154 From Their Perspective: Adjusting to a Bigger Family, Luke Landwer

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Season 6, Episode 154: From Their Perspective: Adjusting to a Bigger Family

Guest:Luke Landwer

Air Date: December 30, 2024

Ron:Sometimes kids about your age who have two different homes, they sometimes feel sort of stuck between them and you’re not sure what to do. How do you handle that?

Luke:That happens sometimes. I ask my mom if I can go to my dad’s house, but my friend’s coming and I don’t know which is better. I think they’re both great, but I don’t know. I wish I could be in both places at once.

Ron:Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. And you know what else we do? We help kids. All this month we’ve been talking with children, living in blended families. We want to hear their stories and about their journey so you can be better informed about yours. Our two previous episodes were talking with kids, young adults, and you’re going to hear one more conversation today, so stay with me.

Our new book begins shipping in about a week. I can’t believe it. The Mindful Marriage, Nan and my first book that we’ve co-authored together, comes out January 7th, but you could pre-order today on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, FamilyLife®, wherever you get your books. This book is for every couple, not just blended families. So tell a friend or a family member about it.

But I have to tell you this, as a blended family couple, I think it’s application to your family, to your marriage, to your parenting, your co-parenting—there are many, many, many applications—I think it makes it the most important resource that I’ve created. So order yours today. It’s called The Mindful Marriage.

Luke’s parents divorced when he was pretty young. He lived between his mom’s house and his dad’s house for a while. And then about four years ago, his mother married a man who had six children, and they moved to Georgia. Now the Griffeys, that’s their last name, are subject of a video that we created at FamilyLife Blended, posted it to YouTube earlier this year. It’s about blending families and merging different cultures.

You see, Luke’s mother is from Brazil and his stepfather is from rural Georgia. They aren’t just blending people; they have to blend cultures as well. By the way, if you want to see that YouTube family story, just look in the show notes for a link. We’ll get you connected. Here he is. Here’s Luke. Thanks for joining me today.

Luke:Thank you.

Ron:Yeah, it’s good to have you. As I recall, you are 11, right?

Luke:I am 11.

Ron:And what grade are you going to be in or what grade are you in this year?

Luke:I’m in sixth grade this year.

Ron:Sixth grade; is that middle school where you are?

Luke:Yeah, I’m in middle school.

Ron:Okay, is this a new school for you?

Luke:It’s a new school.

Ron:Yeah, and what’s that like? I know every time I moved my kids, and they had to go to new schools and make new friends, they didn’t like it very much. What’s that been like for you?

Luke:I don’t think it’s that bad to go to a new school because one of my best friends is going there.

Ron:Okay, man, does that help. I’m glad to hear that. It’s good to have a friend already there. It certainly makes the transition easier I would think. Have you had to change anything else since your mom married your stepdad in the last few years? New schools, new church, new anything?

Luke:It feels like new everything most of the time.

Ron:Good. Can you give me an example?

Luke:New rules, new house, and I have to say, “Yes sir,” now.

Ron:Okay, let’s go with that. New rules saying, “Yes sir,” and “Yes ma’am,” to your mom, stepdad. I’ll just give our listeners and our viewers a little background for the video that we created with your family where we sort of followed you guys around and talked to different family members. You talked about that on the video, how that was a new thing. Your stepdad has six children, and they were all taught to say, “Yes sir” when responding to an adult, or “No sir,” “Yes ma’am,” that kind of thing. And that was new for you. Man, so what was that like when they told you that was something you had to do? Do you remember how you thought or how you felt about that?

Luke:It sounded pretty strange. It sounds like I only heard that from people in the military.

Ron:I’ve thought that before myself. As a matter of fact, people in the military, it’s very common for them to do that. So did it sort of feel like, “What? Am I in the military now?” Is that what you were wondering?

Luke:Pretty much; it felt like that I was really low rank in the military if that was a thing.

Ron:I gotcha. And who needed you or expected you to say, “Yes sir,” “Yes ma’am”? Where did that come from?

Luke:It was my stepdad, Ty.

Ron:And how did your mom feel about it? Was she like, “Yeah, you should say yes sir.” Or was she sort of like, oh, that’s new to her too?

Luke:She never told me anything about it, but I think she was thinking that’s a good thing.

Ron:Okay, and did she then expect you to go ahead and try to learn that new rule?

Luke:I think so.

Ron:Yeah, must be because you’re still doing it, right? You’re still having to say, “Yes sir, No sir.”

Luke:I do it every day I talk to them.

Ron:Alright, so just last question about that. I’m just curious, how long did it take you to get used to saying that? Was it pretty quick or did it take a long time?

Luke:It did take kind of a long time. If I was guessing it would be maybe four months or a year.

Ron:Okay, so it definitely took a long time. Any other rules that you can think of that changed after your mom got married? Bedtimes, chores, expectations, anything like that?

Luke:Chores.

Ron:You got more chores or less?

Luke:Way more; I never had any chores before and now I have more.

Ron:Okay, dude, shoot straight with me. Is that a good thing or not so good thing? According to you having more chores?

Luke:It’s a good thing because I get $5 an hour and it’s better than nothing.

Ron:So it came with some reward, so that made it a little bit easier. Alright, alright, that’s good to know. Glad you’re feeling good about that.

Hey, listen, so I referenced that family story that we did of you guys. In that video, one of the things that your mom shared is that at one point you said to your mom, and I don’t remember when this was. I know your parents divorced when you were young. I don’t know how old you were. I know you spent a number of years, just you and your mom together, and then stepdad, Ty comes into your life.

By the way, Ty has six kids. We’ll come back to that in a minute. But at one point you said, I think it was regarding your mom deciding or announcing that she was going to get married. You said something like, “Mom, that’s not fair. Why aren’t you and dad together?” Do you know what I’m talking about? And can you remember a time when you felt that way?

Luke:I think I remember saying that once or twice.

Ron:Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about how you were feeling when you said that? What felt unfair about it?

Luke:I didn’t really want to have another dad. I just wanted one. They’re both different and I want things to be the same when it’s parents.

Ron:And dude, I can tell you, you are not alone in that. I’ve talked to a lot of kids through the years who feel very much the same way. It’s sort of like, “Hey, wait a minute, I got a dad, I got a mom. What’s wrong with that? Can we just keep it that way?” It gets more complicated when you start adding people, doesn’t it?

Luke:Yeah.

Ron:Okay, so do you remember specifically how that felt when your mom and dad divorced? I don’t know how old you were. Do you remember anything about that time in your life?

Luke:I was two years old, and I don’t know anything.

Ron:Okay, so for the longest time it was just you and your mom. Did she date other guys?

Luke:I don’t think so. Because after that, when I was five years old, I remember things from then and it was just me and her for the whole time.

Ron:Okay. Well that’s a pretty big change then when Ty and his kids come along, big change. That’s seven people. I’m not good at math, but I know I can add that much. That’s seven more people living in your house. What was life like in those first few weeks when all of a sudden, you’re all living together?

Luke:They don’t all come at the same time because the house is too small, I guess. The most that’s ever been over at once for over a night would be three people, four counting me. And it is just kind of chaotic because there’s people everywhere. In every single room you see somebody.

Ron:And how well at this point do you know them? You getting to know those stepsiblings?

Luke:I don’t see them that often sometimes. They used to be here more, but not most of the time because they only come on weekends and it’s not that long.

Ron:So is it sort of like they’re just there to visit and they’re there for a couple of days and then not?

Luke:Yeah, it’s like that.

Ron:Yeah, and do you know where they’re going? They go on to another family member, their mom’s, where are they going?

Luke:They usually live at their mom’s house.

Ron:Okay, I gotcha. Okay, so yeah, things get busy. I imagine the time with your mom gets less when other kids show up, yes?

Luke:Not really. They’re not in the way. They’re just all doing their own thing the whole time.

Ron:Yeah, everybody’s just sort of carves out their own space. And then there’s just getting used to your stepdad. Tell me a little bit about what that journey has been like for you; to get to know him and sort of build a relationship.

Luke:I don’t know.

Ron:Okay. Is it just you’re not sure how to describe it or you’re just sort of still trying to figure it out?

Luke:I don’t know how to describe it.

Ron:Okay, that’s cool. That actually makes a good point in and of itself. I think a lot of times kids aren’t really sure what the nature of that relationship is like with somebody in their stepfamily and they’re still trying to put words on it and that’s really okay. And one of the things, our hope and prayer for you and for your family is that over time that becomes more clear and it gets easier to know how to talk about that relationship. So just keep going. It’s quite all right.

By the way, I happen to know that your grandparents—let me back up. Your step grandparents, your stepdad Ty’s parents live pretty close to you guys now, isn’t that right?

Luke:Probably like five minutes away maybe.

Ron:Okay, so they’re close. Do you guys go over there frequently? Do they come over and visit you guys? What’s that like?

Luke:We went there recently, and everybody went there. My oldest stepsister and her husband and just everybody went there. We were all just on the front porch in chairs, just sitting there and talking.

Ron:Hanging out. Is that a comfortable place for you to be at the stepgrandparents’ house?

Luke:It feels like I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who are nice.

Ron:Yeah, sounds like you feel pretty comfortable there. If you went to a friend’s house and all of a sudden, his grandparents showed up, well you wouldn’t necessarily feel really close to his grandparents, but you could see that he felt close to his grandparents, right? And so I just wondered how you were feeling with your stepbrother and sister’s grandparents. Are they starting to feel like your family too?

Luke:It feels a lot like that because I’ve been seeing them for a long time and they just feel, I feel part of their family or the opposite.

Ron:Yeah, I am glad to hear that. I know in the beginning it probably felt a little bit more like they were strangers, but over time feel more like family. Yeah, that’s good. Is there anything else like that in your family? In the beginning it was a little strange, didn’t really feel comfortable. You weren’t sure if you belonged, but now things feel different, feel better.

Luke:That’s exactly what it felt like.

Ron:Okay, well that’s good. That’s an important journey and sometimes it can take longer than you wish it would before you feel comfortable but I’m glad you’re getting there. That’s really great. Do you mind if I ask you about your dad a little bit? Do you get to see him very much?

Luke:On some weekends I get to or breaks like winter break, I think I went there.

Ron:And where does he live? Is he close by, or no?

Luke:He’s not that close. He’s probably two hours away.

Ron:Okay. So you got to plan a little bit to be able to go and see him, but you do get to see him pretty regularly I’m hearing?

Luke:Yeah.

Ron:Is there ever a time you wish you could see him more?

Luke:I wish he lived right next to me. That’s what I told my mom like three years ago.

Ron:Boy, that would be convenient, wouldn’t it? Because that’d be great to have both worlds right there where you could get to them, mom’s house and dad’s house. Sometimes kids about your age who have two different homes, they sometimes feel sort of stuck between them. If your dad and your mom don’t agree on something or your dad wants you to be able to come for the weekend, but mom’s saying, no, we can’t because something’s going on or vice versa, and you sort of end up feeling stuck in the middle. Other kids say they feel that way sometimes. I’m curious if that’s something you have ever felt?

Luke:That happens sometimes. I ask my mom if I can go to his house, but my friend’s coming and I don’t know which is better. I think they’re both great, but I don’t know. I wish I could be in both places at once.

Ron:Yes. Let’s try to get a superpower, dude. I would love for you to be in both places at once. That would just be awesome. But of course we know that’s not going to happen. So what do you do with that when you’re feeling pulled and you’re not sure what to do, how do you handle that?

Luke:I don’t really know what to do and I don’t know if I can do anything, so I just agree with it, and I don’t try and change anything most of the time. I think I used to be more upset about it and I would rather go to my dad’s house because he got closer here two years ago. He used to live in Florida.

Ron:So sometimes I’m hearing you say you do have a different opinion, but you just sort of go along with whatever’s going to happen. You’re not really sure what you can do about it.

Luke:Yeah, that’s right.

Ron:Yeah. Huh. It’s kind of hard to know who to talk to because when you feel pulled dad’s side, mom’s side, you’re not really sure which one you should talk to about it. You don’t want them to get upset either.

Luke:My dad, he loves me a lot and he wants me to come over there, but I also want to see my friend or do whatever my mom tells me I have to do instead of going there.

Ron:Yeah, it’s a lot to consider. It really is. And it’s hard sometimes to know exactly what the best thing to do is. You don’t want to let anybody down. Do you sort of feel like you’re letting your dad down if you stay and do whatever’s happening in that mom’s house?

Luke:Sometimes I feel like that because also sometimes I have a choice if I’d rather go to one place or go to his house.

Ron:Ooh, that’s a little hard. You feel, what do people say? A rock in a hard place. You kind of feel no matter which you choose, you’re going to hurt somebody else’s feelings.

Luke:I think I would hurt my dad’s feelings more than my mom because I see my mom way more than my dad.

Ron:Not everybody, but some kids, kind of feel guilty about things like that. What about you?

Luke:I don’t think so that much because them getting divorced wasn’t my fault and if they didn’t get divorced then I would not be able to see them both at once.

Ron:Well buddy, you just spoke truth right there and I’m glad that you see it that way and that you don’t blame yourself for stuff that wasn’t your fault. Good for you. You’re exactly right and I am glad you don’t necessarily feel guilty. It still feels kind of weird though, having to be stuck in the middle trying to navigate, figure out what to do. So let me ask you something else. What’s been the best part about being in this new blended family for you?

Luke:It’s less lonely because it was just me and my mom and there might’ve been a lot more to do at my old house because it was in a neighborhood and now it’s not, but there’s more people at the house all the time.

Ron:You got people to do stuff with. Anybody play video games with you now? You got a new video game partner?

Luke:I did a few times. My stepbrother’s brother, I don’t really know which part; he is in the other family. I don’t know.

Ron:Okay, you’re not sure how he’s connected. It’s complicated sometimes, isn’t it? Yeah, you just know he comes with part of the territory.

Luke:I played Fortnite with him sometimes and I think it’s different people on the same account too.

Ron:Okay, you’re not sure who’s showing up. That’s funny. Hey, so if that’s been a good thing, what’s been a little difficult for you?

Luke:There hasn’t really been anything difficult if you mean because of the other family.

Ron:Yeah, that’s kind of what I was wondering. Just anything that was hard to get used to or, I mean we did talk about saying yes sir, no sir, and that’s sort of been a little hard to get used to, but if that’s the worst thing, well that’s not so bad actually in the grand scheme of things. So that’s good. I’m glad to hear you say that.

Has there been anything that’s sort of surprised you? Like, “Wow, I didn’t see this coming,” but it’s a good thing like birthdays or holidays or new traditions. I know your mom’s from Brazil and they didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving and now you do, or just anything like that that’s sort of been a pleasant surprise.

Luke:There’s a lot more birthdays and if there’s a holiday where I don’t go to my dad’s house, we go to my stepgrandparents’ house and we just have parties, kind of, but there’s a bunch of food and cake and ice cream.

Ron:I was just going to say, you get to eat more cake these days of all the other people. Yep. Okay. That’s a nice, pleasant surprise. I’m all about cake anytime I can. Give me some birthday cake; that’s great stuff.

Hey, listen, last question, I’m going to let you go. If you were talking to another kid about your age and they were like, “Yeah, I guess I’m just going to have this new family,” and they’re just starting this journey that you’ve been on now for what, four or five years, what would you say to them to try to maybe encourage them or help them be okay?

Luke:Bond with your stepparent so things are better in the future.

Ron:Okay, got any pro tips on how they can do that? What should they do?

Luke:I played board games with my stepdad almost like before I went to sleep. We played chess together.

Ron:Okay, play some games. Got it. Any other suggestions?

Luke:Talk to your other stepparent too and just be nice.

Ron:Talk to them, get to know them, spend some time with them. That’s an important relationship is what I’m hearing you say. Luke, man, thank you for giving us a little bit of your time. Thanks for being with me today and helping everybody who’s listening or watching. God bless you.

Luke:Thank you.

Ron:All right folks, there it is. We all need that wisdom, childlike wisdom that comes to us every once in a while. I’m sure you picked up something.

If you have not subscribed to this podcast, the audio version or the YouTube version, I want to encourage you to do that. And if you don’t mind, maybe share an episode with a friend or a family member so they can benefit the way you have. The new year is just a couple days away. If you’re looking for something to refresh your most important relationship, I suggest maybe you pick up a copy of The Mindful Marriage.

In fact, the timing for that is perfect because next time on FamilyLife Blended, my wife and I are going to be talking about that book with our friends, our former counselor, and the people who have inspired the work behind this book. Dr. Terry and Sharon Hargrave. That’s next time on FamilyLife Blended.

I’m Ron Deal. Thanks for listening or watching and thank you to our production team and donors who make this podcast possible.

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