Program: FamilyLife Today

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, September 18th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Today we take a look inside the heart of a child when his family is beginning to unravel. Stay with us.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us. We're going to talk about something today that ? well, frankly, it's tough to talk about, and it's one of those conversations that if you're in polite company, you probably wouldn't have. You kind of need to get alone and get face-to-face to be able to dig into some of the stuff we're going to dig into today, but because it's not talked about very much, I think there are a lot of folks who just kind of leave it alone and don't know what to do with the subject we want to address.

Dennis: That's right, and I think in this culture of divorce, if there has ever been a time we need to bring subjects out in the open and talk about them, it's today. And we have a father and a son who have experienced the breakup of a family, and I just appreciate Bill Butterworth and his son, Jesse, for joining us on FamilyLife Today and letting us peek into your lives. Jesse, Bill, welcome to our broadcast.

Jesse: Thanks, it's great to be here.

Bill: Thank you.

Dennis: Bill is a communicator, author; he's a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary; lives in ? well, it's a tough assignment. He has to live on Newport Beach, you know, out there in Southern California.

Bob: Did you say 177 steps from the beach?

Bill: Yes, from the ocean, yes.

Dennis: Yeah, yeah, well, somebody's got to do it. Jesse is a singer, songwriter, worship leader, lives with his wife in East Seattle and is sharing a story about growing up in a home that was ? well, busted up by divorce. And you talk about this, Jesse, when you were in the eighth grade, when you leaned over to a buddy, and you told him what?

Jesse: I think my folks are going to divorce. I'm not sure, you know, things are starting to fall apart, and he just kind of said, "Well, I thought your dad was a speaker and an author and talked about family," and I said, "Oh, yeah," and he said, "Well, that's not going to happen." You know, and that was kind of the last time I said anything about it, because I was like, "Well, hm."

Dennis: Now, what were you hearing, and what were you observing that made you think your parents are going to break up?

Jesse: Well, you know, there was never anything specific as far as like a verbiage or anything like that, but it was just the times when my folks would be back behind closed doors, and you knew that there was an intense conversation or an argument happening, and we would turn on some stupid TV show, you know, "Saved by the Bell," or something ...

Dennis: ... to drown out the noise?

Jesse: Exactly, and we'd turn it up, and we'd just kind of laugh at times when we thought, "Oh, that's the laugh track." So "Hahahaha, yeah, that's good. Screech is a funny guy."

Dennis: There were five of you kids ? of course, you, Jesse, Joy, Jeffery, John, and Joseph.

Jesse: That's right.

Dennis: And so you basically tried to deny the yelling and arguments and intensity that was occurring back in the bedroom?

Jesse: Yeah ? deny or cope, and I think that was the only way we were trying to cope at the time was to deny, yeah.

Bob: Bill, let me turn to you at this point, because you were obviously not in the family room with the kids.

Bill: Right.

Bob: What was going on?

Bill: Well, I think, as any person who has been through the trauma of divorce can relate to, you're trying to hard to figure out your own part of this story and your own sanity, that you're really not paying attention to what's going on on the other side of the door.

Dennis: You're not wondering what they're thinking about?

Bill: Not in any real depth, because it's kind of self-preservation at that point. I mean, for me, it was, like, my life is falling apart. I mean, when my divorce occurred, even though I knew all the theory ? you know, I had spent years as a counselor. I knew exactly what was going to happen, so that totally prepared me ? ehhhhhh ? for nothing. I mean, my recollection of, you know, the kids were all ready, pack their lunch, get their breakfast, send them off, and then I would go pull all the drapes, lay on the couch in the fetal position and listen to the phone ring and think, "There's nobody I want to talk to, so I'm just not going to answer it." And it was back before voice mail, it was back in the days of the answering machine where you could screen your calls, you could hear, and I'd hear this person talk, and no one had any idea, and "Hey, how's it going?" It was like all these people would call, and I can remember even, like, reaching halfway to the phone and, "You know what? There's no energy inside of me to pick up that phone and take that call, because I'm going to have to be a liar or else get into something that I don't want to have to get into."

Dennis: Jesse, as the intensity increased and as you heard through the walls, and you listened down the hall to your parents kind of tear into each other, can you take us back there to you as a 13, 14-year-old young man and can you relive for a moment, what were you feeling?

Jesse: Yeah, you know, it's interesting because my dad keeps saying that it's very much like a self-preservation thing. Well, that's, I think, how we felt, too, individually as five kids. We were trying to band together as a unit, but it was very much about, you know, at that point in my mind, it was about the preservation of Jesse Butterworth not of Joy, Jesse, Jeffery, John, Joseph Butterworth and, you know, the family intact or anything like that.

So as we're sitting there and that stuff is happening and, again, we have no idea of any details at this point. I mean, we're not hearing specifics, anything like that. We just know there's tension and that my dad and mom are not getting along at this point, and so just like the Disney Sunday Movie would suggest, "Well, gosh, that's heading down the road to divorce," and so that's kind of where we're making our assumptions.

But as this stuff is happening, yeah, I mean, it's very much like, "Oh, man, what am I going to do? How am I going to survive? You know, my life is already hard enough as it is."

Bob: Yeah, you're 14 years old, everything revolves around you. So that's kind of the way the average 14-year-old is going to think about it.

Jesse: Sure, sure.

Bob: When was the point, Jesse, that you went from, "Gee, there's conflict, I wonder where this is headed," to finding out where this was headed?

Jesse: There was a day where ? my sister is the oldest, and then myself, and then three younger brothers, and so there was a day where we had heard, "Okay, we're having a family meeting." And I just knew, "Oh, man, that can't be good." And so I came out of my room and went into the kitchen to grab a drink, and my two youngest brothers were sitting there, and they were talking about the newest ride at Disneyland and how they were looking forward to going on it, and I said ? and we lived in Northern California, and, you know, some distance from Disneyland, and so I'm thinking, "When are you guys going to Disneyland?" And they said, "Oh, that's what we're having this family meeting about. They're going to tell us that we're going on a family vacation to Disneyland," which had been the case in the past. And so that's what they were basing this on. And so they're talking about going to Disneyland, and I said, "Oh, guys, I don't think ? hoooo, well, okay, here's hoping."

So we went out, and both my mom and dad were there, and we were all gathered around, sitting in our family room on the couches and just kind of ? sort of in a circle, and they said, you know, "Guys, we're going to just take a little break right now. Your dad is just going to move out for just a little bit and just ? because we need some space, and the counselors think that might be the best thing to do, and it's just going to be for a short time, but it's going to be good because he's just going to be a walk away, and there's tennis courts there, and you can go and there's a Jacuzzi, and you can go and watch movies at Dad's place," and this stuff, and then I just remember just this haunting ? just a heartbreaking vision of my dad standing up and just kind of walking ? it was both my parents kind of standing up and walking towards us with arms open and just crying and saying, "I'm so sorry, guys, I'm so sorry."

And I remember just looking around and taking this quick snapshot as I looked around, and I saw my sister, and she was just smothering her face with a pillow because she was just weeping, and then I saw one of my brothers, and I could just see his body tighten with anger and his jaw clench, and then I saw my two youngest brothers who just were kind of, like, "I'm not sure how I feel about this," you know, "this seems wrong, but there are tennis courts and a Jacuzzi."

You know, and so ? and I just remember getting up, and I didn't want anything to do with it, so I ran out of the room, and I ran into my bedroom, and I just dove onto my bed, and I just began to weep, you know, because I knew this isn't going to be for a short time, this is it, you know, and I just started to cry, and I remember my mom came in to check on me, and she really had this kind of shell-shocked expression, and she said, "How are you feeling?" I said, "How do you think I'm feeling?" You know, "Come on," like ? I was upset, you know, and I said, "I can't believe you're trying to sugar coat this whole thing ? Jacuzzi and tennis courts and movies ? who cares? You know, and I was just crying and so frustrated, and I just ? you know, being 12, 13, you know, at the time, I just didn't have the tools to really try to work through this stuff. So all I could think of was just being upset ? I'm just upset ? "I am upset right now, and I can be upset," and that was it, you know, I didn't have any other tools to kind of walk through what that looked like.

Bob: Bill, as you hear Jesse relive that day, first of all, when you went into that day, did you know it wasn't going to be for a short period of time? Did you know this was a bridge toward the end of the family?

Bill: I would have to say I've always been known in life as the cockeyed-optimist. I was following the advice of my counselor, who said, "You know what? Why don't you guys get some distance for a little bit and see if this will help heal this thing up," because, on my own, I would have never volunteered to leave the home.

But I was convinced this guy had some good counsel for me and being at home was not working. It was just very intense.

Bob: I can think of no harder assignment than what you went through that day. I just think even knowing the meeting is coming up ...

Bill: Yeah, yeah.

Bob: Your guts had to be churning.

Bill: One of the ironies of it is we're talking about the people ? in my case, six other people ? my wife and my five children ? of which there are no other human beings at the time that meant any more to me than those six principle, yet I am in such a blown-apart state of mind that I'm almost like in a cocoon, and to hear Jesse describe it, and my dad kind of stands up and puts his arm out? I mean, I can almost see myself doing it in almost a mechanical kind of way, like, I just instinctively reach out for hugs, but I have no idea what this is going to lead to or what's happening, and I never thought it would ever get to this place to begin with and, of course, as Jesse continues in his book, those months where I was down the road at the apartment, I mean, those were some of the darkest days of my life, because I was a total mess. I was, you know, as he mentioned, here I was making my living as a speaker and a writer primarily on family. Well, who is going to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, we hear that you guys are getting a divorce. Would you come and do our couples retreat?" I mean, that's not the way [inaudible].

Bob: It wouldn't happen, yeah.

Bill: So I'm off the road, I'm not working, so that I can heal up, that's the good way to put it. What comes along with that is if I'm not on the road, and I'm not working, every day I sit at home healing, I'm going deeper into debt, and it's a very difficult time for a parent to parent, because you're so needy yourself, it's hard to reach out and give them what they need.

Dennis: Jesse, in your book, "Six String Rocketeer," you wrote about your eighth grade graduation, and I want to read this because it, in a sense, is almost surreal to read you describing what was taking place. Your name had just been called to graduate, and you said, "I looked at my dad and then over to my mom. They were in the same place but seemed miles and miles away. Although it had not been verbalized at that point, my eighth grade graduation not only marked the end of junior high, it also marked the end of an era in the Butterworth household. I knew our family would never be the same."

You go on to describe that you wish you could return from the side of having graduated from the eighth grade to the other side of the platform to the time your family was together. Why?

Jesse: Well, I think probably the biggest thing is stability, you know? I mean, my folks, I mean, the one thing that I harp on forever is that, you know ? and I'm so proud of both my dad and my mom, is that even through the divorce and even through what he was just saying, which is absolutely true ? it's so difficult to parent through a divorce, but my folks still did it. You know, I mean, they were still great parents all the way through. But you don't know that when you hear that your folks are splitting. You think everything is splitting. You think the whole home is just going to crumble, and that we're going to be living off of macaroni and cheese that my sister is going to make for us every night, and, you know, you really think that it's just like this total terrible scenario all around.

Dennis: Bill, I have to ask you a question ? I've got a feeling there's at least one listener right now who is wondering what's it like to sit where you're sitting, hearing this story replayed by one of the dearest people on the planet to you. I mean, as a father, I can't fathom what you ? what it would be like right now to be sitting where you're sitting listening to that story. What are you feeling?

Bill: Well, fortunately, I've had a few previous experiences where I've had this identical set of emotions, and it centers around one of my favorite words ? "Juxtaposition." Try to use that every day in a sentence, and you're just a bigger, bolder man. There's a lot of juxtaposition going on. I wrote it in the foreword of Jesse's book that he asked me to do that. I remember going to the studio the day they recorded this in Nashville, this song, and there was this overriding emotion of pride. I'm very proud of Jesse in how he has taken this and reached out to others.

Juxtaposed with a very profound sadness that, to this day, I still wished it really didn't have to happen that way; that it could have been a story that had been rewritten another way, because it is a very, very dark chapter in our family's life. Those are the feelings.

Bob: There would be part of me that would want to say, "Listen, let's talk about this maybe one more time, and then let's never talk about this again."

Bill: Right. I mean, I think we both have said, "What in the world are we doing, writing books on this? I mean, what are we smoking? This is ridiculous."

Jesse: Yeah.

Dennis: Yeah, but, because you've done that, you're going to bring some hope and help and healing to a group of people who may not know still what they're feeling. And I just want to address a group of children who have grown up in a divorced family. What Jesse has written, I think, especially for a generation of young people, both young ladies and young men, I'd say age 13 to 30, and maybe a little beyond, is it's in their words. But the interesting thing I've found that you did, Jesse, is something I've talked about here on this broadcast for years. You upheld the Fifth Commandment, and I just want to affirm you, you honored your mother and father, and you did that by writing not long tributes but little miniature tributes of affirming their influence, their impact, in the positive sense in your life without trashing them for a choice or two, or a mistake or an error, which would be so easy to do.

Bob: Yeah, we've seen a lot of children grow up and, rather than affirming anything, just cast stones, and Dennis is right, you didn't do that. In fact, you took the opposite course.

Dennis: I don't want to make this sound simple, because it is not as simple as merely writing a tribute as, Jesse, you undoubtedly would affirm.

Jesse: Right.

Dennis: But if you're listening to me right now, and there's a huge percentage of listeners between the ages of 18 and 40, we know it's about 40 percent of you who are from divorced families. You are adults who are growing up carrying some of that baggage, and you may not have unpacked it, and the action point for you is unpack some of those bags and maybe move toward honor. I know right now that might sound like it is an insurmountable task, but I've found, in obeying God's Word, very simply put, in obeying God's Word, there is blessing, there's benefit, there's things that will accrue back to you. And I'm not selling some kind of prosperity Gospel here ? the promise of the Fifth Commandment is honor your mother and father, that it may be what? Well with you.

And I want to encourage a listener right now who, perhaps young, perhaps older, who has never let go and who can't move to honor because they haven't forgiven. Now is the day. Don't allow this to define your life and control your life for the rest of your life. Instead move towards honor.

Bob: Mm-hm, and if you're trying to figure out how do I do that given the circumstances that we've been through, then I would encourage you to get a copy of Jesse's book, which is called "Six String Rocketeer," and see how he did it with his parents. It will give you some kind of a model for how you can affirm and express honor for things that are true about your parents and about their lives.

And I'd also encourage you to get a copy of the book you wrote, Dennis, which is called "The Best Gift You Can Ever Give Your Parents," because you talk in that book about how do we honor, again, if there's been pain or damage as a part of our past. We have both of these books on our website at FamilyLife.com. You can go to our home page and, in the middle of the home page you'll see a red button that says, "Go," and if you click that button, it will take you right to the page where there is more information about Jesse Butterworth's book, "Six String Rocketeer," about the book, "The Best Gift You Can Ever Give Your Parents." We also have information about the book that you wrote, Bill, which is called "New Life After Divorce," which is a guide for folks who, for whatever reason, find themselves in a situation with a divorce ? what they need to do to press into the issues that got them there and deal with those issues and deal rightly with them before God.

Again, our website is FamilyLife.com. On the home page, you'll see a button that says "Go," and if you click that button it will take you right to the page where you'll find not only these resources but other resources that are available on this subject helping families deal with the devastation of divorce in a family and honoring parents even in the midst of that situation.

You can also call 1-800-FLTODAY for more information. That's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team can make sure that you can get these resources or other resources sent out to you.

We want to say a quick word of thanks today to the few, the proud, and the folks who don't just listen to FamilyLife Today but those of you who also help with the financial needs of this ministry. We are listener-supported, and a handful of listeners actually call or write or go online and make donations to help keep FamilyLife Today on the air on this station and on stations across the country.

Between now and the end of September, we have a way that we'd like to say thank you to those of you who can help with a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today. We'd like to send you a two-CD set that was one of the most requested CD series heard on FamilyLife Today last year. It was our interview with Shaunti Feldhahn on her book "For Women Only." For almost three hours, Dennis, your wife Barbara, Shaunti, and I carried on a lively conversation about what's going on in the heart of a man that a woman doesn't fully understand that can help her understand and minister more effectively to her husband.

We'd love to send you this two-CD set. Again, it's called "For Women Only," and you can request that as a thank you when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of FamilyLife Today this month. You can donate online at FamilyLife.com, and if you do that, as you fill out the donation form, when you come to the keycode box, just type in the word "women," and we'll know that you want the CDs from Shaunti Feldhahn sent out to you, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, make a donation over the phone and just request the audio CDs "For Women Only," and we'll be happy to get those out to you as well. Again, thanks in advance for your financial support of this ministry. We appreciate your partnership with us very much.

Well, tomorrow we are going to continue to unpack the reality of what happens in a family when Mom and Dad get a divorce. Jesse and Bill Butterworth will be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back with us as well.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.