Growing to Sexual Maturity–Son
About the Guest
Ever wonder how you're going to talk to your son about the birds and the bees? On today's broadcast, Dennis Rainey helps your sons understand God's plan for sex.
Dennis RaineyDennis Rainey cofounded FamilyLife®, a ministry of Cru®. Since the organization began in 1976 through 2017, Dennis’ leadership enabled FamilyLife to grow into a dynamic and vital ministry in more than 109 countries around the world helping families discover the joy God intended for their relationships with God, spouse, and kids. Dennis has authored or co-authored more than 35 books, including best-selling Moments Together for Couples and Staying Close and has received two Golden Medallion...more
Dennis Rainey helps your sons understand God’s plan for sex.
Growing to Sexual Maturity–Son
Bob: Hi, this is Bob Lepine from FamilyLife Today. On today's edition of the broadcast, we're going to have an opportunity to hear Dennis Rainey make a presentation to preteens about the whole area of sexuality in marriage. It's a candid and frank discussion and one that may not be appropriate for younger listeners. As we begin today's broadcast, here is Dennis Rainey with a preview.
Dennis: I want to pull you back to the big picture, and I want us to look at what the Bible has to say about why God created sex. Because if you don't understand why He created it, then you're going to really miss the blessing of this mysterious area of your life.
Bob: This is FamilyLife Today. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. I, Hi Today we're going to hear Dennis with some straight talk for preteens about the area of sex in marriage – stay with us.
And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition. We're talking this week about our children becoming adolescents, and we're doing it with the co-author of the book, "Parenting Today's Adolescent."
Dennis: Aren't you wondering why I'm wearing sunglasses in the studio today, Bob?
Bob: You walked in here with those on, and I thought …
Dennis: They're dark sunglasses.
Bob: They are dark. I can't see a thing. Can you see anything?
Dennis: That's the idea, Bob.
Bob: I know the reason you've got them, and that's because today we're going to have the talk – the talk – with a young man who is on the verge of adolescence.
Dennis: What is it about talking about human sexuality and reproduction that no matter how many times you've had the talk, no matter how many times you've gone over the facts of life and the details of how two people become one flesh, and the reproductive terminology that goes along with it – why is it that it's so difficult, Bob? But it is for all of us, and we kidded about it here, but I love what Howard Hendricks used to say in his Christian Home class at Dallas Seminary when I was a student. He said, "We should not be ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create."
Bob: That's right. What we're going to be hearing today comes from a resource kit that we put together called Passport to Purity. It's designed to provide a complete weekend getaway in a box for a mom or a dad to take a daughter or a son away for a weekend and to talk about the issues that are coming up during adolescence and begin thinking through how you're going to respond to some of these issues. And a part of that weekend is having that candid conversation just to, once again, talk about human sexuality, reproduction, helping them understand what's going on in their own body to protect them but also to give them a sense of the wonder and the majesty of God at creating this.
Dennis: You know, this is the way it was intended to occur, Bob, that the facts of life and of human reproduction be discussed by a father and a son openly and honestly with, yes, some red faces maybe, and a little bit of bowed heads, maybe, and some sweaty palms but nonetheless it was meant to be discussed intimately in the home, in the family.
Bob: You know, one of the things I do when I'm speaking on this subject is I ask the folks there – "How many of you first heard about the facts of life from someone in school, a schoolteacher, was the first one to explain it to you?" And there will be a few hands that will go up. "How many of you first heard about it from your mom or your dad?" Again, only a few hands go up. "How many of you first heard about it from your peer group?" Eighty percent of the room, the hands go up. That's not how it ought to be.
Dennis: I'll never forget walking along a snow-covered road – in fact, I can still take you to the road and where I was walking with ol' Jimmy Fletcher. Jimmy gave me the lowdown. I was in the eighth grade, Bob, it was a little slower back then than it is today.
Bob: And Jimmy was in the eighth grade, too?
Dennis: Jimmy was a year older, so, you know …
Bob: He was an expert.
Dennis: He was an expert, and it might be interesting today to even know what I was told, but I couldn't believe it. Now, think about that – that an eighth grader would be told. Well, today, you can't wait until the eighth grade, unfortunately, because of our culture this is really the key age – age 10, 11, 12, 13 – I think they've got to have a clear explanation, and it's always good to hear someone else talk about the facts of life because we all kind of talk about it in different ways and cover different facets of it.
Bob: Well, this session we're going to hear on the broadcast today actually comes after you've talked with the guys about the changes that go on in their body during adolescence, and then you get to letter D, and you jump right into the subject. And before we begin this portion of the broadcast, let me let our listeners know a couple of things. First of all, this material may not be appropriate for younger listeners. You'll want to use some discretion as parents. Secondly, we have done some significant editing to get this ready for the broadcast. So as you hear Dennis go through this material, there will be a lot that you're not hearing as well, and at some points you may hear him actually jump over some material. That's because it wouldn't be appropriate for us to include on the broadcast but would be appropriate for you to share with your son, obviously.
So let's listen together as Dennis Rainey explains to young men about sexual intercourse.
[Passport to Purity segment]
Dennis: Okay, letter D – what is sexual intercourse? Most likely, you already know about this but, just in case you don't, or by way of review, I thought I would just go through exactly what the definition of sexual intercourse is.
The word "intercourse" literally means to communicate, and to have sexual intercourse is the sexual joining of a husband and a wife once they're married. This is one way we express love and affection in the marriage relationship. It's when two people become one.
Now, most likely, you are aware of the differences of the way God made men and women. God designed us different so that a husband and a wife could fit together. Now, let me explain to you how this happens. The husband and his wife usually go to their bedroom, and they get in bed. They may talk to one another with tender words and share things of appreciation with one another, and then they may end up kissing and cuddling and telling each other how much they love one another. All of that kissing and cuddling and tender words can result in changes to certain private parts of a husband or a wife's body.
Well, after the husband and the wife have been together for a few minutes, this usually results in a pleasurable sensation in both of them. Now, I know that this may sound kind of strange, and you may be saying, "Yeah, really strange." In fact, when I told this to my son, Benjamin, when he was about your age, Benjamin only had one word as a description for what he thought about it all – "weird, Dad, weird." Well, it's not weird. It's a part of how God made us, and it really is a beautiful, beautiful act of love between a husband and a wife in marriage.
Well, that wasn't so bad, after all, was it? What we've been talking about here are more the mechanics of what sexual intercourse is all about. I want to pull you back to the big picture, and I want us to look at what the Bible has to say about why God created sex. Because if you don't understand why He created it, then you're going to really miss the blessing of this mysterious area of your life.
Look in your adventure journal to letter E. What does the Bible say about sex? It's really interesting that the Bible is not silent about sex. It speaks of it not only in terms of God making us as He did, but how we are to enjoy one another in marriage. In fact, God actually dedicated an entire book in the Bible to the whole area of sexual love in marriage. The important thing that God is trying to impress upon us, however, is that he wants us to honor Him in this area of our life.
That leads us to number 1 in your outline – your sexuality is a marvelous creation of God. God designed you the way He did. He made you to be a sexual young man. God isn't blushing about the way He made you or a young lady. No, He said it was very good.
Number 2 in your outline – God designed sex so that children could come into the world. One of the purposes of sex is that so a husband and a wife in a marriage relationship can make a baby and can form a family. God designed sex – now think about this – He designed it to bless us with children. That's how you got here.
Now, having sex one time doesn't always mean that you'll get pregnant. In other words, a husband and a wife who have sexual intercourse don't always end up with a baby. The thing I want to impress upon you is that sex is a gift from God, and He gave it to us so that we could reproduce children. Children are a responsibility. That's why He wants us to be married before we enjoy sex. It is very important for you, as a young man, to understand that you need to save the sex act until marriage because if a baby does come, you want a family to raise that child. You don't want to give birth to a child who doesn't have a mom and dad who are committed to one another.
Number 3, God designed sex so that you could experience closeness with your wife. To enjoy sexual intercourse with your spouse is one of the greatest privileges that you will ever have in marriage. It means that you will know your wife very, very intimately. That's why you'll want to save this gift for your wife. You won't want anyone else to know you except one person, your wife. A person who has never had sex with another person is known as a "virgin." Virginity is a precious gift that God gave you as a young man. You, as a young man, can only give this gift away one time. You know what? That's one of the reasons why you and your dad have gotten away for these days to experience Passport to Purity; to help you protect this gift that God has given you. Your virginity is an important gift that you need to treat as a treasure.
I've got a good friend who told me about his son who was being teased at school one day. As a teenager, all of his buddies were bragging about how they'd had sex, and they were making fun of him because he hadn't experienced it. My friend's son had had enough, and at a point he turned to those other boys, and he said to them, he said, "You know, anytime I want to, I can become like you. I can have a sex with a girl. But you know what? I'm a virgin, and you guys can never again become like me."
You know, that young men understood that he had a gift that he needed to protect and you know what? He did a great job protecting it. I challenge you to do the same. Make a decision over these days to be a virgin when you get married.
Number 4, God designed sex to bring you a great deal of pleasure. I told you earlier that married couples enjoy sexual love. Well, I want you to know, it really is fun. Your mom and dad enjoy being together sexually. God isn't down on sex in marriage. In fact, He encourages husbands and wives to come together in sex. We already talked about this. He dedicated the book called the Song of Solomon to encouraging passion and romance in marriage.
But the danger for you, as a young man, is experiencing something outside of marriage that God designed for you to experience in marriage. There are going to be a lot of young people your age who will be experimenting, trying to see if they can have fun and have this pleasure outside of marriage. Well, you know what? You can do that, but if you do, you will be spoiling a gift that someday I would predict you'll be very, very sorry that you gave away too soon. Save the special gift God has given you for the woman that you will spend the rest of your life with.
One of the things that will happen as you get a little older is you'll become more curious about a girl and her body. There is so much freedom today for young men to give backrubs, to tickle, or even try to get close to a girl's body when playing a game. Just be careful with those things and treat a young lady with the ultimate respect.
Another way you can show a young lady respect, number 2, is keep your sexual desires under control. Now, what do I mean by that – keeping your sexual desires under control? Well, one of the things that's about to take place in your body and your life during adolescence is that you're going to develop what's called a "strong sexual desire." It's something that you're going to have for most of your adult life. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's kind of like being hungry and all you can think about is a juicy cheeseburger and a hot fudge sundae. Except, in this case, the hunger, or the drive, is to think about sex or to think about a girl.
Now, because of this drive, some guys mess around and get into pornography. They start looking and experimenting with pictures of girls who don't have clothes on their body on the Internet or in magazines or movies. Some guys even try to experiment by trying to kiss a girl or touch her. And what makes matters worse, some girls actually flirt, and what they're doing by flirting is trying to attract a young man. And what you must do as a young man is keep your sexual desires under control. God has designed these things for marriage. There will be a time in marriage when you'll be able to express those sexual desires for your wife.
What you need to do right now is make Jesus Christ first in your life and ask Him to give you self-control. Ask God to help you to wait so that you don't spoil what He wants you to experience later on if He gives you a wife. Now, that reminds me of a great verse that's – well, it's worth committing to memory. Let's listen to it.
Man: [singing] The immorality, the immorality, every other sin that a man commits, is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple of the holy Savior who is in you. Do you have from God that you are not your own, that you have been bought with a price. Therefore glorify God in your body, glorify God in your body, glorify God.
[Passport to Purity segment ends]
Bob: Well, that's the talk with Dennis Rainey, and the key verse put to music – that's Colossians 1:18, right, and the whole idea is to reinforce the idea that Jesus Christ wants to have first place in every area of your life including your sexuality.
Dennis: Mm-hm, and, I'll tell you, it's just good again – I said at the beginning of the broadcast, it's just good to hear about it from a Christian perspective, and, you know, if you don't tell your son or daughter these things, the world will.
A number of years ago I was speaking at a FamilyLife marriage conference, and I used to have an overhead slide that I would put on an overhead projector at that point, that I'd turn to the audience at that point, when I was speaking about sex education, and I said, "If you don't instruct your sons or your daughters with a godly perspective of human sexuality, then guess what? The world will," and I had a picture of a mom and a dad picking a baby up and tossing a baby over a fence to the wolves. And it was a picture of what happens when we, by neglect or by our passivity or by our refusal to discuss these tough issues of what happens to a young person. And I'll tell you, Bob, some may think that's too harsh of a picture, but I don't think it is. I think the culture today is vicious, it leaves scars, it hurts. In fact, some of our listeners who have grown into adulthood know exactly what we're talking about because their parents didn't talk to them about sex. They found out about it the hard way from the world.
Bob: Yeah, I had to think, as we were listening today, how many folks are hearing you present this and thinking, "I wish my dad had sat me down and had that talk. I wish my mom had sat me down, and the pain it could have spared me if I had understood that from a biblical perspective." And that's why we're coming to moms and dads now and saying, "Spare your sons and daughters that pain. Prepare them, equip them, arm them," get one of these weekend resource kits and go away and have this Passport to Purity weekend with your son or your daughter.
Dennis: I've got to tell you, this is one of the high holy privileges that is ever given a parent. I mean that. There are not many other events in a lifetime that can even compare to something like this. I cannot begin to describe to you how you feel like, after you've completed this, you have just partnered with God in one of the most glorious events you could ever experience with your flesh and blood.
Bob: Right, and to do it, we've got to get it on the calendar. We've got to go ahead and mark out the time. We've got to plan ahead so that we can accomplish it, and you need to order the Passport to Purity resource and get that in the home. In fact, we already heard this week from a man who had it around for six months before he got the event on the books with his son.
But, you're right, it's a great opportunity for a father, a son, a mother, a daughter, even a single parent. We've heard from a lot of single moms who have taken their sons on a Passport to Purity weekend, or single dads who have done this with their daughters. Is it hard at points? Yeah. Is it awkward? It can be, but it's a great opportunity for a parent and a child to have a heart-to-heart, open conversation about this area of human sexuality. And the resource we've created to help make that easier for all parents is called Passport to Purity. If you need more information about what's available in this resource, go to our website, FamilyLife.com, click the button in the middle of the home page that says "Go," a little red button. You click on that, it will take you right to the page where you can get more information about the CDs that are in this resource, the parent journal, the adventure journal for students. You can read letters from other parents who have gone on this weekend, and we have heard from hundreds of parents who have used this material over the years and found it very helpful not just as a way to accomplish a task but as a way to open communication with your preteen at a critical stage in that son or that daughter's development.
Again, our website is FamilyLife.com, go there and click the red button in the middle of the screen that says "Go." On that page you'll find more information about Passport to Purity and about a whole variety of resources we have available here at FamilyLife that are designed to help you as you get ready for and as you go through the teen years with your son or your daughter. If you'd prefer, you can call 1-800-FLTODAY, that's 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone on our team can let you know how you can get a copy of Passport to Purity and some of the other resources that are available that may be of interest to you as well.
Again, the phone number – 1-800-358-6329 – 1-800-FLTODAY, or go online at FamilyLife.com.
Let me take just a minute here, if I can, to say a word of thanks to the listeners who help support the ministry of FamilyLife Today with donations. I don't know if all of our listeners realize this, but as a listener-supported ministry, what we mean by that is more than 60 percent of the funds that we need to operate year in and year out come from donations from listeners, from families just like you. Your donations to FamilyLife Today are what keep us on the air, and they are what enable us to keep our website up and going, to help us create new resources, to help families. Really, all that we do here at FamilyLife is undergirded by the financial support that comes from donations from folks like you.
During the month of June, we wanted to say thank you to any of you who are able to help with a donation of any amount this month by sending you a CD that features more than an hour of conversation we had with Elyse Fitzpatrick, the author of a book called "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat." We talked about everything from diets to eating disorders, and she really helped us understand this subject from a more biblical perspective. The CD is our way of saying thank you for your financial support of any amount this month. You can make a donation online, if you'd like, and if you're doing that, as you fill out the donation form, you'll come to a keycode box. Just type the word "eat" in that keycode box, and we'll know that you'd like to have the CD sent to you. Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, make a donation over the phone and mention that you'd like a copy of the audio CD. We'll get that sent out to you as well. Again, it's our way of saying thank you for partnering with us financially here at FamilyLife Today. We really appreciate your support.
Well, tomorrow we're going to continue talking about what parents need to do to prepare their sons and their daughters for the issues that children are going to face as they move through adolescence, and we want to talk about sexual purity. What we want to talk about is helping your son or your daughter hold a high standard in that area. We'll go over that tomorrow, I hope you can be back with us for that.
I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We hope you'll be back with us tomorrow for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.
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