Trauma in Marriage: Grieving Differently Without Drifting Apart – Matt & Sarah Hammitt

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Trauma in Marriage: Grieving Differently Without Drifting Apart

Guest:Matt and Sarah Hammitt

From the series:Fighting Emotional Absence in Marriage (Day 3 of 3)

Air date:February 13, 2026

Sarah (00:04):

If you’re going through trauma, I think it’s important to look at how trauma manifests and then learn about it and then watch yourself because you fragment and you detach and you withdraw from each other. And I think had I known that’s what you do when you have trauma, then we wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes we made.

Dave (00:31):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:37):

And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave (00:50):

Got Matt and Sarah back and I’m going to make them sing another song.

Ann (00:53):

Are you?

Dave (00:54):

Oh yeah. He’s got a song that’s just recently come out and it’s a gem.

Ann:

It’s really good.

Dave:

It’s about seizing every moment with your life and your marriage and even your kids. So welcome back Matt and Sarah Hammitt. Let’s talk about going from good intentions to real action.

Talk to the husband or the wife maybe that’s listening or watching and it’s like what Ann’s saying, what you felt, they’ve been feeling it. Maybe it’s recent, but maybe they’ve been feeling it for a while. But that step out of the boat is that first step is that faith filled, scary, I don’t know if this water’s turning solid or not. I know He’s calling me, but this boat is my comfort—the paycheck’s coming in, blah, blah.

Ann (01:39):

Security and identity.

Dave:

That I don’t know.

Matt (01:42):

That’s real. Identity. That is real. That’s right. I do want to answer that question.

Dave (01:47):

Yeah.

Matt (01:47):

I do want to say one quick side note. You’re talking about identity and this does actually, I think, tie into the answer, to what you’re saying about what do we say to those people. I was talking with my friend, Jim Wallace. He’s an apologist, Jay Warner Wallace.

Dave (02:04):

Yeah, we’ve had him all. Oh yeah. They’re amazing. He and Sean McDowell.

Matt (02:06):

I was talking to Jay a couple weeks ago and we were talking for a while and about some things and he said something to me about identity that just rocked my world. It’s a visual that I hesitate to share because it’s like you hope people can get what I got out of it. You know what I mean?

Ann (02:22):

Yeah.

Matt (02:22):

But he was saying whenever we talk about who we are, it’s I am a musician or I am a show host or I am a father. I am a husband. And he was saying, “What’s interesting is I am this or that, but God is just I am.” And he said, “To get to who we are, we have to go through him.” I loved that visual. I was like, “That is so cool.” You could take that in so many ways, but I think that’s like—

Dave:

Somebody should write a song about that.

Matt:

Yeah, I know. But that visual just out of our whole conversation just really stuck with me about how many times we try to pass over who He is to get to who we are or what He wants to try to get to what we want, like to get to who we really are and to get to what we’re really meant to do, we have to go through Him.

(03:14):

That’s the only way we can find our identity. To me, in that moment, and what I would say to anybody out there, any men out there, is if you know that the Lord is speaking to your heart about who He’s called you to be outside of the identity or vocation or the current season that God has called you to now, if He’s calling you to something else and He’s calling you out of it, then man, I would just say, remember where your identity is. Go through Him, go back to who He is, go back to finding your identity in Him. And if you’re finding your identity so much in what you want to be beyond Him or outside of Him, then man, I’d just say just that moment of surrender and trust, we don’t trust Him to carry us. We don’t trust Him, like you said, to allow our steps to go across the water because we think we’ll sink.

(04:06):

But I’ll tell you from my experience, from my testimony would be that as scared as I was to step, as scared as I was to walk, when I kept my eyes on Jesus, who I was in Him and what He was calling me to do, every step became a miracle. And then I could look back at every step and see that not only was a miracle, but it was such a blessing. And I hear my wife say to me today, “Wow, he really is leading us.” Do you know how bad I wanted to hear those words back then? You don’t want your hurt to hear the words like, “Hey, you’re not stepping up.” It’s like, “I want to. I’m trying. But am I trying? I don’t know.” This journey that I talk about, this lead me journey of saying good intention to a man of action, to hear her say those words, even though we don’t have it all right, to hear her say that, it’s like, “Okay, man, thank you, Lord, for giving me the grace to take each step in the right direction.” And so the blessing that’s there for you—that’s what I would say to all the guys at least—is so rich.

Dave (05:02):

I mean, for you, Sarah, because it went from a song, “Oh good, you wrote me a song” to “He’s going to take this step.”

Ann:

He’s living it.

Sarah (05:11):

Yeah. And I would say absolutely. At this point, I don’t identify with that girl who is crying and saying lead me. I don’t feel that same way. Somewhere along the way, it’s shifted. There was no pivotal moment really. It was just time after time of fracture and repair and learning and growing and then here we are.

Ann (05:36):

Sarah, what would you say, and maybe Matt, you too, to the husband or wife that’s listening that’s saying, “I’ve spoken the truth or maybe yelled it and I’m still living in this fractured state, and I don’t see any changes coming and I’ve been praying a long time and waiting.”

Sarah (05:52):

I think just loving Jesus and fearing the Lord over your feelings and just being consistent and just keeping, surrendering, praying and trusting. Because I think ultimately, we survive because we love God the most, not each other. Does that make sense?

Dave (06:11):

Yeah.

Matt:

Yeah.

Sarah (06:12):

And so I think that’s why we’re still together.

Matt (06:16):

I also think of a word like faithfulness. We look at it as a word that is the end game, but faithfulness is actually the hard thing we’re doing right now. It’s like the step that we’re in. It’s like, I think today, what does that word even mean if today I’m not—again, back to action—like if today when things are hard, when things feel horrible, when I feel stuck, when I see no end, that is faithfulness. Walking that out right here, right now, today, God honors that even in those moments like when we can’t see it, it’s like that’s the hard part of living out that word and words like it.

Ann (07:02):

I was thinking as you guys were talking, we’ve talked about this love story of God’s love for us. The Greek word is agape love. It’s what He calls us to do in a marriage, which is unconditional love. And it’s not the feelings kind.

Sarah (07:16):

Yeah, totally.

Ann (07:17):

We can only get that kind of love, as you said, Matt, for identity, it’s through the Father.

Matt:

That’s right.

Ann:

And you guys, what a beautiful picture of that.

Sarah (07:25):

Thanks. Yeah.

Ann (07:26):

It’s not perfect and none of them are.

Sarah:

No, no.

Dave (07:30):

No, I mean, I think, I mean, you keep saying it and it’s your sort of, I don’t know, subtitle, Good Intentions to Action. I mean, I’ve been pastoring 40 years. I think the majority of the church is good intentions. They’re good people.

Sarah (07:44):

Yeah, right.

Dave (07:44):

They have good intentions.

Matt:

Absolutely.

Dave:

Very few act, because that’s a hard thing to do. I’ve done that for years. I told a guy, I don’t know, five, seven, eight years ago, I said, “Here’s Ann’s visual to me recently. You’re running and I’ve got a hold of your belt loop on the back, and my feet are up in the air and I’m just running with you.” And she goes, “I can’t run like this.” And I was telling this guy this story—

Ann (08:07):

—to maintain the relationships, our kids.

Dave (08:10):

And so I’m like Okay, we’re going to slow down. We’re going to start saying no. We’re not going to do this speaking thing, da, da, da. And about three years later, I was telling this guy the story and he goes, “You know it’s been three years since you told me that story?” I go, “What?” He goes, “You told me that three years ago and you haven’t stopped.” In other words, you haven’t done it yet. I think we just got to the point we’re starting—are we? I guess not. We’re still not doing it. I mean, we just are starting to say no, and it’s still crazy, but it’s less.

Ann (08:39):

We can see it coming.

Dave (08:39):

Yeah, maybe that’s it. But again, it’s like good intentions, but man, you got to make the hard call, which you guys have modeled to do.

This is a great conversation, but before we continue, let me say this. We meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that’s what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.

Ann (09:08):

And we’d love for you to join us. So click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a partner today.

This new song is incredibly—you’ve done a bunch more songs actually, but this other one is pretty special too.

Dave (09:28):

Yeah. Give us a backstory on this one.

Matt (09:29):

Days God Gave is my latest single that I put out with Gotee Records. And I just realized probably early this year when my daughter went to Upperroom School of Ministry, even though it was for a temporary amount of time, hopefully. She did tell us that she may or may not move back. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s hard how fast it all went and how fast it’s all going. And that is my prayer. We’ve been talking about presence. This song is a song about presence. It’s a song about what do you want to look back on when you’re old and gray? You want to look back on all those faces in the photographs that are smiling back at you. What do you want them to be saying to you and speaking to you? And for me, I really want those faces to communicate to me that I had lived a life of faithfulness and love and just loved the people that God’s given me so well and that they would hopefully love me back too.

Sarah (10:33):

They do.

Ann (10:36):

It’s so sweet. What did you think of this song, Sarah?

Sarah (10:39):

Oh, I like it.

Ann:

You do?

Sarah:

Yeah, I do. I love it. It’s very optimistic and—

Dave (10:44):

Don’t have anything snarky to say about this one. I’m not going to rewrite this one. You just go.

Matt (10:52):

Oh, that’s so funny. All right, this is Days God Gave.

(10:56):

(singing) Wish I could write myself a song

For my teenage radio

So I’d hear through broken headphones

All the things that I now know

And I start with it gets better

Yeah, this page is gonna turn

Cause right now that’s the one thing

That I wish that I had heard

Now the road won’t be so easy

So roll those windows down

And if you look you’ll see the beauty

Anywhere that you breakdown

Hold on to these moments

They’re flying by so fast

Take the time with the ones you love

Like a chance you can’t get back

Make a million memories

So when you’re old and gray

All the faces in those photographs

Smile back at you and say

You didn’t let the days God gave you get away

(12:08):

Don’t buy the lies you tell yourself

Fight for what is true

And don’t let those little troubles

Steal the biggest parts of you

Take your faith so serious

Yourself not so much

And remember you’re still loved

Even when you mess it up

Hold on to these moments

They’re flying by so fast

Take the time with the ones you love

Like a chance you can’t get back

Make a million memories

So when you’re old and gray

All the faces in those photographs

Smile back at you and say

You didn’t let the days God gave you get away

Hold on to the ones who love ya

Don’t let the bad times own ya

Stare down the fears you gotta face

Take time to stop and listen

For what you might be missing

Let go of the things you just can’t change

Hold on to these moments

They’re flying by so fast

(13:25):

Take the time with the ones you love

Like a chance you can’t get back

Make a million memories

So when you’re old and gray

All the faces in those photographs

Smile back at you and say

You didn’t let the days God gave you get away.

Ann (13:51):

Let me ask you this. So you guys, Matt, you’re on the road, things are stressful in terms of coming, going. Sarah, you’re raising your kids, but we haven’t even talked about your son who had a heart condition, which I’m just going to say this. As a mom, there would be no greater stress on me than a child who’s struggling with their health.

Sarah (14:15):

Yeah.

Ann (14:15):

Give us a little snapshot of his life.

Sarah (14:18):

Yeah. So we were talking about Lead Me and how it went number one and it kind of took him to the pinnacle of his career, but actually as it was number one, we got the news and we were sitting bedside in the hospital with our third child who was dying with heart disease.

Ann (14:37):

He was dying.

Sarah (14:38):

He did not die, but he was dying.

Ann:

He was dying.

Sarah:

He was critically ill. He had open heart surgery. He was on ECMO. He was not doing well.

Dave (14:45):

How old was he?

Sarah (14:46):

When he was born—so when I was pregnant with our third child at the six-month ultrasound, we found out that he had hypoplastic left heart. So he only had half his heart. And so they told us that if he made it to birth, he would likely not live past five. And so in the midst of this Lead Me journey, we had all of that as well.

Ann:

Did you say it had hit number one?

Matt (15:12):

Yeah. So basically Lead Me hit number one for three months on the Christian music charts. And during that time—

Sarah (15:19):

The entire time.

Matt (15:21):

During that time, we were in the hospital with Bowen, and it did look as though we were going to lose him at times.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Matt:

We just didn’t know if he was going to even survive. So it was really wild just being at the pinnacle of our career at that moment and with being at one of the lowest places for us as parents just grieving, not knowing whether or not Bowen was going to survive. There was so many really close calls with him.

Sarah (15:49):

So he was in the hospital for three months when he was born, and then we brought him home and Matt had hit the road because we needed to pay the medical bills and we needed income. And so it was like he couldn’t stay home. And I’m placing an NG tube and have a child who’s got a fresh open wound on his chest and up through the nights.

Ann:

How old were your other kids?

Sarah:

Two and four.

Dave (16:12):

You know, Matt, I thought you were an amazing guy, but I think she’s a saint.

Matt:

She is a saint.

Dave:

I mean, wow.

Sarah (16:17):

It was crazy. But it was like we both had to do our jobs because I needed him to work and he needed me to take care of Bowen. So it was interesting. We didn’t really understand grief before that because we really did have a pretty, as far as grief, easy life to that point. We hadn’t had any tragedy. And so once that happened, we realized that as a couple, you grieve differently. And when you have a chronically ill child, 85% will divorce.

Ann (16:47):

How did it affect you guys?

Sarah (16:48):

The way I processed and the way I fought was I was present 6:00 AM to midnight in the hospital with Bowen. Then I would go to the Ronald McDonald house and sleep and that was it. And that’s all I could think about while he was critical. That’s all I could think about was getting him well, understanding what was wrong with him and being an advocate for him. And Matthew was grieving differently.

Matt (17:15):

Well, no, I just felt like I didn’t know where I fit in. She asked every question. She was right at the bedside. Anytime a nurse would come or doctor would come, she’d just boom right in with all the questions, right in with all the stuff. And I just felt like so many times, I just didn’t even know how to fit in there. And so I would sit with her a lot of those hours, but the way that I felt most useful was I basically started keeping our family and friends up to date on what was going on and asking them to pray for us and giving them daily updates. And so I, at the time had just started a little page that was really meant for our family and friends. And then we ended up having like a million people come to that page.

Dave:

Really?

Matt (17:55):

Yeah, to read about what was happening and pray for us. It was really amazing. But what ended up happening is for me, it’s like I found purpose there.

(18:04):

What was interesting is the ways that we coped with it differently did really make it difficult on our marriage because she was so tied to Bowen’s bedside every second that she resented me in the times that I would ask her to even like, “Hey, can we get lunch? Can we go for a walk? Can we just get our heads together as parents?” I needed a wife too to walk through it with. I wanted to be together, but she’s like, “How can you ask me to leave his bedside?” And then for her, it was like, how can you leave his bedside and go away?

Sarah (18:36):

And how can you not understand all these medications and when they’re to be given? And why can’t you wrap your head around all the details with me? And so we kind of, I mean, we grew contemptuous really. I mean, we grew apart.

Matt (18:50):

It was like we were grieving differently. Well, I’m thinking of our listeners who have maybe a child with special needs or a chronic illness, give them some tips like regrets. I’m hearing those are regrets.

Sarah (19:02):

Yeah, regret. Yeah.

Ann (19:02):

Now, what did you do right or how would you do it different then?

Sarah (19:05):

I should have had more empathy on his way of processing. I felt hurt and I should have just been more understanding that he needed me. I should have pulled away and gone to lunch with him and trusted that the Lord was going to, and had my mom sit bedside or you know what I mean? That’s fair. I mean, he’s my husband and I care about him and his relationship and his feelings. But in that moment, it’s like I couldn’t see anything else but Bowen because it was so acute. We’ve done better as he’s gotten older. I can definitely balance all the relationships, and he isn’t the center of everything.

Ann (19:40):

Which is good news for the listener. He lived and he’s 15.

Sarah (19:43):

Yep. And he’s still technically very critical, but currently he’s wonderful. So living a very normal life at home by himself right now with his siblings. So we even left him.

Ann:

And didn’t you say he’s artistic because he’s-

Matt (19:56):

He is, yeah. Yeah. He’s a very musical kid. He loves to write music. He’s got logic on his computer and records music and always having song ideas that he’s producing these ideas and, “Dad, can I check this out? I want to make an album.”

Ann:

So cool.

Matt:

He’s so cool. Yeah.

Sarah (20:15):

If you’re going through trauma, I think it’s important to look at how trauma manifests and then learn about it and then watch yourself because you fragment and you detach and you withdraw from each other. And I think had I known that’s what you do when you have trauma, then we wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes we made, if that makes sense.

Matt (20:36):

Yeah. We would have looked for ways, I think, to be more, to even not just be more gracious, but more to think more graciously of each other.

Ann (20:45):

Give each other grace.

Matt (20:46):

Yeah. Even just internally, those conversations we have with ourselves when we’re upset with our spouse, the lies we tell ourselves, the stories we create, maybe we would tell ourselves more gracious stories about each other.

Dave (20:59):

And you wonder, there’s marriages that the husband feels—well, it could go either way, but I think the husband can feel detached when there isn’t trauma, just that my wife is more connected to my kids than me. You know what I’m saying? It’s like she really doesn’t want to pull away from them. “Leave me alone. I want to be a mom. They need me.”

Sarah (21:22):

Yeah. Yeah.

Dave (21:23):

We’ve been there.

Ann:

Oh, totally.

Dave:

And you can do it as grandparents.

Sarah (21:26):

Yeah, that’s true.

Dave (21:30):

How do I know? How do I know that? Same thing can happen. You feel like I’m not priority in your life anymore. The kids or the grandkids are. And that’s a tension.

Ann (21:35):

Well, I can remember when my very best friend, my sister was dying. She was diagnosed and died within five months. Dave’s guys in his group came to me and said, “Hey, Dave needs you.” because I was with my sister part of the time and she had four kids and—

Dave (21:52):

Different state.

Ann (21:53):

I was so resentful of his friends and Dave like, here’s what I thought, “Get your stuff together because my sister’s dying and I’m going to be with her right now.” And I felt like he was whiny. Why? Stop whining.

Dave (22:11):

And guess what? She was right.

Ann (22:12):

No, I think we were both right. I think it’s both.

Sarah:

It’s both.

Dave (22:16):

Oh, she was right in that one. I mean, I said something to my guys one night. I was like, “Man, Ann’s gone a lot.” I didn’t know they’d go running to her. “Hey, Dave is really struggling.” I’m like, “I didn’t say I was struggling. I just said it’s been hard.”

Matt (22:25):

They broke the code, man.

Dave:

I know.

Ann:

Honestly, I wasn’t giving one thought to how Dave was doing because I was wrecked and my sister was wrecked and I’m like, “But I’m married and he’s struggling too and I need to give some time and attention to Dave.”

Sarah (22:40):

Yeah. Yeah.

Dave (22:41):

But on the other side, it’s like give your wife, give your spouse grace. They need to be where they need to be right now and you’re going to make it.

Sarah:

Yeah.

Ann (22:48):

And those are the most beautiful love stories when we walk through the valley and the mountaintops together.

Dave (22:57):

Look at you bringing it all the way back to the beginning.

Ann (22:58):

I’m just thinking of Sarah in her overalls dancing in the sun with no shoes. Think of all the things you’ve gone through since that night. And that’s true love.

Sarah (23:11):

Yeah. Yeah.

Dave (23:12):

Way to go. By the way, you can get Lead Me at FamilyLifeToday.com and go to the show notes, click on the link—still out there, still available, and you’ve got the song to go with the book.

Ann (23:23):

Yeah. Where do they download the song? Anywhere?

Matt:

Anywhere you’re listening to music.

Ann:

Yep.

(23:28):

Guys, this has been really fun.

Matt:

Yeah, it’s been fun. Thanks for having us on.

Sarah:

Thanks for having us.

Ann:

Thanks for your honesty.

Dave (23:33):

You’re coming to Orlando touring or something you’re welcome to come in here and—

Matt:

Awesome.

Sarah:

Awesome.

Dave:

—do anything.

Matt:

Appreciate it, man.

Dave:

All right, Ann, I’ve got a question for you. What’s more romantic? Roses and a candlelight dinner or a real intentional conversation that’s meant to draw us closer?

Ann (23:53):

Hands down, it’s that intentional conversation for sure.

Dave (23:56):

Yep, that’s intimacy to you. And here’s why we’re asking this. What if the questions you’re too embarrassed to ask are the ones your marriage actually needs answered?

Ann (24:06):

Marriage After Dark is FamilyLife’s newest podcast, where a real married couple actually answers all the questions couples secretly Google. And if you want a stronger connection, deeper intimacy, and a healthier marriage this Valentine’s Day, this is your space.

Dave (24:24):

Right now it’s only available to a select FamilyLife audience. So for more, go to FamilyLife.com/MarriageAfterDark.

Ann (24:33):

Because the conversation your marriage needs shouldn’t stay in the dark.

Dave (24:37):

Again, that’s FamilyLife.com/MarriageAfterDark.

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