Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, September 22nd. Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I’m Bob Lepine. Celebrating the empty nest may sound like a paradox, a contradiction in terms; but it actually is not. We’ll talk about that today.
Welcome to FamilyLife Today thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. You said it took a while before it dawned on you that the empty nest had finally arrived?
Dennis: Yes.
Bob: But you knew...
Dennis: I really had all these grand plans of how I thought we would…
Barbara: Yes, he did. (Laughter)
Dennis: We would disengage from being parents we would flip a switch in true male-style…
Bob: Uh, huh.
Barbara: He did.
Dennis: We’d just be driving off into the sunset in a convertible, laughing, having fun.
Bob: And the switch didn’t flip? Is that what you are saying? (Laughter)
Dennis: Oh, my goodness. (Laughter) The switch may have ground its way to the other side. It took a couple of years, Bob.
Bob: Barbara, let me ask you; and by the way, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.
Barbara: Thanks.
Bob: If you could have flipped the switch, do you think Dennis could have flipped the switch?
Barbara: Oh, yes.
Bob: So he was ready; he didn’t have the emotional processing moving into the empty nest that you did?
Barbara: Well, he had more than I expected. I was surprised because every once in a while he would walk through the house or walk around the backyard, and go, “Gosh, I really miss those years with the kids.” It would surprise me because I didn’t really expect him to feel those things that I was feeling. I knew I would, but I wasn’t expecting him to do so.
Dennis: I’d come home from work and the car would be surrounded, like it was being invaded by a group of…
Barbara: Yes, all those years the kids were home.
Dennis: Yes, bandits—and all of a sudden you pull up in front of the house and …
Barbara: Sometimes nobody is there because I wasn’t always there.
Dennis: There is nothing happening.
Barbara: I didn’t have to be home.
Bob: I remember you talking. You’d come into the office. The way you described it, you said, “There’s no tension against the muscle—this muscle you’ve been working out with for 20+ years.”
Dennis: Oh yeah, it’s called the “Daddy Muscle.” I mean you’ve had to be a daddy. Now I’m still a dad; I have adult children. You know, you go home, you leave work, you pull up in front of the house, and you get ready for your second job--being a husband and being a father. Well, all of a sudden, the father-thing is out of there. I mean no tension against the muscle.
Bob: You spent the first part of the empty nest years together with your friend, Susan Yates, who is a pastor’s wife, who lives in the Washington D.C. area. She and her husband, John, speak at our Weekend to Remember marriage conferences. He’s the pastor of Falls Church in Falls Church, Virginia.
The two of you collaborated on a book called Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest. You’ve had the opportunity, in a number of settings, to speak to women on this subject. You were at Park Cities Presbyterian Church in Dallas a while back and spoke to a group of women. You outlined the key questions that women ask themselves during the empty nest years. Already this week we have heard you address two of those. Refresh us on what those were.
Barbara: Yes. The first two questions are: “Am I the only one who feels this way?” The empty nest can be a very lonely time for women. When you are in the empty nest, you look around, you don’t have those external clues, and you are feeling things you didn’t expect to feel--maybe some of them that you did. There is a real isolation factor in the empty nest; so I think most women are asking the question, “Am I the only one who feels this way?”
Dennis: It is back to what Susan said at the beginning of the broadcast. There aren’t celebration parties, announcing to the world, “I’m now transitioning into this new calling and season of life.”
Barbara: Exactly. The second question is, “What is happening to my relationships?” You look at each other, and the kids are not there, and you think, “Okay, who are you and who am I? What is our relationship like?”
You realize that you need to perhaps do some renegotiating and recalibrating in your relationship. Then your kids want to be treated differently because they see themselves as adults and independent. You’ve got to figure out how to relate to adult kids, and you’ve never done that before. So there is a lot going on that affects the important relationships in your life. So the second question women ask is, “What is happening to happening to my relationships?”
Bob: Well, we are going to pick up with Part Two of your message with Susan Yates as she introduces the third question asked during the empty nest years.
Susan: “Who have I become?” As we all know the empty nest is a major transition. Transitions are just plain awkward. Whatever season of life we are in we expect stability to be the norm but in fact transition is more the norm in daily life.
Just look back at the transitions we have already experienced. Leaving home, marriage, the first baby, a new job, a new boss and an old job, financial loss, moves, illnesses, a crisis with a child, a national or international crisis with each one of these transitions we keep waiting for life to calm down. The reality is life never calms down and it just gets more complicated. We long for a period of predictability and stability. We think that that is the way life should be—predictable, stable, and calm. It even seems to be for some of our friends.
My sister is very wise and often when we look at other women as you perhaps have done you see another woman and she looks so perfectly put together. You sit there and imagine her life is all together—her marriage is great, her kids are great and she is experiencing stability and calm and my sister says there is always data missing.
(laughter)
You don’t know. It’s helpful to remember that. We are all much more alike than we give the perception of being. The empty nest is messy and sometimes in order to figure out who we are and what we are to do in the season we need to take a break. It’s really important to take a break. In all honesty Barbara was much better at taking a break than I was. I want her to tell you about that.
Barbara: Part of the reason I took a break was because I was sort of forced to. Because I began the empty nest in a very emotionally depleted state I knew I couldn’t jump into the next thing. I didn’t have the energy to jump into the next thing but Susan did. I realized I needed some time off. I pulled back from things and I said “no” to a lot of things. I didn’t join things and I stepped back my involvement to give myself some time to recover frankly. I did that during my youngest daughter’s freshman year in college.
As I did that I discovered I needed that break as an empty nester as much for my entrance into the empty nest as I did to recover from the trials and struggles that we had been through with our daughter. I discovered I needed time to re-evaluate my life. I needed time to look objectively at who I had become over the last 28 years. I was a different person in many ways than the one I was when I got married. I needed time to think. I needed time for a pause in the pace of my life. I think other women do, too. All of us need a break. All of us need a pause after the intense years of parenting that are so 24/7 year after year.
Susan and I want to give you permission to take a break that first year after your youngest leaves. Don’t feel like you have to jump into the next activity thinking now that I’m free I can do 100 things that I have wanted to do. You may want to do that but it would be wise if you took a break. It could be as short as a weekend away by yourself where you do some thinking and evaluating. You may want to take a couple of weeks off or maybe a couple of months off. It could be you take off a whole semester and not do anything. Pull back and evaluate your life and think about what is it that I want to do with the rest of my life?
As you do that think about a couple of things. We have other things for you to think about in our book but two in particular are: look back over your life and say what am I thankful for? Begin to make a list of the things that you are thankful for that God has done. It is so easy to focus on the bad things and the losses. What are those good things that I can be thankful for?
Then secondly you might want to evaluate. What are the issues and relationships and needs that I have avoided because I have been so busy? What are the gaps in my marriage? What are the gaps in my other relationships? What are things in my life that I have sort of swept aside because I have been so busy raising kids that I dare not ignore anymore now that I have the time I can focus on these issues in my life?
It would also be a good time to spend time with your husband thinking ahead. What do we want to do for the rest of our lives? What do we want the rest of our lives to look like? As Dennis and I have talked about this we made some promises to each other. A couple of them are we have promised each other we are not going to become gripey, cynical, old people.
(Laughter)
We are already seeing how easy that would be to become that way. Things are starting to fall apart and we don’t like the way we feel some days. It would be real easy to gripe about that. We have committed to one another that we are not going to do that.
Secondly, we have promised that we are going to do everything we can to stay healthy, to stay strong mentally, and on the cutting edge. I have to tell you a funny little story. Recently in order to stay on the cutting edge my husband decided to join facebook which he and I laughed about. I said to him I know that is being on the cutting edge but I am too busy. I don’t have time to manage anything else. Well, our daughter has just about flipped over the fact that her daddy is on facebook.
(laughter)
She’s 24 and she’s still single and she been after me. She said, “don’t you dare get on facebook. It’s not for people your age.”
(laughter)
She has really been angry that her daddy has gotten on facebook but it has made for some good laughs.
The third thing that we have decided to do together as a couple is that we intend to use our lives for God’s purposes for as long as He gives us breath. We want to be engaged in kingdom activities. None of us knows how long we have left. We may only have a couple of years. We may have 10 years but I want my life and Dennis wants his life and I know that John and Susan feel the same way we want our lives to be maximized for the kingdom of God for the years that we have left.
Susan: So far we’ve looked at three questions: does anyone feel this way, what is happening to my relationships and who have I become? We have a final question.
Barbara: The fourth question is what is my new purpose? One of the benefits of the empty nest is the nature of its transition. It is a turning point in all of our lives as women. Sometimes it is uncomfortable but nonetheless it can be a season that can be full of benefits and full of opportunities. We can pull back and say why am I here? In our generation we are healthier, we have greater resources and we will probably live longer than previous generations of women. It is a wonderful opportunity for us in this season of life to look forward to the empty nest.
Susan: One of the things that Barbara and I have discovered as we have talked to other women is how many women now in the season of the empty nest are asking spiritual questions. There have many times of recommitment for both Barbara and me over the years. We’ve had many questions along the way. it has been uncomfortable with many doubts and hard times but spiritual growth is much like physical growth. There are growth spurts and there are really awkward hard times. But the fact is that we are still growing.
Barbara: So no matter where you are in your own spiritual journey we really feel like this season is a great time to re-evaluate your life and to re-evaluate your spiritual relationship with God at the same time.
The verse Ephesians 2:10 says “we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works.” As long as we are on this earth God has a plan for us. He wants to be working in our lives. You can apply that to your life and say God has a plan for me. Each and every one of you God has a specific plan for you for how He wants to use you for the rest of your life.
As you transition into the empty nest or as you are adjusting in your early years of the empty nest take some time to think what am I good at? Evaluate your life and perhaps even take some self assessment tests to evaluate your strengths and your weaknesses. Evaluate where you can plug in to make the biggest difference for eternity.
Susan: Let me give you a little snapshot of three friends who are empty nesters who started something quite by accident. They live in a small town in Pennsylvania and they walk every morning. After they have done the big walk up the hill the reward for their exercise is to meet at Starbucks. One morning they were at Starbucks which is sort of the center of town and they were sitting at a table drinking their lattes and they noticed a young mom in tears standing in line to get her coffee.
Even though she didn’t really know her my friend Sue said, “Come sit with us. You look like you need a hug.” So this young mother went and over and sat with my three empty nest friends and she began to pour out her heart about a situation she had with one of her children. It was a pre teenager and she was in the midst of desperation.
Now my three wise empty nest friends had been through so much of what she was going through. They could identify with her feelings. They themselves had been through different issues and they were able to listen and comfort her and yet also to give her some very practical advice simply because they had experience and wisdom. As my friends sat there and visited after a little while the young mom got up and as she left she turned to them and said, “Thank you so much. This has so encouraged me.” My friend Sue said, “Well, it’s just free advice. You can take it or leave it.” In that moment was born the “Take It or Leave It” club.
(laughter)
Sue, Sally and Jackie began to set up a regular table at Starbucks after their morning walks and word spread through this community that this was the table where hassled young moms could go and sit and be comforted by older moms. God wants us to be what I call F.A.T. women—faithful, available, and teachable. It’s a great acronym isn’t it?
Barbara: Because we know you women have these nurturing skills and mothering skills we want to challenge you to this “Take It or Leave It” club. We want to give you another challenge that is the other side of the coin as a way you might want to care for children or be involved in providing relief for children.
Almost every county in this country has a foster care system and almost every one of those foster care systems is broken. They are in need of great help. They are always stretched thin and they don’t have enough resources and people to help. Some of you love babies. Some of you love children and you could provide a home. Maybe God wants to use you to recruit other families who can do this or get involved in just helping the system work better. We as Christians need to be involved in helping the helpless and helping these children who don’t have families. We in our generation need to unite in living second season lives of great purpose. We don’t want to settle for mediocrity. Time is too short, why do that? God has great purposes for our lives and we want to challenge you to discover those and not settle for mediocrity but live for the kingdom of God.
Bob: Well we’ve been listening again today to part two of a message from Barbara Rainey and Susan Yates on living life in the empty nest. Getting ready for it and then being there. You and Susan and her husband, John, and your husband, Dennis, just spent some time together. The four of you got away and vacationed together.
Barbara: We did. We had a great time.
Bob: Did you talk about your empty nest adjustments at all?
Barbara: I don’t think we talked about our adjustments because I think all four of us are far enough past that. We did talk about our lives and what we are looking forward to in the future and the plans that we all want to do. We had great conversations about the future and where we want to head.
Bob: Those kinds of relationships especially in the empty nest years are vital aren’t they?
Barbara: Yes, I think they are really important because I think the danger in the empty nest years is to become isolated. Because our relationships revolved around our kids and those families and those parents we need to become intentional in building couple friendships and woman to woman and man to man friendships that are not tied to our children. We need that for the long haul.
Dennis: Usually it is our friends who mirror back to us answers to questions we are asking as we transition into this season of life. In the back of chapter nine on take a break and evaluate your life Barbara and Susan have a number of questions in their book. I do think these questions are best answered by your spouse and some of the friends who know you the best. It really can be a satisfying time.
I know there are some of the moms who are listening to us right now or maybe a dad or two in the early stages of your family who are listening to us and you are thinking this is going to be a long way off. You know what? It happens in a blink. You need to prepare and get ready and you need to do it right.
Bob: And to have these questions that you have put here at the end of each chapter gives a reader an opportunity to really ponder through some of the same things that you have pondered through as a mom who was new to the empty nest season of life and weren’t sure exactly which direction to go. To be able to think through these questions and be prepared for it or if you are in the middle of it to be able to find some help and counsel to navigate your way through it I think it will be extremely helpful for many of our listeners.
And we’ve got copies of the book, Barbara and Susan’s Guide to the Empty Nest in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com there’s more information about the book on our website or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, that’s 1-800-358-6329 and our team can make arrangements to have a copy of Barbara and Susan’s book sent to you.
As we wrap up today we want to say thank you to those of you who help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today, programs like ours that you hear on this station. And we are all listener supported which means that if we don’t hear from folks like you who listen to this program then well in some cases we have to make the difficult decision to no longer be heard on that local station. So it’s very important for us to hear from folks who listen. Just drop us a note and let us know that you are listening and if you are able to help support the ministry we appreciate that as well.
Dennis: And Bob I don’t think our donors have ever realized it but they really are fig tree growers.
Bob: Fig tree growers?
Dennis: We don’t have a lot of fig trees here in America but in the Bible there is a passage in Proverbs that says he who tends the fig tree will eat its fruit. It is all about investing. If you take care of a tree and you grow it over a lifetime it will provide shade and fruit that will be delightful. Those of you who donate to FamilyLife Today are helping us grow shade for this generation and for future generations because you care to give. You are also growing fruit that your children and grandchildren will take and enjoy. Thanks for standing with us here on FamilyLife Today and for being a part of our ministry. This ministry is more needed today than it ever has been in the history of our nation. I want to say thanks for standing with us and want you to know that I appreciate you.
Bob: This month, if you can support FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount we’d like to send you a CD that features one of the messages you can hear at the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference. Dr. Crawford Loritts talks about God’s plan for marriage. Genesis 2:24, leaving, cleaving and becoming one flesh with your mate and receiving your mate as God’s perfect gift for you.
The CD with Crawford Lorritts is our thank you gift to you this month when you support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount. When you make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com type the word “gift” in the key code box that you find on the online donation form and we’ll be sure to send you a copy of this CD. Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, and just ask for a copy of the CD on marriage when you make your donation. And again we’re happy to send it out to you and we do appreciate your financial partnership. It means a lot to us.
Now tomorrow we hope you can join us. Our guest, Dr. Al Mohler, is the President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. We are going to talk about living pure and holy lives in a culture that is awash with impurity. Hope you can be back with us for that.
I want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I’m Bob Lepine. We will see you next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.
© 2009 FamilyLife
Buy resources from this week's broadcast at the FamilyLife Resource Center