149 A Special Edition: Growing Up Blended After Parental Loss: Laura Husband
Laura Husband, daughter of Columbia astronaut Rick Husband, was 12 years old when she endured her dad’s very public death. Laura shares with Ron Deal the layers of grief that followed with the lingering effects and expectations after an astronaut dies. When her mom began dating three years later, she felt abandoned and without a voice to the changes in her life. Her mom later remarried and Laura began an adjustment to blended family life with her new stepdad, Bill. Laura shares the loving relationship she and Bill eventually formed and how Bill chose a path, separate from her dad, that drew her in.
Show Notes
About the Guest
Laura Husband
Laura Husband is a multi-talented performer who loves acting, singing, and dancing. With lots of experience in both film and theater, she brings depth and authenticity to her roles. Trained in ballroom dance and inspired by old Hollywood, she mixes classic and modern styles in her performances. Laura’s dedication to her craft, combined with her strong family values and faith, has shaped her journey in the entertainment industry, making her a dynamic and inspiring artist. She is currently working on projects related to film, stage, improv, and dance as well as curating events that gather communities to discuss important local and global issues in culture. She enjoys telling stories that inspire hope, joy, thought, and reflection. Additionally, with her unique connection to space exploration, she seeks to find ways to bridge the gap between art and space related projects.
About the Host
Ron Deal
Ron L. Deal is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He is Director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife®, founder of Smart Stepfamilies™, and the author and Consulting Editor of the Smart Stepfamily Series of books including the bestselling Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages® and Becoming Stepfamily Smart (with Dr. Gary Chapman), The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family, and Preparing to Blend. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist, popular conference speaker, and host of the FamilyLife Blended podcast. He and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. Learn more at FamilyLife.com/blended.
Episode Transcript
Season 6, Episode 149: A Special Edition: Growing Up Blended After Parental Loss
Guest: Laura Husband
Air Date: October 21, 2024
Ron: After a few years, Bill came into your mom’s life and therefore came into your life. How did that go?
Laura: It was difficult. It was very hard. I was very closed off. I didn’t want to let Bill in. I had already lost my dad who I was so close to and felt vulnerable with and safe with and I didn’t want to have to reopen that and do that all over again with a new person.
Ron: Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. We just completed our annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. This time it was in Dallas, Texas, but if you couldn’t make it, we’ve got an All-Access Digital Pass available online just for you. If you want, you can get as much access to much of the content that we’ve curated over the past decade through the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. That pass is available as well. Check the show notes for more information.
I just want to announce for the first time that in January of 2025, my wife and I, Nan are releasing our first book together. It’s titled The Mindful Marriage. We’ve partnered with good friends and therapists, Dr. Terry and Sharon Hargrave to write a book for all couples. This is not just for blended family couples this time, but you guys are going to love it. I know you are.
And here’s the thing. This book, man, we’ve all read a lot of marriage books, but I just have to say this is based on some work that comes from our friends, Dr. Terry and Sharon Hargrave, and this book is unlike anything you’ve ever read about marriage. It really cuts through all the fluff. It challenges some of the common assumptions about relationships that we have even within the church, not just in culture but within the Christian community. And it gets to the heart of what is at the heart of you.
We are really excited to share this material with you. It releases in January 2025 and the title is The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself. No, I did not say managing your spouse so there you go. You can pre-order it wherever books are sold.
We have a very special edition of our Growing Up in a Blender series. You might recognize that title from time to time. I talk with now grown adults who are looking back on their childhood growing up in a stepfamily. The benefit for you, the listener or the viewer, is that you can gain some perspective on the children in your world and perhaps on your role as a parent, a stepparent or a caregiver to them. So we’re going to be talking with Laura Husband in just a minute about her life growing up, but I need to give you a little context first to the story that we’re going to be discussing.
If you’ve listened to this podcast for a while, you may recognize the names Evelyn Husband Thompson and Bill. They told their story in episode number 85. The title was A Terrible Loss and an Unexpected Love. In 2022 Nan and I interviewed them during our annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. That one was in Phoenix, so you may have heard part of this story before.
Evelyn’s first husband—his name’s Rick—he was the commander of the space shuttle Columbia. You may remember that after 16 days in space, Columbia tragically broke apart during reentry. That happened on February 1st, 2003. All seven astronauts were killed, including Rick. Evelyn was widowed on that day, left to care for her two children, Laura and Matthew, and many years later she married Bill. We’ve told their story as a couple, but today on FamilyLife Blended, we’re talking with Rick and Evelyn’s daughter Laura about her journey into a blended family. Laura, thank you so much for being with me today.
Laura: Thank you for having me on. I’m excited to share. This is something I haven’t shared about publicly before, so I’m excited to have this conversation.
Ron: Well, I just have to say right off the start, you don’t know this, but I really have an affection for you and your brother through your mom and through Bill. I have known them now for many, many years and I’ve spent hours with them talking about life and my loss that my wife and I have had in losing our child. We’ve had so much in common that your mom has become very dear to me. I have great affection for Bill as well. Through that relationship, I feel like I sort of know you a little bit, but I also know I don’t know you and this is our first opportunity to really talk and so I’ve really been looking forward to our conversation and I appreciate you being here.
Not long ago, I want to tell our audience, that CNN had a four-part series on the Columbia disaster. And by the way, for those of you listening, that is now available on Amazon Prime, if you missed it. And because of my friendship with your mom and with Bill, I have to tell you, I started crying within 30 seconds. They showed a video of Columbia coming apart the opening scene of that series, and all I could think about was you and your brother. I am so sorry for your great loss. You and your mom were interviewed a lot for the series. You were on camera quite a bit. You talked courageously about that very tragic time in your life now, 21 years ago or so.
Did you watch the final version? I was wondering that as I was watching it. I know you were interviewed, but I also know sometimes people don’t really want to watch it when it’s all said and done. Did you watch it?
Laura: My mom and I had a meeting with the production team that created it, and we previewed it before it premiered, so I was able to watch it. It’s possible even a few things may have been different after it aired. I’m not sure. I haven’t watched it live, but I did watch all four episodes that they had. I know there was a release on BBC that was slightly different and then one on CNN and luckily was able to do that in the privacy of my own home and just be able to process it privately. As much of this, as you just mentioned, has been so public, so it wasn’t easy to watch.
And yeah, that visual of it breaking apart honestly kept the TVs off for months after the accident happened because they would show that image so often. So it’s still not an easy image to see among other things that they showed, even the recovery in East Texas and things very hard for sure.
Ron: I really can’t imagine because I mean for most of the world they’re watching a tragedy, but it’s not personal for everybody else. For you, this is your father. This is deeply, deeply personal.
Laura: Right.
Ron: And so it has to bring up in you, every time any of those images cross in front of you, they have to bring up all kinds of emotions.
Laura: And it’s not the images really that I want to fixate on. So that’s what the world chose to show because they’re grieving with us, but that’s not the images I want to be holding in my mind all the time. So it’s definitely not a place I try to stay mentally on those images, even though that’s kind of the signature thing across many newspapers, many news broadcasts, things like that. It’s not the memories of my dad. That’s the accident that happened. I really try not to fixate on that, but it’s hard when I have to see it.
Ron: Every blended family starts with a loss of some kind. Because of that, around here on this podcast, we talk a lot about before and after and immediately people know exactly what we’re talking about. Everybody listening has a before and an after. You had a before, dad died, and you had an after.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: I’m curious, just in general, give us the contrast of life before and life after.
Laura: I was blessed with a really strong family unit growing up. One of two kids, younger brother Matthew and me, and so grew up in a military family traveling with my dad in England. I was born in California, moved to England, then to Houston.
During that whole time, I watched my parents in love. I watched us do things together as a family. My dad would lead family devotionals. He loved me. He would tell me I was beautiful, take me on daddy daughter dates. My mom was fully invested. I had probably the best versions of them because I’ve heard both their testimonies of how they got to that point of prioritizing God, family and then job. I benefited from that and didn’t necessarily understand what priorities look like when you’re a kid, but I benefited from them putting those priorities in place.
Leading up to that, I really hadn’t had any major complications in my life or issues. It was something always my parents could meet my needs, and I was fortunate enough to never worry about certain things that some people have to in that way. Then when I hit 12 and my brother was 7, that’s when I lost my dad. That was ultimately the first time it felt like my parent couldn’t meet my need in that moment.
Ron: So much changes at that point. Your family’s in grief. Your family’s dealing with the tragedy. I know the first year was kind of putting that grief on hold, I mean, because running around. Your mom shared how she went to every funeral of every one of the astronauts and had appearances and all kinds of stuff and cameras in your face.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: Boy, the lack of privacy there to even grieve. I don’t even know what that’s like.
Laura: It was a whirlwind year and also very much, I think we were in shock that entire first year. So I don’t think shock wore off quickly. I think it lasted quite a while because it was so unexpected and even an abnormal way to lose someone. We didn’t know where my dad was for a couple of weeks until they found him and identified and then we could have the funeral.
So there were many layers that made it not normal to losing someone in a car accident or even medically. There were weird delays to our grief and unknowns and investigations and things to figure out. And then of course, interviews and press. And we went and did the Today Show in New York that year with Katie Couric and my mom went on Good Morning America. And yeah, we went to more memorials than equivalent to the seven because we would do multiple memorial services in different locations. So it was a whole year of doing versions of memorial services in different places.
Ron: Eventually, the dust settles, I think, and it’s just kind of you. It’s you, your mom, your brother, and now you’re in a single mother home. The routines are different. The overall, I know what it was like in my home the first couple of years after my son died. We walked around like zombies most of the time and there were far less smiles. There were far less excitement about life and you’re just feeling that huge weight of grief burdening you down and it’s so hard to just do life. Was it sort of like that for you guys?
Laura: Yes, in certain ways. There was so much public attention, so that did slow down and fade some, and in some ways that was good for us to be able to have more privacy.
Ron: Yeah, I bet.
Laura: But also having had a loss that way, I think I also felt a little unrelatable to other kids my age or other people in general who just couldn’t imagine that happening that way. And they would say things like that to us too. And I know now even having lost more people, people will say that to people in grief. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. So you kind of feel like you’re on an island a little bit in a certain way.
And yeah, I watched my mom try to hold things together, which she did really well and was an amazing strong role model for me and my brother. It wasn’t until I was older that I thought about how hard it was for her and her way of losing a spouse because I didn’t even have the grief capacity to think about how other people were coping. I wasn’t even fully wrapped around coping with my own grief yet.
So it was definitely an interesting time. It made my mom and I very close because my dad wasn’t there. So there was a certain closeness that developed between us because our home, our unit looked different too, and my mom didn’t hide her grief. She definitely didn’t dump it on us at all, but we all knew we were hurting, and so that was visible in whatever way we grieved, and we all grieved differently. My mom and I more similar than my brother, but we all grieved in our own ways.
Ron: What did that look like for you? If we’d been a family friend or a neighbor and knew the family before and now after, what kinds of things would we have seen in you that would’ve been evidence of your sadness and how you were carrying your grief?
Laura: I’d be interested to hear what some people would say who knew me then, but I think I held it together pretty well, actually; not necessarily saying I did. I think I was good at appearing that way. I would often get told by adults, “You’re so strong” and “Be strong for your mom,” which my mom never asked me to do. She would say, “That’s not what we need at all.” But still having people say that to you, I think internally I started thinking, “I have to hold it together. I have to do well in school. I have to not rock the boat even more because other people are hurting. So I will just do what I can to make good grades, do what I can to be strong.”
And through that experience, many—well, it’s happened still that I have adults older than me come up to me and while they’re trying to be encouraging, it’s almost as if they need the comfort themselves for my own grief. It’s a weird kind of paradox when people go through grief where people come up to you and sometimes, they’re the ones who need the hug more than you. They want to give you a hug, but it’s more for them than for you. So I felt like I kind of built this fortified wall of I’m fine publicly or I’m fine with people around me. And God knew what was going on in my heart, but—
Ron: What was the truth? What was going on?
Laura: In some ways, I was okay, thankfully, because of my relationship with God. I knew day one. At 12, I told my aunt, I remember saying, “I know God’s going to take care of us. I don’t know how, but I know He will.” So that was very much present internally in me, my relationship with God, which only grew and strengthened over time, which is cool to see the ways that God just gave me boldness to not worry about tomorrow, just like every day is a gift, not worrying about small things that don’t matter. Because of loss it makes you really cherish the bigger things and not worry as much about the small things.
But in another way, I think for many years I didn’t realize that I was just trying to be strong for other people or not go too far into my grief because it might inconvenience other people, which sounds weird, or I just didn’t want to open that jar too much because maybe I couldn’t close it. And so later in counseling, many years later, I think a lot of that work happened, which I’m thankful for but it wasn’t until later. Maybe that’s God’s protection that He held some of that off till later when I had more tools and more emotional maturity to be able to unpack that.
Ron: I do think God gives us little graces like that where we finally get to a space in life where we can actually open up that jar and see what all is in there and really wrestle with it.
I think a takeaway for our listeners right now is just because a kid looks like they’re okay, doesn’t mean they’re okay, and it doesn’t mean that there’s not a whole lot of stuff going on under the surface. Maybe a part of them is okay, like it was for you; that part of you that was connected to God and you felt reassured by God in that space. But there were other parts of you that were scared and didn’t know what to do and just sad and missed your dad. And so don’t expect your kids to be okay so you will feel better about how things are going for them. That’s a hard thing. And kids, they will show you that they’re strong because they think you need to see that.
Laura: Yeah, that is so important to know that God’s created in kids a resiliency honestly. I now look at 12-year-olds and it sort of breaks my heart because I thought I was so much older than in my mind I felt in that moment. I knew I felt more grown up than how a 12-year-old looks now that I look at 12-year-olds. It’s kind of an emotional trigger point for me because I feel so much for my 12-year-old self. I didn’t know how little I was until now, honestly.
It’s true kids who especially want to maybe have a good relationship with their parents, they want to not cause problems, or they want to get on board, but maybe they don’t know what’s going on internally or maybe they need to feel like they’re trying to resolve stuff inside. They may not always come out with that because they’re trying to be a part and try to support because they love their parents, but there’s things in children that don’t always come up, even if they appear super strong and resilient in that moment. And that is part of God’s protection too. I agree very much.
Ron: How do you carry your dad with you? In particular I’m wondering how from 12 on through your teenage years, how did you carry him? And what I mean by that is I wear a little band on my arm that represents my son. I have pictures all over the place. I can get to him singing on my phone in a heartbeat if I want to. We have little family inside jokes that my wife and my two other boys share that nobody else is a part of that and that’s how I connect to him and carry him. How did you carry your dad with you?
Laura: I think it’s been in a variety of ways. We definitely had those inside jokes that I’ll still bring up with my mom and reflect on, and even just reflecting on memories together. I think because God made me a creative person—I’m an artist, performer. I have a big imagination that’s never gone away—I’ll even mentally reflect on those memories and visualize them in those really great moments that we had together, which I’m thankful that I did have to reflect on.
So I think sometimes that’s how I think back is reminding myself of those moments with him, his personality, his jokes. And even recently I shared a little piece of his devotional tapes that he had made for me on launch day that was a gift to me that I would watch the 16 days he was in space. He did a devotional every day that I would watch, and I hadn’t watched those many years. And then when the CNN Docuseries interview was going to happen, I watched them the night before actually, just because they were possibly going to use some of that material, and I wanted to be able to decide which parts of that.
They didn’t end up using it. It ended up I was like “This might be really hard.” It ended up being my dad ministering to me 20 years later and the lessons still applied of: “If you feel you’re on the outs with other people, trust God,” “You don’t compare yourself to other people,” things like that. It was still ministering to me now 20 years later because the Bible’s still active and true no matter what day you’re reading it. That was a gift that he gave that he really didn’t realize the impact.
So things like that I’ve been reflecting on. And then he also loved to sing and was creative, and that’s my industry is in the performing arts, film and stage. I grew up doing skits with him at church and singing and different things and so I know that creative part of him is in me as well, as I do my work. I also take that kind of giant dream big mentality into what I do as well. I’m like, “If my dad left the planet, surely, I can set big goals too.” So I think I take that with me too.
Ron: So you even dream the way he dreamed.
Laura: I hope, yeah; that’s what I try. I do because I watched my dad; he had that dream since four years old, and it was always an excitement and a passion for him. It wasn’t this check the boxes and get it done, and there was true heart in it. And so I think that’s how I want to approach what I’m doing too, is with a lot of heart.
Ron: I’d like our listeners to know a little bit about just your journey after the loss and even now into adulthood so let me back up. Whenever I meet somebody new and they ask me, “So Ron, where do you live?” “Little Rock” “How many kids do you have?” Well, at this point I know the conversation is going to go one of two ways. I’m going to say “Three,” and then they’re going to say, “Tell me about your kids.” I’m going to tell them about my two living children, and then I’m going to bring up and mention the one that is deceased.
At that point I will know whether or not they have the courage to deal with my sorrow and sadness or whether they will turn around and walk away. I mean, it sort of comes down to that. Life I can only imagine it will not let you not be Commander Rick Husband’s daughter. Somewhere along the path, whether it’s finishing high school, going to college, meeting new friends, just all the introductions of life and people want to get to know you, this is part of your story. What’s it like for you to face those moments socially? What decisions do you find yourself making internally about how you’re going to handle that? And what’s the lingering effect on relationships for you?
Laura: It’s a really great question. And it’s so interesting, it’s changed over the years as I’ve grown and learned more about myself even or what phase of life, or stage, I’m in. And I think it also depends on the day, even still. But for a long time I was in the public eye doing these services. It was very visible who my dad was. There’s even in our community, I mean in certain restaurants you’ll see pictures of the crew in different places.
But, at some point for a while I stopped leading with that or I was strategic not even to mention that if I was meeting new people; mainly because I’d encountered some people who had expressed some form of interest in me only because of my dad was an astronaut. And so there was a part of me that was like, “Who’s really my friend?” “Who really wants to know me for me?” “Who wants to know me just to know more about that part of my life?”
And for a while I got quieter and wouldn’t share that. And again, big fan of counseling through processing and just God working in my heart, understanding “I didn’t ask for this story. It is part of what God has given me. I don’t have to be ashamed of it.” It’s not about my dad, but just “I don’t have to be afraid,” I guess is maybe the better word. That I think I was fearing, “How do I know who the good people are?” And that could come too from not having my dad around. “How can I filter these people to know who’s safe and who’s not?” And learning more of God’s role of being my father and allowing in those who are trustworthy and removing those who aren’t; and allowing me to know kind of how to be vulnerable when it’s safe; and how to just lean into Him in those moments. Because yeah, sometimes people with self-interest will try to get close, but God has been great at being the discerner of that for me.
And then more recently, even through the CNN docuseries, they shared a pretty regretful tone of what happened, whereas I reflect back and it’s a much more hopeful tone for me in my own personal life of what God has done through that. So I think it emboldened me to want to share and have my voice heard more from my perspective. Hopefully to also highlight what God has done and that you don’t have to be stuck in this dark place either, through really hard things. So it’s been a process in how I introduce myself and how I’ve talked to people about my story.
Ron: Well bless you in that, and I’m glad the Lord has helped you discern some of those relationships. I also know it doesn’t end. You don’t outgrow this.
Laura: It doesn’t.
Ron: It’s the road we walk, yeah.
Laura: And like you said too about the ability of knowing if someone is worth talking to about your loss, as you mentioned with your kids, it’s kind of a person-by-person moment assessment of: when you share a little bit of your story, do they have the ability to be there with you in that? Or are they just wanting the highlights, and they don’t want to go too deep? It can be an interesting thing to navigate.
Ron: I don’t know if our listeners realize it or not, but we’ve actually turned the corner and started talking about stepparenting already. Let me connect that for you if you’re not with me. After a few years, Bill came into your mom’s life and therefore came into your life.
One of the things we like to tell stepparents around here is when you hear the child’s grief, don’t run away from it because that is a huge part of who they are. It represents a connection that they have to a biological parent, to, in the case of a divorce, what happened prior to mom and dad divorcing. This is a part of that stepchild that you really need to know and listen to and hear out and not turn and run away. Because if you want a relationship with them, you got to go through the grief to get to them.
How did that go for you? I don’t just mean did Bill listen to your sadness, but I just mean all of it. When he came into the world, your world, were you open? What was it like? Was it weird? Was it good and bad all at the same time? How’d that work for you?
Laura: It was difficult. It was very hard. I was very closed off. My story’s different now from then, but at the beginning, I didn’t want to let Bill in. I had already lost my dad who I was so close to and felt vulnerable with and safe with, and I didn’t want to have to reopen that and do that all over again with a new person. And yeah, it was an interesting time. I was, I think maybe 15 when they started to date. I knew that Bill had been widowed and I think in some ways, in the back of my mind, that made me feel a little better about things because there was some similarities. And at least in this scenario, it wasn’t like there were other spouses that were—
Ron: —still in the picture.
Laura: —existing in the world. Yes, I think that would’ve been a whole nother scenario. But at the same time, I was dealing with a variety of things. I felt abandonment from my own dad, even though he didn’t choose to leave. So I had my own abandonment issues from my dad, and then here comes another male figure who wants and is potentially going to be in our family.
And as I mentioned before, my mom and I had developed a very close relationship post losing my dad. So that was kind of infiltrating that too for me. It felt like it was coming in the middle of that because it would shift the family unit again. It would shift who my mom would share with more. I’d gotten used to us sharing things on a deeper level that isn’t probably normal if we had remained the way before my dad—
Ron: —if your dad had remained alive.
Laura: Right, but because of what had happened, that was more the nature where our relationship went is we were honest and pretty close. And so as Bill was entering the picture, that dynamic was changing for me. I think I was nervous to have that shift again; almost like losing my mom a little bit because now she’s sharing time and attention with someone else.
And then also I had a very strong protective feeling for my mom; that same kind of keep it together, hold it together, be strong. I also felt protective for my mom. I didn’t want anyone to hurt her. I didn’t want to trust anyone prematurely, and then it go sour, go wrong. I almost felt like a guard dog, honestly; something like that, like a cautiousness, because I just didn’t want my mom to be hurt, and I didn’t want to let anyone in. So there were many layers to it, even if it looked like it was going well for them. And that’s what my mom was telling me. I wasn’t warming up to the idea quickly whatsoever.
Ron: What did it look like on the outside? If we would’ve been standing around watching, what would we have seen in Laura at 15/16 when Bill’s first coming into the picture?
Laura: I think probably to the larger community we had, I probably wouldn’t say much. I always had a sense of you protect your family’s privacy, and so I didn’t feel like I could necessarily go share with a ton of people. Granted, my mom, luckily, I had counselors and things available to me and I’d share with close girlfriends my age, but to the larger community, I was not sharing it; that I was having a hard time. But for me at that moment, I felt like I’d lost my dad, and that felt completely out of control. And now my mom is possibly going to marry this man, and that feels out of control too. And it was like I didn’t get a vote when my dad died, and I don’t feel like I’m getting a vote when my mom’s remarrying.
Ron: That powerlessness, that is not fun, is it?
Laura: No, it’s not. It just kind of felt like a recurring theme that had popped up again, of not getting a voice or a choice in a moment that was going to change my life and affect my life too.
Ron: So you were closed off to Bill in the beginning. They get married now you guys are all living in the same house. Bill’s got a couple of kids. They’re older, out of the house, I think at that point in time.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: Yes, okay, and life begins. How did that go for you and for Matthew? —if you want to speak a little for him.
Laura: I’d be interested to hear what Matthew would say because it was different for him. I think they seemed to get along quicker. I just had so many walls up. And so I remember Bill gently trying. He would say, “I’m not trying to be your dad,” which of course I appreciate on if we write it on paper, but I hated that phrase. I hated hearing it. I hated my mom telling me it because it almost felt like a line of—I’d seen it in a movie as a kid. “They’re not trying to be your dad.” And so it just kind of would add salt in the wound in those moments of like, “Well, I certainly hope not. I know. I already know that.”
Ron: “You better not.”
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: But I think you’re saying it felt a little disingenuous.
Laura: No, I did believe they were genuine, but I felt like they didn’t know how to reach me. And saying that to me was not the helpful thing necessarily. And I knew Bill cared, but yeah, it was layers of grief. And then honestly, when the marriage happened too, I remember having the feeling of, this permanently means my dad is gone. I already knew he was gone, but it was another layer of my grief, like, “My dad is not coming back. My mom is literally marrying someone else. So he’s truly gone because my mom’s getting married again.”
Ron: Almost like her wedding was another funeral for you.
Laura: I wouldn’t have thought that at the time, but yes. Yeah, and I’m thankful that wasn’t going through my head that day, and honestly, the day itself was okay for me. But yeah, there were elements of that that felt like another funeral for sure. And it was highlighting a reality that I didn’t want for him to be gone. And then this weird thing to see your parent get married because that’s supposed to happen before you’re born, so you’re in this new place.
Ron: It’s another thing that’s out of line all going back to that central tragedy. And again, it’s the road we walk. Nothing’s ever as it should have been, would’ve been, could have been. And day after day after day, every one of those new realities kind of hit you in the face again and says, “Yeah, your dad’s not here.”
So every parent, stepparent listening right now wants to know, “Well, did you ever warm up to Bill?” And they want to know “What did it take and what hope is there for us?” They’re kind of wondering, so how did that story go for you?
Laura: As you probably can tell, it was pretty rough. And I don’t blame Bill for it. And at the time even I would try to say in a way to people who didn’t know me as well, I’m like, “Yeah, Bill’s a great guy. This is just really hard for me because I’m missing my dad.” And then I think it’s important to allow kids to process their own grief, whether it’s with they lost a parent or that marriage no longer exists. So there’s a grief element that needs to have space to just be grieved.
And also, my timeline was different than theirs of what I was ready to process. They were very quick finding each other, falling in love, getting married. It felt super quick. And now I’m like, “Okay, that was God’s timing. I do see it.” But at the time, it just felt so quick, and my pace was so different.
It’s definitely helpful to be told you’re allowed to have your own pace with processing this, accepting this, moving into this, because that just gives me permission—for someone like me, it’s nice to be like, “You’re allowed and it’s okay to be upset, and you’re allowed to have those feelings. You’re allowed to feel frustrated about this situation. You’re allowed to have anger. You’re allowed to have those emotions. You’re not letting your parent down by being really on a different page about this emotionally.”
And I think because that was part of maybe I feared I was letting my mom down. My emotions couldn’t get on board with where she was at, but I needed that time, and I needed a different pace to process.
Ron: So I am hearing how it’s very critical for both the biological parent and the stepparent to give permission to that. Now, I know that doesn’t mean permission to be sassy, permission to be out of line, permission to just get away with murder so we’re not talking about that; but yet permission to emotionally be on your own journey and find your own timing of, if and when you perhaps begin to soften toward the stepparent, for example, and begin to let them in. So how long would you say that took you? So 15, 16, they’re now married, and how long would you say till that sort of shifted for you?
Laura: I guess evidence of becoming a family is the fact of when you can argue. So if you’re more honest, arguments arise. So there came some point where formalities were lessened, and honesty would come out. And so sometimes I was very angry with Bill or would yell or argue or something with him for whatever reason. It never was anything of deep consequence, I don’t think, but we had to kind of push through some of that. He didn’t fully understand my personality either, and I had to understand more his too.
So sometimes he would interpret my pushback or something as a form of disrespect, when in reality it was just me. I’d been used to talking to my mom, sharing my opinions or something and so dynamics shifted for me.
Ron: So when you were pushing back a little with Bill, you were actually starting to let him in?
Laura: Probably.
Ron: But he didn’t read it. He didn’t read it that way. But that was sort of the beginning for you of a little shift in your heart, your spirit toward him.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: I just want to say to everybody listening or watching, it’s like you never really know what that means to the child unless you back up a little bit and maybe try to see it from their point of view.
Laura: Because being able to be more free with your emotions typically means you’re more safe. You feel more safe. So if you start seeing more evidence of that, I think that’s probably possibly also what’s happening is hopefully the safety threshold is increasing,
Ron: Ironically enough, more conflict may be a good sign.
Laura: Yes, and it’s not fun. Definitely, it was not easy. I went to counseling and process what it feels like not feeling in control of certain things in my life. And then thankfully, I mean, I had a stepdad and have a stepdad who was consistently loving my mom well.
Also some of that started speaking to me over time, just him loving my mom well and trying to love us well, not trying to compete with my dad. He definitely never tried to be my dad or imitate. He’s been just Bill. And now I tell Bill, I say, thank you for being you, because that’s honestly the best thing you could be. If you had tried to be my dad or like him, it would’ve made it even harder or worse or a turnoff. And so over time, consistency of loving my mom well and living a godly life, that definitely helped. And as I was processing my own grief and even learning how to let people in again, that was bigger than him; it was much bigger than Bill. I’d lost my dad. I’d felt abandoned, having a male figure. It was stuff God was having to work in me over many, many years.
Ron: I think that is so important, what you just said, that it was bigger than Bill. I think when stepparents perceive rejection that maybe they’re narrowing their focus a little too much. They’re just assuming it’s all about them, when really there’s a bigger story going on sometimes in the life of a child, and it really is larger than just receiving you. It has to do with their whole outlook on life and how they’re even posturing themselves to the world.
I’m going to fast forward a little bit. So 15, 16 years since Bill has been in your life, I’m going to guess, and you can correct me anywhere along this path, okay? But I’m going to guess that at this point there’s space in your heart for Bill, and of course there is always prime space in your heart for your dad. When you started to put those two side by side in your heart, was that difficult? Did you ever feel guilty about it? Did you ever feel like, “Well, I don’t know how to measure this. I don’t know how to do Dad and Bill,” or you know what I’m saying? Whether it just sort of, did that feel weird or by that time, was it okay?
Laura: Yeah, I honestly wouldn’t say side by side. I feel like they’re in two completely different places, and that’s what makes it feel so good actually, is because Bill was trying to be Bill and not my dad, Bill has his own place, and my dad has his own place, so I don’t feel like they’re even touching. Well, maybe they are, maybe. But in the sense of the way that he’s shown me love in a fatherly way, and I’ve very much appreciated that but that came over time. Thinking of them separately really actually helped though, and not ever trying to make it be the same thing or similar. And my relationship with Bill is very strong.
I share things with him and my mom, very open and vulnerably and ask their advice and spend time one-on-one with Bill. We do things on our own too, and we’ve built a good relationship. But yeah, it hasn’t been forced. And I think that’s the biggest thing is I have a pretty deep authenticity core to me, and most people do. I think you can just read if something’s forced or not. So you want it to happen in a natural, organic way. And yeah, I love Bill and tell him that, and he tells me the same. I’m so thankful for him. He is a father figure to me, and it just feels different than my dad. And there is space for both of them.
Ron: I think this is gold to our listeners. One of the things we say around here is stepparents think of themselves as an additional parent figure in the life of a child. All children, even growing up in a biological home with their two parents have additional parent figures in their world. They have coaches. They have mentors. They have teachers. They have a youth pastor. They have people who come into their world and play a role and add something to the child’s experience of life and to their understanding of life and influence them towards Christ; all kinds of things happen.
And when stepparents come in with that sort of posture that that’s what I’m going to try to do, then there is no competition with that biological parent living or deceased. It is another spot in your heart. I love the way you said that, not side by side, it’s just another place in my heart because they’re a different person and that stands on its own, and it takes nothing away from the attachment, the connection the child still has with their biological parent. And so I really, really appreciate you sharing that perspective, and I hope people will take that to heart.
I just got two more questions for you. One of is, what would you say to stepparents about caring for a child who has experienced the death of a parent? Is there anything in particular that you just think, “This was helpful for me,” or “This could have been helpful for me” “Do this, don’t do that”?
Laura: Yeah. There’s so many things to that. Every person grieves differently, but I would say patience, which is a fruit of the spirit. Just really practice patience because whether they’re emotionally charged and angry, or more isolating, whatever place on the spectrum they are, they might still need you to come into their space and be present.
So if you are that person who they do trust, ask God to give you wisdom when to push through; when they’re like, “No, I’m okay. I am going to just go to my room.” ask God for discernment and wisdom when those are the times you need to push through and go lean in. And if they’re angry or lashing out, ask God for wisdom of they just might need to be loved through this and allow this to come out too. So I would say patience and discernment.
Ron: That’s so very good. I just had a thought I got to share with you. So my son loves Star Wars.
Laura: Nice. I love Star Wars too.
Ron: And sometimes I wonder if there are divine appointments in paradise. And I’m imagining my son talking with your dad and they’re talking about space because your dad went there, and Connor just dreamed of it all the time. And I just wonder, with the eternal perspective that they now have what they would think of you and I talking about them.
Laura: Yeah. God’s goodness just keeps reaching through every hard thing, I think consistently. I do think about my dad being there in heaven, and I think about the no tears, no more pain, and just getting to celebrate those things like space or things God created. I mean, who knows what ability they have. They might be able to see some really cool things we don’t get to yet; but it is an amazing thing to think that they could be there having a conversation too.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Wow.
Ron: A lot of joy. A lot of joy happening between them. Laura, thank you for sharing your life with us. Thank you for your courage. I’m sorry for your loss.
Laura: Thank you. And I know you can relate on another level. I’m thankful we both have that relationship with God, knowing that this is not all there is and that there is hope to be had and purpose in these moments that feel hard.
Ron: Amen to that. Thanks for being with me today.
Laura: Thank you.
Ron: If you, the listener, haven’t subscribed to this podcast yet, please do that. We don’t want you to miss a future episode. A quick reminder that FamilyLife Blended is a donor supported ministry. If you want to give just to say thank you for this and other things that we do, check the show notes for a link. You can make a tax-deductible donation. You can also leave us a review or a rating that helps other people find us. We would love for them to find hope as well.
The number one email question that I get is, how do you find a qualified counselor? Laura talked quite a bit about that. I’ve certainly been through a lot of counseling in my life, and I am a big advocate for that. But how do you find a counselor specifically trained to help stepfamilies? Well, if you don’t know, we have a growing list of what I call Smart Stepfamily therapists and coaches who have invested time and energy in being helpful to blended families. They’ve gone through my advanced clinical training, and they are ready to help. So check the show notes for a link that will take you to an online list.
And if you’re a coach or a counselor or you’d know somebody who is, and they might be interested, we do training two or three times a year. It is pre-approved for 12 hours of continuing education, plus you get on our list; check the show notes. Again, we would love for you to become a part of that because we want a huge list, an international list of providers that are able to help blended families in the time of need.
I’m Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching. And thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible.
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