This past week I hosted a reunion of 8 girlfriends. We met 30 years ago when we were all living in Sewickley, Pennsylvania, having babies and wondering how we were going to survive sleep deprivation and sibling rivalry! Over the years we’ve experienced joyful weddings, children’s divorces, a child’s death, job losses, moves and just about everything in between. We’ve laughed, cried and prayed together. Now that we are all well into the empty nest it was great fun to reflect on what we’ve learned and to reflect on what advice we might offer those approaching or newly into the empty nest.
Here are a few of our ideas in no particular order:
Be nice to you mother-in-law because you will be one soon!
Begin to develop new interests that you and your husband might share.
As Barbara and I did research for this book we discovered many women who were taking the plunge into an unexpected Empty Nest Adventure, like our friend Debbie. Debbie turned fifty the year her youngest son graduated from high school. That same year her family moved from the East Coast to the West Coast. Debbie wisely took the first year off, getting to know her new community. But all along she wondered, What’s next for me?
What have I loved? Where can I make a difference now? She asked herself. When her boys were in high school she worked as a guidance counselor and discovered she loved working with teens. In her new community, she came to know a number of adults who were concerned about the tremendous needs of youth in the area. Several had a desire to begin a Young Life ministry.
“I didn’t feel suited to be a leader. I’m not an extrovert. I don’t like speaking in front of people. I’m not funny. And all of these things are important for a Young Life leader. But I could pray,” Debbie recounts.
This is the son who didn’t like school; the one who’d rather have been playing for all of those twelve years. In high school he had a teacher who he felt was against him. She taught 10th grade English. At the end of his 10th grade year she moved up and taught 11th grade English, so he had her for a second year. No improvement in the relationship. He hated the boring books she made him read, the picky grammar corrections on everything he turned in, and the mediocre grades she gave him no matter how hard he tried.
One of the main things Barbara and I discovered while doing research for this book is how easy it is to feel lonely as an “empty nester.” During our kids’ teen years many of us put our girl friend relationships “on hold” while we spent time on weekends going to our teen’s events. The little spare time we had was devoted to family events because we wanted to capture every last moment before they left. We didn’t see girl friends as much as we did when our children were toddlers and we were desperate for adult conversation!
143 million. Are you wondering what this number represents?
This may not be the most popular post I’ve written. Nor will it be funny, light-hearted or trivial. You may even be sorry you’ve read this when you’ve finished. And I must add that this won’t be the only time I’ll write on this topic. Be forewarned. It’s near and dear to my heart.
You see, the number above is a best guess estimate of the number of orphans in the world today. There are 8 million people in New York, 3.8 million in LA, 2.8 million in Chicago, and another 2 million in Houston. Think of these 4 cities of just 16 million populated entirely with children: babies, toddlers, four year old little girls, 8 year old little boys, and young teens with no parents or permanent loving adults to love and coach and guide. The number 143 million is beyond comprehension.
One of the best ways I have found to build friendships is to ask good questions. Asking questions not only communicates that I am interested in the other person but in the process of listening to their responses I find that I learn so much.
In experiencing the Empty Nest I’ve had so many questions. And I’ve wished I had asked more questions of others just a little bit ahead of me in this journey.
What about you? What questions would you like to ask a friend?
Her long white hair was usually tied up in a bun. A twinkle in her deep blue eyes revealed a well of joy and perhaps mischievousness. Even though she was already ninety six, she still met weekly with twelve young mothers she had been mentoring for nearly a dozen years. Widowed at 62, she had poured her life into caring for others and teaching the Bible.
She’s one of my heroes. She was my mother-in-law. When I think of her I think of her in two postures. One is talking on the phone. Faithfully she called her four children, their spouses and her 15 grandchildren.
“What’s happening in your life? How can I pray for you?” or “Are you in love with that boy yet?” She had a way of getting right to the point.
For those of you who love great music, who love the timeless hymns of the faith, I hope you have discovered the new modern hymns being written by a young couple from Ireland. Keith and Kristyn Getty are fulfilling one of God’s purposes for their lives as they compose new hymns. These hymns have easy to sing tunes for today’s church. The Getty’s are not stage performers. They are leading men, women and children from all nations to join as one in worship and it is wonderful to see.
Recently, Keith and Kristyn joined us at a conference. As we sang one of their hymns titled, “Speak, O Lord”, I thought of us empty nest women.
Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny. (Author unknown)
When our five children were small we taught them a prayer at the breakfast table. We called it our “Good Morning Prayer” and it went like this:
Good morning dear Lord
This is your day
I am your child
Please show me your way.
This prayer wasn’t original with us. It had been handed down for several generations to many families. But it captured the sense with which we wanted to begin our day.
