Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty. We could probably write a book on what not to do!

Start with two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting idiosyncrasies, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It's unavoidable.

Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn't a question of avoiding them but how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your partner must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.

Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences

One reason we have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. It's strange, but that's part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn't have before. But after being married for awhile (sometimes a short while), the attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations—such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste—or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different that you wonder how and why God placed you together in the first place.

It's important to understand these differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. Just as Adam accepted God's gift of Eve, you are called to accept His gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven't even learned yet.

Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness

All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict—our selfish, sinful nature.

Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people beginning their marriage together and trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended. The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago when he described basic human selfishness like this: "All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way" (Isaiah 53:6). We are all self-centered; we all instinctively look out for number one, and this leads directly to conflict. As James 4:1-2 (NIV) says:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

This is the heart of what makes our conflict ugly. Our sin and selfishness focuses us on our own agenda like the sharpshooter who finds a target with the crosshairs of his rifle. Left to our devices, we will go for what we think is important every single time. And, as you might imagine, when two spouses are focused only on what they want, there is no real hope for peace … only the expectation that things will get worse.

The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all.

To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your mate.

Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other person

Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." The longer I live the more I realize how difficult those words are for many couples. Living peaceably means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take the first step.

To pursue the resolution of a conflict means setting aside your own hurt, anger, and bitterness. It means not losing heart. My challenge to you is to "keep your relationships current." In other words, resolve that you will remain in solid fellowship daily with your spouse—as well as with your children, parents, coworkers, and friends. Don't allow Satan to gain a victory by isolating you from someone you care about.

Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation

• Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few other tips we've found useful:
• Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
• Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, "I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel." Don't hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don't pull up with your dump truck and start unloading all the garbage you've been saving. Approach your partner lovingly.
• Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don't confront your spouse, for example, when he or she is tired from a hard day's work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children.
• Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What's the context of your spouse's life right now?
• During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Don't bring up several. Don't save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
• Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, you need a budget and your mate is something of a spendthrift. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of a budget the enemy, not your mate.
• Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your partner forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, "You're so careless; you just do things to irritate me."
• Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn't said. It may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you're getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure. In other words, you are not the problem and all your spouse is trying to do is express some pent-up frustrations and feelings.

Resolving conflict requires forgiveness

No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will fail. With failure comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing salve of forgiveness.

The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each individual's relationship with God.

About the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14–15). The instruction is clear: God insists that we are to be forgivers, and marriage—probably more than any other relationship—presents frequent opportunities to practice.

Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. And as a Christian you do not do this under duress, scratching and screaming in protest. Rather, you do it with a gentle spirit and love, as Paul urged: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32).

Our hope

As difficult as it is to work through conflict in marriage, we can claim God's promises as we do so. Not only does God bless our efforts based on His Word, but He also tells us He has an ultimate purpose for our trials. 1 Peter 1:6-7 tells us,

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

God's purpose in our conflicts is to test our faith, to produce endurance, to refine us, and to bring glory to Himself. This is the hope He gives us—that we can actually approach our conflicts as an opportunity to strengthen our faith and to glorify God.

Much of this material was adapted with permission from Staying Close, by Dennis Rainey, 1989, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Related articles
Speaking the Truth in Love by Tim and Joy Downs
We Couldn't Stop Arguing by Stephanie Boose
Where Conflicts Come From by Corlette Sande
Preventing Bitterness in Marriage by Sabrina Beasley

Related resources
Staying Close by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey
HomeBuilders: Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage by Bob and Jan Horner
Conflict by Timothy S. Lane