Dating and LDR: The Insider Tips, ft. Evan Byerley

Shelby: Hey, before we get into today's conversation, I wanted to point out that this is the One Hundredth episode of Real Life Loading…. It's crazy, crazy. We're almost two years old now. We're basically a podcast toddler. Like we need constant attention, or we'll get into stuff that we're not supposed to. We're eating solid food now. We’re waddling around the house. We're throwing tantrums every now and then. Maybe we could be potty trained, but we're not.

Okay, I'm going to stop running with this little metaphor, but I can't believe that this is one hundred episodes for us. It has been a really fun ride, and I'm so, so grateful for the way that God has molded and shaped podcast into what it is now.

We've had a lot of amazing conversations, and I really hope that it's been helpful for you, as the listener in your twenties. My primary goal is to glorify God, and then to help you as a young person, and I hope this podcast has done that for you.

Alright, let's get into it today.

Evan: If you cannot be friends with this person outside of a relationship, you shouldn't be dating them.

And I think that's one reason why Lorelai's and my relationship works so well. It's like, our personalities are like, similar. We're both like, weird in our own ways, and we have our few specific topics where like, we know everything about it. Like, she's a die hard Swiftie. She can tell you anything about Taylor Swift you need to know.

It's so funny though, because I've been picking up like Swiftie knowledge now. And so, whenever somebody is like talking about Taylor Swift and I say something and she's there, she looks at me and she goes, she goes, I'm proud of you.

Shelby: Real help for relationships in your twenties, this is Real Life Loading...

I'm Shelby, and I'm here with incoming freshmen at West Virginia University Mountaineers and part of the pride of West Virginia marching band, Evan Beyerly. Congratulations, by the way, that's like a big deal to be a part of the marching band there. Right?

Evan: Yes, yes, it's really competitive. I mean, I think they make it sound more competitive than it is. Because they're like, yes, we have three hundred kids. But then when I asked people in the marching band, because I got in contact with some of them, they're just like, Oh yes, no, it's really not. They're like, to keep that three hundred, they, all you have to do is blow into a horn or play whatever you can at the bass level and walk in time.

Shelby: Well, that probably made you feel worse. Right? Oh, I made it. Ahh, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Evan: And then my friend from high school is trying out for the Blue Band at Penn State. His process is stressful. I would not want to be doing that.

Shelby: Yes, what does he play?

Evan: He does trombone.

Shelby: Trombone, okay.

Evan: They do like three separate auditions. So, they have the bass one, which is like you pick your music and then you send it in. Then they have after that, they give you a piece of music and you have forty-eight hours to learn a piece of music and how to play it. Then after that they'll tell you, “Oh, yes, you're coming down to band camp. Then they get a bunch of people from band camp the new kids, and on the first or second day of band camp, they send a bunch of kids home. Oh, you're cut.

Shelby: So, wow. That's gotta be rough. Especially if you go there--

Evan: --Yes, I know.

Shelby: --Make the trip there and then you go all the way back. Yes. That's rough.

Well, I do know, like, I've known a few people who have gone to WVU. I've spoken a few times at WVU's Cru®, and I know that they call it the pride of West Virginia. I'm excited for you. We've talked about this before, because, Evan, you go to my church, You just graduated from high school, you love Jesus, and we've had lots of great conversations. I've been honored to be, in a small way, a part of your life, and I thought that one of the most pertinent things to our conversation today would be, you recently started dating a girl.

Evan: I did, yes.

Shelby: Her name is Lorelai.

Evan: Mm hmm.

Shelby: Which I love that name.

Evan: I know.

Shelby: Love it, love it, love it, yes. We actually thought about naming our first daughter Lorelai and then we ended up going with Quinn. But, yes, it was like in my top two favorite names.
First of all, I guess, just tell me, how did you guys meet each other or get to know each other? Have you been friends? What's the story?

Evan: We met this year, and it was so crazy how we met. Because it should have happened earlier this year.

Shelby: You didn't know each other, but you were both in the same school.

Evan: But we were, we've been in the same school for four years.

Shelby: That's pretty unique.

Evan: But she sat next to me in my environmental science class. She sat next to me. Then I have music keyboarding. The first day of music keyboarding, I sat down in the class, even though I wasn't really like in the class. It was more like a music study hall for me and my friend who are in band. And she sat down next to me in that class too. So, we have had like brief conversations like you do with all high school kids have, like - did you do the work, or oh, what's the answers? That kind of stuff.

Then I volunteered for a thing at an elementary school with NHS, with my National Honor Society at high school. It was supposed to be me, her, her friend Monty, and my friend Agunda. And all four of us were going to go and the kids were going to do a like Christmas shopping spree for their parents. They brought money and everything.

So, we were supposed to like help the kids pick stuff out. And so we get there and Gunda had told me earlier, he was like, yes, I can't go to that cause I have lacrosse that day. So, it was me, her, and Monty. And up until that point, I don't even know if I knew her name, like, fully.

I knew who she was, but I didn't know for sure if it was her. So, at this time I was kind of getting out of being interested in somebody else, which was just kind of like a weird transition for me. We had gotten along great that day, and she drove all of us to Wawa, and we got like food at Wawa, and then we drove back to the school.

Shelby: Did you enjoy hanging out with her?

Evan: Oh yes, it was awesome. She's so much fun to talk to. So then, that happens and then, we're just kind of more friends now, than we were after that than we were before. We talked more and she'll come over and ask for help with stuff. So, one day we're just sitting there like in class and we're just like talking.

We were talking about GamePigeon, which is the thing on your phone. It's like you can play like Eight-ball and like Cup Pong and like Tic Tac Toe, that kind of stuff. And you like send messages back and forth between people. And she goes, “Oh, I'm so good at Eight-ball or something.” I go, “Oh really? You'll have to play me.” So, we exchanged phone numbers.
Shelby: There it was.

Evan: Yes, that's what was my line, Do you want to play me an Eight-ball?

Shelby: Right, right. Smooth.

Evan: Yes. It was so smooth. It was totally not awkward in the moment when I was asking that. We started playing every day, and it was awesome. And then It was one night after youth group actually, I was really stressed. It was before I'd committed to West Virginia. So, the college decision was weighing on me. It was the night that I had to lead youth group for a group of kids, and I felt like I did not do well for those kids that I had to lead, and I was very like downtrodden.

Shelby: Was that the night that I was like doing the main thing from Psalm 88?

Evan: Yes, I think it was. It was.

Shelby: Yes, yes. I remember that night.

Evan: I was just like, we were playing GamePigeon, and I was just like, how was your night? And she was like, oh, I had work, so it was good, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, how was yours? I like, honestly, I was worried for a second, because I was like, I'm going to open up here.

Yes, I started off with, I don't know if you're religious, but I had to lead a youth group thing tonight, and it did not go how I was hoping it would go, and blah, blah, blah. Then she goes, oh, I actually am religious. She goes to a Catholic Church and like, after that, like we didn't even really play GamePigeon anymore. We would just text each other. We'd say, “How are you doing? How's your day been?” Blah, blah, blah.

Shelby: You didn’t need GamePigeon.

Evan: Nah, we didn't need GamePigeon anymore. So, that was Wednesday and then Friday, I think we FaceTimed for the first time. I was sitting in my room, and we were FaceTiming each other, and I asked her what she was doing the following week, and she was like, oh, nothing.

So, I asked her, I was like, you want to go out? And she said, “Yes.” And we had talked, we were very open before about like, oh, relationships and like, oh, past relationships that have failed and just like kind of the funny moments. I told her, I was like, I suck at talking to women. [Laughter] Like, I suck at it. Like, I get nervous, and I get rambly, and I get, like, shy when I try and talk to people I'm interested in.

And so, after I asked her out, she goes, see, that wasn't so hard, was it? And I go, and I told her, I was like, you are not in this room with me. I'm shaking. Like, to the bone. Like, I'm, I'm shaking. I’m stressed right now. Sweating.

Shelby: Sweating, sweating.

Evan: I was like, my hands were like vibrating. It was, it was crazy. And so, we went out that week and it was awesome.

Shelby: Okay. What does the first date look like for high school students? What did that look like for you guys at least?

Evan: So, for us it was, we went to PJ Whelihan’s.

Shelby: Okay. So, like a, a, a restaurant.

Evan: So yes, we went to a restaurant.

Shelby: A sports bar. Yes.

Evan: Yes. So we went to a restaurant, and we honestly didn't even really eat that much. We literally sat there talking the whole time.

Shelby: Mm hmm.

Evan: It was so nice to get to know her.

Shelby: It felt more natural. Did you feel as nervous then?

Evan: Not as nervous. I was still nervous, but not as nervous. But it was like, just so natural to talk to her. I like to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like, and her fears and her spiritual life and that kind of stuff. We brought that up, and we're talking about that. And then we played pool, actually. And, man, whew, I am bad at pool compared to her. [Laughter]

Shelby: She killed you?

Evan: The first time I was kind of trying to be easy. I was trying to be like, okay, Evan, you can win this probably, but you're going to let her win.

Shelby: You were going to take it easy.

Evan: Yes. Then she beat me. Then the next two games I was like, all right Evan, come on, you have to lock-in, and you have to win at least one of these.

Shelby: Try here. Yes.

Evan: So, I tried the next two and the second game, I hit the eight ball in like the third shot in. And then the last one she just destroyed me. And it was crazy. It was so funny though.

Shelby: She's amazing.

Evan: Yes. I was, I was like, man.

Shelby: Yes, I like that you guys spent time together talking before doing an activity, because I was just talking about this with a couple of college students recently about what's a good first date. A lot of people will say, you know, going to a movie, or some people are like a concert. I was agreeing with the college student. I was just like, you know, that's like a bad first date, because you're not really actually getting to know each other.

I like that you guys did something. You talked, and then you did an activity afterward. You spent time getting to know one another, looking at each other, conversing, and then doing an activity where you can have fun. So that's good. I love that.

Evan: Yes, and then after that we did an escape room, actually.

Shelby: That same night?

Evan: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Shelby: Oh, okay.

Evan: Not that same night. Wow, that's a full first date. That's a lot of money.

Shelby: Yes, yes, yes. A lot of money.

Evan: That's a lot of money to drop on the first date.

Shelby: Spoken like a high school student. That's a lot of money. Yes, yes. So, your second date was an escape room. Okay.

Evan: Mm hmm.

Shelby: So, you're like, problem solving, working together. That's good.

Evan: Yes. So, our second date was an escape room. And then third date is when we made it like official.

Shelby: Okay.

Evan: Now we were like, we are dating now. Like, this is my girlfriend. I am your boyfriend.

Shelby: Okay, great. What did you learn about her, since you didn't know that much about her spiritually? What were some key moments in your conversation over the first two or three dates that you go, yes, I want to actually be dating this girl? Like what drew you to her spiritually?

Evan: I think one thing was just, she's not like a lot of - and this is going to sound cheesy, but she's not like every other high school girl that's in my grade.

Shelby: Okay.

Evan: Like, there's a very distinct line in my grade, where you either have the, like, popular girls who are super athletic, and then you have the kind of like the brainy girls-who can still be athletic, but they're more inclined to academics. She's honestly right on that middle line. She's committed to Kutztown University for a goalie at field hockey, but she's also majoring in bio pre-med. So, she's going to try to do it all.

Shelby: Yes, yes, yes.

Evan: Then she's just so nice. One thing I feel like with guys is like we're expected to make the first move. But if every guy had his way, we would not be making the first move. There were parts where she would like come up and talk to me. She'd be like, hey, what's your favorite type of music? What type of food do you like? You Who do you like? What's your favorite color? Blah, blah, blah. Can I have help with this? Oh, blah, blah, blah. It was just like really refreshing to be on the receiving end of like being wanted. You know what I mean? Lorelai, she's honestly so amazing like it's crazy.

Shelby: Well, you said she wrote the line between like being super smart and then being an athlete. She's super nice. What about the spiritual element that was attractive to you?

Evan: I mean, she's very open about her spirituality as well. Like, she wears, like, because she's Catholic, so they have more of that traditional Christianity. So, she'll wear her saint. She has a necklace of her saint, and she has a rosary on her keychain that she holds with her everywhere.

If you ask her about it, she's very open, and she's like, this is what I believe. This is all the specifics about how I believe. We've had conversations about our differing denominations. How my church doesn't believe in Purgatory, but her church does. And what she personally believes, and what I personally believe about Purgatory.

Or what about Mary, the mother of God, and sin, and all that kind of stuff. And we've just had really deep conversations, like the differing denominations of the church. And like, perspectives that they have on Christianity. Like, I've never really talked to anybody about this before, and I've never wanted to talk to anybody about this before.

Shelby: Has she pressed you on stuff, like, on what you believe? Or, like, been like, I disagree with that, or pushed back on anything? Or have you with her?

Evan: I mean, I have definitely, like, with the Purgatory thing was a huge one.

Shelby: Yes.

Evan: And I was like, I don't believe in that.

Shelby: Mm hmm.

Evan: But I'm not going to put you down or make you disbelieve your religion or your denomination just because I don't believe that.
She was like, yes, that's where we go after we die to wait for our judgment. And I said, “What my church has taught me to believe is that, because God is a timeless being, we don't have to wait to be judged once we die. We get to be in His Kingdom. There's no, like, waiting.

Shelby: How does she feel about that when you would disagree with her on those things?

Evan: Honestly, I think she liked having the conversation. She liked it. It was almost like a debate a little bit, but it wasn't like aggressive. It was like it wasn't like I wasn't saying things to her to make her doubt. She wasn't saying things to me to make me doubt, and it was honestly it was refreshing. To be able to be close to somebody who believes in the basics of the same thing that I believe, but the specifics are just a little different.

Shelby: I really like the fact that you two are communicating so much, and that you were very clear about your relationship status. Do you think that most people who are dating these days are approaching things like that?

Evan: I think there are some relationships that are like that. Where it's like, me and my girlfriend, we're like, we're dating now. Like, this is when we're starting to date.

So it is important to have that communication that like we're dating. But then, I do think there are some other people in my generation that are, they don't want to be labeled as dating people.

Shelby: Yes. So, for fear of commitment or are they just like, I don't like the label.

Evan: I think it's partly fear of commitment might be one thing, but I think for some people just don't want to be chained down almost. You know what I mean? Like they want to be able to flirt with people, or be the center of attention. But, yes, it's all about communication, and that's just the basis of a relationship.

Like, me and my girlfriend are going to be four hours away from each other, when we go to college. It's going to be hard. Like, I'm honestly worried of losing that, communication between each other as we get busier and busier in schedules. Once communication falls out, and even if it's only one sided communication, like, one person is still trying to keep communication up and saying like, Oh, how are you? Blah blah blah, do you want to go out? And the other person is just like, kind of not. At that point, I feel like you're trying to bail water out of a ship that's filled with it - so, like, out of a sinking ship.

Shelby: It's going to be difficult, have you and Lorelai talked about maybe a plan, being four hours away from one another?

Evan: We haven't yet, but I need to try and bring it up soon. Because I have a plan that I would like to follow in my mind.

Shelby: Which would be what?

Evan: I mean, we both are doing fall things, because I'm doing marching band and she's doing field hockey. So, the fall is like, kind of going to be super busy for us.
Shelby: Super busy, yes.

Evan: But if we could honestly, like, physically see each other once a month, and then if I could FaceTime her at least twice a week. Like, I don't need a lot. I'll have a car so I can drive. It's only four hours, and honestly, this is going to sound cheesy, but for her, I would drive that four hours just to see her.

So, I am worried going into it without a plan, but I'm ready to do whatever it takes to keep it going, as long as God wills it to me. And if that's forever, then it's forever, but I'm not going to try and like push anything or do anything that would make her uncomfortable or try and, so.

Shelby: Yes, I mean like you said, communication is so important and so is setting expectations and being on the same page.

Because I dated this girl when I was in college and there was constant miscommunication about what was going on in our relationship. It made me always wonder what was actually happening, like if like she was committed to me the way I wanted to be committed to her. Then the summer after we had been together -we had been together since like January, February of that semester, and then the summer afterward like she was on a missions trip, and I was on a missions trip.

I finished earlier than she did. And then I called her, and I was like, hey, I'm going to come down and visit you. And she was like, okay. And then I got there. I drove probably seven hours to go visit her. And then I got there. Then she was like, I'm curious about why you came down here. And I was like, I came to visit you.

She's like, well, there's other people from our school here, too, Virginia Tech, like, did you come to see them, too? And I was like, well, they're like a side hustle of, like, why I wanted to come, but, like, in general, I came to visit you. She was like, that feels a little smothering to me. I was like, this would have been good, if we would have talked about this on the phone, before I drove like seven hours to come down here.

But yes, talking about things is super important and having a plan. I think you'd also agree with me that friendship should be a really big part of any dating relationship. Right?

Evan: Yes, it's like if you cannot be friends with this person outside of relationship, you shouldn't be dating them. I think that's one reason why Lorelai's and my relationship works so well. It's like, our personalities are like, similar. We're both weird in our own ways, and we have our few specific topics, we're like, we know everything about it.

Like, she's a diehard Swiftie. So, she can tell you anything about Taylor Swift you need to know. I didn't know this going into the relationship that she was a super-Swiftie. But I'm like—

Shelby: --So, she's in a cult. [Laughter]

Evan: Uh huh. I was like, you know, Swifties are kind of weird. Like, like, like, I never, like, got, like, the deal with Swifties and why they're so crazy.

But on the first date she heard me talk about mythology and Star Wars and Harry Potter. It was just funny because it's like two different sides of the spectrum. But it's like, if you're that into it, it's like the same type of deal. And then, not just that, but she's just like, so nice and like, outgoing. So, she'll talk to anybody. And I can be like that on occasion, but normally in school I'm not. But she brings that side out of me. She brings my weirder side out. I'm so comfortable with her, doing anything or whatever.

Shelby: That's great.

Evan: And I, and it's just so much fun to hang out with her and do everything.

Like I bought Legos so that we could build them together. I was like, and then I bought one for myself, like a bigger one. Because you know, I couldn't just not buy Legos. [Laughter]

Shelby: That's an excuse for you to buy Legos.

Evan: Oh, exactly. So, she's like so excited to like, to learn my interests, and I'm so open to experiencing things that she loves as well.

Shelby: Yes, be careful though, the Swifties, you know, dive headfirst into that. And you say any kind of critique at all about it, they will defend Taylor Swift to their dying day. It's crazy.

Evan: It's so funny though, because I've been picking up, like, Swiftie knowledge now. So, whenever somebody is talking about Taylor Swift, and I say something and she's there, she looks at me and she goes, I'm proud of you. She's like, I'm proud that you know this. I was like, hey, it's just because I hang out with you all the time.

Shelby: So, Evan, at church the other day you had mentioned an idea of what you might call a middle ground of Christians dating and living together. And so, I actually wrote a book about this called, What's the Point? And I'm not sure I'm going to agree with your idea, but I wanted us to talk about it anyway. So, tell me more.

Evan: Yes. So, from a Christian perspective, it's like, honestly, to not be a Christian and to not have that boundary where you're not allowed to live together. If you're not a Christian and you don't have that boundary, it allows you to get to know a person better before you get married, than marrying that person and then afterwards being like, we don't do well in the same space, like living in the same space, like seeing each other for multiple days.

So, I was just like, because my cousin is a Christian and his girlfriend is Christian, and they go to West Chester University and they shared a dorm, not a dorm room. It was like an apartment. They had separate rooms, and they had other people living there. It was him, her, and then a bunch of her friends. So, he was the only guy. He got his own room.
I was just like, if you're dating somebody and you intend to get married to them, and you set this boundary before you were married, that you said, “I want to move in together, but I don't want to sleep in the same room as you, and I don't want to think that we're married and do the married stuff. But I want to get to know you better when we see each other every day, or when we're sharing bills, or when we're, from a financial aspect-how you spend your money, how you clean up after yourself, how you are when nobody's around.”

I just think that's kind of a step between dating and marriage that is kind of an important step to know. Like you should know, before you get married, are you going to be a good fit in the same space with this person forever? I've spent weeks at the beach with my cousins. How we were at the beginning of the beach trip was not the same as how we were at the end of the beach trip to each other. Because like, when you spend that amount of time with somebody, it can get draining.

That's one thing that dating is like, I can give you all the energy that I have right now, and then I can go away. And I can recuperate all that energy that I just gave out to you. But when you're sharing a house, it's like, I'm giving all my energy to you, but then you're still here and I'm not going anywhere else.

So, you're going to see me when I'm exhausted. You're going to see me when I'm at my lowest points. Because I feel like when you're dating, you should still be able to after a hard day, come home and be like, okay, today was stressful. It didn't go my way. That allows you to one, figure out how you can help that significant other through these times that you can't really do over the phone. Like that's not a meaningful conversation.

So, I think that it gives you more of like a space to have a serious conversation and see how your significant other can really like help you through the day. I totally understand where people come from with Christians where it's like, no, don't do that. Don't share the same house, because then the devil will come in and he'll be like, it's more of a temptation for sex.

But I think if you are really steadfast in your love for one another, and you really, really do care about each other, and you really, really do love God, and you really, really do want to get married, it's not going to be a problem. Like, that temptation shouldn't be a problem.

Shelby: Okay. Yes, I mean, I hear where you're coming from. I see your perspective on that. I want to push back a little bit and help you to see kind of what I've learned over time of being with college students for a long time. And even the research that I did for the book too, is like, when people move in together, and I'm not just talking about sex here. When people move in together, the statistics kind of show that in general, guys use it as an opportunity to delay commitment, and women use it as a stepping stone toward commitment.

Evan: And I can totally understand that.

Shelby: Yes, and then the women end up inevitably thinking, I'm on an audition to be this guy's wife, and it's like, is it ever going to happen? So, I think the other thing that I would say with all of that kind of stuff, when you talked about money too, sharing bills is something that people do in general - maybe if they're splitting the rent or that kind of thing, or the electricity. But I found that in the research too is like, when you make money as a single person, you're not married to that person you have a tendency to believe that my money is my money and I'm going to spend it how I want to, and it's not our money. So, when you make a commitment in marriage there's like this is our money.

It's not your money that you make and my money that I make. And then we split the bills with stuff. So, it has a tendency to push people away, actually, instead of bring them closer together. I think the other thing too, is like delayed gratification, or intentional withholding of something is actually something that makes you stronger. It's not something that makes you weaker.

Again, I'm not just talking about sex here. I'm talking about like, learning about how your hard day was can happen over a phone call. It can happen also over FaceTime. But I've found that there were many hard conversations that I had with Rachel, my wife, when we were just dating and when we were engaged, where like, I wanted to be there longer, and I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on for her.

And you know, like I wanted to like be there with her over the evening and like sleep with her, but not like have sex.

Evan: Exactly.

Shelby: Like I wanted to be there for her, but I was not able to do that. And that actually made me, in a strange way, long to be more committed to her and wanting to look more forward toward marriage.

You said a while ago, like, it's not necessarily about a commitment. I'd say that love in general, especially as you're thinking about marriage, is all about commitment. Because there's been plenty of times when I don't feel in love with my wife, and there's been plenty of times when she doesn't feel in love with me.

But we stay with it. Why? Because It's about the commitment that we made. It's about the covenant relationship that we entered into. I think if there's an out that people have when living with one another, it's like, well, we're not actually committed to each other here. That back door will always be something that people want.

You know, some people say, I don't, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I love someone. I would argue, it's actually all about the piece of paper that says that you're committed to loving one another. Because like, I don't feel in love with my wife all the time, but because of that “piece of paper” that I committed to her, I'm not going anywhere.

Evan: Yes, exactly.

Shelby: There's a sense of like, if I'm committed to this person, why not push toward marriage. I think that there's also the adventure of getting to know someone when you finally do say--
Evan: -- Get to move-in.--

Shelby: --“I do.” When you get to move-in.

Evan: Yes, I do think that's one thing that's like, I'm not entirely okay with the whole move-in thing. Like, I don't know if I personally would ever do it.

Shelby: Yes.

Evan: But I could see it working for some people and not others. But I get that though - what you're saying, like that anticipation of getting to be married to somebody and then move-in with them, just sounds like so endearing.

Shelby: Yes, it makes it all the more celebratory. I think too, if you talked about like people committed to moving-in together, but not having sex. I will also say that like when you're engaged, it gets more and more difficult--

Evan: --difficult because you're essentially married. Like we're essentially married.

Shelby: You're essentially, I think we're married. And if we can't do the physical things that we want to do you'll be way more tempted. You know 1 Thessalonians talks about abstaining from the appearance of evil. And so, if two Christians move-in together, and they go, “No, no, no, we're not even having sex.” People are going to go, “Okay, whatever.”

Evan: --Okay. Sure.

Shelby: Yes, they're going to be like, yes, whatever. And that might end up being a stumbling block for people in the future. Romans 14 is clear about not being a stumbling block. Well, if they did it, like, we can do it. Then it ends up being kind of this domino effect or snowball effect that really can hurt people.

And, you know, there's 1 Corinthians talks about all things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful or beneficial is another translation of it. So, I think it's one of those things that if you commit to moving into your girl with your girlfriend and you're not going to be in sexual relationships with one another, it might be technically allowed according to Scripture.

Evan: It's like a loophole.

Shelby: Probably not helpful. Yes. It's like, am I looking for a loophole here? It's like, how close to the edge can I get without falling over? And it's like, why don't you just stay away from the edge?

Evan: Which is something I don't want to do. Like, I don't want to be like that person.

Shelby: No, I'm not accusing you of that.
Evan: Yes. I know. Yes, I know you're good. But I do like what you were talking about, like with the commitment thing. It's kind of like the whole, not all the time, do I love my wife. Not all the time does my wife love me. Like I've heard people talk about like, there's a thing now, it's called the 3-6-9, the three month mark, the sixth month mark, and the ninth month mark. Those are the hardest milestones to get to for dating couples.

Shelby: For dating couples. Yes, okay.

Evan: Because it's like, you go through the hills and valleys of like, the honeymoon phase, you're in the honeymoon phase, and then you're not, and then you're in the honeymoon phase, and then you're not. And it's just like, the 3-6-9 is what they call it, because those are apparent.

I've always heard that by three months, you've seen who your partner truly is. Leading up to the three months, it's like a guarded, like oh, this is who I am, but I try to put my best face on for you. But then at the three month mark, it's like I've been with you long enough that this is what I am.

But one thing I really am happy about is Lorelai and I - I feel like I’m getting the real her every time I talk to her-like there's no mask. And I try my hardest never to put a mask on in front of her. So, I really feel like it's a refreshing change from what I’ve experienced in the past.

Shelby: Yes, that's great, man. That's beautiful. Well, there's loads of other things that I'd love to talk to you about at some point, and maybe I can have you back on, but we’ve got to wrap it up for our time.

Evan: Yes, I'd love to come back.

Shelby: Yes. I appreciate your perspective. I appreciate you, and I have high hopes for you as you're entering into WVU and being a Mountaineer. And seeing what God's going to do in your life as you move into college time, which is always a formative set of years for someone. They figure out a lot about who they are, what they want to do, and how the Lord works in that - people make good decisions in college.

It's not always like, I know you're going to make a bunch of bad decisions, but they make good decisions. So, I like your character and I know that you're going to make good decisions, bro. Thanks for the time today.

Evan: Yes, thank you for inviting me.

Shelby: If you liked this episode of Real Life Loading… or thought it was helpful, I'd love for you to share today's podcast with a friend. Wherever you get your podcasts, it could really advance what we're doing with Real Life Loading…, if you'd rate and review us. It's sort of easy to find us on our social channels, just search for Real Life Loading or look for our link tree in the show notes.

I want to thank everybody on the Real Life Loading team. You guys are awesome, and you make it happen.
I'm Shelby and I'll see you back next time on Real Life Loading...

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