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Essentials

Torn AsunderTorn Asunder By Dave Carder This inspirational book, filled with hope, provides an overall recovery process from sexual or non-sexual affairs.

Read

Recovering Intimacy After an Affair by Dave Carder It is possible to become one again. More Cheating spouse articles

Listen

The Healing Balm of Confession Guests include: Ron and Nancy AndersonOn today's broadcast, Nancy Anderson, author of Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, tells Dennis Rainey how God began to heal her marriage after she confessed her infidelity to God, her parents, and her spouse. Joining her on the program is her husband of 27 years, Ron. More Cheating spouse broadcasts
Eight Ways to Protect Your Marriage

Judy Starr

Editor's Note: During the "FamilyLife Today" broadcasts, "Enticement of the Forbidden," guest Judy Starr addressed issues surrounding infidelity. During their discussion, hosts Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine promised Judy's list of Eight Ways to Protect Your Marriage. We pray you find this list helpful in building the walls necessary to protect your marriage.

To stand firm in the battle for our marriages, we must be prepared. We can never assume that having a good marriage shelters us from temptation. In this age of "anything goes," the wise woman will purposefully build walls around her marriage ahead of time to help close the door on opportunities for temptation…[L]et's look at eight areas in which we can develop habits that build walls of protection around our marriage.

  1. Protect your marriage through daily times with God. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that your personal, daily time with the Lord builds an enormous wall of protection around your marriage. Time with the Lord each day immediately impacts your relationship with your spouse. When you fail to meet with God, your heart becomes hardened to the Lord and to His truths. And once that snowball of sin begins rolling, your marriage is instantly endangered. But as you cling to Him each day, you will confess sin and continue to grow in Christ's likeness. As you keep God in His rightful place, not only will your marriage experience dramatic differences, but all of your relationships will be affected.
  2. Protecting your marriage by safeguarding your relationships with other men. You should never spend time alone with a man other than your husband. This included sports activities. Many an affair has started with the "harmless" act of a pleasant evening jog together. If your husband can't participate in the activity with you, do it alone, do it in a group (preferably of women), or not at all.
  3. Protect your marriage through boundaries in the workplace. If ever a situation needed solid protective walls firmly entrenched around it to prevent infidelity, the workplace is it. Such protection requires predetermined decisions, all maintained through accountability to your husband and to other women. The practices of establishing an invisible wall and refraining from personal contact and conversations with other men are utterly critical. Without predetermining to follow these safeguards, you will effectively set yourself up to fall.
  4. Protect your marriage through discretion in clothing. Men become easily aroused sexually by the stimulation of sight. Therefore, what we wear is very important. To attract men to you sexually by the clothing you choose is to defraud them because you cannot (or should not!) fulfill the desire you arouse. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 tells us, "For this is the will of God…that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor…and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in this matter."
  5. Protect your marriage by guarding your eyes and ears. As for all of the Christian life, the key to guarding our eyes and ears is for each of us to remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit. We must take care to not engage in anything that draws our thoughts and hearts away from the Lord and from our husbands. By guarding what we see and hear, we keep impurity out and strengthen the walls around our marriage.
  6. Protect your marriage by guarding against the lure of the Internet. Any married woman seeking to fulfill her emotional needs through an Internet relationship must realize that her pursuits will lead only to heartache and enormous disappointment. Genuine godly love—the desire of every heart—can be found only in a committed relationship based on unconditional love. And though an Internet love relationship may be based on fantasy, virtual infidelity causes actual pain. The devastation to the spouse can be just as painful as if the partner had been involved in a sexual affair. The broken trust and the regrets are just as difficult to repair.
  7. Protect your marriage by spending time together. One of the best guards against infidelity comes from having your emotional needs met within your marriage. That means sticking to the plan of spending time alone together each week! Unless we purposefully protect that time, all of life's little "urgent" needs will undermine our marital intimacy like termites that slowly eat away the foundation of a house. What can be more urgent than protecting your marriage?
  8. Protect your marriage through accountability. Accountability to a mature godly woman [is] invaluable…Accountability may be the key issue that makes or breaks our faithfulness to God and to our spouse.

These eight crucial practices will strengthen and fortify the walls around your marriage. God may also show you other safeguards that are equally as important for your life and your particular vulnerabilities.

Adapted by permission from The Enticement of the Forbidden by Judy Starr. Published by LifeConneXions, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, Copyright ©2004 by Judy Starr. All rights reserved.


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Virginia @ 1/19/2009 12:15:09 PM 
Anna,
All of the responsibility isn't being placed on the woman. It's just that this particular list was made by a woman for women. There is a whole book called "Hedges" written by Jerry B. Jenkins that addresses the steps a man can take to protect his marriage.
Anna @ 1/17/2009 12:48:15 PM 
I agree with the concepts but why is all of the respnsibility being placed on the woman? Men are just as responsible for what they do as we are. Why is there no responsibility placed on the man to protect the marriage? Afterall without his help, she may be trying to hold on to something that she really should let go.
Kia @ 1/6/2009 11:08:16 AM 
Great suggestions. My husband and I work on these daily, especially the part on not setting yourself up for failure. This definitely includes being alone with the opposite sex. It also includes any personal contact, phone calls, and conversations. We feel that everything we do when away from each other, should be able to be done in front of our spouse. A big part of this (which I had to learn) was hugging. Whenever possible, I choose to shake hands with other men or give a side-hug. I don't want to lead any other man on in this way, and it's easier to do than I thought.
Priscilla @ 12/31/2008 8:20:29 AM 
I don't understand what the accountability to a mature woman means... do you mean like "confession" or something?
felipe @ 12/30/2008 9:50:37 AM 
In summary: I learned that its better for us to stay connected during the day, to make sure we know where we are if we are not together (and when I call, I always send her many kisses!!! extra points! ;o) We are a team and if you play any sport team, you know you cannot be the best team is you don't know what your teamates are doing. Let him know is not jaelosy, or lack of trust,its b/c you care, its a way of protections for both, and in that way he is taking you in count and he will enjoy it, just need to get use to it, which is very normal, once you get married lots of changes need to take place. All the selfishness of a single needs to go away.
felipe @ 12/30/2008 9:50:19 AM 
I got married about a year ago, and I was exactly the same way. Living alone for 8 years made me very independent. At the beginning I had the same tendency to go to places w/o telling my wife. But we know we are one, and I learned that she worries about me, and she feels more secure if she knows where I am. I never do anything to harm her heart but still, I know that I need to communicate with her where I'm going or what am I going to do after work if I'm not heading home afterwards. In that way she can plan her activities too, and make sure we are together when I get home. (she works part time and I work full time). She calls me or text me during the day and I do the same, I like it very much b/c we feel connected eventhough I'm at work and she is taking care of our home and our little princess.
Anonymous @ 4/29/2008 1:02:45 PM 
I have a question regarding boundaries in marriage. I am soon to be engaged to a wonderful young man. I am 25 and he is 28. We have a problem though...He is a very independent person. This isn't the problem, because I, myself, am independent as well. Here's our problem though: We have talked about getting married, and we have talked about issues regarding marriage and boundaries. He is the type of man who would love to be able to go do things without having to tell anyone where he is going or what he is doing...I am the exact same way - I was like that with my parents growing up...Still to this day, I don't like telling them where I am going and things like that. Anyway, back to the problem - I told my boyfriend that when we get married I would want for him to stay in communication with me throughout the day. By this I mean calling me to let me know if he's going to be home late, calling me and letting me know if he wants to hang out with his friends one night, calling me to sa
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