Program: FamilyLife Today

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, September 20th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Life changes for a lot of people, especially for the children, when Mom and Dad get a divorce.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us. We've heard the expression used for those who are ? who have come from a battle who are wounded. There's the wounded that have to be carried out on the stretcher, and then there is the walking wounded, those who have wounds, but they're able to walk away from the battle.

I think we live in a culture today where there are a lot of young people, a lot of young couples, who are walking wounded and maybe they don't even know that they've got the wounds that they're carrying around with them because they've never spent any time taking a hard look at those wounded areas, and that's some of what we've been doing this week on our program.

Dennis: Yeah, Bob, and it may not be both the husband and the wife. It may just be one or the other, because there are a lot of folks who are getting married today ? one coming from an intact family, the other from a family of divorce, and they have no idea how those issues are going to impact their relationship. But they venture off in marriage by forging this covenant, and then they start kind of setting up house together, and they realize, "Whoa, you know what? We've got some different backgrounds here. We've got some different issues that we're facing.

Bob: We wanted to have an honest conversation on some of this impact, and we were thrilled when Bill and Jesse Butterworth agreed to come and, really, be transparent with us about a lot of what has been your experience.

Bill is an author, a speaker, who lives in Southern California. Jesse lives in the Pacific Northwest and is on a pastoral staff at a church in the Seattle area. And more than a decade ago, when you were in middle school, Jesse, your family came apart. Bill, you went through a divorce, you and your wife were divorced, and that rocked your world, it actually rocked everybody's world in the family, but especially for a middle-schooler. There came a point, you'd been living at home with your mom and your brothers and sisters, and your anger got to the point that she said, "I think you need to go live with your dad," you showed up on his doorstep with trash sacks full of your stuff and moved in, and you described that period as being a pretty miserable period in your life.

Jesse: Well, yeah. I loved the term you used, the "walking wounded," I mean, that was exactly my dad. I mean, just so broken, and I don't even know that it was a functioning brokenness, it was just so broken, and I'm just thinking, "Man, I feel like if I'm going to go live with my dad, I'm going to have to babysit, and I'm going to have to parent my parent, and I'm going to have to engage in this whole divorce thing, which I'm just trying to get away from, honestly."

And to go back to this word, "wounds," there was actually a time in middle school where I specifically remember an English teacher who brought up this quote ? "The wounds that hurt you would be the wounds that would heal you." And I had no idea what that meant, but I remember carrying it around with me, and so I went to live with my dad for a while, and it came to my birthday, and my dad, who was basically in debt and had no work because he had been a speaker on family and marriage and different things like that and now had, you know, obviously, experienced a dry spell because he was going through a divorce and it kind of almost seemed like a Christian leper, you know, that ? "Boy, we've got to distance ourselves from Butterworth," you know, and so in being a son, I was so offended by that and just so frustrated.

But it came to my birthday, and I thought ? and I came home that day, and my buddies at school had given me some cool stuff, and I was way into the Beatles and classic rock, I'd found my dad's old records and things like that, and it had really been kind of a connecting point for my dad and I, so it was nice. So we didn't have to talk about the divorce, we didn't have to talk ? we could talk about the Beatles, you know? Men ? that was great.

So it came to that time of my birthday. I came home, I just kind of thought, "Oh, well, I'm just going to play it off, like, don't worry about it, Dad," whatever, thanks, happy birthday, he made me dinner. My brothers and sister were over, we did kind of a quick thing, and they took off, and my sister had given me a journal that was from my mom, and she says it's from Mom. You know, "She says happy birthday, and she wants you to come home sometime just to say 'Hey,'" because I just wasn't even talking to her at that point.

And then they took off, and my dad came in with a bunch of music books, and he said, "Happy Birthday, Buddy," and so I started opening them and, one by one, James Taylor, Paul Simon, The Beatles Anthology ? all these different music books, and I'm thinking, "This is great," you know, this is totally what I'm into right now, and so ? and then he gives me a capo, which is something you use for the guitar to change the key, and then he gives me his old picks from when he used to play the guitar before I was born. And I just think, "Oh, this is great," and then he says, "All right, close your eyes, Buddy." And I do, and he comes out, and there's ? and he says, "All right, open them up," and there's a dusty old guitar with a beat-up case sitting in front of me. And I opened it up, and it's my dad's old guitar, and he says, "Hey, I want you to have this. I want you to learn how to play these songs and take this guitar."

And, ironically, the guitar was a wedding present from my mom to my dad. And so there's kind of a love history there, it's all gouged and beaten, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, you know? And so I would just sit there night after night and play until my fingers bled, and I'd play this guitar, and sometimes my dad would come in. I specifically remember a time that we were singing through the Beatles Anthology, and we were singing, "Boy, you gotta carry that weight, carry that weight a long time," and we were just kind of turning from each other, sort of crying, hoping the other wouldn't notice that the other was crying, you know, and we just found this amazing bond in music.

And I just found this way that, man, this was a way that I could focus all this aggression and all these emotions and all of these things that I didn't know what to do with through this music. And even though these weren't my songs, they could become my songs, and I'd ? oh, it was just a wonderful thing.

And so kind of to go full circle on this story, finally, I'm at college, and I'm still feeling like I've got all these emotions, this baggage that I'm carrying with me from my folks' divorce and from family life at home, and I'm just thinking, "Oh, man, I don't want to carry this with me for the rest of my life." So I went, and I saw a counselor, and I'm totally incognito because in my mind, you know, like, counseling is, like, you are the weakest of the weak, you know, and so I go in and I see this guy who just helped me immensely, and he said, "Hey, do you have a journal?" And I remember, "Yeah, my mom gave me a journal when I was ? years ago." And so he said, "Break that out, just write in it all the time. If you ever have a thought, don't self edit, just write, write write, write." And he said, "And go to God with everything, pray with everything, you know, anything that you're happening. Just let God take what you've given Him and let Him put the pieces back together, let Him heal you."

Bob: You hadn't been going to God with anything for a while.

Jesse: No, I'd been complete ? dropped out of church, completely, you know, stepped away from God because I didn't see ? in my mind, it was "God, you did this to me, so why should I serve You? Why should we even be in relationship?"

Dennis: And you went ahead and, at a point, wrote a song?

Jesse: Yeah.

Dennis: Which we're going to listen to before the broadcast is over here in a few moments. But you've said, Jesse, that splitting time between your mom and dad was the worst of both worlds.

Jesse: Mm-hm.

Dennis: And I know a lot of kids feel like they move from one world to another, from one culture to another. One person described it as having their feet on a piece of earth when everything around them had vanished, and then the earth underneath their feet split into two pieces. What did you mean when you said it was the worst of both worlds?

Jesse: Well, pretty much exactly what you just said. I mean, culturally, it was so difficult because, you know, you're there, and I'd be at my dad's and at least I'd know, here's kind of the guidelines, here's my getaway, here's all of the things I can do to kind of hang under the safety umbrella, and then as soon as I go to my mom's, everything changes. And it's a new set of rules and a new place that you can try to find to get away or ? and then also what we had mentioned previously on this broadcast was parenting ? the idea of parenting your parent, that's what I kind of felt like it was.

Bob: Bill, I have to ask you, when you gave that present to your son, the Beatles Anthology and the picks and the capo and the old guitar, did you know what you were giving him?

Bill: I don't think I had any idea, the significance that he would give to it. I mean, he really did a great job of setting it up. A lot of it was ? I wasn't making any money at the time, so there was nothing to go out and buy. So that was something that I knew he had interest in, and I thought it would be something that perhaps, you know, he always excelled at music, and he always really did a great job, and I thought, well, maybe this would be something that would ? but, no, I never had any idea and, of course, the full circle for me is just a few short years ago I'm sitting in Nashville at the Dove Awards, and Jesse is part of a band that has three Dove nominations including Best New Artist of the Year, and I'm thinking of that moment where this little guitar is almost like an afterthought, just kind of a ? "Well, I'd love to go out and buy you a state-of-the-art beautiful ? but this is all I've got right now," and to watch how ? it's almost like the loaves and fishes. I mean, I gave him all that I could think of at that point, and then God blessed it, and Jesse took it, and used it to minister to so many people not only through his songwriting but his touring and all the things that he's done with his music.

Dennis: You know, in the midst of a divorce life continues on. Circumstances keep on happening, and one of the circumstances that happened is your dad ? you're named after him, Bill ? he died. And at the funeral home, Jesse, you were walking down the hall at the funeral home, and you noticed a plaque that had some words on it, and it hit you like a ton of bricks. Do you want to share with our listeners what that plaque said and how you applied it to your situation?

Jesse: Sure. The plaque said, "The funeral ? it helps confirm the reality and finality of death; it provides a climate for mourning and the expression of grief; it's a celebration for a life that's been lived as well as a sociological statement that a death has occurred." And I think the reason it hit me so hard was not only because I was grieving my grandpa who died, but also I realized that I never really grieved the loss of my parents' marriage and the family life that we had before my folks had divorced.

And I describe it in the book. You know, we talk about the death of a marriage, but I feel like, for kids, it's almost more like you're living with a parent or a grandparent with Alzheimer's. It's not a death, because, as you just mentioned before, life goes on. You still see your mom, you still see your dad. You know, maybe not in every scenario, but you're still there. You know, you're still trying to function, and yet you've got these things that are happening that aren't the way they were before, and you're trying to figure out how to make that work.

And so when I saw that plaque, I went ? that's what really hit me, and I said, "You know, I've got to start processing this. I've got to grieve what we had and also, you know, it's interesting, just to celebrate what was. You know, to celebrate the life that was because, man, we really did ? we had a great childhood.

I started to see a counselor. He just encouraged me to journal and to just be going to God with everything and then sitting in my dorm room, I was actually playing through a James Taylor song, "Fire and Rain," which I love the song, but I got to this point where it said, "Won't you look down upon me, Jesus, you've got to help me make a stand. You've just got to see me through another day," and I just stopped dead in the middle of that thing, and I just stopped, and I tried to sing it again, and I couldn't, and I just started to cry, and I just went to God, and I said, "Hey, You've got to help me through another day. I can't do this on my own. So, Jesus, just take it, do what you want with this life, and with what I've got to offer, I know it's not much, but I know it's so much more with You."

And just right after that, I just started going through my journal, and I started picking out phrases, and I started to piece them together and, literally, almost every word of this song is just straight out of my journal, just bleeding on the page. And the song is called "Six-String Rocketeer," and it's basically just about my experience from when my folks divorced, and as we mentioned before, one of the biggest things that helped me through that was music. And so the bridge of the song is about how I became the six-string rocketeer, and that I could escape through music, and that's where I would see Sergeant Pepper, and I would see me and Julio down by the schoolyard, which is a Paul Simon reference, and all these different references to these classic rock guys that I was listening to a lot, and so "Six-String Rocketeer."

[sings]

Bob: That is Jesse Butterworth and the group, Daily Planet, and the song "Six-String Rocketeer," and there is something about taking the emotional energy and funneling it into music that is not only cathartic for the writer, but I think helps people not just identify cognitively with what you've experienced, Jesse, but also kind of enter into the feelings as well.

Dennis: I, again, just want to thank both of you, Jesse and Bill, for sharing your story and bringing some perspective to those perhaps who aren't floating like a feather. They're still tied up, and if they don't do business with God as you did, Jesse, they're destined for some heavy, heavy days in the future, and that's where you found your hope, and I just appreciate you modeling that, and this is where I believe Jesus Christ reaches out and touches and brings redemption and reconciliation and hope to every human being. He is alive, and He wants to comfort those who have broken hearts.

Bob: We appreciate you guys and appreciate how you have ministered comfort not only to our listeners this week but in the books that you've written. Jesse, your book, "Six-String Rocketeer," and, Bill, the book that you've written called "New Life After Divorce." We've got both of these books in our FamilyLife Resource Center, and if any of our listeners are interested, they can go to our website, FamilyLife.com. On the home page you'll see a red button in the middle of the screen that says "Go," and if you click that button, it will take you right to the page where there is more information about these books and other resources.

Again, the website is FamilyLife.com. Click the red "Go" button, and you'll be right where you need to be. You can order online, if you'd like, or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY and talk to somebody about these resources ?- 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY. Someone on our team can let you know how you can get copies of these books. We can get them sent out to you, if you'd like.

You know, one of the things that we have found with the CDs that are available of our FamilyLife Today programs is that often listeners will pass those CDs along to other folks ? friends, family members, folks who may not tune in and listen to FamilyLife Today, but would be interested in the subject matter that is being addressed. Last year one of the most requested CD series that we featured on FamilyLife Today was a conversation we had with author Shaunti Feldhahn who had written a book called "For Women Only." This is a book that helps women understand what's going on in the heart of a man so that a wife can have a deeper relationship with her husband because she understands him better.

We wanted to make these two CDs available this month for you to either listen to yourself or to pass along to a friend, and you can receive the CDs as our thank you gift when you help us with a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today. We're listener-supported, so those donations are crucial for keeping this program on this station and on stations all across the country. You can donate online at FamilyLife.com, and if you do that, as you fill out the donation form, you'll see a keycode box. Just type the word "women" in there, and that way we'll know you want the Shaunti Feldhahn CDs sent out to you or call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-358-6329, and let us know that you'd like the CD series, and we'll be happy to get it to you. Again, it's our way of saying thanks for your financial support of this ministry. We appreciate your partnership with us, and we want to say thanks.

Tomorrow we want to talk about what moms and dads can do to help our children, especially our younger children, understand not just Bible stories but help them understand the story of the Bible, the big story of God's redemption. We're going to talk to a pastor tomorrow who has come up with a great resource for parents to use in this regard. I hope you can be with us for that conversation.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.