Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, June 9. The host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I’m Bob Lepine. We’ll hear today from Pastor Matt Chandler about what a dad’s top priorities ought to be. Stay tuned.
Bob: And welcome to FamilyLife Today thanks for joining us on the Tuesday addition. Do your children make a big deal out of Father’s Day? Do they usually acknowledge it and…
(laughter)
Dennis: Yes. Sure. Just like Mother’s Day.
Bob: So they pretty much ignore it? Is that what you’re saying?
Dennis: No. I hear from them and I hear from them all year long. I mean our kids have done a good job of honoring me as a dad. I don’t lack for any feelings of respect by them as adults now. In fact talking about fathers, Bob, reminds me of the photographer Anne Geddes. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of her work.
Bob: With the kids in the flower pots and stuff.
Dennis: Yes, I don’t know how she gets away with putting kids in these different containers and then putting flowers in their hair and stuff and taking pictures of them. But she should know a little bit about father because she’s takes so many children’s pictures. She said, any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad.
And to be a dad in the truest sense of the word a man needs to be equipped as a father. I’ll never forget at one of our Weekend to Remember conferences a man came up to me on Sunday morning right before lunch and said I just wanted to tell you this weekend I became a father at the conference. I said, did your wife have a baby? He said, no. I thought do they make pregnancy tests like that? He said, no, none of that. I finally found out what it means to be a father.
Bob: Wow.
Dennis: I just wanted to say thank you. You know what, Bob, I want to say thank you to all the listeners who supported our May match last month and gave financially to keep FamilyLife Today on the air and to say to FamilyLife. Keep going. Keep helping men become fathers and become equipped as fathers.
Bob: We do appreciate your financial support and your partnership with us the need is ongoing but we do want to say thanks for those who pitched in and helped during the month of May.
Dennis: Today we’re going to hear a message from The Village Church in Highlands, Texas. Matt Chandler has become one of our favorites. We enjoy his messages. He preaches it like a FamilyLife Today co-host or host. I mean he’s one of us. Matt Chandler is a father of two and has been married for about ten years to his wife. I’ll tell you, Bob, this is part two of a message that we featured earlier. It’s all about equipping dads to be effective as fathers.
Bob: Well, let’s dive right in. Here is Pastor Matt Chandler.
Matt Chandler: We started out defining what manhood is and defining masculinity. We said that God created men and women equal yet very distinct. Now I want to move on and talk about men as fathers. It’s not complex. Now it’s not easy but it’s not complex.
Let’s look at Ephesians 6. We’ll pick it up in verse one. Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother. For this is the first commandment with a promise. That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Let me point out a couple of things. The Bible over and over again is going to line out how God created the universe to operate rhythmically. And you have it happening here. Because the progression of what happens with children is children start out simply obeying and if you grow them and pour into them it ends in honor. But I want to point out something really interesting to you. He starts by addressing the children and he says to them obey your parents—husband and wife. Then he moves on and says honor your mother and your father. Once again he addresses both parents. When he’s talking to the children he addresses the parents as a singular unit.
But when he moves on and begins to address the home what’s the first word in verse 4. Fathers. So I’ll continue to push that men do not have the sole responsibility in the home but the leading one. So I’ll continue to say that although Loren, my wife, has some responsibility in the rearing of our children in the ordering of our home. If Jesus knocks on the door and she answers he’ll go good morning Loren, where’s Matt? And he’s not asking where I am because he needs to know.
It’s a very interesting right out of the gate command. Fathers do not provoke your children to anger. Of all the things there are only two commands here. That’s it to fathers two commands. Of all the commands that you can unpack of all the things to command a father to do why right out of the gate is it, hey, don’t provoke your children to anger?
Let me try to explain because I think this is so big. Wherever you have an authority that is intrinsically broken itself which all of us are because it’s a fallen world. So what I mean by that is every man in here and every father in here we’ve got places of insecurity in our soul. We get tired. We can get to that place where we have a short fuse. God knows if we feel disrespect then someone has to die. Right? So you have a man who has those frailties and then you have a sinful subordinate underneath the sinful authority. Well, when those two things collide subordinate and authority both of them have sinful tendencies. The illegitimate child that’s born out of that is anger. So what he’s saying here is fathers be careful not to provoke them to more anger. Let me tell you why this is so huge.
It’s so huge because anger more than any other emotion completely trumps and removes your ability to feel or think rationally or sanely about anything. If you’ll think back on your life to some of the dumbest stuff that’s ever come out of your mouth I would guarantee you that it came out when you were angry.
If I can make this as simple as I can it’s going Dad, don’t poke your kids with a stick. Don’t do that. And listen I’m in no way trying to remove your authority, your call to discipline or your command to preach, teach and work truth out in your home. I’m not saying don’t make your kids angry. I’m saying avoid avoidable anger. Anger is unbelievably devastating to the human soul. Unbelievably devastating. So it says the fathers have a responsibility to not provoke this in their children.
So what are some ways that we battle this? I’m going to be real careful about giving you this is what you should do. What I more want to do is put an umbrella over you and let you work it out with your family. Let you go sit down with your wife and say how do we do this? Let me tell you some things that I just don’t think you can argue. You can’t scream at your kids. You think they listen more when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs and they’re screaming back at you. I’m guessing that that’s not an intelligent sane conversation.
Like I think more and more and more…fathers should be going into their children’s bedrooms at night before they go to bed after the big explosion and say I handled that wrong. Now what you did was not right and it was not excusable but I handled it wrong. I need to ask for your forgiveness. Do you forgive me?
If you’re married you’ll be able to follow me here. I don’t know if you’ll be able to if you’re single. It’s been too long for me. There are times when Loren and I have been in a fight and I have felt wounded by her. So I’ll jab her soul. You know what I’m talking about. Like everybody in here knows that one thing to say to who they are with that will absolutely…like it’s not a grenade. It’s an atomic bomb. Say whatever else you want but don’t address this. But in that moment when you feel disrespected and overwhelmed…you jab at that spot. In that my fear is the thing we really have to be watching for…is our little creativity and our wit and our sarcasm can never be thrown onto our children. We need to be very careful about this. Be really careful not to jab at our children.
Let’s look at what he says next. What he says next is what we figure he would say. Fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. Now the Bible doesn’t leave us hanging here. It’s really going to get into some detail about how we discipline and train our children in the instruction of the Lord and some of it will sting but let’s go over to Psalm 78. It’s a great text.
Give ear oh my people to my teaching. Incline your ears to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in a parable or a story. I will utter dark sayings from of old things that we have heard and known that our fathers have told us. Verse 4 is where we’re going to get into these umbrella statements. We will not hide them from their children but tell to the coming generations the glorious deeds of the Lord and his might and the wonders that he has done.
Now I love this text because it’s about as umbrella as it gets. Here’s what it is saying. It is our job to continually take everything that is good, everything that is right, everything that is enjoyable, everything that is lovely, and bring it back for our children to its place of origin.
So an example I’ve used historically is when my daughter was two she had this thing for pink. I mean everything had to be pink. Bowls, cups, clothes everything was pink and so we had constant conversations about where pink came from. So that joy that you’re feeling that beauty that you’re seeing that’s God teaching you. How much does God love you that this is what he does? We try to do that with everything. Anything that is good…anything that is right. Anything that is spectacular God’s going to get the credit for that. Even difficult times he’s given credit for. How much does he love us that he would let us grow and learn through this?
So our hope is that if you ask our kids 20 or 30 years from now…tell me about your home growing up whether they believe or not because we can’t control that. What we want our kids to say is God was central. God was who he loved. He gave God credit for everything. I couldn’t eat a piece of chocolate or play in the pool without my dad going how amazing is God that he gave us waterslides.
(audience laughter)
Look at verse 5 it’s going to be a reference to the Torah or the Old Testament. He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel which he commanded our father to teach their children that the next generation might know him. This is a reference to the Torah or the first five books of the Old Testament. In the new covenant where we find ourselves now this would be a reference to the scriptures in the home. The scriptures should be known. They should be taught that they should be embraced in our home as God’s self disclosure of himself. Now, not only should the scriptures be known but the command there is to teach them.
Now I want to be real careful here because I don’t think this means that you’ve got to sit your kid down and go this word in Hebrew is ahava the root meaning…I don’t think that’s the kind of teaching that needs to occur.
I think that (A) the scriptures must be known and embraced in the home and you can do things that supplement you not being a teacher that feels like you can engage your children. In fact, what we want to be here at The Village is a supplement to that. But let me speak to two things. Both of them will probably create seats.
Kids at a very early age are born with this hypocrisy meter and I’m not even speaking religiously. Please don’t hear hypocrisy as a religious reference. It’s not. My daughter is already asking why do you get two popsicles. I don’t get two popsicles.
(audience laughter)
I thought too many popsicles made you sick. I had the red one and you have the purple one and you have a green one now and purple isn’t green and I thought it would make you sick.
What do you even say to that? You’re just like here’s another popsicle, all right?
(audience laughter)
What do you do? I just felt cornered. Or when we put her to bed at 8 and say you need your rest. You need your sleep we don’t want you to be cranky tomorrow. So, when are you going to bed? Well, don’t worry about me I’m the daddy. But you said…I know what I said.
(audience laughter)
We’re different. Old people don’t need as much sleep. And you’re like is that even true? Did I just lie to my kid unbeknownst to me? Do we need less sleep? Google…
(audience laughter)
So, they pick it up. Make your bed. Well I was just downstairs and who’s making your bed? What I’m saying is this. This is an impossible task if you’re not willing to submit to God yourself. You can put the 10 Commandments up in your home and you can know the moral things to say…don’t do this don’t do that don’t do this. But if you’re not in glad submission to God yourself nothing happens.
This is one of those points. I just want to continually say we’re not going to be perfect. We are going to blow it. We are going to have hypocrites. There are going to be seasons for us but the grace of God covers those things and we’ll continue to press in. So that’s number one. I think you have to be in glad submission yourself or there’s no way you can do this.
Here’s the second you have to relish the role. Here’s what I mean by that. On the way home from work specifically long days I have young children a 4-year-old and a 2-year old…on the way home I have to in my mind prepare myself for walking in our front door. Because if I’m not careful I’ll go, man, I just worked a long day I just want to lay on the couch. I want to watch Sports Center and drink a coke. That’s what I want to do tonight. I just want to do that and enjoy that. I’m going to walk in the door and what’s going to happen? I’ve got two kids they are going to run up and want to play. Loren is going to want to tell me about her day and I’ve had in my mind…is this not the truth. All frustration is birthed out of unmet expectation.
So I’ve got to come home going the job’s not done today. Job’s not done. I’ve got about three and a half more hours. It’s not over. Three and a half more hours to love, to shape, to pour into, to speak, to give out of myself three and a half more hours. And if our mind hasn’t shifted like that then our three and a half hours with our children and our wife are more often than not going to be combative. And so I try to do…on the way home I go…when I get home the kids are going to be hopped up on sugar and Loren will be duck taped in a closet and the house will be on fire.
(laughter)
So that when I get there…nothing’s on fire awesome. And I free Loren and we play with the kids all right for like two hours.
(laughter)
We have to relish our role. We have to say thank you God that you gave me babies to pour into for such a short period of time that I might pour into, love, enjoy, communicate, walk with and that will transcend the cowboy season I promise you. So you have to attack it like that. You have to walk in the door knowing that. Knowing that. Embrace it.
Bob: Well again we’ve been listening to a message today from Pastor Matt Chandler in the Dallas area. And it does help to pull back and go little perspective on this assignment I’ve been given by God. I need to roll up my sleeves and do what he’s called me to do.
Dennis: And your kids are watching. I received an e-mail in the past week from a friend of FamilyLife. In fact it was a wife who wrote and said we went to your conference almost 20 years ago and at the conference my husband wrote me a love letter and I’d kept that note in my billfold all these years. Well, the other day my 15-year-old daughter found the note and started reading it and shared it with her 13-year-old brother. She said you have to know how gratifying it was to watch them relish these words of lavish love that my husband had expressed to me in this note some 20 years ago. And she said it was so delightful. Thank you for your ministry at the Weekend to Remember. You know what guys. If you haven’t taken your wife to a Weekend to Remember there would be no greater act of worship or of service to her than to do just that and get away. Go sometime this fall and make it a special getaway for just the two of you. Then maybe a decade or two later on maybe your kids will find that love note.
Bob: There maybe some of you who are thinking well the fall is sure a long way away. Well now is the time to block it out on your calendar and make it a priority and carve out the weekend. Because if you wait longer you’ll just say we have something else going on. Well, make this what you got going on instead of something else going on.
The information you need about the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conferences can be found on our web site FamilyLifeToday.com. You can start now looking for dates and locations for conferences in the fall. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com make the decision to attend one of the upcoming conferences or get more information from us. Again our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com.
While you’re there check out a book by our friend, Stu Weber. Stu is a pastor in the Portland, Oregon area and he has written a very helpful book called The Four Pillars of a Man's Heart. This is the book challenges us all as men to keep our masculinity in balance and to understand what happens if something gets out of balance.
Again the book is called the Four Pillars of a Man's Heart by Stu Weber. Our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order from us online if you'd like or you can call 1-800 FLTODAY. 1-800-358-6329—that’s 1-800-“F” as in family “L” as in life and in the word Today.
Before we wrap things up today we do want to take a minute and say thank you to those of you who help support the ministry of FamilyLifeToday. Your financial contributions are what keep this program on this station and on our network of stations all across the country. Your partnership is essential.
Dennis: I just want to add my voice to Bob’s. Could I say thank you as well. Thanks for standing with us because your giving keeps FamilyLife Today on this station and keeps messages like this coming your way to equip you in a culture that is out to destroy your marriage, your family and your legacy. I just want to say thanks to those of you who gave back in the month of May to our matching gift campaign. You are real partners in this ministry.
Bob: And our financial needs to continue through the summer so if you are able to help with a donation of any amount this month let me encourage you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make your donation online. Or call us toll free at 1-800 FLTODAY and make your donation over the phone. Again we appreciate your partnership with us and your financial support of this ministry.
As Matt was talking today Dennis about men embracing their role as a father I was thinking about a guy who came to me a number of years ago and he said I don’t think I can be the kind of father I need to be because of the emotional deficits in my own life. I have so many issues of my own that I don’t think I can really be the kind of dad I ought to be. How would you respond to a guy like that?
Dennis: I think Matt’s message today is a great exhortation from scripture stand firm in the faith and act like men. Ultimately man up and submit and surrender to Jesus Christ. Matt also has an answer to your question Bob let’s hear how he answered it in his message.
Matt Chandler: And I know listen what about my needs? Well what about your needs. If you wanted to be a narcissist you shouldn’t have gotten married or had children. Because the second you signed up for those two you got to die. Because that’s the call on a man’s life.
Now I think you can call your wife at three in the afternoon and go this has been a brutal, brutal day. When I get home tonight can I just lay down on the couch for an hour or so. Can you help me with that?
I think you can make the call and go listen this game is on and I want this, baby. Please just tonight. Just tonight. But here’s what I’ve found. If you’ll be who God’s asked you to be in your home most of the other time your wife would gladly love for you to do those things. She would want to give you those things.
But what normally happens is you just take it all the time and don’t fill your role and then one night you really want that thing but it’s the one night she really needs a break and you have this cataclysmic blowup where you feel disrespected because you’ve been a little boy who’s married with children and your wife finally called you on it.
So I think you have to relish the role men. I think you have to relish it and be grateful for it.
Honestly, who gets to be a hero? Daddies do. Daddies get to be heroes. What a great gift. Who gets to be unconditionally loved by little baby girls? Daddies do. Who gets to be looked up to by young boys who go that’s what I want to be. Who gets that? Daddies do. You should relish that. You shouldn’t let a day escape you. I think we forget that we only get to do this once. We just get today once. Teach these things. But not just with your mouth you have to teach with your heart.
Bob: FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.
