Acts of Kindness and Generosity: Brad Formsma

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Acts of Kindness and Generosity

Guest:Brad Formsma

From the series:I Like Giving: The Transforming Power of a Generous Life (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:November 29, 2024

Shelby: Hey, Shelby Abbott here. I just wanted to check in. If you’re still searching for a meaningful gift as Christmas approaches, FamilyLife’s 50 percent off Weekend to Remember gift cards are still available, but only until Monday. So honestly, it’s such a great way to hit pause, reconnect with your spouse, and focus on your marriage. Or if you know a couple who could use some time away, this is the perfect gift. So head on over to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the Black Friday sale because Monday is actually the last day that our deals will be available.

Alright, now let’s get into the program.

Brad: We had this one little girl send us a note, and her mom actually was honest enough to share it with us. She just basically said, “Well, whatever you’re planning to do with this Generous Kid’s Book Club is working. Because my daughter told me that I was not acting like Polly the Parrot and being generous with words. In fact, she overheard me on the phone and “Mom, you’re not being generous with your words.”

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Dave:This is FamilyLife Today.

Okay, so today we’re talking about a topic that is, I think, transforming for families.

Ann: I do too and it’s a secret that not every family knows.

Dave:So Brad, again, we had you on here yesterday, but your ministry is called—

Brad: I Like Giving.

Dave: I know, and we heard the story yesterday. And by the way, if you missed yesterday—

Ann: Oh, go back.

Dave:—just hit pause now and go back. Because even the origin of that title I Like Giving is an unbelievable story. Again, if you didn’t hear it, you don’t even know the bike story; it was yesterday. But this is your life. It isn’t just the Formsma family, it is you are training people. How is this transforming?

Brad: Well, I think what’s so cool is Jesus gave us this model of telling stories, and he was using stories to message and to not hit people so hard over the head that they would just run away, but he was pulling them in to have ears to understand it. I think what I found was that in God’s word, there’s so many places where—for example, he says, “I love a cheerful giver.”

So I’m not a theologian, but I thought, “The clue phone’s ringing.” I mean, if he loves a cheerful giver, then that might lead me to believe he loves me, but he’s probably not into me being a grumpy giver or a no giver. And I’ve been all three. So just sitting here in the humble chair, I mean, I’ve been all three. By the way, when I turned into a no giver, I had gotten burned on some giving opportunity and so I just, “I’m done. I’m taking my toys home. I’m not giving anymore.”

And so after about 30 days, I was like, I kept looking around, where’s the joy in my life? Gone, so then I realized, well, that’s not really going to work. So I got to learn forgiveness and realize that now every time I give, it might not be perfect, but I know I’m more like Jesus when I give than when I hold back.

Ann: Let me ask you this, Brad: are we all as believers called to be givers, not just our tithe? Do you think as you study the Bible, as you’ve done this ministry for how many years?

Brad: Yeah, since 2010, the nonprofit I Like Giving started.

Ann: Yeah,

Brad: I can’t help but look inside of God’s word all over the place. He’s talking about generosity all the time. “For God so loved the world that he gave,” right? This, “Be a cheerful giver,” “Give and it shall be given,” so I definitely think there’s enough in there to support. And then there’s the whole other side of, here’s what’s so fun. When you give, you get joy, you get oxytocin, dopamine, all that stuff today. You get better relationships; you live longer. And then bonus, he says, “Hey, by the way, when you lay up for yourself, treasure in heaven, that’s waiting for you too.” So it’s a pretty good deal; but you can go scarcity and see how that works.

Ann: Be a grumpy pants.

Brad: Yeah.

Dave:Let’s talk about why we don’t. I mean if that’s true, and I’m sure we’re all—it’s like when I’m up there preaching and people are going, “Amen,” and you’re thinking, “Are they going to go live this or they just amening the words.” Everything you just said is proven scientifically—your brain, oxygen, all that stuff.

I was looking at one of your quotes in the book is The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink. He just said they’ve figured out that when you live a life of generosity and giving, you are happier than if it’s all about storing up for yourself. But most of us don’t, so what’s the struggle when we know that’s true, but it’s so hard to do?

Brad: Well, I love this response. My mom’s a FamilyLife listener, so she always gets nervous—

Dave:Hey, wait, wait, you’re not?

Brad: Yeah.

Dave: Okay, just checking.

Brad: But I’m going to get, I’m going to cover it by saying I’m going to talk about a few four-letter words. That’s where mom starts to get nervous if she’s driving down the road, but there’s a bunch of them related to your question: fear, busy, debt. We could just kind of go through the list of some things in the natural that come at us.

This is a phenomenon, this notion that you reap what you sow. I think a lot of us, myself included, don’t realize that whether I’m being generous or ungenerous with my words, you reap what you sow. When I’m generous with my money or not you reap what you sow. So this is a principle that God just said, it’s there. I mean, if you want to skate outside the lines on this, you can, but there’s going to be a consequence.

You know what’s funny, the other day I was thinking, why do I have so many fun flight attendants on my flights? And I thought maybe it’s because I’m nice to them. Maybe it’s sometimes I bring gummy worms, and they like those. By the way, news flash, hot tip; they don’t want your cupcakes that you made at home. They like prepackaged things that they can send the little mini-Snickers to the pilots. That’s good. But don’t be bringing your muffins.

Dave:So you do that on flights?

Brad:Oh yeah, yeah, of course. One of my favorite tricks is pick an In-N-Out Burger—that’s where we live. I get a smaller denomination, five, ten dollars, something like this and then when I’m checking my bag, if the person seems like they’re having a grumpy’s day or they’ve done a really good job, because you’re not supposed to give them money—this is so fun—I’m like, “Have you ever seen one of these?” And I hand it to them. Well, they always take it, and they look at it and I’m like, “That’s for you.” “Oh, I can’t.” “Well, I found it in my wallet,” and then I turn around and walk away. They’re like all flustered. It’s so fun. Try it sometime. It’s the best.

Dave: Oh, you just gave my wife another reason to give.

Brad: Oh yeah.

Dave:Another way to give.

Brad: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here we are talking about families. I just know our kids are observing things. It’s the number one deal. They’re going to see you and they’re going to model. So we’re all modeling something and boy, when we model something wrong, that’s okay, because then it gives us a chance to show them how we blew it.

Dave:Yeah. Talk about, you mentioned the word fear. I mean, there’s a lot; busy.

Ann: Well, you talk about giving filters too, and fear could be one of those.

Dave:Yeah, but I think for a lot of us, I know for me, and we give, we give generously, but when I’m afraid to give more than I think, it’s fear that holds me back. I think for people in our church as a pastor that didn’t tithe, and most people don’t, majority of churches, Americans don’t—

Ann: What’s the average giving? Two percent?

Dave:I mean, it’s around two percent. You would even know just well, but as a pastor, I knew that a hundred percent of our giving came from about twenty percent of the congregation and the other eighty, it’s usually fear. So how do you deal with the fear?

Brad: I love the line start to start. I mean, I think you have to go into your heart and your soul and say, “Where am I today with my relationship with Jesus?” And “Do I trust him? Do I trust that everything I have is from him and it’s his anyway?” And this is like a muscle, right? It’s like you go the workout kind of thing.

This is why the GenerousKidsBookClub.com got started. We realized that when kids experienced the joy of giving early, we talked about that in the bike story yesterday, research millions of dollars poured into this by the search institute that shows when kids are 8, 10, 12 years old, they move from concrete to abstract thinking in their minds. What’s so significant about this is that’s where you are first, first establishing your morals, your values, and your worldview. I might add biblical worldview.

Well, what an idea for all of us as believers to say, for heaven’s sakes, for our kids’ sake, for Pete’s sake, whatever, we got to teach these kids it’s not all about them. Let’s use scripture to show them how they can live generously daily, weekly, monthly, through those seven ways that we talked about being generous with your time and your attention and your influence, and you’re sharing your belongings, even if it’s just a pink pencil. I mean, you do something to share.

Or what about your thoughts? And of course, money is a part of that, but so often over the years, I would just hear, “Oh, I don’t have enough.” And it would always indirectly go back to money. And I’m like, “No, not so fast.” The second book I wrote with my son is Everyday Generosity because that’s really what we’re talking about.

I kept getting this feeling like, we need to have stories that connect scripture and bring kids, so we created a theme around animals. It was designed to say, “We’re going to create these stories and scenes that bring real life to these kids to have a parent—super easy, like 101—teaching the generous life.

So our first book at the Generous Kids Book Club, Jasper G and the Me-Thinking Madness, and it’s all about a grandpa and grandson giraffe. In fact, our team later told me they kind of modeled this over to me and my grandpa, from that story. But the story goes on to talk about how poor Jasper G, he thinks he’s the king of the world, but he can’t figure out how he can’t have anybody be his friend. He’s like, “I’m the best. I want this.” and he can’t get anybody to be his friend at this event that they’re at, the fair. And then there’s the moment, and I’ll just read you this one excerpt.

Jasper G was left alone with his grandpa G, while all the other kids ran, threw their eggs, laughed with glee. Jasper said, “They don’t like me. They all stay away.” Grandpa G understood and explained it this way. “Do you think there’s a chance that your heart’s grown small from some endless me-thinking, not sharing at all? There’s a generous way that God gave us to live being generous is choosing to share and to give.”

And so there’s this moment where we’re teaching, do you want to be a me-thinker? Or do you want to be a big-hearted giver? And as the story goes on, Jasper begins to give and share and show he cares, and he becomes the first generosity giraffe. And so we—

Ann: Sounds like the Grinch that stole Christmas.

Brad: There’s a little bit of that rhyme to it. So here’s the 7 Ways of Living Generously: give, share and show you care.

So generous thoughts: use a thought in my mind to think something kind.

Generous words: use what I say to make someone’s day.

Generous money: use my money no matter how much, if there is a life I can touch.

Generous time: use any moment in my day to put generosity on display,

Generous influence: use the choices that I make to affect the actions other people take.

Generous attention: use my eyes to look ears to hear listen well and distractions disappear.

And generous belongings: use what I have to share. I can do this anywhere.

And so as the book finishes out, we have in the back Talk About It. Imagine a grandparent or a parent saying, “Do you want to be a me-thinker? Or do you want to be a big-hearted giver?” And then how about the giving challenge, the me last, you first challenge. Picture that one getting into the car, and then always a scripture to say what supports this, right? God loves a cheerful giver. So every month there’s a new book.

Ann: And this can be a subscription—

Brad: Yeah, it is a subscription.

Ann: —that a parent can get for your kids, or grandparents, what a great gift idea, even at Christmas time to give your kids and your grandkids.

Brad: Yeah, we’re really trying to walk kids through this journey of the 7 Ways and then beyond. You were saying earlier, how do you deal with fear? I think it’s gratitude.

Dave:Oh, for sure. I think it’s a gift God gives us that we can choose to be grateful or ungrateful and often we’re ungrateful because we’re seeing what somebody else has, even our neighbor, car, possessions, whatever. I wish, I wish instead of going look at what, like you said, be grateful for what I do have, not what I don’t have.

Ann: I went through it the other night. I was in bed. I was worrying about something which is fear and as a result, I started going through that list. And then I felt prompted, probably by the Holy Spirit. I got out my phone, it was beside my bed, and I went to the notepad and I typed in all the things and all the ways God had provided, all the good things God had given, all the ways that God had shown his faithfulness, all the fear, the worry, the anxiety was gone when I saw God’s provision, God’s timing, God’s faithfulness.

And it’s little blessings like, look at this house. We’re sleeping in this bed together. Little things that He gives us every day that we don’t always acknowledge because we’re so caught up in our fear and anxiety of what could be instead of what He’s already done.

Brad: Amen. I mean, hey, and now you get to be part of the challenge for this gratitude challenge, right? Because you’re saying, “Hey, Miss Generosity over here is passing out twenties and fifties like candy,” and now you get to be grateful that she’s actually got that to give—

Dave:Right.

Brad: —because you did plan.

Dave: That’s gratitude.

Brad: And I think gratitude in a construction kind of term is the footing that the Generous Life foundation lives on.

Dave:So what do you do as a parent with a kid that’s refusing or they’re stubborn about gratitude? Because so often they’re like, “I don’t have nice things. My buddies at school do, but I don’t.” When you as a parent are like, “Yes, you do,” but they just don’t be able to see it. How do you sort of help them?

Brad:I’m so glad you asked me about this. I mean, I can’t help but think of my daughter Gracie is remarkable, but I didn’t realize this. I had two older boys and so then Gracie comes along. I didn’t realize teenage girls have drama. I just didn’t know this. And so she’s yacking away with me one day and she’s not in a good mood and I’m taking her to school before she got her license.

And finally I’m like, “Oh my word Gracie, this is amazing!” She’s like, “What?” I said, “Before I drop you off, you get to tell me three things you’re grateful for.” You could just imagine the puffing and huffing. But by the time she eked three of them out, we got to the curb, and it just changes you. “Oh, chummy, you’re crazy; have a good day,” closes the door.

Gratitude. You got to just start with it. And maybe it’s not three things. You can also look at this, what happens when we’re not grateful? I think that’s what’s so interesting that I’ve never heard somebody say more grateful. We say ungrateful. Have you ever had anybody go, “Got to quit today. Just too grateful. Can’t do it anymore. It’s over the top.”

I’ve tried to find ways to be grateful.

I also look at things in my life where they’ve been taken away. So I’m not trying to be like Pastor dad punitive here, but if you’ve got kids that aren’t grateful, take something away. Have you ever taken for granted the ability to text? We all do it a lot. I’ve never said, “I’m grateful to text,” until three weeks ago when my thumb and carpal tunnel or something all jammed up. I couldn’t even do it.

Then I was trying to do the work around with this, then this one started to hurt. I’m getting it all worked out now, but I would look over at my wife type with the greatest of ease in text, and I’m like, “Do you know what you’re doing right now?” She’s like, “What?” I’m like, “That looks so amazing. You’re texting. I can’t hit three before it cramps.” Now it’s better and I can text. I’m a grateful texter. I don’t know if that’s the best analogy, but it’s just where I’m living right now.

So if you take something away, then it comes back in, that’s probably a reminder. But then I’m like, “Man, Lord, what can I be thankful for today that you don’t need to take it away? I just want to be aware of it. I want to slow down. I’m grateful for this, grateful for that, and I want what I have.” That’s one of the things that we think teaching kids, “Envy, ooh, so bad,” right? Compare a sin. You’re the pastor. Isn’t that a good one though?

Ann: That’s a good one.

Brad: Yeah. That’s a good one.

Ann: Tell us as a family, if we have not been doing this, if this hasn’t been part of our family or even our lifestyle, how should we start?

Brad: Be encouraged. Don’t make this a performance thing. Pray about it. Say, “Lord, would you have us as a family move towards living a more generous life,” which includes money, but it’s so much more than that. Don’t be offended or make it like, “Oh, we got to do all these things and then we’re done.” I want to encourage families to say, “This is the life that’s truly life,” and so we have resources at ILikeGiving.com. We have the GenerousKidsBookClub.com, and the Lord brought us this video guy who could take the books and bring them into a video animation.

Dave:As parents, we’re not very careful often of what we are allowing or even putting in front of our little kids or teenagers or middle schoolers. One of the things that blew me away throughout your book is there’s all this science, all these studies. I’m thinking as a parent, we’re like, “My teenagers anxious. They’re nervous. They have anxiety like I’ve never seen. I don’t know what to do to help them.” And you look all through your book and you’re like, all the science says get them outward focused; get them I love giving with words, with actions, with money, with you name it, with belongings, whatever it is, get their eyes off of themselves. It’s literally going to transform their family, right?

Brad: I believe it.

Ann: And you’ve collected stories over the years. So people are sending in stories to you; share one of your favorite ones. You’ve shared a few, but I’m sure you’ve got several.

Brad: One of the stories that comes to mind for me, because I care so much about the parent-child, grandparent-child interaction. Effectively what happened was this lady was going to this coffee shop, and she saw this guy—his moped’s out on the street—and she saw him inside. He was really holding the book really close, and he was still really, she could tell he was struggling. She just went over to him and said, “Hey, are you having trouble reading?” He’s like, “Yeah, my glasses got broken.” So then she had this idea, “I could take him to LensCrafters® and help him get glasses.” So the gift of time, the gift of money.

Well, she brings her couple little young boys along. So here’s this complete stranger, and they’re there getting him glasses. Now what’s happening is the doctor is going, “You don’t know him?” “Well, I just see him at the coffee shop.” Then the kids are looking up, right—no pun intended—watching this whole story. I just think that’s a picture. Now, if somebody could say, “Oh, but glasses cost hundreds of dollars,” don’t lose the point. The point is that your kids are looking for the ways that you talk to other people, the way that you give your attention to other people, the way you think about other people. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

We had this one little girl send us a note, and her mom actually was honest enough to share it with us. She just basically said, “Well, whatever you’re planning to do with this Generous Kid’s Book Club is working. Because my daughter told me that I was not acting like Polly the Parrot and being generous with words. In fact, she overheard me on the phone and “Mom, you’re not being generous with your words.”

And by the way, that is our strategy. So we want this into the home. We wanted to create a creative way and yeah.

Dave: That’s awesome.

Ann: And it’s everywhere around us; opportunities for us to be generous. It’s opening our eyes.

I was in the hospital last weekend with my daughter-in-law and their three-week-old baby, our granddaughter. She had a really high fever and so we’re in there. Our son is home with the other two kids. There is someone next to us in this critical care unit and this baby never stopped crying. I kept saying to my daughter-in-law, like, “I’ve got to get over there. I’ve got to pray for them.” I’ve got this poor family, this poor little boy and so I was praying like, “Lord, if there’s any opportunity that I could minister to them in any way, just open that door.” Because it’d be super weird if I walked in there and just, “Hey guys.”

I walked out to get a drink and the mom, I saw the mom come out sobbing, sat in a chair, put her face in her hands and just sobbing uncontrollably. And so I went over to her, I put my hand on her back, and I just started praying, “God, we need your help. This little blessed boy is just crying and there’s so much going on and we need you, God, to intervene.” As I’m praying, her shaking and her crying gets a little less and she’s starting to sniffle. And then she’s just at the end. I didn’t pray real long, but at the end she’s just like, “Oh, thank you. Thank you. I just needed that so much.” Then I walked away.

But it’s all around us. We don’t have to have money in our pockets. God’s already given us so much. If we just open our eyes and our ears and allow Him to use us, compassion speaks volumes in those moments.

Shelby: God is the ultimate generous giver. He really is. And when we are givers, we are mirroring the Lord himself. And again, it doesn’t have to be with just our money. It can be time, effort, a listening ear, whatever. When we give, we become more Christ-like.

I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Brad Formsma on FamilyLife Today. Brad has written a book called I Like Giving: The Transforming Power of a Generous Life. You can get your copy right now by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com or clicking on the link in the show notes. Or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, that number is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word “TODAY.”

Now, let’s talk truth. Marriage, it takes work obviously. Just to ask your parents or ask your pastor or any couple great marriages don’t just happen. And at FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaway, you and your spouse really get the time to intentionally grow with one another.

Right now, all Weekend to Remember gift cards are 50 percent off through December 2nd. That’s Monday. So if you want to pause and reconnect with your spouse, focus on your marriage, this is a great way to do it. Or if you know a couple who could use some time away, this is the perfect gift. Just head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the Black Friday sale because Monday is the last day our deals will be available. Again, head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the Black Friday sale.

Well, today’s Friday, and in reality, it’s actually my last day as the voice of FamilyLife Today. God is calling me elsewhere. I’m really excited to see what He has planned for my future, but it has been an enormous privilege to be able to be a small part of this great, great program that has inspired and helped countless numbers of people in their marriages and parenting. I truly count it and honor to be a part of this show the way that I have. Thank you so much for all your generosity and kindness to me over the last couple of years. I look forward to seeing what the Lord will do with FamilyLife Today in the future.

Coming up next week, the Wilsons are going to be joined by Katie Davis Majors as she talks about trading our fears and anxieties for God’s unshakeable peace. That’s coming up next week. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, for the last time, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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