Bob: Ladies, would you like a little fatherly advice on what to look for and what to look out for as you are thinking about a prospective future mate? Here is Alistair Begg.

Alistair: If you find yourself in the company of somebody who cannot be an understudy, who can't sit in the second chair, who can't play second fiddle, who has always got to be the theme of the story, the joke of the party, the success of the event – I want to suggest to you, girls, that you might want to take a long, hard look at whether you're in the company of the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.[ Read Full Transcript ]

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, August 9th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. If you're a young lady looking at guys as potential marriage partners, do you know what to look for and what to look out for?

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. I think you've seen the thing that gets circulated in e-mails every once in a while – kids' answers to questions about love and marriage, you know, what should you look for in a mate and how do you keep a relationship going and when is it okay to kiss somebody and those kinds of things. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

Dennis: Uh-huh.

Bob: I remember one of those questions was – what should you look for in a mate? And one of the little boys responded and said, "She should like the same things you like. Like, if you like football, she should like it, too, and she should keep the chips and dip comin'." You know, it was that kind of a response.

Sometimes we have a superficial list of things we are looking for when we're looking at a prospective mate. It may involve physical appearance, or it may involve financial statement, or it may involve similar interests, which are not unimportant, but they're not really the critical issues, are they?

Dennis: Actually, single people – the older they get the more that list grows. And some folks could wallpaper a small bathroom with their checklist. Others could wallpaper an entire house, because they're in their 30s, and they're single, and they've not gotten married, and, you know, you could come up with a hybrid list of what's really important, and I do think it's good to think through what you do think is important in the opposite sex.

Bob: Well, if you were sitting down with your daughters – if they were to come to you and say, "Dad, what should I be looking for? What kinds of things should I be looking for?" I actually had this conversation with my daughter a couple of years ago, but I turned it around with her. I said, "What kinds of things are you looking for?" I asked her to tell me what was on the list. She thought for a minute, and she said, "You know, I really haven't thought about that." She said, "Probably just someone like you, Dad," and that was all I needed to hear.

Dennis: Yeah, buddy.

Bob: She said the perfect thing thing down there.

Dennis: She knew which side her bread was buttered on, didn't she? You know, I do want to share my list of what I think I would encourage a young lady to look for in a husband, but I want our guest on today's broadcast to do it first.

Bob: Share his list?

Dennis: I do. We introduced him yesterday to our listeners. He recently gave a message at Cedarville University. He is from Scotland. You'll notice a bit of …

Bob: … a wee bit …

Dennis: … a wee bit of a Southern Scotland accent that he has, but for a number of years – actually for more than 20 – he has served as a senior pastor at Parkside Church in suburban Cleveland, Ohio. He is the daily speaker on a national radio program called "Truth for Life." He has authored a number of books with Moody Press. He and his wife Susan have three children and, of course, I'm speaking of Alistair Begg.

Bob: Alistair has been with us over the last couple of years at some of our Rekindling the Romance conferences. Many of our listeners who have been out for those events have had a chance to hear him speak live, and I don't know if it's the accent or the humor or what, but I always enjoy…

Dennis: … he's a funny guy.

Bob: I enjoy listening to Alistair, and I remember when a friend of mine sent me this CD, I said, "This is something we ought to share with our listeners," because we are raising young men and young women who need this kind of biblical wisdom, and some of our listeners – well, we've got some who are listening who need this kind of wisdom as well, right?

Dennis: We do. And after Alistair shares his list of what a young lady should look for in a husband, we'll give him a double whammy today.

Bob: Oh.

Dennis: I'll give them my list, too.

Bob: All right. Let's listen first to Alistair Begg.

Alistair: [from audiotape.] What I would like to do in the remaining time that I have, and I'm not sure how much I have, is help you by suggesting what you should look for if you're planning on getting a husband. And then if I have time, I'll tell you what you should look for in a wife. This is just my opinion, and it's really quite a good opinion, as I think you'll agree.

[laughter]

There's nothing funny about this; nothing surprising. Number one, what should I look for in a husband? The man should be committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ – committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Do not take on a fellow as a discipleship project. Don't take on a husband who has merely mastered Bible trivia. Look for a husband who is serious about growing in grace and in a knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. Imagine that he is going to be, in part, your shepherd and your guide; that he is going to be the spiritual leader of your home; that he is going to be the nurturer of your children together, and think about that long and hard before you sell out for anything else.

Secondly, a husband should be an individual of obvious integrity. If he cheats on the golf course, beware. Anyone that cheats on the golf course has the potential for cheating anywhere. If you find him in an employee/employer situation fudging the issue in his sales calls, telling somebody that he can get the product to them in two weeks when he comes afterwards and tells you that actually he knew that he couldn't get it there for four weeks, but he said that because he didn't want to lose the sale – on the day he tells you that, you need to have a long, serious conversation with him, and if he seeks to undergird his deceptiveness with argumentation, you should probably kiss him goodbye. You need a husband who is honest to the core, to a fault.

Thirdly, you need to look for a husband who is able to lead boldly, to lead boldly – not everyone is going to marry the high school quarterback or the class president. That's not the kind of leadership to which I am referring. But every girl needs to look for the kind of man who can think for himself, who can weigh options, and who can make good decisions.

In thinking of a man who is able to lead boldly, we ought to say very quickly that a girl should never settle for leadership that is selfish, bombastic, and domineering. The leadership of the Lord Jesus Christ, the leadership as espoused by the Apostles, is a leadership that is marked by an attitude of servanthood, an attitude that submits to the leadership of others, and that is of vital importance. The flip side of it, of course, is simply that a young woman should be more than a little concerned if the fellow that she's dating has to check with his mother all the time – "Well, I need to phone my mom about that," and all he's trying to decide is where he should buy the large or the medium t-shirt in Gap – you know you've got a problem there.

In fact, while he's choosing, just slip off ever so quietly into the mall and don't ever come back.

[laughter]

If he doesn't have wherewithal to decide between the medium and the large in the navy blue t-shirt, you've got a problem, trust me. Let somebody else fix it, forget the project, it's a bad idea. You heard it from our Uncle Allie, okay?

[laughter]

Fourthly, you need to look for a husband who displays the ability to love sacrificially – to love sacrificially. Seek out men who display a self-sacrificial dimension not a person who says, "Well, one of the things I'd like to mention to you is that I'm a very self-sacrificing person – no, no, no, no, no, no, no – sorry, take that one off your resume. Self-sacrifice is detect in subtle ways that vary from person to person.

For example, watch, at the end of an evening with friends, to see if this character is quick to organize and spearhead the cleanup, or whether he waits for everybody else to clean up. Listen carefully to his elderly aunt when she tells you whether her nephew has ever been faithful in visiting her in the nursing home.

Observe the way he relates to children and to strangers. See if he possesses a willingness to hold doors for passersby with full arms. Watch his attitude to waitresses and to other people who are involved in serving the public. Watch his eyes as he sits in a café and observes the obvious ravages of AIDS in the body of the young man behind the counter, and in these things you'll begin to find out what you're dealing with.

And, incidentally, and in passing, gentlemen, married gentlemen, when is the last time that any one of us did anything for our wives that would fit clearly, solidly under the category of self-abnegation?

Fifthly, a husband should be able to laugh heartily. Humor is a vital element in preventing marital failure. The ability to laugh doesn't mean that he's the class clown or even a joke-teller. In fact, he may be hopeless at telling jokes. That may be the funniest part about him. Constantly turning to you and saying, "What was that punch line again?" Finishing his jokes just to be met by vacant stares.

But it is important that he likes to laugh, and a key trait to look for is his willingness to laugh at himself. If he takes himself too seriously, look out. Listen carefully to him, not necessarily when he's on show, but can he tell us a story where someone else is obviously the hero where he comes off looking foolish? Is he willing to reveal pictures to you of the time when he was less handsome, with his teeth protruding and his ears sticking out? Actually, as you think about it, very similar to what he is right now.

[laughter]

When he laughs at the comic misfortunes of others, is he able to laugh without being crude and unkind and cruel? Humor is vital. It's way up on the top of my list.

Sixthly, and there are only six, a husband should model genuine humility. Simply put, a good husband shouldn't be stuck on himself. Genuine humility keeps its focus on others. You need to watch and see if the other person can share the joy of a competitor's success. I wonder, do you remember – it's hard for me to say do you remember – now the movie is 20 years old. Some of you weren't born. A staggering thought to be this old. But go get it from the theater and watch "Chariots of Fire," and in the fictitious scene that is created between – the race between Eric Little and Abrams – a race that never, ever happened, but it was good for the story.

Remember, Eric falls, and then when the Vangelis music kicks in, that spurs him on, and he gets up again …

[laughter]

… and – oh, no, that music wasn't playing – yeah – anyway, and eventually he runs to victory, and it cuts from the victory to the bleachers, and in the bleachers Abrams sits and out comes his girlfriend very pretty looking and all in white, as I remember, with a large hat, I think. And she sits down beside him, and he's morose. And she says to him, "Well, you came second." He said, "I don't want to come second." And then he says, "If I can't win, I won't run," to which she replies, "If you don't run, you can't win."

And if you find yourself in the company of somebody who cannot be an understudy, who can't sit in the second chair, who has always got to be the theme of the story, the joke of the party, the success of the event, I want to suggest to you, girls, that you might want to take a long, hard look at whether you're in the company of the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

Bob: Well, we've been listening to Part 2 of a message from Alistair Begg on what to look for in a spouse. I saw you taking notes while you were listening. You weren't changing your list to match his, were you?

Dennis: I wasn't, no. I think he had some excellent points and, frankly, you could quit with his list, and it would be plenty. I, however …

Bob: … you have your own?

Dennis: I have my own.

Bob: And a few things that weren't on his list?

Dennis: Maybe a couple. I'm going to probably repeat some he had, and that will serve as a method of teaching here to some of our single listeners – or moms and dads who are coaching singles as they go about selecting a spouse.

The first thing I'd encourage a young lady is to find a young man who fears God. And you can tell if he fears God, in part, by his language and how he treats other people. Does he treat them with respect? Why? Because we, as human beings, are made in the image of God, and if we respect people, that ultimately, I think, can come from a heart that really reverences God.

Bob: Now, it's interesting. You started with a young man who fears God, not a young man who loves God.

Dennis: Right.

Bob: Why?

Dennis: Well, the Proverbs say "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom," it's the beginning of knowledge. I think it's the beginning point in the Bible of where God starts us. It's from the fear of God ultimately that we learn to love God.

A second thing that I would encourage a young lady to look for is a man who is not afraid to love. Now, that may sound kind of like a no-brainer, but a lot of young men today are afraid of commitment, and it's the young lady who is chasing the young man. And what we need today are more young men who are not afraid of being real, of being authentic, and of being committed to a young lady in a relationship. We don't need any more young men who are hedging their bets. We need men who are not afraid to love.

Third, I think you need to look for a young man who can admit his faults and can admit when he's made a mistake and admit when he's hurt you. Ruth Bell Graham made this statement – "A good marriage is the union of two forgivers." Now, why would she say something like that? Because you're going to hurt one another a jillion times over a lifetime together, and if you don't know how to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness and grace, you're never going to have a great marriage. Your marriage is going to stall out and be stunted in terms of growth, early on.

Bob: This ties into what Alistair was talking about when he talked about humility. It really does – it takes humility to admit you were wrong, to ask for forgiveness. You're looking for somebody who is a humble person.

Dennis: That's right. Fourth, I would want my daughters to look for a young man who is in control of his passions. We live in an age that has been invaded by pornography, by messages of telling people you can have it all, and you can satisfy yourself, and I would want my daughters to date a young man who is fully in charge of his passion – that he can control his desire for the opposite sex.

Bob: It's interesting, because a lot of people think that once a person is married and has the privilege in marriage to enjoy sexual relations, that lust problems are going to go away, that passions are going to be satisfied – all of that is going to take care of itself, and yet we see adultery, and we see pornography in marriage. Just because you have the opportunity for satisfaction in marriage doesn't mean that there aren't still going to be some problems, right?

Dennis: Marriage is built upon trust, and if you can't trust a young man before marriage to control his passions, what makes you think you can trust him after marriage?

Fifth, I'd want my daughters to find out if a young man honors his parents. Now, that may sound old-fashioned, but if it's good enough for God to put in the Ten Commandments to honor your parents "that your life may be long and it may be well with you," wouldn't you want your daughter to select a man whose life has a sense of well being in God's favor?

There have been those who have said if you want to see how a young man will treat you, see how he treats his mother. And I think I'd want to take it a step further – how does he honor both his mother and his father? Does he speak well of them or is he angry with them? Or does he refuse to speak about them at all? What's going on between a young man and his parents is very important.

And the last one – and I had six just because Alistair did, and that makes a cheap dozen for the broadcast today. I'd want to know if the young man is in the process of becoming a leader who knows how to serve.

All of the male leadership position in the home – that of being the head of your home, that lofty position that seems to have so much authority and so much responsibility – I think, from a Christian's perspective, demands self-denial. It demands a servant spirit, and if a young man doesn't know how to deny himself on behalf of another person and give up his rights and give up his objectives and give up his goals and his dreams on behalf of another, I would question whether he would know how to take my daughter off and create a family over a lifetime.

Bob: We have posted your list of six things to look for and have put them on our website at FamilyLife.com along with the audio of this message from Alistair Begg. In fact, if you'd like the entire message, it's available on CD, and you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY to request a copy or order it online at FamilyLife.com.

And if you're moving ahead in your relationship with a potential husband or wife, we want to encourage you to also request copies of the workbooks that we've created called "Preparing for Marriage." These are available in our FamilyLife Resource Center as well, and you can order them online at FamilyLife.com. In fact, go to our home page, and there's a red button in the middle of the screen that says "Go," and if you click that button, it will take you to the area of the site where there is more information about the resources that are available.

Or call us at 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY. Let me also recommend that you consider attending one of our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences. This conference was originally designed for pre-married couples, and over the course of the weekend, we have a couple of special sessions that are exclusively for those who are contemplating marriage, or those who are already engaged, and if you'd like to know when a Weekend to Remember conference is coming to a city near where you live or how you might attend one of these upcoming conferences, again, you can go online at FamilyLife.com or call us at 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone can answer any questions you have about the Weekend to Remember conference.

I don't know if you've seen some of the folks who have been calling in to be part of our 2007 Challenge Fund. During the month of August, we've encouraged listeners who are calling to make a donation to FamilyLife Today to do more than just make a donation, we're encouraging them to – I don't know, is it appropriate to say to "talk smack" to their friends? You know, to kind of give a shout out to someone in their neighborhood or in their profession or – just kind of who is in the same stage of life they're in and just throw the gauntlet down.

For example, we had a listener in Colorado Springs who wanted to challenge other homeschooling mothers to make a donation to FamilyLife Today. She's a homeschooling mom; had a listener in Maryland who made a donation and said they have adopted a child from South Korea, and they wanted to encourage other adoptive parents to make a donation during the month of August to FamilyLife Today.

And then a listener from Ohio called and made a donation, and she wanted to challenge other parents who have – well, she said, "who have a full quiver." They have six children in their home, and she said those moms and dads who have six or more join with us and make a donation to FamilyLife Today. That's how the Challenge Fund works, and we're hoping that if you'll call and make a donation this month that you'll also issue a challenge that we can pass along to other listeners and try to encourage them to make a donation to FamilyLife Today this month.

It is the end of our fiscal year, and we're hoping to end it strong, and to do that we need to hear from you. So make your donation online or make it over the phone by calling 1-800-FLTODAY and be sure to issue a challenge when you do that, all right?

Well, tomorrow we're going to be back and hear the final part of Alistair Begg's message to singles, and tomorrow he has counsel for young men on the subject of your prospective spouse. I hope you can join us for that.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.