When Mark signed up for my premarriage class, he told me, "The whole problem of impurity has been a mess. I've been hooked for years, and I'm counting on marriage to free me. I'll be able to have sex whenever I want it. Satan won't be able to tempt me at all!"

When we got together a few years later, I wasn't surprised to hear that "marriage hadn't fixed the problem. "You know, Fred, my wife doesn't desire sex as often as I do," he said.

Oh, really?

"I don't want to seem like a sex addict or anything, but I probably have as many unmet desires now as I did before marriage. On top of all that, some areas of sexual exploration seem embarrassing or immodest to her. Sometimes she even calls them 'kinky.' I think she's rather prudish, but what do I say?"

In our experience, not much!

Marriage: No Sexual Nirvana

That marriage doesn't eliminate sexual impurity comes as no surprise to married men, although it does for teens and young singles. Ron, a youth pastor in Minnesota, said that when he challenges young men to be sexually pure, their response is, "That's easy for you to say, Pastor. You're married! You can have sex anytime you want!" Young singles believe that marriage creates a state of sexual nirvana.

If only it were so.

Order Every Man's Battle by Fred Stoeker

When marriage doesn't immediately solve our problem, we cling to the hope that, given enough time, marriage may yet free us. But freedom from sexual sin rarely comes through marriage or the passing of time. (The phrase "dirty old man" should tell us something about that.)

If you want to change, recognize that you're impure because you've diluted God's standard of sexual purity with your own. God's standard is that we avoid every hint of sexual immorality in our lives.

We aren't victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we've simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God's standard. Since we found God's standard too difficult, we created a mixture—something new, something comfortable, something mediocre.

What do we mean by "mixture"? Perhaps a good example is the muddled definition of "sexual relations" that surfaced in the sex scandal involving President Bill Clinton. After the president stated under oath that he did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, he later explained that he didn't view oral sex as being in that category. So by that definition, he hadn't committed adultery.

That represents quite a contrast to the standard Christ taught: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).

Destruction and Loathing

Whether you've been naive, rebellious, or foolishly negligent in taking God's standard seriously, mixing in your own standards leads to being ensnared and even worse.

Mixture can destroy a people. When the Israelites left Egypt and were led to the Promised Land, God told them to cross the Jordan River and destroy every evil thing in their new homeland. That meant killing all the heathen people and crushing their gods to powder. God warned them that if they failed to do this, their culture would "mix" with the pagans and they would adopt their depraved practices.

But the Israelites were not careful to destroy everything. They found it easier and easier to stop short. In time, the things and people left undestroyed became a snare. The Israelites became adulterous in their relationship to God and repeatedly turned their backs on Him.

As promised, He removed them from their land. But just before the destruction of Jerusalem and the final deportation of her inhabitants, God prophesied this about His people in their coming captivity:

Then in the nations where they have been carried captive, those who escape will remember me—how I have been grieved by their adulterous hearts, which have turned away from me, and by their eyes, which have lusted after their idols. They will loathe themselves for the evil they have done (Ezekiel 6:9).

When we entered the Promised Land of our salvation, we were told to eliminate every hint of sexual immorality in our lives. Since entering that land, have you failed to crush sexual sin? Every hint of it? If not, have you come to the point of loathing yourself for that failure? If that's where you are, there's hope for you.

God's Standard from the Bible

Because our own standards on sexual purity have been so mixed with God's, and since many Christians don't read their Bibles very often, many men have no clue about God's standard for sexual purity.

Did you know that we're commanded to avoid sexual impurity in nearly every book of the New Testament? The following is a selection of passages that teach God's concern for our sexual purity. (Highlighted in italics are key words indicating what we're to avoid in the sexual realm):

But I [Jesus] tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28).

So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy (Romans 13:12-13).

I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat (1 Corinthians 5:11).

Flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature .... The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery (Galatians 5:16,19).

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place (Ephesians 5:3-4).

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming (Colossians 3:5-6).

For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry (1 Peter 4:3).

Drawing from these passages, let's summarize God's standard for sexual purity:

• Sexual immorality begins with the lustful attitudes of our sinful natures. It is rooted in the darkness within us. Therefore sexual immorality, like other sins that enslave unbelievers, will incur God's wrath.
• Our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, who has both created us and called us to live in sexual purity. His will is that every Christian be sexually pure—in his thoughts and his words as well as in his actions.
• Therefore it is holy and honorable to completely avoid sexual immorality—to repent of it, to flee from it, and to put it to death in our lives, as we live by the Spirit. We've spent enough time living like pagans in passionate lust.
• We should not be in close association with another Christian who persists in sexual immorality.
• If you entice others to sexual immorality (maybe in the backseat or back room), Jesus Himself has something against you!

So take His command seriously—Flee sexual immorality!

Adapted from Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey. Used by permission of WaterBrook Press, Colorado, CO. All rights reserved.