I remember the night I learned the difference between love and infatuation.

It was during my junior year of college, and I thought I was in love. For the first few weeks of this relationship, life was sweet and the air smelled of roses—even in the dead of a Missouri winter. And when the romance began to sour, this immature 20-year-old was hurt, angry, and confused.

Someone gave me a tape of a message by Dr. Howard Hendricks, a professor at Dallas Theological Seminary, on "What Is Love?" As Dr. Hendricks described love and infatuation, I felt as if he was describing my life. So much became clear—I realized that for years I had moved from one infatuation to another, and I had no idea what it meant to really love another person. I was focused on physical attraction and finding some sort of magical emotional connection, and didn't understand anything about loving another person with the type of love Christ demonstrated for me.

I was reminded of this experience while looking through transcripts from this week's series of radio interviews on "FamilyLife Today" with Chip Ingram, author of Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. Ingram describes the typical way that couples "fall in love" in our culture, and how television shows and movies feed our modern fantasy of love. Then he points them to the biblical model for relationships. Many couples today, Ingram says, get married on the basis of infatuation rather than love. Naturally they often find themselves totally unprepared for the troubles they experience when the infatuation begins to fade.

On two of the broadcasts he describes 12 "tests" that are designed to help you discern between love and infatuation—to see whether you are really in love. The tests are written for people who are considering marriage, but they also provide a gauge to determine the maturity of your love for your spouse. The entire list of tests is available on FamilyLife.com, but here are a few of them, excerpted by permission from Ingram's book*:

The Test of Time: Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Are you in a rush to label certain feelings "love," or do you have other words to describe feelings? Do you save the word love for something better than feelings? If you find yourself "falling in love" often and early, only to be later disappointed, perhaps remembering this first test of real love will save you future heartache.

The Test of Focus: Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. In your most important relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is your attention focused on meeting the other's needs?

The Test of Security: Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to problems. Security grows and flows out of deep awareness of the other person's character, values, and track record.

The Test of Problem Solving: A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore problems. How good are you and your partner at seeing problems and working on them? Do you find that you gloss over hard issues in your relationship or face them squarely?

The Test of Stability: Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. Real love is stable. There is a commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks.

Reading through this list of tests is a challenge, because it points out areas where we need to work. I guess I'll never stop battling my natural selfishness, for example, and I'll always be tempted to pass over problems and not "face them squarely."

At the same time, I can't help but be encouraged by what God has done in my life since those days of college immaturity. What a blessing to now have a marriage where, in spite of our sinfulness and our weaknesses, we are both honoring Him, and where we are experiencing this type of mature, growing love.

*Taken from Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram. Used by permission of Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright © 2003 by Chip Ingram. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.

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