How To Create a Christ-Centered Family Culture

Before we had kids, my husband and I had the opportunity to see our pastor’s family up close. We were in their home often for small groups and hangouts, and we saw they lived differently than other families we knew.

The parents loved being with their kids—and vice-versa. They weren’t driven by the machine of the culture around them, with every spare minute filled with activities. Instead, they had lots of family time and church-family time. They had family mottos and vision, which even the littlest kids in the family knew by heart. And they invited others into their home warmly—ourselves included. The more we got to know this family, the more we realized their thriving family culture stemmed from centering their identity in Christ rather than in what they did or accomplished.

When Michael and I had kids, we knew we wanted to cultivate a similar culture in our own home, and we wanted to do it intentionally. But we also came to see that creating a thriving family culture centered on Christ starts with first being people whose personal identity is grounded in the Lord alone.

The human heart is bent on measuring ourselves up against others to try and feel better. We want to compare ourselves to others in our profession to see where we land, or we’re tempted to determine how we rank next to other parents or neighbors. Are we involved enough? Friendly enough? Accomplished enough? I even feel the temptation to mentally rank my kids against the academics and behavior of other kids. I want a straightforward way to determine whether I’m doing OK or doing enough. I long for something concrete to put my identity in to know where I stand in the world.

All of us face opportunities to wrongly place our value in our external roles, and if you’re anything like me, those temptations often fall into the categories of work, parenting, and even the achievements of our children.

Christ over our work identity

When I meet someone new, the first question I’m often asked is, “What do you do?” In our culture, asking someone where they work is not only a way to get to know them, but also a way to categorize the other person. Is he climbing the corporate ladder? Is she at the top of her professional career? How much money and power does this person have? Is he rich? Is she significant in the world?

It’s not surprising, then, that defining ourselves by our work is so easy to do. It comes naturally to say, “I’m a teacher,” or, “I’m a manager,” and to think of our identity in terms of what we spend most of our waking hours doing.

But the gospel offers us a different way to identify ourselves. The Apostle Paul—who had a laundry list of accomplishments and job titles that would have wowed any other first-century Jewish person—said the titles he carried didn’t define him. In fact, after coming to Christ, although Paul can offer an impressive list of his earthly “reasons for such confidence,” he is quick to point out they mean little in light of Christ:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in [a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. (Philippians 3:7-9 NIV)

To Paul, knowing Christ Jesus and being made righteous by faith in Christ was the greatest treasure. And it was also the lens through which he viewed himself. All of the earthly titles and accolades were worthless to him compared to knowing and following Jesus.

Do we have family cultures that reflect this? Do we have conversations in our homes about the immeasurable treasure of knowing and following Jesus over and above everything else? If not, it’s not too late! Read these verses together, talk about it over dinner or in the car, and start shaping a family culture that values Jesus above any role, work, or worldly title.

Does this mean that the Lord doesn’t value our work? Not at all! We’re told to do our work—whatever it is—with excellence and for the Lord (Colossians 3:23). But we’re not to let our work define our value or identity. We are to let Jesus define who we are and the value we carry—which sets us free to do our daily work well but not put our identity in it.

When we model this for our children—diligence in our work without placing our value in our job—we offer them the chance to see that Christ is the one who defines us. This helps create consistency and joy in the home that doesn’t change when a promotion or job loss occurs.

Christ over our parenting and the accomplishments of our children

There’s another identity trap waiting for us: to identify ourselves by our role as parents. Perhaps when someone asks you what you do, you say you’re a stay-at-home mom, you’re volunteering in the PTA, or you’re homeschooling your kids.

Being a parent is a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3-5), and our children are a blessing from Him! But, like other blessings we have been given, we are not meant to center our identity around our children. And yet it’s common in our culture to identify ourselves by this particular role: we’re a “boy mom” or a “soccer mom;” a “girl dad,” or a “coach dad.” These titles, fun as they are, aren’t really the problem—it’s what is behind those titles that can be more insidious. If we start to see our primary identity as parents, we can also start to elevate our children to an unhealthy place of idolization in our lives.

Nestling our identity in our children is often intertwined with the accomplishments and activities of our kids—thus the term “soccer mom.” We experience a certain thrill as parents when our kids perform well, whether in academics, sports, the arts, or something else. We want our children to thrive in this world, and we want to give them every opportunity to succeed, but when their activities, trophies, and awards become more important to us than their relationship with Christ, things have gotten out of order. The culture in the home has probably become more focused on performance than on presence and more focused on activities than on connection.

How many of us don’t balk at missing church on Sunday for a sports tournament but would push back if the same tournament was held during school hours? If we’re so invested in our kids’ activities and accomplishments that we’re willing to push everything else to the side to pursue those things, we need to re-evaluate where we’re placing our identity … and what we’re teaching our children about where their identity comes from.

Prioritizing Jesus

If we want to build a thriving family culture that keeps the Lord at the center of our hearts, it starts with us, as parents, prioritizing Jesus and centering our identity and value in Him rather than in what we do or participate in.

Because the truth is, outside of Christ, there are countless ways we can try to piece together our value and identity based on what we do. But none of them will satisfy us. If we’re chasing after the accolades of this world, our kids will see parents who are constantly anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed.

Instead, we can turn to Jesus, the One who clearly defines our identity when we come to Him in repentance and faith: “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).

As God’s children, we are loved not for what we (or our kids) accomplish, how well we parent, or what we spend our work hours doing. We are loved because we are His very own, His beloved.

From that place of belovedness, we have the opportunity to cultivate a family culture that stems from rejoicing in our worth in Christ over and above everything else. We don’t have to chase after the next trophy or promotion to prove ourselves, nor do our kids. We can enjoy being together without having to fill every moment with another chance to earn our way in the world. We can open our homes to others even when our homes aren’t perfect (and when the people inside that home aren’t perfect, either). And we can rest, together, because Christ has done the hardest work of saving us so that we can know and love Him—and the precious family He’s entrusted to us.

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Copyright © 2024 by Ann Swindell. All rights reserved.

Ann writes stories that point to Christ’s presence in our day-to-day lives and the hope that He brings to our hearts. She’s the author of multiple books—including her newest novel, Christmas in the Castle Library—and a contributing and a contributing writer to ministries such as The Gospel Coalition, FamilyLife, and Risen Motherhood. After years in academia, Ann founded Writing with Grace, where she teaches Christ-centered writing courses for women. She lives in West Michigan, where she enjoys adventuring with her family, usually with a mug of Earl Grey tea in hand.