Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, November 13. Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I’m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of challenges that come with the assignment of being a stepmom. Relating to your stepchildren’s biological mother may be one of the most significant. We’re going to talk about that today.
Welcome to FamilyLife Today thanks for joining us. We have tackled some tough subjects on this program in the years that we’ve been doing it.
Dennis: We have!
Bob: The subject we’re talking about this week is one of those difficult subjects. It’s difficult to unpack, and there are so many different dynamics – so many different ways of trying to get your arms around this subject of stepfamilies, and step parenting that it’s hard to really zero in on the common counsel you want to give to folks.
Dennis: Yes, that’s right! Stepfamilies face an enormous number of emotional issues – issues around authority, issues around their marriage, and around a previous marriage perhaps, the death of a spouse.
Bob: Well, and it might be that you came into a stepfamily because a previous spouse was deceased, it might be that there was a divorce, it might be that both the husband, and the wife are bringing children into a marriage, and eventually there may be children that are biological children of the new husband and wife. I mean again there’s so many different dynamics at work here.
Dennis: Yes, in fact you’re raising an issue that I want to ask our guests today. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge join us on FamilyLife Today. Laura – Ron welcome back.
Laura: Thank you!
Ron: Thank you!
Dennis: You all have written a book called The Smart Stepmom. You both have ministered in this area of stepfamilies for a number of years, and you collaborated to really produce a very healthy book – wholesome book, but at the same time an honest book. Let’s talk about having biological children of your own: In other words having a child that you biologically create, and then rear together as a couple. That’s going to create additional issues for stepfamilies. Where should a couple start who are in a stepfamily who maybe have hers, and his, or just his?
Bob: Or just hers! But now they’re stopping to think
Ron: Should we have an “ours”?
Bob: Right!
Ron: You know first of all let me say that the research is really unclear – that we don’t have an awful lot of really good research. So, I can tell you anecdotally what we believe is the best advice for people in general, but honestly every couples going to have to decide for themselves whether they want to move towards having a child together.
I do think that in general an “ours baby” as we sometimes refer to it, and talk about in the book exacerbates or continues what was. So if there is family health – if the stepfamily is doing well – if the family is molding together, and feel pretty good about the relationships having an “ours baby” oftentimes even solidifies that even more. Sometimes we kind of jokingly refer to it as the concrete child, because it helps solidify everything that’s going on in the family.
Dennis: It’s not going to create something that doesn’t exist.
Ron: That’s right! On the other hand if things are stressful don’t have an “ours baby” because it tends to add stress.
Dennis: In all this I want to go back to the Bible, which says; “Children are a blessing.” Anybody who has had a child realizes that a child will redeem you from your selfishness. Now, in a stepfamily you’ve already experienced plenty of redemption at that point because you’ve had to face some of your selfishness.
What I want to encourage couples who are in blended families to consider as they think about this is: God really encourages us to have children – if we’re followers of Christ let’s create a godly legacy here. God’s power has always worked through broken situations – it’s a part of what life is. But, a couple really needs to be in agreement around this decision to have a biological child.
Bob: Laura was an “ours baby” even an option for you guys when you became a stepmom?
Laura: It wasn’t! It wasn’t an option for physical reasons, and just because I think partially – I didn’t realize this at the time, but my Dad with his first wife had an “ours baby.” I think that had somewhat of a negative effect even though I was a teenager already. So, I didn’t have any resentment towards my half brother. It wasn’t that type of thing – as a matter of fact I thought he was cute, and great. But, I do think for me—it was one more sense of oh: so now he has a new wife, he has her children, and now they have their own baby – he really doesn’t need us anymore.
Dennis: You felt excluded?
Laura: I did - You know I don’t think I realized it until I became an adult, and started pondering all the family dynamics but I really feel that it caused even more of a distance in my relationship with my Dad, and his wife when they had another child.
Bob: You know we’ve talked already this week about the fact that you have a couple of chapters in your book: The Smart Stepmom that are written for dads. I was just sitting here thinking I wonder why you didn’t write The Smart Stepdad at the same time you wrote The Smart Stepmom. Both of them need to be smart! It’s probably the stepmom who will go buy a book, and try to get some help more than a dad doing it right?
Ron: Actually I’m contracted to write the Smart Stepdad. It’s a project that I will be undertaking in the future. We just came out with this one first, and I’ll tell you why. I think it’s harder to be a stepmother than it is to be a stepfather. That’s an overgeneralization I realize, and there’s always exceptions to that but the role of stepmother is a very, very difficult role, and oftentimes a very lonely role. We really felt like that was the first person we needed to reach out to.
Laura: Kids seem to accept a step dad more easily than they do a stepmom. We found that in a lot of our research, and a lot of what we did in writing this. We don’t really have the psychology behind that – not that ever Stepdad is accepted, but they do seem to accept a Stepdad better than they do a Stepmom.
Dennis: You say in your book there is several things a stepfather needs to consider as he provides love, and leadership for his family. Share a few of those with our audience.
Ron: First and foremost he has to declare his loyalty to his wife before his children, and before any extended family for example. Everybody just needs to know that Dad, and his wife are lifers!
Bob: Does he sit down with the kids, and say, “Kids let me just tell you, you have just moved to the back seat – Mom’s in the front seat.” Does he say that to them?
(laughter)
Ron: Well, I think he can articulate: Yes, with words his dedication to her – his promise to her that he means that forsaking all others in his vows also now includes them. Now, please understand all things in balance.
This does not mean he’s neglecting his children or he’s leaving them behind – he’s going to love them, and care for them. Just like a couple in a first family – you know we talk about this – we take it for granted: A couple in a first marriage in a first family – they spend time nurturing their marriage relationship, and giving lots of time, and energy to their kids during those child rearing years. There’s a balance there. Well, this dad’s going to do the same thing, but he’s also going to be very intentional to let them know that his relationship to his wife is going to last forever, and he’s in!
Bob: I’ll never forget hearing Pastor Tommy Nelson speaking at a conference we were doing where he said, “I used to tell my boys if we were ever out in a rowboat in the middle of a lake, and a storm came up, and the boat tipped over. He said I want you to know what I would do”. He said, “I would get that boat flipped around, I would go get your Mom, I would get her in the boat, I would dry her off, I would see if she needed some lemonade, I would make sure she was okay.” He said, “Then I’d look back in the water if you were still flailing I’d come in after you.”
(laughter)
You know it can sound almost like he was being cruel to his sons, but there was a sense of security that came with those kids knowing dad and mom are sticking together. With step kids it’s a little different dynamic though isn’t it?
Ron: That’s right, but the kids need to know where dad’s dedication is so that it settles the issue: So that they don’t think there’s room to divide and conquer.
Dennis: You know I hate to keep beating this point here but those children need to hear that, they need to see that, they need to know that, and then what they are going to do after they’ve heard that: They’re going test that. They’re going to test their dad to see if he really means it, and then he has to demonstrate it through his actions.
What’s another one of the things dads need to do?
Ron: He needs to trust his wife’s heart. You know something that will never happen in a two biological parent home: You may have a mom, and a dad who disagree about parenting, but you won’t have Dennis coming to his wife and saying, “Look honey I think grounding the kids for six months is too long – we need to shorten that down a little bit, and the reason you grounded our kids for six months is because you don’t love them.” That just doesn’t happen in your household does it?
You don’t doubt her heart. You may not agree with her parenting move or strategy, but you don’t doubt her heart. But, in stepfamilies, there’s a very dangerous line that oftentimes a dad can cross with his wife, and he calls into question not only something she did from a parenting strategy, but why she did it. If he looks at her, and he says, “You don’t love my kids. That’s why you did such and such.” Now, all of a sudden she’s being pushed to the outside, and even in terms of her intentions her desires to be a helpful, loving parent figure in the life of these kids – that’s a very dangerous place to go.
Laura: A stepmom will often phrase that thinking in this way: She will say, “My husband comes to me, and says you’re the adult in this. They’re children you’re the adult, or you’re over reacting.” Or, you’re being too dramatic when she is trying to set some boundaries or do something healthy for the children. When he doesn’t trust her heart very often the dad will come out with statements like that saying she’s being overly dramatic.
Now, the stepmom has to take a step back, and say, “Am I being overly dramatic, am I being a drama queen, am I being unrealistic?” It doesn’t mean everything she’s doing is right but the way that the dad will often phrase that is not I don’t trust your heart, but it comes out in those other sentences.
Dennis: I can see how a stepmom would feel that way or begin to express those things because she can get wounded, and get hurt deeply, and then everything becomes an emotional issue at that point with the kids.
Laura: Absolutely!
Ron: That’s right, and she at that point is being accused of being wicked which she knows she’s not. She has the best intentions for these children. That’s why stepparents do what they do. In our experience stepparents are fabulous people. They love their stepchildren, and they are working for their best interests. So, you just have to try to trust their heart.
A third principle that we want biological dad’s to remember is you need to take the primary parenting role with your kids. You have not married a new mother that you can just hand your kids off to when you marry a woman, and she becomes a stepmother to your children. You have to be the primary dad. You were primary during the single parent years, and after the wedding you’re still kind of primary in terms of the affection, in terms of authority, in terms of discipline, and providing direction for the home.
Bob: Does that mean that the mom is the primary parent for her biological children?
Ron: If she has biological children. Yes she is the primary parent for her children. She’s the primary go to especially if you’re going to have a bit of a battle on your hands, and you have to say no, or you’re going to disappoint the children. We want biological parents primarily dealing with their kids. The stepparent is gradually moving their role into taking roles with leadership, and making decisions on discipline.
Bob: You gradually move into those roles as you see that you have the clout – is that how you do that?
Laura: Well, part of it for stepfamilies is as much as the child will let you in. A point that we haven’t really hit on is I can only have as much of a relationship with my stepchildren as they will allow me to. You know, my husband can be the most wonderful dad, and be the most disciplined and do a great job with his kids, and do all the things right standing beside me as his wife as his bride but if the children continue to refuse to let me into their heart then as a stepmom that’s really as far as I can go.
So, if they’re going to stay a porcupine towards me as the stepmother I have to just accept that, and realize my relationship with my stepchildren goes as far as they will allow.
Now, when they’re younger it may be to a certain degree that as they move into a little bit older they may let me in a little bit more – they may not. There’s no guarantee that at some point when they hit adulthood that magically they’re going to start letting me into their life. So, really the stepchildren dictate how much of a relationship I’m going to be able to have.
Dennis: Is there a point where a stepmom has to so throttle back that she basically gives up on having an in-depth relationship with a stepchild?
Laura: I think that she does. I think there are definitely stepmoms that have to take a step back, and say “My role is to be as godly of an example in front of them as I can, is to pray for them, and is to be a good wife to their father and that’s it. I may never get more than that.”
Ron: I would add that some life experiences may change the heart of the child, and open them to the stepmother. Maybe when they have their own children that all of a sudden they’re humbled a little bit, and they realize how great their stepmother really is, and now she has an opportunity. So, she may back off of trying. She doesn’t ever entirely give up but she has to temper that based upon the openness of the child.
Bob: We haven’t talked a whole lot about the biological mom in this equation – there are all kinds of different scenarios here. She may have passed away, she may live near by or out of state, there may be visitation, there may be limited kinds of interactions. What should a stepmom’s role be when it comes to a biological mom? You were one. How did you handle it?
Laura: Well, one of the things that I love about our book is that we really go into the different kinds of biological moms, because how you relate as a stepmom to the biological mom if she is still alive but, even the memory of the biological mom if she’s gone really depends on how the biological mom responds to you. How she responds to your husband, how she responds to your family so we give different scenarios of the different types of biological mom’s and how to cope with, and get along with. The goal should always be to try to get along with the biological mom as well as you possibly can.
Bob: This is where Romans 12:18 comes in – If possible as far as it depends on you be at peace with all men – right?
Laura: That’s right, and that may mean taking the higher road, that may mean overlooking some cruel or nasty comments sometimes. That doesn’t mean you allow that person – the biological mother to treat you like dirt. It doesn’t mean you’re supposed to just roll over, and play dead but it may mean that for the sake of the children you do what is best for them, and brings the most peace into their life.
For example, I had a stepmom just recently say to me “You know every time I go to my step son’s baseball game the biological mom makes it very obvious that she does not want me there, that she doesn’t think I belong there. She storms around the field you know, and it makes it very uncomfortable for my stepsons.”
My advice to her was don’t go to the games even if your husband wants you to. She said, “My husband wants me there.” I said, “You know what you and he need to sit down, and talk about this because it’s causing tension for the child.” Not that you’re doing this for the biological mother, you’re doing it because you can tell this is causing stress for the child.
Dennis: Would you ask the child—let’s say it’s a 15, 16-year-old boy or girl, and it’s their game you’re going to – would you ask them what their opinion was at that point?
Laura: I would. I would probably have the dad, and I together – not just the stepmom but knowing that kids in divorce often do not tell you how they really feel. You have to always remember that – they often won’t tell you exactly what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling. But if possible to sit down with Joshua, and say “You know Josh it appears that your mom is really uncomfortable when I’m at your baseball games – would it be easier on you if I didn’t attend as your stepmother?”
Dennis: So, you don’t use it to trash – you don’t trash the biological Mom?
Laura: Never! Never, never, never, never!
Ron: It will always come back on the stepmother, and work against her.
Laura: That’s right! You always want to address the situation – not the woman – not the person.
Bob: You were pretty adamant – never, never, never, never – what if a biological mom is doing stuff that you just feel like you have to address with your stepson, or stepdaughter where you can’t affirm or approve the behavior? You have to speak up, and say, “You know that’s just not right.”
Laura: You absolutely do – you have to go to them and say, “You know what Joshua I’m really sorry that you’re experiencing that – that you’re having that kind of turmoil in your home. That must make it very confusing to be at your mom’s house, and experiencing one thing, and then when you come in this house you’re doing something completely different. Let’s talk about how that makes you feel”.
You don’t ever go to – you know your mother’s a bad mother because she’s allowing you to watch R rated movies or whatever it is that you don’t approve of. You don’t attack the parent – you attack the behavior, and the choices!
Dennis: You were quick to say that it works against the stepmom when she says anything negative about the biological mom. What’s behind all that?
Ron: Even if the kids agree with her - even if they realize their mom is being disrespectful, and out of line it emboldens their loyalty. What that means is mom’s going to be right, and if you try to step into her role - her place if you tried to criticize her I’m going to take up for her and defend her – it’s just what loyalty leads me to do. So, that will put me against you.
Bob: So, even if mom is an alcoholic and she is showing up drunk at school functions, and embarrassing the child if the stepmom comes along, and starts to talk about - you know it’s just not right for your mom to be drinking the way she is - you’re saying the biological son or daughter is going to say, “Don’t talk about my mom like that.”
Ron: More often than not - you know there’s always exceptions to that rule but more often than not. What we would want the stepmom to do was have a spirit of grace about her. I think Laura’s absolutely right – you have to speak to truth with children, and realize that sometimes that puts them in the middle. That puts them in a loyalty bind where they’re trying to decide whose truth they’re going to buy into.
But, I think we don’t avoid truth but we present it with a spirit of grace. So, that stepmother for example in that situation could say, “I’m sure it troubles you – I can see on your face it troubles you when your Mom comes, and we want better things for your mother, and I pray for her all the time.”
You know that sort of softness – that sort of grace presentation allows you then to have some influence, and to minister. I’ll use that word minister to the heart of that child that’s struggling over their mother’s alcoholism.
Dennis: You know I like what you’re talking about here because it’s not a holier than thou judgmental attitude it’s…
Ron: Humility!
Dennis: It is, and it’s giving a blessing instead of an insult. I Peter 3 verse 8 and 9 really talk about being harmonious, sympathetic, kind, and it says, “Not evil for evil.” “Not insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.” It says, to your point Ron “For you were called for this very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” In other words, if you give a blessing there is a greater likelihood that you’ll be blessed in return.
Well, I know this you guys have blessed our audience, and you’ve helped a bunch of step mothers know how to carry out their assignment, and I think helped them relax a bit in that, and know how to relate. I just appreciate your book, appreciate you guys, and hope you’ll come back, and join us again sometime.
Ron: Thank you!
Laura: Thank you so much!
Bob: Yes, we’ve already heard from a lot of folks this week who have contacted us to get a copy of the book: The Smart Stepmom or to get Ron’s book The Smart Step Family. We’ve heard from some folks who are getting the whole curriculum: The DVD curriculum on The Smart Step Family. We have all of these in ourFamilyLife Today Resource Center, and you can go on line at FamilyLife Today to get more information about each of these resources.
What I’ve been encouraged by is the folks who are calling, and saying, “I want to get these resources to pass them on to friends in our church or to a family member or someone I know who’s struggling in a step family situation or struggling as a stepmom.” That’s a great way to reach out, and to minister to somebody, and to express care and kindness, and compassion for someone, and maybe open up a spiritual dialog with that person as well.
Again there’s information about all of these resources on our website FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order directly from us if you’d like, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, and someone on our team can answer any questions you have about these resources, and can make arrangements to have the resources you need sent to you. Again the toll-free number is 1-800-358-6329. That’s 1-800 F as in “family” L as in “life” and then the word TODAY or again our web site is FamilyLifeToday.com
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If you make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com type the word “GRATITUDE” in the key code box on your donation form, and that way we’ll know to send you this devotional guide or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY. 1-800-358-6329. Make your donation over the phone, and just ask for the devotional on gratitude. Once again let me say thanks for your partnership with us – we do appreciate your support of this ministry.
We hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and we hope you can join us back on Monday when our friend Nancy Leigh DeMoss is going to be here. We’re going to talk about gratitude. We’re going to talk about how we choose to be grateful. So, I hope you can join us for that.
I want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I’m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend; we will see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
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