Day 6: No Matter the Distance

by Lisa Lakey

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.—1 Corinthians 13:7

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t know about that.

For most of our marriage, my husband’s career has required some level of travel. Sometimes it isn’t for long … an overnight stay once or twice a month. Other times, he’ll be home for only a day or two before heading off again. We’ve made adjustments to adhere to this schedule over the years, and now, it’s just become part of life for us. Instead of dreading the time apart, I’ve learned to focus on the joy of his return.

But it wasn’t always this way.

When our first child was barely three months old, Josh went on a trip to Oklahoma for two weeks. We had never been apart for more than a weekend since we were dating, and I was anxious at the idea of staying home alone with a newborn. I’m kind of a wimp, so I didn’t like being alone at night. (This is still true.) To make things worse, he worked long, busy days, and we often only spoke for a few minutes each night.

When the two weeks were down to one, I was so excited for him to come home. I planned his favorite meal and welcomed him with open arms the moment he walked through the door. But then something happened I hadn’t expected. Bitterness and a bit of animosity crept into my heart. He talked about how tired he was from the work and sleeping away from home (I should have loved that part, right?). My selfishness overcame me and instead of feeling empathy, I thought, You’re tired? Try spending two weeks cuddling a colicky newborn all night.

When one spouse is away often, it can be easy to compare loads—both physically and emotionally. What I couldn’t realize back then was that he would have gladly traded places with me. Being away from your spouse, home, or kids for so long is no easy task. And while I pictured a glamorous trip of adult conversation, dinners at swanky restaurants, and restful nights without newborn feedings or diaper changes, his reality was somewhat different. More along the lines of outside in freezing temps, sharing a room with a guy that snores, and the McDonald’s drive-thru.

I’ve learned that, if I let it, absence will not make my heart grow fonder for my spouse. Instead, it will pull us apart. Staying close no matter the miles takes work.

Maybe your spouse doesn’t travel. Maybe the distance is a result of caring for an aging parent, hectic family schedules, or finishing that degree in night school. All these things cause physical distance from our spouses and can result in emotional distance as well. When things get tough, it can be so easy to check out. But for our marriage to thrive, we both have to be committed to making our marriage, and each other, a priority no matter the distance.

Here are a few things that have helped us remain close even when life tries to pull us apart (be it in miles or emotional distance):

Check in often. Send a quick message to your spouse when you get to the office to tell her you’re thinking of her. Leave him a sticky note on his coffee cup for the morning, or call him on your lunch break. My point is, be intentional about keeping connected to your spouse in little ways. They add up.

Talk about how you are feeling. Guys, I know how much you love all the mushy, share-your-feelings conversations with your wives, but do both of you a favor. Do it anyway. Negative feelings are like mold; they thrive in dark, hidden places.

Pray for your spouse and your marriage. If one of you has a crazy schedule, it can be hard to find time to pray together. Don’t let that stop you from praying for your spouse and your marriage. It’s amazing what God can do with even the craziest schedules. Just ask Him.

Make the most of your time together. On the days you have together, make plans. Use that calendar to block out time to sip coffee on the deck, have a romantic meal, or just lounge around the house in your pajamas (or less, no judgment here). And be mindful of distractions: cell phones, kids, TV, etc. This time is just for the two of you.

Our schedules don’t always allow for my husband and me to be in the same room, town, or even state at times. But my dedication to him is always present. We know that while we don’t have to enjoy the time apart, the reunion will be sweet. And neither of us are willing to let anything stand in the way of that, no matter the miles.

What’s your story?

1. What are some things causing distance in your marriage?
2. Does your spouse’s schedule make you harbor ill feelings toward them? How can you voice this in a loving way?
3. Look over the next month’s calendar together. Mark two to three days just for the two of you to reconnect. Request these days off from work if need be.

Pray Together:

Read over 1 Corinthians 13:7 together with your spouse. Pray for God to help you endure any distance (physical or emotional) in your marriage. Ask for His help in keeping the two of you close despite miles, schedules, or circumstances.