“Many of the problems contemporary Christian families struggle with are rooted in misunderstood and mismanaged anger. Few tasks in the area of marriage and family life are more important than correcting this widespread anger mismanagement.”
“People are 100 percent responsible for their lives 100 percent of the time. Yet what spouses do or don’t do has a direct influence on the situation. A wife can certainly make matters worse, but she can also make matters better.”
“Ask yourself: Does the action I am considering have any potential for dealing with the wrong and helping the relationship? And is it best for the person at whom I am angry? The two most constructive options are either to confront the person in a helpful way, or to consciously decide to overlook the matter.”
“Most of us follow the patterns we learned in childhood by observing our parents or other significant adults. These patterns tend to cluster around two extremes: verbal or physical venting on the one hand, or withdrawal and silence on the other. Both are destructive.”
“In processing anger toward someone with whom you have a relationship, two questions are paramount: 1) Is my response positive—does it have the potential for dealing with the wrong and healing the relationship? 2) Is my response loving—is it designed for the benefit of the person at whom I am angry?”
“A wife does not have to hit her husband to exploit him violently. She can cut him to ribbons with her words. She can make him feel that he is subhuman. Spousal abuse, whether it is physical or emotional, devastates a relationship.”
“Proverbs tells us, ‘Do not answer a fool as his folly deserves, lest he be wise in his own eyes’ (26:5). In other words, don’t be naive. We are called to use the highest degree of wisdom in knowing whether to rebuke or to remain silent.”
"(Regarding the ‘crazy cycle’) both of these people love each other a great deal. They do not mean real harm; they do not intend real evil toward one another. They are hurt and angry, but they still care deeply for one another.”
“Anger is one of the greatest gifts God has given our emotional system. It’s one of the things that put courage into our convictions, resolve into our aspirations, and tenacity into our actions. It is a holy loathing that keeps us from surrendering strongholds to the moral enemies of the soul. You can’t love without anger. But you can be angry without love. That’s when anger turns toxic.”
“Much of the dysfunction in contemporary Christian families is rooted in misunderstood and mismanaged anger. Few tasks in the area of marriage and family life are more important than correcting this widespread anger mismanagement.”
“Most wives have little idea the depth of painful feelings men have when disrespected. Men don’t display a crushed countenance and begin to cry. Instead, they get angry, go silent and withdraw. Or they attack with words of disrespect, seeking to equalize things. This goes over the heads of most wives. Instead, these women feel even more unloved.”
“Adultery or any form of sexual immorality should be viewed as a serious breaking of the covenant of marriage … Few adulterers want to do much more than patch a leaky boat … He should be under the careful and passionate eyes of a mature group of believers and a therapist.”
"Often, couples instinctively turn on each other, rather than courageously turning to each other in order to build confidence and security. Instead of the marriage relationship being a haven in the storm, it becomes the storm itself."
You should be commended for seeking wisdom on how to deal with anger in a godly way.
Read any of the online articles listed in this guide. Read the articles first for yourself and choose one or two that seem to apply to your situation. Then let's discuss this material together.
Read any of the scriptures of help and hope in this guide and let's discuss.
Seek safety if the anger is potentially causing physical danger to you or your children.
Remember that anger itself is not necessarily wrong. It can be an indication that something is wrong. How you handle the anger is the key.
Put your thoughts down on paper if it helps diffuse the strong emotions involved.
When you try to discuss delicate issues with your spouse, remember that timing is often as important as words.
Confide in your pastor or a Christian counselor in your area if you need biblical guidance, local resources, or professional help.
Seek to understand the underlying issues or "idols of the heart" that are causing the outbursts of anger (James 4:1-2). What unmet, selfish desires are there?
Search your heart for any bitterness that is there, confess it, and release it to God
Remember that you cannot change your spouse, only God can do that
Remember that while you cannot single-handedly bring healing to your marriage, if you will begin to change then God can bring your spouse toward you
Set healthy boundaries and learn constructive ways to express yourself
Be patient because change takes time... but it can happen with God's power.
Seek accountability from outside sources if necessary.
Be courageous and lovingly confront areas that do not reflect God’s design for your marriage.