Program: FamilyLife Today

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, September 18th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We're going to hear today a very simple, clear job description for men as husbands. Stay with us.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us. I'm just curious, I know you first heard Robert Lewis preach when he came to the church that you had helped to start, Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, and he was going to be one of the new pastors, right?

Dennis: Right.

Bob: And over the years, you've heard him preach a number of times on marriage and on family and, of course, you had helped to start FamilyLife. You'd been to Dallas Seminary and heard Howard Hendricks teach on these themes.

Dennis: Mm-hm.

Bob: As you've heard Robert teach on this subject, have there been nuances about a husband's role and a wife's role that have come new to you?

Dennis: Oh, absolutely. In fact, when Robert was writing his book, "Rocking the Roles," which is a perennial bestseller at our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences, I just remember, as a man going to their church but also leading a marriage and family ministry, how helpful that was in the formation of our ministry's message to both husbands and wives.

In fact, Robert helped shape our message to husbands and to wives in helping to hammer out the biblical role of what it means to truly love our wives and also for wives to be able to respect their husbands.

Bob: We've already talked this week about the fact that Robert is teaming up with FamilyLife to help lead an initiative to strengthen marriages and families in local churches. Can you explain a little bit more about what that's going to look like?

Dennis: Well, for more than 25 years, Robert has served in a local church. He was the lead pastor at Fellowship for over 24 years, and, Bob, as FamilyLife was thinking about helping the church, we thought who would there be that we could possibly work with that could help us shape the most relevant, effective message we could give to the local church to help the church be the standard-bearer, to help the church engage laymen and women to make a difference in marriages and families at the grassroots level, and we thought, "Let's go talk to Robert."

And so we talked to Robert Lewis, and he said, "You know what? I'm interested in doing that." And I told Robert later that if I had a draft choice, like the NFL has a draft, I said, "You would have been my number-one draft choice. I never imagined that God would be working in your heart to come alongside us at FamilyLife and partner with us to make a difference in the local church."

Frankly, Bob, this is going to be, I think, a great work into the future, and I think the church is going to benefit immeasurably by having one of their own, a pastor who knows the issues, who knows where the sheep are struggling, and who is going to help shape our message to go to the local church and help it equip literally millions of people into the future.

Bob: Well, and as our listeners are going to hear today, Robert is very clear …

Dennis: Yeah, he's that, that's for sure.

Bob: And does a great job of helping to explain what the Scriptures teach around a husband's responsibility, a wife's responsibility, the marriage relationship. He's really teaching through the section in Ephesians, chapter 5, where Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives about our responsibilities to one another, and we've already heard him say that a husband's first responsibility is to love his wife sacrificially, and we're going to pick up now with part 2. Here is Dr. Robert Lewis.

Robert: [from audiotape.] Secondly, a second best practice of a real head is in verses 26 to 28 – "Christ sanctified His bride, having cleansed her by the washing to water with the Word; that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless."

That's what Christ did for His bride. Then it says, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies, because he who loves his own wife, loves himself."

Now, I used to read that as a young man, and it sounds a bit cryptic, this washing of water with the Word, sanctify, those are kind of head terms. I didn't really understand that, but I want to bring it down where you can grasp hold of it very quickly. You know, Jesus not only redeemed His church, but Jesus also did another thing. He protected His church from sin by washing it with His Word.

In fact, we're here today to have a Word wash right now – to help protect us and direct us. That's what's really going on, and that's important. But, you know, what's even more important is this – a real head will love his wife in the same way. He'll do the same thing. Like Christ, a husband is charged to keep his wife safe from sin and directed in life by assuming what I call the position of being – listen – a "standard bearer," a standard bearer. One that not only shows his wife his heart, but through his life he holds up the Word to his family; to give his family help and direction and safety.

It's the exact place where the first husband failed so miserably. I mean, if we turn the clock back to Adam and Eve, there they are in the Garden, the whole focus point is his failure of being a standard bearer. Here is his wife drifting into sin, tempted to do something she's not supposed to do, and in this critical moment where life and death hangs in the balance, what does Adam do? Does he come in and hold up the Word and go, "No!"

No, he lowers his standards. He lowers the banner of truth. He goes flat, and he watches his wife step into this death moment. And after it's over, Adam learns what every husband has learned since – he learned the reverse principle of verse 28. Verse 28 says "He who loves his wife loves himself." Here is what Adam learned, "He who hurts his wife hurts himself."

Because when God came, He didn't come to rebuke Eve. He came to rebuke Adam, and you know why? Because he wouldn't hold up the Word. A real head is a standard bearer.

Thirdly, there's a third best practice, it's found in verses 28 through 30. Notice it says this – it says, "So husbands are also to love their wives as themselves," and then it says, "for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ also does the church, because we're members of His body."

Now, when you read that, there are two words that jump out – the words "nourish," and "cherish." And what those words do is they unfold, for a husband, one of his major responsibilities because those words mean to provide for your wife, to care for her in some material fashion. And I believe that what a real head is he's a provider. Like Christ provided for His church, a husband practically provides whatever is necessary for the wife to be the kind of woman that God meant for her to be.

He's charged – hear this – he's charged with providing for her freedom to be whatever God is calling her to be. And in our world, providing for your wife that freedom inevitably involves money. It involves money. So a real head not only shows his wife his heart, he not only holds up the Word to her, but he also shows her the money.

[laughter]

Now, having heard that, why would a man want to get married?

[laughter]

Why would he leave his father and his mother, they're taking care of stuff – and go cleave to a wife, as verse 31 says. Why would he do that, knowing that if he did that, as a Christian man, he's going to have to assume these huge responsibilities of being a lover and open up his heart when he doesn't even know how to talk. And being a standard bearer, when no one has really discipled him in the Word and being a provider, and he's just barely making ends meet as it is. Who would want to do that?

I like what it says in verse 32 – "The mystery is great."

[laughter]

It is a great – you've always wondered why that statement was in there. There it is. Why – it's a great mystery.

[laughter]

But verse 33 helps a little bit in solving the mystery. It says, "Let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." Here is what I've learned after 35 years of marriage – you see, in a marriage, a man has a unique opportunity to experience something in his heart and his life, whether he knew it or not, when he first got married, that, really, he's always longing for.

In many ways, he will find, if it ever happens to him, he will find that, in many ways, this is the crowning achievement of his manhood. It becomes a reward. The ultimate affirmation, and it can only really be given by that one somebody who has examined his life up close and personal like no other – the one person who really knows him; the one person who has experienced him in the crucible of a raw and honest life in all kinds of innumerable fronts. She saw him as he really is – a lot.

And yet, from all those vantage points, there comes a time in their marriage where she is able to reflect back to him what he has longed for all his life, and that is that he's a really good man. Respect, and as it grows in her face through the years, the soul of his masculine heart comes together in happiness like he's never known because he did it, he came through with a woman. That's what every man longs for in his life.

Men marry for companionship; men long in marriage for respect. And, you know, if you'll note, that respect comes fittingly at verse 33, the very last verse, and there's a reason for that. It's not accidental. It comes there because you guys, husbands, you can only get this respect after you've assumed the challenging, self-sacrificing, God-given assignments of lover, standard bearer, and provider. That's how this verse works.

I have three applications as we close this morning. Dads, can I encourage you, in a world that is raising children with no vision, and especially sons with completely zero understanding of how to interact with a woman or be married, would you be a faithful farmer and deposit these three seeds into your elementary age and above son's life? You can do that. You can speak it into their lives like seeds that will grow for the rest of their lives.

You've got a 10-year-old, you need to remind him, "Son, when you get married one day, you need to be" – and you can tell him. Give him the three seeds of vision. "You need to be a lover, you need to be a standard bearer, you need to be a provider." Or you can say, "Hey, did you know Mom's love language is affirming words? Hey, when you give her that birthday card, instead write on the card all the things that she is really good at and tell her you love her for it, and you'll light up her life, because, you know, loving a woman well is speaking her love language." You can tell your son that.

But here is what I want you to know – men don't do well without direction. But if you start telling your sons those things early and keep in a more sophisticated manner that's age-appropriate, keeping telling them all the way through, there will come a day where they'll start making decisions that shape their lives around that vision so they can be that kind of man, and then they can stand tall in American society, and they can say, "This is what a head is, I can tell you."

That's for you dads. For you single guys, I've just got a question for you – you've heard these three responsibilities – I don't know where you are in your life personally, but here is my question for you – will you today receive these three responsibilities as your personal calling as a man looking forward to marriage? If you will do that, then you will pursue those three things in some way to shape your life.

Maybe you will get into a Bible study and start learning about God's Word. Maybe you will get into some study where you start learning more about the needs of women, like in a men's fraternity or whatever. Maybe you will say, "You know, I need to change jobs. I'm not going to earn enough here." Maybe it will be a spur for you to reach higher in your career.

But here is what you're going to do – "he who loves his wife loves himself." You will never feel more loved in life than if you do these three things.

And for us guys who are already husbands, there's a couple of things I want to just challenge you with as we leave today. One is this – as I listed those three things, lover, standard bearer, provider – which one are you weakest at? You'll probably immediately know, and whichever one it is, I'm not here to discourage you. None of this is perfect. We're all in process, we're all wrestling to get to the next rung, but you can at least identify where you're the weakest, and if you do that, can I encourage you to just take this week, maybe take 10 minutes in the morning, and just sit down with God and tell God, "This is my weakness. Would you somehow in some way start helping me craft a way to build strength into this weakness?"

Just be your private prayer to God, and you know what I can promise you, because you're praying according to the will of God, and the Scripture says if you pray according to the will of God, He hears you, and He will answer your request, God will begin to open some doors to help you get better at one of those things. So now you know – a head is not a boss, and he's certainly not the superior one. What a real head is he's a lover, he's a standard bearer, he's a provider, and that's what every man needs to know.

Bob: Well, again, we've been listening to Dr. Robert Lewis talking to husbands, although we have to acknowledge their wives were sitting right next to them. That's a little risky, you know, for a man to talk to the husbands when the wives are right there holding them accountable.

Dennis: And it got a little quiet, but let me tell you something, Bob, that's the best stuff for a man to get his marching orders and to know his wife kind of knows them, too, and, okay, yeah, marriage is really one of the highest forms of accountability and one of the greatest privileges a man has because it keeps him accountable and prevents him from escaping.

Bob: Well, I've got two questions for you.

Dennis: A lot of guys would try to escape a message like that.

Bob: That's right, and I've got to accountability questions for you, all right?

Dennis: Yeah, all right.

Bob: The first one is do you know Barbara's main love language?

Dennis: Uh, yes.

Bob: Okay, the second one is how long had you been married before you knew?

Dennis: Too long.

Bob: [laughs]

Dennis: That was not a fair question. I could turn the tables, but I know the answer would be the same for you.

Bob: Amen and amen right here.

Dennis: But, you know, more important is that I have learned how to truly love my wife, and you know what? This is the amazing thing about marriage – we are now 35 years into this thing, and I just feel like I have figured out how to communicate love to my wife.

We say all the time we would not go back and swap out what we have today for all the white-hot heat and romantic passion that engulfs a young married couple when they're in their early 20s. I mean, was that fun back then? Absolutely, it was a blast. But there is a side of love, I'm going to tell you, I haven't done it perfectly, there isn't any man who has done what Robert was talking about and the Apostle Paul exhorts us to do – love their wives, be a standard bearer, protect their wives. Nobody's done that perfectly.

But you know what? If you've hung in there, and you're in a growing relationship with your wife, I'm just telling you, it gets better with age, it gets better with each passing year, and she's my best friend. I mean, there is nobody else on the planet I would rather spend a day with.

So you know what? Whether or not you've got all the words down perfectly, love language, whether you've got all those things nailed down, really, they aren't important. But the more important thing is are you pressing on for the goal? Stretched out, fervent in your love for one another. I think that's what it's all about.

Bob: Yeah. Robert has addressed this subject in a classic book, a book called "Rocking the Roles," and it's a book that we have sold tens of thousands of at our FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences. I think it gives both husbands and wives a clear set of blueprints for what we need to be doing to, first of all, serve God in our marriages and then to be serving one another in our marriage relationship.

We've got copies of the book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and you can request a copy by going online at FamilyLife.com, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, and someone on our team can make arrangements to have a copy of the book sent to you.

If you go to the website, FamilyLife.com, there is a red button you'll see in the middle of the screen that says "Go." If you click that button, it will take you to the area of the site where there is more information about Robert's book; other resources we have available here to help husbands and wives understand their responsibilities and their roles in marriage.

Again, the website is FamilyLife.com, or, as I said, you can call 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team can answer any questions you have about how to get a copy of the book, or you can make arrangements to have a copy sent out to you.

This week we are letting our listeners meet a few of the families who work with us here at FamilyLife, and one of the reasons we wanted to do this is because we're hoping that some of our listeners will think about the possibility of joining the team, becoming a part of the FamilyLife staff.

We've got folks who serve here at FamilyLife from a wide variety of vocational backgrounds, and there are a lot of different areas where you can put your gifts and your abilities, your talents, to work to help toward the mission of effectively developing godly families, the kinds of families who will change the world one home at a time.

One of the couples we wanted you to meet this week are Mike and Laura O'Kane [sp].

Mike: I'm Mike.

Laura: I'm Laura.

Mike: And we work at FamilyLife, and we've been married 15 years this August.

Laura: We have four kids, Taylor is our oldest, she's 13; Jacob is 11; Morgan is 9; and Josie is 7.

Mike: We've been at FamilyLife for almost two years now.

Laura: We had a job change, and we moved to Oklahoma. It was kind of rocky there for a while.

Mike: We just started looking for other employment, kind of making a backup plan. One day, she just said, "What about FamilyLife?" And I was, like, "Uh, okay. Let's look at it," but not really ever thinking anything would come of it.

Laura: We had been working with the college department at our church. So many of our college kids didn't come from a good family background and were hungry for that family unit.

Mike: Even though I saw the need for what this ministry was and was about, I still was hesitant. So we just took it step-by-step through the process. All along, I was looking for a roadblock because in my hip pocket I was always depending on myself and making my own plans, and so it was really until that time that I fully gave all of those roadblocks and those backup plans up that God has really, truly opened up all His blessings upon our family.

Laura: He opened some amazing doors. The light shining, going, "Go through that door now."

Mike: And that was just God's way of showing me that this was, indeed, what we were supposed to be doing because that roadblock never came. We've seen so many amazing things, and the level of faith that has grown in my own life has been amazing.

Laura: If we had still been in the workforce, we would have missed some amazing blessings.

Mike: If I was talking to someone who was thinking about coming to FamilyLife, I would just encourage you to let go of your safety nets, let go of all your backup plans.

Laura: If God is leading, God will provide, and He will bless you.

Mike: Coming to FamilyLife has just been a welcome change of atmosphere.

Laura: You know, it's like a family here. You just have a whole new set of family that you just do life with. It doesn't get any better than that.

Bob: Well, if you'd like to find out more about doing life here, and joining the FamilyLife team, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, click that red "Go" button, and there's a link there that will take you to the area of the site where there is more information, answers most of the questions you'll have, or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY for more information. We can send you information or answer any questions you have over the phone.

Again, the toll-free number is 1-800-FLTODAY or go online at FamilyLife.com and click the red "Go" button for more information.

Well, tomorrow we want to talk about what we can do as parents to help our children become more employable as they head for the workforce. Dr. Tim Irwin is going to join us, and we hope you can be back with us as well.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.