Hard-Won Marriage Lessons from 50+ Years Together: Dennis & Barbara Rainey

Episode Transcript

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Hard-Won Marriage Lessons from 50+ Years Together

Guests:Dennis and Barbara Rainey

From the series:Hard-Won Marriage Lessons from 50+ Years Together (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:March 20, 2026

Dennis (00:04):

The unresolved conflict in your marriage, the issues you’re facing with one another, personality differences, background differences, all your different preferences in life, they wilt in the presence of Almighty God when you both find a way to value your wills. Because praying together every day means two individuals, in this case, two very strong-willed individuals, yield to God and recognize Him as the Almighty and that we surrender to Him afresh.

Ann (00:42):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave (00:49):

And I’m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Welcome to FamilyLife Today. We’re going cruising.

Ann (01:05):

Yeah, we are. We’re going cruising with who?

Ann and Dave: Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

Dave (01:08):

They were on the cruise ship back in February and gave a talk on the 4.5 Christian principles for a lasting marriage, which was sort of weird. I said, “Dennis, what’s the 0.5?” He goes, “You got to come to the talk and find out. ” Well, guess what? You’re going to find out today because this is a recording of the talk they gave on the Love Like Mean It® cruise. I just got to tell you; you got to be with us next February. We’re going back out on the boat, February 13th through the 20th in 2027. And it’s like the most epic week of the year.

Ann (01:43):

We can’t even explain what it’s like for couples, but man, just to have the time to relax, to sleep in, to have fun, to hear some really incredible messages that are biblically based and how-tos and practical. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a great sale going on?

Dave (02:00):

And there is. You can get a deal right now through March 31st. Here’s how you do it. Click the banner at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can learn more there, but don’t just learn more. Click on the link that says, “I’m signing up to do it. ” And I know you’re like, “Man, it costs a lot of money to do something like that.” Yep, it does. And it’s an investment in your marriage that you’ll never, ever regret. Trust me, we know. We’re getting off the boat just back in February, and all these couples are like, “This was one of the greatest weeks of our life and our marriage, and we’re doing it again next year.” You want to be with us. Again, click the banner at FamilyLifeToday.com and join us. Okay, let’s go listen to Dennis and Barbara.

Dennis (02:45):

Well, we’re glad to be here. We are.

Barbara (02:47):

Well, we’re looking forward to sharing with you this evening some lessons that we’ve learned over our 53 years of marriage, and we’ve condensed it down. So tonight you only get 4.5, but we actually have 50. So aren’t you glad we’re not giving you all 50?

Dennis (03:03):

After 50 years being with FamilyLife and being in ministry, the need is greater than ever—the need for marriages and families. And I’ll tell you what, I think the solution to the needs in marriages and families is found in the bestselling book of all time, the Bible. Okay? I just think we need to be holding to these blueprints. FamilyLife was built around the blueprints of scripture. “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127:1.

Barbara (03:37):

And from there, we want to start giving you our lessons that we’ve learned. The first lesson that we learned about marriage that we want to pass on to you is pray together every day. Because the praying together has kept our marriage together. It’s kept us focused on Christ and what He wants for our lives.

Dennis (03:55):

In the first four months of our marriage, I went to a friend who happened to be a Presbyterian preacher, and I said, “Carl, what’s the best advice you would give me starting out in our marriage?” He goes, “That’s easy. Pray every day with your wife.” I looked at him and I didn’t say it, but I thought, “That’s all you got? Prayer, huh?” But I want to tell you something. I don’t know that we would’ve survived as a couple. This ministry, would it be led by somebody else? I’m convinced because the need is so great. But our prayer together daily over the years has cemented us because we recognize who is the authority behind this book. God is. I just want you to know the unresolved conflict in your marriage, the issues you’re facing with one another, personality differences, background differences, all your different preferences in life, they wilt in the presence of Almighty God when you both find a way to vow your wills.

(04:54):

Because praying together every day means two individuals, in this case, two very strong-willed individuals, yield to God and recognize Him as the Almighty and that we surrender to Him afresh.

(05:13):

Romans chapter 12:1-2 says this. Paul writes, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” Then listen to this. “Do not be conformed to this world.” Listen to me. The last thing the world needs is an imitation of itself. It’s trying to solve the problem of marriage and what marriage is and what a man is and what a woman is without reference to the source book and the God who made them. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed” How? “by the renewal of your mind, that by testing, you may discern the will of God.” And what’s the will of God? “That which is good, acceptable, and perfect.” It’s not going to be perfect in your own marriage and family, but the will of God is.

(06:20):

I just want to encourage you if you’ve never truly surrendered to Christ to do that. And that’s what prayer is, ultimately, is surrendering your will to the one who knows what he’s doing. Not my will said Jesus in Luke 22:42, “Not my will, but thy will be done.” At the cross, your rights are yielded. They’re surrendered. Go to bed tonight saying, “You know, sweetheart, we’re going to pray together. Let’s go. ” And here’s the thing. You don’t have to pray a lofty prayer that prays for all the missionaries in the world. Just start by acknowledging God. God, this is Dennis. Would you hear my prayer today? I need your help. That’s a good place to start right there.

Barbara (07:07):

First one is pray together. Start tonight. Number two, cultivate a teachable heart and be filled with the Holy Spirit. A teachable heart means that you are a learner. It means you know you haven’t arrived, that you still need to make changes, that there still is work to be done. And that’s the essence of being a disciple of Jesus Christ, because a disciple is someone who is imperfect, following someone who’s perfect, which means there’s still a big gap in learning. So in our marriages, we have to be teachable every day for the rest of our lives. Early in our marriage, I thought this was pretty easy. I can do this. But the longer we’ve been married, the more I’ve realized I can’t do this on my own.

Dennis (07:52):

And the more kids came.

Barbara (07:53):

Well, that did have something to do with it.

Dennis (07:55):

Six of them in 10 years.

Barbara (07:57):

Yeah. So when I feel like I don’t have God’s love, I don’t have the right kind of love, I don’t have enough patience, I don’t have enough grace, I go to Him and I ask Him to give me what I lack. I ask Him to give me what He has an abundance of and will never run out of for what I lack. I ask Him to give me His divine nature because I’m sinful and I always will be and I will always need more. Ephesians 5:18 says, “And do not get drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit.” It’s inviting Him to do what only He can do. And again, it’s an issue of surrender. I have to surrender my will. I have to admit and confess my inability, my bankruptcy, and invite Him to fill me and change me. It’s another act of surrender for your marriage and for your life.

Dennis (08:52):

The third lesson we’ve got is marriage takes place on a spiritual battlefield, not a romantic balcony. That was in the fine print when you made the covenant with each other. And we’re in need of discovering that afresh. And I love what Paul said in Ephesians chapter 6, verse 12. He said, “We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Marriage and family doing it God’s way is hard. It’s tough. Why? Because life is hard.

(09:47):

Peter wrote, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial which comes upon to test you.” Some of you are being tested. Stop. Get off the merry-go-round and look at what’s happening and admit it. You’re being tested. The question is, are you passing it? Are you responding in faith? He goes on to write, “As though some strange thing was happening to you. ” Oh, really? Should a follower of Christ be above something hot, something fiery, something that hurts? What did they do to our Savior? Didn’t He say a servant is not greater than his master? If Jesus did that for us, don’t you think we’ll likely suffer as well in our lifetimes? I do. Just want to encourage you: don’t give in. Don’t listen to those voices and cave in.

Barbara (10:46):

Dennis and I have had lots of seasons of suffering in over 50 years of marriage. One of the early seasons in our marriage was I think in the first 10 years, maybe, maybe 12 years of our marriage. I discovered I had a congenital heart defect that I did not know I had. It was a surprise to me. It was a surprise to him. It was a surprise to my parents too, for that matter. But I ended up in the ICU, and I was there for eight hours.

Dennis (11:12):

Eight hours. Demonstrating 300 beats a minute for eight hours. That’s five beats a second. That means the heart doesn’t have time to fill up with blood. And I’m standing next to her gurney watching the gurney moving because her heart is trying to play catch up with her body. And I’m wondering what I’m going to do with two children.

Barbara (11:33):

We both thought I was dying. He thought it and I thought it and we didn’t—I mean, we were just thinking it.

Dennis (11:38):

They weren’t able to stop it. It was back before they’d learned about timing the heart.

Barbara (11:42):

Electric shock and all that stuff. But anyway, it was such a hard place. We were young. We never expected anything like that. And we’re both wondering, where is God? What is He doing? What is He teaching? Is He going to fix this? Is He going to stay distant? Does He hear me? Does He know I’m here? Well, I knew He did. But when you’re in a place like that, and I was by myself most of the time because in those days they wouldn’t let him back very often. But anyway, all that to say, it was the kind of suffering that comes unexpectedly. And we all have those seasons when suffering comes very unexpectedly. And sometimes those seasons last a long time, even though they got my heart back to normal quickly. At the end of that day, I still lived with the aftershock, so to speak, and wondering for months and months and months, was it going to happen again and what were we going to do?

(12:37):

And suffering does that. It lingers. It lasts and it just permeates your life and changes so many things. But we’ve been in and out of those seasons, but the last eight years have been particularly difficult. Again, our transition out of leadership was much harder than we ever anticipated. I experienced the death of my mother and one of my brothers and a bunch of health challenges, especially last April when Dennis and I were out for a walk one night and we were walking in our neighborhood, which we do a lot, and we know the path really well and it’s relatively level and places. And we were walking along and a neighbor was driving by, somebody we knew, and we both—I was standing on his left, but we were both parallel with each other and we both turned like this and waved and kept walking.

(13:23):

We didn’t stop to wave. We just kept walking and waved. And somehow when we turned back forward, my leg or legs, I’m not sure which, got tangled up in his. And the next thing I knew I was airborne and I landed on my left hip and broke my leg. And couldn’t get up. And that was followed by six months of physical therapy and recovery and all of that, which of course we didn’t see that coming too. But one of the things that we’ve taken heart in in this season is a quote by Dr. John Stott. John Stott was this theologian, wrote tons of books. He’s now in heaven with Jesus, but he wrote this. “Life is a pilgrimage of learning. It’s a voyage of discovery, in which our mistaken views are corrected, our distorted notions are adjusted, our shallow opinions are deepened.”—we need that, don’t we?—

(14:20):

“—and some of our vast ignorance’s are diminished.” A verse that has been really meaningful to us recently in this season is Isaiah 43:1-3. God says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you.” We forget sometimes just the basics that we are saved, we are redeemed, we are chosen, we are bought with a price. And he said, “I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you walk through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Savior.” And when you’re in hard times, those are the verses to cling to and to remember because that’s more true than what you’re experiencing in this life.

Dave (15:11):

“This is FamilyLife Today and you’re listening to Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s talk from the Love Like You Mean It cruise this past February. We’ll tell you again at the end how you could sign up for the cruise coming up next February, but that was only half of the talk.

Ann (15:25):

Oh, it’s so good though. Pray together. Teachable hearts. Marriage is a spiritual battlefield. Weren’t those good?

Dave (15:32):

It’s all true. And there’s more truth coming. Let’s go back to Dennis and Barbara.

Dennis (15:39):

Number 3.5. This is only a half of a point, okay? This is for the men. I’m not talking to the other half. This is uniquely them because Barbara told me to.

Barbara (15:53):

It’s true.

Dennis (15:54):

1 Peter 3:7, you see it right there. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7. I thought I had that nailed until about 10 years ago when God took me to school and said, “Buddy, you’ve got a few things to learn about this bride of yours that you’re not appreciating.” And so I began to go to school and she helped me go to school. She tutored me and I asked her to teach me what I needed to understand. And I’ll tell you one thing she helped me understand. This is not all, but this is just a little glimpse. And I have not just her permission, but her exhortation to share this with you.

Barbara (16:47):

With the men.

Dennis:

With the men. This was after we made love one night. I took her face in mine and I thanked her. I said, “Thank you, sweetie, for giving yourself to me again and again and again.”

(17:00):

I thanked her for that. And so as we’re preparing for this thing here, she said, “I want you to share that with the guys.” Thank her for that most intimate of all relationships. Chew on it for a while and at the point you can say it and really mean it, then say it. I love to ask men, what’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done? For some of you men, that will be it. Thanking your wife for that sacred gift. So share with them how you process that. We’re going over a couple of minutes here.

Barbara (17:38):

We are. I’m watching the clock.

Dennis (17:40):

Yep.

Barbara (17:40):

Yeah. I was so grateful and I felt honored. I felt appreciated. I felt valued and I really did feel understood. I felt like he finally gets me. He gets what it’s like for me. And I mean, it’s really hard to understand as a woman, to understand what a man feels like. And you can’t crawl in each other’s skin. So you have to talk about how you’re different and what you need and how to appreciate one another. And after 40-some-odd years, it was like, okay, we’ve reached a new level because he’s come to a new level of understanding.

Dennis (18:21):

Number four, embrace a lifetime commitment to one another and embrace God’s mission for you all, all the way to the finish line. Why did God stick you two together? Because He’s a cosmic killjoy and He’s performed a bad joke on you or something because you’re so different. I mean, you heard that a couple up here—

Barbara (18:49):

Mandy and Steve.

Dennis (18:49):

Mandy and Steve, how they were sharing how different they are. That could have been us. It is us. So get with the program and find out what God’s up to. Why are you here? Your purpose determines the outcome. You don’t leave a legacy. Listen to me. You live your legacy and you live your legacy by keeping your covenant. I heard recently of a guy—and I don’t throw any stones at him. I’m a sinner too, okay? But a guy held onto an affair for nearly a decade with his wife and then confessed. I mean, wow.

Barbara (19:33):

Yeah.

Dennis (19:34):

How can you be a betrayer like that? I know it’s easy cause too many men have done it. But let me just quickly read these passages and continue on here. The great commandment—they were trying to test Jesus. He said, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to them, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Who’s your neighbor? Who is your closest neighbor? Your spouse. The great commission. This is the greatest assignment, the greatest purpose ever given to humanity. And Jesus said to them,” All authority in heaven and on earth.” So you pick this up. Jesus is saying, The creator of the galaxies who created a billion galaxies, billions of galaxies and slung them into outer space.

(20:35):

He is the authority. He says this. We ought to move to the edge of our seats. “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” There’s a couple in the last session who’ve hosted 225 Art of Marriage groups, small groups in Pennsylvania. One couple, not people, groups. Some of those had multiple, hundred people in them because they were conferences. Another couple in there, Tim and Kathy Bush, if you talk about redemption, they wrote a book called Sex on the First Date. That’s how they met and got married. Serial adulterers. God redeemed them and now they’re giving hope and help to people who’ve made mistakes just like you. Be a world changer.

Barbara (21:39):

We started our session with the quote by A. W. Tozer, and because it’s so good, we wanted to read it to you one more time as we wrap this up. He said, “Moral power has always been accompanied by definitive beliefs. Great saints have always been dogmatic.” But he said what we need now is a return to gentle dogmatism, and I love those two words together. I think they’re a great combination. A gentle dogmatism that smiles while it stands stubborn and firm on the Word of God that lives and abides forever. And that’s what God’s calling us to do. He’s calling us to adhere to His Word no matter what and to believe in it for our own lives and our own marriages first, but then for other people too, because it is life and it’s where life comes from.

Dennis (22:30):

Okay, I’m about to give you a project for the rest of your time on the cruise. All right? But before I do that, I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes by C.H. Spurgeon, an English preacher. Listen, very careful.

Barbara (22:44):

It’s very complicated.

Dennis (22:44):

Very complicated. All right? It was by perseverance the snail reached the ark. Sliming my way to the finish line, me and Barbara. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be available.

Barbara (23:04):

You just have to not quit.

Dennis (23:05):

Be available. Here’s your project. Write this down, guys. Share with your spouse what you will commit to do as a result of this session. Review the 4.5 points, then individually look over those 4.5 points and pick one as you’re going to embrace as a couple and begin to go to work. How are you going to make that happen? Make a plan just like you would for a company that you can implement in your marriage and family together.

Dave (23:38):

This is FamilyLife Today, and that was a talk by Dennis and Barbara Rainey that we all heard on the Love Like You Mean It cruise back in February. Wow. Great stuff.

Ann (23:50):

Such a good time to be with them and to hear their hearts. And man, they’re more passionate than ever about Jesus and about marriage and about family.

Dave (24:00):

Yep. And I’ll tell you what, those are the kind of things that you get to hear on the Love Like You Mean It cruise. And I just want to tell you; we hope to have you with us next February 13th through 20th on the cruise. And there’s a sale going on right now that you can save big through March 31st.

Ann (24:17):

And sign up now just because it fills up so quickly. Most of the people on the cruise have been on the cruise before, so they sign up before they get on the ship, so spaces are limited. So sign up now you have till March 31st to get the cruise madness sale.

Dave (24:32):

Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can click on the banner there and learn more and sign up. Hope to see you next February with us on the boat.

Ann (24:45):

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