Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, October 2nd. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey and I am Bob Lepine. We are going to talk today about some of the challenges that face adoptive parents and about the joys that come with adopting.
And welcome to FamilyLife Today! Thanks for joining us! What we are going to talk about today is kind of different than what you may think we are going to talk about today. We are going to talk about the gospel, right?
Dennis: We are going to be talking about being adopted for life.
Bob: And that is at the heart of the gospel, isn’t it?
Dennis: It is. In fact back last Christmas I spoke to a group of about 960 college students on the east coast and I challenged them to address the physical orphans and the spiritual orphans of the world. Six hundred of them said they would give one year of their lives to go address the needs of the spiritual and physical orphans. Now that is what James 1:27 is talking about. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this. To visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
There is not a lack of clarity in that verse. It’s basically saying adoption and visiting orphans and widows is close to the heart of God. It is a part of what true Christianity and truly walking with Christ really represents. We have with us the author of the book, Adopted for Life Dr. Russell Moore. He joins us again. Russell welcome back.
Dr. Moore: Good to be with you Dennis and Bob!
Dennis: Russell is the Dean of the School of Theology of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. Am I pronouncing Louisville correctly?
Dr. Moore: That’s it.
Dennis: It’s got one syllable.
(laughter)
You have two biological children and you have two adopted children. In fact we’ve been talking about how God led you to adopt before we go back to that story how did you end up having the two biological children? What’s the story behind that?
Dr. Moore: We just suddenly wound up pregnant and we assumed it would be a miscarriage again and so we were prepared for that and we kept waiting and waiting for the miscarriage and it never happened and his name is Samuel.
Dennis: How many miscarriages had you had?
Dr. Moore: We had had three.
Bob: This was years after you had brought your boys home from Russia, right?
Dr. Moore: Yes, it was a couple of years later.
Bob: So when Maria said to you I think I’m pregnant. Did you prepare for what had been the experience of the past?
Dr. Moore: By that point she said I’m pregnant and so we should be experiencing the miscarriage anytime. We need to pray. We did. We were fully expecting a miscarriage and to go through the trauma and grief of that again.
Bob: When you get to month five and month six and month seven what are you thinking?
Dr. Moore: Suddenly we begin to think you know we may actually have another baby? The Lord was being gracious to us.
Bob: And then the same thing happened a year later?
Dr. Moore: The same thing happened a year later with Jonah.
Bob: So your family now is two seven year olds and a three and a half year old and a two year old?
Dr. Moore: That’s right.
Dennis: One of the fun things about that Bob, is when he is asked how old they are or are they twins.
Dr. Moore: I’ll get asked that a lot and I’ll just say no they are not twins. The oldest two are three weeks apart and then I’ll just leave because you don’t need to explain everything to everybody in the grocery store. But I’ll leave with these puzzled expressions on people’s faces. Now how did that work?
Dennis: That is exactly right. As you’ve gone about the process of grafting these boys in to your family you have undoubtedly faced some challenges. What would you say is the number one challenge you and Maria have faced?
Dr. Moore: The number one challenge we faced very early on was making sure that as soon as the children came into our household they were really our children which meant discipline as well as affection. So we were hugging the children and telling them we loved them.
We also were disciplining the children. We would establish parameters and rules in the household. My dad didn’t want that to happen. My dad was saying oh they have been through so much. They were in an orphanage just let them do what they want. If they want to take the coasters and bang the table in the living room just let them do it. I had to say no, dad. They are our kids now and we want to show them that they are a part of this family and that means we have rules at our household and we have an order. They are a welcome part of our household but they are not the new owners of the new household.
Dennis: So you are saying you treat them the same as your biological children.
Dr. Moore: Exactly the same.
Bob: You did bring them in with a year’s worth of experience and a year’s worth of life that your biologically born children did not have.
Dr. Moore: That’s right.
Bob: Did you have to take into account in some way these kids have been through you described it as a hellish existence for the first year of their lives.
Dr. Moore: Yes and that meant for one thing learning to eat was a trauma. Frankly teaching one of my sons to eat solid food was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. That I think I will ever do because he wasn’t accustomed to solid food. It made sense to me of the milk to meat passages in the book of Hebrews in a way I had never understood before because he would gag when he would try to eat solid food. I had to teach him to trust me that I was going to feed him and that I would be right there with him.
Dennis: In the orphanage what were they fed?
Dr. Moore: Milk with a little bit of rice in it for the most part.
Dennis: With a spoon or in a bottle?
Dr. Moore: In a bottle and then they would have some really pureed stuff sometimes but they weren’t given solid food and they are a year old.
Dennis: So he had no practice eating solid food.
Dr. Moore: No practice. Ice cream was the trauma of the year because putting something that cold into his mouth he just went into fits.
Dennis: That was one of the treats as we had children. I would always sneak around when Barbara wasn’t watching and I’d take one of the babies and give them a little tiny teaspoon. I know you weren’t supposed to do this but the first bite was trauma but after it hit the taste buds it was like give me some more of that daddy. We are buddies forever.
(laughter)
Dennis: That didn’t work with them.
Dr. Moore: They took time. They also would hide food for a while. When they stopped hiding the food we realized they knew there would be another meal.
Dennis: I want to ask you about that. They were only a year old when you got them and yet they had understood the need for basic survival instincts to hide food?
Dr. Moore: Yes. They had not learned to trust somebody. They had not learned to have the regularity that there is going to be another meal. You can trust that it is going to take place. They had to learn who these people were who now were their mom and dad.
Bob: Russell, the first year of any child’s life is formative.
Dr. Moore: That’s right.
Bob: It is a huge part of that child’s development. Did that mean that as your boys came into your home there were lots of developmental hurdles that had to be dealt with and addressed as parents?
Dr. Moore: Yes. We had developmental issues but the great thing for us is we didn’t know what they were because these were the first children we had. So everything seemed normal to us. So I think that prepared us to be able to roll with the punches in a way that now having known what a nine month old and 12 month old and 14 month old is like we probably would be thinking what is going on? We didn’t know any better. We were blissfully ignorant and that actually helped us.
Bob: Do you expect there will be a day when either of your boys will say I’d like to know about my biological father or mother.
Dr. Moore: You know, Bob, the worst moment I’ve had in my life was being in the orphanage about to go in to see the children for the first time and they said to us we have very limited information about their biological mothers but we do have one passport photo of one of their biological mothers. You can look at it but you cannot take it and you cannot make a copy and it will be destroyed.
I looked at that face of this 22 year old girl and that’s when I think I became a father because I knew there was going to come a day when he is going to ask me about her and I have to remember what she looks like. If I don’t remember no one will be able to tell him about that. It’s a great burden on me even now because sometimes I’ll wake up in the night wondering do I remember her face to be able to talk to him about that when the day comes about.
It will be very difficult for our boys to be able to find their biological parents simply because of the way the Russian system works. But I do plan to take them back to the orphanage. When they are 12 we are going to go to Russia and I’m going to take them to the orphanage and show them where they lived the first year of their life. I’m going to show them their original home town and what they’ve come from.
Dennis: Why are you doing that?
Dr. Moore: I want them to know that I’m not ashamed of that and I’m not ashamed of them. I also think it’s important to have an understanding of where they came out of before they were adopted. Scripture speaks to us a lot about this is where you came out of and this is where you used to be. I want them to see that and know that because I want them to be able when they are old enough to tie that when they are old enough to believe in Christ to know the kind of shift that’s taken place spiritually in the same way that it has taken place for them in terms of their family.
Dennis: You want to show them what they were redeemed from?
Dr. Moore: Yes, I do
Dennis: Now you know what they are going to see.
Dr. Moore: Yes.
Dennis: If it hadn’t been cleaned up it is going to be smelly and it’s probably going to have water the color of coffee.
Dr. Moore: Yes.
Dennis: It’s going to have cribs full of babies that are rocking themselves because no one will pay attention to them.
Dr. Moore: Yes, and that is going to be a hard day. I’m going to have to be a dad and explain to them why hard things and difficult things happen. That’s the worst thing. We are already experiencing some of that.
One of my sons asked me one day “Was I ever in momma’s stomach?” when they see her pregnant with a baby. I’ll say, “No, you weren’t. There wasn’t room in momma’s stomach at that time for whatever reason and God put you in Russia. You were in an orphanage and God showed us where you were so that we could go and get you and bring you home.”
They’ve not asked many more questions beyond that but one day one of them said to me, “so I was in some other lady’s stomach.” I said, “Yes. You were.” And he said, “Why?” That was a horrible moment for me because I don’t know why and it’s very difficult to explain that to a six year old child. It will be very difficult to explain that to a 36 year old child.
Bob: You’ve heard people talk about the challenges that adoptive children face and I know that I’m using that term in a way that you counsel me against in your book
Dr. Moore: Sure.
Bob: Children who have been adopted often face this dual identity crisis in their adolescent years. Every adolescent is saying who am I? A child who has been through an adoption is saying who am I really? How are you going to address that with your kids?
Dr. Moore: I’m going to address that because they are living in a culture in which it is assumed that whoever you are genetically is who you are and that is not what the Scripture teaches us. I would say you are part of this family. You are the person God has created you to be and you are not biologically and genetically predetermined to be anything else.
Dennis: Your book goes back and forth between being an adoptive parent and creating a culture of adoption in a church.
Dr. Moore: Yes.
Dennis: I want you to speak to a couple of issues that you write about. The first is the statement in your book, “adoption is not just about couples who want children or who want more children. Adoption is about an entire culture within our churches that sees adoption as a part of our Great Commission mandate and as a sign of the gospel itself.”
Dr. Moore: Yes.
Dennis: Explain what you mean by that.
Dr. Moore: I mean that when you bring a child into a family and you say this is now part of our family you are picturing and showing to the outside world—we believe this is what a family can be and we believe this is what the gospel is. So a church that cares for orphans is a church that is picturing the gospel. It is showing the gospel and then able to explain to the outside world this is why this works.
One of the things that I deal with all the time are couples who are adopting and they are adopting outside of their race. They had family members who are all upset. They can’t believe you are adopting outside of your race.
I stand back and say I’m interracially adopted. I’m brought into a Hebrew family of the Lord Jesus and He is not ashamed to call us brothers the book of Hebrews says. This is a picture of the gospel taking place when you have pastors standing up and saying we believe that there are unevangelized children in orphanages and in North America and around the world who need to hear the gospel. They need to hear it not just one time in a gospel tract or in gospel presentation but every day of their lives from Christian families. That is a Great Commission issue.
Dennis: It really is and I want to say thanks to our listeners who support this broadcast financially because when you do that you make possible the ministry we have here called Hope for Orphans.
Hope for Orphans is challenging lay men and women to establish an orphan culture in the local church. In fact, our dream is to have 10,000 local churches in North America that have orphan care/foster care/adoption ministries in the church. I believe this is a cutting edge ministry. In fact before the broadcast is over I want to talk about how listeners can call in and get a packet of information for how they can start an orphan care ministry in their local church and establish that kind of culture.
Now, I also want to make a comment from your book. You say an adoption culture in our churches advances the cause of life even beyond the individual lives of the children adopted. Imagine if Christian churches were known as the places where unwanted babies become beloved children.
Dr. Moore: That sends a signal not just to those babies it also sends a signal to all of those unwanted people who are wondering could anybody love me. I’m a former prostitute or I’m a man who paid for an abortion or I’m an ex con. Could anybody ever love me? A congregation that says yes, we will show you how we love our own because we love life and we believe that God gives second chances. We do that through adoption. We do that through the preaching of the gospel.
Bob: You really see this as a part of the Christian mission. You talk about it being a part of the Great Commission.
Dr. Moore: Yes, that’s what James says when he says what pure religion looks like which is coming from the Old Testament. There it says repeatedly how important it is to care for orphans and those who are widows. That’s part of what the church is about. When that is not taking place in a church something is going awry and something is atrophied and wrong. That is why we need to prophetically call the church to pay attention to orphans.
Bob: I have a friend who he and his wife adopted a couple of children who were 8 or 9 years old when they were adopted from Russia and as they went through their teen years and went into their college years they started making choices that were very painful to mom and dad.
Dr. Moore: Yes.
Bob: They were moving away from the foundation that mom and dad had tried to pour into their lives. Have you imagined that that could be the case with your boys?
Dr. Moore: That could be the case with any of my boys whether they were adopted or biologically birthed. I know there are many parents who know the pain of a prodigal. What I would encourage any parent to do is not to then turn around and distance themselves by labeling that’s our adopted child.
Sometimes you have parents who are embarrassed by the prodigality of their children so they want to try and find reasons why and they think I’m not to blame for that rather than imaging the Father who loves, prays and says I’m your dad no matter what. I’m going to be here at the end of the day when you get out of that hog pen and come home.
Dennis: I think there could be another slant to that too. I think some parents may watch a child become a prodigal who was adopted and they are thinking I chose him or I chose her. Despite the love that was displayed there they still have chosen to go in another direction. I think your challenge is a good one to parents who do adopt in terms of labeling their children.
Thanks for you and your book and for stepping forward and tying this to the profound theology that is found in Scripture around the theme of adoption. I want to turn to our listening audience and challenge you with this. Would you think about starting an orphan care/foster care and adoption care in your local church? All across the country we are seeing a new breed of churches arise who are willing to speak up with the love and compassion of Christ and step into these children’s lives who do need to see the gospel preached at an orphanage. They also need to hear it preached and see it lived out in the life of a family.
Bob: You aren’t talking to the pastors at this point. You are talking to a couple who is going to church and saying start a ministry in your church.
Dennis: Yes. In fact I don’t think this is going to happen because of pastors. I think pastors have already got more than they can say grace over. It has to be championed by a lay couple. It doesn’t mean the pastor shouldn’t be for it and set it up but the great passion that exists for orphans is in the pews.
Dr. Moore: That’s right.
Dennis: I believe they are out there by the tens of thousands leaders who can help birth these ministries. Over the next decade we could begin to see the needs addressed in a number of ways of the 130+ million orphans that are in the world.
Dr. Moore: You know who we need involved in that is not just the young couples who will be adopting we also need middle aged adults and senior adults who have money that God has blessed them with so they are able to equip people to adopt and rescue the orphans. This isn’t just young couples building their families issue.
Bob: You are training the next generation of church leaders at Southern Seminary at Louisville. Do you think it is possible that the church might step in and make this the priority that Dennis is talking about?
Dr. Moore: I think that there is no question that that is happening right now. Whenever you have a church that has two or three families who are adopting rarely does it stay at two or three families because people see the glory of this and it’s fueled and then it grows. I think we are on the cusp of a wave of orphan care.
Dennis: It is coming from the place it needs to come from—the church.
Dr. Moore: That’s exactly right.
Bob: If folks want to step in and do what we have been challenging them to do we have resources available. Go to our web site FamilyLife Today.com. There is information there about the If You Were Mine DVD workshop that you can host in your church. Get the parents together from your church or from your community and start exploring what is involved in adoption.
Get a copy of Russell’s book Adopted for Life an outstanding book for all of us to understand what it means for us to be adopted by God and then the reality of adoption in the Christian family and what that looks like as well.
There is also information there about an event that is coming up on Sunday, November 8th, 2009. It is going to be taking place in Nashville, TN, but it can also happen in churches all around the country. November is National Adoption Month and on Sunday, November 8th, we are going to be hosting together with our friends from Focus on the Family and from Show Hope, an event that will feature a message from Dennis Rainey, a message from Jim Daley - the president of Focus on the Family, and a great concert from Steven Curtis Chapman. The event is going to be open to churches all across the country.
There is more information about how you can connect with the event. You go to our web site FamilyLifeToday.com, click on the “Cry of the Orphan” link and that will get you more information about how you or your church can be a part of this national event, Sunday, November 8th, 2009, as a part of National Adoption Month.
As we wrap things up this week I just want to make sure that those of you who are new listeners of FamilyLife Today know that we are listener supported. It’s folks like you who tune in and listen and who also make the program possible. Your financial support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today is what covers the cost of production and syndication for this program.
You know whether you are parents of adopted children or parents of biological children, it is a privilege to be a parent. It is also a great responsibility to be a parent. Not long ago, Dennis and I sat down with Dr. Tim Kimmel, a friend of ours who has written a book called Grace Based Parenting. Tim takes a look at how we can reflect the glory of God and the grace of God in our assignment as moms and dads. And this month if you are able to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with a donation of any amount, we would like to send you the two CD’s that feature the conversation we had with Tim Kimmel. It is our gift to you as you help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.
Again, with the gift of any amount this month; and if you are making you donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com and you would like to receive the CD’s, type the word “PARENT” in to the key code box that you see on the donation form.
Or you can toll free 1-800-FL-TODAY make a donation by phone and just ask for the CD’s on parenting. That’s 1-800-358-6329. We are happy to send them out to you. I want to say a ‘Thank You’ to those of you who can help support this ministry. We are listener supported and your donations help make this daily program possible. We appreciate your partnership with us.
We hope you have a great weekend. We hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend and we hope you can join us back on Monday. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.
On behalf of our host Dennis Rainey, I am Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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