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Staying Close By Dennis & Barbara RaineyAre you living alone - in the same home as your spouse? Dennis and Barbara provide workable strategies for defeating isolation and keeping your marriage vital and intimate.

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Q&A: Respecting Your Husband for the Little Things

Dennis and Barbara Rainey

What do you do when you've lost respect for your husband?

Barbara: That's a difficult struggle, because Ephesians 5:33 still makes it clear that we are to respect our husbands. My suggestion would be to make a real effort to think of things you can still respect about your husband. There may not be many, but you have to choose to focus on the positive if you want to make your marriage last.

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You need to pull back from the daily routine of life, look at him objectively, and say, "What is good about him? What did I respect in the first place?" Study him again and don't allow yourself to be so blinded by the things that are not good.

Some of these positive things may seem basic at first, but they really are important. The fact that a husband goes to work and provides for the family financially is worthy of respect. Maybe he plays ball with your son or daughter. That's worthy of respect.

You may wish he did more, but if you let him know how much you appreciate what he does do, he will feel encouraged. Say, "I'm glad I'm married to a man who's faithful to provide for his family." Or write him a note expressing your appreciation and admiration.

Dennis: When a man is affirmed in his role as a husband by his wife, he will tend to seek other ways to receive that praise. So he may end up earning your respect even more...and it all started because you praised him for those areas in which he does deserve respect.

One word of caution: Don't falsely flatter your spouse, or insincerely attempt to compliment him. It is better to find two or three things that you honestly admire about him than to lavish praise that is undeserved.

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T @ 5/6/2009 5:47:37 PM

I have thoroughly enjoyed these comments. I am so grateful to God that there are areas in my life understood, and experienced by others. My husband is not as 'terrible' (for want of a better word, as some described here, but the ways I expect him to love me, I don't see much of that coming out. He respects me, and demands that I do it too. I am learning so much, and yes I realise there's no one like God. Bishop T.D.Jakes implied this in his book 'The lady,her lover,and Lord.' We must not seek from our husband what we should get from ourGod.Oh we have been married for a little under nine months.

Mimi @ 5/20/2008 5:14:15 AM

As a consequence of the fall, husbands and wives have power struggles (Gen 3:16). The only way to have peace is do what is not in our nature anymore due to sin. Wives are called to submit and husbands are called to love. A couple of months ago, I consciously began trying to respect my husband with every look, attitude, word and action and confessing in prayer when I failed and asking for grace. Rather than justifying my disrespectful behavior, I now apologize. This has done more to enable my husband to become loving than all of the pouting, complaining, manipulating, and crying I did over the years. Respect is the fuel our husbands need to love us. I don't like paying the seller on eBay first, but that is the only way my item gets shipped. So it is with marriage; if respect is not paid, you'll not receive love. I know in many cases, the husbands are in such deficit that it will take a lot of love before he can give any love. Don't give up! Pray, trust and find sisters who will encourag

ryan @ 5/12/2008 9:59:56 PM

I see a lot of bitter women how about praying for your husbands"? wait and see if God works on your behalf. shut out all ungodly council take matters to God

Anonymous @ 5/8/2008 7:32:11 AM

Why have they put so much focus on the women to fix the marrages? When we go to heaven it will be the husband who is judged on how he treated his wife and children. Has the church gone liberal? Why is the church letting the men walk away from their responsibility, putting the pressure on the women. If women are already doing what the Word says and no one is teaching the men what else is there to do?

Women go for help and all they are told is to keep respecting your husband and he will change. And if he is not changing then it must be your fault, you are not doing enough. Why not speak the truth, which is that a man or woman will not change until they submit themselves to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Anonymous @ 5/8/2008 7:31:53 AM

There are a lot of women who are suffering because their (saved) husbands are mean, cruel, abusive physically or mentally, including myself. We hear time and time again from our pastors, radio broadcasters and well meaning friends that we just need to forgive them quickly which is true and to respect them, which is also biblical. Yet I do not hear very often that a husband is to love his wife. That entails much more then just feelings and mushy stuff. It is a husbands responsibility to take care of his wife, protect her, wash her in the word and lead her in a loving Christlike way. Why aren't the preachers teaching about this very often?

Anonymous @ 4/25/2008 9:02:39 PM

I 2 have been walking on eggshells for over 17 yrs. I would say my husband seems to go thru cycles, or morph from Jekyll to Hyde. I never know what miniscule thing will cause him to go withdraw for an indefinite period of time, & when we do exchange words, his are criticial. Right now he's extremely angry w/ me. He really believes I lied about something, & the more I try to tell him I have not lied, the further away he withdraws. It's been almost a week and he's not spoken to me. We have 3 kids, 2 teen boys and 1 daughter....I am really considering leaving my husband for my kids sake. I feel it is unhealthy to demonstrate our poor marriage skills, I do not want them to learn and accept these behavoirs. I do respect my husband, he never wants to talk w/ me to hear any pos. remarks & he's annoyed by the sound of my voice.
I fear he'll not attend the marriage conference at all. I am currently reading "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick. I ask for many prayers..

Anonymous @ 4/21/2008 9:59:59 AM

God's Peace and Grace to you all!! To my sister in Christ who has been married 35 years and is seriously considering leaving her husband: Please read, "Boundaries In Marriage", by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in addition to "Love and Respect" by Dr. Eggerichs. These books are Bible-based tools which equip (disciple) you to be the Christian woman and wife and wife that God truly ordained you to be. May God continue to bless and sanctify all of you. In Jesus' Name. Amen!!

Anonymous @ 4/17/2008 10:34:49 AM

Respecting our husbands is soooo important, yet so difficult to do in our culture. "Respect" has almost become a dirty word in our society today. But I have learned one thing to keep in mind... respect to a man is as important as love is to a woman. And a man does "deserve" respect for being a creation of God the Father, if we can't think of anything else. And for any of you who are struggling with the issue of "why should I bother?" (which I did) and "what does respect even look like?" (I didn't know!) I highly reccomend the book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs. Blessings on you all!

Anonymous @ 4/16/2008 2:04:23 PM

I am so relieved to know I am not the only one who struggles with this. Although my situation is far less serious than some. I will say that my husband is starting to become the godly man that he is supposed to be. But it wasn't long ago when I was the sole provider for the family, financially, spiritually, emotionally....it really took a toll on me, on our children, on our marriage. I didn't think I would get through it. But then God lifted me up on His lap and held me close. I had forgotten how it felt to feel taken care of, and even though my husband wasn't doing ANY of the things he should've been doing, God was. And with a lot of prayer, slowly, he started to turn around. He has a long way to go, but ladies, it is possible. When you feel like you can't take another step, can't breathe, can't think, ..........go to Jesus and let Him hold you. He will take care of you without ever ceasing. I promise.

Anonymous @ 4/12/2008 12:26:36 PM

When I read this, I felt relieved to know that other Christian women have the same problem. I have been married for 35 years to a bully and he is very critical of me and others. I am the peacemaker in our family and have had to bear the brunt of his bitterness. He has indicated to me in so many ways across the years that our marriage was a mistake and now he has taken to insulting me personally. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him. He is moody and is becoming a total recluse. I have tried to be pleasant and encouraging and whenever I am, he makes fun of me. I am seriously considering leaving since all our children are grown. I feel that I need a less hostile environment to refocus and repair my spirit. Then perhaps (if it's not too late)I can work on the restoration of our marriage.

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