Making the Most of Blended Family Holidays: Ron Deal & Gayla Grace

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Making the Most of Blended Family Holidays

Guest:Ron Deal and Gayla Grace

From the series:[Series Title] (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:December 13, 2024

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Gayla: Our first Christmas, so Randy and I married in October and went straight into the holidays. Our first holiday season, it was a disaster, and we had to talk to each other; but then we also had to talk to the kids at times and just say, “Guys, we’re doing the best we can. This is new to us. We don’t really know what we’re doing, but we are trying to make the best of this situation as a newly blended family.”

Ann: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave: And I’m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Well, I mentioned earlier this week on a program about Christmas. That Christmas day for me as a kid growing up was sort of confusing and not exciting. I mean, obviously I couldn’t wait to wake up to get gifts on Christmas morning, but as soon as those gifts were sort of done, I had to get on an airplane—drive down to the airport with my mom. She put me on an airplane. And by the way, there was nobody on this flight back in the sixties.

Ann: I bet.

Dave: There was nobody. I could tell the flight attendants felt really bad for this little ten-year-old boy who’s all by himself going from his mom to his dad’s place. So I had to fly to Miami and have Christmas again with my dad and his wife, my stepmom, and I tell you what, I hated it.

Ann: And interesting too, because I never experienced that. I’ve never even given that thought. But think of how many people are figuring this blended Christmas out. It’s complicated. It’s tricky. And so I’m really glad that we’re having Ron Deal join us at this discussion and Gayla Grace. Ron is the senior director of FamilyLife Blended and host our podcast for blended families. So you’re going to get to hear Ron talk about that. But Gayla, you are on staff with FamilyLife Blended as well. What’s your role with FamilyLife Blended?

Gayla: I’m on staff as a writer and a speaker. I’m host of the Women and Blended Families livestream that is a monthly livestream.

Dave: Yeah, I’ve just wondered, I was thinking as we talk about blended Christmas, is there a blended Christmas song?

Ron: No, but there should be.

Dave: I’m sort of kidding. I mean, I’m honestly thinking of all the Christmas songs and the reality we’re going to talk about today. My reality in the fifties and sixties, well, the late fifties, but sixties was not that common. And now what I experienced for you guys and what you do every day working with blended families, that’s a pretty common experience, isn’t it?

Ron: It is extremely common, and this would also include single parent homes where a child is moving between the two households. So yeah, it is a common childhood experience in our world today.

Dave: So let’s talk. I mean, how do we help blended families in this experience? First of all, talk about what is the experience like for blended? I know it’s all over the map, but what’s a common, similarities between blended families on holidays?

Ron: Gayla, as Dave was talking a minute ago about his childhood experience, my thought went to a common experience we hear from kids, and that is sort of this bittersweet experience. It’s Christmas, you’re getting presents, you’re getting to see family and grandparents and all kinds of special things are happening. And at the same time, there’s this part of you that gets divided as you have to move between one place and another, and perhaps it’s on a day when you don’t want to go and that sort of thing. So there’s bitter and sweet together.

Gayla: And for our own kids, we’ve walked this road. We’ve been a blended family for 29 years with our 5 kids, and so we’ve navigated this and “How do we get the kids where they’re supposed to be, but at the same time have a peaceful Christmas that is meaningful?” There’s just so many complex dynamics to it that make it complicated, that bring stress, that take away from really the meaning of the holiday.

Ron: And Dave and Ann, of course, parents are trying to do the best, and there’s just certain limitations in the choices that they have, certain constraints they have to work within in terms of visitation schedules and that kind of thing. And they want it to be, as Gayla said, a meaningful, fun, enjoyable experience for them, for their kids, for the extended family. Sometimes those agendas just collide with one another and it’s challenging.

Ann: Gayla, I’m interested; what were your feelings leading up to Christmas a lot of times?

Gayla: Well, the first few years it was some anxiety and maybe just concern about, how are the kids going to manage this? In the beginning, my husband and I both brought two kids to our marriage, and we had custody of those kids, and so we are trying to figure out though we both have former spouses, and we’ve got to figure out the schedule with them. And then you naturally have other people in your family that you’re trying to navigate schedules; your parents, just extended family. And it just felt like it was overwhelming for me at times because I think usually the female is the one who’s navigating the schedule and the calendar and—

Dave: Go ahead. Ann’s going to tell you; we’ve had this conversation. Women do everything at Christmas. She canceled her shoulder surgery last December because she’s like, I cannot be in a sling at Christmas.

Ann: But I’m thinking that, Gayla, because we already as women and men, but generally women, have a lot of stress at Christmas. So to add this on top of it, it could probably feel, as you said, overwhelming.

Gayla:It can, and I think one of the things that we discovered was plan early. Try to get those schedules nailed down early. If you are navigating schedules with a former spouse, other home, try to get out in front of it and talk to people as soon as you can. If you wait until you get into the month of December before you start doing this, it’s going to not be a good thing. That is one of the things that we always talk about.

Ron: Yeah, Gayla and I have talked about this subject a number of times on the FamilyLife Blended podcast because we know there’s some angst in it. Even at one point, a few years ago, guys, our holiday podcast came out in September.

Dave: Wow.

Ron: Gayla and I put our heads together and said, “Wait a minute, wait a minute. We got to help families get way out in front of this thing.”

Gayla: We did.

Ron: So we can’t do it in November; we talk about it in September.

Ann: So you’re saying this week is too late?

Ron: No, not exactly. There’s going to be a couple other things that we’ll share that I think will be useful for you. In fact, let me just go ahead and do that. Plan, plan, plan, as Gayla already said, is the one where you’re trying to get out in front. But here’s the corollary that we always add right behind that, and that is, be flexible. And if that doesn’t sound like two totally opposite things.

The truth is you can plan, you can try to get out in front with schedules and talking to different households and families and grandparents and trying to figure out when you’re going to celebrate Christmas. Is it going to be on Christmas day, or a week before, or a week after? It depends, right? But be flexible is, hey, something’s bound to change that you don’t get to control and so you got to adapt, and you got to figure out a way to make the best of it.

When Gayla talked a minute ago about feeling overwhelmed, the other, the cousin to overwhelm is powerless, what do you do if the other household gives you a last-minute call and says, “Guess what? We can’t pick up, drop off. We can’t do that extra day.” Whatever it is that you had arranged in your planning, now you got to adapt, and you got to adjust, and you got to figure out how to make the best of it.

Gayla, one of the things we’ve talked about in the past is the attitude of the parents really matters because you’re the ones who create a climate where it says, “No, we’re making the best of this for the kids.” Or you send them into disarray.

Gayla: Right; I was just thinking about the scripture in Romans. It says, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” That includes our former spouses. That includes other people who we might feel complicate our schedule further. But if we are the ones that carry the mature attitude about it, then it can begin to dissipate some of the drama that might otherwise show up.

Dave: One of the words, Gayla used this earlier, that I thought, “Does this happen during Christmas?” You used the word peaceful. Is it possible? I mean, whether it’s blended or not, I know peace during Christmas is not easy. So now add the complexity of a blended family.

One of the things I experienced, as I told you as a young boy going back and forth, was I had a bit of anger about the day because I didn’t want to go from snow in Ohio to palm trees in Florida. I didn’t want to go from one family to another. And so I carried some of that I think, into my dad’s home, even though I was glad I had a dad and a stepmom, and I got to spend, but I sort of didn’t want to be there. I’m guessing they could pick that up. So I just would love you guys to talk about in a blended family, the peace part. And again, I know Christmas isn’t about peace, although it is, silent night, holy night—

Ann: —the Prince of Peace.

Dave: I mean it should be but is it possible to get there when you’ve got all of the complexities of a blended family trying to navigate the holidays?

Ron: It’s a lot.

Gayla: It is a lot. I think you have to compartmentalize some things and determine what you can control and what you can’t control, and then give those things to God. I mean, we’ve talked about the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So what are things that I can control? I can plan ahead like we’ve talked about, talk to our former spouse, get these schedules lined out. Things I can’t control is if somebody does decide at the last minute to change the schedule, but I can still decide I’m going to keep a positive attitude about it, and we are going to make this work as opposed to just grumbling and all of a sudden criticizing this person or things that just send us into not a good place.

Ron: And let me come around the other side of that. You’re striving for peace, but when it’s not there—we’ve talked about that many times on this program, Dave and Ann, and—you got to acknowledge grief when you see it.

And so for you, Dave, to have somebody look you in the eye and say, “Wow, looks like you’re having a hard time with this transition. We’re glad you’re here, but I can see that it’s hard for you to be here. Tell me a little more about that.” To not be personally offended by the sadness or the angst you see in a child or extended family member’s eyes about the whole blended family thing that’s happening around you. But to step into that world, to acknowledge it, and see it for what it is; give it a hug. Hug that child’s hurt is what we always say. And that sort of says, and that’s not to get rid of it, not to say, “Oh, this is not a big deal, and you need to get over it.” But no, it’s to say, “I see that, and I acknowledge that, and we care about you.”

I think that also says, “And you belong here and we’re glad you’re here.” And maybe that moment sort of helps the child settle in a little bit because they felt seen and cared for. It might not bring peace, but it’s a step in that direction.

Ann: So you’re not telling your kids to fake it.

Ron: Exactly; no.

Ann: And could as a parent, could you say too, “Guys, this can be hard for me too.”

Ron: Yes.

Gayla: Yes.

Ann: Can we say that? Because as a parent, are we trying to fake it too, or is it okay to acknowledge? “I know this is hard. I know it’s hard for me sometimes too.” So it’s okay. You’re just being honest and real.

Gayla:Right; absolutely. Our first Christmas, so Randy and I married in October and went straight into the holidays, our first holiday season. It was a disaster, and we had to talk to each other, but then we also had to talk to the kids at times and just say, “Guys, we’re doing the best we can. This is new to us. We don’t really know what we’re doing, but we are trying to make the best of this situation as a newly blended family.”

Dave:I mean, what did the disaster look like? Do you remember?

Gayla: Conflict between Randy and I, overwhelming feelings on my side, feeling like “This is not what I expected.” I was so excited about a new marriage. My first marriage was a very hard marriage, and I was so excited about turning the corner and having chance at marriage again. I had this white picket fence around my house that was in my head, and that white picket fence, it went down that holiday season.

Ron: It burned to the ground.

Gayla:Because I think my expectations were not in the right place. And that is the other thing we talk about a lot of times is especially in the early years, you really need to consider probably lowering your expectations; that it’s just not going to be as grand as you want it to be, at least in the very beginning.

Dave:Do you sort of lower the expectations for your kids too?

Ann: And how do you do that?

Dave: I noticed when the first time Gayla said expectations, we all went “Hmmn,” so it’s like “Oh, there’s a word.” That’s a big one.

Ron: And I would say you have conversations that sort of help level the expectations and not just between parents, stepparents, and children, but extended family.

So for example, what are holiday traditions going to be like? Most of us, if you said, “What are your holiday traditions?” we can name them pretty quickly. We eat certain foods, we do certain things, we watch certain movies on certain days, and then we play board games, and everybody yells at Uncle Charlie, and that’s the way it rolls.

Well, so extended families coming in these first few years going, yeah, we’re descending on your home and we’re going to do all this stuff, right? Well, could we wait a day because the kids are coming back from their mom or dad’s house on such and such day? We want them to be involved in that old tradition. Well, but that means the tradition has to change on some level. And so helping everybody see a little of realism and what’s going to be ahead of time hopefully helps them adjust. It’s when some change is sprung on them and they didn’t know it was coming, and then they get discombobulated and then you got more people upset.

So the planning ahead of time can include preparing people for what is going to be reality.

Gayla: And especially for us, because we both brought kids into the marriage, then we needed to tell our kids, “Some things are going to look different on Christmas day because we want to make sure that all four of you are together at the same time; that we have some kind of celebration.” That meant it might look different then for my stepchildren than what they’re used to, and those are things about lowering expectations. You just have to have those conversations ahead of time. It doesn’t mean they’re going to like it, but you begin to explain “Things look a little different now as a blended family.”

Ron: So the commentary I would just leave you with Dave and Ann on this is, every change for someone who has been through a bunch of unwanted change already, every new change feels really large. So to say to a child, “Hey, we’re going to do that thing, but we’re not doing it like we normally do. It’s going to be a little different.” to you feels small. “This is not a big deal. We’re just going to do this instead of that.”

Well, to the child who’s experienced a lot of unwanted changes already, this is another straw. And at some point, that camel’s back gets full. It’s good for parents to have that mentality about them for extended family, for grandparents who are coming in and for them to be aware that, “Hey, the kids are a little on edge and here’s why. We’re going to try to keep some things consistent, but we’re having to change some other things.” That just helps everybody go, “Oh, okay; let’s all take a deep breath. We’ll find our way through.”

Here’s the thing that gets lost in this big discussion. The point is “We love each other.” The point is “We’re striving to move toward one another. We’re trying to honor each other. This is a new family, building new traditions, and we have some work to do. You guys can help us out by going along with our adjustments.” That sort of perspective says, “Yeah, what’s most important are the people.”

Gayla: Right, and I think too, we have to remember that kids are not the same place emotionally as adults are, probably.

Ron: That’s good.

Gayla: Because in my marriage, like I said, I was excited about this new marriage, but to my kids, they now have a new stepdad. They now have two step siblings. Maybe they’re not so excited about that. So they’re not at the same place so when we throw stuff at them and we think, “Oh, you should be able to adjust to that,” maybe not because they’ve got all these emotions, other emotions going on.

Ann: You guys, as you’re talking about that, I’m thinking of teenagers who already have really big feelings anyway, so you put those big feelings in this new situation. At times, I mean any teenager, any adult can be explosive, and then that just puts this huge damper and dread on the whole family. Navigate that because it can look different for teenagers. How do we get—

Dave:I mean, it becomes the Clark Griswold blended family Christmas. So yeah, that’s a great question. How do you navigate that?

Ron: Okay, so blood talks to blood. So we’re going to say biological parent is going to take charge of that moment and that child.

Ann: Not the stepparent.

Ron: Not the stepparent. We’ve spent a lot of time talking about this on this program before. It’s really important for stepparents in the early years to connect before they correct. And when it comes time to deal with big emotions and big hormones and teenagers, we want to default back to the biological parent who’s just got more trust with the child. That’s what it comes down to. You have a clear relationship and trust comes with that.

So you’re connecting with your child, not necessarily to punish, but to just go, “Dude, what’s going on? Help me understand this.” And hear the child, listen to them, try to get to the pain, see the pain, talk about the pain. That’s always step one is have compassion for, “Oh, I see you’re here with us. You’re not with your mom and you really want to be with her today because,” and “There’s good reason for that and I’m so sorry that you are not with her. I see that.” Once you’ve done that, then you can sort of turn the corner and say, “I get it. Let me hug you. Now we got to figure life out here, and I really would appreciate it if you would join us by doing whatever’s happening next.”

So you sort of help the child turn the corner, but always first connect to the pain.

Ann: I’m imagining, and I’m so glad you guys talk about this often with stepparents. I’m imagining for the first time a stepparent or especially even a stepdad, watch his stepchild just go to it with his mom, his bio mom. It would be so easy for that stepdad to feel like, “You will not treat your mother like that.” And you’re saying bad idea.

Ron: I do think stepparents can have a place, and I certainly can understand a stepdad in that situation. What I would encourage him to do is check in with his wife first.

Gayla: I do think there are times when he might say to the child, “You are not going to treat my wife that way,” because that sounds a little different than “You will not treat your stepmom that way.” And sometimes that can be taken a little differently.

Ron: Yeah, generally we want the biological parent to try to deal with misbehavior, especially in the early seasons of a blended family.

Gayla: Absolutely.

Ron: It’s not to say the stepparents are powerless to say anything. We don’t believe in that, but it needs to be in close concert with the biological parents so that if there’s a division between how the stepparent and the bio parent would handle things, that’s where things can really get off kilter fast for a family. So we’re just trying to prevent that little error from taking place.

Dave:How do you deal with, you guys are the experts, help us with stepfamilies that aren’t getting along or not agreeing. I watched that with my mom and dad. My mom didn’t want me to go see my dad. She’d rather keep me at her place for Christmas, but that’s the deal they made so I got to go. And then if I say anything to my dad, he’s saying, “Well, you should want to be here.” It wasn’t a good relationship. It was a conflicting relationship, and I was in the middle looking up at Mom and Dad who weren’t getting along.

I’m guessing that happens a lot so how do you counsel those families? I know it’s bigger than “You guys need to get along. You’re the adults.” But they’re not because they’re acting like kids.

Gayla: Yeah. I think some of it comes down to if we can help them recognize that the danger with the child, of the child being caught in the middle, so that if they can take themselves away from “This is how it feels to me and I don’t like it,” but what is it happening with the child? Just like you said, Dave, you’re stuck in the middle and you’re powerless over that. So if we can help communicate to adults, “Think of it from the child’s perspective and what long-term, really this is not serving your child well to be in conflict like this.”

Ron: Yeah, that’s one of the pieces for sure. And the other thing to think about is what’s going on in you that is leading you to want to ruin the child’s relationship with the other parent? Often that is about pain from your marital past and it’s lingering into this parental moment in the present, and it shouldn’t. It needs to be set aside. That’s your own journey toward forgiveness, or whatever that is, but don’t let that invade your ability to encourage your child to have a relationship with their parent in the other home.

And that’s hard. I mean, that’s a lot of internal work. And sometimes—let’s just say this about the holidays—the holidays bring all this stuff up. It’s there 365 days a year, but it really comes to the surface on those special family moments when you’re trying to build memories. You got to sort of stop and say, “Lord, help me get ahold of myself in this moment.”

Gayla:Yes, walk closely with the Lord because really, if you’re trying to do this on your own, you’re going to make poor decisions. You’re going to act out. It’s just natural.

And the other thing I would say though is if you have a bad holiday season, that’s just one holiday season out of however many. Pick yourself up, ask for forgiveness, do whatever you need to and recognize that you get a second chance. You’ll get another holiday season that comes around and you can improve things for that one. We have had some bad holiday seasons, and we’ve had some good ones.

Ron: That’s right.

Dave:And the hope is that they’re going to have a great blended family Christmas. I mean, it sounds like it’s going to not; there’s things you got to navigate but they can have a great one. So here’s my last question, and you didn’t see this one coming.

Ron: Okay.

Dave: If you could give us one; I’ll just say one. I was going to say three, but for sake of time, one do and one don’t. And you’ve already said several, but the first thing that comes to your mind, either one of you or both of you, what’s one do as a blended family? What’s one don’t to have a great blended family Christmas?

Ron: I’ve got a do.

Gayla: Go ahead.

Ron: Alright, so when you were talking, Dave, just for a second there, it came to my mind, enjoy what goes well in your home. Sometimes families and people feel like it’s all or nothing. It’s black or it’s white. So either everything is going well in our blended family home at the holidays, or nothing is going well. And we say, no, no, no, no. That’s not the way it works. Something is going well, or you wouldn’t be together. Enjoy what you do have. Sometimes, and that feels a little odd, it feels like you’re carving up the family a little bit. “Well, this relationship with these two kids is going great, but this one over here is not going so great.” “We’re fine as long as your mother doesn’t show up.”

I mean, all those kinds of things happen and those are realities, right? Well, okay, so enjoy the times that are going well, the relationships that are going well, and don’t let what’s not going well spoil all of that. Yes, you’re still working about it and praying about it, but don’t let it spoil what’s good.

Dave: That’s good.

Ann: Gayla, do you have a don’t?

Ron: That was a do and a don’t.

Ann: Kind of was actually.

Ron: It’s a Christmas miracle.

Gayla: Well, I’m going to start with a don’t. I would say don’t feel like you have to attend everything. Don’t feel like if you have something on every day of your calendar that you can’t get to that day and say, “No, this isn’t good for me. This isn’t good for my soul. There needs to be a change here.” So again, it’s really, that’s tied to the flexibility thing. But be careful that you are not overextending yourself.

And my do is realize that there’s probably going to be grief and joy that are walking alongside each other. It’s okay. On the good days, feel the joy, lean into it and know that yes, you might still be experiencing some grief from whatever the ending of that previous relationship, but it’s okay to experience the joy also. So keep that in perspective.

Ann: I think the hardest thing at Christmas is to keep our eyes on Jesus and the whole reason for this season. And so I would say, for all of us, just to spend some time talking to God about all of it and any of it. I can find I’m the most irritated at Christmas sometimes and I’m grumpy, but man—

Dave: I think I’m more irritated and grumpy.

Ann: But when I carve out that time, and if your kids are little, I know that’s hard, but I’ll just listen to the Word audibly on my phone or on an app, and I think that helps just to be in prayer, “Lord, I’m so nervous about today. I’m really anxious about how the kids are going to get along.” Talk to God all through it, because He really does make a difference for all of us.

And also, I just think that this is why we do what we do. This is why we have FamilyLife Today. This is why we have FamilyLife Blended because we’re trying to point people back to Jesus.

Dave:Yeah, I would just add, we all know how hard it is to do during the holidays. It is what we’re supposed to do, but it’s so hard to do. I can’t believe we get to do this every day. This program, the blended program, helps all of us put our eyes on Jesus. And we’re trying to do that right now for you and your families. I know it’s hard to do, but we’re here every day to help you do that.

And I just want to say, man, if you appreciate that, please become a partner with us and jump in, not only praying for families and blended families, but you can give financially, especially this time of the year. There’s a year-end gift match that every gift you give this month will be matched, so it’ll be doubled up to $2.5 million. And so you can become a partner with us, help people turn their eyes toward Jesus during this time. Join our team. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can make a gift there. We would love for you to be a partner with us,

Ron: And I’ll just chime in and say, FamilyLife Blended lives and breathes on the generous donations of our listeners and people who support the ministry that we’re doing. We like to say that non-traditional families is the new traditional family, and we are unashamedly leading the way in helping the church to understand blended families and to minister better to them. And of course, through our ministries, we’re helping lots of people do stepfamily life well, and so we’re so grateful in anticipation of the gift that you might give.

Gayla: As a blended family myself, I just want to say thank you for your consideration of giving this time of year.

Ann: You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and we so appreciate you, FamilyLifeToday.com.

Coming up next week, we have Ruth Chou Simons with us, and she’s going to be talking about her book When Strivings Cease. Who doesn’t want and need that; that’s coming up next week. We’ll see you then on FamilyLife Today.

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