December: I Do Every Day
December 1
Not Your Hallmark Christmas
By Lisa Lakey
I love a good romance. I’m more than happy to curl up with a blanket and a bucket of popcorn and waste an entire day watching chick flicks. Throw in a snowy day, a Christmas mix-up, and a happy ending? You had me at Hallmark.
My husband, not so much. If nothing’s being blown up, shot down, or wrecked (apparently emotions don’t count here), he’s out.
That’s a pretty good picture of who we are.
I entered marriage with a Hallmark Christmas mentality. I wanted to experience love and laughter with a cute guy (nailed that part!) and experience my happily ever after. Sure, we’d have a few arguments here and there that would threaten to pull us apart, but we’d always find our way back to each other. Because, as any good Hallmark movie plot will tell you, we were “meant to be.”
The problem? Our life often looks more like an action film. There have been car wrecks, verbal blow-ups, and feelings of being shot down by the one we love the most. And y’all, it rarely even snows here.
But that’s reality. Hallmark movies, in all their fun, are fake. Reality? It’s not so bad. It’s been filled with laughs, romance, miracles, and struggles that made us stronger.
The problem would come if I compared my marriage (especially my husband and our romance level) to the fake standards of what I see in a Christmas flick.
My husband may not be an undercover prince with a castle in some picturesque European country, but he is a strong provider for our family, loves me despite my many faults, and gets my sense of humor. We may not have the mounds of snow, but we’ve shared carriage rides around a town square and snuggled by a fire during an ice storm (but then we lost power for two days and it was crazy cold).
Bottom line? Trade that Hallmark movie mentality for a real love story. Enjoy the romance flicks, but love your own romance more.
Feeling the holiday spirit? Here are “10 Ways to Prepare Your Heart for Christmas.”
The Good Stuff: And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joyb that will be for all the people.” (Luke 2:10)
Action Points: Grab a couple of mugs of cocoa, curl up by the fireplace, and recall your own romantic moments. How did you meet? How did he propose? What stands out in your own life movie? Where have you seen challenges grow you more closely together?
December 2
Who’s the Fairest of Them All?
In college, a boy told me he was in love with me. (Spoiler: not my husband-to-be.)
One of my favorite of his qualities? He was kind of adoring. Everyone wants to feel like someone would lay their jacket across a puddle. And there were days early in my marriage when I wondered if I should have opted for “Jacket Man.
Because my husband is one of the most relentlessly truthful dudes I have ever met. And flattery and truth-telling are rarely found in the same person.
Many days, I’m grateful. My husband’s a trustworthy mirror.
He’s close, courageous, knowledgeable, and strong enough to not just be a “yes-man” but a “no-man.” He’s not taken in by my ruses, manipulations, skillful maneuvering, or ways I fool myself.
But sometimes I just wish I could spend a few days at the beach, far from mirrors. Parts of my body buried in the sand—mostly my head.
But then God reminds me of our utter blindness toward our own junk. How we consistently under-appraise our sin’s effects. Of our need for a mirror.
Our spouse (kids, parents, friends) could likely tell us, in a heartbeat, what sin we wrestle with most. That character trait we think is under control, just minimally impacting our lives. The Bible’s pretty clear we need an entire body of people walking with us toward holiness, wrestling with and away from sin together.
Who are our “no-people”? As we ascend into leadership positions, it becomes even more critical to have them around us—because just as with our strengths, the effects of our sin become more widespread and powerful.
Would my husband tick the box of “fan” or “adoring” in his husband-y job description? Yes, actually.. He’s my biggest/most adoring fan, but not in a lay your jacket over a puddle kind of way. I can tell because he cares enough to say something. He’s not snowed by what I look like on paper.
And that’s a good thing. Because I need a true friend that will speak the truth to me in love.
While truth is a vital part of marriage, so is “Speaking the Truth in Love.”
The Good Stuff: For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith. (Philippians 3:8-9)
Action Points:
- What does your typical reaction to criticism reveal about your heart’s humility and teachability? (What would your spouse say?)
- Are you willing to accept truth from any source about your character, no matter the person’s status or method?
- Looking back, what constructive criticism have you received that helped you grow??
December 3
A Banana Tree Marriage
I knew the perfect spot for the tree. It was easy to imagine how it would look full-grown, especially since it came with a picture of bright yellow bananas attached to one of the leaves.
As I looked over the tree, I began to wonder. What if it had been mislabeled? What if I planted it, and it never produced any fruit? Or worse, what if I got a fruit I didn’t like? Just because someone hung a picture of bananas on it doesn’t make it a banana tree. It needs banana tree DNA.
The funny thing is, the same thing is true with us. Sort of.
When my wife adds one more “quick stop” after a long day or reloads the dishwasher because I “didn’t do it right,” trying to be more patient or act more kind is like tying a mislabeled picture of a banana tree on a regular oak tree. It might fool some people from a distance, but when you look closely the truth becomes clear. My efforts are as flimsy as cardboard, and she can see right through them.
My “DNA” is naturally selfish, and my fruit is naturally bitter. Every day, I must choose to die to myself and replace my nature with Christ’s. When I do, the fruit of His Spirit is able to follow: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
And that will make my marriage sweeter than any banana tree.
Looking for more fruit of the Spirit in your life? Listen to Jessica Thompson talk about how to get back to the true source of joy, peace, love, and change.
The Good Stuff:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
Action Steps:
What is one fruit of the Spirit you wish you had more of in your marriage? What is one thing you can do to get closer to God today?
December 4
It’s Not About the Fajitas
By Lisa Lakey
I diced, chopped, sliced, and sautéed to my heart’s content. The chicken sizzled as it hit the pan, the tortillas were keeping warm in the oven. Twenty minutes later, dinner was served.
Sixty minutes after we finished, my husband came home. He saw the meal I had prepared, the one the kids and I had enjoyed more than an hour before, and apologetically said he wasn’t hungry. I just smiled and didn’t say a thing. His schedule had been crazy all week. No big deal, right?
Until 90 minutes later.
The kids were in bed and we were kicking up our feet for the night. My dear husband walked into the kitchen and poured a bowl of cereal. I heard the familiar crunch of the bag, and the sound stopped me in my reading. Oh, no he didn’t.
But he did. As he brought his bowl to the living room, cluelessly crunching along the way, I simmered. When he caught my glare, he asked, “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I muttered. But with a glance from me to the bowl, it hit him.
“Sorry,” he said. “I really wasn’t thinking.”
It wasn’t about the fajitas. It was about the effort I put out to make my family a nice meal. To me, the bowl of cereal represented his lack of appreciation. To him? It was just a quick snack. A bit of comfort food after a long day.
So often in marriage, the little annoyances, or even moments we feel disrespected, are actually just moments of miscommunication. He said one thing, you heard (or better yet, felt) something entirely different. These aren’t intentional jabs meant to leave scars. Sometimes it’s just two different points of view; other times, it’s an “I really wasn’t thinking” moment.
Instead of stewing over these moments, let’s remember our spouses aren’t our enemies. Look at the entire situation (What was their day like? Are there any distractions around them?) and what we already know about our spouses (Is he normally kind and thoughtful?) before jumping to conclusions.
Listening actually has more to do with humility than we think. Not sure? Listen to this Real FamilyLife® minute.
The Good Stuff: A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2)
Action Points: The next time your spouse does something that gets your blood boiling, stop. Before saying anything, ask yourself two things: Does this fit with who I know my spouse is? Is there something going on with them under the surface?
December 5
My Wife’s Prayer List
By Brian Goins
No. 1 on my wife’s prayer list? That her husband would pray with her.
You might think a seminary trained, church-planting pastor and FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® speaker would walk out of his prayer closet daily, grab his wife’s hand, and confidently lead her before the throne room of God—all before bacon and eggs.
But for 23 of our 25 years of marriage, the No. 1 thing on my wife’s prayer list was that I would pray more often with her. When I was single, I think I prayed a lot more for a wife than when God finally gave me a wife.
It’s not like we didn’t pray. I mean, when you log the time before dinners, holidays, kids’ bedtimes, communion, and the holy flares we shot off before crucial kids’ playoff games, it certainly adds up. But I knew deep down, our prayer life together felt more rote than right.
I can’t tell you exactly why it has been such a struggle in my married life. You can point to the usual suspects: no models, insecurities, laziness. As a student of Scripture I’d salve my soul with the knowledge, “There’s no explicit command in the Bible about a husband praying with his wife; certainly nothing about frequency.”
Though the Apostle Paul said, “nourish and cherish” your wife (Ephesians 5:29). And I often heard the half-brother of Jesus slice through my sanctimonious veil with the words, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17).
So yeah, no chapter and verse, but I knew what my wife needed to feel nourished and cherished. For her man to grab her hand more regularly and practice the presence of God together.
About two years ago, we picked a time that worked for both of us. It may not be daily, but it’s consistent … and my wife wrote “answered” by that prayer request.
Looking to jump-start your prayer life? Check out The Story of Us: A Couples Devotional.
The Good Stuff: So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:17)
Action Points: Ask your spouse what tops their prayer list. If you don’t know, then time praying with you may their No. 1.
December 6
Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy
We became enemies while looking for a Christmas tree.
We had set out on what was sure to be a magical, memory-making afternoon at the local tree farm. In retrospect, we probably could have planned better. Hallmark moments can’t be squeezed in between a son’s basketball game and a daughter’s volleyball game.
The tension actually began at McDonalds, where we rushed through our (un)happy meals. When we arrived at the tree farm, the price tags on the first trees we saw made both of us gasp—more than triple the mega-store alternative.
The next group was actually nicer looking than the first, but double the price. Tired and disappointed, we eventually found the cheap trees. The outing was turning into a debacle, and someone had to be blamed. So, naturally, we began to blame each other.
“I thought you said this place had incredible prices!”
“What do you mean you don’t know how tall our ceilings are?”
Our magical afternoon turned into a meltdown.
We got over that one pretty quickly, but the experience did show us how quickly spouses can turn on each other.
It sounds preposterous to think of your spouse as your enemy. You’d never say that. You’d never want them to lose so you could win. One of you would never think the other is standing in the way of your happiness, right?
Yet it happens all the time in the daily life of even a strong marriage. When this happens, we need to remind ourselves that our spouse is not our enemy.
In the difficult and challenging days of marriage, we have to choose to walk in ruthless trust of God’s goodness and His plans. When life gets hard and our spouse is beginning to feel like our enemy, we need to remember and believe that this husband or wife is God’s very best for me, His gift to me. Psalm 18:30 says, “As for God, His way is perfect.” God doesn’t make mistakes.
Does the stress of the holiday season bring out the worst in your marriage? Read on.
The Good Stuff: Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5)
Action Points: In what ways have you recently fallen into the trap of seeing your spouse as your enemy? Are there triggers that tend to lead you spiraling into this pattern (e.g., how you handle conflict, how you discipline your children or stepchildren, challenges with a former spouse, issues over in-laws, etc.)?
December 7
When Conversation Gets Stuck
By Lisa Lakey
On a recent anniversary date with my husband, I filled him in on upcoming appointments and activities for the kids. He filled me in on when he’d be out of town the following month, and we talked about a couple of work projects we were each doing. Then … silence.
It continued as he paid the tab and we headed to a movie, complete with popcorn and two action-packed hours we didn’t have to fill with small talk.
Alone time with your partner might not come easy. You’ve got kids that can’t seem to function without your constant direction, a demanding job that pushes past the 9-5, aging parents to care for, church events and Bible studies, or maybe just more volunteer opportunities than hours in the day.
Or maybe you’re both just so exhausted from life you can’t muster the energy for anything past immediate needs—coffee, food, sleep. We’ve been there, too. Frequently.
But connection requires communication. So when the words won’t come, here are 10 questions to ask your spouse that go a little deeper than schedules and the weather.
- How can I pray for you this week?
- Outside of work, what is the biggest stressor in your life right now?
- What do you wish we could do more of together as a couple?
- What are two things that make you feel happy?
- What do I do that makes you feel loved?
- What changes would you like to see in your life five years from now? Ten years?
- What is one thing you’re grateful for in this season of life?
- Is there anything I can take off your plate to make life a little easier for you?
- What is your favorite memory of us?
- In this season of life, what sounds like a reasonable amount of alone time for us (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly)?
Read on for more questions to ask when your marital conversations get stuck.
The Good Stuff: Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)
Action Points: Pick one of the questions above and find time to ask your spouse. Listen to their answer without interrupting, dishing judgment, or attempting to fix. Remember: Listening is more important to your communication with your spouse than speaking.
December 8
What Your Wife Really Wants for Christmas
By Lisa Lakey
Every year my husband dutifully asks if there is anything I would like for Christmas. And every year I rattle off a list of items I want or need but never got around to actually getting for myself. Same for you?
Guys, let’s talk. (Ladies, you’ll get a turn tomorrow.)
If you feel stuck shopping for your wife this Christmas, here are a few ideas of what your wife really wants.
She wants you to know her. Women often struggle with who we are. (No jokes about multiple personalities, guys.) We’re confident in our identities as mothers, even as wives. But if you stripped all that away, would anyone recognize us?
Let her know you see her for who God created her to be. Slip a pretty box under the tree with an invitation for dinner or even a special lunch. Spend the time getting to know her all over again.
She wants to know she can still turn your head. I know we can get in a habit of donning sweatpants and old t-shirts the moment we get home, but we still need to know you’re attracted to us. If you haven’t noticed, we tend to see ourselves in a negative light most of the time.
Sneak a list in her stocking of the top five things your attracted to. Maybe it’s the way she looks at you over her shoulder, her laugh, or maybe it really is the way she looks in those sweatpants and old tees.
She wants a day off. For one day (or week?), take care of all the things your wife would normally do—laundry, kids, meal planning, kitchen cleanup, the endless errands. You’ll get bonus points if at the end of the day you tell her you have no idea how she gets it all done. DO NOT say, “Today was so easy.” That is dangerous ground, fellas.
Whether she works 9-5 outside the home or not, giving her time to herself while you dive into her daily routine shows you recognize all the things she does.
Guys, when it comes down to it, most women just want to know you love us. My husband once wrote me a love letter with 30 little sticky notes on the bathroom mirror. I loved every single one. Some just had silly faces drawn on them. I might have loved those the most.
For more insights about blessing your wife, here are some more practical ideas.
The Good Stuff: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. (Proverbs 18:22)
Action Points: Considering the above suggestions, think of one “gift” you can give your wife this Christmas. And don’t wait until December 24th!
December 9
What Your Husband Really Wants for Christmas
By Lisa Lakey
I love Christmas shopping. I’ll spend weeks before the big day searching for the right gift that conveys just what that particular person means to me or our family.
But when it comes to my husband, I’m usually stuck. Outside of something with four-wheel drive or a large outboard motor, there isn’t much he wants.
So where does that leave wives who really want to express to our husbands just how much they mean to us? I asked a few guys. Here is what your husband really wants for Christmas.
Your involvement in his passions. My husband is an avid outdoor sportsman. Fishing, hunting, golf. He loves them all. Me, not so much. But I’ll do it anyway to join that part of his world.
So plan something for just the two of you this season. Wrap up some his and hers camo under the tree, or pick up two copies of a book he has mentioned wanting. Whatever his hobby is, find a way to be a part of it.
Respect and admiration. To most men, respect=love.
So how do you give respect for Christmas? Tell him all the ways his guidance has helped you over the years. Remind him of all the ways he is leading your family well and the many things you adore about him.
Your undivided attention. Women tend to take on a lot this time of year. But if we aren’t careful, the holiday busyness can quickly pull us away from the true meaning of Christmas … and even farther away from our husbands.
This year, carve out time to take him to his favorite restaurant for lunch or dinner and then listen to how he’s doing and what’s going on in his life. Or if your budget allows, place a box under the tree with hotel reservations for a night away—just the two of you.
And here is one more thing your husband would appreciate: Some slack.
My precious husband and I are like night and day all year long, but at no other time is it more apparent than during the holiday season. When I expect him to react to all the festivities with the same level of glee and zest as I do, it spoils it for both of us. And that is not how I want to spend the holidays with my love.
Learn more about “The Power of a Wife’s Affirmation.”
The Good Stuff: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)
Action Points: What’s one gift that really shows your husband what you think of him? You don’t have to wait until Christmas morning to show him you care.
December 10
Handle with Care (Unless You’re Jason Bourne)
Stereotyping is hard not to do. We all do it.
We think it’s cool when spies do it in movies, or maybe lawyers performing jury selection. They assemble seemingly innocuous clues and jump to brilliant conclusions.
Think Jason Bourne: “I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs 215 pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside …”
We think, That guy’s got skills.
And really, all of us are gathering clues to determine next steps:
Do I think my kid’s coach is just affectionately warm … or creepy?
That woman has her head covered. Guessing she’s Muslim.
Her ring finger is dented in—but no ring.
But obviously stereotypes get us into trouble when they look like sexism, racism, or ageism.
And when it’s not the Matt Damon-cool kind? It corrodes a marriage. Because stereotypes are far more than just our words or thoughts. They arise from our hearts (Matthew 12:34).
Thankfully, as a society, it’s become improper to stereotype women. No one wants to be the belittled wife or shoved into the category of “too ambitious” or “healthy…for a woman. Hopefully both spouses are eager to serve, whether in the form of getting a spouse a cup of coffee or balancing the checkbook.
Yet I’ve noticed men-bashing is more in vogue. Even Christian women might throw out, “But y’know, he’s a guy, so…” Finished off with a shrug that reads, What can you expect?
Personal observations, whether from trendy personality tests or wardrobe appraisals, are only helpful as long as they’re used as tools to understand and connect.
Our assessments should unlock dialogue rather than bolting shut the conversation.
Are the ways we speak of each other’s categories—genders included—unifying us? Or dividing us? Do declarations like “you always” or “you never” truly solve our problems, or create more?
Unless you’re Jason Bourne,shed the stereotypes.
Got a minute? In this FamilyLife Blended Minute, Ron Deal asks, “What’s Your Bias?”
The Good Stuff: “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” (John 7:24)
Action Points: Ban gender-stereotyping—even in jest—from your family’s dialogue. When you’re tempted to roll your eyes at your spouse’s gender or personality categories, remember no one is ever one way all the time.
December 11
Itching Ears
“Can you believe she said that?” I asked my son after his mother made a snarky comment.
“Yeah, you were wrong, Dad,” he replied.
It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. I was looking for some sympathy and validation. Instead, I was met with the cold, hard truth.
In a world of endless channels, podcasts, and playlists, we seldom listen to anything we don’t like. If I don’t like a song, a thumbs down ensures I never hear it again. If a friend says something I don’t like on social media, I can unfollow them.
My newsfeed is customized. My TV recommendations are based on my viewing history. Even the ads I watch are tailored to my buying habits.
But if everything we listen to caters to our preferences, how can we know if we are “wandering off into myths” (2 Timothy 4:3-4)?
What negative thoughts do you have about your spouse? Do you often think, “He never listens!” or “She doesn’t care!”? Whatever those thoughts are, you’ll naturally notice anything that supports your belief … and fail to see any evidence to the contrary. It’s called confirmation bias. And it can divide a home.
If we’re to avoid having “itching ears” (see today’s Good Stuff verse), we have to remove the blinders preventing us from seeing the opposing side … i.e., our spouse’s point of view. One way to do this is to surround yourself with people who won’t always agree with you.
For me that day, it was my son.
After the shock of his rebuke wore off, I realized he was right. I was wrong. Thankfully, he didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. He told me what I needed to hear.
For more on how this can look in your family, Listen to “Hearing One Another.”
The Good Stuff: For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. (2 Timothy 4:3-4)
Action Points: What negative thought about your spouse has been ringing in your ears lately? What do you think could be your spouse’s point of view on this? Talk this over with a trusted friend or mentor who isn’t afraid to speak the truth to you.
December 12
Born in a Barn
I grew up on a small, tidy farm. There was a rustling green for acres, the mottled red of apple trees, the streaked pink of rhubarb. Farms have their own simple beauty.
I doubt my parents saw it as simple. Seven days a week there were animals needing care and feeding. Go on vacation, and you’re hiring someone to do it for you.
And then there were the smells and sounds. As I picture entering our barn, I think of stamping and restlessness, crusted fur, the earthy hay. My mom, aka “My Love Language Is Cleanliness,” had a protocol for my dad and his rank clothing and boots after chores.
So I find a redolent metaphor in Jesus being born in a stable, laid to rest in a feed trough. Our God is not aloof. He doesn’t say, “Sorry, you and your marriage happen to be too disgusting for me.” Or, “I’ll just stay out here.” He didn’t even glide into an idyllic farm with cute chicks and carrots that taste best right out of the ground. He chose the filth.
As God entered the world from a screaming, sweating, grunting woman’s body, He came into our mess.
Manure can be scraped or hosed away; it’s much harder to reconcile the damage we do to each other. Francis Spufford describes in his book Unapologetic our “active inclination to break stuff, ‘stuff’ here including … promises, relationships we care about, and our own well-being and other people’s.”
Like a marriage, God was saying, “Your mess is my mess. You needed me, so I came all the way into this.”
Maybe this Christmas finds you or your marriage feeling distant from God. It could be your deep suffering. Or maybe you think God likes “clean” people. Allow me to introduce you to The God in the Mess. The God Who Relates to Every Rank Bit of It.
Or, as He called Himself, Immanuel, “God With Us.”
This Christmas, lean in. He’s ready for your mess.
Read “7 Ideas for Making Your Holidays ‘Holy Days.’”
The Good Stuff: For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)
Action Points: Take a minute. What are some of your biggest hurdles to feeling close to God? To feeling like He is “with” you? How does the truth of Jesus answer your mind’s questions?
December 13
Say “Cheese”
By Lisa Lakey
I’m terrible at remembering to take pictures. I tend to be an in-the-moment kind of girl, and I often reflect on times with my husband and wish we would have snapped a picture of at least one moment. The hikes we’ve taken, the meals we’ve shared, the trips we’ve enjoyed. I have very little documentation of any of them outside of our own memories.
Yes, I probably should have taken more pictures. But can I just clear something up? Pictures are not worth a thousand words. (Trust me, I’m a writer.) Sorry to all my photographer friends.
Pictures are great for recalling memories. Or even sharing with friends and distant relatives about what’s going on with your family. I’m thankful technology allows me to have a camera in my phone (not that I remember to use it).
But pictures don’t tell you the story behind that five-second shot. That picture of your friend’s new baby didn’t show how long they had waited to hold a child of their own in their arms. Or the mounds of paperwork on their adoption journey after years of medical help to get pregnant didn’t work.
That sweet date night photo your friend posted (that made you a tad bit jealous)? It doesn’t show the months of counseling it took to get them back to this point. In fact, it could be the first real date night they’ve had in years.
The moral of the story (um, devotion)? Think twice before comparing your snapshots to someone else’s.
If I snapped a quick photo right now, it would show me happily typing away at my kitchen table while the kids quietly watch a movie together in the living room. But what you wouldn’t see? The arguing and, yes, yelling it took to get them to do their chores to earn that movie. You wouldn’t see the fact that I am working yet another weekend because my daughter has been sick and I’m behind with deadlines.
But it’s all there, behind the photo you’d get to see. Know what else you would see? A five-second moment I’m thankful for.
Has social media turned us into comparison junkies? Listen to why this vice might be demolishing our contentment.
The Good Stuff: So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. (James 2:12-13)
Action Points: On a quick coffee date, pull out the photo albums (or your phone) and look back over any pictures you’ve taken together. What can each of you remember about these photos?
December 14
The Gift of Space
By Aubrey Way
During a heavy, stressful season of work a few years ago, I began experiencing back pain. Assuming I’d slept on it wrong, I went about normal life, impatiently waiting for the pain to disappear.
Months before, I’d made plans with our city’s ultimate frisbee team to travel across the country and play in a tournament. As the tournament drew closer, the pain remained and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to play. But with tickets already purchased, I decided to go anyway.
At the time, our kids were 5 and 2. A weekend away was no small thing. And the weekend was the only time I could give my wife a much-needed (and deserved) break.
Yet she graciously forwent this break in order to give me the space to leave town and play a game for two days.
Surprisingly (to me), the long hours of strenuous activity at this tournament did not result in soreness, exhaustion, and further injury (well, there was a little soreness). Instead, I experienced my stress melting away and my back being totally restored.
I hadn’t realized my back pain was stress-induced. Without the chance to step away, I wonder how long it would’ve taken me to make that connection—and what kind of physiological, mental, and emotional consequences I would have faced as a result.
In freeing me up to step away for a bit, my wife put my interests above her own. She thought she was making a sacrifice for the sake of something fun but frivolous, but God used it to accomplish something necessary and restorative.
Read more on how to support your spouse’s mental health.
The Good Stuff: Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
Action Points: Could your spouse use a break? Think of one chore or activity you can take off their plate this week to give them space to rest.
December 15
The Saddest Words in a Christmas Carol
By Dave Boehi
Christmas was not a happy time for him.
His country was embroiled in a war he hated, from which his son had returned home with severe wounds. He grieved deeply for his wife, who had died after a freak accident two years before.
And so on Christmas Day in 1863, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote a poem called “Christmas Bells.”
The poem eventually inspired the hymn we know as “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” and contains what may be the saddest words I’ve seen in a Christmas carol:
And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!”
Over the years, I’ve known married couples who have experienced the type of hardships that doom many relationships—financial difficulties, death of a child, debilitating disease. They all faced a crisis of faith when they had to come to terms with the fact that life and marriage were not going to turn out as they had hoped.
One of these husbands was overwhelmed with the reality of raising a child with special needs and the pressure it was putting on his marriage. He said, “I remember praying in the midst of my tears, ‘Lord, I have nothing to believe in if I can’t believe You are good and You are sovereign. I’m not sure I feel that, but if it’s not true, then what’s life about? I am going to choose to believe that You would not allow anything but good to come into my life.’”
Until Jesus returns, we will never see the type of “peace on earth” that so many long for. The planet and the people contained therein have not been fully restored—brokenness and its consequences still remain. In fact, Jesus Himself guaranteed it: “In this world you will have trouble.” (John 16:3, NIV).
But we can experience peace in our hearts when we put our trust in the God who engineered the universe. Longfellow’s dark cloud began to lift when he chose to focus on the fact that God is alive, in control, and has a bigger plan than we can understand. I think that’s the kind of peace he finally experienced and described on that December morning in 1863:
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men!”
Do you struggle to believe in a good God? You’re not alone. Read Dennis Rainey’s battle and victory over doubt for encouragement.
The Good Stuff: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Action Points: In what areas of life do you struggle to find peace? Make a list of your concerns/fears and talk them over with your spouse. Are there any practical things you can do to ease your stress or improve the situation? For the things that are out of your control, pray with your spouse about surrendering them to God. Don’t be discouraged if you find you need to pray the same prayer many times—even daily.
December 16
New, Old Christmas Traditions
By Lisa Lakey
Wrapping paper was everywhere. Far too many toys scattered the floor, their packaging lying in ruins as our 1-year-old zoomed from one to the next—the effects of a sugar cookie and chocolate milk for breakfast apparent to all. My husband and I laughed with my husband’s parents, enjoying an extra cup or two of coffee before the rest of the family arrived.
But my heart just wasn’t fully in it.
Part of me loved having extended family together on Christmas morning (I’m blessed with fantastic in-laws). But a bigger, more selfish part wished we were home. Our home. By the Christmas tree we had decorated, the same one our daughter had undecorated anywhere her little hands could reach.
We had been married for four years, but this was the first Christmas I felt homesick. I missed my family and our traditions. We hadn’t opened one present on Christmas Eve the way my family did when I was a kid. We didn’t play board or card games either. There was no Christmas movie the night before, no endless reruns of A Christmas Story on the TV.
When we got married, I inherited another set of parents, a grandmother, a sister and nephew, and aunt and uncles. That was the easy part. I actually like these people.
But what I didn’t expect was that I also inherited someone else’s holiday traditions. I worried keeping my traditions meant losing his. I didn’t want that. But there were also traditions I didn’t want to sacrifice. Traditions I wanted to enjoy with our children and, one day, our grandchildren.
After we had headed home that Christmas, my husband and I talked about what each of our expectations were for holidays. We were surprisingly on the same page with one thing: We wanted our kids home on Christmas morning.
That day changed our Lakey Family Christmas traditions. After talking it over with our parents, we decided Christmas morning was for our little family, and we would visit my family later in the day. Since my husband’s family is three hours away, we decided we would spend each Thanksgiving at their home, and celebrate Christmas with them on New Year’s.
Several years later and another kid added to the mix, I no longer feel homesick during the holidays. We established our own traditions (including a Christmas Eve scavenger hunt) and kept what we love about each other’s—a breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls from my husband’s side, and making a big event of decorating the tree from mine.
And I’ve realized another thing (took me awhile, huh?): Wherever my little family is, is home.
Dennis and Barbara Rainey share some advice on “Establishing Your Family’s Own Christmas Traditions.”
The Good Stuff: Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15)
Action Points: Feeling a little holiday tension around family gatherings? Take a quick coffee or hot cocoa date with your spouse this week. Express (kindly but genuinely) how you feel about the traditions you have in place. Are they too much? Is all the go-go-go leaving you frazzled, homesick? Listen openly to your spouse’s point of view and then discuss how you can establish traditions that honor both sets of families..
December 17
Mole Crickets
I’m a Brooklyn-raised city boy, but I dream of being a country one. Maybe it comes from growing up in a world made of concrete, but whatever the reason, I not only dream of wide open fields, but I also like to imagine myself as a farmer. As soon as the temperature allows it, I must get my hands in the dirt and plant something.
This season, I planted corn. The only problem was no matter how much water or fertilizer I used, the plants seemed to be on life support. When harvest season came, I only managed to produce a single, stunted ear of corn. I couldn’t understand it.
A few weeks later, I was working in the garden bed when I realized my problem—a massive mole cricket infestation. The crickets burrow underground and feast on roots. My poor corn was being fed an ample supply of water and fertilizer but never had the chance to taste it.
Unfortunately, our spiritual lives are often not much different. Many of us go to church regularly. We are watered and fed by the Word. We have great teaching and community, but we aren’t growing as we should. The problem may not be in the spiritual food we are consuming. We might have something interfering with our ability to absorb it. And often, we need to look no further than our own marriages.
In Malachi 2:13-14, God rejected the offerings of His people because they were unfaithful in their marriages. In 1 Peter 3:7, we learn that dishonoring our spouses can hinder our prayers. And even though we all want God to be on our side, James 4:6 teaches that God “opposes the proud.” Bitterness, pride, resentment, unforgiveness, and overall harshness toward our spouses can all block us from receiving what God is trying to give us.
If your life is not producing fruit as it should, maybe what you need isn’t a different church, another sermon, or better worship music. Maybe what you need is to look under the surface and make things right with your spouse.
What does it look like to combat bitterness?
The Good Stuff: Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)
Action Points: Ask God to reveal areas in your marriage that need to be surrendered to Him. If you dare, ask a trusted friend to tell you if there is an area of your life you are overlooking.
December 18
Goose and Mav, Revisited
When I first heard Top Gun 2 was coming out, it had me reminiscing about the original cultural icon and how it swept up an entire generation. Of Goose and Maverick speeding toward all the villains behind their dark visors, twisting in combat.
It’s like that in marriage, isn’t it? We’re both in a battle, often with enemies unseen.
Perhaps God was foreshadowing this invisible combat in Genesis when he described Eve with the Hebrew word ezer, the word we translate as helper. Did you know the word is only used elsewhere to describe a military ally or God Himself as helper? You might say an ezer is an old-school wingman.
There are a lot of ways I want to be my husband’s shield. But there’s one glaring way I could leave my wingman: Who else is praying for my husband like a spouse could?
I can hear many of the enemies, so to speak, whizzing by his ear. I see them opening fire.
I see when he’s weary of his mission or when a flank is exposed.
I know when he’s low on ammo against our mutual foes. I witness our constant need for supernatural protection and rescue.
No one else sees him like I do, or knows the atmosphere around him. Of all the eight billion people in the world, there’s one most equipped to pray for my man.
Rather than praying out of obligation, I long to be this kind of vigilant ally. To never leave him spiritually isolated. To pray “at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. (Ephesians 6:18).
That verse goes on to encourage us to pray for “all the saints”… But I especially want to make sure I’m doing it for the one I fly with first.
Want to make praying for (and with!) your spouse a habit? Take our Oneness Prayer Challenge.
The Good Stuff: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12)
Action Points: Develop a habit of continually praying for your spouse as the two of you converse, lifting them to God specifically and with compassion. You could also set a reminder on your phone to pray for your spouse—perhaps on your commute or while you eat lunch.
December 19
Ranch Dressing
By Brian Goins
“You know what would make these potatoes great? Ranch dressing. Do you have any?” I asked my hosts.
My friend confronted me the next day, “Brian, every time you say something could taste just a little bit better with ranch, it makes us feel like you don’t like our cooking.”
I didn’t realize my culinary suggestion dampened their hearts. What they heard was, “Your attempt to fry potatoes with lackluster seasoning fell way short … let me show you how to make this starch stand out with a little Hidden Slather from the Valley.”
Clearly, I needed some good, old-fashioned home training.
That conversation revealed two things about me.
First, drowning everything in ranch dressing highlighted a woefully limited palette.
Second, I tend to confuse flaws with personal preferences. Nine out of 10 people would have found those potatoes perfectly seasoned. I had just trained my taste buds to crave mayo sprinkled with fairy dust.
I do the same thing in marriage.
I’m only satisfied when my needs or preferences are met. Date night fell short because we didn’t see the movie I wanted to see. A weekend felt unfulfilling because none of my projects got done. A vacation was wasted because my quota for intimacy wasn’t met.
The Apostle Paul said, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).
Notice he doesn’t say “ignore your interests.” He encourages us to value someone else’s personal preferences more than your own. And in the process, not only will we discover a more satisfying relationship, but we may just expand our own limited palette.
Thinking back to that night, I’m amazed my friends kept asking me over for dinner. They should have just left me to my ramen noodles. You know what doesn’t go well with ramen?
Ranch dressing.
Listen to Dave Wilson explain how selfishness is the opposite of respect.
The Good Stuff: Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
Action Points: A great question to ask your spouse regularly is, “What would a win look like for you on this date, weekend, vacation, budget, holiday, etc…?”
December 20
Your Biggest Problems Are Not Actually Your Biggest Problem
By Dave Boehi
Think of the people you know who have experienced trials and suffering over the last year. Those who have lost someone they love. Or felt betrayed by a spouse. Or experienced significant sickness or injury. Think of the suffering or heartache you’ve faced.
While driving to work recently, I found myself absorbed in the old hymn, “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,” especially the line, “…and ransom captive Israel, who mourns in lonely exile here …”
When Jesus was born, God’s people literally lived in captivity—they were ruled by the Romans, hoping for a hero to rescue them from their practical, tangible suffering.
But their captivity was spiritual, too—they had gone 400 years without hearing God’s voice. They were not experiencing the blessings of His guidance and provision; He seemed absent.
And then when Jesus finally showed up, He was born in a barn, surrounded by livestock, as a helpless baby, completely dependent upon his impoverished parents.
Not exactly the Caped Crusader the Israelites had been hoping for.
Jesus went on to live His entire life under the rule of an ungodly and despotic foreign power. Even during His public ministry, He focused on setting the people of Israel free from spiritual exile rather than physical bondage.
Like Israel, we tend to think our biggest problems are in the physical realm. We want to be able to finally resolve that same fight with our spouse that keeps coming up; we want more help with the kids or the house or the finances; we want to see our kids have a better relationship with their stepparent or relief from a difficult ex-spouse.
Yet, our biggest problems are actually spiritual in nature. Even if we don’t realize it, we all “mourn in lonely exile” when we are not connected to God because being connected to Him is our ultimate purpose. Jesus didn’t come to take away our problems (be it an unjust government, or a troubled marriage). He came to take away the sin that broke our connection with God, so that connection could be restored.
Our unresolved problems are not evidence God is absent. On the contrary, Immanuel—“God with us”—came specifically so that when we go through the suffering that is inevitable in this life, we can have hope, because He is with us.
Have you ever considered that the core issues in your marriage are actually spiritual or that spiritual forces might be fighting against you? Listen to Tim Muehlhoff’s perspective on spiritual warfare in your marriage.
The Good Stuff: She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us). (Matthew 1:21-23)
Action Points: What problems in your life have the power to make you feel like you are in bondage? Do you have a tendency to only turn to God when you need to be rescued? Don’t let tunnel vision of your suffering keep you from experiencing God’s presence in it. Ask God to give you eyes to see His presence in practical and tangible ways, and then start looking for Him to show up.
December 21
I Like My Grudges with Cream and Sugar
People who hold grudges can sometimes seem cool—like, not takin’ nothin’ from nobody! These days, identifying our areas of personal offense feels as defining as choosing a drink at Starbucks: “I’d like a venti cup of pro-life, pro-environment, anti-spanking, extra hot.”
It’s classy to forgive, of course. But letting go of a grudge is hard when you’re still hacked off.
And forgiveness can get tricky for someone who struggles with being a pushover. Or if the offender never changes and keeps hurting you or others. Then there’s pressure from the trending attitude, “You don’t have to take that!” As though one who extends forgiveness takes on some kind of wimpy, limp dishrag persona.
I thought of this when someone expressed how hard it was to forgive her husband. Forgiveness was a choice she had to keep making over and over. Like the rest of us, he tended to screw up in the same old areas.
It didn’t seem like an issue of boundaries. She wasn’t failing to confront her husband or creating an environment without consequences. It just took a lot of intentionality to let go of her anger and for them to mutually rebuild trust.
Here’s what forgiveness isn’t: it’s not forgetting or excusing, releasing someone from worldly consequences of sin. (An embezzler, for example, should not be given a position as an accountant.)
Yet if we defer on forgiveness—are we really loving our spouse well? Are we really, like we ask in the Lord’s Prayer, forgiving them as we long to be forgiven?
No matter how egregious the offense, how justified the grudge, especially in light of how much we’ve been forgiven, can we ever in good conscience not forgive?
So you can keep my extra hot, totally steamed grudge. I request my empty cup of God’s anger for both of us, poured out on Jesus for our complete forgiveness.
If you’re in a blended family, you know all too well how unregulated emotions can breed resentment and hostility. Read more on how to keep those in check.
The Good Stuff: “Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’”(Matthew 18:32-33)
Action Points: Are there things you have trouble forgiving your spouse for? If so, pray for empathy to understand why they act the way they do. Ask for God’s supernatural power to forgive your spouse.
December 22
Sex in 3-D?
I love to study the science of story—particularly of love stories, as I am occasionally a total sap.
As an author, I love to watch a novelist or team of screenwriters at their craft—swelling the conflict, developing the personal metamorphoses and desires of the characters.
But sometimes you don’t care about the character development; sometimes in movies you just want the starry-eyed couple to finally get it on (fade to black).
Because in the movie world, sex = ultimate intimacy. Even lustful sex, in all its 20 minutes of glory. And if we’d listen to pop culture, we’d think there’s nothing like first-time or I-can-hardly-get-my-clothes-off-in-time sex, whether the couple’s married or not.
Yes, there’s something mind-blowing about any couple’s first time together. Everything is new. Finally, you’re able to full-on enjoy each other. There are a few steamy weeks or months where you’re exploring each other like a hidden garden all your own (kind of like Song of Solomon).
But one of the beauties of normal, healthy, married lovemaking is the growing, layered knowledge and understanding of each other, the communication and variety. The little adjustments as you learn one another. The mutual honing of technique and familiarity with each other. The crazy memories (“Remember that time…!”).
Yes, the passion you still fan for each other. But also the ways you’ve journeyed, perhaps through pregnancy, repentance, grief, playfulness, or returning from an absence. We travel far beyond mere passion or desire.
And in that, I see God’s own fidelity—the depth of His steady companionship, His attentiveness, His generosity, and our intimate communion.
What makes both faith and married sex great isn’t just novelty. In fact, I’d say it makes that lusty, non-committal encounter one-dimensional. Meticulously cultivated, rewarding sex is the opposite.
It’s the person I’ve known and loved and walked with all along.
There’s more to a healthy sex life in marriage than you may think. Read “Why Your Marriage Needs Sex.”
The Good Stuff: “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” (Song of Solomon 2:4)
Action Points: Think specifically about ways you’re grateful for sex with your spouse—and how it demonstrates God to you. If this is a frustrating area in your marriage, could you consider seeking counseling help, including other factors influencing your sex life together?
December 23
The Story of My Tree
By Lisa Lakey
Let me tell you about our Christmas tree.
For starters, it isn’t Pinterest-worthy. Most of the ornaments were handmade by the tiny fingers of our once-tiny kids, or they’re lovingly handcrafted pieces passed down from grandparents. Dollar-store trinkets fill in the gaps.
Some have faded. Others have been broken (and sort of pieced back together). But every year we trudge up the attic steps to pull them out once again.
But despite my best intentions to be content with our tree, I sometimes envy the elaborately (often professionally) decorated trees on social media. The ribbons weaving through the branches just so. The ornaments shining without the dull of a dozen little fingerprints. The couple in their coordinating sweaters smiling in the glow of the lights.
When I gaze too long at these spectacular trees, I begin to miss the unmistakable beauty of my own. I forget to reflect on the now-tarnished silver snowflakes near the top we were given as a wedding gift. Or all the ornaments we’ve picked up on every vacation starting with our honeymoon.
Our tree has stories.
And you know what? Our marriages can be a lot like our Christmas trees. Some are all for show—deceptively hiding any flaws in all their shimmering glory. Others look a little worse for the wear: A little Charlie Brown tree in a sea of Whoville delights.
My own marriage has had years of broken bulbs and fingerprint-smudged moments. Our emotions and romance felt more hodgepodge, and the lights of other people’s marriages made mine seem like there were a few lights out along the way.
But like my tree, my marriage has stories. Stories of new babies and missed loved ones. Tales of hardship and suffering that turned into renewed hope and perseverance.
So this year, as I unpack bulbs and baubles, I’ll be thanking God for each story of my family’s tree—starting with the man He gave me to decorate it with.
Not feeling the holiday spirit this season? Read more in “Waiting for God This Christmas.”
The Good Stuff: Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)
Action Points: During this season of glitz and garland, take a few minutes to pause and reflect together on past Christmases. What do you remember about your first Christmas together? What one holiday memory would you relive again and again?
December 24
Nothing Is impossible with God
By Dave Boehi
A wife wrote to say she is separated from her husband and would like to reconcile, “but I cannot go through him coming back and sucking all the life out of me again. I think it may just kill me. I feel empty, and I have no strength left.”
A heartbroken mother and father told us about the struggles their daughter is having in her marriage. “We long to see them live together in a home where Christ is obeyed, honored, served, and where they can have peace, joy, and the hope of a future together.”
During this Christmas season, I’ve been thinking of these marriages—and so many others represented in the messages FamilyLife receives every day. These are people who need a special dose of the hope that God offers through Christ.
One of my favorite parts of the nativity story is when Mary is told she will bear a son who “will be called the Son of the Most High.” She asks, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” and the angel replies, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God … For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:35-37 NASB).
I love that final phrase: “For nothing will be impossible with God.” It’s the type of truth we need to remember in our lives, our marriages, our families.
We need to remember that the God who made it possible for a virgin to conceive can heal any marriage and any family problem.
The God who sent angels to speak to people 2,000 years ago still speaks to us today through His Word.
The God who sent Jesus to “save his people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21) because we couldn’t do it on our own now gives us the power to walk with Him every hour of every day.
We all have something going on in our lives that should cause us to turn to God—some problem or situation we just can’t seem to solve ourselves.
Christmas gives us hope that God wants to be intimately involved in our lives,and that nothing is impossible for Him.
Do you feel like your marriage can never be saved? Here’s a true story of how God turned around a messed up marriage.
The Good Stuff: I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2).
Action Points: Is there some circumstance in your life you have exhausted all of your personal effort trying to fix? With your spouse, turn it over to the God for whom nothing is impossible. He may not fix it like you want it to look. But He wants to be intimately involved as you walk through it.
December 25
Misfits Welcome Here
By Lisa Lakey
One of my favorite Christmas shows as a kid was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The 1964 one narrated by Burl Ives. I watched it every year with my brothers, and I now watch it every year with my kids.
As an adult, my favorite part is the Island of Misfit Toys. It’s this “bring-your-own-weirdness” kind of place where your idiosyncrasies are celebrated instead of shamed. Broken? You can hang with us. We’re broken, too.
It’s (in a strange sort of way) a little like the church: a bunch of broken, sinful people hanging around together. But unlike the misfit toys, we’re made whole through Jesus’ death and resurrection. Misfits no longer, He deems us worthy and loved. And that beautiful picture is what God intends for others to see in our marriages.
Does your marriage say “misfits welcome here”? Can your spouse come to you with their fears, insecurities, and even with their endearing traits others label as weird? Do you lay down your own misfit self to your spouse, bringing all your unique qualities to the table—even the ones you wish you didn’t have?
Like the way I laugh like a lunatic at funny movies. Or my incomprehensible fear of water (don’t ask). Or the sins I still carry a bit of shame for when I’m at my weakest moments.
Marriage should be a safe place, a shelter when the rest of the world doesn’t seem to get us or doesn’t want to know us. Your marriage should say to your spouse, “Misfits welcome here.”
When life gets messy, it can be hard to remember that our spouse is a gift. Read more in “Your Spouse Is Not Your Enemy.”
The Good Stuff: And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. … so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth. (Philippians 2:8, 10)
Action Points: Is there a “misfit” part of who you are that you keep from your spouse? Try bringing it to them without fear of judgment. Then bring it to God. Jesus has already declared you welcome.
December 26
The Worst-Case Scenario
I could see the writing on the wall. The way everything was going, I was likely to be unemployed by Monday. The thought gripped me with fear. What would we do? How long could we survive?
To shield my family from financial disaster, I liquidated some assets to bulk up our savings account. Nothing I did was particularly reckless, but in my haste, I made one crucial blunder: I didn’t discuss any of it with my wife.
The fear of losing my job was soon eclipsed by the fear of how my wife would react when she found out what I did. We were supposed to be a team, but I acted like mine was the only opinion that mattered. I hoped she would see my moves as financial brilliance, but deep inside, I knew I was in trouble.
When I told her, she was shocked. She kept repeating, “I can’t believe you did that.” All I could say in my defense was, “I’m sorry. I got scared.”
Then she asked me a question that has haunted me since, “What more does God have to do before you learn to trust Him?”
Ouch.
She was right. God has always taken care of us. Yet when faced with a struggle, my first response is rarely to trust Him. Instead, I let my fears take over and start planning for the “worst-case scenario,” as if my solutions could somehow be better than God’s.
The truth is, He doesn’t need to do anything else. He’s already done it all. If I lost my job, my house, my health—even if I died tomorrow—my future is secured. I don’t need to fear. I don’t need to spend my time worrying about a future that may, or may not, happen. What I need to do is trust Him.
That Sunday, I was glued to my phone looking for news that would confirm my fears, but God had other plans. By Monday morning, the crisis was over. But hopefully, the lesson will stick with me a little longer.
Listen to what Proverbs 12 has to say about trusting God and worry.
The Good Stuff: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Action Points:What are you most worried about? What would it take for you to “fear not” and trust that whatever happens, God’s got you?
December 27
Post-Christmas Wreckage
By Lisa Lakey
Yesterday morning, my house was a wreck—paper, ribbons, boxes, even a stray candy cane found stuck to the floor under the coffee table. It was a stark contrast to the day before when shiny presents skirted around a still-lit tree, our kids anxiously anticipating unwrapping gifts.
But yesterday? Post-Christmas wreckage. We can feel that way inside, too.
Several years ago, my husband and I were barely holding on during a tough holiday season. It seemed we had been hit on every front: a job loss, double sickness, devastating news from a loved one, and a marriage struggling to keep its head above the flood.
My heart mirrored the scraps of holiday festivities—shredded, hollow, and somewhat sticky.
If you and your spouse are dangling by a leftover Christmas ribbon today, you aren’t alone. The holidays can be hard on a marriage. And instead of a hope-filled new year, you might be thinking of calling it quits.
I don’t know the specifics of your season, but I was reminded as I sat in my own wreckage that Christmas wasn’t about shiny ribbons, presents, and baubles on a tree. It was literally about God entering our broken (and somewhat sticky) mess—a mess we couldn’t clean up on our own.
As I sat in the tatters of another Christmas, I held on to the promise that He was with me. And He reminded me of all the good that the hard was trying to overshadow; specifically, my own little boy who snuggled warm in my arms was the most poignant reminder. In that moment, it was enough to hold on another day.
So as you approach what might feel like a hopeless new year, hold on to that reminder. You don’t have to have this all figured out today. And things can get better. You just need to invite Him into the wreckage.
When you feel like giving up on your marriage, here are four things to remember.
The Good Stuff: For nothing will be impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)
Action Points: If you feel like you’re sitting in the wreckage today, invite Christ into your mess. He is Immanuel, God with us. Open your Bible (Psalm 71 is a good choice for when “your strength is spent”) and just be in His presence while you read.
December 28
You’re Watching That?
I walked into the room and was immediately annoyed by what I saw on the TV.
“You’re watching that?” I asked with a heavy sigh.
“Don’t worry,” my wife said. “I’m fast-forwarding all the bad parts.”
I walked back out of the room and wondered if this was a losing battle. It’s not that we have significant disagreements over the kind of shows we should be watching, but because society seems to be traveling at warp speed in the opposite direction, the lines can get blurred on what we shouldn’t watch.
Christians are called to be salt to the world (Matthew 5:13). Salt always has an impact on its environment. Salt on meat prevents decay, salt on ice creates a thaw, and salt on food enhances its flavor. But too often, instead of us changing the world, the world changes us one small compromise at a time.
While we can’t live our lives in total seclusion, the shows we watch affect us. Even if we fast forward through the sexual immorality, violence, and foul language, the damage is done. Not only do we become desensitized to it, but as long as we keep watching, content producers will keep pushing the limits.
But what do we do if a husband and wife can’t agree on what shows should be allowed in the house? Nag? Tape condemning scriptures to the TV? Leave articles on the kitchen table touting our point of view?
As tempting as those techniques might be, sometimes the best thing to do is to calmly state your case, then remove yourself from the equation and let the Holy Spirit do His work. It takes patience. God usually doesn’t work on our timetable, but He’s much better at changing people’s minds than we are.
A few weeks later, I heard frustration mounting from the other room. I walked in to find my wife arguing with the TV.
“Why do they have to? Come on! Really? Ugh! That’s it. I can’t watch this show anymore.”
I don’t know what the “final straw” was, but I didn’t need to. I knew the Holy Spirit was at work.
Listen to hear more about how media influences not just the culture, but individuals as well.
The Good Stuff: Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
Action Steps: Are you and your spouse on the same page when it comes to “entertainment” standards in your home? How do you typically address differences?
What would it look like for you to let the Holy Spirit do the work of convicting your spouse?
What small decisions can you make to ensure that your mind is being conformed to the image of Christ and not the image of the world?
December 29
A Well-Intentioned Team of Two
When my wife and I discovered we were going to be first time parents of twins, we buckled down as an exclusive team to be the best parents ever and braced ourselves to defeat every challenge.
We never imagined my wife being diagnosed with preeclampsia, hospitalized for a month, delivering our girls at 30 weeks, and navigating a 3-month NICU journey as our intro to parenthood.
During such a fragile time in our lives, we were incredibly vulnerable to falling apart mentally. The heavy stress and emotional pressures of such a time couldn’t be held by our well-intentioned team of two. It was impossible.
But when we finally welcomed community into our lives and struggles, I watched God make the impossible possible.
Co-worker friends came together and helped with work tasks, neighbors took care of our home in ways they could, and our church community lifted all four of us up in relentless prayer, helped make meals and even took care of our two energetic dogs.
Today, our family is healthy—the girls are getting ready to celebrate their first birthday, and though we recently moved, we’re looking forward to connecting with and serving others more.
Let’s pray with our spouse as we embrace others into our lives and reach forward for friendship and connection. God has gifted us community and engagement with one another, rather than isolation. Together, we enhance each other’s lives and achieve a work of art on display for the world to experience Jesus. When our friends and family rallied around us to bear the weight of things we couldn’t, it was as if Jesus Himself held us up.
Whether it’s work or school, near or far, home or church, relationships can be tough and sometimes awkward, especially because we all make mistakes and have imperfections. But when united with others in Christ, we experience the wonder of God, making impossible circumstances possible.
Do you pray regularly with your spouse? Find ways to pray, activities to build time together, and more right here.
The Good Stuff: But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it,
that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. (1 Corinthians 12:24-25)
Action Points: Take some time to pray for the community surrounding your marriage. Ask God to strengthen the close relationships you have, or even heal the broken ones. If you don’t feel you have a community, pray for God to build one that you and your spouse can actively be a part of.
December 30
A Marriage Maintenance Schedule
If my wife and I go a day without talking over a cup of coffee or a walk around the neighborhood, we feel it. Our patience wears thin, our tones get harsh, and bickering over small things increases.
We’re not alone.
The drift from order to chaos is the natural way of the universe. Over time, the chaos in your relationship will increase. You will grow apart from your spouse. The family harmony you once had will be lost, unless you actively and intentionally fight against it.
You may be able to ignore the maintenance schedule on your car for years without a problem. But imagine a rocket attempting a liftoff without the proper maintenance. The failure would be spectacular. The more complicated something is, the more maintenance it requires. And marriages are complicated!
What we need is a regular marriage maintenance schedule—a steady rhythm of intentional quality time designed to push against the drift toward chaos and disconnection.
So how can we inject intentional quality time into our marriage?
- Start small.
If you and your spouse feel thousands of miles apart, start with a 1% change. It might not seem like a big deal. After a foot, 1% translates into less than one quarter inch. But try to reach the moon and a 1% difference will translate into over 4,000 miles.
- Establish new daily rhythms.
It might be something as simple as greeting your spouse with a hug at the end of the day or sharing a cup of chamomile tea after the kids are in bed.
- Quality vs. quantity.
We often rely on quality time over quantity of time, but our marriages need both. An established foundation of reliable connections takes the pressure off things like date nights, romantic getaways, and even sex.
- Fight for it.
Before we had kids, we had plenty of time together and romantic getaways were easy to take. Once our life season changed, money and time got tight. We had to fight for every moment together.
The moment you resolve to do it, an unforeseen obstacle will inevitably appear. But intentional quality time together matters, so fight for it.
Want to know more? Read “Why Intentional, Quality Time Matters.”
The Good Stuff: Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. (Proverbs 3:3)
Action Points: What 1% change could you make toward your spouse today? Start today, and commit to making it a daily habit.
December 31
New Year’s Anti-Resolutions
By Lisa Lakey
For years, I made New Year’s resolutions. And for years, I failed to follow through on any of them past January 31.
One year, my resolutions were to drop 20 pounds, read through the entire Bible with a daily reading plan, and to complete a couples devotional with my husband. All good things, right? Now let me tell you about reality.
Hours after stating those lofty goals, our youngest wandered out of his room with a stuffed puppy and an earache. The rest of the night was spent consuming leftover Christmas candy as he slept upright on my chest. (Side note: I gained five pounds that year.) By the end of the month, I had replaced the Christmas candy with Valentine’s Day sweets, we made it to the second page of the devotional, and I was two weeks behind on my reading plan.
The following year, the shame of failing didn’t make it any easier to follow through with the next round of resolutions.
It’s not that I don’t want to better myself—I do. But instead of giving myself a list of goals to be a better me, be a better wife, have a better marriage this year, I’m focusing on what we did right, instead of a list of things we need to be better at. I’m calling these “anti-resolutions.”
Here’s my list:
- Most of our meals this year were spent together at the dinner table.
- We tag-teamed like champs when one kid had a string of injuries that threw our calendar into chaos.
- We made a solid attempt at family devotions.
- We snuck away for lunch more during the week.
- We had some hard conversations about our relationship and managed to act like mature adults.
- We practiced forgiveness and grace when we didn’t want to.
The Good Stuff: Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice! Seek the LORD and his strength … Remember the wondrous works that he has done. (1 Chronicles 16:10-12)
Action Points: Tonight, instead of making a list of to-dos, list the ways you’ve seen God moving in your marriage this last year, memories that were made, and even ways you overcame hard situations together.