the child’s angry attitude we might hear this:

No, I don’t want to clean my room. What right do you have to tell me to clean it? You’re not my dad. Besides, if I cooperate I have to let you have authority in my life and to be honest, I didn’t ask for that. It was thrust upon me like every other tragedy in my life. And furthermore, if I do let you in and my father finds out, he might be offended. I won’t hurt him. I love him. He’s my dad—and I wish he were here instead of you. So, no, I’m not going to cooperate.

Resistance within children resulting from loss often shows itself as either anger, depression, isolation, a lack of cooperation, or in some extreme situations, rebellion. It’s very important that biological parents not allow a child’s depression or anger, for example, to paralyze them from setting proper limits or giving punishment. Even though their sadness is legitimate, a child who learns that yelling or guilt-messages keeps her parent from disciplining, is a child who will never stop using her sadness to control others in her life. At the same time, however, parents should not ignore a child’s sadness. Be sensitive to it and try to help the child give appropriate expressions of sadness. One response to “you’re not my dad” would be to say:

You’re right. I’m not. But I am the adult here right now and you still have to clean your room. It’s your call; you can clean it yourself or we’ll pay your sister to do it for you with your allowance. By the way, I know it’s tough not having your dad here. I get that. I’m sorry. Would you like to talk about that? It won’t hurt my feelings. [If the parent is still living add] Perhaps I could take you to see him this weekend. Would you like that?

There is so much going on inside a child that parents often do not hear. Give careful consideration to the losses your children or stepchildren have experienced and try to be compassionate for their hurts.

© 2013 by Ron L. Deal.  All rights reserved.

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Meet the Author: Ron L. Deal

Ron Deal

Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com). 

Ron is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (and DVD series), The Smart Stepdad, Dating and the Single Parent, The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge), and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family (with Dr. David Olson). A highly sought-after, recognized expert in marriage and blended families, Ron is a member of the Stepfamily Expert Council for the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with over 25 years experience in local church ministry and family ministry consulting. He is a featured expert on the video curriculum Single and Parenting (2011, Church Initiative) and his material is widely distributed by a variety of family education initiatives

Ron served as a member of the Couple Checkup Research Team (headed by Dr. David Olson, PREPARE-ENRICH) which conducted the two largest studies of marital strength ever accomplished. They surveyed over 100,000 marriages and remarriages (over 200,000 people) and examined the qualitative differences between highly satisfied marriages and low-quality marriages. The results of their groundbreaking research for couples are published in the books The Couple Checkup (Olson, Larson, & Olson-Sigg, 2008) and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage (Deal & Olson, 2015), and are featured in Ron’s newest seminar for dating, engaged, married, and remarried couples, the Couple Checkup Conference.

Ron is a popular conference speaker and has appeared in dozens of national radio and TV broadcasts both in the U.S. and Canada. His daily 60-second radio feature, FamilyLife Blended, is heard by thousands each week around the country and online. He has appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, ABC’s Nightline, WGN-News, The Mike Huckabee Show, FamilyLife Today, Focus on the Family, HomeWord with Jim Burns, Celebration, and The 700 Club, and his work has been referenced online (e.g., ABCNews.com, Today.com), in magazines (e.g., Essence), and in newspapers throughout the world (e.g., USA Today, New York Daily News, Chicago Tribune, Atlanta Journal, and Minnesota Star Tribune). The May 2012 issue of Ladies' Home Journal featured Ron's therapy work with a blended family couple in their popular feature column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Ron has written feature family articles addressing a variety of family matters for a variety of publications and online magazines including Focus on the Family magazine, ParentLife, The Family Room, Gospel Today, Christianity Today, and HomeLife magazine. On a regular basis Ron trains therapists, marriage educators, and ministry professionals at conferences around the country and has spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, and the Utah and Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family.

Ron and his wife, Nan, have three boys. Their middle son, Connor, died unexpectedly in February 2009 at the age of 12. In his memory, the Deal's have partnered with Touch a Life Foundation to rescue and rehabilitate children in Ghana, West Africa, from trafficking. They would be honored if you would help them sing Connor's song. Visit Connor's Song to learn more about this ministry and to hear Connor sing.

In addition to FamilyLife sponsored events Ron is available to present his Couple Checkup Conference or Building A Successful Stepfamily conference in your church or community. Learn more here.

 

 

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