Bob: When you take an honest, hard look at your life, are you the kind of person you'd like to be married to? Here is Chip Ingram.

Chip: I think the Scripture lays it out as well – "Okay, here's how to do relationships – be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, in Christ, also has forgiven you." [ Read Full Transcript ]

Well, guess what? Bees are attracted to honey. If you want a person who is other-centered, loyal, committed, caring, loving, who are they looking for? They're looking for someone like that.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, May 15th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Do you have what it takes to be at least half of a great relationship? Stay with us, we'll find out.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. We're going to spend some time today talking about love and romance and all of those warm – it just kind of gives me the chills to even think about it, you know?

Dennis: [laughs] And we're going to actually speak directly to singles who listen to our broadcast – not that the married folks can't benefit from what we're going to talk about, but the singles, I think, today need a broadcast like today and really the rest of the week.

Bob: Do you think they're confused about love?

Dennis: Well, I certain was when I was single. I didn't know what I was talking about. And to help us do that is Chip Ingram. Chip joins us for a second day. Chip, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.

Chip: It's great to be with you all, thank you very much.

Dennis: Chip is the President and CEO of Walk Through the Bible in Atlanta, Georgia, and I want to start by asking you two gentlemen – I'm going to answer the question myself as well – how much of your concept of love did you get from your parents, from Hollywood, or from the Christian community? Now, the total needs to add up to 100 percent.

Okay, so as a single person, before you were married, how much of your concept of love did you get or did you receive from your mom and dad and their model, from Hollywood, music, and, third, the Christian community. Chip, do you know?

Chip: Yes, I would say probably it was about maybe 5 percent or 10 percent max. I did not have a good church experience. God was something way far away and a lot of hypocrisy. My parents were good moral people, not overly affectionate, but I'd give them 25 percent or 30 percent.

So 10 and 30 – but I would say 60, 65 percent was the songs going through my head, and I can tell you the movie specifically of the 14, 15, 16, 17, because I took those into my marriage, and I thought, "You know, I'm going to do this God's way, and we're going to walk hand-in-hand on the beach and have ooey-gooey feelings until Jesus comes back."

Bob: I learned that powerful theological truth that love means never having to say your sorry from the movies.

Dennis: There's some great theology in that statement.

Bob: Actually, I've never forgotten, years later watching Ryan O'Neal, who was in "Love Story." It was Ali McGraw who said to Ryan O'Neal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Well, a few years later he was in a movie called "What's Up, Doc?" with Barbra Streisand. The end of the movie, he looks over at her, and he says, "You know, love means never having to say you're sorry," and Barbra Streisand said, "That's the stupidest thing I've every heard." It was a great moment.

I would have to score it pretty similarly to Chip. I don't know that – I went to church growing up, but I don't know that I ever heard anything about love or romance at church. I mean, that didn't seem very theological, you know? We were talking about important social issues not about love and romance.

So I'd give church 5 percent, like you. My parents, I'd give them probably 25 percent, and the lesson I learned from them is commitment, perseverance. I saw them persevere in a struggling, difficult time. And that was probably an important lesson to be burned into the heart and mind of a young man.

But when it comes to the emotional side of love, when it comes to passion or romance, I learned that from Herman's Hermits, baby, you know, that's where I learned it – "Something tells me I'm into something good," you know?

Dennis: And a bunch of our listeners are going, Herman's Hermits?

Bob: [singing] "But I do know that I love you, and I know that if you love me too" –

Chip: – doo doo doo do –

Bob: "What a wonderful world this could be."

Chip: [singing] "Save your day job, doo doo do do.

Bob: Actually, Sam Cooke made a hit out of that, but Herman's Hermits kind of revised it in the '60s.

Dennis: Well, enough of the oldies here on FamilyLife Today. I look back over my life, and the Christian community, I'm sorry, but I don't remember any teaching. So I give them zero, I really do. My parents, I'm similar to you guys, 20, 25 percent because of their model of persevering love for over 45 years, and Hollywood gets the rest – so 75 percent.

You know, for me, Chip, it was James Bond. I mean, he shows us how to really demonstrate love, you know, and …

Bob: Come on, shows us how to demonstrate love? He just shows us how to have girls fall at your feet, and I never could figure out how …

Chip: And what else is there to love than that when you're 16 years old. That's what we thought.

Bob: That's a good point.

Dennis: Actually, he was demonstrating lust, that's what he was demonstrating. Chip, you've written a book called "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships," and you talk about how Hollywood is giving us, really, four descriptions of what love is all about.

Chip: Yes, Hollywood, basically is saying that the whole key, if you listen – and by Hollywood, I don't mean the actual place. I mean this culture that's grown up, whether it's music, whether it's video games, whether it's prime time TV, it's all about, number one, finding the right person. It's built in our DNA that the whole thing about love is there's somebody out there, you've got to go find them.

And then fall in love. It will be a dramatic, spine-tingling, oh, this look in your eyes, this feeling will come over you, and then set your hopes and dreams upon them, and this person is going to come through and make your life.

So, step 1, find the right person; step 2, fall in love; step 3, fix your hopes and dreams on them; and then they do have a step 4. When that doesn't work go back to step 1, and you have the wrong person so find someone else.

And so we have cultivated and developed this idea that if you're not fulfilled, if it's not ooey-gooey, if things aren't going you way, if you don't feel accepted, affirmed, then you must be with the wrong person, so find the right person.

Dennis: And it is interesting, Hollywood does seem to have a formula. I mean, it seems to be focused on that other perfect person. The problem is, as the Scriptures teach, you're not going to find the perfect person. People are going to disappoint you, they're going to hurt you, and so you need another plan, a plan that Hollywood is not going to offer.

And you believe, as we do, that the Scriptures really represent a contrasting plan to that of our culture, and I have to read a passage here, because I think whether you're single or married, there are a lot of people who are being conformed to the world.

I want to read this passage because this was one of the Bible passages that I cut my spiritual eyeteeth on. Romans, chapter 12, 1 and 2 – "I urge you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship, and do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good, acceptable, and perfect."

There's two thoughts I want to say about this. Number one, if it looks like the world, sounds like the world, smells like the world, it probably is the world. Secondly, for that single person listening who doesn't want what the world offers, and they see it for its lies, instead they want that which is good, acceptable and perfect, and that is God's will.

Now, the question is, Chip, how can a single person find God's will when it comes to loving another person?

Chip: I think the Scripture lays it out as well, and when he talks about who we are, new in Christ, in Ephesians, and then talks about the transformation that occurs. When Chapter 5 opens up, after we've been told "Okay, here's how to do relationships – be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, in Christ, also has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children, walk in love – how? Just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us. Picture of as an offering, a sacrifice to God, a fragrant aroma."

That model, I think, gives us the exact opposite prescription. Instead of finding the right person it begins with becoming the right person. What does it mean to become the right person? An imitator of God – become a kind, compassionate, tenderhearted, forgiving, other-centered person. And that may sound not really nearly as cool, but you think about what kind of person do you want attracted to you?

I think the Scripture lays it out as well – "Okay, here's how to do relationships – be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God, in Christ, also has forgiven you."

Well, guess what? Bees are attracted to honey. If you want a person who is other-centered, loyal, committed, caring, loving, who are they looking for? They're looking for someone like that. And so the number-one thing is get our focus. It's not that our eyes aren't up, and we're not looking and allowing God to bring people into our lives, but you are looking through a lens that says, "My focus is going to be on, 'I am going to become the man or the woman God wants me to become,'" and then step 2 is then I'm going to walk in love.

It's not looking for an experience, I'm not looking for the ooey-gooey feeling or infatuation – we'll talk about that later, but I'm going to become the right person, and then I'm going to learn, by obedience, to take steps to put other people ahead of myself, and these relationships with the opposite sex, and amazing things start to happen.

Bob: Now, some singles will hear you talk about this, and they'll say, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard this 'Be the right person' sermon before at the singles group. You know, I heard the guy talk about it, and I tried that for about 60 days, I tried it for 90 days, and I still wasn't having – nobody was asking me out. In fact, I was having better luck getting asked out when I was doing it the way the culture defines it.

Now, I wasn't meeting many guys that I liked all that much or any ladies that I really liked, but at least I was going out on Friday nights."

Chip: Yes, and I would say to you, if your goal was to go out, and if your goal is to date to do the system, then probably don't focus on becoming the right person. Do it the world's way and get the world's results. If you want the kind of person we're looking for, it doesn't mean you don't go out at all, but what it means is, boy, you put up a criteria first for yourself and then for the other person where you say, "I'm going to become the right person," and you know what? When you're the right person and you walk in love, you'll find yourself in totally different arenas.

There are certain kind of fish that you catch in certain kinds of ponds, and there's a different kind of fish that you catch in other kinds of ponds, and the tragedy is many of our single young people and not-so-young people are going to the same ponds that the world goes to, and they know a verse, and they said, "I love God," and then they find themselves two years married to someone with no convictions, no trust, no character. It doesn't work. And then – are you ready for this – mad at God and come to guys like me that are pastors saying, "Hey, what's the deal?"

Dennis: Fix it.

Bob: I wish our listeners, at this point, could read some of the e-mails that we get because we get them over and over again from somebody, and it always starts with that same, "We got married seven years ago. It's been a downward spiral," and then we get to the telling paragraph where "both of us profess faith in Christ, however, there's a difference in the quality of that spiritual experience." And, you're right, at that point, fixing things becomes a very challenging proposition.

Dennis: What we're talking about here is becoming a godly person. And that's to be our pursuit whether we're single, married, regardless of our state, our condition in life. And Paul wrote to Timothy in 1 Timothy 6, he said, "For godliness is actually a means of great gain when it's accompanied with contentment."

And I find one of the biggest struggles for singles is back to what you said about 30, 60, 90 days, they've tried the godliness thing of becoming the right person, and it hasn't worked out immediately, and they're really not practicing contentment.

A part of what God calls us to is to get on the track of becoming the right person and to stay on that track regardless of the circumstances that surround our lives.

Bob: And I know we're talking to single and talking about singles, but this applies just as much if you're in a marriage relationship. A lot of us got married, still had this squirrelly idea of what love and romance was supposed to be, and this becoming the right person and learning it with contentment fits right in there, doesn't it?

Chip: Oh, you hit it, because I've taught this on the radio twice now, and the response has been, like, scary. And we figured it would be mostly single people, but this mindset, if it's really "the other person is going to come through for me," when you take this into marriage, it's as lethal and deadly and diseased as it is finding the right person.

So we're both Christians, I'm a leader in the church but you know what? I'm getting my view of romance from the Coors Light commercials, from the last two movies I've seen, from the shoot 'em up James Bond equivalent of our day, and my wife isn't coming through for me like they are on TV and guess what? I'm getting older, she's gaining weight and guess what? Here we go.

And he's not affectionate and tender and doing all the super, deep, sensitive masculine stuff that women are buying into a false model, the men buy into a false model, and that's why, after the first three to five years being the number-one divorce rate time, you know, I don't need to tell you guys – we jump quickly to it's people married 20 to 25 years is the second-most current time of people getting divorced.

Bob: The nest starts to empty out, you start looking back at one another, and you go, "This is what I've got now?" And there's a sense of "I don't want this." And it's hard to underestimate the amount of subtle influence that we've gotten from the culture. I mean, we identified it at the beginning, but if you've been feeding your mind for the last 20, 25 years on movies and television and popular song in a marriage relationship, you get to that empty nest, and you look at the other person, and you go, "I want something more."

Dennis: The message of the culture is selfishness. How does that person meet my needs? It's all about back to what you said earlier, Chip. It's finding the right person who can satisfy me.

When you quoted that Scripture earlier, and you talked about becoming the right person and learning to love as that right person loves, you said a word that I think is very important for both singles and marrieds alike to embrace, because it's at the core of what loving like God means.

And the word is "sacrifice." How did God love us? He sacrificed His own Son. He denied His rights, and He pursued us. The kind of love the Bible talks about that we are to have in all relationships, whether it's our roommates, as single people, as husbands and wives, for our children when they disappoint us, extended family members – at the core of the Christian message is the concept that you must deny yourself, you must embrace selflessness not selfishness, and that's hard for singles or marrieds to embrace.

Chip: And what I'd say there, I think critical, one, is let's give them a good definition because when we're talking about love, people's ears perked up, and they're listening in the car, and love is, biblically, giving the other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least. That's not an emotional response.

Dennis: Say that again.

Chip: It's giving the other person what they need the most when they deserve it the least. That is a picture of what Jesus did for us. And then the other thing we need to say because, you know, for all those people like me who grew up as a Christian couple, three or four years, and it was, like, "Hey, this isn't really working, but I know it's really true," is we need to remind people the payoff we're talking about is richer, better, deeper, in every way.

I mean, I'm going to just go out there and say not just relationally, not just emotionally – sexually. But there's a long fuse. When you walk in love, when you put the other person first, I've got news for you – will you be in a minority and get less dates? Yes. Were you going to narrow the field? Yes. Is it going to be harder in your relationship? Yes. And when you sow that, sow that, sow that, are you going to reap an awesome, deep, loving, spiritually, emotionally, physically satisfying relationship? Yes.

And so this is not about what's wrong with everyone, this is about God wants the best. I mean, come on, people, you know, look at what's happening with your fellow Christians and marriages. It ain't workin'.

Dennis: Right.

Bob: Right.

Chip: This is about let's help people get on board with what God wants to give them, but what we don't want is the process. Everyone wants the product …

Dennis: And this is what I really fear for – we have a generation of young people today who have – well, they've gained their image of what love is all about from all these sources, and it won't work. It is going to fail them. And that's why we need to get back to the Book, the Bible. We have to get back to the spiritual community of the church, the local body of believers, where we are teaching and training single people and married people how to be great lovers, and I'm not talking about romance here in terms of sex. I am talking about romancing another person for a lifetime.

And for many single people, their greatest assignment is not falling in love with another person, it's learning how to live – and I shouldn't have to say this, but with your same-sex roommate, as I did when I was a single man, living with a couple of other guys in Dallas, Texas. It's learning how to look beyond their weaknesses, look behind the disappointments, look behind how they ate some food that was mine out of the refrigerator and how I process that and how I love. Am I a capital "L" Lover or a small "l" lover?

Chip, you tell a story in your book about a man who worked on Wall Street who finally got a picture, a biblical picture, on how to love.

Chip: Yes, he actually was probably listening to something – a program just about like this, and they quoted the verse about loving your wife the way Christ loved the church – sacrificially. He's in the car, high-powered, high-pressure job, and they're going to this cottage on the beach, and he just decides, "I'm going to try this."

So they get out of the car and, of course, he wants to go sit down and relax, you know, get the paper, and she goes, "Honey, why don't we take a walk?" And before it could come out of his mouth, he said, "Okay." And then later it was, you know, "The kids are coming down. Why don't we go fly kites?" And, of course, he wanted to go fishing.

So, anyway, for four or five, six days, everything she wanted to do, you know, with good balance. He radically loved his wife sacrificially. At the end of the time, she got real quiet and was really afraid, and she goes, "I've got to ask you something," and he said, "Well, what's wrong?" I mean, she looks like, you know, there's a major, major problem here.

And she looked at him, she says, "Honey, am I dying?" He said, "What? What do you mean?" "Well, the way you've treated me, I just assumed that maybe I was dying, and you wanted to just love me in a way like never before." And he tells the story, and he says, "You know something? What a commentary on my love, when I love my wife the way Christ does, that she's so overwhelmed, and it's so different she thinks she's dying.

And he said, "You know what? I took that one home," and I would say, too, because a lot of guys are saying, "Yeah, but what about me?" When you love your wife like that, there's a lot of amazing ways your wife will want to love you."

Dennis: And I can say with some degree of certainty, one of the tests of whether you're loving your spouse like this is that it will demand self-sacrifice. And if you're a single person, you know, we've talked to you today because we want to plead with you, don't go the route of the world. Don't be conformed to its instructions about love. Instead be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Learn how to be a sacrificial lover of other people and, in all that, you're going to become the right person and be in the process, I think, of ultimately proving what God's will is for your life.

And that may include a mate at some point in the future. It may not, but if it doesn't, you've still become a great lover of people.

Bob: There's a little quiz you can take on the Internet that gives you an evaluation, doesn't it?

Dennis: It does.

Bob: The 12 tests of love from Chip's book?

Dennis: I think that would be a great idea just to take that test and see how well you know how to love right now.

Chip: I was just going to say, it's very quick, and you can answer 12 questions and know whether you're in love or infatuated.

Bob: I like that, quick and simple. It's on our website at FamilyLife.com. If you go to the home page click the red button you see in the middle of the screen that says "Go," and you'll find a link to the quiz. You'll also find information about Chip's book, which is called, "Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships," and other resources we have available including Elisabeth Elliott's classic book, "Passion and Purity," which is a book that, you know, we never had our sons read this book, but we did have our daughters read this – well, I guess – I think we had Jimmy read this book as well. It's a classic on the subject of relationships.

And I think it's great for teenagers. I think both of these are great books for teenagers. Again, go to the website, FamilyLife.com, click the red button that says "Go" in the middle of the screen. It will take you right to the area of the site where there's information on the resources that are available from us here at FamilyLife. You can take the quiz we've talked about from Chip's book and see how your relationship lines up.

You can also call us at 1-800-FLTODAY to request the resources we've talked about, if you'd like. Again, it's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team will make sure that we get these resources sent to you.

By the way, when you get in touch with us, don't forget that May is a special month for us. We're in the midst of a unique matching gift opportunity, one of the largest matching gift opportunities we've had in the last six years here at FamilyLife. We are hoping to hear from as many listeners as possible this month to make a donation to FamilyLife, and your donation is going to be matched dollar-for-dollar up to a total of $475,000.

It's a great opportunity for us, so if I can encourage you to either go online and make a donation or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation, it would go a long way to helping us take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity. We need as many listeners as possible to consider making a donation this month, and I hope you'll do that.

Again, you can donate online at FamilyLife.com, or you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, and we appreciate your willingness to help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today.

Well, tomorrow Chip Ingram is going to be back with us, and I want to find out how all of this that we've been talking about this week plays out in real life when a son or a daughter comes home and starts talking about someone special that they've met in school, because you had that happen with your daughter. We'll get the details tomorrow. I hope our listeners can be with us for that.

I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.