Overcoming Popular Step-parenting Myths – Ron Deal and Gayla Grace

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Overcoming Popular Stepparenting Myths

Guests:Ron Deal and Gayla Grace

From the series:Overcoming Popular Stepparenting Myths (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:May 12, 2025

Gayla:Yes, you can love them; and you always want to treat them equitably. But there is less tolerance for a child who’s not your biological child; it’s harder to offer grace—you’re quicker to correct behavior—and it just doesn’t come natural. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t be intentional and really recognize that. Especially, if we have bio- and step-kids in the same home, be very careful that we are treating them the same.

Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Ann:So what is a myth or caricature about husbands and wives or dads and moms that have haunted you in some way? Have you felt like that?

Dave:You know; you know what it is.

Ann:No, I don’t.

Dave:I think for me—I’d love to hear yours—mine is: “You’ll be just like your dad. The sins of the father are unstoppable; and whatever generational curses are in your family, you’re going to continue it. It’s going to be really, really hard to stop it.”

Ann:Interesting. Well, today, we’re listening to a portion of that.

Dave:You’re not going to respond to that?!

Ann:Mine is that women have no voice, and women are to be a doormat. How’s that one?

Dave:Wow! That just opened up a whole other podcast. Maybe, we’ll have Ron Deal counsel us on that one.

Ann:I know this is going to help today because we’re going to listen to just a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast. Keep listening, even if you’re not a blended family, because you’re going to learn something that can help a friend or a pastor; or maybe, you.

Dave:Ron Deal is the host of our blended family podcast—you already know that—but some of you might not know that, so you need to know. He is a conference speaker and bestselling author of multiple books. His latest book, The Mindful Marriage, is awesome. And he serves as senior director of our blended family ministry. On Episode 141, Ron and Gayla Grace were talking about the myths of stepfamily.

Ann:Gayla is also on our team, here at FamilyLife. She’s a stepfamily author and speaker, and she also hosts our monthly Women & Blended Families, which is amazing. It’s a livestream that’s broadcast on the FamilyLife Blended social media channels and YouTube.

Dave:So here’s Ron and Gayla.

[FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron:Did you know there’s always a little bit of truth to the myth?

Gayla:I know; it’s hard to think about that, because some of the myths seem so outlandish. But if you really kind of dig in, you can see there is a truth to it.

Ron:There’s always a little truth. It’s the non-truth that gets us into trouble, I think, with myths. So we’re going to be unpacking that today.

But before we do that, did you know that we have the Brother’s Grimm to thank for a lot of the myths that we have about stepfamilies?

Gayla:The Brother’s Grimm.

Ron:You know who I’m talking about?

Gayla:No; have no clue.

Ron:Well, so here’s your history lesson for the day.

Gayla:Oh, history.

Ron:The original version of Cinderella—she did not have a wicked stepmother; she had a wicked mother—same thing’s true with Snow White. All those fairytale stories, where there’s somebody in the narrative who is a horrible evil person, were originally written, not as step-people, but as biological parents or family members. Society wouldn’t accept them—nobody passed them on—nobody; they didn’t take root. There was nothing viral, we would say today, about those stories. And then, the Brother’s Grimm came along; and they rewrote the stories with a wicked stepmother, and the rest is history.

Gayla:Oh, my goodness. No, I did not know that.

Ron:We have them to thank for much of the negativity that people still try to run away from and outlive today. But isn’t that interesting that people would not accept the idea of a horrible mother who would mistreat one daughter over her other daughters? They just didn’t think that would happen very much; they couldn’t hold onto that. But as soon as you say, “Oh, no; it’s a stepmother,”—

Gayla:—a stepmother.

Ron:—then, they could conceive it; they could go, “Oh, yeah; that could happen.”

Gayla:That’s kind of disappointing to me.

Ron:I was going to say, “How do you feel about that?”

Gayla:Not good at all! I’m a stepmom. Really!

Ron:I know it.

Gayla:Wow.

Ron:It’s horrible. But it also says something about the power of literature, and society, and rumor, and what catches on, and what people can imagine being true and not true.

Here we are today, talking about some myths of stepfamilies. And the number-one myth on our list is: “All stepmothers are wicked, and all stepfathers are abusive.” We have the Brothers Grimm, directly, to thank for that.

Gayla:It’s that word, “all.” We do know that it can happen. I mean, if you read the news, you hear stories, particularly, of abusive stepfathers. I’ve seen news accounts of that; so obviously, it does go on some.

Ron:And that is the truth in the midst of this little myth; there is a little bit of truth to it. There’s enough that’s true that you see it in the headlines. But what is not true is what you and I both know; and that is, after working with a lot of blended families through our collective careers, we know stepparents are often hardworking, deeply loving, very sacrificial, want good things for their stepchildren.

Gayla:I think about the Sisterhood of Stepmoms that I worked in for years—and came in contact with so many stepmoms—and they wanted to love their stepchildren. They were trying to learn more about: “How do they play this role?” and “How do they be the best stepmom they can be?” They certainly had no intentions of being evil.

Ron:Exactly. Now, here’s another side to this—because that stereotype is out there—there’s a lot of stepparents who are trying to outlive it or escape it, I should say, from Day One. Here’s the irony: I think, if you have a little paranoia about you—and you don’t want to be called “the evil stepmom,” or “wicked stepmother,” or “the abusive stepfather,”—it’s sort of like you’re trying to outrun that shadow, even when it isn’t cast upon you yet. You start working really, really hard to be super sweet or to be—

Gayla:Right; “super stepmom” is what we call it.

Ron:Okay; alright, so there you go. You’re trying to be this thing so the kids don’t think of you in a negative light. And the irony is: sometimes, you’re working so hard; you’re impatient; your expectations are so high—you want so many good things to happen—that, all of a sudden, your eagerness—

Gayla:—pushes them away.

Ron:—making you a super stepmom—and they’re like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa; back up.”

Gayla:“I’m not ready for that.”

Ron:And so then, all of a sudden, you just became wicked. I mean, if that’s not ironic—

Gayla:—in their eyes.

Ron:—I don’t know what is. Sometimes, trying to outlive something you’re paranoid about can actually be your downfall.

Gayla:Yeah, you’re trying too hard; and the step-kids are not ready for that, and so it just pushes them away. When, instead, we just have to back up. Some of it has to do with our expectations. We need to be careful that we haven’t set them—our expectations—so high that we can never achieve it; and we’re just chasing our tail, trying to make this happen.

Ron:At the end of the day, you’re trying to build trustworthiness with your stepchildren—and them trusting you, as a person, who cares for them, and loves them, and is decent, and kind—that’s the stuff that’s going to win you a good warm fuzzy with the kids.

Gayla:It’s probably going to take you longer than you want in order to build that trustworthiness. We live in this instant society, that we think everything should happen fast—and step-relationships—it doesn’t happen fast.

Ron:So you just walked right into myth number two—I’ll read this one, too—“Stepparents are instantly parents; and the family is, once again, made whole by their presence.”

Gayla:What I think goes along with that is: “Stepfamilies can behave the same way as biological families,”—that basically, they can act the same—and they cannot; they cannot.

Ron:Yeah, they can’t. There is a little truth to it; for some, often with really young children, you can become an instant parent in the life of a child. Those are more the exception than they are the rule, so there’s a little bit of truth to this. Every once in a while you and I’ll have somebody come up to us at an event, or say something: “I came in, and the kids were great. We haven’t had any problems.” I say, “Count your blessings; that’s not most people’s experience.”

Gayla:Yeah; also, it’s more likely to happen in the case of a stepdad and the kids as opposed to stepmom, especially stepmom and stepdaughter.

Ron:I think you’re right; I think you’re right.

Gayla:You can almost predict there’s this loyalty to a biological mom that a daughter’s more likely to have, so that stepmom relationship’s a little more tenuous.

Ron:One of the dangers of coming in and trying to be the parent instantly is that sends, whether you intend it or not, that sends an erase-and-replace message to the stepchildren.

That message sort of breaks down to this: “Hey, look; I’m your new mom—new sheriff in town—and I’m going to act like that and claim all of the rights and responsibilities that go along with that,” and “You’re supposed to love me and receive me as such.” Essentially: “I’ve just erased your biological mother, and I’ve replaced her.” Now, that message—as we’ve talked about before on this podcast—bows children’s acks; it kind of makes them go, “Whoa, whoa; wait a minute. My loyalty is to Mom.” So now, you’re not trustworthy; and you inadvertently, just shot yourself in the foot. That’s what happens. So buying into this myth just sets you up to do things that actually make it a little bit harder for you rather than better.

[Studio]

Dave:So that’s some really good stuff as you’re listening to FamilyLife Today. We’re listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gayla Grace.

Ann:And just last month, both Ron and Gayla contributed to Family Life’s annual livestream called Blended & Blessed. You can get an all-access digital pass to watch that online if you’d like. You should do that, because it’s so good.Dave:And this fall, Ron’s team puts on The Summit on Stepfamily, which equips church leaders to understand and minister to blended families. Be sure to check out, in our show notes, to learn how you can be part of that in-person training event.

Ann:Let’s go back to listen more to Ron and Gayla’s conversation about stepparenting myths.

[FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron:Here’s another myth: “If you call them ‘my children,’ then they will like being your children. They will feel that same—‘Oh, well, you’re my mom,’ or ‘You’re my dad,’—that becomes a two-way street.” I often find this is very much rooted in a loving heart in a stepparent. They are really moving towards a child and have good intentions. The hope is that they’ll receive you the same way you’re trying to receive them; and your family will be this coherent, harmonious family, of course.

Is there any truth to this? Well, yeah, a little bit. At least, they know who you are; and you saying, “You’re my kids,” communicates that strong desire for them. I think children want to know if you want them in your life.

Gayla:Yeah, it’s kind of like a sense of belonging for them.

Ron:Right! So it’s good for you to say, “Look, I’m so glad you are in my life and my family. I love getting to know you. I want to get to know you better. I know we’re figuring this space out, but you guys are important to me.” Say that—even if they look at you: “I don’t want anything to do with you,”—say that, because it’s in their psyche now; it’s in their heart: “This person cares about me, even if I don’t know what to do with them.”

Gayla:Right; and also, what I want to say is: I see this on social media a lot, where somebody is posting—and maybe, putting pictures; and “Oh, I’m so proud of my child,”—blah, blah, blah. Well, if it’s your stepchild, you just have to be careful; because if the biological mom see’s that, then it kind of throws up a spark. We don’t need that in these step-relationships.

I do think that, as a family goes further down the line—for instance, we’ve been married 28 years now—my stepdaughter was just in town this weekend; she came in because my biological daughter is having a baby. We did a baby shower this weekend, and she came from Dallas to be part of it. At some point, a few years ago, I said to her, “You’ve been in our life a long time; you feel like a daughter to me. Can I call you my daughter?” She was great with that; and so sometimes, if we feel like that relationship is developing, then—I still think it’s helpful to ask though—and make sure that they’re not going to be offended.

Ron:There you go.

Gayla:And somebody—we were out in public; and somebody said, “Is this your daughter?”—I didn’t correct them, and say, “This is my stepdaughter.” I think that would’ve been offensive at that point.

Ron:I agree.

Gayla:So it is so not black and white, and I think that’s what we’re trying to say. Every family evolves differently. We want to ask for God’s help as we begin to do some of these different things, feeling like she’s more of a daughter as we go along. But what we’re saying here is: it’s not black and white; every family is different, and families do evolve.

Ron:To the listener/viewer: this is gold. Because there’s a principle embedded in what Gayla’s just shared that applies to other things as well. Let me get at that—the principle is: “The right answer of what you call each other—how you refer to one another, whether in person or talking about them when they’re not in your presence—the right answer is the answer you have co-created.”

Gayla:—”together.”

Ron:Right; “together.” So you had a conversation with your stepdaughter: “Hey, how does this feel to you?”—I want to just point out: this is years into your family journey.

Gayla:Yes.

Ron:You’re going to have this conversation multiple times. On Day One, the conversation: “Well, you call me this, and I’ll call you that; that’s how we’ll start.” As time moves on, and the relationship grows and develops, then you revisit that. You’re co-creating together—again and again—“How we’re going to do life.” That is a principle that applies to so many different moments in your life. When you’re not sure how this child, or this person’s, going to react or respond to this occasion or this moment: “Ask; have a conversation. Bring it up, and use your ignorance.”

By the way, folks—pro tip number one—I do this all the time in my world, my life, my ministry, my marriage: “Hey, I know it’s probably just me. I’m just not a little unsure what to do here. How do you feel about ‘X’?” You’ve just brought it up in a very non-confrontive—

Gayla:—right: non-threatening way.

Ron:And you’ve invited them to join you in this little moment that you both probably feel the same about. Again: “Co-create how we’re going to respond to this situation,”—that makes it the right answer. Not that you push your thoughts or their thoughts—or somebody won out and somebody lost—but no, you co-create; you come together. It’s a mutually respectful posture that goes so far.

Gayla:And it’s our responsibility, as adults, to do that. We can’t expect—yes, probably, the child is feeling the same confusion—but we can’t expect them to be the ones asking the questions.

Ron:Good point.

Gayla: We need to be the ones to do it.

Ron:Okay, I got another myth. I think we’re up to number six:—

Gayla:Okay.

Ron:—”You will love your stepchildren the same way you love your biological children.”

Gayla:This is such a hard one; because especially, as Christians, we think we should—we should be able to love our stepchild the same—but you really don’t. I think: “Yes, you can love them; and you always want to treat them equitably. But there is less tolerance for a child who’s not your biological child—it’s harder to offer grace—you’re quicker to correct behavior, and it just doesn’t come natural. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t be intentional and really recognize that. Especially, if we have bio- and step- kids in the same home, be very careful that we are treating them the same.

Ron:Yeah, this is a tough one. I find people get defensive and argumentative, sometimes, with us about that:—

Gayla:I know; I know.

Ron:—“But I do love them all the same.” And of course, you do. Again, there’s enough truth to this that there’s an affection in your heart—and you grow—they grow more important to you over time.

Gayla:Exactly.

Ron:You grow more important to them over time; same thing’s happening.

And yet, here’s the thing that I’ve often witnessed: if a family comes apart—God forbid: by death, by divorce—if a blended family comes apart, what is really natural is for people to pull back into the biological relationships, and those are the ones that they retain; the step-relationships often drift.

Gayla:They go away.

Ron:Because the motivation, the affection, the connection is just not the same.

That’s not to say there’s anything wrong here—that’s the whole point—people feel guilty,—

Gayla:Oh, yes!

Ron:—as if they’re doing something wrong, because they don’t have that natural bond.

Gayla:Well, it goes back to the first myth of: “Now, we’re evil; because we can’t.”

Ron:There you go. And you’re feeling horrible about it. What we’re trying to say is: “Look; no, I don’t think that’s the case.” I mean, you can love nieces and nephews.

Gayla:Yes, you can.

Ron:And you can have a great affection for them. And some people are with their nieces and nephews frequently to the point where you’re almost like one of their parents. But there are some cases, and in my family, we live so far apart, I don’t have that kind of deep, intimate bond ,working-knowledge of life with my nieces and nephews; because we just don’t get to see each other very much.

Now, do I love them?—absolutely!

Have I been parental with them, a time or two?—yes, I think I have stepped into that: “Uncle Ron’s got something to share with you.” But I gauge that; I’m very careful: “Is this really an open door for me?”

There’s a totally different set of questions, because I’m not their parent. The affection is different, and the connection’s different; that’s what we’re saying here.

Gayla:Yeah; and we’re also saying: “In time, you can grow to love a stepchild almost just exactly as you love your biological kids. But in the beginning, if you’re not feeling that, don’t feel guilty about it”

.

Ron:That’s right. In the meantime, you used the word, “equitably”; yes, try to be fair—

Gayla:Oh, absolutely.

Ron:—in how much money you give out.

Gayla:Yes! Because they’re watching.

Ron:That’s right!

Gayla:They’re watching what you’re doing with that biological child; and “Are they getting the same fairness?”

[Studio]

Ann:We’ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gayla Grace. Ron joins us now in the studio. Welcome, Ron.

Ron:Hey guys; oh, it’s good to be with you.

Dave:That stuff about Brothers Grimm—

Ron:Interesting, isn’t it?

Dave:Yeah; I mean, tell us more.

Ron:They popularized folklore tales by collecting them and publishing them, but they influenced how the stories were told. By the way, Cinderella, The Frog Prince, Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, Rumpelstiltskin, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White—those are just some of the stories that they gathered that we still tell and see movies about today.

But in some of those stories, people had a hard time embracing the original version of Snow White. The queen was her mother, her biological mother, who tells the cronies to go out and bring her back and kill her. Nobody could really buy into that. And Cinderella—it was her biological mother and biological sisters who were mean to her—people just couldn’t really embrace it; they didn’t like that story.

The Brothers Grimm changed it to be a stepmother in both of those stories. All of a sudden, people were like, “Oh, yeah; that’s a story we want to repeat; we want to tell. There’s drama there.” Even to this day, people are battling against the idea of being a wicked stepmother or an abusive stepfather; and it’s put a negative spin on that role. It’s important that we say, out loud: “Look, yes, these things exist.” And culturally, there are beliefs that people feel like they have to outrun; sometimes, but if you’re not careful, sometimes that works against you. When you try too hard to outrun it, you inadvertently show yourself to not be trustworthy.

Dave:Are there other myths that you guys didn’t even get time to talk about?

Ron:Oh, yeah; there’s more in that episode that we didn’t get to share here. We want to encourage people to go back and listen to the entire thing if they get a chance.

Ann:Ron, why are things like this so harmful for a family?—and especially, a stepfamily?

Ron:Well, because they move us away from what’s true. Really, our journey as believers is to understand God’s will for us and how the world works—and that’s what Scripture teaches; that’s what it centers us in—listen to

1 Timothy, Chapter 4:7-9: “Do not waste time arguing over godless ideas and old wives tales.” How much time do we—I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people, who say, “I just don’t want to be thought of as a wicked stepmother; I just don’t want to be [someone where] the kids see me as somebody who’s horrible to them,”—we spend a lot of time arguing, if you will, with the idea that we might be something that somebody else penned and coined about us.

Paul goes on; he says, “But instead, train yourself to be godly. Physical training is good,”—he says—”but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits both in this life and the life to come.” That’s a key principle that Nan and I teach in our book, The Mindful Marriage. Because if, as long as we’re living out of fear and pain of the past—and ideas about us, and the lies that have been told about us; or even, lies we’ve been telling ourselves; then we’re stuck; and we’re constantly in a reactive mode—rather than saying: “Wait a minute; what is true?” “What does God say is true about me?” “What do I know to be true about me and who I’m becoming?” And then, I want to train myself to become that person, and more and more, like that person.

I might say to a stepmom: “If you want to outlive the old myth about being a wicked stepmother, the best way to do that is to be somebody who’s trustworthy; to be somebody who is likable; to be somebody who is honest, and sincere, and grace-filled; and on and on it goes. Those are the qualities that will build a relationship and disprove the myth.”

Dave:It’s interesting, Ron, my stepmother was that kind of mother. She was very loving and kind. I couldn’t explain it at the time; but I felt like she loved me, like her bio-son. I never felt any less, so she did a great job of doing exactly what you said.

Ron:And that softened your heart and moved you toward her.

Dave:Ron, tell us what’s coming up. Isn’t there a Summit on Stepfamily?

Ron:That’s right. Our annual in-person training for leaders, lay leaders, pastors—anybody who cares about blended families and wants to know more about how to minister to them—it’s coming up this fall. We would love for people to join us. They can go to FamilyLife.com/Blended to learn all about it.

Ann:Thanks, Ron; it’s always great being with you.

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