Day 1: Leave and Cleave

by Leslie J. Barner

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.—Genesis 2:24 KJV

I was raised by “helicopter parents.” It’s true that term didn’t exist back when I was growing up, but it certainly applies. My parents were very overprotective of their four daughters. I especially felt that as their oldest child. They hovered over me, overseeing every aspect of my life at all times. They were my biggest cheerleaders, attended every educational or extra-curricular event, intervened when they felt I was not treated fairly, and directed my social life.

When I turned 16, and they felt I was old enough to date, they were my chaperones. They would drive me and my date to our destination, wait outside—until the movie, concert, or dinner ended—and drive us back home. Even when I was away at college, they would make the three-hour drive often to spend time with me, and were present for every collegiate event.

I was thankful for my parents. They were always there for me, providing for me, watching over me, encouraging me, supporting me, and protecting me. It was what I had grown accustomed to. But as a result, I had become too attached to my parents. This became most evident after Aubrey and I were married.

I grew up in Southern California. He was from the Bay Area. After college, we made our first home in Fremont, 6 hours north of my parents’ home. But it wouldn’t last long. Six months after our wedding day, I had become so homesick for my parents that I convinced him to relocate. We moved one city over from my parents’ home in Claremont.

When Aubrey landed a job in the area, we found out he’d be working the “graveyard shift” from midnight to 8 a.m. I was disappointed that he wouldn’t be at home with me at night, but I also secretly thought it was a great opportunity for me to go “home” every night to my parents.

Since we only had one car, Aubrey would drop me off at my parents’ home every night on his way to work. This became our routine for so long that I eventually became afraid to stay at home alone overnight. After several months of this, Aubrey began to complain. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stay at home . . . in our house, in our bed. But every night I insisted on going to my parents’, and he would begrudgingly oblige. Until one pivotal night, when everything changed.

When it was time for Aubrey to take me to my parent’s home that night, he calmly informed me that he wanted me to stay at home and sleep in our bed from now on. He talked about the fact that as his wife, I should not be going to sleep at my parent’s house every night, and he would no longer be dropping me off. I threw a royal fit! I yelled, screamed, said words that should’ve never been spoken and that haven’t been spoken since, and Aubrey quietly watched until I ran out of energy and the tantrum stopped. He then asked me if I was done. “Yes!” I said emphatically, thinking I was going to get my way. But with love in his eyes he said, “I love you, Babe. I’ll see you in the morning.” Then he gave me a kiss and walked out the door.

I was shocked I didn’t get my way! Yet I was so touched by Aubrey’s unconditional love at a time when I was being so unlovable, I literally fell to the floor and cried. There were so many ways he could’ve responded, but he had chosen to respond with love. Not only did his response make me feel truly loved; it gained my utmost respect; respect for him that has not wavered since. I also realized he was right. I needed to grow up, to stop depending on my parents, and to be a wife to my husband in every sense of the word. That night became a turning point in our marriage and relationship.

Shortly thereafter, Aubrey and I made the decision to follow Christ, and discovered the biblical blueprints for marriage and family. In addition to learning we had been called to specific God-given roles in marriage, I learned that when a man and woman become married, God calls them to “leave” the dependence, comfort, and security of their parents and to “cleave” or be joined to their spouse. For me, this wasn’t easy, but in my desire to obey God and experience His plan for our marriage, I slowly but surely detached from my parents and instead became attached to my husband, and as a result, our relationship grew stronger and our marriage began to thrive.

What’s Your Story?

1. Was it easy or difficult for each of you to “leave” your parents and to “cleave” to each other? Talk about your experience, and if there is still a need in some areas of your life to “leave” and “cleave”.
2. Fill in the chart below, and develop a plan together to help your marriage thrive by committing to “leave” the dependence, comfort, and security of your parents, and to “cleave” or be joined to each other.
3. For each area checked, write out how you plan to “leave” and “cleave” in order to help your marriage thrive.

Pray Together:

Thank God together for the gift of each other.

Ask Him to help each of you to truly “leave” the dependence, comfort, and security of your parents and to “cleave” each other in every area of life.

Ask Him to help your marriage thrive as you follow His plan for your relationship, and to give you the wisdom, courage, and strength to keep your marriage top priority during the seasons in which you may need to “return” home to your parents due to their health, a crisis (like job loss), or a short-term transition.