Taming of the Tongue: Dave & Ann Wilson

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FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Yelling at Children

Guests:Dave and Ann Wilson

From the series:Yelling at Children (Day1 of 1)

Air date:January 9, 2025

Ann:I think we’re generally good when our kids do something well, even perform well. We’ll say that to them, but we need to remind them who they are as identity words, who they are in Christ; if they’re in Christ, how Jesus sees them, their character qualities. Those are things that are sticky. We just don’t want them to think, “Hey, you’re great because you did really well at soccer.”

Dave:Welcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann:And I’m Ann Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

So I can remember when all of our boys, so three boys, they were all five and under, going to church one day.

Dave:I was not with you. I was already at church.

Ann:Exactly.

Dave:That’s what pastors do. By the way, this is a Wilson original, so we get to talk right to you guys.

Ann:So anyway, I’ve got a newborn. I’ve got a three-year-old. I’ve got a five-year-old, and we’re trying to get ready for church. It is absolute chaos.

Dave:I’m sort of glad I was at church.

Ann:You should be glad because there’s fighting going on. There’s yelling going on. I’m trying to nurse the baby. The baby’s crying and the two older ones were just fighting so much. I get in the car; I finally get everybody in their seats, car seats. I put my seatbelt on, and I am now yelling. I’m looking at them in the review mirror. Like, “Guys, just stop it.” I’m yelling and as I’m looking at them in the review mirror—

Dave:Rearview.

Ann:Rearview, yeah, what’d I say? Review?

Dave:Review. You’ve said it twice now. You know what? Keep that in. Don’t even edit it out. This is fun. Rearview mirror.

Ann:I’m glad you said that. I didn’t know I said that.

Dave:I thought, is that a new mirror that I don’t know about; review.

Ann:I’m looking at myself in the rearview mirror and I see myself. My face is all red. I’ve got this grimace going on.

Dave:I’ve seen that face.

Ann:I look like the meanest person in the world, and I’m pointing my finger up in the air and I can see that in the mirror, and it just caught me off guard. “Who have I become? I don’t even know that person in the mirror.” And the kids are in the back; they’re probably afraid of me. I remember driving to church of all places thinking, “I need to get myself together. Jesus, I don’t even know who I’ve become. I have become this crazy lunatic. Who would want to be my child or my husband?” And I don’t know if any other parents have faced that.

Dave:I was just going to say every parent has faced that. Some of them are facing it right now. They’re like, “That was me this morning trying to get them to school.”

Ann:But when they’re just constantly fighting or arguing or want their own way or they’re mad at you, it takes you to the edge. And I am telling you, I feel like I lived years in guilt and frustration and shame out of my own reaction. Like, “I’m worse than the children. I have no self-control.” You as a parent, you weren’t like that as much. I don’t think you were much of a yeller, do you?

Dave:I had moments. I think we all do. And really what we want to talk about today is it’s illustrated by that; parenting is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s so funny. Now we’re empty nesters. We have seven grandkids, but nobody’s living with us. And it is sort of funny, but it’s not funny; at our house right now, it’s quiet. I could watch a football game. There’s nobody crawling on my lap. There’s no spills on the carpet. There’s no poop. There’s no little—I mean, it’s just, I can go get popcorn. I can pause the game, and again, I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it’s so quiet. And then we go over to Cody’s house and Jenna, they have—

Ann:Or Austin’s house.

Dave:—three under five. Austin and Kendall have four under nine. And it is a war zone. It’s loud and crazy.

Ann:It’s great.

Dave:It’s awesome, but it is two different worlds. And when you’re in that world, and you may have teenagers or middle schoolers, so it’s not as chaotic as toddlers, but anywhere in that spectrum of being a parent, it’s hard.

Ann:It’s really hard.

Dave:You find yourself yelling, and like you said, you don’t even know why. And some of it’s just the war zone you’re living in, the season of life you’re in. Here’s what we want to talk about today and of all things to talk about when you’re a parent, I just wrote it down this way in my notes. It’s like the words we say shape the kids we love.

Now you know that, and I know that.

Ann:every person just feels this stab of guilt in their hearts. What do you mean? Say that again.

Dave:It’s like the words we say shape the kids we love. It’s like words matter.

Ann:What about, okay, I’m going to add this. Is it just words or can it be tone?

Dave:It can be everything.

Ann:Or looks?

Dave:It can be everything. And we know, we wrote about this in one of our, our parenting book, No Perfect Parents. A perspective that shapes us as Christian parents is from, I’m going to read it. It comes from Psalm 127. It says, “Behold, children are gift of the Lord. The fruit of the loom is a reward.

Ann:The womb.

Dave:Like arrows—

Ann:Wait, start over.

Dave:Did I say it wrong?

Ann:You said, “Fruit of the loom.”

Dave:No, I didn’t. I guess I did. Bruce is laughing in the audio room. Fruit of the loom; I said that? I hope they don’t edit any of this out. You get to see how bad we really are.

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth.

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;”

And again, one of the reasons I read that again right now is that’s our perspective. They are a blessing. They are a reward. They are literally a gift from the hand of God, and yet they’re also really hard.

Ann:Some days you don’t really like them very much.

Dave:And on those days, how we speak to them—

Ann:Yes

Dave:—is critical. And I’ll tell you if there’s anything we’ve learned from being grandparents and being able now, to look back to those years when it was crazy and frustrating and chaotic and now we sort of wish we still had those years. I know you’re in them and you’re like, “No, you don’t want these back.” We sort do. It was hard, but it was a blessing. And if we could redo it again, we’d be very careful about our words. And so parents, we want to encourage you to be very careful about your words because your words matter.

You all know this. I’ll read it just to remind you, but Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” So when you think about the tongue as we are moms and dads and I had a single mom, so maybe you’re a single mom or single dad or a blended family, how we speak to our kids shapes who they are because words stick. You say something negative and critical. And I’m not saying that those times don’t happen where you’ve got to speak truth and hard truth, but those are going to stick. Positive and negative stick.

Ann:I was going to say, every single one of us can think of a time when someone said something negative to us; a teacher, a parent, a coach. That’s what you mean by they’re sticky, and they can shape us because the words can really make us feel bad about ourselves. And so that’s why we’re saying words matter.

Dave:So let’s talk about, we had some rules about words. These were really yours.

Ann:Because I’ve had, and maybe you as a listener have had words that really sting and hurt, or you remember a parent saying something. I’m going to start out with this one. I’m going to ask this question to every listener. What are the words you’re saying to yourself?

Dave:Why? Why does that matter?

Ann:Because usually what we say to ourselves comes out to other people.

Dave:So if we’re being negative with our own self—

Ann:The way we talk to ourselves oftentimes can be the way we talk to other people. So if I’m saying that personally because I said super negative things to myself like, “You’re such a loser. Why do you keep failing? You’re such a failure.” It’s not just like you are failing. It turned directly to me. “You are a failure. You are a terrible parent.” And so if you’re talking like that to yourself, it could be that you’re going to talk like that to your kids.

Dave:You never did.

Ann:I didn’t, but I wish I wouldn’t have been talking like that to myself.

Dave:Well, you didn’t do it to the kids.

Ann:No.

Dave:You were positive. We had rules.

Ann:Because I knew how messed up, I was. Like, “Don’t mess them up too.”

Dave:I mean, we literally talked about this. No sarcasm.

Ann:Yeah, why not sarcasm?

Dave:I mean because it’s funny, but usually it’s demeaning; on your brothers, on siblings, on others. And again—

Ann:Personal sarcasm.

Dave:We weren’t perfect. This happened. I did it. We all did it. But we sort of had a rule because words matter, and they are going to stick so be careful with that.

We had a rule: No cursing. And tell them what one of the boys said when you asked them if they ever heard me curse.

Ann:Oh yeah, I think they were older. I said, “Have you guys ever heard your dad say a swear word?” And they said “No.” Which I knew you before you were Christian and that would not have been said about you.

Dave:I mean, one of the things Jesus transformed was my tongue, which is a beautiful thing. And that doesn’t mean I never ever cursed or thought of. But again, as a dad, knowing words stick and knowing how we model is going to be more important than even what we say. I was very careful. I didn’t have a goal that hey, someday they’re going to say, “Dad never cursed.” But hearing that, it’s like, wow, that was one you can control.

And so we had no sarcasm, no cursing, no slander, no gossip, no judging, no cutting down. We’re never going to say out loud, “I want to divorce you.” No matter how, they’re never going to hear mom and dad say that. So again, we’re just saying that to you to say, “What are your rules about your words? They really matter.”

Ann:We didn’t let our kids call each other names and we didn’t call each other names. Like, “You’re so stupid. You’re dumb.” They weren’t even allowed to say stupid and dumb. And everybody has their own set of rules. So I’d think through, do you have your own set of rules? Because if you’re going to call each other names, I’m going to tell you that they’re going to carry that into their own families, and they’ll call their spouse’s names. You and I never call each other names or offer empty threats like divorce or “I’m leaving you,” or “I’ll never come back.”

And I’m just going to say, teenagers can make some of those big dramatic threats and we can’t control all of it but start young if you can, of just placing these things in your family so that they know, “Oh, we don’t do that.” Because with our kids, if they’re like, “You’re so stupid,” we’d say, “Timeout. Timeout. That’s a Wilson rule. We don’t say that to each other.”

Dave:—use those kinds of words, even though they may be acting really stupid in that moment.

Ann:Sometimes I’m going say the mom needed to take a time out once in a while. Like, “Oh, I was so mad.”

Dave:Well talk about that; talk about yelling. You started by saying you’re yelling in the car. I yelled sometimes. And it isn’t just yelling, it’s tone of voice, it’s harshness. Where does that come from? What would you say to a parent that says, “I yell too much.”

Ann:I mean, one, when your kids are little, I’m just going to say you’re sleep deprived. You have no time for yourself often. And so you’re just naturally frustrated. But I’m going to say I feel like mine was displaced. A lot of times we were struggling, or you weren’t home, and I think a lot of my anger stemmed from if I looked back, it was probably that.

Dave:So it’s my fault.

Ann:No, it was my fault.

Dave:It was our relationship.

Ann:It was my fault for putting all those expectations on you, but a lot of times I took that out on the kids. And so what I wish I would’ve done is when I was right at the brink, and I’m telling you, I’m seeing it even with grandparenting, like, it’s insane sometimes. Or you’ve asked them to do it 20 times and it’s still not happening. You feel like you’re at your wit’s end.

Sometimes you need to separate yourself from the kids, like “You guys, we all need a break from each other.” Put everybody in a different room or just go outside. I wish even with church instead of getting to church on time, I wish I would’ve just relaxed a little bit. It wasn’t the end of the world if we were going to be late. I think to look at where is my anger coming from? Is it just the kids or is it something else?

Dave:Yeah, I mean something we’ve said many times. Often anger is displaced, meaning it’s displaced in this situation from another situation. I think often as parents we are yelling, or tone of voice is very bitter or harsh—

Ann:This was you.

Dave:Yeah, something else is going on in our life that is out of control, or we haven’t resolved. Yeah, this was me and we’re taking it out—

Ann:I was the yeller, but you were a roll your eyes, “What are you”—this is the tone, “What are you doing?”

Dave:Do we have to go back there and say what we’re going to do?

Ann:It makes me feel better because I’m the yeller.

Dave:I can still do it. It was like, yeah, I wasn’t yelling as much, but there was a tone that said, “You’re a loser. I’m smarter than you. I’m better than you. I can’t believe you’re doing this stupid thing.” I didn’t say any of those words because we had rules. Those weren’t words we were going to use. But my posture, my body language, my eyes, my face, everything communicated like I was yelling. It had the same powerful impact.

Ann:Like, “Dad is so disappointed,” or “Mom is so disappointed,” and that can make you feel like you don’t even know if they like you.

Dave:Yeah. And a big part of it for me is I didn’t realize that was coming from other areas of my life that I hadn’t resolved. And so it was like you got to go back and resolve this and then when you walk in the house, you’re a different person. So again, I’m looking at you, like, “Do you know what issues could be in your life that you’re sort of taken out on people you love?”

Ann:How about this: ask your spouse, if you’re married, ask your spouse, “Do you think I’m a yeller?” or “Do you think I’m one of those people that uses my tone and body language to communicate disappointment, and is it not healthy?”

Dave:So here’s what we want to do in the time we have left; we want to give you some ways to leverage your words with your kids. And again, all that we just said is sort of a setup to say there might be some things you need to check into with displaced anger and that kind of stuff. But we’re going to give you five ways to leverage your words. And again, this may be something if you’re listening to it as a podcast or watching on YouTube, hit pause and write these down and then think of application.

For the first one would be say it. In other words, if you want to build life into your kids, significance, identity of, they’re special, they’re valuable, you need to say those words. Speak the life words. Keep the death words to yourself. Speak the life words that build them up. Keep the tear them down words—and again, we’re not saying you don’t ever speak truth. There are moments when a parent has to speak hard things to their kids, that could feel like you’re tearing them down but it’s for the purpose of building them up.

Ann:It’s the verse in Ephesians 4:29.

Dave:Yeah, “Do not let any unwholesome word”—that’s a hard one right there for parents—”come out of your mouth, but only words that build up.”

Ann:Only, only words that build up.

Dave:And sometimes we think that means he can never speak truth that are hard words. That doesn’t mean that; those words may build them up or

Ann:—be helpful.

Dave:It’s how you speak them; it isn’t to tear them down. I remember years ago hearing Roger Staubach, Hall of Fame quarterback—

Ann:One of my favorite stories.

Dave:—and he was speaking at a prison. The guy speaking before him said to the men in the prison, “How many of you men heard your dad say, ‘One day you’ll end up in prison?’” And like 85 to 90 percent of the room, their hands went up. This guy turned to Roger and said, “What do you remember your dad saying to you when you were a young man?” “He said I’d play in the NFL.” And again, it was just a simple story of man, our words stick.

It doesn’t mean if you speak negative, this is, but it does mean man, we have power. So when we talk about say it, words matter, say it, what are we saying? We’re saying, “You’re amazing. You’re gifted. God’s going to use you someday.”

I mean, our oldest son, CJ, is a tech guy. He’s very analytical. I can remember him being in the car with him, saying to him, “God’s going to use that gift someday. Your mind is so intricate, and you see and understand things that the average, God’s going to use that someday.” It’s that kind of thing. It’s like it’s one thing to think it. Say it out loud.

Ann:I remember the first time I heard Chuck Swindoll teach on the passage, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he’s old, he won’t depart from it.” And it’s the first time I heard someone teach on that means that you raise up a child according to their bent. That’s what it means when it says the way he should go, according to the bent. In other words, what is it that you see that God has put in that child? And that’s what you did with CJ. We both saw it.

Dave:Every son was different, at different things but you as a parent are called to be experts. And again, don’t just think it, say it. And if it’s negative, keep it.

Ann:And don’t make stuff up. If your child can’t sing, you’re like, “Oh, you’re amazing.” No, say the things that are specifically true about that child.

Dave:If they can’t sing, they’re going to end up on American Idol auditions and say, “My mom said I’m really good.” And everybody else, “She was lying.” So don’t say that, but here, I’ll add this because we got to fly, the birthday ritual you created in our home, which at first, I’m like, “We’re going to do this again,” is a beautiful thing. Tell them what we do.

Ann:I can’t remember where I’ve heard this. I bet a lot of people already do it, but on their birthdays, we would celebrate that person. We had a special plate. We are going to celebrate them. But the best part of the night was that we would say, “Let’s give whoever this child is a gift of our words and share the things that we’ve seen in them this year or that we appreciate in them this year or the gifts that we’ve seen or are seeing in them and just speak that out.” I thought it was hard, especially when they became teenagers. I’ve seen girls like our grandkids, our kids and grandkids do this now. And boys, it wasn’t always so easy. They’re rolling their eyes, but still we did it.

Dave:Oh, I’m just saying, what I remember is the boys rolled their eyes and then they did it and everybody’s in tears.

Ann:Yes.

Dave:Because when somebody speaks life to you, it touches your heart.

Ann:Especially a sibling.

Dave:Especially a teenage sibling.

Ann:Yeah.

Dave:“I ain’t going to do this stupid thing.” And then they go, “Well, okay, I see this,” and it’s like, wow! You see the power of words. So maybe that’s a birthday ritual for you. Say it.

Second one, write it. So in an email or a text or a letter, write down on paper. And I bet you if you handed it to them on paper, things you see in them, greatness you see in them, character qualities you admire, they’re going to keep that forever.

Ann:I’ve noticed words are easy for me to give, and I know they’re not easy for everybody. Probably not as easy for you. You don’t give your words as lavishly as I do but man, when you write something. Our executive producer Jim Mitchell, every year for Valentine’s Day, he writes a love letter to his wife and his kids.

Dave:We still need to do a show—I’m looking at Jim right now—on that. It’s so powerful.

Ann:And they all cry.

Dave:And it’s a great model for dads and moms of how to bless your kids.

Ann:Yeah.

Dave:We got to do that.

Ann:And so some of you, this could be just a great gift to periodically write your kids. You’ve done that and your words, man. You can write what you feel.

Dave:And again, because of time, I don’t know if we need to say much more. Don’t just say it, write it.

Here’s the third one, choose it. Choose it means be specific about what you say and write. In other words, each son, each daughter’s different. Choose carefully the words you say. And I wrote down this in our notes. Start with—if you’re going to write something or maybe a conversation—here’s some ways you could start this and I’m looking right at you. I want you to write this down and think, “Okay.” Sit down with your son or daughter and say, “I remember when” and finish that sentence.

Ann:What do you mean, a favorite memory?

Dave:I remember when you walked in the kitchen after that ball game, and you had thrown three interceptions, and you were so down. I remember you were still believing that you had what it takes. I don’t know. I remember this moment when you spoke into your sister’s life in the family room, call out something great in their life.

Second one, I have noticed; call out something you’ve noticed about them. “I hope you know.” Remind them of something that you hope they still know that you think about them. You got any?

Ann:When school started this past year, one of our grandkids is a kindergartner, and he walked in the, I happened to be over at their house when he walked in from his first day of kindergarten and he ran over to me and this is what he said, “Nani,” that’s what they called me. “Nani, do you know what the teacher said to daddy today?” I said, “No.” And he said, “Daddy told me.” It was like a secret. “Daddy told me what they said.” I said, “What did they say?” He said, “They said that I was like, I could do algebra. I’m so good in math. Daddy told me that that’s what they said.”

And so I just thought that, talk about sticky words. He has mentioned that probably over and over to me so many times because Cody spoke life to him of what somebody else had said about him and that just made his day. I think that’s important.

Dave:Yeah. Again, that’s choosing based on how they’re wired and who they are. Because that dude can do math. It. It’s pretty amazing.

So here’s the last two. Drill it. Drill it means say it often; drill it home. And I think there’s almost this perspective is you don’t want to say too many positive things. It’ll go to their head. It’s like, guess what? We live in a culture. You need to say it over and over because the second they walk out of your house they’re hearing the opposite. People are chopping them, people are cutting them down because they are insecure, and they want to build themselves up by tearing others down. And so when they come in your house, your house should be a safe place, a haven where they feel seen and loved and they need you to remind them, drill it into them. Thank you. I love you.

Ann:I’m sorry.

Dave:Whatever it is, drill it home.

Ann:Let me add this too, because I think we’re generally good when our kids do something well, even perform well. We’ll say that to them, but we need to remind them who they are as identity words, who they are in Christ; if they’re in Christ, how Jesus sees them, their character qualities. Those are things that are sticky. We just don’t want them to think, “Hey, you’re great because you did really well at soccer.” We want them to know like, “Hey, I saw how compassionate you were to your friend who was really hurting. I saw you help that other kid or that older woman. You’re such a hard worker.” So character qualities, I think that’s big.

Dave:And I even wrote down, drill these words into them. “I’m here for you. I believe in you. You have what it takes. You’re amazing. You did it. I’m proud of you. I trust you.” That’s a big one. “I’m listening. I love spending time with you. Keep trying. Don’t quit.” I mean, these are words that should happen probably every day.

Ann:Like, tell me more.

Dave:Yeah, drill it, drill it, drill it.

Ann:And I’m just going to say, because we started out talking about yelling, I can’t even tell you how many times I had to apologize to our kids to say, “I’m really sorry.” That day at church, going to church, I said to the kids on the way to church, because when you see your sin, you know it. So I remember saying, “Boys, I am so sorry. I have been so frustrated. I know that you weren’t listening, but this is on me, my tone of voice, the way I’ve responded. It’s not what God has called me to be like. And I hope that you can forgive me.” Those words, man, they need to reign in the house all the time because you are going to yell, and you are going to do things wrong. And so those are really important words.

Dave:Yeah, and as you said that I thought everything we’ve said today applies to marriage as well.

Ann:Yes.

Dave:I mean, this has really been about parenting with our kids but applies, every single thing. Say it, write it, choose it, drill it home, and then the last one, and we’ll just end with this is, I don’t know if this is the way to say it, but ear it. Ear it. I’m a preacher. I’m trying to preach this, but it just means listen. I mean, it’s all about saying, speaking and writing, but it’s like, listen. Number one complaint of teenagers is my parents don’t listen. You know why they say that? Because we don’t.

Ann:Yeah.

Dave:It’s like really turn off the world. Get rid of this. Not just for your kids, but for you and I as well as parents. Turn off the tv, make it quiet and look them in the eye and say, “How was your day? What’s going on?” Whatever it is. It’s like take the time to stay fascinated with your kids and listen well.

Ann:I love it.

Dave:That’s huge.

Ann:And some of you might be feeling like, please help me. I’m failing at this. I need more help. I’m not sure what to do. You can go to FamilyLife.com/Prayforme.

Dave:Pray for me, and we will pray.

Ann:Yes, and also do this. Grab a friend and pray with them. I did that with a couple friends. We fasted and prayed for half a day for our kids because we really needed help.

Dave:Every week, they did this.

Ann:Yeah, we did. And it really helps.

We are Dave and Ann Wilson, and you’re listening to FamilyLife Today.

Dave:And you know what? You hear us talk all the time about how marriage is of the foundation that affects everything else in our lives. And if there’s anything we agree on, it’s that great marriages don’t just happen. They are hard work, and they are built with intentionality.

So here’s some really great news for your relationship. FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaway has events all over the country this spring. We, in fact, we just spoke in Detroit in November, and they are all over the country this spring. And even better, right now through Monday, January 20th, registrations are 50 percent off.

Ann:So jump in on this chance to intentionally pull closer to each other and to God and get two registrations for the price of one through January 20th at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Dave:Now that’s a deal you don’t want to miss. Now, coming up tomorrow, we’re talking about the teen years. Do they have to be the worst thing on the planet? No. They can actually be awesome. And we’re going to jump into that,

Ann:And we’re going to be doing it with Brian and Jen Goins, our really good friends, and they have some teenagers.

Dave:We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

Ann:FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife®, a Cru® Ministry. Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.

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