Is it appropriate to resolve conflict in front of younger children? Should we let them see us arguing and making up?

Barbara: Many parents set a policy of not arguing in front of their kids. There are some good points about this policy, but I also think it is good for our children to see us disagree and have an argument, as long as we keep those to a minimum and don’t frighten the kids or make them feel insecure. Kids can learn how to resolve conflict by watching us do it.

Dennis: In our marriage, there have been moments where suddenly the kids have realized, “Oh, my goodness—Mom and Dad are having an argument here.” Barbara and I have had to realize that our children are fixed on us like radar units and we are their most secure reference points.

When the children see us in disagreement, we take a “time out” from the argument to reassure them. We say, “Mom and Dad are having a disagreement. This happens in marriage. Marriage is between two people who sometimes differ, and your mom and I differ. However, we are still committed to each other, we love each other, and this is part of a healthy married relationship.”

If your argument is a yelling match, then that’s not part of healthy love; even in your disagreements you should model for your kids Christ’s love. They need to see you working through a conflict, resolving it, and forgiving each other. They need to be reassured by seeing the reconciliation as well as the argument.

Related articles
"Fighting Fair" by Tim and Joy Downs
"How Can I Resolve Conflict Well in My Marriage?" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
"Peace at Home" by Ken Sande
"Let It Go" by Sheila Wray-Gregoire

Related resources
War of Words by Paul David Tripp
Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande and Tom Raabe
The Weight of Your Words by Joe Stowell
The Peacemaker, Student Edition by Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson