Does Your Wife Feel Cherished? How Humility in Marriage Changes Everything: Rechab Gray and Ike Todd

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Does Your Wife Feel Cherished? How Humility in Marriage Changes Everything

Guests:Rechab Gray and Ike Todd

From the series:How to Lead Your Wife (Day 3 of 3)

Air date:January 23, 2026

Ike (00:04):

When I was just courting her, I used a diamond illustration with her, and I was telling her that I found a diamond and she held onto that. And later in our marriage, she told me, I don’t feel like I’m that diamond anymore. You used to really, I can tell the way you looked at me, the way you desired me, the way you took care of me. You were gentle with me. I was a diamond at one point, and I don’t feel like I’m a diamond anymore.

Dave (00:43):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:49):

And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave (00:59):

All right, no women in the studio, just us men talking about how to love our wives. We’ve got Rechab Gray and Ike Todd back for day three, and we’re going to dig into some good stuff. So let’s go. Do you think husbands and wives who are struggling run away from that kind of community? They’re afraid of it. They don’t want somebody to get in there and see how bad they’re really doing?

Ike (01:26):

Well yeah, darkness hates the light.

Dave (01:27):

Yeah.

Ike (01:27):

Oh yeah.

Rechab (01:28):

That lack of community, not wanting any, I think that’s normally led by dudes because usually—

Ike (01:33):

—women will accept it in a heartbeat. They desire it.

Rechab (01:35):

They want it because they so want to submit to their husbands because they’re usually godly women. They sit quietly hoping that a dude from the outside will come and grab hold of their husband and begin to lead him and disciple him. Please come invade our relationship. We know we need it. And it’s the dude who’s almost like, I got it. I got this, I got this. And it’s super, super, super dangerous.

Ike (02:03):

Yeah, it’s really stubborn. It’s a hard heart. And I think we all got a deal with that.

Rechab (02:07):

Without a doubt.

Ike:

I remember our first big fight in our very first year of marriage, and she was suggesting that we talk to you, and I didn’t want that at all. Not even close, but we did. You called me out, and that changed everything for me. It humbles you, but it’s a meekness. It actually strengthens you.

Rechab:

Come on, man.

Ike:

It just makes everything better. And your wife feels much more loved.

Rechab:

Yes.

Dave (02:44):

And she feels safe.

Ike (02:45):

She feels safe.

Dave (02:46):

Because she’s got a man that’s humble enough to receive.

Ike (02:49):

Yes.

Dave (02:49):

Yeah. I think that’s a definition of a godly man is the willingness and humility to receive correction. I remember there’s guy playing in the NFL right now that I ended up in a relationship with as a mentor, and he was making some bad decisions. I can’t mention his name, but I remember telling Ann one night, I’m calling him and I’m letting him have it. Trust me, he’s asked me for it. I’m going to let him have it. And man, she heard me downstairs. She goes, whoa, you did not hold back. And I’m saying things, and I remember I looked at Ann and I said, well, we’ll see. If he does what I said, he will save his life. And the next day I’m playing golf with somebody—and I don’t talk about any of this to anybody. They don’t even know this, and this guy is really well known, and some guy’s playing golf. And he looks at the film, and he goes, Hey, so-and-so just got off all of social media. And that’s literally one of the things I said that night. I said, dude, you got to get off this.

Rechab (03:51):

Wow.

Dave (03:51):

And I remember thinking, okay, he has a chance. And that guy is thriving today, not just as a NFL player,

Rechab (03:56):

Hallelujah.

Dave (03:57):

But in his marriage and as a dad.

Rechab (03:59):

Praise the living God.

Dave (03:59):

And it was one of those moments whereas a man, our wives are going to follow us when they see us do that because we’re submitting to the Father, we’re submitting to another brother. I remember one time I was sitting beside my best friend at his high school daughter’s basketball game. And dude, this guy, he played college football. Rob, he’s a great guy. He is yelling at these refs to the fact that the ref kept looking at him like, this dude is a jerk. And I’m sitting beside him like, dude. And finally after the game was over, we walk out in the lobby, I go, let me tell you something, dude. You’re not going to like this. You were absolutely inappropriate. I said, to be a man of God and treat another person like that. I said, your daughter was embarrassed. And he looks at me like, what? I’m like, I’m just telling you, dude, you need to check yourself. That was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to sit beside you. I mean, I was like, should I say this? He called me about two hours later and he goes, thank you, man. You were right. I didn’t realize I got way too caught up. I needed a brother to tell me that. And I’m watching his wife. She’s like, I’ll follow you anywhere. Not me, him, because he’s willing to receive correction. And we think wives submit to your husband? It’s like if we’re not submitting, not that they have the license not to, but it’s a lot harder to do that.

Well, let me ask you this. When have you failed at this: loving, leading, cherishing, nourishing? I’ll lead with this. And then I want to hear your story.

(05:27):

And our listeners have heard this, and I won’t go into all the details, but there was a night 20 some years ago. We’ve been married 45 years now. So it was somewhere when we had kids in the home. And I came home after a Sunday night, a weekend, which for me at that time was crazy. Two preaching twice on Saturday, then doing Lions chapel Saturday night, then preaching three times, then going into the game, being on the sideline, coming home. So I’m exhausted and I’m crawling in bed, just exhausted, don’t want to talk. Hey. And Ann says, as I’m laying my head on a pillow—I don’t think you guys have heard this. Our listeners, again, have heard this because it’s in our book and I think it’s in her last book. She probably talked about this, but she literally says under her breath, man, I wish the guy that led our church lived here.

Rechab (06:11):

Oh, wow.

Dave (06:12):

And again, I’m laying there. I’m like, I’m not even sure what I heard her say. What’d you just say?

(06:17):

And she just says something to the effect of, man, I watched you this morning at church preaching and praying and casting vision. You’re on fire and you lead with this passion. She goes, you don’t bring any of that home. And I wish I could tell you guys I just said, I need to hear that I need— I jumped out of bed, pretty loudly I said, let me tell you something. I know the husband’s in this church. You got the best one in the whole stinking church right here, and you don’t even appreciate it. I was just like, you got to be kidding me. And that’s how it ended. Went to bed, didn’t talk, woke up. Next day I’m in my little home office and I’m sitting there and I go, God, were you speaking to me last night through Ann? And I felt like he said, yep. And what I realized is she was right. I lead strong in the ministry. It’s like your job. I bring it. I come home, I’m tired. I’m almost like, come on, you got this right. You’ll pray with the boys, you’ll put them to bed. Come on. This is a place I can rest. And I felt like God said, the most important people in your life that need to be loved and led by you are named Ann, CJ, Austin, and Cody. And you’re doing that for thousands of people that you don’t even know their names. And I’ve called you to do that. These are your disciples. And I remember getting on my knees and saying, okay, God, I need to—it was a step-up moment like, I can do this. When I drive in my driveway, I need to shift gears and say, okay, I know I’m tired, but it doesn’t matter. I am called to love and nourish and cherish and lead her and the boys. Let’s go. Have you failed in any areas where you had to have a Jesus moment?

Rechab (07:55):

I could tell my life changing, marriage changing, everything changing story for me was this was probably like I said, that third or fourth year of marriage. And I remember because I’m used to using words. This is before, by the way, I was even a preacher like that. But I don’t know, maybe being so quiet, help me with words or whatever. But so I can always out argue my wife who’s more quiet, insanely brilliant by the way. And that’s the other thing about our wives, they not like, this isn’t weakness, this is meekness, this is strength that doesn’t have to be shown off. And that really matters, by the way. But a lot of times she’ll just let me have the win for the argument just for the sake of arguing. One day she challenged me on something, I can’t even remember what it was. I out argued her again, one, I was walking outside. This is when we in Philly and I was walking down my sidewalk, and it was literally, I don’t know another way to say it. It’s like, God stopped me on that sidewalk. I’m sure somebody was watching it like, yo, this is weird. Why did he just stop?

Dave (09:09):

He just like physically literally stopped.

Rechab (09:10):

Physically. I was walking down a sidewalk and I stopped, and I can’t explain this, but it was super clear in my soul, you’re arguing your way out of my conviction. I walked back inside, I apologize. And I say, I’m not going to say a word. I need to understand what you’re saying to me. And for the rest of our marriage, that has been a thing of like my wife’s not a talker. So sometimes she’ll give a little space in conversation when all four of us together, she’s the quietest one. And so I’ll literally have to be like, you were saying something. I have toDave (09:50):

Draw it out.

Rechab (09:51):

Draw it out. Because otherwise she was just like, okay, y’all got it. But yet, a lot of times it’ll be what she say that’ll shift the whole meeting seriously. But you’re not going to get a lot of that from her unless you draw it out. And so I literally have to do that so often. But when I say, up until that point in our marriage, I would argue my way with Bible, by the way. That’s the danger man with Bible out of conviction. Like she said it in a worst way. And so I can beat her just on wordsmithing, and I argued my way out of a lot of conviction. And that day, I don’t remember what she even was challenging me on. I remember the Lord arresting me on that sidewalk. And for the rest of my life, not only for me, but for other brothers that I’ve been able to lead, I can tell when guys have the gift of gab, and it’s like, yo, be careful of that. You could do the same thing I did for years. You’re going to be able to out argue your wife and you’re going to miss a lot of what the Lord wants to transform in you.

Dave (10:53):

It’s like he shut down her spirit

Rechab (10:56):

And now she doesn’t even want to give that anymore. And that’s a haunting place to be man. And so I praise the living God that that’s been able to be something changed. But when I say that that is detrimental, and I still got the tendency, seriously have that tendency, I can see it riling up. I’m so mad at the conviction. Let me figure a way to out argue you. And in those moments, it is only the spirit of God that can restrain me. So that’s my major.

Dave (11:27):

I mean, in some ways that’s living with her in an understanding way. You understand how she’s wired and you’re saying, my role is I got to bring that out of her. And that means shut up sometimes.

Rechab (11:39):

But you know how hard it is to bring out of somebody what’s hurting you, like hurting you to help you and make you holy. But it still hurt. It is a stinger. That’s the toughest thing in the world, and it’s been the most transformative, without a doubt.

Dave (11:53):

That’s good. How about you, Ike, anything?

Ike (11:54):

Very similar. One thing that came to mind was I think it was kind of off the cuff. She just said one day, I feel like I got to come to you, I have to have my argument tight, or I got to have all my ducks in order to come to you to talk about something. And that just crushed me because up until that point, I thought I was doing the opposite.

(12:19):

And that just really, really crushed me. To this day, that just rings in my mind. So I always want to create the space for her to no, bring whatever and say it however you need to. You don’t need to sound like you an expert or whatever. Just say what you got to say. And my wife is good at saying what she got to say, but that was pivotal. There was another time though, when I was just courting her. I used a diamond illustration with her, and I was telling her that I found a diamond and she held onto that. And later in our marriage, she told me, I don’t feel like I’m that diamond anymore. You used to really, I can tell the way you looked at me, the way you desired me, the way you took care of me, you were gentle with me. I was a diamond at one point, and I don’t feel like I’m a diamond anymore. And that was really tough for me to hear. That was tough.

Dave (13:23):

I mean, did you change?

Ike (13:25):

Yeah. Yeah. I change, but I think that’s what I’m trying to articulate when I say that struggle between leadership and love. Because in my mind the way, and I know that it’s not necessarily the correct the way I’m defining it in my heart, but when I think about leadership in my natural kind of way, I really am kind of heavy handed. And so I really a lot of times overcorrect and try to be really gentle with my wife. When it’s times like this where it’s like, yeah, I do need to be gentle. She is that diamond. But somehow I go past that and it just gets messed up. Paul, what Paul talks about when saying the difficulty in trying to please God or please your wife, a lot of times I can fall into pleasing my wife rather than trying to please God. So it is a slippery slope with me and my personality. But the beautiful thing about my wife is she’s patient with me and I think she understands the struggle that I have. She knows that I’m heavy handed, and sometimes she’ll just come straight out and tell me, I need you to be hard on me with this. So I got a wonderful wife who wants to submit to my leadership, wants to follow me, and has a pretty good understanding of that struggle that I have. She helps me in leading her.

Dave (14:47):

Yeah, I know that when you say that she doesn’t feel like the diamond anymore. I think—I’m going to make a generalization. Hopefully it’s wrong—the majority of wives don’t feel like the diamond anymore, and I know we feel the same thing on our side. Yeah. Well, she doesn’t respect me, but I don’t see a lot of wives just blooming, as we said at the beginning, in their church, Christian marriages. Those are the ones I’m looking at. And again, I can’t judge, but if you ask the average wife, man, do I feel loved as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her? I don’t think so. My husband’s pretty selfish. He’s thinking about himself more than that. And I think the sad thing is, I think Ann would say that for many years of our marriage, and that’s on me. I want her to submit, and I’m not willing to submit to the Father or love her in a way that brings out the beauty of who she is and get lazy. You lose your first love. You get apathetic. You don’t date. You don’t talk. You—I mean, I’m saying my marriage right there, and I want her man 45 years in to be blooming like the greatest joy of my life is being married to this guy. He sees me and appreciates me. And you’re a diamond, and I’m hoping men are listening going, oh man, what would my wife say? That’d be a great assignment. Say, does your wife feel like a precious jewel by the way you love her? Because if she does, submission’s not going to be hard.

Ike (16:23):

Right.

Dave (16:24):

Not for her.

Ike (16:25):

Yep.

Dave (16:25):

She’ll be running to say, I’ll submit because I know you’re following Jesus and you’re loving me. That’s easy. Yeah. Okay, guys, we’ve got a quick question. How would you honestly rate your marriage on a scale of one to 10? That’s a scary thing. I don’t even want to ask you to do it because it doesn’t always go well.

Ann (16:49):

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Dave (17:01):

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Ann (17:22):

Wow, that’s really cool, isn’t it? We’ve been doing this for the last 40 years, and we’ve seen so many marriages impacted for the glory of God and the health of relationships, and we want to see that for you too.

Dave (17:35):

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Any last words? If you had a husband saying, okay, how do I love my wife like Christ loves the church? Is there anything you haven’t said?

Rechab (18:01):

Yeah, I think the stuff I reiterate is I do think wives feel more safety in community. Don’t think you can love by yourself. You need other men who can challenge the way you’re loving because you might even be thinking you’re loving, but that might just be a product of your environment. And maybe your father was disconnected emotionally.

Dave (18:24):

Yeah.

Rechab (18:24):

So you’re just passing that on, but that’s the only thing you know. Well, you need a guy who has learned to be emotionally connected to speak into that. And I think there’s safety in that. And the other thing I would say is I think that there are wives who so desire this who I’m sure who are listening right now. I want to feel like that diamond, but I don’t. And I think there’s husbands who want their wife to feel like that, but for a myriad of reasons, they’re not there yet. Both the husband and the wife have a wonderful Savior to look to, that wives are called to submit to their own husbands as unto the Lord.

Ike (19:06):

Exactly.

Rechab (19:07):

Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. And in both of those things, the wives are submitting ultimately to a savior and a husband who didn’t just say words but gave his life. And the husband is trying to model the savior who died not only for the wife, but also for the husband’s sins as well. And there’s always a good time to start, which is today, to change those things to look at the Savior for which your true redemption and restoration can come. And I’m a firm genuine believer that when we repent and turn ourselves both to the Savior and say whatever it takes, whatever it takes, if it means I got to get my life vulnerable before some dudes, if it means I got to repent of some past practices and it makes me look really small now, if it means I got to get out of some unhealthy relationships with some men who don’t push me towards a culture of loving my wife because we know that there are those circles too. Whatever it takes, man, I believe God is not only able to restore it back to the time we got married, but far, far, far beyond that, and I’m living proof of that.

Ike (20:18):

Yeah, I was going in the same direction, man. It’s Christ. Christ has to be the center. And for the guy in particular, man, you really got to question how much you love the Lord. Because one day, whether you are intentional about seeking it out or not, somebody’s going to come to you with some correction and it’s going to be from the Lord. And you’ll discover your heart in that moment because it’s almost like what you was describing, a guy who took all the social media stuff down. It’s like we’ve had those experiences where we tell someone to do the thing that we know they do not want to do. Break the video game system, throw away this phone or whatever it is. At that point, how much do you really love the Lord? How much do you really seek after the Lord? Are you willing to get rid of these idols? The thing is, if you’re going to love your wife well, you’re going to have to really lean into the Lord and be seeking after him. Without that, then yeah, there’s no chance. And you need to know that about yourself, about your own heart. I don’t have a chance of loving my wife well at all.

Dave (21:33):

I think it’s really interesting when you study the passage in Ephesians 5, which I missed this for decades. I don’t know if you realize, you probably do because you’re a Bible memorization guy. Verse one of Ephesians 5, I believe is the context for verse 25, love your wives as Christ love church. He says, imitate Christ as beloved children.

Ike (21:57):

There you go.

Dave (21:57):

And when you look up imitate in the Greek, it’s copy, it’s mimic.

Ike (22:01):

Yes.

Dave (22:01):

It’s like our lives should copy or look just like we mimic Jesus. And then when I teach this, I’m like, okay, so if you’re honest, you’re like, I can’t do—me copy. Somebody’s got to look at my life and think I’m Jesus. No, that’s impossible. And then 16 verses later, he says, here’s how. Do not get drunk on wine. That’s a waste of time. Be filled with the Holy Spirit, which is what you said, I can’t do it. I have to have the Holy Spirit of God literally empower and control me, fill me. And then out of that comes to context of speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Wives submit to your husband, submit to one another in the fear of Christ, wife, submit to your husband’s husband. It’s all out of what you just said. I cannot do this without the power, the living power, the res of Christ living in me, empowering me to imitate God by loving my wife as Christ loved the church, submitting to my husband because he’s submitting to Christ. It’s all out of that. So at the end of the day, it’s like, guess what guys? You got to fall on your face and say,

(23:02):

I am absolutely. I’m a selfish jerk dude who wants my wife to do what I want her to do.

Ike:

You have to say those exact words.

Dave:

I cannot be selfless without the power of God until I submit and literally let him flow and live through me. I’ll never love her like that. And she’ll never respect or love me the same way. But if we do together or if she never does, I still can. I got to go there. So guys, if you’re listening, you’re like, I want my wife—forget your wife. Get your stinking butt on your knees and say, I’m going to love Jesus like the way he wants me to do it. And if my wife follows, she will. And if not, I’m still going to do this. And guess what? She will. She will.

Rechab (23:41):

Without a doubt, bro.

Dave (23:42):

She is begging God for you to change.

Ike:

Exactly.

Dave:

When you do that, that’s leadership.

Ike:

Yep, absolutely.

Dave:

Thanks guys.

Ike:

Amen.

Dave:

Hopefully that encouraged husbands, I hope wives listened and are saying to their husbands, you got to listen to this. This was gold and will help you as a husband love your wife as Christ loved the church and the way God’s called us to do. By the way, you can watch the whole thing on our YouTube channel. Just search FamilyLife Today. It’s pretty—well, it’s not as pretty as when the women were here, but here we are. You can watch the whole conversation on YouTube. Before we’re done today, let me just say this. We meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that’s what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.

Ann (24:36):

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Dave (24:47):

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