How to Control Your Emotions: From Fired Up to Spirit-Led–Ron & Nan Deal

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FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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How to Control Your Emotions: From Fired Up to Spirit-Led

Guests:Ron and Nan Deal

From the series:How to Control Your Emotions: From Fired Up to Spirit-Led

(Day 1 of 1)

Air date:August 31, 2026

Ron (00:04):

Every person on the planet, when we get into that dysregulated place where fight and flight has kicked in, the ability to do what we know to do sort of slips away in our flesh. As long as my old self is governing, I will constantly just go into blame, shame, control, or escape.

Ann (00:29):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave (00:36):

And I’m Dave Wilson and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Ann (00:49):

I think one of the hardest things about marriage and the Bible is you know what’s right. You know how you should act. You know up here in your head, this is what it says. This is what I know I should do.

Dave (01:05):

And I always do it.

Ann (01:06):

I don’t.

Dave (01:06):

Is that where you’re going?

Ann (01:07):

I don’t do it. That’s why I’m like, how do we do it?

Ron (01:10):

There are witnesses in the room. We know that’s not true.

Nan (01:14):

I read that verse and I go, “That is so amazing. I’m going to do that.”

Ann (01:18):

Yes, me too.

Nan (01:18):

And then I walk out and I go, “No, I’m not going to do that.”

Ann (01:21):

I didn’t do it.

Nan (01:21):

No.

Dave (01:23):

In case you’re wondering, yeah, you recognize these voices. This is Ron and Nan Deal.

Ann:

Back with us.

Dave:

They’re in the studio of FamilyLife Today and we’re so glad to have you guys back because we’re going to talk, you’re going to answer this question. I mean, in some ways, is it what Paul said in Romans 7? I know what I want to do. I struggle to do it.

Ron (01:41):

Yes, and then turns around in Romans 8 and—

Dave (01:43):

Yeah.

Ron (01:43):

—he says, “The life controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” Great. How do I get from the flesh of chapter seven to the spirit life of chapter eight?

Dave (01:51):

I mean, this is the struggle of every single person on the planet.

Nan:

Exactly.

Dave:

There’s no way—if you deny this struggle, you are just lying.

Nan (02:00):

It’s a daily struggle, right?

Dave (02:02):

Yeah, every day. I was going to say, this is a daily struggle.

Nan (02:04):

It’s daily struggle.

Dave:

And it’s frustrating.

Ron (02:07):

It applies to our walk with God and our walk in relationships with other people. I know how I should live and be moved toward holiness. And I also know what I need to do to love my wife well and serve my children and my friends and my coworkers. And I don’t always show up in those ways. And so there’s the gap.

Dave (02:24):

So you’re going to answer this for us today.

Ron (02:26):

Yeah, I am.

Ann (02:26):

Ron Deal’s going to answer the question.

Dave (02:28):

I mean, I remember honestly, decades ago, sitting on a park bench with Ann, with all these people walking around in our hometown and we were in a thing.

Ann (02:38):

A huge fight.

Dave (02:39):

But I just remember literally sitting there thinking, “She just needs me to be tender and listen to her and hear her and see her.” And I remember sitting there thinking, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I know what I need to do, and I literally cannot do it.”

Nan (03:00):

Because your brain just went offline into that flesh.

Ron (03:05):

Well, in our book, The Mindful Marriage, we talk about the pain cycle and that’s a good example of pain cycle. I am in this moment totally discombobulated and I do not even know how to begin to do the right things in this moment. And at the end of the day, that’s what we’re driving at here is how do I put on holiness and my best self in my worst moments?

Dave (03:24):

All right, so?

Ron (03:26):

Mark chapter eight; let’s take a little diversion to get there. Mark chapter eight, there’s a really interesting story where Jesus heals a blind man, but he has to touch him twice. You remember this? He touches him the first time and he says, “What do you see?” And the guy says, “I see people, but they look like trees.” And Jesus touches him a second time. It’s the most bizarre story in Bible. To me, I’m like, “What?” Well, Mark is doing a literary message here. He is employing a technique to teach something without saying it. In this case, in Mark 8, you read before Mark 8 and read after Mark 8. Here’s what happens. In Mark chapter six, Jesus feeds the 5,000. And we really know that’s 5,000 men. There’s probably 15 to 25,000 people. In the beginning of Mark 8, Jesus feeds the 4,000. And the disciples though complain a few minutes after that, that they don’t have anything to eat.

(04:21):

And Jesus says, “Do you have eyes but fail to see?” Oh, wait a minute. Here comes Mark 8, the rest of Mark 8 about a blind man who has eyes, but he fails to see. Keep reading after Mark 8, the story of the blind man. And we have another story of Jesus saying, “Who do people say that I am?” And Peter says, “You’re the Christ. You’re the Son of the living God.” And then what happens? Jesus says, “I’m going to die and go to the cross.” And Peter says, “Oh no, you’re not.” And Jesus says, “Get behind me Satan.” Peter has the right answer, but he doesn’t see clearly who Jesus is. He sees the one he wants to see. He’s got his agenda in the way of seeing Jesus clearly. Mark uses the story of the blind man to comment on what is happening with the disciples who are walking with Jesus face to face and still don’t see Him clearly.

(05:20):

This is every Christian on the planet. We see, but we don’t always see clearly, why? Because sometimes we’re pushing our agenda in the way. Sometimes we want what we want. Sometimes we have the right answers, but we really have no intention of living based on or surrendering to the right answer. We just want what we want. And our flesh gets in the way. There you go. The gap between knowing, seeing, and really seeing clearly and doing is often about me and my flesh. Now, one of the things we’ve discovered, and we lay out in The Mindful Marriage is the neurology of the old self. That’s the Romans 7. I keep on doing the things that I don’t want to do. And it’s when I show up, when my agenda shows up, when my pain drives me to start being reactive in my relationships and in my view of God, that gets in the way of me seeing clearly and acting, being obedient based on God’s Word.

(06:26):

In those moments, you’re sitting on that park bench, a good example, something’s going inside of you that just doesn’t feel right. Don’t feel loved, don’t feel incredibly safe in this moment for whatever reason. And so now my blame, shame, control, escape stuff starts coming out of me rather than what does God ask me to do? How can I be obedient to what a loving person would bring? Or how can I be safe for her in this moment of our relationship?

Dave (06:52):

For me, when I was in that moment, I think, and again, this is decades ago, but I can still remember thinking this. She doesn’t appreciate how I am loving her and giving my life for her. I am loving her. And she’s saying I’m not and she’s not feeling it. And I was mad that she couldn’t appreciate. And my default was I’m going to get up and I’m going to walk away from this park bench and I’m going to escape and probably go play ball or go hang out with my guys or go to work, whatever, where they appreciate me because she doesn’t. And I knew that’s the wrong move, but I couldn’t make the right move of, “Hey, tell me what you’re feeling. Why do you not appreciate what I’m doing? I think I’m doing the right thing.” I couldn’t do it.

Ron (07:40):

Yeah. Dave, I’m just like that. Every person on the planet, when we get into that dysregulated place where fight and flight has kicked in, the ability to do what we know to do sort of slips away in our flesh. As long as my old self is governing, I will constantly just go into blame, shame, control, or escape. The challenge for us as believers is to say, how do I bridge the gap between knowing and doing? Seek Jesus clearly in this moment and begin to say, I got to bring a better me so that I can finally change at least the dynamic with me and that might change the dynamic going on within us. I can’t get from you what I’m feeling will make me feel appreciated, but can I find that sense from somewhere else? And of course that’s vertical.

Nan (08:28):

I’m going to tell on myself—coming here, lots of travel. And in the past, traveling with Ron—

Ron (08:34):

One of my big triggers.

Nan (08:36):

Yeah. It just hit me yesterday how I stayed in my flesh all those years with travel with him. Because he likes to control the narrative—the airports, the rental cars, the flights.

Ron:

At least I try to anyway.

Nan:

He tries. And I’m sitting there yesterday, thankfully walking in the Spirit with him. Some of his behaviors are still the same. The way he gets on a plane, the way he wants me to get on the plane with him, we’re group three, but honey, we better be moving when she says group one.

Ron (09:14):

That’s right.

Nan (09:15):

I’m a rule follower. It says three.

Dave:

This is so funny.

Nan:

I’m not going to move. And I had my moment of clarity yesterday where it was like, this is him. This is his way. And I can move with him and be in peace and community with that and not care about it. Or I could become all those things dysregulated like on the park bench and just have a moment and be resentful. The thing is his behaviors have not changed, but I have changed. And that’s—

Ron (09:49):

Which totally changes the usness that comes out.

Nan (09:51):

And I was shackled to that old self. And I tell you what, I feel freedom. I feel peace. Oh, I feel more communing with the Lord in that than staying stuck in that defensiveness and bitterness.

Ann (10:10):

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(11:09):

Just click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com. That’s FamilyLifeToday.com.

Well, let me have my little confession.

Nan:

All right. Bring it home. The water’s warm.

Dave (11:24):

What’s this going to be? There’s a lot of—

Ann (11:26):

Dave and I, we’ve been speaking together for probably 35 or more years. And I know one of the things that happens, not all the time, but it can happen.

Dave (11:38):

I know what you’re going to say.

Ann (11:40):

Dave gets very short and snappy right before we get up.

Ron (11:46):

That can be me, absolutely. Absolutely.

Ann (11:46):

Really? He’s just short and snappy and “Where’s this? And what are you doing? Let’s go.” And I need to be in a good place spiritually. And he’s in my head, “What are you doing? Where’s that? Did you forget that?”

Nan (12:01):

I need some love and calmness. So pretty.

Ann:

Thanks for doing this with me.

Ron (12:06):

Maybe you ladies need to speak the other half.

Nan (12:08):

That’d be fun.

Ann (12:09):

That would be fun.

Dave (12:11):

Ron and I go crush an audience.

Ann (12:13):

Now I realize this is Dave. He’s processing. He’s going through—it’s not about me. It’s not personal.

Ron (12:20):

Yes. I’m going to add, cause I’m complimenting my wife here, what she now sees is my pain underneath the control.

Nan (12:30):

Yes, I do. I do.

Ron (12:30):

Because the control is all she saw before, but now she sees, “Oh—”

Nan (12:34):

He’s feeling inadequate.

Ron (12:36):

—”he’s feeling inadequate.” I’m wrestling with, “Are we okay?” There’s an anxiety here. And so I want to provide to—oddly enough, that control for me is about restoring safety for her and for me.

(12:48):

Now, I absolutely have to ring this in. And my confession here is as much as I still do that, I do far less of it than I used to.

Ann:

That’s Dave too.

Nan:

That’s so true. That is so true.

Ron:

I still have work to do. But at least I know what this thing is and I know why it is. The why is so important for me. Oh am I inadequate if we don’t get on the plane? Well, first of all, they’re going to let us on the plane. So Ron, just relax. This is where the four steps come in from The Mindful Marriage. What am I feeling? I’m feeling inadequate. If I don’t get on this, something’s wrong with me. What I usually do is I don’t go into control. That’s it. Step two. Step three is what’s the truth? The truth is they’re going to let us on the plane.

(13:26):

It’s really going to be okay. And by the way, I’m getting to step four. Step four is, so what am I going to do different based on relaxing and calming myself? Well, I’m going to let Nan walk on first rather than me walk on. Because then I’m following her rather than pulling her. And I just got to breathe deep, and I got to just say it’s going to be okay. And yeah, man, I still like to get on and get my luggage in the thing. I mean, there’s a whole lot going on in my head while we’re standing in line just to get on the airplane.

Ann (13:55):

Is all that going on in your head before we get up to speak?

Dave (13:58):

Yeah. I mean, the lie that I’m believing in my head, the inadequacy is if we’re not great, I’m not good.

Ron (14:08):

Yes.

Dave (14:09):

They don’t love me. They don’t accept me. They won’t ask us back. We got to be great. We got to be great.

Ann (14:14):

He says that to me all the time. I’m under this performance thing anyway.

Ron:

That’s it. That’s it.

Ann:

And he says to me, “We’ve got to be great.” And I’m like…

Ron (14:21):

So Dave, you and I, here’s the thing for performance people, control people. Performance identity is no identity at all because you’re only as good as your last performance, which means the next time, even though you killed it last time, you got to get up, and you got to do it again the next time. So you’re constantly chasing a sense of self. We’ve talked before about our identity ultimately comes from knowing God loves me and I’m safe in His care. And if I can keep reminding myself of that, now that’s the knowing. I still haven’t gotten to doing yet. I have to say, “Okay, that’s the truth. Can I align myself with the truth?” Guys, here’s the punchline of closing the gap between knowing and doing, seeing Jesus really clearly, is can I align me with Him? Peter said, “You’re the Christ, the Son of the God.”

(15:09):

And yes, that’s absolutely right. Now, can you align yourself? Peter, can you get in line with that truth?

Nan (15:17):

Because I’m about to die.

Ron (15:17):

No, he couldn’t. He’s going to say, “No, God, you’re never going to die. You’re never going to the cross.” He could not align himself. This is discipleship. When I am constantly reminding myself of what’s true and then saying, all right, Lord, I submit to that. Now I’m going to do something based on my submission in alignment with what you’d say. So for somebody who’s living in shame over a trauma in their life or a difficulty in their life or somebody who didn’t love you and now you find yourself really questioning, my dad wasn’t there, my first husband wasn’t there, here I am in this marriage wondering if you’re really going to be there for me. Okay. So instead of being doubtful of you and leaning out away from you in this relationship, I am going to choose to bring all of me into this relationship. How can I do that?

(16:00):

I’m holding onto God tells me I’m safe. God tells me I’m loved. Based on that, I align myself and I give in sacrificial love to you, not living in fear, but out of the overflow of what God has given me. It is only when we start obeying that we actually align ourselves with God’s truth. That’s hard. I think every Christian disciple spends our entire life trying to figure out how to obey, how to obey, how to obey, how to obey. It is a daily effort and walk overcoming my neurological old self, trying to move into my Christ-centered new self. This is difficult.

Dave (16:43):

I mean, in a sense, I think you’re saying it’s where we started with Romans 7. It’s Romans 8:1, “There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.” That’s how Paul answers his own question. It’s already been done. I’m secure. Again, we have to remind ourselves that’s what we know and then we have to do it. We have to live it.

Ron (17:05):

We have to do it.

Nan (17:06):

Live out of that; that Spirit living.

Dave (17:08):

Yeah, because I know we’re talking about going on stage and speaking together. As a preacher, I had to do that every week. And so I got in a rut for years when I first was doing this. Every Sunday has to be a Super Bowl victory, not just good. Great. And so when you walk in as a guest speaker somewhere, you give them your best stuff and people go, “Wow.” And you’re like, “I’ve done this five times. It better be good.” But when you got to do it every week to the same people who you feel like are judging you, I had to get to a place and I did, didn’t I? I got to a place where it’s like, I don’t have to be the best. I have to give my best. God wants me to do this. I call it as an unblemished lamb.

(17:47):

Don’t give him a blemished lamb. Give Him your best.

Dave (17:50):

Give Him the best you got. Do your homework, study the Scripture, teach it and walk up to the stage confident and go, “You know what? It wasn’t as good as I could have done, but you know what? It was the best I got and I’m okay.” And I can get in the car and go, “Thank you, Jesus. I served you today. I am okay.” If they thought it was a three out of 10, I’m okay with that because I did the best I could.

Ron (18:11):

That’s aligning yourself with the truth and taking action based on it. Let me ask you a follow-up question because my bet is the more you did that, the easier it got.

Dave:

Oh yeah.

Ron:

And you want to know why? Here’s the neurology of this. Your brain can rewire.

Nan (18:25):

It can.

Ron (18:25):

It’s called neuroplasticity. And sometimes it’s by renewing your mind. That’s what Romans 12 does, is being transformed by the renewing of—you change your thoughts about yourself. But there’s another part of changing who we are, transforming is obedience. From a physiological standpoint, when you move your body in a certain direction, it begins to change your brain. It’s not just mindful thoughts outside your brain that change it. It’s behavior changes your brain. So the more you obey, the more holiness you put on, the easier holiness becomes. It’s fantastic. It’s amazing. You actually find it easier to walk in the light.

Nan (19:04):

I think that’s what I was experiencing yesterday. And I take it as a gift from God to show me that because I cannot tell you. I cannot tell you enough how many years I stayed in that resentment/bitterness traveling.

(19:15):

I just would get the suitcase out and be mad. And I now go, “What time do we need to walk out the door, babe? That’ll make you feel good and feel comfortable.” I’m serving him because I know that’s a hard space for him to be in. I want to align myself with him, but I’m aligning myself with God. I’m asking people to pray for me still in this space. It’s a hard… Still is, but I felt God saying, “You’re different.” Do you see that? I never thought my brain could change. I never did.

Ann:

And I think that’s true. I agree with that.

Nan:

And it has.

Ron:

You have.

Dave (19:59):

And you’re living in the identity of Christ.

Ann (20:02):

It’s the power of the Holy Spirit.

Nan:

It is.

Ann:

I constantly complained about Dave in my head. It was an ongoing conversation in my head.

Dave (20:11):

I gave you every reason to complain. I really did.

Ann (20:14):

But I couldn’t get out of that rut. But by God’s grace, I seldom in my head complain about him. So people that are listening, God can do that.

Dave (20:26):

Well, I remember—

Nan (20:26):

There is hope.

Ann:

Yeah.

Dave (20:26):

—that sermon thing, preaching, preaching, I got to be the best. I remember having this thought one day of like, “Oh, maybe I am understanding who I am in Christ.” I got done with a sermon. It was like the next day, and I ran into somebody at our church that was at another campus. We had eight campuses and I wrote the message that all the other guys did. And this lady said to me at a grocery store, “Oh, I heard Zarbaugh yesterday”—he’s one of our preachers and he’s really good—”he was so good. His message was so profound. It was so done well, so well.” And in my insecure days, I would’ve gone, “I wrote it. He gave my message.”

Ron (21:06):

You would’ve sought that appreciation.

Dave (21:07):

Yes. Oh, I would’ve gone for it. Because I’m sitting there thinking, and I go, “Man, he is good, isn’t he? ” And I walked away and I said—

Ron (21:14):

Good for you.

Nan:

Good for you.

Dave (21:14):

—”I’m a different guy. I am secure in Christ. I don’t need her to know I wrote it.”

Ron (21:23):

Speaking of a different guy—

Dave (21:25):

That’s what you experienced when you said you travel differently.

Nan (21:26):

Oh, definitely. I feel it.

Ron (21:28):

I feel it too. And baby, I’m so in love with you. Thank you for all you—

Dave (21:35):

You guys need to get a room. What’s going on here?

Ron (21:35):

But I’m constantly having to look at myself going, how am I growing up? What am I doing different? How do I do that? Speaking of being different, we were hitting on Peter a minute ago. You’re the Christ. Then he turns around, argues with Jesus and Jesus says, Get behind me. Did Peter ever figure it out? Well, 30 years later, Peter writes 1 Peter, chapter 1, listen to this. So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. There’s a nutshell. You want to be transformed. You prepare your mind. You constantly be reminding yourself of what is true about me from God’s point of view. What that source? How’s that going to fuel who I am? And then I got to put on self-control. I got to do something different. I got to manage me. Stop waiting for Nan to show up the way I need her to.

(22:22):

Ron, put on self-control and start living differently.

Dave (22:26):

And it starts here.

Ron (22:27):

It starts in your minds. Peter goes on, put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you. See, the vertical source.

Ann (22:33):

Put it on.

Ron (22:35):

When Jesus comes revealed to the world. So you must live as God’s obedient children. There it is. It’s not enough to go walk into church and hear a good sermon and walk out with knowledge. We got to do it. And then he says, don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your old desires. That’s the old self stuff. “You didn’t know any better then,” he says. “But now you must be holy in everything you do just as God who chose you is holy.” The word put on self-control there could be translated, be sober-minded. And it literally means don’t be drunk. Be sober in your thinking. And that’s how you put on self-control. When you’re drunk, you’re out of control. When we’re in our old flesh, our old pain, we’re out of control.

Dave:

We’re controlled by.

Ron:

We’re controlled by. We’re slaves to that old self.

(23:25):

We’re given into that reactivity. But to say, wait a minute, I get to take charge over that part of me and be different is to be sober, is to be self-controlled. That’s when the gap between knowing and doing closes.

Dave (23:40):

It also reminds me of Ephesians 5:18 where Paul says, “Don’t get drunk on wine.” Cause you brought up that thing. Be filled with the spirit. And it’s interesting that be filled is a continual filling. It isn’t “I walked down the aisle one day and I’m all good.” It’s like every day you keep being filled or controlled by the Spirit of God, not controlled by alcohol or your own flesh. So that’s the answer. That’s how you do, not just no.

Ann (24:07):

And I think for me, I mean, I’ve gotten into this habit of every morning I lay in bed. I wake up, my eyes open and my prayer is, “God, I give you my life today. Fill me with your spirit so that you live in and through me. Amen” It’s that yielding and surrender and then obedience to it.

Ron (24:23):

And then doing it.

Nan (24:24):

Definitely, yep.

Ann:

This has been good.

Dave (24:26):

It has been great.

Ron:

Thank you.

Ann (24:27):

Thanks for all your confessions today.

Ron (24:30):

You’re welcome.

Nan:

You too.

Dave:

Again, the book is The Mindful Marriage. We have it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes and let it change your life.

Ann (24:45):

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