December 2005

My husband was gone … after 28 years of marriage. I always thought that I would be married and live happily ever after. Now I found myself alone, confused, hurt, and angry. What had gone wrong with our relationship? Was there any hope for our future?

It all started when Glenn and I met before my junior year of college. Glenn was handsome, interesting, and fun, and we hit it off immediately. I truly felt that we were destined to be together and that our relationship was part of God's plan.

The two of us had similar backgrounds. Glenn and I were both middle children in families where our parents had been divorced when we were young. Both of our fathers were alcoholics, and as often happens, they were physically abusive to their wives and children, and absent the rest of the time. Both of our mothers remarried, and Glenn's stepfather was also abusive mentally and emotionally. At the time, we assumed our childhoods were typical and knew nothing of the words dysfunctional or co-dependent.

Living the Lie

We have always been very close to our families and siblings, and we always knew that we wanted children in our future. Both Glenn and I wanted to be involved parents and give our children many of the advantages that we felt we had missed out on as children. I postponed my career as a teacher and put everything into motherhood. Glenn expanded his business to provide for me and our three sons.

According to many of our friends and family members, we were the "ideal" family. When we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, one of my friends said that we were the only couple she knew that had ever made it that far. Most of our siblings had been divorced one or more times. Younger couples often came to us for advice on marriage and family.

Most people knew that we had been involved in counseling at different times in our marriage. What they did not know was how bad things would often get behind closed doors. We had become so good at pretending for the world outside that we had even tried to hide the truth from ourselves!

While we were doing many of the right things for our family and had a lot of great times, other things were definitely getting out of hand. Glenn had said from the start that he had a temper, but that did little to describe the rage and intensity he displayed when he would get upset and "lose it." Afterward, he would always apologize, and we would try to go on with our lives.

We got involved in parenting classes and sought counseling on numerous occasions throughout our marriage. We started reading self-help books. It would all help for a while, but we never made permanent changes in behavior. I was discouraged and felt very alone.

I didn't want to tell anyone what was really happening, because it was easier living the lie. I didn't want people to think badly of Glenn for his actions or of me for staying in the situation. I always thought that if Glenn knew I was here to stay, he would not be so afraid of abandonment and his rage would subside. Instead, my staying made it acceptable.

I felt myself withdrawing piece by piece. I started building the walls around the boys and me. I wanted to protect myself and the boys from the hurt and the pain. But they did suffer physically and emotionally.

I felt like I was always walking on eggshells and never knew which Glenn I would be encountering—the loving, gentle man who would literally give the shirt off his back to help someone in need, or the angry, bitter man who could find any excuse to start a fight. I swore that I would never leave my children in an abusive situation, but here I was doing just that.

Hoping for a Miracle

On the day I walked out the door, I left a note on the table for Glenn stating that I had to leave. To continue to stay meant that I was condoning what was happening, and I could no longer be a part of it. I hoped that Glenn would seek help to understand why he was so angry and that some day he would find love again. I did not know what the future would hold for the two of us, but it looked pretty bleak.

We sold our home of 27 years and each bought our own places. Daniel and Nathan (15 and 19) moved in with me. During that first year apart, we each sought counseling, took numerous classes individually, and read volumes of books. Neither Glenn nor I ever dated anyone else during this period of time. I kept hoping for a miracle, but deep down I wondered if I was just kidding myself.

After about a year, we started taking a few classes together, went to family counseling with a Christian therapist, and we began to attend church services together again. One of our instructors at church told us about FamilyLife and the Weekend to Remember conference in the spring of 2003. We had heard from other couples in our classes that this weekend could transform relationships.

At this point it had been a year and a half since our separation. We believed that this weekend could really be our last resort in restoring our marriage, so we signed up.

Remembering That Initial Attraction

The first day we were cautious. We did not know what to expect. We heard the conference speakers say things like, "Your spouse is not your enemy" … "You are on the same side" … and, "Your spouse is a gift from God."

Growing up with four sisters and my mother, I had a one-sided point of view. I really thought it was just Glenn who thought the way he did, not men in general. Many of our fights were battles of the sexes and resorted to, "Why can't you see things my way?" We laughed as we came to realize that other men and women had these same ideas and that this was normal!

The conference also encouraged us to look back to what attracted us to each other. We remembered our first date, how we felt when we touched, our wedding day, our honeymoon on the coast, the day when our first son, Jeremiah, was born … when we cried and prayed that he would survive after the emergency cesarean and nine days in the neo-natal unit. We thought about Nathan and Daniel being born at home, with Glenn so caring and attentive to my needs, and the time when my stepfather had lung cancer and all the time Glenn spent with him before he died.

As one of the couples projects during the weekend, we were encouraged to write love letters to each other. We went to the restaurant for lunch and read our letters to each other. I will never forget the powerful emotions that emerged from reading aloud the words that spoke with such significance about our past, our present, and our future.

We were totally oblivious to the other people in the restaurant as we read, and cried, and held each other that day. We knew at that moment that our love for each other had survived all the hurt and pain of the past. There was once again hope that we could rebuild this relationship. This was and still is God's plan for our lives.

That weekend we made the commitment to each other and to God, to really work on keeping our marriage and our family together. We also joined a follow-up group at our church after the conference.

A New Beginning

Although we did not feel ready to move back in together, we spent almost every day together. It was hard to leave at the end of the day, but we did not want to jump back in too soon. Neither of us could bear the thought of going through another separation. Sometimes it was helpful to have a "safe" place to go when we felt vulnerable. We did take a few vacations together, went to our therapist regularly, and continued going to church together each week.

When the Weekend to Remember in 2004 came to town, we were eager to sign up. It was refreshing to hear the information the second time around and to recommit to the ideas that seemed strange the year before.

In March of this year, we finally took that giant step forward. We bought a house together and reunited after almost four years of separation. It is a new beginning.

We now know that we are not each other's enemy, that with God all things are possible, and that we really do want the same things and are willing to do what it takes to make this marriage work. We have each made major changes, and we now have hope for the future.

Discover God's plan for your marriage at the Weekend to Remember conference.