Should Your Partner Be Your First Priority? Ron Deal and Gayla Grace

Bob: —a lottery system?

Dennis: —a lottery system. They either drew for it or—

Bob: —"Whose day was it?” Yes, we had the whole thing.

Dennis: Yes, yes. Exactly!

Bob: Right.

Dennis: I got so weary [Laughter] of starting my day in problem-solving with kids. “Oh, she sat in it last week,” and “He sat in it three weeks in a row before that!” All that stuff. I just thought, “When mom gets in the car with me”—

Ron: —is there any debate at that point?

Dennis: —"there is (there was) never a debate, because they knew that, next to Daddy’s heart, was mama. [Laughter] And it’s different in blended families, isn’t it?

Ron: Yes; think about your scenario—it’s a perfect illustration, Dennis: when mom gets in the car, there’s no question. Mom’s in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, “Ah, it’s my turn; but okay, I kind of understand [that] mom rightfully belongs in the front seat.”

Dennis: There is no discussion!

Ron: There’s no discussion; there’s no debate.

But what if the storyline had been: they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you’re a single dad. The kids ride in the front—everybody has their turn—they belong there. And then, you go and marry somebody; and now, it’s her that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that?

Bob: What had been their territory—their turf, their spot—they’ve just been displaced. We may think, “Well, come on! That’s not a big deal,” but that represents something. I mean, we’re using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to step-kids.

Ron: That’s exactly right. I write about this, at length, in two of my books: The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage. Why? Because we have learned this is such a critical, critical dynamic to get right for your blended family to do well.

Bob: Ron, I was just recently at a Weekend to Remember^® marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren’t sure they could make their marriage work—blended situation. She brought kids into the marriage; he didn’t have any kids from any previous relationships.

We were having this conversation. I said to her: “I understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss your kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure that you’re making up for what you brought into your children’s lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband, just because, emotionally, you’re thinking, ‘I’ve put them through so much. I’ve got to sacrifice him for their sake.’”

That’s the impulse a parent feels. Explain why giving into it is the wrong response.

Ron: That’s a very well-worded question, and it’s important to the answer. The impulse is understandable: “Of course, you’re concerned about your children.” As I would say to this woman: “Your mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don’t want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so, that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the backseat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he’s in the trunk.”

That is a marital issue, immediately, for the new spouse. That’s why you can’t put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage followed the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home.

If you’re going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue, all at the same moment. If you’re going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat. You have to say to your children: “I’m’ sorry. You’re going to have to go to the back.” You’re going to have to, then, deal with them being upset and them feeling like, “Oh, you mean you love him more than us?” You’re going to have to deal with that hard moment.

And by the way, how do you deal with that? A lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC; “Now, get in the back.” It’s a combination of: “I get it. This is hard for you, but he’s my husband. Now, he’s going to ride in the front. I’m thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.” [Laughter]

[Studio]

Dave: You’re listening to FamilyLife Today. We’ve been listening to a conversation Ron Deal had with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine about a lot of things, but that’s a critical question: “Who rides in the front seat?” It’s more critical, as you’ve already heard, about how that relates to our family; not really who’s in the front seat of a car, but who is leading and running the family, and how important marriage is before the kids?” That’s an important discussion that we’re going to jump back into.

By the way, this is critical as you already know, as Ron has said, with blended families. One of the best things we have at FamilyLife is our Blended Family Summit, which is training on how to effectively minister to blended families. As a pastor for 30 years, this is one of the critical needs in the church and a critical area that nobody is doing a lot about. We have a summit in Dallas, Texas, October 10 and 11—in Dallas. You’ve got to be there! You can sign up at SummitOnStepfamilies.com. I would say, go there right now, and sign up. You don’t want to miss that. This will train you and equip you to strengthen blended families. We need that, and you need that.

Okay, we’re going back to the conversation. We’re going to jump in with Ron and Gayla Grace, of our FamilyLife Blended^® team, discussing the idea of putting your spouse in the front seat a little more.

[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron: Okay, Gayla, you’ve been in a blended family for 25 years. It’s [a] “yours, mine, and ours” family, so you’re a mom, and you’re a stepmom. Can you relate to this mom-heart/wife-heart division thing inside you?

Gayla: Absolutely, because the reality is you have a longer period of time with your kids than you do with your spouse. So, when you come into this marriage, you naturally have this tendency to, perhaps, lean on the side of your kids. It feels natural to do that. Particularly, if they have been through divorce—divorce or death of the spouse, either one—they have walked a hard road.

Ron: Right.

Gayla: You automatically think, “Well, my spouse can handle this, but my kids can’t. So, I’m going to lean on the side of my kids.”

Ron: I think, for some biological parents, they’ve been protector for their kids for so long [that] they don’t know how not to do that, even in this moment, where it feels like, “Well, I know my husband should be sitting in the front seat with me.” Again, catch the metaphor: literally, in the car front seat, yes; but metaphorically, in life. He’s my partner; he’s with me; we’re together on this thing. [As] husband and wife, we lead. Putting him in that front seat—or her in that front seat—is just hard. You know you should be doing it, but you’re still protecting your kids.

Gayla: Right. I think you said it correctly: “You know you should be doing it, but the actual act of making that happen, and putting your kids through that pain of: “Okay, you’re going to be second to this person I’ve married’,”—even though you know what they’ve already walked through.

Ron: Let’s get inside this a little bit, because I think this is a big sticking point for a lot of blended family couples. If you feel the awkwardness of “putting them [children] in the backseat,” you’re probably aware they are feeling that they’re being put in the backseat. You can project onto them angst and, “Oh, no! Our parent is not standing up for us! We’re all alone in this moment. You’re putting him (or her) in the front seat and not us,” “Here’s another change. Here’s another thing we didn’t ask for.” In your case: “Mom, you just went away, and you abandoned us.”

All of those things are rushing through the heart, mind, and soul of a parent, who cares for their children, of course; and that can be paralyzing.

Gayla: Yes, and our kids know how to push our buttons.

Ron: Oh, they do?

Gayla: Yes! [Laughter]

Ron: Yes, they do; absolutely. [Laughter]

Gayla: They know how to make us react. Those sad faces, they know are going to hit a chord with us.

Ron: Yes, yes.

Bob: Yes.

Gayla: And so, that hits you in a moment, and you think, “Okay,”—I liked the way you said that just a minute ago: “My husband can deal with this, but I’m not sure my kids can, so I’m siding with the kids in this moment.” All of a sudden, your spouse has been relegated to the backseat—or the trunk, sometimes—it feels. [Laughter]

Gayla: Right.

Ron: It’s the backseat the first time that happens to them. If it happens to them repetitively, it’s the trunk.

Gayla: It’s going to feel like it.

Ron: And they know it’s the trunk, and they’re not laughing like we are. They’re not happy about it; because now, they feel what? They feel unimportant,—

Gayla: —second-best.

Ron: —second-best, not valued: “Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! I thought we were a team, so I guess we’re not a team. How is this going to work?” It can feel defeating very quickly.

Gayla: Right! Sometimes, you might have even talk about it ahead of time with your spouse, and then, you just can’t follow through, because those sad faces are looking at you. Then, you’ve got your spouse looking at you, but it’s like I said a minute ago; I start thinking, “But you’re the adult. You can handle this.”

Ron: Yes. I talked with a couple one time, and they were both bio-parents and stepparents. Each of them could say: “I know I do this. I put my kids in front of my spouse sometimes, and it drives me crazy when my spouse does this to me.” They feel both sides of it; and yet, you still sometimes feel stuck.

In the clip—and I have to confess something: I think I made it sound too easy (we usually do when we do this kind of work)—I said, “Look, you’re going to have to give your kids a little TLC, a little empathy: ‘I realize this is hard. This is weird. I’m asking you to sit in the backseat, and he’s going to ride in the front seat.’” I make it sound like that’s a pretty easy transition, and it’s not.

Anytime you change any rule or expectation for your kids; anytime they recognize that you have just given some priority or respect to your spouse in a way that causes some sort of change or sacrifice for their life, the angst comes out. The sadness—whatever that is—"the [sad] face,” as you said, comes out in them. It's just not easy to make them happy in that moment.

Gayla: Well, the other thing you didn’t even mention is that kid might just start throwing a temper tantrum.

Ron: Right.

Gayla: Or all of a sudden, they’re just crying. Even your spouse, at that point, might start thinking, “Oh, my goodness! I don’t need to be creating this much angst with these kids. Never mind! Okay, I’ll sit in the back.”

Ron: “We’re looking for peace here. We’re not looking for conflict. This is not helping us become a family to one another,” right?

Gayla: Exactly.

Ron: It’s easy to just go: “Avoid, avoid, avoid. Don’t make the change.” You really can’t do that.

By the way, let me be quick to say to stepparents: every once in a while, take the backseat voluntarily. Be sacrificial with your time. Be gracious towards the children in some ways that are helpful for them; but at the end of the day, as a team, you have to put each other in the front seat, because it’s not just parenting as a team; it’s being married and feeling that you can trust one another in your marriage.

Gayla: Also, it’s just like other things in marriage: it’s not what we say; it’s what we do. If we are saying to our spouse: “You are really important to me. I’m putting you above the kids,” but then, our behavior says something different, then, that’s not really what we’re saying.

Ron: Yes. And I think here is the key: if you’re chasing everybody’s happiness, all at once, you will always feel like you are losing. So, in this moment, we have to take a deep breath, I think, as parents, and say to our children: “I love you. I get it that this is hard.” And truly, be compassionate for them. Something is changing, and they don’t want it to change; but say to them: “But you have to sit in the backseat.”

To walk that out, as their parent, means they won’t be happy; but you will, at the same time, be creating a new family stability that is good for them. Even though they don’t have the maturity to see it or understand it, it is good for them. So, you have to take the risk of making them unhappy.

Gayla: You know what else you can do, Ron? At that time, you can go to that child, give them a hug and say, “I’m so proud of you. I know that was hard today. I asked something of you that you didn’t want to do, but you did it. I love you. I will always love you. Thank you for your attitude and how you handled that situation.”

Ron: Yes, great idea—wrap some more TLC on the backend—

Gayla: —right!

Ron: —and tune in to what’s going on for them. That’s the win scenario. They’re unhappy in the moment, but later, you’re kind of giving them a little extra love—a little extra hug, if you will—and then, continuing forward to walk that out.

Gayla: Right.

Ron: Let me ask you about one more thing. There was a word used—we talked about the word, “territory.” It’s not the new stepparent’s territory to ride in the front seat. The kids have owned that territory during the single-parent years.

I think, sometimes, people have a reaction to that word, like, “Wait a minute! They’re children. They don’t have any territory. They don’t own anything.” What I meant by that is their emotional space, where they feel safe. The routines of sitting in the front seat, of knowing what’s predictable in life—especially, when you’ve had the rug pulled out from underneath you a few times, as a kid. It’s really important that you maintain stability. Any other change feels like a violation of “my territory.” That’s where we need that extra TLC, and empathy, and compassion. And yet, you have to say, “Yes, but you’ve still got to ride in the backseat.”

Gayla: But I think we’re honoring their feelings with how we handle that whole situation, and acknowledging that they do have hard feelings about this, and we understand it—but we’re still the one in control. We’re still the one making the decisions about what the child needs to do.

[Studio]

Dave: We’ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal. I’ve got Ron sitting here with me. Ron, you and Gayla were just talking about that backseat deal. There can be an angst in a child, being put back there. How do we deal with that?

Ron: Keep in mind: that child has been riding in the front seat with single-parent dad or single-parent mom for some period of time. There’s been a lot of transition; now, there’s another transition that’s coming into their world. Now, they’ve got to sit in the backseat, when they were used to being in the front. It’s just a big metaphor, and it’s really helpful for parents to pause and think about the demotion. That’s the angst you were talking about. Moving to the backseat feels, to kids, a little bit like, “I got demoted.”

I don’t know about you; but when I was a little kid, I couldn’t wait to ride in the front seat. I had two older siblings. One of the parents had to not be there for me to have a chance. It took forever for me to be able to ride in the front seat. When you finally get there, the last thing you want to do is to go to the back.

That’s the heart of this child. They feel like something’s changed again and “I’m being pushed out of the place I want to be.” It’s really helpful when parents can slow down and consider that. It doesn’t mean—as Gayla was just saying there, it does not mean— we let kids run the show, but it does mean that we move them to the back with some generosity, with some compassion, with some understanding.

Dave: Yes, there has to be, as you already said, a conversation. The child has to understand why. I remember I was always in the front seat with my mom; and when I was a teenager, she started dating a man pretty seriously. I remember, one time, going out to dinner. I got in the front, and my mom just looked at me, like, “What are you doing?” I’m like, “Oh!” [Laughter]

I had no idea until that very moment, “Oh, yes! I shouldn’t be in the front. They should be in the front.” I felt that angst. I was thinking, “Who is this dude, walking into my life?” I was older. I was in middle school. I think I was 14 years old, and it felt like a demotion.

Ron: If I’m hearing you right, Dave, there was a part of you that sort of knew: “Oh, yes. That’s right. Somebody else is here. I need to get in the back.”

Dave: Yes.

Ron: And yet, at the same time, you recognized there’s a measure of respect here for this guy; but still, it feels like I’m being demoted. That’s exactly the point that we’re trying to make to help parents understand this.

And by the way, it’s not just parents—as in biological parents, but the stepparent really needs to have a heart for this. When you’re coming in, and you’re saying, “Yes, I belong in the front,” and somebody’s sort of pressing against that idea, it can feel like rejection. It’s not. It’s just a kid who loves to ride in the front seat, so to speak; and as you just mentioned in your example, you’re just used to it. It’s just the way life has been as you’ve had the chance to ride in the front seat with mom. And now, something else has changed.

Dave: Yes, and we never had a conversation. That would have been nice. It could have been me bringing it up, but my mom didn’t either; but a simple conversation—isn’t that right, Ron?

Ron: Yes.

Dave: The parent saying to their son or daughter: “Hey, I know what you’re probably feeling. Let’s talk about it.” Right?

Ron: Yes. And every once in a while, the child will push back a little bit. You can, lovingly, calmly say, “I get it. This is hard. You don’t want to ride in the back. I love you, but you’re going to do it anyway.” That is the magic combination for parents, of all shapes and sizes, with children: love, compassion, calm—you maintain yourself, and set boundaries and walk them out.

Dave: Now, I’m guessing this is some of the kind of stuff you talk about in the Summit on Blended Families. Talk about that a little bit.

Ron: You know it is. We’ve had you and Ann as part of the Summit in the past.

This is a great event. It’s the premier event helping church leaders, lay couples, or anybody who cares about blended families know how they can respond in their church and their community. We’re back in person, again, this year in Dallas. It’s a great event to network; to connect with other people, hear what’s working for different folks, and share what’s working for you. Everybody benefits from one another.

It really is a lot of fun. Those dates, again—October 10 and 11. We’re going to be in Dallas. SummitOnStepfamilies.com is where you can get all the information and register.

Dave: I’d encourage you to sign up right now. Don’t wait; just sign up right now.

And, tomorrow, there’s more to this conversation. Come back and join us tomorrow; you’re going to hear a lot more.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. As Ron was talking about, we care about stepfamilies. We really do. If you want to learn a little bit more about The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, happening from October 10-11 in Dallas, Texas, you can check out SummitOnStepfamilies.com to learn more about this event.

We really believe in reaching blended families here at FamilyLife. If you want to make your mark on reaching blended families—families anywhere, you can make a contribution to ensure FamilyLife’s ongoing support for reaching families with the gospel. Our goal this month is to raise $250,000 in new funds by the end of August. We’d love for you to partner with us in order to see that goal achieved.

Every donation that you make is going to come with a “thank you” gift. That gift is going to be a limited-edition FamilyLife pen, along with a copy of Brant Hansen’s [book], Unoffendable. Brant’s one of our favorites here on FamilyLife Today, and we’d love to send you a copy of his book as a thank you for your donation, to reach more families with the gospel of Jesus Christ. You can head over to FamilyLifeToday.com to make your donation.

Now, coming up tomorrow, Rod Deal is going to join Dave Wilson again to ask this question: “Who comes first in marriage? How do you communicate that well in the process?” Well, Ron Deal and Dave Wilson are going to talk about just that; we hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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