Finding Balance When Giving Gifts: Dave & Ann Wilson

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FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Finding Balance When Giving Gifts

Guests:Dave and Ann Wilson

From the series:Finding Balance When Giving Gifts (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:December 11, 2024

Ann: There’s something about sitting together as a family. There’s something about hearing the Scripture from Matthew: “You are the light of the world”; and Jesus is the light of the world. I think to put that tradition in is super important—not just on Christmas, but on every Sunday—but Christmas is even more important; because it makes us stop and reflect on the gift, that God came into the world for us, to save us.

Dave: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann: And I’m Ann Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave: Okay; Christmas is like two weeks away.

Ann: I am—

Dave: You’re smiling, just hearing the words.

Ann: I am pumped out of my mind, yes; because it’s my favorite time of year. Easter, spiritually, is my favorite holiday; but Christmas is my second, but first in terms of enjoyment; because I love to give gifts!

Dave: We’ll talk about that in a minute.

Ann: Okay.

Dave: But I just want to say, tomorrow, we are talking about when it’s hard for us—this day—this holiday season can be really a difficult struggle for many people. So they’re not feeling what you’re feeling.

Ann: Right.

Dave:They’re like: “Christmas is dark,” “It feels—

Ann: —”painful.”

Dave: “I’ve lost somebody; it’s hard.”

So we’re going to talk about giving gifts today on Christmas; so it’ll be somewhat fun and somewhat healing for, hopefully, me. But tomorrow, we want to help you if you’re walking through a hard thing.

Now, why are you laughing?

Ann: Let’s just take everyone into our family room—it’s Christmas morning—and there are presents around the tree. Our kids—

Dave: No, no, no; the presents are not around the tree.

Ann: No, they totally are.

Dave: They’re around the entire house!

Ann: No, they’re not.

Dave: They start at the tree; but then, they go out to the family room; they’re falling into the kitchen.

Ann: This is not even remotely true, and there are less presents than there have ever been. But I have to just—

Dave: We’re supposed to be truthful on this show.

Ann: I am.

Dave: That is not the truth.

Ann: I have to share this though.

Dave: What?

Ann: When we’re opening presents, I am like pumped, so excited.

Dave: I just want to say, for those of you that don’t understand this, she is off-her-rocker. Christmas: she starts singing Christmas songs the day after Halloween. It’s just like—

Ann: No, I don’t.

Dave: I mean, you love this holiday; because you love giving gifts. And so I’m not kidding—when you say you’re excited—it’s the whole month: “Christmas is coming”; and you’re on Amazon. And here’s the thing: there’s stuff showing up on our front porch every day, and we have a budget. I thought we had a budget.

Ann: Wait, this isn’t a conflict between us.

Dave: Okay.

Ann: Let me get back: so we’re praying, “Jesus, thank You for Your birth.”

Dave: We always pray as we start the day—we read the story—read Luke 2.

Ann: And then, the gifts start being opened. I am like, “Oh, this is so fun.” And the kids: “Oh, thanks Mom and Dad,” “Oh, I always wanted that.” And then, there’s some grumpy person, sitting on the couch, who is adding up each gift—

Dave: Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.

Ann: —worst mood ever. I’m saying to the children—I think this—“Don’t look at your dad; don’t look at his face right now”; because this is a hard time of year for you.

Dave:Yeah; it’s like I have to—

Ann: Why do I think it’s funny?

Dave: I have to go work extra jobs just to pay for Christmas.

Ann: And so do I.

Dave:It’s never going to pay out of our salaries, so we got to get—

Ann: That is not—

Dave:—more money somehow.

Ann: That is not true.

Dave: And I’m always—I’m not kidding—and maybe, some of you can relate this; maybe, we’re just crazy people. But I’m also, in my head, going through all the other families I know who are spending a fourth of what we’re spending. And they’re great Christian families; I’m like, “They’re not wasting all this money on stuff that’s going to end up in the trash in six months.” So that’s making me even more grumpy.

Ann: We know that you, as a listener, are probably resonating with one of us; because this can be a difficult time because gift-giving can be stressful. Christmas can be stressful. You might be on two different pages. Dave had one gift, growing up, basically for Christmas: one or two gifts under the tree.

Dave: In some ways that was because Mom and Dad went through a divorce, and so single Mom didn’t have money. I was super excited to get that one gift. It usually wasn’t a big gift, but it was a gift. And then, we moved on. That’s my history, and I want to do the same thing: “You each get a stick of gum; enjoy it. You can chew that all week. Man, we’ll give you two sticks of gum; you should be grateful for that.” And you’re like, “Let’s get them a car”; I’m kidding; I’m kidding.

Ann: No, you’re making me sound way worse than I am. We don’t have the money or the means to do something like that.

Dave: And by the way, we don’t go in debt.

Ann: No, we never do.

Dave:Never put it on a credit card. So we figure out a way to make extra money to pay for it. But again, why are we saying all this?

Ann: Well, I think, too; because Christmas can become about the gifts, and we easily can lose the meaning of Christmas.

Dave: And by the way, one last little caveat for our situation is another factor in my depression—is the last two days before Christmas—I have been on a stage at church,—

Ann: Yes, I agree.

Dave: —preaching maybe 15, 18 times; because Christmas is big. And we do multiple—service after service—at multiple campuses. And so part of me is fried, too. I’m just saying that: “Just give me some grace.”

Ann: Kelly Needham had a blog called “Arrows to Jesus: Gift-Giving to the Glory of God.” It’s a blog article; and here’s a quote that she said in this: “For a long time, I struggled with why I should give other people gifts on Jesus’ birthday.”

Dave: Hey, I agree; that’s a good struggle.

Ann: “This is the purpose behind Christmas gifts: a way of celebrating our corporate joy in Someone Else’s victory.”

Let me ask you this: “Do you remember a gift that you got that was really meaningful at Christmas?” or “What was a favorite gift that you got?”

Dave: Yeah, I mean, honestly, eight years old—first Christmas with my single mom—think about that.

Ann: Wow;—

Dave: I never thought about that until just now.

Ann: —your brother was gone; he had just died.

Dave: My brother just passed in October, so this was just a few months later. I never thought about it—I remember this gift—but I didn’t remember—

Ann: —the timing.

Dave: —the circumstances around it. And again, Mom had no money; Dad left and sort of didn’t even give a lot of alimony. I didn’t know the backstory of that, but he wasn’t taking care of her.

We could put a picture of it in the show notes if we want; I got my first electric guitar. She bought me an electric guitar, that hangs in our studio, in our home in Michigan now. A 1964 Hagstrom—for all you guitar people out there—it’s a vintage old guitar. But I mean, that’s where I started playing guitar. Love of music took me to the Beatles movie, A Hard Day’s Night; I mean, all that. And yeah, that’s a gift. I think about it—I’m ripping you for giving extravagant gifts—that was an extravagant gift for a single mom. I’m sure it was several hundred dollars at the time that she didn’t have. But it birthed something in me that’s still impacting the world through music.

Ann: It also filled a hole at that time. You had lost a dad; your siblings were all out of the house; you’d lost your best friend. And I think that music and the Beatles became one of those things that—

Dave: What about you?

Ann: I can remember my favorite gift, all-time gift. Because I’m the youngest of four, I didn’t get anything new, generally, in terms of a bike or anything big. But my dad—I didn’t know that he was going to do this—I wanted a Stingray bicycle.

Dave: I did, too.

Ann: Did you?!

Dave: Oh, yeah; I wanted a Stingray. I did not get it.

Ann: I had this little blue bike—but what he did is he converted it—he put a banana seat on with those big high handlebars; and then, they had those streamers, blue sparkly streamers coming down that thing. I felt like it was the best gift in the whole world—it was a total surprise—and it was a sweet gift. I didn’t care that the bike was used; I just knew that this was exactly what I had wanted. It filled me with incredible joy.

Dave: So the lesson is—

Ann: “It doesn’t have to be new.”

Dave: “Doesn’t have to be big; doesn’t have to be expensive.” I mean, we gave our boys—when they’re young, even going into eight, nine, ten, eleven years old—a box; we give them a box, a packing box. Throw it down in the basement; and they played with that thing for weeks.

Ann: —not as a gift.

Dave: Well, it was sort of a gift.

Ann: It was when the package came in, we’re—

Dave: I’m not saying it was a Christmas gift under the Christmas tree, but it’s like it can be that simple sometimes. And we’re thinking we have to go extravagant.

Well, talk about this: what Kelly said in that quote is that Christmas is about gift-giving to encourage somebody else. That’s why you give gifts.

Ann: And before we talk more about that, let me just stop right here to remind you that, not only is this a time to give gifts, but this is a critical time for our ministry at FamilyLife, just for you to even donate, as we’ve had some friends of the ministry come alongside us at FamilyLife to provide a match program. What does that mean? That means that your gift, of any size, is doubled.

Dave: Do you hear that?—doubled.

Ann: So your $50 gift becomes $100, but it’s only during this time of year. We just hope, if we’ve impacted you, you can impact someone else. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com, or feel free to call 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word, TODAY.

Dave: Okay, let’s go back. I want you to tell them how you view Christmas.

Ann: I don’t even care if I get one gift for Christmas; I like to see the joy it brings someone else. But I will add this—at Christmas time, and because we’re just a few weeks away—I think it’s really easy for our kids to feel entitled, like they’re asking for all these things. A lot of times, they get all of those things. I don’t know if you have felt like this, as a parent, but I have also felt like, “Well, we have just enabled them to become even more self-centered and selfish.”

There’s something about letting your kids give gifts. I remember one year we did that. We gave money—I think a couple hundred dollars—to someone who was a recovering alcoholic; it was their first clean Christmas. I remember putting that, with the kids, in an envelope on a door. They were more excited about that, I think, than the gifts that they would get under the tree; because there’s something about, when you give something to someone that is really something they weren’t expecting—but something that was just out of generosity and somebody that saw their need—those are great gifts, as a family, to even think: “Is there someone that we could help?” “Is there some organization or family that we could help at Christmas time?”

Dave: When our buddy, Rob, lost his job—

Ann: That’s where I came up with the idea.

Dave: —and he was struggling to find a job. Christmas came around; an anonymous person gave him, what?—$1,000?

Ann: —$1,000.

Dave: —1,000. It’s just a gift from God, out of nowhere, to help them get through the holidays. He and Michelle decided: “Every Christmas, we are anonymously going to give somebody $1,000 dollars,” to somebody in need. I’ll never forget the night that he and I put this in an envelope—a buddy of ours was struggling—and we knew it.

Ann: Same thing: lost his job.

Dave: I mean, we snuck over to their house. He was in a condo, I think, and we sort of put it on the front porch, and rang the doorbell, and ran and hid behind these trees on this big hill. We just watched him come out. It was so much joy to watch him walk out; find the money; and look. We’re over there, snickering.

Again, that’s the heart of Christmas—Jesus came and gave the greatest gift of all—God gave us Jesus for salvation, for life, for everything. And in honor of Him—we can get lost in the gift-giving or gift-receiving part—but it’s really a celebration of the greatest gift ever given that we bless others by gifting them.

Ann: And we knew that of somebody, who was really struggling financially. I won’t say who it is, but you do. But we put some money in a grill—the grill that was on their porch—and then, we somehow got them a note.

Dave: So the person that we did that to is listening right now; and they go, “Oh!”

Ann: No; they won’t know.

Dave: They won’t know?

Ann: No. But there’s something fun about doing it anonymously, don’t you think?

Dave: Oh, yes; it’s pretty cool.

Ann: But bring your kids into those kind of things, even if you have little kids to do something for a next door neighbor. It doesn’t even have to be financial; it could be taking them cookies this Christmas. It could be going to an assisted living home and singing, as a family, carols.

Dave: We’ve done that, too.

Ann: Or just giving people in the assisted living gifts like—it could be cookies again—something that was handmade. It’s really fun.

Dave: So talk about this: “How can we keep Christmas from being too materialistic?”—Miss Gift-giver.

Ann: I know it’s super hard. We have always done advent things of reading Scripture all the way through December. I wish I would’ve incorporated this—one of my friends put up the manger/the scene of the stable. They would have the wise men, and they would have the wise men be across the room. On December 1, they’re across the room. Every day they would bring them a little closer to the birth of Jesus. I thought that’s such a good idea. And then, they’d read Scripture. There’s so many different advent things that have Scripture. Bob Lepine has a book out about Christmas. But just to bring it into the family that: “It’s not just about this one day”; but to bring Christ into this, to be praying.

We do this at Thanksgiving—but you could also do it at Christmas—put a jar on the table and put the things that you’re thankful for that you’ve seen God do for this year: answered prayer, things that God has been so sweet in answering or just providing—and then, write those. If your kids can’t write, you write it; put it in the jar. And then, on the last day of December, December 31, pull all of those things out. Have a dinner together, as a family—or if you’re single, with some friends—and then, just read the ways that God has been faithful; and then, pray as a family: “Thank You for Your provision,” “Thank You for how You’ve provided,” “Thank You for Your gifts.”

Dave: What about church?

Ann: What do you think about church, Pastor?

Dave: Well, I thought you would have a unique perspective as a mom. I’m always working, so I’m not there. I didn’t like that; I couldn’t even go to church with you guys. But most people, their husband or wife is not working at the church: “Do you think it’s important?”

I do remember, as a little boy; and then, a teenager, going to Christmas Eve service with my mom. I wasn’t a believer yet. I sort of didn’t want to go; I complained. And yet, some of the most special candlelight, reverent moments I remember of my teenage years is sitting with my mom at midnight mass at Christmas because she said, “We’re going, and you don’t have an option.” They were tender, beautiful moments. I’m sure that God used that later in my life when I came to Christ. I heard the Christmas story—Matthew was read; the Gospel of Luke was read—so seeds were being planted, sitting there.

“Do you think it’s really important for a family, no matter what their kids are saying—they may be saying: ‘I want to go,’ ‘I don’t want to go; let’s just open presents.’ Do you think it’s important that you get there, as a family, if possible?”

Ann: I totally think so; I think you’re right. Our church—if your kids are five and older—they’re in the service the whole time for Christmas Eve. And a lot of times now, Christmas Eve just isn’t on Christmas Eve; it could be a few days before. But there’s something about sitting together, as a family. There’s something about hearing the Scripture from Matthew: “You are the light of the world”; and Jesus is the light of the world. I think to put that tradition in is super important—not just on Christmas, but on every Sunday—but Christmas is even more important, because it makes us stop and reflect on the gift, that God came into the world for us, to save us.

Dave: Were there other ways? Again, I was often out of the home, working. Were there other ways you kept the focus on Jesus during Christmas? Even though gifts, and materialism, and movies—I mean, there’s so many other things going on—“Do you have a way you kept the kids focused on what Christmas is really, really about?”

Ann: When they were little, the easiest way to describe it was: “It’s Jesus’ birthday.” Jesus was born, and so we had birthday cake. They always loved that. I’m like, “It’s Jesus’ birthday, so we’re going to have birthday cake.” So that was fun; that was a good way to represent it.

And then, as I said, we just did some other things—daily kind of things—that we talked about it. I’d put even Scripture in their lunches for school: “This is the time of year that we focus on this.” It should be every year. But just so it wasn’t about the gifts; because it so easily becomes about commercialism, the movies, the gifts and the cookies.

Let’s talk about: “How do we decide how much to spend?”

Dave: I’m getting sweaty just talking about it. My number is usually lower than your number.

Ann: Okay, let’s do this: “Does each child get the same amount spent on them?”

Dave: Well, yeah, in a sense. But if you got a two-year-old and a fifteen-year-old, it’s going to be different. But if they’re in the same age bracket, it may not be exactly the same dollar amount; but it’s very close; yes.

Ann: And I think what we did, too, was when they’re—

Dave: What did we do? I don’t even know; tell me: “What did we do?”

Ann: When they’re little, the most important thing is: “How many gifts they each get?” Because if one person got one, as a five-year-old; and the three-year-old got four, it’s all about the number. So we kept it pretty equal; they don’t know the amount of the gifts. But then, as they got older, it was about—

Dave: I mean, if there are five or six gifts under there, think about it—we watched this—they, literally, don’t even see the gift they just opened—throw it away—I mean, there’s: “Look at what you just got,” “Oh, who cares; I got another three.”

Ann: Sometimes I would do—before Christmas, we’d do a Christmas gift on Christmas Eve—a lot of people do pajamas and a book. We’ve done that, too.

Dave: That was your way of saying, “Oh, I didn’t spend that much on Christmas.” Well, what about the five gifts you gave away Christmas week? Those are still the Christmas budget.” “Oh, no; that’s only what’s under the tree on Christmas morning.” I’m like, “No.”

Ann: So how have we come up with a budget?

Dave: We have mutually agreed a number. Now, they’re adult kids: so each kid—

Ann: —each family.

Dave: —and each grandkid.

Ann: It’s families.

Dave: It’s family for the adult kids; but then, the grandkids. Honestly, we don’t get anything for each other.

Ann: Yeah, I usually get you something.

Dave: I know you end up getting me socks and underwear, but nothing big.

Ann: But we usually—

Dave: We spend the money on the grandkids.

Ann: But we usually do a trip together, and that’s our Christmas in May.

Dave: Yeah, not in December.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: I know; I’m just saying, “This can be a hard conversation, but you got to have it. You don’t want to be surprised. You want to agree and come to a mutual decision on the amount; and then, stick to it; don’t go over it. And don’t be grumpy pants like me. Smile and enjoy the day.”

Ann: So when we’re talking about, as they get older, you’re really spending the same amount of money on each kid. And this one Christmas: oh, it was the year I got the boys swords.

Dave: I mean, these are real swords: steel, whatever it was—platinum—it wasn’t little plastic things, and they’re huge!

Ann: Lord of the Rings swords.

Dave: They’re up to my nose. They’re huge handles; you got to have two hands to pick them up.

Ann: They’re awesome.

Dave: Again, you know those cost money.

Ann: I get the swords; and I realized, “Oh, no; Austin’s sword is the wrong sword.” And now, I can’t remember which character it was from Lord of the Rings. Anyway, I was like, “Oh, he’s going to be so upset.” I told Cody, because his correct sword came in, I’ve said, “Cody,”—they both asked for this, so it wasn’t a surprise they were getting it—I said, “Cody, Austin’s not getting the right sword. And so I just want you to be super tender and careful with him, because he’s going to be so upset.”

Christmas morning comes about, and they can’t wait. They open these swords. I mean, they’re huge! Austin opens his; and Cody’s just watching, like, Oh, he’s going to be so bummed.” And he opens his; he’s like, “Yes, Mom and Dad; this is amazing! Look at this.” He’s holding it up, and he’s showing his brothers. And then, I have this: “Oh, no; it’s Cody’s sword that came in wrong.” Cody opens his, and it’s the wrong one. I mean, he was so mad. I’m like, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I thought it was awesome.” He goes upstairs in his bedroom and doesn’t come down for two hours. It’s Christmas morning—”It’s not about the sword people; it’s about Jesus,”—it was awful.

Dave: It wasn’t about Jesus that day.

Ann: But that happens at Christmas, when kids are disappointed; kids are crying because they didn’t get what they want. One year—I bet most listeners have had this happen—their gift didn’t come in. So then, I just gave them this little envelope with the picture in it. Can I just say: “That never flies. That never flies.” So we know it’s messy; it’s tricky. You might have a plan, and it doesn’t work the way you had wanted it to. So those are the things that make Christmas fun—they still talk about the sword story—and they still have them and love them.

Dave: They do still have them.

Ann: Can I just read Isaiah 44:23? You guys listen to this verse. Christmas is two weeks away; and I hope that you’ll take some time, every day, to reflect on what is really happening at this time of year. I know that I usually read Max Lucado’s book, Cosmic Christmas, every year before Christmas. And actually, we would read certain books at Christmas time for that month when the boys were young. That was really fun, because we have to keep our mind on: “This is what’s happening.”

Isaiah 44:23 says, “Sing, o heavens, for the Lord has done it. Shout, o depths of the earth; break forth into singing o mountains, o forest, and every tree in it; for the Lord has redeemed Jacob and will be glorified in Israel.” The reason I read that verse is because our greatest gift is the gift of Jesus. He has redeemed all of us; He has redeemed us from death by coming to be born of a virgin; and He gives us life if we choose Him.

Dave: Yeah, I would encourage you—I’ve done this many Christmases—read the Christmas story from Matthew or Luke, or both, every day. It’s two weeks until Christmas right now. I’d say, “Take the next 13/14 days; read it—and read it again, and read it again—and ask God to speak through it to you. He’ll illuminate something new and fresh. It just might tenderize your heart.

Ann: And do it with your family. If you have kids in the house—even teenagers—read it every night; it doesn’t take long. And then, ask the kids, “What did you see this time?” It could be that: “Mary, how old was she?—a teenaged girl, being pregnant, leaving her family to have this baby by herself with her new husband, who wasn’t really necessarily totally her husband yet.” There’s just so many conversations that you can have. If we’re intentional—I think that’s really a keyword—“Be intentional with Christmas, and make it about Jesus.”

Dave: And this year, we’re going to spend the least we’ve ever spent on Christmas. That is my vow.

Ann: But are we? Are we? And you’re going to be so excited.

Dave: I’m going to be so happy if we spend very, very little on Christmas.

Ann: But there’s also another way I like to give at Christmas time. I like to give to ministries that impact people.

Dave: And believe it or not, I do, too.

Ann: You do love this part.

Dave: And if we give the least this year in Christmas presents, we’ll have more to give to ministries. We’re sort of kidding, but we’re not. Because if you are like us, you love to bless people who have blessed you. And let me just say: “If FamilyLife has been a blessing to you, we need you. We invite you to join us and be a partner with us.” Year-end is critical for a ministry like FamilyLife. We are listener-supported, which means we do what we do because people, like you, say: “I want to be a blessing to this ministry,” and “I’m not just going to pray for them; I’m going to give to them, financially, as well.” And right now, if you give any amount, it’s going to be doubled.

Ann: We will double it, up to $2.5 million.

Dave: —which is amazing.

Ann: And it will be doubled because we have some generous donors who have sacrificially given to FamilyLife.

Dave:Here’s how you can give: go to FamilyLifeToday.com; you can donate there. Or if you want to give us a call, just call us at 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word, TODAY. And we would appreciate any gift, of any amount; that would be a blessing to us.

And don’t miss tomorrow; we’re going to have Brian and Jen Goins with us. And you know what? We’re going to talk about when Christmas gets hard. Sometimes, Christmas is hard; and how do you find joy in that time of season? So be with us tomorrow.

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