October: I Do Every Day
October 1
No, No! Bad Roomba!
By Jim Mitchell
A few years back, some neighbors of ours became internet famous when their hilarious family saga, now known as “the Poohpocalypse,” went viral in all its gooey detail.
The short version: One night while the family was sleeping, their dog, Evie, pooped on the living room rug. A typical accident for a young pup and not a big deal … until, of course, their loyal Roomba awoke at 1:30 a.m. for its pre-scheduled vacuuming. Finding the pile of poop on the rug, the dutiful robot spent the next few hours meticulously massaging it into every crease and fiber of the wood floor and carpet.
Imagine the horror! What should have been a confined mess and an easy spot clean the next morning had turned into nightmarish streaks across the entire home. It’s mind-boggling how far a small mess can reach when spread thin enough.
Mind-boggling, but not all that uncommon. I’ve seen it in my own life many times. Not on the floor of my home. Unfortunately, in way harder-to-reach places—the corners of my mind and heart.
It seems to start innocently. Somewhere along the course of my day a thought will form based on an interaction with my wife. Nothing earth shattering or heavy, maybe just a hunch from something she said, or didn’t say, or said imperfectly. Or an impression created by a simple non-verbal signal that struck me the wrong way. Normal and typical marriage stuff … until, of course, the Roomba in my mind awakens and starts spinning impression into suspicion, hunch into assumption, thought into a lasting grudge.
Before I’m fully alert to it, what could have been a confined mess and an easy spot clean has become an unappealing smear on our relationship. No, no! Bad Roomba!
Could your emotional response make a mess of your relationships?
The Good Stuff: We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Action Points: What thoughts about your spouse have been left on the living room rug of your heart and mind lately? Capture them now while the clean up is easy. Then wake up tomorrow to a marriage clean and fresh.
October 2
For When You Need a Miracle
By Laura Way
My parents’ marriage was a battleground. The summer before my 7th grade year, divorce felt inevitable. I headed to camp, worried sick that when I got back their decision to divorce would be final.
That week, I prayed like never before. I returned home to find the battle was over. Divorce was off the table, and our home changed drastically from then on.
It was the first time I saw God answer prayer so vividly and monumentally.
Make no mistake: Prayer isn’t an “Instacart” we fill with everything we want and hope it’ll be in stock. Prayer is so much more than just giving God our requests. In prayer, we orient ourselves to God. We remember He is God … and we are not.
Maybe you feel your marriage needs a miracle.Truth be told, God may or may not choose to heal your marriage. But it’s safe to say He wants you to pray for it.
Here are three ways to pray today.
- Pray for your heart’s roots to grow down into God’s love.
Too often we focus our prayers on others: God, transform their hearts; Help them change. But the best place to start is with our own hearts. Is my heart softened by Jesus’ lavish love?
- Pray to love sacrificially, like Jesus.
As your roots grow deeper into God’s love, you can follow Christ’s example. Offering yourself—your time, empathy, service—sacrificially to your spouse. Reject the temptation to compare your sacrifices to your spouse’s.
- Pray for God to turn your ashes into beauty.
Are there places in your marriage with ashes, mourning, brokenness, and captivity? Jesus came to bring beauty, gladness, healing, and freedom! Ask Him to bring restoration now.
When we’re hurting, it can be hard to form the words to pray. Try, “6 Prayers for Marriage When You Need a Miracle.”
The Good Stuff: Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! (1 Chronicles 16:11)
Action Points: What’s the most urgent need in your marriage right now? Stop whatever you are doing and pray for God’s hand over it.
October 3
Bored With Your Spouse? Clean Your Room!
By Ed Uszynski
Everybody has a different breaking point when it comes to their side of the bed.
I had hit mine.
Read this inventory worthy of an escape room:
- Pre-worn-but-still-not-dirty clothes.
- An unopened bag of new t-shirts.Insurance papers and utility bills.
- Miscellaneous cords.
- Library books.
- A freezer-bag full of coins.
- Two State Farm atlases.
- A rock from family camp.
- Random socks.
- A carabiner.
- Swim goggles.
- A stack of mementos I kept from the FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise.
- Three screws and a nail.
- Two golf balls.
- An electric back massager.
I won’t explain why I needed all those things on my floor. I just did.
Amy had her own Hoarders episode waiting to be shot on her side of the room.
So we took half a day and removed it. All of it.
Even moved furniture and sucked what seemed like three pounds of dust mites off our carpets and baseboards.
Got in bed that night and talked about how much better we felt toward each other. Less stress. Lighter. Fresher.
Wait … did cleaning our room clean our marriage?
No, the Bible doesn’t put cleanliness next to godliness. But we’re created in the image of a God who starts His revelation to us by taking pleasure in bringing order out of chaos. Then He passed the charge to us to “subdue the earth” (Genesis 1:28).
More personally, God’s still bringing order to the chaos of my heart and life, an ongoing restoration project with purpose. So maybe something positive happens when we impose order upon clutter.
Removing clutter won’t address our deepest problems. But it creates a fresh environment for relationships that happen in a room. And that matters.
Reading books on relationships provides one way to strengthen a marriage.
But getting them off the floor and out of sight can help, too.
Read “How Marie Kondo Helped My Tupperware Drawer … and My Marriage.”
The Good Stuff: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Action points: Marriage need a little boost this week? Clean that room!
October 4
When Pampers Are the Only Thing Between You and a Wet Tent
We had been living out of suitcases for seven weeks. Our two little ones dealt with rather explosive intestinal issues, going through Pampers like they owned the factory.
My billfold and my wife’s purse were stolen on the front end of our journey to Colorado to receive training to begin a ministry to families. Not only did we lose all of our credit cards, but our identification as well. After hours of fruitless searching, I was finally able to thank God that He was in control.
Still gluttons for punishment, we pressed on to Colorado where we decided to camp out with our two toddlers (primarily because we didn’t have enough capital on our person to finance a motel room). That night a deluge of rain camped with us. Our tent was transformed from shelter to funnel.
Massive applications of diapers, placed at strategic locations inside the tent to soak up minor floods, kept us dry.
By the time we finally arrived for training, we were wondering if we could really be the ones God wanted to start this ministry to families. It seemed as though our home had quite a few bruises, scrapes, and lacerations. Let me confide in you that we had lost our perspective of thanking God “in all things.”
Then a couple of days later a flash flood—the worst in Colorado history—hit Estes Park, taking the lives of seven of our fellow staff members.
You know something? That disastrous incident flipped a switch in our perspective. Our soaked tent and kids’ dirty diapers were gifts in lives that served a sovereign King as long as He generously gave us breath—and whatever we needed for the next day.
Is gratitude hard right now? Read “How Can I Be Thankful When My World’s a Wreck?”
The Good Stuff: We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)
Action Points: Thank God for one thing each that makes you feel:
- pressured or overwhelmed
- hemmed-in by life’s daily drudgeries
- out of control
- disappointed
October 5
Strong but Silent? Gentle Ways to Get Your Spouse to Talk (Part I)
My husband is an introvert who loves people. I look at his face when he walks in the door. I can usually tell when his word bucket is so full it’s oozing down the sides.
I can find myself caught in that dance between finally processing my day and all I’ve been accumulating to tell him―and just meeting him where he’s at, which may not yet be ready for a 13-minute monologue.
I don’t just want to connect with him for me.
As a complex, stunning person, he has rich thoughts rumbling beneath the surface. I want, in our conversation, to be naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25).
And preferably not just one of us. I want to both know him and be known.
But that can be tough if he doesn’t engage. How can we draw out the spouses we love into conversation that fills us both?
A few ideas.
1. My spouse talking more may mean me talking less. When in doubt, I sometimes count five whole seconds after he speaks. I’m surprised by what he adds!
For all of us, that also means putting the kibosh on
Interrupting or jumping in even to reassure.
Steering the conversation our own direction, or turning the conversation to our own experiences (except briefly to show you understand).
Finishing their sentences.
One-upmanship.
Overreacting.
Sometimes―not always―I find the amount of exchange in our conversation to be proportionate to my selfishness.
Are we taking from our spouses, using them for our ends? Or are we truly loving them, making conversation a chance to give them our presence, comfort, and ear?
2. Communicate closer to our spouse’s language. Your spouse’s ideal sense of connectedness may not be sitting at a coffee shop for an hour. (I know. It boggles the mind, doesn’t it?)
So my husband has suggested these:
I can tell him my end point first, and then the back story. This feels less open-ended.
If I can condense a bit and pause before launching into another anecdote, it drains less of his conversational energy, and leaves space for him to interact.
In this way, I cross “cultures” a bit into what he values in communication.
But conversation isn’t just about applying a universal rule. Find your spouse’s own style about what’s meaningful.
More tips coming tomorrow.
The Good Stuff: A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2)
Action Points: Pick one of the thoughts above to incorporate into the way you receive your spouse. Don’t forget to explore beneath your issues: What heart attitudes keep you from loving well through listening?
October 6
Strong but Silent? Gentle Ways to Get Your Spouse to Talk (Part II)
By Janel Breitenstein
So one of you is more of a talker, and the other is more of a … not-talker.
How can you deal?
Personality type or “love language” isn’t an excuse for greed or selfishness in conversation or energy levels—just like it’s not an excuse to hole up, plug in, and tune out.
Look for that sweet spot where you’re both getting needs met and laying down your wants. That’s marriage, right?
Today, we’ve got more practical tips.
- Ask permission to come in.
- Is this a good time, or are you in the middle of something?
- So can I ask you a question about that?
- If you disagree: So … can I push back on that a little?
Sometimes, if my husband might feel ambushed by my idea, I try, So I’m not sure you’re going to like this idea, but … (Bonus: It can have a bit of a reverse-psychology effect on a spouse: Well, you never know! I might like it!)
- Find your rhythm. A lot of guys, in particular (though this can apply to women, too), emerge from work with an overflowing conversational percolator. They might need time to let the day filter through in order to receive more words.
It’s counterintuitive, but if you want to converse, first give your spouse down time so they can feel like they have their whole brain back.
He or she might feel overwhelmed by a day when more ground was lost than gained. In this respect, consider asking questions that aren’t so open-ended. “What are some wins you had today?” “Any highs or lows?”
Can you find a conversational rhythm that meets both of your needs? Hint: It may involve asking for what you need and interweaving that with your spouse’s best times for conversation (which may not be at the end of the day).
Perhaps you can plan a catch-up time alone over decaf for 15 minutes after the kids go to bed. Maybe you’ll have the music off when you drive together so you can chat, or plan time alone together on Friday nights. Maybe you’ll pick a regular date night or “date in.”
- That said, ask questions that invite your mate in. Use your exuberant social skills and warm conversation to gently, patiently mine your spouse’s depths—his or her desires, fears.
- What was that like for you?
- What are you afraid will happen?
- What do you hope will happen?
- What do you wish would happen?
Gently try to come into your spouse’s world.
- That sounds intense.
- That would catch me off guard.
- That sounds like it would be really hard.
- That sounds like a big win.
- When I think about [a related experience from your past], I’m thinking this would be [adjective] for you. Is that what it was like?
Then insert a questioning look―“Am I right?”
And then? Silence. Let your spouse fill in.
Click here for more conversation starters.
The Good Stuff: If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Action Points: Pick one of the ideas above to incorporate into the way you draw out your spouse. Don’t forget to explore beneath the “symptom”: What heart attitudes keep you from listening well?
October 7
Exes and Oh’s
By Lisa Lakey
A face I hadn’t seen in years was staring at me from my inbox. Just found out we had some mutual friends. How have you been?
Before I could stop myself, my fingers began typing a quick reply. Things are good here. Two kids, married … Oh.
I stopped and wondered if this was safe territory for my marriage. Would I be upset with my husband if he messaged (even innocently) with an ex-girlfriend?
You bet I would.
Would he care if I messaged an old flame I obviously had no interest in anymore?
Maybe.
That was enough. I deleted the message before sending and blocked him from contacting me further.
Seem a bit much? It often does in the beginning.
I’ve known women and men who never meant to get involved when they first messaged someone from their past. But the thing is, if feelings were there once, they can return.
And the safest way to make sure those old feelings stay in the past, particularly on the days when your spouse forgets to thank you for anything or has a string of complaints the moment you walk in the door?
Don’t friend your exes on social media.
I recently read that one third of all legal action in divorce cases is caused by an online affair. Let that sink in for a minute.
These married people weren’t meeting up with someone they met in a bar or at work. Their affairs started with an online conversation.
Someone sent a “Hey, how ya doin’?” message and before anyone was even aware of it, lines were crossed.
What I do online isn’t just my business. For trust to be maintained in my relationship, I need to be open and honest with my husband. If he questions my faithfulness in one area, he will in others too. And rightfully so.
So to protect the trust he has in me, I’ll gladly keep the exes in the past before they turn into an “Oh, no …”
Read more on protecting your marriage from being a casualty of social media
The Good Stuff: Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. (Proverbs 10:9)
Action Points: Write out all the passwords on your social media accounts and hand it to your spouse. Tell them, “I know you trust me, but you are always welcome to see what I am doing if you doubt it. My feelings won’t be hurt.”
October 8
Your Last Resort?
They’re the kind of prayers that you see in the movies. You know the ones. The good guy is surrounded, injured, and out of ammo. As the enemy creeps closer to his position, our hero looks up. “God, if you’re up there … I could really use some help.”
Sound familiar?
We had a few of those moments in our marriage. Our problems were so big, we had no choice but to pray.
When we pray last-resort prayers, we accept that we are powerless to change the situation, and this is good. Other times, it’s easy for us to steal the credit from God. When we’re at the end of our ropes, however, God’s hand is far more apparent.
I’ll never forget a conversation I had with my boss. The country was in a recession and he offered me a choice: Travel to India for two to four months to help set up a new help desk or be laid off.
My wife and 3-year-old daughter depended on my income, but they also depended on my presence. I could not imagine leaving them for so long. He gave me until Monday to give my answer.
That weekend we prayed a last-resort prayer, Lord, move my boss out of the way of our family, or move me to where you want me.
I walked into my boss’s office that Monday prepared to be let go.
When I told him I would not go to India, He sat expressionless for a long while. Then, inexplicably, he offered to create a new position for me—equal pay, flexible hours, no travel requirements.
I could almost see God standing behind him, whispering the words into his ear.
God hasn’t always answered my prayers with such dramatic flair. But it does make me wonder: How many of my “big” problems could have been handled while they were still little problems?
What if prayer wasn’t my last resort—but my first?
While vital to a healthy marriage, praying with your spouse can feel awkward. What do you say? Let us take the guesswork out of it. Sign up for our 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge.
The Good Stuff: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)
Action Points: Make a list of little things to pray for. Find a time before the day is over to pray with your spouse, for those little things. If there is a big thing on your mind, pray for that too.
October 9
Talk to Me Like You Talk to Meg
By Ed Uszynsk
Amy and I are in Phase 3 driving home after a get-together with co-workers.
(Phase 1: Predicting what will happen at the party. Phase 2: What happens at the party. Phase 3: Analyzing what happened at the party.)
So I ask her for thoughts. She says, “I wish you’d talk to me like you talk to Meg.”
Meg and I have known each other for years and work closely together. There’s nothing inappropriate between us. This is not at all where I expected Phase 3 to start.
Me: “What do you mean?”
Amy: “You ask her questions.”
Me: “I ask you questions all the time!”
Amy: “You do. But you help her unpack her mind. You ask her a question, then you ask her follow up questions. You ask me one question and then go silent.”
Yep, and I’m silent now.
Scrambling—“There’s nothing between us.” Feeling a little defensive—“That’s what my job demands!” Frustrated—“Is that really true”?
“I know there’s nothing between you. I know it’s the nature of your job. I just need you to do for me what you’re doing for everybody else.”
Guilty as charged.
And it wasn’t just Meg. I work hard at listening well and trying to understand my co-workers of both genders every day, often to the point of exhaustion.
Then I come home and give Amy the trickle from a nearly empty tank.
She wasn’t angry. Wasn’t accusing me of anything. Wasn’t trying to make me feel bad.
She just saw what she needed from her husband being given to everyone but her and wanted that to change.
Proverbs 20:5 says “A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.”
A nice reputation to have at work, but even better at home.
Would your spouse say you’re an intentional listener?
The Good Stuff: The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. (Proverbs 18:4)
Action Points: Are you using up your conversational energy elsewhere? How can you commit to reserving some of that energy to your most important human relationship?
October 10
Aren’t Roses Better With Thorns?
In the 1996 flick Bed of Roses, a likeable florist (Christian Slater) discusses Sterling roses with a cynical, broken woman. The roses are a dusky shade of purple-gray, and get this—have no thorns.
The woman comments that she doesn’t think that’s right. Roses should have thorns. Otherwise they’re too perfect.
Later, after the two spend a day together, the florist sends a bouquet of Sterling roses, thanking her for “a day of too much perfection.”
Personally, I resonate with the suspicion of “too much perfection” in my marriage. Sometimes those sweet moments of being loved feel divorced from who I am, what I deserve. (Guilt and I have always had a tight-knit relationship.)
I personally feel better when I am earning love, when I have something to offer in return. Maybe I could be the ideal wife and be generous in my responses to him. I could be beautiful and good and trustworthy and industrious and perfect.
In Surrender to Love, author David Benner writes, “Everything within us tells us that the universe must be organized according to a principle wherein we get what we deserve.” And we desperately want to be able to contribute something to the deal.
Benner reminds us that we’re often afraid of love because love means surrender. What if we get hurt? What if this person fails me? What if I’m vulnerable—and rejected? What if I’m overwhelmed by my need for care—or the other person’s love devours me?
We fear being punished because we’re not enough. It hinders our ability to love—and be loved—because we’re consumed with our perception of ourselves.
It’s something God has been telling me all along: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).
When you’re honest, what keeps you from the “too-much perfection” of surrendering to your spouse’s love … but first and foremost, to God’s?
Listen to how one couple’s marriage was saved by surrendering it to God.
The Good Stuff: For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15)
Action Points: Take time to pray, considering what scares you about God’s—and a spouse’s—unconditional love. Why is your guard up? Are you willing to pray for a heart willing to accept “too much perfection”?
October 11
Avoiding the Bonk
A friend of mine is readying to run a half-marathon up Pikes Peak.
Aside from the curious question of why she is friends with the likes of me, she has been trying to overcome the “bonk.” I have not heard of this term in the same way in which she refers to it, so I lean in.
The bonk, she explains, is when her body simply can’t go anymore in her 7,000-plus foot ascent, the summit of which will be at a height of over 14,000 feet. (To help one comprehend the lack of oxygen and general sanity: Trees give up growing around 11,500 feet.)
It has taken a precise mix of electrolytes and other nutritional goodness to help her body keep up with its robust endeavors. If she doesn’t rest, hydrate, and nourish?
Bonk.
Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, in The Power of Full Engagement, observe,
Following a period of activity, the body must replenish fundamental biochemical sources of energy. This is called “compensation” and when it occurs, energy expended is recovered.
Increase the intensity of the training or performance demand, and it is necessary to increase the amount of energy renewal …
… Sadly, the need for recovery is often viewed as evidence of weakness rather than an integral aspect of sustained performance … To maintain a powerful pulse in our lives, we must learn how to rhythmically spend energy.
Whether I like to admit it or not, I have limitations, and so does my marriage. A need for nutrition and rest and restorative cycles.
If one of you travels, or alternatively stays home with the kids, you may need a downbeat. Maybe you’ve had a particularly demanding school year, a strenuous season of work, or a taxing season with teens or toddlers. You and your marriage were created for more than what you can do, produce, or achieve—even for the kingdom of God.
Don’t wait until you bonk. Savor the fact that “it is for freedom Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1)—that He has already performed on your behalf—and delight in God’s rest and prepaid satisfaction.
Ever wonder what the big deal is about observing the sabbath? Listen to why it’s an important practice for people with limitations (which just happens to be all of us).
The Good Stuff: You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORDyour God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day. (Deuteronomy 5:15)
Action Points: Does your marriage need to take a restorative beat? Practically speaking, how could you surrender to your limitations and God’s rhythms by setting aside time to replenish?
October 12
The Tantrum that Changed Everything
As the oldest child, I was used to being bossy and getting my way. No matter the circumstances, I’d usually win.
But when I met Aubrey, I met my match.
There was definitely a power struggle between us when we were first married. A lot of times, he’d give in out of love and a strong desire to make me happy. You know what they say—“Happy wife, happy life!”
I soon became accustomed to his concessions.
But about six months into our marriage, Aubrey made a decision he stood firm on. We discussed it, but he felt strongly and wasn’t backing down.
This did not go over well.
I threw a royal fit! It was ugly. I yelled, screamed, pushed, punched, and used words I’d never said before and haven’t since.
The entire time, Aubrey stood his ground while never losing his composure, or his patience. He never even raised his voice.
When I had finally exhausted myself and stopped lashing out, he simply and sincerely said, “I love you.” He softly kissed me goodnight and left for work.
Touched by Aubrey’s unconditional love for me at a time when I was being so unlovely, I wept.
It was the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Not only did his response make me feel deeply and truly loved, it revolutionized our marriage.
I stopped striving to always get the win, and instead began yielding in our relationship to do what’s best for our marriage and family, so that we win.
Aubrey’s response that day was a great picture to me of unconditional love—choosing to love your spouse at their best and their worst.
Click here to read more about how one wife believes her meltdown saved her marriage.
The Good Stuff: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8) https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/1-peter/4-8.html
Action Points: Recall a time when you were being unlovely and your spouse showed you unconditional love.
October 13
It’s a Good Idea to Air Your Dirty Laundry
I have four children.
Which is to say, I have laundry.
Occasionally, it threatens to swallow me whole in a malodorous melange of gym socks. Hoodies. Underwear thrown a precise 14” from the hamper.
I have heard of people having “laundry day” at their house. This is not a possibility unless I prefer death by (laundry) drowning. Levi’s and t-shirts snap at my heels, threatening to overtake.
I can get the clothes into the washer and dryer. I would love laundry, if that’s all it took. But then I must fold (well, supervise folding), making sure rogue articles of clothing don’t get buried forever in my teenage sons’ dresser drawers, which have parallels to the Amazon rainforest. No one comes out alive.
(We can create cars that drive themselves, but we have yet to invent a dryer that folds. Just sayin’.)
Then I alone must soldier onward, ensuring children insert laundry in said drawers. This must happen before piles or baskets are kicked over and we are returned to the misery of folding.
I could throw in the towel. But that would be more to wash.
Hidden in all those unmatched socks and clean clothes my kids slip back into the hamper to avoid putting away is a marriage metaphor.
As humans, it’s natural for our bodies to produce odors and all the stuff that makes clean clothes dirty.
As married humans, it’s expected we will leave behind a trail of pain, anger, and mistakes.
But for the love of Pete: Keep up with the laundry.
Apologize to your spouse; there’s likely something daily that needs to be “washed.” Frequently restore what you make dirty, relationally speaking. Diligently restore order from self-created chaos, even though it’s a never-ending battle.
Anticipate your spouse will get dirty, too—sometimes downright disgusting.
But if you’re used to staying on top of the laundry? And if you’re aware your own clothes get pretty ripe from time to time?
Maybe it’ll be a smaller deal than you think.
Keeping up with the laundry is not the only task required to keep a household running. Who does the housework in your marriage?
The good stuff: So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)
Action Points: In the passage above, Jesus places reconciled relationships as priority before worship. When you come to God in prayer, first allow him to indicate what “laundry” may need to be washed between you and your spouse. Make “I’m sorry” and “Will you forgive me?” part of your home’s daily vocabulary.
October 14
Yeah, No, Maybe
By Jim Mitchell
There are three little words I say to my wife that always elicit an energized response: Let’s go out.
This simple phrase means more than we don’t have to cook or clean up. It’s a marital sticky note that tells our spouse, “You’re still the one I want.”
Because a successful marriage is falling in love over and over.
But I haven’t always been great in this area. I used to think the purpose of dating was to woo someone. It took a bit of error on my part (and maybe some frustration on my wife’s part), but I’ve learned long talks into the night and bouquets of flowers “just because” go a long way in showing my wife she’s still got it.
When she’s not wondering about my love for her, we’re both happier, both communicating better. (Doesn’t hurt in the bedroom, either.)
Dating doesn’t have to be complicated (you could probably call off the serenading mariachis), expensive (for us, mini-golf is right up there with a trip to the symphony), or elaborate (it’s probably more important I just show up with my whole self, undistracted). But it does take planning and prep (childcare swap, anyone?).
Wanting to take date night a little deeper? Sometimes I like to go with one or two questions in my back pocket, to get us talking about what matters to us.
- What’s one thing I do that makes you feel really respected, loved, or connected?
- What’s one of your best memories of us together?
- What kind of activity makes you feel closest to God?
- What do you pray about (or for) most often?
- What job(s) could you do that wouldn’t feel like work?
- What do you like—or for what are you most grateful—about the way God has made you?
- What’s one way I could be more of the person I want to be?
We have a few ground rules: Don’t have conversations about finances, household responsibilities, or kid stuff.
It’s amazing what three little words have meant to our marriage.
Read on for “10 Surprising Ways to Increase Romance.”
“Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost any question,” I once heard a comedian say. To which I gave a hearty “Amen!”
I’m that assertive spouse who wants quick, firm answers from my wife. But I learned early in my marriage that’s just not how it works.
“Yes” is actually quite hard for her to say.
Not to any particular question. The actual word itself. “Yes.” She can’t say it.
The closest she gets is a ho-hum “yeah,” spoken so timidly that I require immediate clarification. “Yes?” I’ll ask with a sharp “s” to emphasize how easy the word is to say.
Which she quickly changes to “No.” Baffled, I seek further confirmation. “So it’s no?”
Sensing my frustration, she then defaults to, “Maybe … I don’t know … Why are you mad at me?” Which, of course, only makes me madder.
Determined to label her indecision a defect, I’ll quote Matthew 5:37: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” Case closed, right?
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/matthew/5-37.html
Not so much. I can tell you from experience, that’s not a win.
And frankly, this “yeah, no, maybe” sequence has played out so consistently for so long, I’ve been compelled to ask myself some hard questions about whether the real problem lies not with her, but with me.
Is she really timid, or just afraid I’m rushing the decision and avoiding due diligence?
Does “Yeah, no, maybe” actually mean “I need more conversation with you”?
And instead of Matthew 5:37, shouldn’t my mind be racing to 1 Peter 3:7? “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.”
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/1-peter/3-7.html
Ouch! Those questions make even me say, “Yeah, no, maybe.”
So join me, more decisive spouses. Let’s slow our roll a little. Let’s exhibit understanding, not frustration. And let’s relax the “yes/no” chokehold and allow the conversation to breathe a minute.
p.s. I asked my wife if I got this devotional right. She said “yeah.”
The Good Stuff: The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)
Action Points: Ask your spouse what they value more—the outcome or the exchange? Then talk about that together and how to find common ground.
October 15
We Don’t Talk About That Here (Part I)
We men have the ability to talk for hours without revealing a single intimate detail about our lives.
We’ll talk about sports, work, politics, anything really—as long as the conversation stays superficial.
This dynamic was on full display at a men’s retreat I attended one year. We spent hours analyzing the sermons, commenting on delivery, and attempting to outdo each other with our insight. Intellectually, we were having a great time, but I hadn’t yet experienced any of the profound moments you expect to find when going on a retreat. I feared we would spend the entire time debating the nuances of biblical facts and return home with little to show for our time together.
In a moment of clarity (or insanity), I decided to violate this unwritten code and drop a grenade in the room of Christian leaders.
“I told my wife I was struggling with porn.”
I watched in slow motion as the blast wave of my confession made its way across the room. One by one, the men broke eye contact with me. But as I continued, they slowly leaned in to hear more.
I didn’t hold anything back. When I was done, no one said a word. Finally, the most respected member of the group spoke up.
“My struggle began when I was 13,” he said. “My wife still doesn’t know.”
One hundred percent of the men in the room that day had their own story. While the details were different, they all had at least one thing in common: All had been struggling in solitude.
And failing.
James 5:16 teaches, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
In an attempt to deflect attention from their own failures, these men could have condemned me.
They could have lectured me on purity or quoted Bible verses.
They could have simply said nothing, and lead me to falsely believe I was the only one to have that particular struggle.
But they didn’t.
Because of their courage, we were able to support each other. Confession provided a way of escape, and the support of others provided the ability to endure it.
Think pornography isn’t a problem? Read on for four delusions that are easy to believe.
The Good Stuff: Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16)
Action Points: Are you struggling with porn or another hidden sin? You aren’t alone. Confess your sin before God. Then find a mature believer you can trust to lean on for accountability.
October 16
We Don’t Talk About That Here (Part II)
Allow me to continue my story from yesterday.
While I may not have had to face consequences from the men I spoke to, I did have to face the fallout with my wife.
When I told her I was struggling with porn, she felt betrayed.
In my mind, my problem had little to do with my wife. My addiction developed long before I met her.
Not until my sin was out in the open could I see the impact it had on her. She was able to forgive me, but she lost her confidence in herself. She no longer believed I thought she was beautiful. The next couple of years were difficult.
But then one day we were hiking together and passed a tree that had been uprooted in a storm. As we looked at the tree, we couldn’t help but see it as a symbol of our marriage. Our marriage seemed strong, but our roots had been shallow. Like this tree, one strong gust of wind had knocked us over.
My wife noticed new growth coming out of the root ball and reaching upwards. The tree had been knocked over, but it was refusing to die. We also noticed while some roots had been exposed, others remained firmly attached to the ground. Our roots in Christ were strong, and our commitment to work it out was unwavering.
Right then, she turned to me and gave me a curious look, studying my face as if seeing me for the first time. Then, with an almost surprised tone, she said, “I love you.”
I had heard her say those words a thousand times before. But this time it was different.
This time, she knew my struggles, my shame, and my failures. She knew every twisted and broken part of me, yet was deciding to love me anyway.
In that moment, I experienced a love I had only experienced once before. It was a powerful, godly love like the love Jesus had offered me. Jesus knew my sin intimately, yet loved me enough to sacrifice Himself for me and offer forgiveness.
Rediscover the roots of forgiveness and steadfastness that make your marriage strong.
Need more help restoring trust after pornography? Listen to this episode of Married with Benefits.
The Good Stuff: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
Action Points: Your spouse is not immune to the fallout of your own hidden sins. Healing begins with confession. Pray for God to open your eyes to anything you are hiding from your spouse and for the courage to bring it into the light.
If your spouse has confessed something to you, ask God for help in finding forgiveness.
October 17
When Your Spouse Feels More Like Your Roommate
Maybe you’re not sure how or when it happened: The person you’d been so very in to while dating morphed into … not much more than a roommate.
Or worse.
How can you deal?
- Get intentional about same gender community.
Isolation leaves us vulnerable. Even in a healthy marriage, your spouse shouldn’t be your sole source of authentic friendship.
Go one step beyond your comfort level in openness with friends, “for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25).
- With your spouse, eliminate mind-reading and unspoken, unagreed-upon expectations.
It’s so easy to think, If he or she really cared, they’d ___. But our “normal” and what comes easy for us may not be normal or easy for a spouse—even if they’ve done it before. Take 100% responsibility for your contributions to communication issues.
- If you’ve been burned by your spouse not asking, not listening, misunderstanding, or delivering that blank/token/judgmental/unemotional response, don’t give up altogether.
On earth, Jesus surrounded Himself with faulty, often faithless human beings—and continued to love them well. (Are there times, particularly in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, when self-protection is necessary in marriage? Absolutely.)
- Be wise, yet courageous in vulnerability.
If you’re in a safe marriage, courage and even forgiveness may be in order as you press yourself to trust another human. (It’s impossible to selectively hold part of yourself back—like your pain—without restraining other parts of yourself, like happiness.)
But God has also given you wisdom to know when a person is not trustworthy. Ask Him for discernment.
- Turn to the Heart-Changer.
Pray that God would transform your spouse—and expose the log in your own eye.
The creatures worshipping at God’s throne in Revelation have eyes everywhere, including beneath their wings. God sees us as we shelter beneath His care.
Ask for great perseverance, for patience as His plan unfolds … even if it takes a lifetime.
If you’ve drifted apart, there is hope for finding your way back to each other again. Read “9 Steps to Defeat Isolation in Your Marriage.”
The Good Stuff: Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. … But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:25, 28)
Action Points: Ask God for wisdom and courage to know how to honestly assess your marriage, and best love your spouse. You might consult a trusted friend or counselor for next steps.
October 18
Don’t Love Me Like That
By Lisa Lakey
When we were younger, I loved my husband the way I wanted to be loved.
I surprised him with sweet treats. I picked up his share of the household chores. I rented movies every Friday so we could cuddle up after a long work week.
But here’s the problem … he wasn’t big on sweets. He felt guilty when I attempted to mow the lawn (I think I broke the mower once). And movies on the couch make him fall asleep.
Looking back, my attempts to show him how much I loved him were a wee bit ridiculous.
Josh and I are as different as night and day. I wanted romantic dinners and long talks. He needed quiet time to decompress when he got home (and a steak cooking on the grill didn’t hurt). So, naturally, I talked his ear off every night and then got my feelings hurt when he didn’t respond accordingly.
I not-so-quickly learned that loving my husband required respecting how we differ in both the fantastic and somewhat uncomfortable ways. I learned that waking up far too early on Saturday (without grumbling) to fish at a lake two hours away spoke greater love to him than breakfast in bed.
I learned that loving him means being patient when he is a little grumpy after a 16-hour workday. It means being forgiving, humble, and gracious.
Even when I don’t want to, which is often.
I get one lifetime with this husband of mine. So I want to love him well.
Think you’ve lost that loving feeling? Read why you might reconsider.
The Good Stuff: Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience … And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (Colossians 3:12,14).
Action Points: Separately, make a list of five ways you feel loved by your spouse (example, “I feel loved when he fills up my gas tank.”). Come together and talk about what makes you feel loved in each of these situations. Pick one item from your spouse’s list to do this week.
October 19
What’s Under the Towel on the Floor
This is such a dumb thing to fight about.
Ever been there?
But conflict has … layers. The “skin”—the apparent issue—may be the bath towel on the floor right next to the towel rack.
But there is often an unmet desire beneath the conflict—the muscle behind the skin. Usually when we’re angry, it’s the thing that feels trampled on. It may even feel sacred.
You might think that towel carries an embroidered message: I don’t respect the way you care for us. I’m so oblivious, I’ll make another mess for you to clean up.
But look at the other person’s desires. I’m logging major hours to provide for us. I was trying to make it out the door so I can make it home on time, and I forgot the towel. I’m nagged at work all week, and you have no capacity for a forgotten towel?
Even further beneath—let’s say it’s at the “bone” level—are the big-picture desires.
I want to feel like what I work hard at matters to you, and that you’ll help me. I want to feel seen. Valued.
Or on the other side: I want to have the wiggle room to fail without it being a federal case. For you not to jump to conclusions about my character or love for you just because I forget things. What will you do if I really blow it?
Here’s the great news. When you’re able to get to those “bone-level” desires, you might be surprised by what you share.
Both of you, for example, want to feel respected and seen.
You might even find surprising solutions. Oh, you mean you didn’t leave that on the floor because you were a jerk, but because you’ve got a lot on your mind from work? How can I be there for you?
Rather than jumping to conclusions based on the “skin” of an argument, seek to understand what motivates your spouse.
Because it’s probably not the towel on the floor.
Every wonder why you keep arguing? Read more on that here.
The Good Stuff: What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (James 4:1)
Action Points: In your next conflict over the small stuff, ask yourself what lies beneath your spouse’s anger. If you don’t know, think of a neutral way to ask and understand. Listen well! Look to the levels of interest beneath the presenting issue, and speak to its depths rather than fixing the surface.
October 20
The Marriage Detox
I tried a cleanse once. It involved a lot of weird capsules the size of a stalk of asparagus, and not a whole lot else.
Through my extensive Google research, turns out there are a wide variety of cleanses, in fact. They involve everything from garcinia cabogia, bone broth, infrared saunas, custom juices, and all sorts of goodies to purge … well, whatever. With a chunk o’change, you could clean out everything from your liver to your acne.
What if you could detox what matters and lasts?
More to the point—what could a marriage detox look like?
Nix the junk food.
Maybe it’s time for a fast from social media (and its byproduct, discontentment) or from criticism and divisive thoughts (1 Peter 3:8).
It could be time to finally seek help for that porn problem.
Perhaps you need to burn the romance novels, or distance yourself from a friend who doesn’t encourage you in your marriage.
You may need to relentlessly purge your home of possessions that fool you with false satisfaction, drawing you away from God and each other.
Snack on whole foods.
What would it look like to feed your marriage nutritiously and without contaminants, getting back to the basics?
Could it involve reading the Word briefly together or praying together?
Would it be beneficial to tighten up on what media you consume together?
Is it time to surround yourselves with a supportive community, rather than living on a marital island?
Get some air.
The overwhelmed, overcommitted, exhausted version of the two of you—and your marriage—isn’t one where any marriage thrives or heals. It’s hard to clear the byproducts, so to speak, of irritability, resentment, and feeling used or unseen. What’s one thing you could stand to clear from your schedule?
Get off the couch.
It could be time for your family to burn some of its energy for purposes beyond itself. After all, as Proverbs teaches us, when we refresh others, we will be refreshed ourselves (Proverbs 11:25).
Does your marriage need a social media detox? Read more on both the good and harmful sides.
The Good Stuff: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)
Action Points: Get serious about detoxing your marriage. Pick one to three “cleansing” elements your marriage could really use.
October 21
You Drive, I’ll Nag-ivate
By Jim Mitchell
Yep. She actually said it to me on a road trip.
“You drive, I’ll nag-ivate.”
She meant “navigate,” of course, but the Freudian slip stuck its landing. We’ve laughed about it ever since.
And honestly, she sometimes does “nag-ivate” rather than navigate. She means no harm. She just wants to help and hates wasting time. But that’s not how it comes across.
Nothing feels worse as the driver than taking a wrong turn and having your spouse immediately comment on it. No matter what words she uses, all you hear is, “Hey stupid, you took a wrong turn. I noticed.” Maybe it comes with a subtitle for easy translation: You are incompetent.
Again, that’s not what’s in her heart. But it is what lands in yours.
Conversely, nothing feels better after taking a wrong turn than hearing … nothing. You actually have breathing room to find your way back on track.
Oh, you’re certain she noticed the wrong turn. And she may very well be biting her tongue hard over there.
But the patient silence speaks volumes: “I’m just thankful you’re keeping us safe. You’re doing a great job. I trust you.”
So empowering.
Wrong turns are inevitable. But giving your spouse a little room for error can make the trip more enjoyable for both of you. That’s helpful navigation.
Click to hear why nagging never works for a wife, and what she can do instead.
The Good Stuff: Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.(Proverbs 19:11)
Action Points: The next time you notice your spouse doing something stupid, don’t. Don’t notice. Overlook it and give space for course correction you don’t control.
October 22
The Worst Moment in Your Marriage
I hesitate to even bring it up—because even saying “the worst moment in your marriage” can conjure some aching, terrible moments.
They’re moments you never envisioned when you two were doe-eyed at the altar, when your vows had little more than imagination attached.
Maybe it was the day a parent died or a terrible miscarriage. Maybe it was a lost dream or the vision you had for a child. Maybe it was the day you found him with porn or the texts on her phone.
As a wife who’s walked through dark days, I ask an honest question: What if the next worst moment in your marriage … could be one of your best?
I’m not saying flowers and unicorns will spontaneously erupt from the next agonizing day before you.
But in some of those moments where life felt ripped open, I found myself pleading—at times in unintelligible gasps—for God’s wisdom. I’ve asked for the impossible. I’ve begged Him to somehow, somehow create beauty out of what could only be ashes. Sometimes, I’ve only been able to whisper some form of “Help.”
And following those moments, I see a distinct pattern of baffling follow-through on God’s part.
Most frequently, God has helped me to move beyond knee-jerk reactions that stem from the soil of profound fear. Rather than my instincts to control or punish or despair, He’s substituted supernatural gentleness. A relational pursuit to bless the other person rather than curse them. A trust that somehow, God can create new life from every loss, every death.
God has given both me and my husband the power to repeat a version of what Jesus did. He’s granted the power to trust Him with what’s most precious to us. He’s helped us to forgive and move toward each other in kindness and sacrifice, rather than revenge.
Essentially? Those worst moments are opportunities for the message of Jesus to speak the loudest. They turn our stories into love stories—not of the Disney variety, but the kind that go the distance.
What could God do with your next worst moment?
Do you have unrealistic expectations for your marriage? Read on.
The Good Stuff: By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. (1 John 3:16)
Action Points: No one wants to think about the next worst moment in their marriage. But pray that whenever your painful days come, God will empower you to trust Him and replay all over again His forgiveness and perfect plan.
October 23
This Is Dumb
As we were preparing for our wedding, my wife absorbed every piece of bridal information she could get her hands on: TV programs, magazines, even bridal expos.
I didn’t know much about planning a wedding, so at first, her diligence was reassuring. Over time, however, I realized something was wrong.
Long after the wedding was over, she continued to buy the magazines and watch the wedding shows. I didn’t know what to make of it. She kept showing me pictures of wedding cakes and all I could think was, This is dumb. We’re married already.
I realized that I had a choice to make. I could continue to belittle her interests in the hopes that she would give it up, or I could find a way to enter her world.
I decided to take a closer look at those cakes.
The more I learned, the more intrigued I became. I was hooked the day I saw a miniature village crafted out of chocolate and sugar at a bridal show. The engineering was incredible. Suddenly, these cakes didn’t seem so dumb.
Did I suddenly fall in love with ribbons and fancy parties? No. But I did find a way to respect something she cared about.
When her father turned 50, I helped her make a cake so tall she needed to stand on a chair to decorate the top. It weighed a ton and fed more than 200 people. The cake was a hit. People couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful it was.
Yet while all eyes were on the cake, mine were fixed on my wife. She was glowing in a way I had never seen before.
A few years later, she opened her own wedding cake business. Not only was I able to watch her excel in a career that gave her joy, but we were able to do it together. I even helped her make a smoking volcano out of sugar for a dinosaur cake.
Eighteen years of working side by side—which almost never happened—all because I decided to be a part of her world.
Do hobbies cause disagreements in your marriage? Read more on the importance of sharing common interests with your spouse.
The Good Stuff: Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
Action Points: Does your spouse have an interest or hobby you’ve belittled? What would it look like for you to take a step toward growing respect for your spouse’s interest? Is there a way for you to participate without giving up what makes you uniquely you?
October 24
What Overcommitment Might Actually Be Costing You
About five years ago now, my husband and I were deep into the process of adopting our fifth child. (Yeah. We’re one of those.)
But to keep a long, painful story short: As we walked through those steps—prayerfully, carefully—my husband realized we were consistently limited on time, resources, and energy.
A fifth child would be heroic and meaningful and an expression of Jesus. But living life to the limits of our margin could have untold effects on our home.
I think it took me longer to realize this: I am constantly, classically living life at the edge of my margins. I struggle to differentiate between an opportunity and what God actually needs me to do (no more, no less). I pray Ephesians 2:10: What are the “good works, which God prepared beforehand, that [I] should walk in them”?
https://www.biblestudytools.com/esv/ephesians/2-10.html
It’s easy to look at the fun or unnecessary aspects of my life and think, “I could just do less of that if I took on this one wonderful thing.”
And maybe you’re the kind of person who could! But in my own life, that’s not where the toll is subtracted from.
It’s deducted from my sunny mood with my husband and kids. From my graciousness, my diligence and vigilance in their lives. It robs my energy to love on friends. It means I win less of my kid’s hearts because I’m cranky and demanding.
Basically, it means I love less well and with less joy. It means my overcommitment robs, among other things, my marriage.
My husband, quite gently and with much wisdom and compassion, put it this way: “Sometimes your overcommitment affects how the gospel is played out in our home.”
What he meant: It’s harder for us to see God’s unconditional, happy, sacrificial love when you’re constantly stressed and irritated, doing for God more than being with Him. Kindness and generosity and relationships take time and a wholeness of heart—not a harried, you-get-the-leftovers love.
So the act of faith we chose in the adoption process was instead that God had this plan for some other family.
But our small “noes” matter in marriage, too. This week, this month? Choose to do less.
With your margin, you might even love more like God.
Trying to find the balance between work and home? Check out these tips.
The Good Stuff: For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment… (Romans 12:3)
Action Points: What are the “whys” beneath your overcommitment?
- Do you base your peace of mind on productivity?
- Do you feel like you have achieved, helped, or performed if you reach certain expectations? Is your sense of worth tied to what you accomplish?
- Do you hate to disappoint?
- Do you tend to elevate how necessary you are, forgetting God’s ability to do things without you?
October 25
Luke, I Am [Not] Your Father
Bags were collecting by the front door. My husband was preparing to leave on a 10-day trip and he wanted a memorable day before he took off.
So I crafted a big, sit-down dinner. Dishes overflowed from the sink, but I sank into my chair next to our kids.
I don’t think it was until later that my husband gently pointed out what should have been obvious. “Honey, I don’t know how to tell you this … but I’m not your dad.”
He carefully explained that while my father would have loved a big send-off meal, he would rather get pizza, pull me off dish duty, and spend time with all of us doing something other than eating.
Sometimes it’s still so easy to lapse into my default setting of the ways my parents did marriage—healthy or unhealthy.
Rather than seeking to love my husband in the individual ways meaningful to him, I opt for the “good wife” stereotype. Or assumptions I make about men. Or what I’d like my husband to do for me. Or my parents’ patterns.
But in seeking to honor him, it means more if I see him specifically, rather than my stereotypes.
Or simply ask him.
Jesus did this remarkably. He loved each person according to their own needs, whether it was Zaccheus, blind Bartimaeus, or the woman at the well.
Jesus asked questions specific to their needs. And He may have known the response before asking (see Matthew 6:8), but He still thought it worthwhile to seek their interaction and response, to create a relationship and allow the person to communicate what was within.
Turns out my husband doesn’t actually desire me to wear makeup every day like my mom did (“I like your face,” he shrugs). He and I switch up or share a lot of what our parents deemed as gender-specific jobs. And over a spotless house, he prefers when I’m not worn down to nubbins by the end of the day.
What could we unearth when we seek to love our spouses like someone other than our stereotypes?
Read on about how to respectfully “leave and cleave.”
The Good Stuff: And Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51)
Action Points: Open the discussion for your spouse to articulate what is (and isn’t) meaningful from your “default” ways of showing affection.
October 26
The Kind of Friend I Need
By Ed Uszynski
Went to lunch with a close friend to vent about an argument Amy and I were mired in.
As hoped, he totally related. Empathized with wisdom. Totally in alignment with why she was wrong and I was right.
Then he asked how I was going to apologize.
“Excuse me? Have I just completely misunderstood the bro-hug moment I thought we were having here? What do you mean, ‘apologize’?”
“Easy,” he said. “She’s 95% wrong. You need to go home and own the 5% where you were clearly wrong.”
Wanted to toss my drink in his face. Total violation of understood man-code: “You can’t take my side and hers at the same time.”
Except I knew he was right.
Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.
I desperately need friends who will save me from myself by not letting me wallow in self-centered pity or justification, who will challenge me to listen to the Spirit of God and not just the spirit of Ed.
So go ahead and get it out with someone—keeping in mind “A fool gives full vent to his spirit” (Proverbs 29:11).
Just make sure you’re dumping your thoughts on friends who know how to sift through your words like scientists digging through and studying piles of dinosaur poop in Jurassic Park.
Somewhere in that pile is the truth I need to hear, and I need men who will not only place it in front of me, but also encourage me to do the right thing with it.
Who are your friends who will do that for you? Thank them.
Don’t have any? Time to get some—and ask for that kind of push back.
Pray today that God would bring someone to mind who can process your marriage with you in this season of life.
Someone who will empathize, but also help you grow and discern the next right step.
Could something be standing in the way of your friendships?
The Good Stuff: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)
Action Points: What’s one thing for which you need the wisdom and courage to say “no,” in order for your family and marriage to get the right “yeses”?
October 27
On Wearing a Mouth Guard
For a long time, when I snapped at my husband, I called it stress. Or I mentally tagged it “his fault.” Or maybe I would attribute it to the kids, the schedule, the hormones, the unrealistic demands on my life.
But some words of missionary and author Amy Carmichael turned my cycle of blame on its head. She wrote, “A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred.”
Hmm. Well, I think we can scratch “brimful of sweetness” off the list.
Any marriage counselor or conference or book worth its salt will no doubt address how you’re talking to each other. (… Or aren’t.)
Why does it matter so much?
Because in a lot of ways, communication is the quality and quantity of the connection we share.
Words are the tether between us, disclosing what’s truly in us: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
A frappuccino sloshes out frappuccino. A cup of acid sloshes out acid.
Our words reflect our hearts. Our communication problems are essentially … heart problems.
What kind of tie exists between you, in light of your communication? What brand of humanity is exposing itself between you? Does it display an eagerness to throw something or someone under the bus—or a heart of graciousness, even when jostled?
We care about our speech because we care about the connection between us. And even more, because we care about our spouses. When you care about the quality of your communication, you understand the role it plays in keeping your love alive—and a relationship that gives life to both of you.
Learn more about the power of words in this free, seven-day devotional.
The Good Stuff: Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
Action Points: Ruthlessly apply the Ephesians 4:29 rule to your own speech:
- No talk that corrupts (breaks down).
- Only talk that builds up.
- Talk with appropriate timing.
- Talk that gives grace to everyone listening.
October 28
It’s a No, and It’s Unanimous
By Jim Mitchell
“Jim, I just wanted to call and tell you, it’s a no … and by the way, it was unanimous.”
That’s the call I received letting me know I’d not gotten the job.
I’d been waiting anxiously. This was not just any job—it was my dream job. One I felt qualified and gifted for. One I’d worked hard to attain and really wanted. And honestly, one I badly needed because my wife and I were in a difficult financial spot at the time. Which is what made the call so difficult.
Well, that and the fact that it wasn’t a simple no. It was a no with the added detail, “it was unanimous.” Apparently not a single person there felt I was the right fit. Not one.
We weren’t just disappointed, we were devastated. Like, sobbing-together-in-the-floor devastated. Literally. We prayed and we tried to turn our focus to the future, but it crushed us.
Then something beautiful happened. “It’s a no, and it’s unanimous” became our rallying cry. Words that had wounded also created a defiant us-against-the-world resolve in the face of questions:
- Is it true that not a single person sees our value?
- Has God really abandoned us?
- Will we put joy on hold and stop dreaming of a bright future together?
“It’s a NO!” We said it together and we meant it. A unanimous vote of two.
Looking back, I know God was right alongside us the whole time. So I would never seek to diminish His presence.
But I’ll also tell you, this was a profoundly human moment for us, where we looked each other in the eye and learned beyond any doubt that one plus one does not simply equal two. Sometimes in a marriage, when spouses cling to one another as God intends, one plus one equals enough.
As followers of Christ, how do we deal with disappointment?
The Good Stuff: Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
Action Points: What unanimous “No!” needs to come from you and your spouse today to bind you together in the hope of a bright future?
October 29
Do This, Not That
By Lisa Lakey
Have you ever read one of those books that tells you what to eat and what not to eat? Order the chicken sandwich, NOT the burger. Helpful, right?
Sure, it is. I like the straightforwardness of it all. But I don’t advise applying this philosophy to your marriage. This sounds odd, but bear with me for a moment.
Early in our marriage, I was one of those crazies who reloaded the dishwasher after my spouse. The way he did it drove me crazy, so I would rearrange the cups, flip the forks around in the basket, and sneak in a few extra dishes. Yet, imagine my anger the night I walked into the kitchen for a drink of water only to find the dinner dishes piled up in the sink.
But he said he was going to clean the kitchen! And he did, sort of. He put away the leftovers, wiped the counters, and rinsed the dishes. “Is the dishwasher broken?” I asked. “No,” he replied. “I just figured you would rearrange them anyway.”
Ouch. Consider me convicted.
We often don’t see how our “gentle correction” of our spouse can convey a different message: Your way is wrong. I can do this better myself. You’re not good enough.
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, we’re reminded, “[Love] does not insist on its own way…” When I go behind my husband to “fix” his work, “correct” his attitude, or consistently suggest doing things the way I would do them, I’m insisting on my own way.
I don’t want to be that wife, a “do this, not that” spouse.
I want my husband to know I am confident in him, his capabilities, and his choices. If that means loading the dishwasher differently or ordering the burger, so be it.
We’re all selfish in nature, but do we really deserve to get our own way in marriage?
The Good Stuff: Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24)
Action Points: What “do this, not that” moments do you have with your spouse? Apologize for any instances that come to mind where you expected your spouse to do things your way.
October 30
How to Make It Past the First Week
By Ed Uszynski
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.”
When I first read these words, I promptly dismissed them as relational heresy.
Not even true, I thought. How can you say there are grounds for divorce when you’ve only been married for a week? And why is it already so difficult to find grounds for marriage? We just got started!
Sounds like someone giving up too easily to me.
Those words, mind you, are from a conservative, early-20th century theologian named Robert Anderson. A man completely against the idea of divorce.
But then—wasn’t it in the “first week” of marriage that I began to realize Amy had a different definition of a clean room?
Different ideas on how we’d manage our holidays.
Different end-of-day routine.
Different interpretation of movies.
Different needs for sleep.
Different approach to making lists—or not.
Differences that had always been there suddenly recognized as an intruder to my way of living. Fresh off the honeymoon, most of those differences still seemed charming, but before long, they easily became grating annoyances.
They became the raw material of going-in-circles arguments, sleepless nights, and a drift toward isolation. A list of annoyances that could easily become the dreaded “irreconcilable differences.”
Unless I made a decision to see our differences as grounds that God wants to build something new on. As the raw material to shape me into something I wouldn’t become on my own.
The challenge—or “trick”—is to see our differences through a lens of gratitude, maybe even as a gift from God to grow us up.
So please accept my apology, Rev. Anderson.
Looks like you’re right about that first week—and the rest of marriage—after all.
Read more for Barbara Rainey’s response to her daughter’s question about differences in marriage.
The Good Stuff: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
Action Points: What’s currently the most isolating difference between you and your spouse? How would your perspective change if you considered these an assignment from God, on purpose? Take a minute to thank God for what makes you different.
October 31
What’s Your Piece of Cake?
Many things don’t come naturally to me: Coordination. Math. Directions. Skinniness.
But people, I can do.
I fall just to this side of extroversion. In fact, I am told I can be charming. (Someone else might call it the “art of the schmooze.” But I digress.)
My husband, however, is an introvert. He loves people. But occasionally he enters the house after a day of work with that look on his face. It reads, My daily word bucket was full 4,679 words ago. I can have dinner, but I prefer to focus on my fork.
After we got married, I tumbled into social settings as easily and pizzazz-ily as I always had. But I began to notice how painful small talk could be for him, or how he dreaded social glad-handing. What came easily to me could be as fun for him as opening mail from the IRS.
At some point, he asked if, instead of just sparkling socially, I could provide a way in for him. Maybe in those group conversations, I could ask what he thinks. Could I say people’s names and mention what I recalled about them, bringing him up to speed?
Initially, I had thought of my gifts contributing to our marriage in terms of, say, whipping up more than Hormel chili for dinner or managing a household like a boss. But I came to realize that even my people skills were a gift to benefit my marriage—one that could be a key to open doors not just for me, but him.
Sometimes that meant I needed to dial back in order to let him shine, too. In those moments, I got to introduce the world to the mother lode of awesomeness I witnessed every day in the guy.
Each of us toted gifts to the table of marriage—and could use them either to keep paving the way for ourselves, or advocating for each other.
If something is a piece of cake for you, how can you make it a piece you can share?
One of the most important things we can do in marriage is to speak life to our spouses. Listen in for tips.
The Good Stuff: As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace. (1 Peter 4:10)
Action Points: What comes easily to you—and not as easily to your spouse? Maybe it’s connecting with one of your children, budgeting, or staying in touch with distant friends. What are three practical ways you could use your gift, not to leave your spouse behind, but share the wealth?