Program: FamilyLife Today

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Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, October 4th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Those are the Ojays, and the Bible says that the love money is the root of all kinds of evil. It's also the source of all kinds of conflict in marriage. Stay with us.

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Bob: And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We've been looking this week at a couple of the things that can create problems in marriage. We've looked at relationships with in-laws and with our own parents, and for the rest of the week we want to look at our relationship with money, because how we handle money in marriage can be a source of conflict. It can lead to isolation and frustration in a marriage relationship.

Dennis: It does, Bob, and we've invited a frequent voice here on FamilyLife Today to come join us, Tommy Nelson. Tommy is a pastor at Denton Bible Church, which is just a few miles north of Dallas. Perhaps you remember Tommy from messages he's given in the past around Valentine's Day when he's talked about how to build romance into your marriage, and I kind of feel, Bob, we kind of roll into his office in a sense, seated across the table, and just listen to a wise man share all those years of experience and the wealth of information that comes from being a pastor.

Because pastors, as you know, hear some pretty wild stories, especially when it comes to marriage and money. People don't do a good job with either, but the whole area of money is one where we need a lot of skills and a lot of training.

Bob: Do you remember the best advice or the best practices that you and Barbara began to employ around the subject of money when you were first married?

Dennis: You know, I don't remember a specific piece of advice, but I do remember that I treated the money as our money not my money, and I think that was important, because as we got married, Barbara was used to having her money, and I was used to having my money, and that's usually not a problem for the guy, because he just kind of takes over, you know?

But I remember thinking, "She really needs to be able to have some of her own money to be able to do with as she sees fit, but we need to treat this as our money, and there was an accountability that we kind of had to learn and to grow into as we start out our marriage where I realized I just couldn't go spend as I pleased. I had said no to the single life and to living life on my own and doing things as I pleased, and I'd taken a wife, and that meant that I needed to think about pleasing her and needed to, as a couple, pull in the same direction and make decisions around the same set of values.

Bob: Well, that's actually the first piece of advice that Tommy gives as he spoke to his congregation on this subject several months ago. This is from a message on marriage and money from Pastor Tommy Nelson.

Tommy: Money is kind of a mine that goes off in marriage. The problems with money are problems that kind of fester down there, and they form a lack of trust and a lack of the feeling of being respected and nurtured and out of that grow great problems and alienation in marriage.

I'm going to give you 13 things and, trust me on this, these are not merely biblical principles, but when I look at these, there is a particular face that I see behind each of them, and there has been a historical conflict that we've had in one of our studies, in one of our counseling sessions, with people that have violated these.

Number 1 principle of money – well – and this isn't a study on money, it's a study on mates and money. So it's not a study on finances so much, it's mates and money. The number 1 issue of mates and money is that it is not – with my wife and I – it's not my money it's our money. My wife doesn't make money in the sense of having a job that makes money, but that makes no difference. The two become one flesh.

The money that you men make is not your money. It's ya'll's money. And a lot of times a woman may have a career that out-earns her husband nowadays. Madam, it is not your money. It is ya'll's money. Money cannot alienate you from your wife or from your husband.

This statement, whenever I hear it in marriage, problems are on the way. It goes like this – "I pay the bills around here" or "I make the money," that's why I can't be challenged is the assumption on how I spend it. So – like I say, my wife doesn't make money, but my wife can spend the money however she sees fit on the maintenance and the care of our home, because it's our money, the two are one – physically, financially, in all ways emotionally – the two are one.

Number 2 – even though it's our money, you check with your mate before you make a major expenditure – underline the word "major." There is a sense in which you have the freedom to do what you need to do in certain areas, and that's number 3, but on number 2 you check with your mate, especially when you are about to put yourself in debt through a credit card on a major expenditure. You always check with your wife or your husband.

You don't want to surprise your mate in the area of money. You don't want the credit company or the bank surprising your mate with what you did that you didn't tell them. I had a woman say to me one time, I'll never forget this – I can just quote it to you verbatim. She said, "He will not give me the freedom to buy a $14 dress pattern, but he will come home with $800 in tires, and somehow that's okay for him to do that, but it's not okay for me." And now that independence on the area of money causes her a lack of respect, hurt, and pain, and so you always check with your mate when you make a major expenditures – guys as well.

Number 3, a woman needs the freedom to run a home, and there is a certain margin that a woman has to spend independently for the maintenance of that house, and I have to give my wife the freedom to be what Paul calls her – the "oiko despotes" – the house despot. What a word.

And my wife has to have a sense of leeway when I take care of the mowers and all the stuff that guys do – Tom the Toolman – that I've got to have a sense of freedom to maintain all of those things that are my responsibility.

I had a woman one time – this is a fact – she came in saying, "Whenever I have to buy," and she mentioned a piece of lingerie. She said, "When I have to buy this, my husband drops me off at the mall. I go inside and get the exact figure, plus tax, to the penny. I come out and give it to him. He gives me the exact change, to the penny. I go inside and pay for it. Now, the man that she was saying that about, did not feel that he was being demeaning to that woman. He felt he was being holy. And I said to him, "No, you're what's called dumb."

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You're dumb. Because in your seeking to control, you are treating your wife like a child, so whatever you think you're gaining, you are losing the affinity of your wife for you. If she's not that trustworthy, you shouldn't have married her. You trust her with things. But he thought he was some kind of frugal, smart husband. Well, you have to give your mate that kind of freedom what she/he needs to do.

A woman, number 4, can have her money. Proverbs 31 – "she considers a field from her earnings, and she buys it." Fellas, that woman of Proverbs 31, if you'll excuse the term, you're not supposed to use it in evangelicalism, but you'll find she is an extremely independent and liberated woman. She sells belts to the tradesmen. She considers a field from her earnings, and she buys it.

As long as it has a consent and is not breaching the husband's place, it's good to let a woman do what she would like to do with ya'll's money, okay?

Number 5, decide who does the books in your family. It may not be the man, it may not be the wage-earner. In my family, my wife does the books, and she does a wonderful job, and I let her do it. Now, let me give you a bit of guidance on this. If you're the one who does the books, you have to do them well. You can't mess up in the area of finances and where your money is going, you have to do it well.

And, number 2, if your mate is the one who does the books then you, in a sense, have to submit yourself to what works best for her. My wife does the books, and in that area of life I have to be, in a sense, submissive to what works best for her, and if she needs me to bring in certain receipts and whatever, then I have to go by what she thinks is right. I can't use my position to usurp her.

Fellas, if you have your wife keep the finances, then you have to be acquiescent and make sure that it's easy for her. And, ladies, if your husband keeps the finances, then you, especially in that area, have to make life easy for him to do it.

Number 6, debt distracts, and debt – not just debt but credit cards – the whole essence of debt is that you have what you haven't earned. And now you obligate yourself in the future to pay that person back. That's what the root word of credit is – is "credo" – that means "I believe." They believe, and they trust me that I will pay them back, and the Bible says that the borrower is the lender's slave. Stay out of debt all that you can because when you take debt, you give up an equal amount of freedom, and there are certain things that you can't do anymore because you are obligated in future days to pay back that money, and the Bible tells you to pay what you owe them.

Debt is like a pet anaconda. That's a debt. Anacondas are very pretty, they really are, but when you have one as a pet, and you begin to feed him, he gets bigger, and he wraps around you, and it can now crush the life out of you. The Bible allows for debt but not debt that you don't pay. So you have to keep up with your debt, and when you go into debt, you have now obligated yourself for future days.

Number 7, first things first. There are rules in where your money goes that you need to understand. Are you all familiar of where the Bible says "the first fruits of you income go?" Proverbs – "Honor the Lord with the first of your income, and He will cause your vats to overflow and your barns to be filled." I am amazed how God uses money to make us honor Him. That's why it is said that your treasure is where your heart is.

You can talk all you want to about spiritually, but if it doesn't get into your lifeblood, which is your money that keeps you alive, that keeps stuff on your table, your religion is just an intellectual or a doctrinal issue.

A Campus Crusade guy told me early in my marriage, and I'm so glad he did, he said, "Whatever you make, you honor God right off the top." My wife and I began doing that. If we had $10, we'd honor God with a buck, and God has always taken care of us. God is able to make all grace abound you; that always having a sufficiency, you'll have an abundance for every good deed. He who sows abundantly shall reap abundantly. God has always taken care of us. So right off the top you honor God.

After you do that, you always pay what you owe – you pay your bills, and then right after that you pay you, and the idea of a savings. Much wine and delight is in the house of the righteous, but the wicked swallows it up. Wicked people spend quickly anything that they get quite often. And so honor God with your first fruits and then pay your bills, set aside some for savings, the rest – enjoy it and use it. Have fun with it, but when you'll make rules in where your money goes as a priority, the budgeting process takes care of itself.

Once you honor God, Caesar, and the future, now you can enjoy today with the money that's allotted to you, and if you won't go into debt, you can actually make it through life without a lot of financial problems. I'll be honest with you, my wife and I don't have really a budget. We have a recognition of where we are, but we honor God, pay our bills, and then we set some aside. And then the rest of it – Rocky Road, skiing, crunchy peanut butter – we enjoy it and, incidentally, both have to be on board.

Now, what do I mean? Whenever I do women's Q&As, one of the major questions that is asked is, "Tom, my husband doesn't give to the Lord's work. What should I do?" Meaning, "Do I have to usurp my husband and take over the reins of our home?" And my answer always is "Our church doesn't need your money, but you need to be obedient. Don't let your husband give. Let God fix it."

And God can. God can fix him real quickly. So, fellas, and if the shoe fits on this, you wear it. I hope that your wife is not put in a continual place of not seeing the blessing of God because of the lack of leadership and trust of a materialistic and self-willed husband. You honor God and leave your family so both have to be on the board with this.

Bob: Well, that is Pastor Tom Nelson. We've been calling him "Tommy" this week. He's Tom now. Pastor Tom Nelson.

Dennis: Is he really Tom?

Bob: That's what it said on the CD is Tom Nelson.

Dennis: He was real unclear what he was just saying.

Bob: I was just thinking some of our listeners just got a divine spanking from Pastor Tom Nelson, and it's probably a good thing, right? Whom the Lord loves, He chases.

Dennis: I'm telling you, I really believe what we have done today is we have allowed the culture to take the subject of giving out of the Christian community's teaching repertoire, and we need a fresh visit to the Scriptures to take a look at what the Bible says is true about giving. It is a privilege to give, it's a responsibility to give, and as he just mentioned, it should be our decision to give.

Recently, Barbara and I received a little extra money, which meant we had to decide how we were going to allocate some of that extra money in terms of giving, and I could have just done it. It's real easy for a man, I think, to just do it. But, instead, I kept asking and, at points, kind of pestering Barbara, "What do you want to do with this? We need to give a portion of this money away. How much do you think we should give, where should we give it, and how should we go about it?"

And, you know, that process not only honored God, but it also honored my wife that we did it together. Now, that comes, Bob, at the end of 35 years of marriage of doing it wrong many, many times.

Bob: I hear you.

Dennis: So I just need you to hear there is the capability, ladies, that your husband can get it right.

Bob: It can grow.

Dennis: It just may take a long time before he gets there. And I'm making fun here. It's no laughing matter to some who are listening, but I have grown a lot in this area, and this is an area that I've wanted to be an area of strength in our marriage and family and wanted to send a signal to our kids that we're a giving family. You know why? Because I can still remember my southpaw father, my left-handed dad, curling that arm around and writing that magnificent signature of Ward A. Rainey on the check.

Sunday morning, you could set your clock by it. Sunday school started at 10, 10:30 the check was written. You could go to the bank with the check being written by that time and that, frankly, sticks in my mind as a model for how Barbara and I started giving early in our marriage.

Bob: Well, giving is one of the subjects that Tommy Nelson addresses in this message. In fact, we're not able to feature the entire message on FamilyLife Today because of time restraints. We are going to hear Part 2 on tomorrow's program, but I want to encourage our listeners – if you'd like to hear the entire message, you can contact us here at FamilyLife Today by going to our website at FamilyLife.com.

When you get to the home page, you'll see a red button that says "Go," and if you click on that button, it will take you to an area of the site where there is more information about not only Tommy's message that we've heard part of today on money and marriage, but you can also get the CD of the message we heard earlier this week on in-laws.

Both CDs are available from us here at FamilyLife Today, and there is information there about a book that you and Barbara wrote called "Starting Your Marriage Right," where you addressed a number of these same subjects for young married couples because these things often crop up early in marriage and can create some conflict early in a marriage relationship.

Again, go to our website, FamilyLife.com. If you click the red "Go" button, that will take you to the area of the site where there is more information about these resources. You can order them online, if you'd like. Or, if it's easier, call 1-800-FLTODAY – 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team can answer any questions you have about these resources or make arrangements to have any of these resources sent out to you.

I want to say a special word of thanks today, Dennis, to the folks who, from time to time, make a donation to the ministry of FamilyLife Today. Our program, like many of the programs you hear on this station, is a listener-supported program, and we depend on folks who listen to contact us from time to time to help support the ministry by making a donation of any amount. It helps keep us on the air on this station and on other stations all across the country.

This month we wanted to make available a special thank you gift to those of you who are able to make a donation. We have a two-CD series we want to make available to you. One of the CDs features a message from Dennis about how a man can step up to manhood and then beyond manhood to being a mentor and a patriarch for other men. And the other message is from Barbara Rainey on what a wife can do to help her husband be the man that God wants him to be.

We would love to send both of these CDs out to you as our way of saying thanks for your financial support when you make a donation of any amount this month to FamilyLife Today, and you can do that online at FamilyLife.com. Go to our website and click where it says "Donate" along the left side, and as you fill out the donation form, you'll see a keycode box. Just type the word "steps" in that box, and that will be our reminder to send you these CDs.

Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, make a donation over the phone and mention that you'd like the CDs from Dennis and Barbara Rainey and, again, we're happy to send them out to you. We appreciate your partnership with us, and your financial support of this ministry.

Now, tomorrow, we are going to hear Part 2 of Tommy Nelson's message on money and marriage, more practical, wise advice on this subject, I hope you can be back with us for that.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.