Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, June 8. The host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I’m Bob Lepine. We’re going to hear today about the role a husband can play in his marriage in resolving conflict and about a whole lot more. Stay tuned.
Bob: And welcome to FamilyLife Today thanks for joining us for the Monday addition. Has your wife ever killed a puppy?
(laughter)
I’m just curious. Have you ever seen the fire shoot out of her eyes?
Dennis: I have seen that. It’s brought me to my knees. No, she’s never done that. My sweet wife.
Bob: We thought that perhaps some of our male listeners today should just gather together around the radio and listen up because they are going to be challenged as godly husbands and godly dads, right?
Dennis: No doubt about it. In fact, Bob, as I was thinking about this broadcast I thought of a quote by Charles Wadsworth. Do you think Charlie was related to…
Bob: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow? No, because it’s a middle name and a last name.
Dennis: Well, anyway, here’s what Charles Wadsworth said, now you have to follow this carefully. There’s a ton of wisdom wrapped up in this. By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
(laughter)
Dennis: Isn’t that the way life goes?
Bob: That is the way life goes.
Dennis: How many dads out there right now are wondering am I right? Am I ever right? You’re going to get some encouragement today from a guy who is not on staff with FamilyLife but he should be because he believes the Bible has the blueprints for equipping men to be better husbands and fathers.
Bob: Yes, Matt Chandler is the pastor of The Village Church in Dallas, Texas. In fact, they have a number of campuses in the Dallas area. Matt is married to his wife, Loren, and they have two children, Audrey and Reed. I know a lot of folks who sign up to get Matt’s sermons as podcasts because he’s a good preacher.
Dennis: And, they used to have a puppy. (laughter) They don’t any more. Before we get to Matt’s message I just want to say thanks to those of you who gave to the May match back a few days ago when we offered a matching gift for every dollar that was given to FamilyLife. I want you to know your gift was timely and we’re using it to touch lives and change marriages and also change legacies for generations.
In fact at a recent Weekend to Remember in Minneapolis, Minnesota we had about 1100 at the conference and 158 people indicated they received Christ. Now you don’t think of our conferences being evangelistic in terms of reaching out to the lost but they are. We’re going to have over 2500 people receive Christ this year and for those you who gave I want to say thanks because you’re making ministry like that possible.
Bob: You make this daily radio program possible and we appreciate your financial support for FamilyLife Today. So let’s dive in here from a recent message at the Village Church is Pastor Matt Chandler.
Matt Chandler: I want to tackle what I believe is just a massive topic and it’s not going to be easy to do but here’ what I want to talk about. I want to talk about men and masculinity. I want to talk about what being a man is and I want to talk about what God created men for. If you’re a woman in here we have addressed women and so we’re going to do men now.
I don’t want to offend you in any way but here’s my promise to you. No matter who you are as a woman you’re affected by men. You either have one. You’re married to one or you want one or you had one and now don’t want one. All of us are affected and so what I want to do is to biblically lay out what God has commanded them to be. If they will hear that then everyone is better off. But here’s the deal I need you to make with yourself. If you try to play the role of the Holy Spirit in any of this you will absolutely destroy everything that the Holy Spirit works through the word tonight. If we get in the car tonight and you’re like did you hear him. It’s just going to go bad for you. I know some of you are stronger and you’re not going to listen to me here because …make him listen. I’ll accept your apology next week, let’s go.
Genesis chapter 1-3 we’ll read some of three and I’m not going to read all of one and two... says that God creates the entire universe. He creates it rhythmically and beautifully and everything is functioning where it’s supposed to function and everything is working perfectly. He creates the earth and on the majority of the earth he puts this wild untamed rugged landscape.
In the middle of the Scripture say he plants the garden of Eden and within Eden everything is trimmed and it’s nice and it works well it's not untamed wild and rugged like the rest of the earth. He plants that there and then the Scriptures say that he makes man and woman in his image he makes them both. This is pretty because the truth is men and women are created equally but distinctively.
Here’s what happens. God creates the man to be a cultivator and here's what I mean by that. God creates, men, all men are to build and create and after we built and create to continue the growth of whatever that is. What we were designed for. We were designed to cultivate our wives. To love, nurture, encourage, and build in them so they would be a Psalm 128 says there would be a fruitful vine.
Go Genesis three verse 17 and to Adam he said because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you shall not eat of it…now listen to this, cursed is the ground because of you. In pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you and you shall eat the plants of the field. Verse 19 by the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground for out of it you were taken for you are dust and to dust you shall return. I just want to point this out to you. This is going to be heavy stuff. I’m just warning you out of the gate.
God when he curses man because of sin not only curses man but curses what he was supposed to cultivate so that even when a man tries to cultivate what's right it wars against him. So when a man tries to build and cultivate and work with even good positive things those things that he's trying to cultivate will at times instead of producing fruit produce thorns and thistles.
I’ll give you an example. If you really tried to speak life into your children…if you really try to talk about the glories of Christ even if you’ve just tried to lead them in a way that's good and positive how difficult is that?
If you notice you most is that these things are minds where I’m going to do this all the bills get paid and I’m going to do that and that’s going to get done and this is going to get done but it never happens. Like every time you're just there the transmission fails or something, right?
What happens in young men is young men are like I’m going to get a woman that isn’t that much work and a new house and a new car. Then I’ll be set. That’s a cool little fantasy world you develop there in your head. I'll tell you that there's nothing this side of eternity that's not a fixer-upper. Nothing. No woman, no car, no house, there’s nothing this side of death that doesn’t require effort and work.
That takes us to the hard part…let’s go over to Ephesians 5 verse 25—husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish.
Okay, so here's what he throws on the man. He comes to the woman and says in this relationship that I’ve built out you’re going to submit to Christ like leadership. And then he goes over to the man and says you’re going to love your wife like Christ loved the church. So you start running through it how does Christ love the church?
He rescues her. He saves her. He becomes sin for her. He had his body ripped apart for her. He does it all not because the bride asked for it but he initiates it on his own. What does this mean? It means the mantle on men is to initiate. In their marriage initiate. Initiate the fight for wholeness. Initiate the fight for healing. Initiate. Initiate. Initiate.
Far too many women are the initiators in relationships and homes. Let me tell you why I think this is such a big deal and why I think it's nearly impossible without the Holy Spirit’s power.
Let me give you a quick example of what I’m talking about here. The Bible is really clear that one of the worst things you can do as a married couple is let the sun go down on your anger. Right? And the reason that is because you’ll lay in bed she’ll face that way and you’ll face this way and you’ll just let that root of bitterness grow down. In fact you’ll help it go down.
You’ll drill it. You’ll be like oh, she doesn’t respect me…And she’ll be doing the same. The root of bitterness will grow and grow and grow and grow.
The Bible says don’t let that happen. You need to nip it in the bud. You need to not go to bed angry. You need to try and resolve it before you go to bed at night so I think the weight of that falls on the man. And I know some of you are like, you do not know my wife Chandler. I’ve seen your wife. She’s beautiful. She sings and she’s so sweet. Listen, two days ago I saw fire shoot out of my wife’s eyes and kill a puppy. (audience laughter)
Where does that stuff come from? I swear that isn’t in my notes.
Here’s what I would tell you biblically. If your wife in that moment at ten o’clock or eleven o’clock and she’s facing that way and you’re facing this way and she is 99.999% to blame. It falls on you roll over tap her on the shoulder and say I don’t want to go to go to bed like this. I need to apologize for my .0001 percent. (audience laughter)
Just for the record I wouldn't use numbers but I would do this. I’d say, Loren, before we go to sleep tonight I know you’re angry and I’m angry. I need to apologize for how I handled what happened earlier. I didn’t respond in love. I reacted. I said things I didn’t mean. I need to apologize for that.
So what do we do? First Corinthians 16 let’s learn how to walk in this.
Being cultivators but finding all that we are supposed to cultivate war against us whether that be business, whether that be family, whether that be wife, whether that be child, or friendships and relationships. We’ve been called to cultivate and it’s going to war against us and there are going to be times where it produces thorns and thistles verses fruit so how do we walk in this deal that God’s created?
Chapter 16 verse 13—Be watchful. Stand firm in the faith. Act like men. That’s always an ego shot. Anytime you hear why don’t you act like a man? It’s just a little shot to the man. Be watchful. Stand firm in the faith. Act like men. Be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. So how do we walk in the system where we’re called by God to be cultivators but what we’ve been called to cultivate will at times war against us.
It’s in this text. Be watchful. Here’s what I think this text means. Everyone of us as men know where we are weak and if you say you don’t tonight I would call you a liar. We know if we have lust issues. We know if we have fear issues. We know if we have pride issues. We know if we have anger issues. We know where we are weak. We know what keeps us from being the kind of men God has called us to be.
The text says be watchful. If you know that’s where it’s going to come…if you know that’s where you’re going to get attacked…if you know that’s where you’re going to get overwhelmed…if you know that’s how you’re going to stumble and fall then be watchful of that area of your life. Build defenses in that area of your life. Be watchful.
Like if when you get tired everything unravels for you. Be watchful. Maybe you shouldn’t watch the daily show maybe you should go to bed. Maybe that second Sports Center after you’ve watched the first one isn’t a necessity. Maybe sleep is. Maybe instead of living off of red meat and coffee maybe you need to eat a vegetable and drink some water. I didn’t go crazy. I didn’t say do pilates. I’m just saying eat a green bean once in a while if you getting tired is the thing that starts unraveling you.
You watching tv makes you unravel. Then come on man, be watchful. This isn’t a game. You think this is a game. Be watchful. You know where you’re weak. Everybody does. Be watchful. If you know where the attack is going to come from wouldn’t it make sense to build some defenses there? And then is says stand firm in your faith. Walk in what you believe. Because if you’re giving God and the gospel lip service but you’re not really walking in it then good luck. I don’t even know why you do that. That to me is church as a hobby and I think church might be one of the lamest hobbies in the history of the world.
Get a boat. Seriously, boats are great. Boats are fun. Ski behind them and the inner tube is great if you are little. Get a boat. I don’t understand. Walk in it. Stand firm in our faith. What good is all power that God has offered us if we’re not going to tap into it. Act like a man and then he follows it up with be strong.
Bob: That is Matt Chandler from The Village Church in Dallas challenging us as men. I have tell you listening back to this message today I’m reminded of the first time I heard it. I was driving in Northern California on my way to a father-son camp with my son, David, and we listened to these messages and there was one point where I turned off the message and we were talking about something and then I just didn’t turn it right back on and David after a minute said are we going to keep listening? And I thought Cha Ching right there. He was tracking with what Matt was saying.
Dennis: Matt communicates to folks of all ages but that’s a good application for this broadcast, Bob, for some dads to get this and maybe a select little play time on the car radio on your way to maybe a sporting event or something you're going to together. But play if for your sons and talk about what it means to be a real man. I like what he said at the end because 1 Corinthians 16: 13-14 is one of my favorite passages. It is a charge to men to stand firm as Matt was talking about.
You know there a lot of men today Bob who make manhood into a hobby today. It’s just a game. It’s not the real deal and it takes God to make a man a real man. That’s what Matt challenging men to do.
Bob: Let me ask you, if a guy is trying to be God's man in his home ended his marriage and with his kids and his wife is just not on the same page or not responding to him how would you counsel that guy?
Dennis: That’s a great question. Hold that question though because Matt addresses that question in a little piece were to play in just a minute.
Bob: All right. In the meantime let me encourage our listeners or go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com. There's information there about a book that was written by a friend of ours Stu Weber the book is called the Four Pillars of a Man's Heart. This is the book that I have recommended to a lot of guys over the years because I think it shows real clearly and very helpfully how any of us as men can get out of balance in expressing our masculinity in our marriage as we raise our kids. I just think it’s a great book for guys.
We've got copies of it here in our FamilyLife Resource Center. You can go to our web site FamilyLifeToday.com and the information you need about Stu's book is available right there. Again the book is called the Four Pillars of a Man's Heart by Stu Weber. Our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order from us online if you'd like or you can call 1-800 FLTODAY. 1-800-358-6329—that’s 1-800-“F” as in family “L” as in life and in the word Today.
Now let me take just a minute here and remind you that FamilyLifeToday is listener supported.
Dennis: Bob, I just want to interrupt you and I want to say thanks is what I want to do. Listeners who support this broadcast make FamilyLife Today and broadcasts like you heard today possible.
Bob: Yes.
Dennis: Back in May we had the match. A number of listeners stepped forward and said we stand with you and we believe in what you are doing there on FamilyLife Today and through your various outreaches. I want to encourage our listeners who gave by saying thank you. I really appreciate you giving.
Bob: Your ongoing support is essential for this ministry and if you can make a donation this month let me encourage you to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call 1-800 FLTODAY and make your donation. We want to say thanks in advance for what you’re able to do today in support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.
Dennis: I agree.
Bob: Now as for the question I asked about how a husband should proceed if his wife is not really on the same page with him.
Dennis: Matt nails the answer to that question.
Bob: He addressed it in the message that we heard today. Here again is Matt Chandler.
Matt Chandler: I’ve been married eight years and have been with Loren for ten and your probably picking up on this. I’m dysfunctional and I come from a very dysfunctional background so our first couple of years of marriage were very, very difficult.
It wasn’t just my junk. She had some junk too. You put two dysfunctional people in a house together and it goes bad, right? Yes. The Lord has been really, really merciful and the last four years have been just a dream. Just a dream. But what if things go bad again tomorrow?
Now my role in submission to Christ is to cultivate, encourage, love, and build up my wife regardless of her response. That isn’t for the faint of heart. What if I’m trying to love and encourage and build up and she just decides she doesn’t want any bit of me anymore.
What if she just goes no thank you. What if she doesn’t respond? What if she doesn’t want to leave me but she just doesn’t respond the way I want her to respond? I tell you what I want to do but my call is to keep loving and keep walking. Keep encouraging every day of my life no matter how long until the Holy Spirit breaks into her heart. That’s why this text says be strong. Be strong.
You want to talk about self sacrifice and all the valiant themes that men love so much. This is a big one. Be strong in submission to Christ, love your wife, love your children, be that cultivator that I’ve called you to be. Be strong because it might be in the next life that you finally get all the peace you’re looking for. Man that doesn’t preach well but it’s the truth.
See I love the promises of God. God says I look at this and I think over I’m 33 I’m expecting to live to at least be 36 so I look at the span of my life and let’s say I live to 70. Can you really live like that for that long? Can you live like that? And I look at it like that and I’m like that’s impossible. But the Scripture go I’ll give you everything you need to love and lead Loren, love and lead Audrey and Reed love and lead The Village Church and to pursue me with your whole heart. I’ll give you everything you need for that. Today. You just make it to bed tonight. I’ll give you all the strength you need. When you wake up in the morning I’ll give you all the strength you need for that day. That’s a phenomenal promise from God.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.
