Your Marriage Isn’t a Side Hustle: Resetting Family Priorities – Bryan and Stephanie Carter

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Your Marriage Isn’t a Side Hustle: Resetting Family Priorities

Guests:Bryan and Stephanie Carter

From the series:Made to Last (Day 3 of 3)

Air date:March 25, 2026

Dave (00:04):

So classic moment in parenting world for us was when our oldest son, CJ, was three years old. Was he three?

Ann (00:10):

Yeah, he was three.

Dave (00:11):

And I’m giving him a bath. He looks at me—and he’s a real analytical; you could tell that already; and today, he’s an engineer/IT with Sharper Image—but he’s three years old, and he is always thinking. He’s just staring at my face. I’ll never forget this; he goes, “Hey, Dad! How old were you when your head started sucking your hair back in?” That’s what he says; that’s how—I can tell he is analyzing—“What’s happening to my dad’s hair?”

Ann (00:43):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave (00:49):

And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Ann (01:02):

I asked all the boys one time—as they got a little bit older—I said, “Tell me what you guys think about the most.” That son said, “Oh, easy. I’m constantly thinking about: ‘How does that work?’ ‘How does that work?’” That’s, totally, who he is; it always has been.

Dave (01:18):

It always has been. There’s a part of being a parent, where you can try and change that; or you can celebrate that.

The reason we’re bringing that up is we have Bryan and Stephanie Carter back in the studio, one more time, to—

Bryan (01:32):

—one more time

Dave (01:32):

—talk about their book, Made to Last; which is, 8 Principles to Build Long Lasting Relationships. We’ve just had a blast with you guys the last two days.

Bryan (01:40):

Thank you for having us.

Dave (01:40):

I hope you had fun.

Bryan (01:41):

It’s been great; it’s been great.

Stephanie: We have!

Ann (01:43):

If we would all apply the principles that you talked about yesterday, we would have amazing marriages. So now, I want to dive into a little bit of this parenting aspect. You guys have three kids.

Dave (01:54):

You pastor a church; you’re on the FamilyLife Board, so you make sure this ministry’s going in the right direction. Man, after listening to you the last two days, we are in good hands.

Ann (02:03):

I thought that same thing, Dave.

Dave (02:04):

Oh, I really did. I thought, “Wow.” Because I’m not in a lot of those Board meetings—we’ve been in a few—but man, knowing that this kind of stuff you guys are talking about: thank you.

Bryan: It’s an honor to serve. Thank you so much.

Ann (02:12):

And you have a really cool marriage.

Stephanie: Oh, thank you!

Ann: You do. Now, we’re going to talk about kids. I bet your kids are pretty great, too.

Stephanie (02:20):

We have three kids. Each of them are completely different. I think about Kaitlyn. I remember—just her being our oldest, we kept feeling like—“This is so easy! This is all that parenting is? She just sits here; she reads her little book; she’s just great!”

Ann: And you probably thought, “We’re the best parents.”

Stephanie: “Where’s this nightmare situation that is happening [with other families]?” So then, we had Kennedy. I would say she is our strong-willed blessing. Between zero and seven, she brought it;—

Dave (02:53):

Really?

Stephanie (02:53):

—you question yourself as a parent, to the point where—I’ll never forget this—the little pre-school that we had Kaitlyn in—and the same teachers, who had taught Kaitlyn, had Kennedy. They were like, “This is going to probably be her last year. And the reason why we’re letting you stay is because we just know y’all are great parents, because of Kaitlyn.”

Ann (03:16):

Well, it’s interesting, too: when you have a strong child—our youngest was our strongest—I can remember: we’re driving in the car—he’s five years old—and I’m driving. We dropped the kids off at school, and he’s coming home with me. He goes, “Why are you going this way, Mom? It’s way longer.” I’m listening to it: “Is it? It probably is; maybe, I should.” I’m thinking, “How do you know how to get home? You know the other way is quicker?!” He just had this natural leadership gift, and he’s just bossing me around all day.

Stephanie (03:45):

Yes! Listen, we had to learn through, having a strong-willed child, not to break that spirit—through prayer; through great mentors who kind of told us—we were calling anybody and everybody because we did not know what to do—

Dave: I bet.

Stephanie: —I think the best advice we got was: “…not to break her spirit.”

Dave (04:03):

What’s that look like? What do you mean?

Bryan: Well, we had to learn to give her choices. With the first one, you say, “Do this,”—

Dave: —and she’d do it.

Bryan: Right, with her, she’d do it [Kaitlyn].

But this one, we got to say, “Well, either you can watch TV, or you can do your homework.” It had to always be choices—and let them feel empowered—it was their decision and their choice. If you focused them and made them, it was a battle of wills. Their will is pretty strong!

Ann: It’s not worth that battle!

Bryan: It’s not worth the battle.

Stephanie: It’s not.

Bryan: So you’re constantly offering options and choices, trying to help them navigate. You’re like, “Why am I negotiating—

Stephanie: —”with a two-year-old?”

Ann: And they’re good at it.

Bryan: They’re good at it!

Stephanie (04:39):

She’s so good; she’s so good. I tell young moms now; I’m like, “That little strong-willed blessing that you have”—I got that term from Julie Richard, who does this great ministry for moms called Fearless Mom—I would tell them, “Just nurture that. Nurture that; they’re going to be the strongest leader.” And she is!

Dave (05:01):

I was going to say, “What’s she like now?”

Bryan (05:02):

Well, we had to read; ask a lot of questions. We had to unpack the uniqueness that God had given her.

Ann (05:10):

How did you do that?

Bryan (05:10):

Reading, asking questions;—

Stephanie (05:13):

We went to therapists.

Bryan (05:14):

—we went to therapists, trying to figure out: “Okay, how do we raise our daughter?” “How do we raise our children well?” “How are they gifted? How are they wired?” Part of us discovering this strong-will nature was figuring out how valuable that is—how the leadership gifts that are there—how this would turn out, later in life, if we’re able to cultivate that.

Our son, who was kind of—he’s the baby—

Stephanie (05:38):

He’s very chill.

Bryan (05:38):

—very easy-going, very nonchalant. He’s focused—he knows what he wants to do—but he’s very easy-going.

We had to figure out: “How do we cultivate each of these personalities in such a way they feel love; they feel valued?” We’re not comparing them to their siblings: “Why don’t you do it like this? I don’t have any problems with them.” We had put all that kind of language away, and say, “Let’s learn to value them; affirm them; celebrate them; coach them, based on how God has uniquely wired our children.”

That’s something we had to wrestle with. But now, we watch them—and it’s interesting to watch them, as teenagers, young adults—that we’ve been able to try to coach them through some of those unique seasons. But early on, it was just—

Stephanie: We were like, “What is happening?!”

Bryan (06:25):

—it was hard.

Stephanie (06:26):

It was really hard.

I think we had to learn the different stages of parenting. I feel like, in the beginning, it’s kind of like a dictatorship: “Okay, you do this,” “You go sit here”; and then, it eventually, gradually, comes into a coaching season, and so on. I feel like, with all of our kids, we had to learn to give them responsibilities—as far as like—“Hey, you can sort clothes. This is a color game.” So at five, you can, “Okay, towels; whites; colors,”—just helping with the wash. Giving them some type of responsibility and accountability.

(07:13) Our kids grew up with social media—like social media, and phones, and all that—was introduced at a young age. Even working through that situation, but just being really clear with them as far as: “These are the expectations in our house”; and sticking with them.

But then, also not comparing your kid to somebody else’s kid, with having one kid who would do whatever they were supposed to do; and then, having the other kid, who would be like, “Yeah, no; I’m not doing that.” I remember, when I was pregnant with Carson—just a transparent moment when I found out I was pregnant with him—I was like, “Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do!” I said, “The other two—I don’t even know what I’m doing with those two—how am I going to have another one?!”

Bryan (07:44):

Our last child was a complete surprise. The first two—we’re school teachers—our first child is born in June—June 4—school teachers/we get out in May. June birth; we had a summer.

Dave (07:58):

There you go.

Stephanie: We had the whole summer.

Ann: There you go!

Bryan (07:59):

Our second child is born June 16.

Ann (08:01):

Come on.

Bryan (08:02):

June—we get out of school—had a summer together; we had two girls. We wanted another try again, but weren’t quite sure. And then, this third one comes; and it’s total surprise that she’s pregnant. We don’t even know—this is just—and so she’s kind of wrestling with depression: “What?!” And then, our child—it’s a terrible two-thing happening at the same time—

Stephanie (08:24):

She was bringing it; she had separation anxiety. When we would drop her off at school, or just at preschool, she would just completely scream, completely fall out. Even if my mom was watching her—we’re blessed that my mom lives ten minutes away from us—so even, if my mom was watching her, she’d be like, “What is this crying?” I was like, “This is what she does.”

Ann (08:48):

And then, you feel like people are judging you.

Bryan (08:51):

Especially, church babies.

Ann (08:51):

That’s what I was going to say.

Stephanie: —at church, yes.

Ann: And then, you’re the pastor; and that can be really tricky.

Dave (08:56):

There’s that pressure.

Ann: Yes.

Stephanie (08:58):

It was that pressure of—oh, I can see; I’m having all these memories come up—okay, I’ll tell this one story real quick. Bryan is preaching at a church in Los Angeles. We go; I’m pregnant with Carson. Kennedy has to be two or three, and she’s in rare form. Oh, she’s in rare form. Kaitlin’s just sitting there, obedient—whatever.

This particular church—you had to do the offering—you had to get up, and you had to walk around. I’m like, “Okay,”—I’m thinking to myself—”this is not going to go well; but I’m just going to talk, and kind of reason with this child, and be like, ‘Alright, now here’s your little money that you’re going to put in.’” And Kennedy was having no part of it. She literally, as we get to the altar, throws herself down. She throws herself down; I’m like, “Okay, put it in there.” She’s like, “No! No!” I was like, “Not now; don’t throw this tantrum now. Please, Jesus!”

The older saints are looking at me—“Honey, you better spank her,” “Get her up; spank her,”—I’m like, “That spanking her is just going to really energize her even more into the Incredible Hulk. So ‘No.’”

Ann: —the Incredible Hulk!

Stephanie: And then, Kaitlyn is just looking; and then, Bryan is sitting there; and he’s just looking at me, like, “I’m so sorry.”

Dave (10:12):

And you have to get up and preach?

Bryan: I have to.

Dave (10:17):

“That’s his daughter right there,”—oh, man.

Stephanie: And we’re having another one: “Oh, my goodness.”

Bryan (10:22):

Nothing like parenting to keep you humble. I just think the Lord gives you kids to keep you humble, because you just never know what you get. But we’ve been blessed—our kids—man, we’ve got three. They got total different interests. Our oldest is a dancer. She did dance—ballet, modern—much of her life. Our middle one did gymnastics, and she did cheer. Cheer is kind of her thing—she loves to be a cheerleader—competitive cheer. Our son does basketball, so he loves basketball.

You’re tired—you’re tired all the time—I think, at one point, we had three kids—

Stephanie: —three different schools.

Bryan (10:59):

—three schools; we had extra extracurricular stuff going on.

Stephanie (11:03):

It’s crazy!

Bryan (11:05):

So demanding.

Stephanie (11:06):

In that season—between the time they’re infants to the toddler stage; no matter what—it’s hard. Potty training: it’s hard. “I just want you to stay encouraged, because it goes so fast.”

Bryan: It does.

Ann (11:19):

I just talked to one of our daughters-in-law. She sent some pictures of their four-year-old talking very close to his two-year-old sister. My daughter-in-law says, “Bryce”—their son—”is telling his sister that today’s the day she needs to be potty trained.” She can hear him saying, “Now, today’s the day, Autumn, you’re going to go potty. Whenever I go, you can go.” And she’s listening to him, like, “Okay.” She never had an accident the whole day!

Stephanie (11:49):

Wow.

Ann (11:50):

This little boy has a teaching gift.

Bryan: That’s right!

Stephanie: He’s got a teacher gift.

Ann: He’s a teacher; he’s a teacher. We asked them—

Stephanie: That is the cutest story.

Ann: —late last night; I’m like, “So how did it go?” They said, “Well, our four-year-old just potty trained the two-year-old. He’s a magnificent teacher!”

Dave (12:05):

He’s a trainer.

Ann (12:07):

You guys talked, yesterday, about how you sit down, as a family, and make goals. Is that once a year that you sit down? You must have done that with your kids—like parenting goals for your kids—did you do that for each child?—you had goals for the year?

Stephanie (12:21):

We do. We kind of sit down, right before school starts; we just talk about: “Goals that you might have.” It’s helpful for them to set their own goals—realistic goals—not my goals. I had one friend, she was like, “Now, I set my goals for them”; I’m like, “No, no; that’s not you.”

Ann (12:37):

But you did when they were little.

Stephanie (12:38):

You do when they’re little. But middle school and high school, “No.” My goal—as a parent goal—my parent goal could be: “Yes, they’re going to be a 4.0 student,” “They’re going to be this,” “They’re going to do this”; but realistically, let your kids set their goals.

Ann (12:52):

What does that look like?—you’re all sitting around the table; they’re in middle school, high school.

Stephanie (12:56):

Before we have the meeting, we say, “Hey, we’re coming together to make goals; so what are going to be your goals?”

“What could be your friendship goals?”

“What could be your academic goals?”

“What could be your social goals?”

Sometimes, you might have a kid—at one time—our son is kind of shy. Our girls are leaders; so they were [in] Student Council; they’re like, “Listen, Carson, this is what we do; we lead.”

Dave: “We’re the Carters.”

Stephanie: “You need to run for something; so then, when you are a senior, you can be the president. That’s what we do.”

Bryan (13:27):

This is last year—this is six months ago—this is the conversation of his older sisters with him. I was like, “Hey, no pressure!”

Ann: Was he looking at you, Bryan: “Help me, Dad”?

Bryan: He’s like, “Okay.” He said, “Okay, okay; I got it. I got it.”

I think the goal is designed for the kid. Sometimes we do them, one-on-one. We may go to Panera restaurant—sit down, one-on-one, and let that child just talk about—“What are you thinking?”

“What do you want to do?”

“What do you see happening?”

“Do you want to play sports?”

“Do you want to do this club?”

“Where do you see…”

Just trying to help them set those goals—coach them along—because, sometimes, they’re going to need help to get the goals accomplished—whether it’s academically—or they may need some additional help athletically, or even spiritually. “How do we help you?”

“You’re going to have to get involved this year, so what are you going to do at church?”—that’s one of the questions we’re trying—“You can pick whatever you want; we need to do something at church—

Stephanie: “You have to do something at church.”

Bryan: —“either this, or that group, or youth group.” It gives them space for them to be able to talk about how they see their lives being, how they see God working; those kinds of things. That’s kind of what that looks like.

When they get to college, they do the same thing: “This is what I’m thinking about: ‘I want to get this…’; ‘I want to do this…’; ‘Next summer, I want to do this…’” We’re trying to help them to think before thinking.

Ann (14:45):

And they didn’t roll their eyes; or “Ugh, these dumb goals”?

Stephanie (14:46):

No; I think our son, initially, was like, “Oh, what’s this about?” I think, seeing his older sisters do it—I think the example is you have to model—so as parents, we have to model. We have to model prayer; they have to see us praying. Sometimes, we can be doing so many other things that they see us doing. But if we don’t model how to pray, if we don’t model how to forgive—if we don’t model these things for our kids—if we don’t model how to communicate and talk to people when we have a conflict, they’re going to have problems. They’re not going to know how to do these things. If we’re not showing them, who else is going to show them? Just giving them those realistic expectations—and that’s the key—realistic expectations.

Ann (15:30):

I like how you said, “Hey, what are you thinking?” It’s not like, “Hey, what are your goals?” It’s more of a conversation.

Bryan (15:36):

It’s a conversation.

Stephanie: “What were your wins last year?” or “What were your wins these past nine weeks?” “What would you like to see, moving forward?”—and so on.

For each kid, it is different. With my son, his sisters are about to be in college; and so on. Well, I said, “Okay, Carson,”—he’s a sophomore—”so what are your schools that you’re thinking about?” Now, his dad is like, “Oh, I want him to do this; I want him to do this type of major.” However, my son loves marine biology.

Bryan (16:08):

They don’t get paid very well.

Stephanie (16:12):

And so I had to tell him; I said, “Bryan, you have to let him—

Bryan (16:15):

I’m going to let him, but I’m also going to expose him to math, some engineering experiences. Sometimes, if we don’t know it exists, then we don’t know to even choose it.

Dave (16:24):

To see what else might peak his interest.

Bryan (16:26):

I’m going to send him to a marine biology camp; but then, next summer, I’m going to send him to a couple of engineering camps; so he can, at least, learn there’s a world out there; because he’s gifted in math and science.

Dave (16:36):

How about the spiritual area? How do you guys, as parents, develop—every parent, probably, listening is like—“Man, one of my top goals is that they’re walking with God when there’re men and women.” We’ve done several programs recently with the epidemic of our kids walking away. It’s an epidemic; it’s never been seen at these numbers in history. Parents are afraid; and they’re like, “What’s our role to help see that happen?” What do you guys do?

Bryan (17:01):

I think, spiritually, we try to get them cultivated in church; we try to get them connected in church. We pray with them at home; we pray before we leave for the day to drop them off. One of the things I miss, when they start driving, is we miss those times—

Stephanie (17:15):

Yeah, miss that time.

Ann: Me, too.

Bryan (17:16):

—in the car, where you could talk about your faith; talk about those things. I miss that.

One of the things we often do: we try to put them in spaces:

So we often see them—the Christian camp each summer—which really gives them a good foundation.

And then, we also try to figure out: “What are your gifts? and “How can you use those gifts in the life of the church?” Our girls have both been on leadership councils; that’s allowed them to use their leadership gifts in the context of the local church, so they can see that connection.

If it’s mission trips that happen, we try to get them connected there.

And then, also at the home, our talk-time is also kind of our family devotional time. Sunday night is also the time we may talk about prayer; we may ask them to pray. We may ask them their prayer needs so that they get a connection there.

The other thing I’ve longed to do—but I haven’t done—is I’d love to do a personal Bible study with my kids. It’s something I wanted to do, over time; I haven’t been able to do it; I would’ve liked to have. I’ve got a sabbatical break—so I’ve got margin to do it—to do a Bible study with them.

(18:31) I’m super excited—matter of fact—one of our kids decided to be a counselor at a Christian camp that she had gone to for a number of years, which was shocking enough that she would want to be this counselor for six weeks. She left college to that last summer. I told her, “Man, we’re so proud of you. Man, there’s a lot of places you could have spent the summer—but you went there, and you invested in those young girls—as hard as it was, as challenging as it was.”

Then, when she got back to campus, she says her friends wanted to start a Bible study. She said, “They’ve asked me to start the Bible study.” I said, “I’m so proud of you!” She said, “Dad, this is not what I do; I don’t know how to do this.” Then it clicked for her—I said, “I’ll give you all the stuff. If you need help, I’ll give you a Bible study,”—then. it clicked for her; she said, “You know what I can teach them?—the same material I taught last summer for six weeks.” I said, “That’s a great idea! You already have the workbook.” She pulled a workbook out, and she was able to lead that Bible study for the first time.

I think part of what we’ve learned is—as she mentioned: modeling it; helping expose it to them; teach it to them—encouraging them as they have wins in their spiritual life. In a church space, pks—preacher’s kids—sometimes, have to deal with so much. Being a listening ear to them; but still encouraging them to be in there, and learn and grow; but not feel that pressure. Praying for God to send spiritual mentors in their lives; because sometimes, our voices are not heard—but if there’s somebody, who loves the Lord, and loves them—we’ve had coaches at schools step in and be those voices.

I think, spiritually, it’s a whole experience that you’re trying to use everything that you can to try. And the other voice, that’s been helpful, is their grandmother. Their grandmother—her mom, who lives ten minutes from us—picks them up; drops them off. This is an extra set of hands; but she would always say to our kids, “Have you prayed about it?” When we, as Mom and Dad, would forget to, sometimes, she would be this—

Ann (20:24):

—just like she said to you, over the years, Stephanie.

Bryan (20:26):

She did; she’s been a voice in their lives, spiritually: texting them prayers, texting them verses.

Another thing we did was try to make our house that house for sleepovers, for birthday parties, end-of-year parties, spiritually. , right? Well, they just can see us and know us.

The last thing we do, spiritually, I started a father-son camp—

Ann: Wait; what?!

Bryan: —about four to five years ago.

Dave: At your church?

Bryan: Really, amongst some friends, some friends in our church. It started because my son has about four young men—they were all born around the same time—they were all turning 13. We’re all getting ready for “the talk.” Maybe, he’d been 12 at the time. I called the guys; I said, “Listen, why don’t we do it together? Let’s do the talk together.” They said, “You know what?! Let’s do it together!”

(21:18) We got our sons together; we spent the weekend together, and we did the talk together. That started, as we were talking about purity then; and it’s just every year we have these conversations. We go fishing; we hang out; play games. It is the best!

I’ll never forget—we’re sitting there—and they were asking all these, at 10/11, when they first started, they’re asking questions that I don’t know. You know what I mean?—“Why does this happen?” “What is this?”—but it was the best. But again, other fathers/other men available, speaking into each other’s lives. I just say it’s a whole community; just thrown in all that you can.

Dave (21:55):

You know what would be really cool? If you’re doing that, in ten years, with the same guys.

Bryan (21:58):

Wouldn’t that be cool?

Dave (21:59):

They’re married men now; they still would want it.

Ron (22:06):

Hey, friends; Ron Deal here, Director of FamilyLife Blended. Did you know Blended & Blessed—the only worldwide livestream designed for couples and blended families—is free this year? Saturday, April 18, we’re going to be live in Oklahoma City. If you show up there, we’re going to charge you for lunch. But other than that, it is free to livestream. Churches can bring a group of couples together, and enjoy the day, absolutely free.

Gayla Grace is going to be with us; Davey and Kristi Blackburn; Cheryl Shumake’s going to be with us; Kathi Lipp; and Bryan Goins, our emcee. It’s going to be a wonderful day; I hope you can join us. Learn more and get the link in the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann (22:52):

One of our sons became friends with The Grief; they were in a small group from our church. A guy, who was in his 20s, started leading their group. And now, these guys are 37 to 40, and they still meet.

Bryan (23:06):

Really?

Ann (23:07):

They don’t live around each other; but they meet for vacation—

Dave: —once a year.

Ann: —with their leader, who’s a lawyer. They’re still friends; they still stay in touch with one another. It’s really sweet.

Bryan (23:17):

That is so cool; that’s beautiful.

Ann (23:18):

You guys, this has been so rich.

Dave (23:20):

Yeah, this is rich.

Ann (23:21):

Bryan, I’m just sitting here, thinking, “I got stuck on the part when your daughter came home and she’s saying, ‘They asked me to lead this Bible study.’” Your enthusiasm, when you say, “Yes, you should!” I thought, “If I had a father who was just cheering me on, and a mother who was saying, “You can do this,”—our kids are needing that—they don’t need our critique at that age. They don’t need us to tell them what they’re doing wrong. They already feel the pressure of the culture of the world. But for us, as parents, to pray for them, to cheer for them, to ask them: “Hey, what are you thinking right now?” “What are your goals?”

Dave (23:58):

“Go for it.”

Ann (23:59):

You guys are impressive.

Stephanie: Oh, bless you. Thank you!

Ann: I wish you would’ve raised me!

Stephanie: Oh, my goodness!

Bryan (24:06):

Thank you guys for having us.

Stephanie: Thanks y’all; thanks so much for having us.

Ann (24:06):

Thank you!

Bryan (24:08):

It’s been a real honor to spend some time with you guys.

Ann (24:09):

So fun.

Bryan (24:09):

Love what the work you guys are doing; incredible job.

Dave and Ann (24:12):

Thank you.

Dave: That was a great day with Bryan and Stephanie. That was our third day in a row

Ann: I loved them!

Dave: Good stuff; [his] book is called Made to Last: 9 Principles to Build Long Lasting Relationships. Doesn’t everybody want long-lasting relationships?

Ann (24:30):

Yes, we all want long-lasting relationships.

Dave: So get it now at FamilyLifeToday.com; just click on the link in the show notes.

Ann (24:36):

And thanks for being with us on FamilyLife Today.

Dave (24:43):

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