Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday September 14. Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I’m Bob Lepine. We’ll take a look at the phenomenon of stay at home frather’s: The good, the bad, and the ugly today.
Welcome to FamilyLife Today thanks for joining us. So, you really want to open this can of worms?
Dennis: You know, in my office I have a hornet’s nest. I think I’ve shared with our listeners – I actually paid cash money for this hornet’s nest on Ebay.
Bob: As you mention this, I just wonder if I went on-line and searched for a six pack of a can of worms – I just wonder if you can get a can of worms? I should get you a six pack, because from time to time you just like to pop one open, and just see what’s in there.
(laughter)
Dennis: You’re mixing the metaphors!
Bob: I am!
Dennis: We’re going to throw a stone at a hornet’s nest here in a moment, but before we pick up a couple of stones and then run for our lives, I just want to say thanks to the folks that keep us on the air here through their prayers, folks listening, and calling the radio stations and letting them know that they really like what we’re doing here and how we operate.
Bob: Folks who get in touch with us, send us e-mails, share the word about the program with their friends.
Dennis: Yes, it takes a lot of folks to keep us going here on FamilyLife Today, and these had been challenging times, and I just wanted to say, “Thanks to the world’s best listeners, and the worlds best donors for making this ministry possible.”
I just wanted to give you a little update – last year in the past 12 months we had 130 Weekend to Remember Conferences – about 75,000 people attended those conferences. Of those who passed in an evaluation, over 2,500 indicated they received Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord at the conference. So, I just want to say, “Thanks to those of you who support this broadcast, and just appreciate you!” I want you to know that. Now, back to the hornet’s nest!
(laughter)
Bob: Now, lets get those stones ready!
Dennis: Let’s get back to the hornet’s nest. I want to read an e-mail to get the stone ready here. This is kind of a lengthy e-mail, but I want to read this, because I think this guy was genuine who wrote me, and I think it’s a fair ask!
He says, “Dear Dennis, I’m a stay at home dad” – okay now are we clear where the hornet’s nest is at this point? “I’m a stay at home dad, and my family and I recently settled into a new city and found a church. While I was there I was looking for resources on parenting, and found your website as well as a few others. However, I do not see any resources for stay at home fathers. There is stuff for stay at home mothers, and single mothers, but nothing for a stay at home father – or even fathers who spend more time with their kids and are not the sole breadwinner.”
He goes on and asks a fair question: He says, “Is my lifestyle somehow against the Christian family, and that’s why you do not feature any articles or help for a growing segment of the population?” At last count he writes, there are 300,000 households led at home by stay at home fathers.
I’m going to stop reading for a moment, and just tell you Bob, I checked into this, and this is a growing movement. There are actually conventions on an annual basis for stay at home father’s where they can get together and talk about the challenges of raising children while their wives are in the workplace being the sole breadwinner in the family.
Bob: So, you are not talking here about guys who are working from home or they have their office in a back bedroom somewhere? These are guys who have taken homemaking and childcare as their primary job while their wife is in the marketplace, or in the workplace earning the money for the family.
Dennis: We’ll talk more about that in a moment. For the most part that is an accurate statement. He goes on to say, “Am I living in sin?” This is interesting – am I living in sin since my wife has a job that more than provides for our family? He goes on to ask, should we somehow readjust our lives top to bottom so I can earn a third as much, and allow her to be home?
Now, we’re talking about a serious issue here! He goes on to conclude his e-mail by saying, “Maybe I’m missing something on your web site or your ministry – however I think it’s something that father’s and families out there need which is support from family organizations and resources as opposed to being shut out from the conversation. Or is it that we are living a sinful lifestyle as I mentioned earlier and is best kept in the closet?” “Pardon the pun” he said! “Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your response.”
Well, I got his e-mail, and I started thinking about it. You and I talked about it, and we did do a little further research on this. We found out that a 2008 survey that is done annually on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day by a web site called Careerbuilder.com found that 37% of men would stay home with their children if their wife could comfortably support the family.
Bob: That’s like four in ten guys who would cash it in and stay home. Now I have to just stop here – maybe it’s just where I am but I’m wondering if those guys have ever spent a week at home taking care of the kids when they say that’s what I’d do? I’ve had a few days where I’ve done that and I have been so grateful when my wife has been back home, and I could go back to work.
(laughter)
Just being honest with you here!
Dennis: Yes, I understand! I have to tell you Bob, and I’ll read some more of these a little bit later. I asked for advice from my Facebook friends.
Bob: Oh, you went right to the experts!
Dennis: I went to the experts, and your comment reminded me of one I received from Julia.
She said, “Boy, would I love that for my husband to try that for a couple of weeks – we could both use a renewed commitment for me to be the homemaker. I’m pretty sure that would do it!”
(laughter)
Yes, well anyway, here’s another one said, “Well, my husband would have done a better job than me except for sewing, and there’s no way I could have done his job.”
Yes, so you know – I’m with you Bob! I mean being a homemaker is challenging – in fact I’m going to tell you something: I still marvel at how Barbara did this with six children that we had in ten years, and all the things we did in the ministry – because Barbara’s helped me since the beginning of this ministry. Yet, she’s been a worker at home as well!
Bob: So I guess the question is back to the original e-mail you got. Is this one of those gray areas where couples can sit down and determine what makes sense for them, and there’s freedom to do whatever works for you, or is there anything in scripture that guides us in what has been the more traditional pattern: Men go out in the marketplace, and earn a living, and women stay home and take care of the kids.
Dennis: Yes, your question really reminds me of a conversation I had with a young couple at a convention that was filled with missionaries. This particular couple worked with college students. They came up to me at the end of one of the messages, and they said, “Is there anything wrong with my husband staying at home with the kids, because I really do a better job on the campus than he does: Should we embrace that as our model, and as our lifestyle?”
You know that occurred about five or six years ago, and I’ve thought often what would I have said to that young couple if I’d had a good tall cup of coffee? It would have taken about an hour to have had a conversation and to have asked a ton of questions of them to really find out what’s behind that decision. My effort here Bob is going to be as though I was sitting down with a young couple maybe even my son and daughter-in-law, or daughter and son-in-law who were coming to me for advice.
Bob: So, should our listeners pour a tall cup of coffee?
Dennis: I think they may have to cancel the next broadcast that follows us here on FamilyLife Today. No, we’ll actually take a little extra time and talk about this because here’s what I found out by asking my friends on Facebook.
When I raised the issue, a number of them said, “Yes, it’s okay because my husband’s better at it than I am.” A hundred years ago it wasn’t an issue because we had an agrarian economy, and men worked around the home and on the farm; he was there! Husbands of wives did it together! Others on Facebook said, “When dad’s stay home – this is pretty brutal – the whole family suffers.” So, they’re pretty honest about that.
Bob: So, you’re saying it’s split down the middle from those who would say there’s really no big deal here at all?
Dennis: No, I wouldn’t say it was split down the middle. Others who said, “Men who don’t work suffer from depression because of their inability to provide.” Another woman wrote, “Money is power, and it can give a woman who’s the sole breadwinner the power in the family, and eliminate the man as the leader of the family.”
Now, there are going to be some of our listeners really not like that statement. Others raised questions of whether a stay at home father really projects real masculinity - if that’s something you want your sons to be able to emulate, or your daughters to look for in a husband, and in a father of their children.
Bob: Now, we ought to be clear here: You’re talking about somebody who makes a deliberate choice for an extended period of time saying this is how we’re going to set up our family? I mean, I’m thinking of those folks where it may be that a dad gets laid off from a job – we’ve seen a lot of men laid off from their jobs over the last many months.
Dennis: I’m not talking about the temporary loss of a job. While we are talking about job loss though, if a man does lose his job, I’m not talking about a man unplugging, and just staying home at that point. I think men who have lost a job need to be diligent and deliberate even though they are fighting discouragement, depression, and a loss of some of their identity perhaps.
I think they need to fight that through, and find full-time employment to be providing for their family. I’m also not talking about a father who stays home in the event of the death of his wife. One father that I heard about through Facebook stayed at home for a year to bring stability to his children in the absence of their mother: I am not talking about that! I’m also not talking about health issues either.
Bob: I was going to ask about that, because some men are at home because of physical disabilities or some kind of a situation that has them sidelined. What you are really focusing on here is the couple that says, “You know I think she’s better in the workplace, or she can make more money in the workplace. He’s better at home taking care of the kids. That just feels right to us, and that’s how we’re going to organize our lives.”
Dennis: Right! There’s one other category I want to just put a disclaimer on: I’m also not talking about men who work from home full-time. So, what we’re talking about is as you said Bob, “A husband and a wife who decide that it’s better for dad to stay home and take care of the kids, while the wife goes out and provides for the family..
Bob: This could be something – I’m just trying to imagine a guy who is a skilled laborer, he’s a trim carpenter, or he’s a plumber. He has a good career, and he fell in love with and married a doctor. She has the training, and the background to be able to bring in for the family – three, four, five times as much money as his job is going to make it possible for the family to earn.
Dennis: I’ve received e-mails laying out that scenario. These are excellent questions that people raise. I want to ask a very fundamental question here, and that is what is really going on here? To answer that question you have to pull back to the big picture, and you have to look at our culture. First of all we have a culture that is homogenizing the sexes. It is a gender blender culture – it doesn’t care about the distinctives of male and female that God created in men and women in the beginning. In fact if anything, it wants to distort that distinction between men and women.
I also want to say that in my years of counseling couples, and having talked to a lot of couples who have tried this – this is going to sound pretty painful, but over time I have never watched a couple make this work and work well over an extended period of time. I have seen some make it work in the short term, but I have never seen a couple who ended up at the end of the journey 15 or 20 years later, happy that they made the choice for the wife to go become the sole breadwinner, and the husband to provide the nurture and the care for the children.
Bob: You know, as soon as you say that, we have listeners who are saying, “Well, you haven’t heard our story – we’ve gone 10, 15, 20 years, and it’s working great for us.”
Dennis: I don’t claim to know all people, I just am speaking from my experience of what I’ve seen, and I’ve seen a lot of people try it. Now, having said that, I’m going to make a couple of absolute statements.
First of all, I’m not going to say that it’s wrong 100% of the time. I’m going to sound like I’m on the fence by making a second statement by saying, I will not say it’s right 100% of the time either! What I will say, “Is that we live in an imperfect world, and that there are some general guidelines of scripture that I believe God has given us that can guide us in the journey in this imperfect world of determining what is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus!
I am not responsible for your decisions made in your marriage, and in your family – you are!” I’m just simply trying to give you my perspective as best I know it from the scripture, from the experiences God has given me, and lay it out in a way so that I can share with you: Here’s how I would talk to my son and daughter-in-law if they were about to make this decision on a permanent basis for their marriage and their family.
Bob: So, let me see if I hear what you’re saying. You’re saying, We can’t make this a black and white thus sayeth the Lord kind of a decision?
Dennis: I don’t think the scriptures speak to it absolutely to be able to make that statement.
Bob: But, at the same time the scriptures do give us some clues, and we can apply biblically based wisdom as we evaluate in our own families whether this is a right or a wrong decision for our family to make. I’m just guessing here that you would say, “Most of the time if we do that, dad’s going to be out doing the work, and Mom’s going to be overseeing the household.
Dennis: Yes, and I think mom’s will work outside the home part-time, full-time. I think that can happen, I think it does happen, and yet if you want to take a look at what’s happening in the culture, the family is falling apart because of the economic pressures we are putting on it to have more, acquire more, and live at a higher standard. I’m now tipping my hand Bob about what I will say about this because I’m looking at the cup of coffee that’s about half gone.
Here’s what I’m going to do as we unpack this – this week. In the absence of any clear biblical prohibition against or blessing for stay at home dad’s what I want to do is provide a biblical mirror for you to look into, and perhaps reveal some blind spots that you may have as you consider making this decision. Or, you know someone who has already made it, and perhaps you see them headed for disaster, and maybe you’d like to help them.
It’s not my intention on this broadcast to beat people up. Life is tough enough as it is. We’re all about encouraging people, cheering them on; but cheering them on according to the Biblical blueprints to be a follower of Christ, and to do our best to try to live life the way God designed it. You know what pass on that perspective to the next generation.
Bob: I feel like we need to say, “We’re not tackling the issue of two parents working in this comment.”
Dennis: No, no the hornets nest that we’ve thrown a stone at this is sufficient. Although, it’s not a huge number right now, but I do think what’s happening is there is a shift going on in the culture. As we’ll talk about, there is a rejection in many places of what is normative in scripture.
Bob: Well, we’ve already lived through the shift that took us from dad in the workplace, mom at home to both parents being in the workplace. Now, we’re starting to see a new trend, which is mom in the workplace, and dad at home. That’s what we’re trying to address here, and you know I’m thinking at our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences we spend time talking about what’s at the core of a husband’s responsibility in a marriage relationship as both a husband and a father, and what’s at the center of a wife’s responsibility as both a wife and a mom.
Couples tell us that time we spend as part of the conference on Sunday morning – the men off in one ballroom, and the women in a different ballroom tackling these kinds of issues – they say that’s the most helpful part of the weekend for a lot of these couples. If you’ve not been to one of our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences we have just kicked off our fall season. We are going to be in more than 50 cities all across the country this fall, and we hope you’ll make plans to attend one of these upcoming events. If it’s been a while since you’ve attended maybe three, or four, or five years let me encourage you to get a weekend away and invest in your marriage relationship.
You can find out more about the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference on our web site FamilyLifeToday.com – you can register on-line if you’d like – again it’s FamilyLifeToday.com
When you come to the web site you’ll also find information there about a classic book from Dr. Robert Lewis called Rocking the Roles where Robert looks hard at what the Bible has to say about our marriage roles, and what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a woman, and how that plays out in a marriage relationship. I remember reading parts of that book to Mary Ann when I first got a copy, because it just expressed well – very clearly some key concepts that affected us in our marriage relationship.
Again, you can find out more about the book Rocking the Roles on our website FamilyLifeToday.com or if it’s easier to call us about any of this stuff just call 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329, 1-800 F as in “family” L as in “life” and then the word TODAY. Someone on our team can answer any questions you have about the Weekend to Remember or about the book Rocking the Roles or we can make arrangements to have a copy of the book sent out to you if you’d like.
Speaking of the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference, one of the messages that we present at that conference has to do with God’s plan for marriage, and embracing our spouse as a gift from God. One of the speakers who speaks at our conferences all around the country is Dr. Crawford Loritts. He is the pastor at Fellowship Bible Church in Roswell, Georgia, he’s the author of a number of books, and he’s been a guest on FamilyLife Today many times. This month if you’re able to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount, we’d love to send you a thank you gift. It’s a copy of Crawford speaking at a Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference about embracing your spouses – God’s perfect gift for you – understanding God’s plan for marriage.
To receive a copy of this CD you can go on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com – make a donation of any amount, and as you fill out the online donation form you’ll come to a key code box – just type in the word “gift”. Again, we’ll know to send you a copy of the CD featuring Dr. Crawford Loritts. Or, call toll-free 1-800-FLTODAY – make your donation over the phone, and just ask for the CD about God’s plan for marriage. We’re happy to send it out to you; we do appreciate your support of this ministry. We are listener supported, and your donations make it possible for us to continue on this station, and our network of stations all across the country, and around the world.
So, thanks in advance for whatever you’re able to do in providing financial support for the ministry. We hope you can be back with us tomorrow when we’re going to continue to think through the implications of making the decision as a couple for dad to stay home and raise the kids while Mom goes out to be the primary provider for the family. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow – hope you can be with us for that.
I want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I’m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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