Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here’s How to Fight the Drift – Dave & Ann Wilson

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here’s How to Fight the Drift

Guests:Dave and Ann Wilson

From the series:Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here’s How to Fight the Drift

(Day 1 of 1)

Air date:February 3, 2026

Dave (00:04):

You go into marriage, thinking, “We’ll have a great marriage—if she does her half; I do my half—it’ll work. And the person who says he’ll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. The truth is: you overestimate what you’re putting in and underestimate what they’re putting in.

Ann (00:29):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave (00:35):

And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave: Okay, I got a question for you. There’s nobody else in the studio but us today; nobody’s going to hear your answer except me. What were you surprised about when we got married; or maybe, even shocked? First thing comes to your mind; give me an answer: “How amazing your husband was.”

Ann (01:06):

How dysfunctional you were—honestly, that was what I thought—“Wow! He is so messed up.” And it wasn’t until a few years later that I thought, “Oh, I am really messed up, too.” What about you?

Dave (01:25):

We said this before: when we went to the Weekend to Remember®—FamilyLife’s marriage getaway—our first exposure to FamilyLife two weeks before our wedding. I think I was shocked that we sat there, thinking, “We’ll have no problems. Marriage will be awesome; it’ll be easy; it’ll be wonderful. We love Jesus; we love each other.” I’m just shocked that we never even considered the baggage we both were bringing in—especially me, with two alcoholic parents; divorce; my brother dying as a little boy—none of that seemed relevant. It’s like, “Ah, it’s all in the past. It’s done; it’s over. We’re going to get married. It’s going to be easy; it’s going to be wonderful.” I was bringing a U-Haul semi-truck of junk into our marriage.

Ann (02:11):

And so was I.

Let me ask you, as a viewer and as a listener: “Do you remember a point in your marriage that reality set in, and you weren’t looking at your spouse with rose-colored glasses?” Because I think every one of us hits a point in marriage. Don’t you think every person does?

Dave (02:31):

Everyone.

Ann: Everyone.

Dave: Hopefully, it’s not on the honeymoon; but it could be.

Ann (02:34):

It could be. For some, it does happen on the honeymoon. That’s scary to have those thoughts; because you think, “Oh, I married the wrong person.”

Dave (02:42):

Yeah, and you think they’re the problem. I did anyway; I thought you were the problem.

Ann (02:47):

Oh, I thought you were the problem.

Dave (02:48):

You told me.

Ann (02:49):

I did tell you, often. I thought that, if you would change, I could be happy. I think that’s what most of us can think in marriage: “If he would just change this, this,” or “…do this, or this, I could be happy”; and that’s not the truth.

Or maybe, this happens—because not everyone may be totally disappointed in their spouse, but life just happens—disappointment in life, or sickness, or health issues, or trauma of some sort happens. We naturally—and this is where we’re going—we naturally, when that happens, drift away from each other. Whether it’s disappointment in each other or just hard, busy lives, we tend—and we will—drift apart.

Dave (03:33):

One of the things we say at the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® is: “Every marriage is moving toward oneness, which is God’s goal; or drifting toward isolation.”

So let’s talk, and you can do an evaluation of your marriage. Today, we’re going to talk about what we would call “Three Threats to Oneness” or “Three Things that Cause You to Drift.” I think, as you watch us or listen, I would evaluate your marriage.

Ann: Me too.

Dave: Maybe, you’re sitting there with your spouse; and you guys can talk about it. If not, take notes; and then, talk about it tonight.

Ann (04:06):

Or send it to your spouse and listen. Or if you’re engaged, this would be interesting to know before you get married.

Dave (04:12):

Oh, every engaged couple, seriously-dating couple, should be listening right now, and watching, and preparing. This will happen to you, even though I know you love each other so much. “This’ll never happen,”—it’s going to happen. And it’s not a bad thing!

Ann: No! It’s life!

Dave: It’s actually going to drive you closer together as you navigate through this. But if you don’t see it coming, you’re going to be derailed.

Ann (04:35):

And hopefully, it will make you realize your need for Jesus.

Dave (04:38):

Alright. Here’s the first threat to oneness: “Unrealistic Expectations.” I almost said, “Just expectations”; but most of the time, they’re unrealistic. You don’t even realize you have these expectations. You know what the gap is between reality and expectations?—that gap is called “disappointment.” We bring in these expectations.

Let’s talk about a couple of them: One would be: “Feelings will stay hot after you’re married.” Is that true?

Ann (05:09):

I think they can stay hot for a while and kind of go up and down, but going up and down is very natural. I wish somebody would’ve said that; because when my feelings started to wane, and go down, or dissipate, I thought, “Oh, no; we’re falling out of love. Does that mean we’re ending? Does that mean we’re bad?” I think that’s really normal for that to happen; don’t you?

Dave (05:32):

Yeah; I think couples that experience disappointment, what they’re experiencing is: “I used to feel this about her…I don’t feel that anymore. I married the wrong person,” or “We made a mistake.” What they need to know is that’s normal! That’s reality; that’s life! You’re not going to feel the same things that you once felt, and your love’s not based on a feeling. It’s based on a covenant: “I made a promise. And whether I feel like it or not, I’m going to stay. I’m going to love her, and I’m going to serve her, even when I don’t want to.”

Ann (06:04):

Well, when we were going to college, I was at the University of Kentucky. You were at Ball State in Indiana. You would finish a football game in the fall, as you’re a player. You would call me, and say, “I have to see you this weekend. I have to see you.” It’s Saturday evening, because you’ve already had the game. You’ve already been in the locker room, so it’s like four o’clock; maybe, five o’clock. And you’d say, “I’m driving to see you,” which is—how far was it?

Dave (06:31):

Three and a half hours.

Ann (06:32):

—three and a half—you would get in your car, and you would drive to Lexington, Kentucky. I was like, “He’s so amazing. Look at this guy: he goes all out in his love for me. He shows me all the time.” You did that during the whole football season for home games.

Dave (06:48):

Seven-/eight-hour round trip—

Ann (06:50):

—because you’d go back that night.

Dave (06:52):

—for an hour-and-a-half moment to look in your eyes, and say, “I love you.”

Ann (06:57):

But what happened to me was—I’ll never forget; I think we had kids; and maybe, a baby—you were coming home from work. I called you, and said, “Hey, could you pick up some milk at the grocery store?” And you’re like, “Ahhh!”

Ann (07:16):

I said, “Forget it.”

Dave: “I’ll do it myself.”

Ann: “I’ll just do it myself.” He goes [sounding bothered], “No, I’ll do it. What do you want?” And I wouldn’t even tell you: “It’s too late.” I can remember thinking, “Man, before we were married, he would drive three-and-a-half hours just to be with me for an hour and a half. And now, he can’t even get to the grocery store for some milk!” I thought, “He’s so selfish.” That’s where we can go when we have unrealistic expectations.

Now, maybe, some of you are thinking that shouldn’t be unrealistic that he stops and gets some milk; but it’s just disappointment.

Dave (07:51):

And I always say, “Guys, stop and get the stuff at the store. Don’t go, ‘Ahhh!’” Seriously, it is so disappointing to make a little thing—seven/eight minutes out of my life—again, the feelings weren’t what they used to be.

Ann (08:13):

So you’re saying you are going to have the feelings of you don’t want to do it.

Dave: Yeah.

Ann: But as a covenant—and love is action—

Dave: —you do it.

Ann: If love is action, you love each other regardless of how you feel.

Dave (08:23):

I wish I would’ve known—and I’m sure we were told this—probably, even at the Weekend to Remember: “Your feelings aren’t going to stay like they are.” I’m sure they said that.

Ann (08:33):

They go up and down.

Dave (08:34):

And when they went away, you feel like something’s wrong. It’s like, “No, it’s normal.” A Paul David Tripp famous quote is: “If you’re disappointed in your marriage, it’s not because you have a bad marriage; it’s because you’re married.” In other words, disappointment’s a part of every marriage, at times. Now, hopefully, it doesn’t linger for months at a time; but it’s going to be a part of daily or weekly expectations.

You step through those, and realize, “My expectations were unrealistic.” You can’t sustain an infatuated, romantic feeling—feeling ooey, ooey, ooey love—all the time. We’re in year 45; there are moments that you have a high feeling of love; but most of the time, it’s day to day: “I know I’m in love, because I’m not going anywhere. I made a covenant and a promise, and I’m going to honor that. I’m going to stop at the pharmacy, again, and get your stuff.”

Ann (09:31):

I think of Jesus, knowing that He would die on the cross when He was in the garden. He was saying to the Father, “Let this cup pass from Me.” His feelings were like, “Oh, this is going to be hard; I’d rather not.” But love pays the price, and He paid the ultimate price with His blood and with His life. And for me, that’s a good example of I’m going to be obedient; and I’m going to love, sacrificially, no matter how I feel.

Okay, what about roles: expectations.

Dave (10:01):

Unrealistic expectations in our roles—He’s going to do this,” “She’s going to do that,”—the one that really caused us problems was you thought I’d be this amazing John the Baptist spiritual leader for you and for the kids.

Ann (10:17):

No, I didn’t need John the Baptist; I wanted you to be Dennis Rainey,—

Dave (10:21):

Oh, great.

Ann (10:22):

—who was the founder and president of FamilyLife. I had an image, and I’m sure if I talked to his wife, Barbara—and Dennis would’ve said this too—“Don’t compare Dave to me, because I’m not that great.”

But we all—especially, now, with social media—we can compare our spouse to so many people. Just yesterday, I showed Dave this clip that I watched; it was on Instagram. It’s this wife, in her car. She says, “Watch this.” She’s videoing her husband, and she’s coming in her car. She said, “He’s been doing this for 30 years, every single day.” She pulls up, and he comes out of the garage. He says, “Baby, what can I get you? Do I need to get your things for you? I’ve got dinner already on the table.”

Dave (11:07):

Why did you even show me that?

Ann (11:09):

Exactly!

Dave (11:10):

I don’t believe it. I do not believe this guy’s been doing this every day she comes home from work. Let me get a third-party perspective: Bruce, do you think this husband really does that every day? Is this a made up thing on TikTok or Instagram?

Bruce : It’s made up.

Dave: That’s what I said.

Bruce: No, it’s real. No, it was an AI video, actually. It was generated; those people don’t exist.

Dave: There you go. There are not husbands like that. You heard it from another husband.

Ann (11:34):

But see! What that does is it—

Dave (11:35):

Every wife thinks that’s going to be her husband.

Ann (11:37):

Yes! It plants a seed of disappointment, like: “Wow! My husband doesn’t even acknowledge me,” or “My wife doesn’t acknowledge me when I walk in the door.”

Dave (11:45):

I know.

Ann (11:45):

I think those unrealistic expectations create disappointment; which then, again, causes us to drift to isolation.

Dave (11:53):

Hey, one other, which I missed.

Ann (11:57):

What?

Dave (11:57):

It’s about romance: it’s about gentleness; it’s about kind words; it’s about non-sexual touch.

Ann (12:04):

It’s about vacuuming the family room.

Dave (12:07):

Yeah, it’s about serving: “She needs to be seen and loved,” “He needs to be affirmed.” I always like to say, “Make love a verb.”

Ann (12:16):

Yeah; love is action.

Dave (12:17):

Yeah; it’s a verb: it’s like, “Step into it.”

Again, you come in with these expectations: “It’s just the bedroom.” It’s like, “No, there’s a lot more going on there. Intimacy is so beautiful and deep, beyond the bedroom. It makes the bedroom better if you understand that. But if you don’t, you’re going to drift; and you’re going to have this gap between expectations and reality, and you’ll be disappointed.”

Ann (12:40):

Okay, so rate yourself on that one: “How are you doing with your expectations?” Unrealistic expectations?—how should we do it?— “I’m right on,” should be what? You could just say that: “Yeah, I don’t have unrealistic expectations.”

Dave (12:55):

—or “Is there a big gap?” Give a number to that gap.

Ann (12:57):

Yeah.

Dave (12:58):

—10 being it’s a huge gap; 1 being hardly; 0 is nothing. “Are you a 3, a 5, a 7?”

Basically, the way to adjust that is you need to lower your expectations. At the other side, I look at the guys again, and say, “Step up; be the man she thought she married.”

Ann (13:18):

Well, when you say “lower your expectations,” some people might be thinking, “Oh, well, now, I’m just going to enable them to be a slob,” or “…to be lazy,” or “…to not do anything.” What would you say to that?

Dave (13:29):

I’d say, “Have realistic expectations. You don’t want to enable someone to be a slob,—

Ann (13:36):

And you’re going to speak truth at times.

Dave (13:37):

—”or lazy, or not committed; because you want to raise the bar, and say, ‘Let’s be the best we can be—especially, for myself—but for us.’ Some of these expectations are just unrealistic; your feelings are not always going to be hot.”

Ann (13:53):

And I’ll say this, too, as one who wrote about this, and who lived it: “When I constantly pointed out to you all of your shortcomings,—

Dave (14:02):

That was always fun.

Ann (14:03):

—“it made you worse.” To point out the things that they’re doing well, that’s motivating. I hope you hear that as we say, “Lower your expectations.”

Dave (14:13):

But I just heard a wife say, “He’s doing nothing well.”

Ann (14:15):

I would say,—

Dave (14:16):

What do you say to her?—

Ann (14:17):

I’d say,—

Dave (14:18):

—or to him?—husband’s thinking the same thing.

Ann (14:20):

“Ask God to give you eyes to see the things that he’s doing right; because there’s something you used to see, so point that out.”

Dave (14:27):

And if you’re saying, “There is nothing,” that’s a lie; there’s something.

Again, if you’re living with an abusive man, who’s hurting you; or she’s hurting you, physically or verbally, we would say, “First of all, get safe; get help.”

Ann (14:43):

“Get out.”

Dave (14:44):

Yeah, we’re talking about a good-willed guy,—

Ann (14:46):

—and a good-willed woman.

Dave (14:47):

—who’s trying to do a good job. “He’s like Dave—he’s just not very good at it—and he’s pretty selfish.”

Ann (14:54):

You’re really good at it.

Dave (14:55):

No, I was very, very selfish; I’m not now. I’m the most unselfish person I’ve ever met every second of every day. But there was a time—by the way, if anybody thinks I’m serious, don’t be sending emails—I’m not serious! The selfishness is still part of our DNA; we have to let Christ crucify it every single day: “It’s not I who live, but Christ who lives in me,” Galatians 2:20.

Ann (15:20):

And also, if you want more help; and you think, “Oh, man, I wish I could hear more, read more about this,” you can go to FamilyLife.com/MarriageHelp. We’ll have some free resources for you.

Dave (15:33):

Alright, we got two more threats; and we don’t have a lot of time.

Ann (15:35):

Alright, let’s do it.

Dave (15:36):

Second one—we talk about this at the Weekend to Remember—it’s the “50/50 Performance Marriage.” The threat is you go into marriage, thinking, “We’ll have a great marriage—if she does her half; I do my half—it’ll work. And the person who says he’ll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. The truth is: you overestimate what you’re putting in and underestimate what they’re putting in.

Ann (16:01):

Yeah; you’re totally evaluating your spouse’s performance, continually. You can notice this by: if you’re comparing whose day was the hardest. If you think, “I’ve been doing this all day,”—you always imagine your life is way harder than what your spouse’s life has been like that day—you don’t even know what their day was, but you imagine [yours as] being harder.

Dave (16:24):

I spent a couple days at home with three little boys, and I realized your life is a lot harder than my life. I would’ve never known that until it actually happened.

Ann (16:36):

I know the things that you do every day, and I wouldn’t have wanted to walk in that part of life either. You’re putting out fires in relationships at work all the time; you’re writing all these messages; you have a lot on your plate, too. I never thought about that.

Dave (16:50):

All you need to know is marriage is a 100/100; there’s no 50/50. That is a myth; it doesn’t work.

Ann (16:58):

A lot of times, what we do is we feel like our spouse isn’t performing: “What do we think they should be doing?” We pull back; so instead of giving 50—as you said before—now, we’re giving 30; and you’re thinking, “They’re doing nothing. Why should I put this effort in?” And I’ll tell you why: because God is honored by the way that you love people, even when they don’t deserve it.

Dave (17:21):

And when your eyes are constantly on your spouse, as well, you know what you do is—all you see is their weaknesses—and you focus on that.

Ann (17:29):

Oh, I was good at that.

Dave (17:32):

I was good at it, too; it’s so easy to do. It comes from the third threat. The third threat, I think, is the biggest one—it’s the root of them all—it’s selfishness. “Selfishness destroys a marriage: it destroys romance; it is the reason we drift apart.” To be one requires unselfish serving, and laying down your life, to say, “It’s not about me. It really isn’t even about my happiness. It’s about serving my spouse and making her—or his—life better.”

Ann (18:05):

And I would say I had this martyr complex, that I would be like, “I am so much less selfish than Dave is. I have to do everything around here,”—not realizing that even that thought, right there, is a self-centered arrogant thought. I constantly had that going on in my head, and that’s bad on me. That required repentance, honestly, of: “Lord, I can do nothing apart from You. My eyes are so fixed on me that I can’t even see straight.”

Dave (18:37):

Selfishness is basically sin; it’s what the Bible calls sin: “I’m thinking about me; me first.” Marriage is thinking about her first/him first.

I remember talking to this pre-married guy; I was mentoring him. I said, “Hey, you know what? You’re signing up for marriage.” And he’s like, “Yeah, it’s going to be awesome.” I go, “What’s going to be awesome?” “We’re going to love each other; we’re going to serve Jesus together.”

“Yeah, that’s not what you’re signing up for.” He goes, “No, really; we’ve been honoring God with our life and our body. We’re just…” I go, “Let me tell you what you’re signing up for.” He goes, “What’s that?” I go, “You’re signing up to die.” “Yeah, that’s real funny.” I go, “No, you’re signing up to die.” He goes, “What are you talking about?” I go, “It’s no longer about you, dude. Your whole life’s been about you. You’ve thought about what you’re going to eat, and when you’re going to sleep, when you’re going to…” I go, “Those days are over. Now, it is about her: ‘How do I lay down my life?’ Paul wrote, in Ephesians 5: ‘Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.’ And he didn’t stop there; he’s like, ‘Okay, how did Christ love the church?—He gave Himself up for her. He died to forgive our sins.’ He said, ‘You got to love your wife like that. You got to lay down your life; it’s not about you anymore.’”

Ann (19:50):

Well, what did he say?

Dave (19:51):

It’s like, “You got to deny yourself and become selfless.”

Ann: This is so good.

Dave: He was just like, “That’s not going to be that hard.” I go, “Dude, you have no idea. That’s what you’re signing up for. And when you embrace that, you’ll have a great marriage.” If you’re going to embrace: ‘She’s going to serve me, life’s going to be better and easier,”—and by the way, all that is true, as well—but when you walk into a marriage with: “I am choosing to, now, give my life away to honor Christ by serving my spouse and putting her needs”—Philippian 2: it’s not about me—“place her needs before my needs in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the backyard; everywhere I wake up every day.”

I remember a preacher once said, “Do for your spouse what Christ did for you.” I remember, literally, that afternoon, after I heard that preacher say that, I was laying on the couch. You’re like, “I’m going to go out and mow the yard.” And I’m like, “Oh, no.” You said, “Hey, you want to come help me trim the bushes?” You always try to get me to do that. I’m lying on the couch, watching a football game; and you walk out, like, “Okay, I’ll do it by myself.” You walk out, and I’m lying there, going [sarcastically], “Do for your spouse what Christ did for you.” I got off the couch, and I went out there. Again, it was just one of those moments, to say,—

Ann (21:08):

I can still remember you coming out; “You’re out here, helping me!” It was like the biggest gift to me.

Dave (21:14):

That’s killing selfishness. Again, I wish I could say I do that every single day. But if you don’t kill selfishness, if you don’t ratchet down to the death, you will drift toward isolation.

Ann (21:29):

And what I think I’ve done in the past is I’ve had this attitude of: “I have to: ‘I’m the one who has to make dinner,’ and ‘I’m the one who’s having to do…’”—instead of that attitude of gratitude of “I get to”—”I get to serve my family,” “I get to raise these kids, and really shape them, and disciple them.” Our whole perspective is different in how we’re thinking about it in our minds.

Okay, so how are you guys doing with those two?

The 50/50 Performance Marriage.

And then, the selfishness.

How are you doing in that? Because if you’re not getting a handle on it, again, we’ll drift to isolation.

Dave (22:04):

I would say we’re out of time. Here’s my reading for you today for the husband and for the wife—it’s just what I was quoting; Philippians 2:3—“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit; rather, in humility, value others above yourselves,”—and specifically, in the area of marriage, value your spouse above yourselves—”not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of your spouse.”

And by the way, it goes on to: “Have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be used to His advantage; rather, He made himself nothing,”—that’s the hardest thing to do: made Himself nothing—“by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Being found in appearance, as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.”

That’s our example. I’m telling you this: you do that—and again, this isn’t you seeing if your spouse does that; this isn’t thinking about her—this without thinking about you. You do that; you will grow toward oneness. You’ll have the marriage you want. It’s like: to get what you’re hoping for, you got to empty yourself. Actually, in the Greek, it’s called kenosis: He emptied himself; made Himself nothing. Lay down your life for your spouse, and watch what happens.

Ann (23:35):

I think this is a really good reminder that love is action, that we lay down our lives first—not just to each other, but first you lay your life down to Jesus and surrender—because He will give us the power to live in a way that’s others-centered rather than self-centered.

Dave (23:50):

Yeah; I would just end this way: this is not possible in your own strength.

Ann (23:54):

Yeah.

Dave (23:54):

Oneness is not possible in your own strength; it requires a surrender to Jesus. And then, He gives you the power to literally say, “It’s not about me anymore—it’s about her,” “…it’s about him,”—”I’m going to serve them, and we’re going to become one.” Good days are ahead; just give your life away and die.

We’ll see you next time!

Ann (24:15):

Hey, leave some comments to let us know: “Is this hard for you?” “…easy for you?”; and even ideas about how to get closer.

Dave (24:23):

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Ann (24:35):

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Dave (24:46):

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