152 From Their Perspective: Losing a Dad and Life with a Stepdad with Davis & Campbell Faulkner

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FamilyLife Blended®

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Season 6, Episode 152: From Their Perspective: Losing a Dad and Life with a Stepdad

Guests:Davis & Campbell Faulkner

Air Date: December 02, 2024

Ron: Say a kid was listening, I don’t know, somebody 10, 15, who knows, maybe 25 and they’re still in the trying to figure it out stage, not feeling very confident about how things are going in their family, what’s your ten second advice for them?

Campbell: My best ten second advice would be don’t rush it. Don’t rush the immersion. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone. It’s not going to be clean. It’s a very messy process and just let it be that way. I know it can be really hard for my type a’s out there, but you just got to go with it. Go with the flow, kind of see how things go, and embrace the rough stuff as much as the smooth.

Ron: Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. And one of the reasons we do that is because we want home to be a safe place for children. Today we’re talking to kids about their home and about their life in a blender. It’s all from their perspective. Stay with me for that.

Next month, January 6th, 2025, Nan and I are releasing our first book together. The title is The Mindful Marriage. This is my first book designed for all married couples, not just those in blended families. And I got to tell you, it’s based on the work of my friend and counselor and mentor, Dr. Terry Hargrave and his wife Sharon. They are the real geniuses behind this material. We just teamed up with them to share what it is and to make it available to you. We want to share with you what it’s done for us personally in the process.

You see, throughout the book, Nan and I are the number one example of transformation that can happen in a life and in a marriage when you apply the principles. We’re going to share those principles with you, tell our story, and our hope is that it’s a blessing for your life.

Now let me just warn you. If you don’t want to grow up as a disciple of Jesus, or mature as a husband or a wife, then don’t bother reading the book. But if you do, I think this material is going to help. It really cuts through all the fluff. It gets to the heart of what makes relationships work. We really are excited about this book release. It’s been five years in the making and believe it or not, you can actually pre-order your copy on Amazon right now, or you can go on the FamilyLife® store right now. Check the show notes for a link. The book will be out in a month.

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Okay, I’m really excited about our guest today. You know that in this podcast we spend a lot of time talking about kids, about parenting kids, about what their world is like and their experience, and we even have a little series called Growing Up Blended, where we talk to adults who are reflecting back on their childhood. We do that to get some perspective of what it’s like to be a kid.

But on this episode of FamilyLife Blended, we’re actually talking to kids about what life is like for them right now, today. Davis Faulkner is 18. He’s from Atlanta, Georgia. He’s a freshman at Auburn. He’s passionate about music, motion graphics, and animation. Campbell is his sister; she’s 16. She’s a junior in high school. She’s passionate about cooking, wellness and riding horses. Campbell, I love riding horses. I think that’s pretty cool. I want to hear some stories here in a minute.

Davis and Campbell’s blended family includes their mother and their stepfather. I actually interviewed Rachel and Rod for episode 133. It was called Remarrying after Loss. Davis and Campbell’s father was an Air Force pilot, and he was killed tragically in a plane crash. That’s what gave birth to their blended family story. Davis, Campbell, thanks for being with me today. I appreciate you guys.

Davis: Thanks for having us.

Campbell: Thank you.

Ron: It’s really nice for you to be here. I can tell you some stories about your mom and your dad, but I won’t go there yet. We’ll just hold onto those, and we’ll maybe hold those over their heads just a little bit. One of these days we’ll be able to jump into that.

Davis, what are you studying in college? What are you interested in?

Davis:My current major is graphic design, and I do motion graphics and animation. Kind of did that my whole life and just kind of wanted to grow it. I’ll probably end up doing business or something just to help me in the long-term but doing the art stuff right now.

Ron: That is very cool. And man, the world is going towards computer, all things animation, man. I just think there’s got to be a future in that for you, so good job. Hang in there; keep going.

Campbell, I’m curious; what kind of activities are you involved in at this point in your life?

Campbell: I do competitive horseback riding, so it’s called Hunter Jumper and then I also, I’m homeschooled and I cook as a job.

Ron: Wow, that’s cool, and competitive riding, my goodness. I mean I’ve seen it on tv, but I’ve never seen it up in real life. What got you into that?

Campbell: I’ve always been really interested in horses, as one does with the little figurines and such, but I really got interested in it in around 2020 when we were in Covid and the only cleared activity in Georgia was agriculture, and so I did horseback riding. I really enjoyed it. I’ve been doing it ever since.

Ron: That’s really neat. That’s really great. Well, I mentioned Christmas; it’s around the corner. Some kids in stepfamilies—let me ask you guys that. Let’s just jump in because I’m really curious what your experience has been like. Some kids that I’ve talked to in the past who live in a blended family situation say the holidays are sort of a mixed bag for them. Of course there’s a lot of happy in it, but there’s also sometimes some sad, some sweet, some bitter. I’m wondering what the holidays are like for you guys now at this point in your family journey and what it was like in the beginning.

Davis, why don’t you just start by reminding our listeners how long your mom and Rod have been married.

Davis:So their 11th anniversary was this past June. They got married in 2013. That’s when we all came together and—

Campbell: —the rest is history.

Ron: And the rest is history. There you go. So Christmas, what’s it like for you guys now going into Christmas? I’m kind of wondering what it was like back, it’s hard to think back 11 years, but do you remember what it was like then and how is it different now?

Davis:I mean it’s definitely really interesting now; a lot more people because we have Rod side, so I really love them. I think I was at a young enough age and they’re all just super nice people, so they just made it super easy to enjoy going to their house. We didn’t really lose anything from it. It wasn’t like when Christmas started it was like, “Okay, we’re only going to Rod’s family now” or “We have to do every other.” They did a good job at compromising, and I think making it super easy for us at that age.

Campbell: Our parents did a really good job of making us feel like nothing much had changed. We met Rod in June, not in June, but they got married in June and we moved to Atlanta. So we had pretty much all summer to kind of assimilate and it was really nice because our family was so close. Rod’s family lived really close, and they’ve always been so kind. And if you know anything about my mom, she’s been married three times, so we still have other family from that as well. But Rod has just been even more than I could have ever expected. He’s so kind and very accepting of our complicated history and he’s amazing.

Ron: That’s really great. I’ll just tell our audience because they may have not heard that other podcast where I interviewed Rachel and Rod, she’s been married three times. She was actually widowed twice before turning 30. Your dad, he passed away. He was a pilot, and you guys were really young, and yet one of the things I know about grief is that it kind of grows up with you. I’m wondering how that works for you guys. How do you carry your father with you?

Davis:Tying into how you mentioned grief, I think we’ve experienced it very differently, and definitely at different times in our life, I think would be the biggest difference between us. I was two when it happened and so obviously, I didn’t really get what was going on. I think around five, in that six, seven range, I really realized what was happening and the magnitude of it and how it made me just a really different person when it comes to my friends and stuff like that. I think Father’s Days and stuff like that when all kids bring their dads to school was sort of when that started having a kind of deeper impact on me.

It definitely helped me get closer to a lot of other male role models in my family, my grandparents and stuff like that. I think it’s lived with me and it’s kind of a hard question because I think I’ve learned so much more about him and just realized how I was similar to him. It’s been a really interesting thing to just learn and as I’m growing up and develop more, better relationship with my grandparents and they tell me more about him and my mom tells me more about him, so I don’t think the grief has really lived with me in a super negative impact that maybe some people have, but it’s definitely been interesting.

Campbell: Yeah.

Ron: Just one follow up on that. The more your mom tells you about him or family members, grandparents or somebody else, pictures, maybe just different things that you see and come across, what does that feel like when you see it, when you learn something else about your dad?

Davis:It’s really interesting. I don’t really know a good metaphor or analogy to compare it to, but it’s like I kind of remember his face from when I was a kid, so seeing videos and pictures of him is almost like seeing someone out of a movie or out of a dream you’ve had or something like that.

So it’s a very interesting experience, but I think just seeing the way he spoke is just so it’s so impactful. Something about that specifically just seeing the way he spoke or the way he even interacted with people, especially in old videos that we’ve seen, it’s, I think that’s the most special because it’s just kind seeing how—I love seeing the ways I’m kind of similar to him because I never really got, obviously, he didn’t really raise me. So it’s just so interesting to see that we have so many similar interests and stuff like that. I have a bunch of his old stuff. I just bought a car a little bit ago and I’ve got his key chain on it. So just a bunch of stuff like that just kind of—

Ron: Of course, of course; that’s one of the ways you carry him with you.

Davis: Right.

Ron: Obviously, he’s in you in some ways in terms of maybe interests and things that are coming out of you. Yeah, that’s good.

Campbell, I’m wondering what would you add to this?

Campbell: Davis is definitely a lot more similar to our dad than I am, but I think from a grief perspective, I went through a really rough period when I was 11; more of the abandonment and replacement perspective and less of the, “I miss him” kind of situation because I was five months old, so I don’t really have a lot to miss. I never got to know him enough to have something to miss. I just felt the absence of not having a dad when other people did. So when I was 11, I just kind of felt a lot of grief around the memories of him. I was grieving the fact that I didn’t have any memories and that all of my other friends didn’t have stepdads. I just felt like unique in a way that I didn’t want to be.

I totally rejected my stepdad at that point, and I was just like, I think it was a time where I turned more to anger instead of sadness to be able to cope. And that was a really rough period for me, but I think that was probably the worst bit of it for me. But throughout my entire life, I think it’s very similar to you with the whole voice thing. I would say hearing videos, seeing pictures, the wedding video is probably one of my favorites, and my birth. I’ve watched my birth; he made vlogs of my mom while she was in labor with me and he’s just so silly and I really loved that. It was really cool.

Ron: Yeah. When you get a glimpse like that, I just imagine that’s something you go, “Man, I wish I knew more about that. I wish I had more of that.” And that’s that little sad part of your heart that never really gets over being sad.

I told somebody once tears are often an expression of love. It’s “I love you and I can’t have you.” So that’s where my sadness and that’s how it shows up. So I’m curious, Campbell, if I could go back when you said around 11, your sadness showed up as anger. I think that’s really insightful by the way, and I think a lot of people don’t even realize that that’s sort of what’s going on with them, especially at 11, not many adults realize that their anger is really a sadness. So what did that look like? If we were watching you be angry, what did it look like?

Campbell: It was a sight. I hate to say this, but I definitely lived in a little bit of a world of delusion when it came to my stepdad. He was just absolutely flawless in every way. I mean, not to toot his horn too much, but he literally did nothing wrong ever. I think he’s just gone through such extensive counseling around becoming a blended family, so he was doing great. But I was scraping to find things wrong with him to pin him against my mom. I literally, I was out for blood. I wanted them to get a divorce. I was very against Rod in every way.

And I realized, looking back on it now, I think I was just angry that I didn’t get to experience my dad. I think it’s like a growing pain. It’s rebellious teenage year-ish and I was just a very angry person. I kept trying to tell my mom that “He’s controlling you; he’s controlling you,” and he was doing no such thing. I went as far as to say, “I’m not going to call you Dad anymore. I’m not your daughter.” Just horrible things just because I was angry.

Ron: And if I could, how did he react?

Campbell: He cried a lot, but he took it well. I mean, from a communication perspective, he took it really well, but I think in his personal life it did more damage than he would care to let on.

Ron: Yeah, I imagine he felt the sting of it for sure. I know somebody’s listening right now, or watching, and they’ve got a kid who’s currently angry and they’re going, “Alright, Campbell, how did you come out of the anger? What happened?”

Campbell: My mom actually put us into counseling with a prayer therapist and we just worked through that. It really helped me to kind of see that I wasn’t angry at Rod, and I was more angry with life for taking something away from me. From a very practical perspective and less of a therapeutic aspect of healing, I would say it was more just like me and my dad repairing our relationship. He was definitely the pursuer in that, and he just supported me a lot. We went out and we did things together and he would just always try to pursue me and honestly, I think no better. That’s such a good representation of God. We want nothing to do with it and He’s just endlessly chasing.

Ron: Yes. Yeah, that’s exactly right. So if there’s a stepparent who’s listening right now and they’re discouraged, I guess we would just say, yeah, pace well with this child; don’t overdo it. Don’t chase them down and run them over but stay as close as they’ll allow you to and don’t stop.

Talk to me about terms that work for you guys. I mean some people will say, “Oh yeah, we say stepdad in our house,” or “We say bonus dad,” or there’s some stepparents they call them by their first name. I’m sure you guys have friends where you’ve heard it all. I’m just curious, how does that work for you and has it changed over the years?

Davis:I think that was honestly one of the biggest things that allowed me at the age of seven to really take him in is I really believed that he was my dad, and he is and was, always will be, but I called him Dad while they were dating. It was just, I think I grew up playing baseball and this is the cheesy thing, but just to have someone to throw with. There’s one thing where it’s your mom cheering for you, love my mom to death, but my mom would tell me I did good if I struck out three times. It’s just like there’s something about a dad telling you—

Ron: That’s what moms do.

Davis:Yes, for sure. But there’s something about a dad telling you “You had a good game,” or just being able to practice with them and they know that you’re doing good, or you need some work. So I think just being able to hang out with him and I called him Dad. I think I just wanted that so bad and that he definitely just like she said, he was pursuing me. I think kind of unlike her, it was like the traction I needed.

I think I was spinning wheels and that was what I needed and immediately caught on. I think if he went slow into it and was a little more timid with me, he tried to go by maybe how I was feeling on the shyer side, we probably wouldn’t have the same relationship we do now, but I just think I felt really loved immediately. And yeah, I call him Dad all the time. I’ve never referred to him as stepdad. I’m typically caught off guard by it when I’m at government stuff or getting a who knows what and they’re like, “Oh, your stepfather,” I like almost, I forget.

I think definitely interesting place about it is just referring to with other family and stuff like that. I think it’s me calling him Rod when I’m just referring to the difference because we call Blair—

Campbell: Daddy Blair.

Davis: —we call him Daddy Blair, just what we called him our whole life. But it’s interesting trying to gauge that with his parents or my mom’s parents.

Ron: I was just going to ask you about that. If Blair’s parents, your biological father’s parents are in the room, what do you call Rod? You call him Rod at that point?

Campbell: Dad.

Davis:We call them both Dad, unless we’re differentiating, I think for sure, but I say “Rod” around them, but not in a way where I’m trying to be a two face where I’m trying to please either one or the other. I think it’s just a clarification thing. They call him Rod. A lot of times we just end up talking about Blair a lot so when they say, “Oh, your dad blah, blah, blah,” it’s pretty obvious that they’re referring around him unless it’s contextual, we’ll make it different. But the good thing is we’ve never really had any issues about it, or it doesn’t seem to be like there’s a, “Don’t call him your father,” or something like that. It’s a fairly healthy scenario.

Ron: Cool. I want to hear how this works for Campbell, but first, she already told us that there was a season of her life, Davis, where she stopped calling him Dad. What was that like for you as her brother when she was angry at him?

Davis:I honestly just felt really bad for Rod. I felt, I think it was a tough scenario. It was like I didn’t see anything of why she would be doing this. And I think her being in that scenario made her definitely more mad at kind of everybody, not just him; but I just remember having some moments with him where I really felt bad. I was at the age where it probably would’ve been inappropriate for him to be like, “Let’s gossip about your sister and let my feelings out,” so I think it wasn’t a super big place in my mind where I was super concerned or super not concerned. I think I was just happy to have a dad at the moment. Honestly, I think it didn’t realize it as much until after it happened.

Ron: Okay, alright, cool. Campbell, so what terms do you use?

Campbell: Dad, Father, Papa. My dad and I are super close now, but I’d say the first six years were pretty smooth sailing. The second date I called him Dad, so the second time we met and the first time we met, I led him around the woods, and I wanted to impress him so bad, so I told him that I dug up trees. That is a longstanding joke in our family—

Ron: —dug up trees.

Campbell: Yeah, I would just point—this was not true, but I literally just was pointing at trees. “I dug that one up.” I was like four. I was like four.

Ron: That’s cute.

Davis:She used to hate that story. She used to be like, she said to him, “Dad, I’m a digger.”

Campbell: I’m a digger.

Davis:“I’m a digger. I dig things,”

Campbell: I dig.

Davis: And for years she hated that story. If we brought it up at dinner or something—

Ron:And now you’re just owning it girl. Way to go. Way to go.

Davis: —ferocious.

Campbell: No more running from my identity. As far as our relationship through the teenage years and all that kind of thing, he’s gone with me to daddy-daughter dances. He’s been endlessly supportive and we’re very much very similar people. I played sports all throughout middle school and high school and he and I played the exact same sports. I think we’re just really close. I think we got super lucky as well just to be in the situation that we were put in where we didn’t have a firm standing relationship with our biological father before he came into our lives. I think we got pretty lucky from that point.

Also Rod is just amazing, and we’re so blessed to be able to have such faith-driven parents and just to have God invited into the home consistently and just always having that to turn to has been really nice.

Ron:Yeah. Oh, that’s such a blessing. Absolutely. One of the things we say around here is blended families done well are redemptive. They bring blessing to people’s lives who have been through something hard already, and even as you guys are talking, I’m hearing that over and over as you talk about Rod. So Campbell, I asked Davis a minute ago when you were not so accepting or receiving of your dad what he felt about that. I’m curious, how did you feel towards him, towards Davis, during that season when you were angry, and it was coming out against Rod? Did it annoy you that Davis was still calling him Dad and all that?

Campbell: I think I was in a very deep pit of anger at the time, and so I was really mad at everyone. I thought it was just a man thing. I was very mad at my dad and Davis as a combo. I was like, “Let’s run away together, Mom.” I genuinely said that, and it was great timing because I ended up going to film a TV show that I was doing at the time for about a week, week and a half, two weeks and in Los Angeles. It was a time that me and my mom got to just spend together and kind of reflect.

After we came back from that, I think things really started to smooth out because I realized “If Dad goes away, the problems don’t go away. The problems are still here, he’s not the cause of that.” It didn’t just go away immediately, but we did work through it. I would say that was a pretty big catalyst in my relationship with Rod.

Ron: Wow. Okay, cool. I’m curious, was there a time in your life as a family where you just sort of felt, I don’t know, sort of disconnected or confused about your family? Davis, you were saying earlier how other people didn’t have stepdads, or they didn’t call, or they do call their stepdad, “Stepdad,” but you called yours Dad; sort of like you’re looking around, you’re listening to your friends, you’re seeing what other people are experiencing, and you just sort of felt kind of weird about your family.

Davis:To be honest, I think I had so much, not necessarily ignorance, but I just didn’t know, I wasn’t really thinking that much about other families. I think I was more self-conscious and just trying to be a guy and be cool in middle school and stuff like that. I think one thing that was, I had a lot of friends growing up whose parents were divorced, so if anything, they were just a variation of me. I almost, I think a lot of times—I had a friend who grew up and he never called his dad, “Dad,” and his biological dad went to jail and had a bunch of other stuff so there were other people to relate to me, to the point where I definitely never felt weird.

I think I was also very proud to have Rod. He’s just such a cool guy. My friends liked him, like everybody. He was just a great guy to be proud of and great guy to have. I think that filled that gap to the point where there was really never an insecurity there.

Ron: Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. How’d that work for you Campbell?

Campbell: I would say I’ve never really struggled with that except for one time when the dances were a big deal for me, the father-daughter dances, because it was like everybody had their dads out on display and “My dad’s cooler than yours” and my dad, he was gone. He was on a trip or something and couldn’t go. I remember that being a really big deal because I was like, I just, I’d never felt the weight of that before and I was like, “Well, I guess this is the way it is. My real dad is dead.” And that was the one time I think I didn’t really cry about it a lot, but I did cry about that. It was just really tough for me to be, it was just a reminder that he’s not my biological father.

Ron: And does that come with sort of a conflict within you? “How do I love both of these guys? How do I love the man who’s my biological father that I don’t know very well, and I wish were here and I wish I knew more of.” And at the same time, “Love Rod who’s great and he’s here.” I mean, do you ever just feel conflicted between those two places?

Davis:I think for sure, yeah. I mean it’s definitely been—I think I haven’t really expressed it much, like speaking about it. I think that’s been one of the more topics that I’ve just kind let marinate in my head and just kind of battling with myself. I think it’s hard to be, to ask someone. I feel like it’s also hard for me to put that into words and really talk to someone about that. I think the more I learned about who he was and how good he was to my mom, it was easy for me to realize that Rod is just loving our family and he’s not a replacement. That word doesn’t even have to come into the picture. He’s just loving our family and being good to us.

I think we’re definitely a unique family to the sense where we know who he was and know what kind of impact he had on our life and obviously really saw it, but we don’t really know him that well, nor did we have the attachment that some kids who lose their dad at seven or eight or even our age. It’s like I think that definitely has a lot more challenges and realistically bigger challenges because they’re just way more a part of your life. I think it definitely creates a more interesting scenario. It’s like I just really love what he did for us and when I was a kid, I would always say I really miss him. I think I was just missing what I didn’t have.

Campbell: You struggled with it a lot more than I did.

Davis:Yeah, definitely younger, but—

Ron: Kind of missed the idea of him.

Davis:The idea, yeah, that’s what it is.

Campbell: If you come at it, I just usually like to come at it from a point of gratitude and if I’m ever feeling the lack of my dad, I’m always kind of like, well, my life is really different now. It would’ve been really different if he was here again. But I’m endlessly grateful for the life that I have now and I’m grateful for the memories that he’s left us with because for me, just the way that I am, being a very imaginative person, thinking can get me into a lot of trouble.

So it’s just kind of don’t think about what ifs, don’t think about what could have been or where your life might be. Just be grateful for what you have and the memories that you have. I have two parents who love me to death, and I have a dad in heaven who also loves me. It’s just focusing on the gratitude aspect of it kind of outweighs the grief for me.

Ron: Yeah, it definitely speaks to the grief. One of the things, you guys don’t know this about me, but I lost a child. I know deeply what it means to walk through life everyday thinking, “Boy, he would be almost 29. What would life be like if he were still here?” And to miss him and to enjoy what we have and the memories I have and the videos I have and the audio clips I have of him singing and all that kind of stuff. And at the same time to go, but that’s not real. That doesn’t happen now. I don’t have that. I have some other different reality.

And so I grieve the past. I grieve what could have been and find gratitude. I really liked the way you said that for what the Lord is doing in my life even now to sustain and uphold and pull me forward. I think that’s at the end of the day, that’s what we come back to. Sometimes we can get mad at God for all the stuff that’s happened in our lives that we didn’t ask for, we didn’t want, and if we were writing the script, it would’ve been a whole lot different. But for some reason it didn’t go that way and God allowed it.

And that’s another thing. Do you guys ever wrestle with where’s God fit in all of this?

Davis:I think definitely when I was really younger that was a big question because it was just a constantly, I feel like it’s super easy to just really blame it on that, especially when my mom was doing a good job at being “God’s got us” and stuff like that. Saying that to us a lot that it’s like, “How does God have us if it feels like he put us in this situation?” I think that was definitely a battle that took a lot of time to kind slowly sift out of my mind. I would say it definitely wasn’t a one and done kind of, “Oh, I just trust God and stuff like this happens.” It was definitely a lot of seeing other people, seeing that trusting God and seeing that He has a plan. It’s something that really took time for me.

I had a ton of anxiety around. I think that was one of the biggest negative emotions that I took away was not necessarily the grief, but the anxiety and the fear that I got from when he passed away and just having constant, when my mom was gone, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, not home when she said she would, I would always assume she was in a terrible car accident or something like that. I just had a lot of really, really serious anxiety about it.

And I think it was just interesting to be how the lightning never strikes twice thing, but my mom lost two husbands, so it’s like I just never thought that could be us again and I don’t know if it’s going to happen. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. And the scary part is I know how horrible it would be for our family if we lost another person after basically spending all this time getting over the first so that was tough.

Ron: I’m like, once we’ve been educated, is the way I say it, that bad things happen, you can’t go back to being ignorant about that sort of thing anymore. You just know it could happen. So how do I live in the meantime? It’s not easy. Campbell.

Campbell: I don’t think I ever really struggled with that. I remember when Davis and I were really young, the one time that I think I really saw that anxiety in you was when our mom was like, she wasn’t responding to the phone. I think she was in the shower or something and Davis and I left, he grabbed my hand, and we were gone. We were asking people on the street to let us borrow their phones and call our mom. I just remember that being a really big thing. But yeah, I just remember that and that kind of scared me, and I was like, “Why are we worried about mom? Why are we worried about mom?”

I think it might’ve been really hard on our mom to raise us without somebody else, so we kind of felt that off of her maybe.

Ron: Yeah, I think probably so.

Okay, open-ended question, either one of you, or both. What’s the best thing about your blended family? What’s been the hardest thing about your family? Or what’s been the most surprising thing? You can do one or all three.

Davis:Best, I’d say it’s just as a son growing up with a dad. I think it’s just so important and there’s just so many things about me that I just know that I would not be who I am now and I’m really happy with who I am right now. Obviously, I’ve got insecurities and what’s not good about me, but there’s just definitely so many social things and life things that I’ve gotten from him that I cannot thank him enough for. I think that’s definitely the biggest thing.

We’ve just had so many great conversations. We trust each other so much to where I, I’ve come to so many things about him that I know many of my friends are things they’d never talked to their dads about and that’s just been really, really impactful in who I am.

Worst is—

Campbell: I don’t even know.

Davis:I think within the specific topic of having a stepdad and stuff like that, and not necessarily just our life after a stepdad would just be, I just feel bad when we’re talking about Blair a lot. I think that’s one big thing for me. That’s probably something that I shouldn’t worry about as much, but I just think I put myself in his shoes a lot and I think it’d be tough to see us. He’s a really big part of our life, obviously, and I think a lot more than other people just because we do a lot of military stuff, and we speak about him and how he’s been impactful in our lives. I think I feel bad for Rod sometimes just having to be like, that’s probably a tough mental battle that at least I would have.

Ron: You don’t want him to feel what?

Campbell: Jealous.

Davis:That we would rather have Blair or something like that. Obviously, that’s a worst-case scenario and it would be just out of a place of I guess insecurity but in a natural way. Who wouldn’t feel like that when we post about him for Memorial Day and things like that; when we have grandparents over and they tell us about who he was as a person. I think it’d be tough to really feel fully loved and wanted sometimes.

Ron: I appreciate that empathy in you; that’s really strong. And that’s that, back to that conflict that we were talking about earlier where you see them both, you love them both, and you don’t want one to feel something as it relates to your relationship with the other.

Davis:Right.

Ron: I’m curious, have you ever articulated what you just said to me to Rod? Like, “Hey dude, when I’m posting about Blair, just know this doesn’t mean anything about you and me.”

Davis:For sure; I think we’ve more talked about it. I think it’s really not me, the one doing those things that I feel bad about. I think it’s more just like Mom and Campbell mainly. I don’t really talk, I think I talk about him in more, a lot less emotional way. Well, I guess emotional, but I talk about cool things he did and stuff like that. But I think I really try to be sensitive with it and not in a way that I’m going to not talk about my dad because I don’t want to hurt Rod’s feelings. I know that he’s not like that. He’s really happy for us to have a cool dad like that and be able to value him for the things he does. But I’ve definitely spoken to him about it and just let him know that I don’t even know, just like what I just told you basically.

Ron: Yeah, that’s great. No, that’s good. I think that’s really important. Campbell, your turn.

Campbell: The best thing about having a blended family is literally just Rod. He’s amazing. He’s one of my best friends. I just think we’ve kind of gotten to that point in our parent-child relationship where he’s definitely more of a friend and less of a parent. Or maybe equally, maybe one more or the other some days. He’s everything I need him to be, and I love that very much.

But the hardest thing, definitely what Davis said a hundred percent, I feel kind of guilty for talking about Blair sometimes, and I’ve definitely talked to Rod about this a lot. I’m like, “I never want to replace you. I love you guys. You’re just different people. I love you in different ways and you know that.” I think we’ve gotten to a really stable point in our relationship where it’s not really so much of an issue anymore, but it definitely used to be.

Ron: Good. Well, I’m glad you’ve had the courage to, both of you, the courage to express some of that because that’s one of the ways you help to dispel them misunderstanding your heart.

Campbell: What were you going to say?

Davis:I think just two things. One thing I was just going to say is we call him Rod a lot on this call and I think it’s like someone might be listening and be like, “Well, I thought they called him Dad.” You know what I mean? But I think it’s just easy for us to be like, almost like we’re talking to our grandparents or clarifying to someone, especially when differentiating.

I also think taking away from what I was saying before is it’s really not something, I wouldn’t say it’s a worst part, something I constantly struggle with or something that really hurts our family. I just think it’s something, it’s just a little tough to see sometimes. I’m trying to even think of what maybe the worst part of the—

Campbell: —of like blending would be. I think the struggles that we struggle with the most I think are very normal family things, but I’m trying to think of an example that may be more common in a home that is blending for the first time or something.

Davis:Yeah. And then what was the other question you said best, worst, and—

Campbell: —most surprising.

Ron: Most surprising.

Davis: Most surprising—

Campbell: Well, I’ll think about worst; you think about surprising.

Davis:Okay. I think most surprising, I don’t think I ever would’ve expected to trust him and him trust me as much as he does. I think I definitely saw a lot of dads as a kid putting a lot of pressure on a lot of my friends, and I think that’s kind of totally what I expected and that’s really not how it is. I mean, he wants me to do what I want to work hard at and want to get good at, and he’s always been there. I mean, I’m the craziest hobby freak. I have a hundred hobbies and he’s always been there for me to get good at them and develop them.

I’m pretty much an art student, so a lot of dads are like, “You should do finance or business or something,” and he’s been super supportive in that, and I don’t think I would’ve expected that coming into it, especially if I definitely don’t think I would expect that if I blended at my age now after seeing what my friends are like.

Campbell: Again, this is just another thing on the worst would be like when we were younger, oh my gosh, it’s so slipping my mind, but I just had something and I was like, this is so good.

Davis:It’s probably good that we can’t think of the worst thing.

Campbell: You know what? Let’s just do surprising, most surprising probably be how just cool he is with everything. When Rod came into the family, I would’ve expected him to be a lot more uptight about everything, such as like, “Oh wow, she’s been married twice before me and has two children.” I would’ve been a lot more uptight, and he’s just been really relaxed about the whole thing and very understanding. I think that’s contributed to the smooth transition.

Ron: That’s cool. Okay, last question. Say a kid was listening, I don’t know, somebody 10, 15, who knows, maybe 25 and they’re listening to this conversation. They’re still in the trying to figure it out stage, kind of wrestling with some things, not feeling very confident about how things are going in their family, what’s your ten second advice for them?

Davis:I think it’s hard because I think it’s super dependent on really the personalities of who you’re trying to connect with. You may have a—I just know some dads who are honestly just shy people and have harder trouble connecting with their kids that are not in blended families and really haven’t—I don’t even know if they have had the opportunities to really reach out and communicate a lot of things just because that’s how it is and that’s in a non-blended family, so that’s difficult enough.

I think just on our end it’s like you may expect it’s really their job to reach out to you, but especially, you’re saying even 25 years old, I feel like at some level you got to know is we’re all being blended. Obviously, that’s kind of a generic statement, but it’s everybody’s job to make a difference. It’s not like you need to, if your dad’s new to the family, you don’t need to wait for him to reach out to you. It’s like he’s going through just as much as you are, likely more and knowing that if he loves you and wants to connect with you. You’re saying from a distance maybe there’s too much distance in the family or feeling that insecurity.

Ron: Yeah, and I hear you saying give them a chance, try to do your part, and try to figure out how you guys can get along. Campbell?

Campbell: For me, I would say my best ten second advice would be don’t rush it. Don’t rush the immersion. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone regardless, like a friend, it would take a while to become best friends with someone, so give it the amount of time you would give someone if you wanted to be best friends. Treat it like a friendship, go on play dates, figure each other out a little bit, trying to navigate that from a very playful perspective.

Also invite humor into it. It’s not going to be clean. It’s a very messy process and just let it be that way. I know it can be really hard for my type a’s out there, but you just got to go with it. Go with the flow, kind of see how things go, and embrace the rough stuff as much as the smooth. It’s all going to help. If something really sucks, I would always say, “This will be funny in five years, 10 years, 20 years, it’ll all be okay. It’s always going to end out good.”

Davis:I think she’s really right about the humor thing too is now that I think about it, especially if I think whoever the kid is at the age to where it’s not going to hurt them to be honest or at least realistic. I remember my dad talks about things, “When I was first your dad,” or he says things like that where he is just able to be transparent about what he was thinking with me or what he didn’t know about or what expectations, or absence of expectations. I think that can be really helpful is just being transparent, especially if you feel like they’re old enough to where they can be like, “I’m your stepdad, I just want to get to know you.” It’s like there doesn’t need to be that disconnect of trying to be something you’re not.

Ron: Yeah, guys, man, I got to tell you, this has been a great conversation. I really appreciate you. Let me just on behalf of all of our listeners and viewers, let me just say thank you to you for your courage and your willingness to just come on and be real and tell it like it is. I know it’s given a lot of good perspective to a lot of people, so thank you for that.

Davis: Thank you, Ron.

Campbell: Thank you.

Ron: If you, the listener or viewer have enjoyed this conversation, hey, we got more coming with more kids, so stay tuned.

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Knowing that the holidays are kind of stressful, let me just remind you that we have a growing list of counselors and coaches that have gone through my advanced training in stepfamily therapy. They are listed on the website, SmartStepfamilies.com. They’re listed as recognized providers of Smart Stepfamily therapy. We’ve got a list there. You can look them up by states, and we have a number of international providers around the world as well. So take a look. Some of them even work with people virtually. So if you don’t have somebody in your backyard, well maybe there’s somebody you can tap into in a virtual way; that’d be great. Again, check the show notes for a link to that page.

I’m Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching. And thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible.

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