How to Avoid Being an Unavailable Father

Homer Simpson.

George Bluth, Sr.

Michael Corleone.

Darth Vader.

Pop culture is full of examples of dads who, let’s just say, could use a bit of help in the fatherhood department. While it’s easy to laugh at their doh!-level missteps, too many kids could testify that the reality of an unavailable father is no joke.

Being an involved, present father is essential for kids’ well-being and development: “positive father engagement is associated with … higher ratings of self-control and better stress tolerance.” Though far from easy—especially in light of multiple obligations—creating a strong emotional connection with kids is a vital responsibility for a lasting legacy.  

Try these six strategies to avoid becoming an unavailable father.

Fatherhood is a dynamic and deeply personal journey—with significant responsibility.

Emotional availability involves the capacity to connect with your children on a heart level, providing an environment of trust and openness for them to express their feelings and thoughts. When your teenager misses curfew (again) and didn’t check in as asked, holding your temper and tongue can go a long way in fostering trust; it’s possible they had a legitimate excuse!

When we are open and accepting toward our kids, recognizing and respecting their unique personalities, interests, and perspectives, we allow them to be themselves. And we build a strong bond fostering communication, security, and resilience. Positive father engagement has been linked to better child health, self-esteem, and social skills. Because of this, emotionally engaged dads also offer kids the best chances to succeed as thriving adults.

On the other hand, children of an emotionally unavailable father may struggle with forming healthy relationships later in life and find difficulties in regulating their emotions. They sometimes experience abandonment, rejection, and low self-esteem—heavy, yet preventable, burdens for any child or adult.

Being an unavailable father isn’t always about outright neglect. It isn’t just about not provoking your children to anger (Ephesians 6:4). It can be in your dismissing or minimizing your child’s feelings, avoiding emotional conversations, and refusing to take accountability or responsibility for your own emotional outbursts.

Recognizing your emotional inaccessibility is your first step toward making positive change. The awareness created by self-reflection, prayer, and mentoring can help us become more present and engaged in our children’s lives, earning the right to be invited into their lives.

Fathers have a crucial opportunity to foster their children’s emotional well-being and overall development through strong, lifelong connections.

Create a safe space for communication. Listen without immediately trying to solve a problem (“it’s not about the nail,” right?). Be patient and understanding when your child shares about excluding the weird new kid in class or hogging the basketball during recess. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). When your teenager confesses their shenanigans during last night’s sleepover party, hear them out before criticizing, judging, or correcting.  

Prioritize quality time. Whether playing catch in the backyard, firing up your favorite video games, or reading bedtime stories together, shared experiences create cherished memories and reinforce your bond. Plan activities everyone enjoys and make them a regular part of your routine.

Hang up and hang out. It’s easy to get caught up in the pace of work or screens, that leaky faucet or tilting stack of mail—and they don’t go away when you toss your keys on the dining table.

So, put away your device when spending time with your child, offering your undivided attention. Invite them to a few games of Rocket League. Leave work early to catch their after-school baseball game. Put together that Lego set that’s been sitting in the closet.

 Consistent presence and full engagement are the clearest demonstrations of your love and commitment.

“Emotional intelligence” might sound trendy. But it forms a lifelong foundation for kids of understanding and managing feelings, modeling healthy expression, and inviting expression of their emotion.

This kind of emotional awareness takes work and self-reflection—requiring identification of (and taking responsibility for) our own destructive emotional patterns. But the payoff is significant: You’re demonstrating the ability to navigate emotions and relationships healthily.

Too often, dads who feel angry, ashamed, or afraid choose to yell, shame, or belittle their kids. When we react like this, we’re not exploring the true reasons for those feelings nor responsibly resolving them without harm.

Instead, acknowledging our own emotions and their impact helps us self-regulate and avoid transferring unresolved issues to our kids.  

What are the best memories and experiences you had with your own father figure? What did they do right?

What patterns do you hope never to repeat?

Reflecting on the influence of our father figures can be a powerful starting point toward becoming available fathers.  

While daunting, understanding your past, including difficult childhood experiences and traumas, is crucial to breaking free from unhealthy patterns. It’s your ticket to building the fulfilling relationships your kids deserve.

Not only that, but seeking support and guidance from pastors, counselors, therapists, or mentors can provide a neutral perspective and help us see truth we might miss: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).  

Generational patterns like avoiding emotion, lacking empathy and validation, and communicating negatively—like yelling or withdrawing—weren’t built overnight and won’t break overnight. Still, with courage, a commitment to change, powerful examples from mentors, and help from the Holy Spirit, we can become the available fathers we aspire to be.

Work demands can pull us away from where we want to be—with our families at the dinner table, reading a bedtime story, taking that well-deserved, unplanned three-day vacation. There’s always one more email, a Zoom call that goes too long (and could have been an email), or a conversation with a co-worker about their behavior at a meeting (… definitely should have been an email). Prioritization isn’t just about providing financially, but emotionally and spiritually, too—through presence and time.

Set boundaries and priorities. Birthdays, holidays, and family vacations can and should assume precedence over work whenever possible. Firmly communicate and protect these boundaries with your employer and colleagues. Even those tough conversations are an investment worth making toward dedicated, distraction-free time for our families.

Amidst work demands, protect regular time for family. Despite the best intentions, work can encroach on family time. So create lasting, connecting memories by intentionally scheduling regular activities or outings—it can be as simple as having dinner together every evening, getting outside for a walk, bike ride, or football-toss, or planning a fun day trip to that city you’ve always wanted to visit.

Find work-life integration strategies. Rather than thinking of work and family life as separate entities, aim for integration. Consider flexible working arrangements that allow you to show up for important family events.

Even when physically apart, use technology to connect with your family through a quick video call during a lunch break. Establish daily rituals that put work aside, like reading bedtime stories or having dinner together.

Parenting can be overwhelming and challenging, and it’s essential to address our stress or emotional burdens not unlike we prioritize physical health. Engaging in self-care like exercise, hobbies, or meditating on Scripture can help you recharge and maintain the healthy mindset you need when your toddler surprises you with make-up caked on their face.

Finding community resources and support groups through your local church can offer valuable insights and encouragement. Connecting with other dads with similar experiences and values in your church or neighborhood allows you to share struggles, gain perspective, and develop a vital support system.

Professional guidance from a therapist, counselor, or pastor may also be necessary for personalized strategies with complex emotions, stress, and obstacles.

Finding help and support is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of incredible strength! It’s an act of courage to admit we need help and to take the steps necessary to become the best fathers we can be.

Being a dad is about being present, not perfect. Even nuclear-accident-waiting-to-happen Homer Simpson has been consistently showing up since 1989. With hard work, good support, and a lot of prayer, we can be the emotionally available dads our kids need.

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Sam Hoover is a Colorado dad of three amazing kids who is working to ditch emotional unavailability one awkward conversation at a time.