Day 3: You’ll Never be the Perfect Spouse

by Lisa Lakey

Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God. —2 Corinthians 3:5

I was a naïve 21-year-old girl when Josh and I said, “I do.” Bright-eyed and hope-filled, I had plenty of ideas of what our marriage would look like, right down to the number of kids we would have and a 10-year anniversary trip to Italy. I also envisioned the type of wife I would be. June Cleaver, anyone? This “perfect-wife” list only grew over the first few years of our marriage:

• I would take care of all the cleaning inside the home, because my warped idea of male/female roles told me I should be a domestic diva. I’m not.
• I would make healthy, from-scratch dinners at least five nights a week because my family only deserved the best. (I won’t say how many times I served charred garlic bread or overcooked, dry chicken.)
• Upon returning to college after our daughter was born, I had to maintain straight-A’s, because anything less wasn’t worthy of the money we were putting toward my degree.
• I would say yes to any volunteer opportunity. God gave me His best, shouldn’t I give Him the same?

What I didn’t count on was the toll kids, real life, and our own selfish agendas would take on our marriage. You know that saying about the best-laid plans? Well, when those plans I had laid went awry, I only blamed myself. I just knew that if I could do better, things would go more smoothly. So I would try harder. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be everything to everyone at all times. And instead of being the perfect wife, mother, daughter, and friend . . . I was burned out. I had little to give to anyone.

Looking back, it’s a wonder I didn’t have a nervous breakdown and was later declared certifiably insane. Sadly, I bet a lot of women can identify with my ridiculous attempt at being the perfect wife and/or mother. Or maybe some of you husbands feel similar pressures. The craziest part? Josh didn’t demand or expect any of this. He never wanted a “Stepford wife.” I just thought if I was the perfect spouse, we would have the perfect life. Crazy, right?

But here’s the thing. None of these standards I set for myself led to more peace, a better marriage, happier husband, better-behaved kids. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was overwhelmed and depressed from trying so hard that I let some of these ridiculous standards go. And if you are at that point, you should too. You will never be the perfect spouse. Take a deep breath and let that one soak in.

When Paul wrote to the church in 2 Corinthians, he asked, “Are we beginning to commend ourselves again?” (verse 3:1). When I aim for perfection through my own plans and actions, I am ultimately telling myself I’m good enough alone. I’ve got this; I don’t need anyone else. But in verse five, Paul says, “Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God . . .”

No matter how hard I try on my own to be a better spouse, how much I stress myself, nothing good can come of it. It will only create more tension, not just for me, but for those I love as well. But when I remember that perfection is God’s thing, not mine, I’m able to relax a little and focus more on loving my husband well. And he appreciates that far more than a home-cooked meal and vacuumed floors.

I’ll never be the perfect spouse. God made each of us in a very specific way, and none of it was by accident. Our talents, preferences, and strengths were all blended together for Him to use for His purpose. Not our own. And while all the ways we fall short can look like a big fat disappointment to our human eyes, God sees them as opportunities for us to rely more fully on Him. And He does not fall short.

What’s Your Story?

1. How do you envision the perfect spouse? Are any of these characteristics not realistic?
2. What unrealistic pressures are you placing on yourself? How can you let these go?
3. Are you placing any similar pressures on your spouse? Do you need to ask their forgiveness for any too-high expectations you have of them?

Pray Together:

Read over 2 Corinthians 3:5 again. Pray for His help in loving your spouse well. Ask Him to help you remember being a good spouse is something you cannot do on your own, but through Him. Pray that you would not hold yourself or your spouse to expectations you cannot meet.