Go Back to All Parenting Challenges Resources A mother with a tired and sad countenance sits in their home next to her teenage son who holds his head in his hand while looking down to the floor, as they talk about how to overcome anxiety he is experiencing.

Parenting Challenges

Brooke Wilson

Anxiety in Children: 4 Things To Know

“I wanna come home,” I said with a shaky, tear-filled voice. This was a frequent call my mom would receive when I was at a sleepover. As nighttime approached, so did my separation anxiety.

This is a common struggle with anxiety in children. Whether it is generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, social anxiety, etc., oftentimes parents don’t know the “right” thing to do in those situations. What about when your child lashes out, and you react in a way that leaves you feeling like you’re an awful parent? (Don’t worry, you aren’t, you’re just human.)

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Anxiety in children: what to know

In a FamilyLife Today® podcast, David Thomas and Sissy Goff share how children experience the intensity of emotions through their parents’ behaviors. Good or bad, for parents, it’s a long game of asking, “How can I pay more attention to my emotions and how I respond to my children, so that I’m not living out of blind spots?”

It starts with learning that anxiety looks different for every child, and to reflect Jesus toward our children, we need to check the posture of our own hearts and minds.

Here are four things to know about anxiety in children, and how to navigate these spaces parents:

1. Be responsive, not reactive.

Screaming at your kids doesn’t actually help in most situations. Imagine this: Your child thought the cap was on the marker before they started to etch blue scribbles onto your kitchen table. They anxiously approach you, the marker in hand, unsure what to do. What’s your first reaction? Is it to yell at them for being careless? Most importantly, in this moment of anxiety, your child needs love, care, safety, and protection. Conversely, abrasive words, “tough love,” or punishment can communicate to them that they are a burden or that their emotions are invalid.

2. All behavior is communication.

Thomas and Goff speak about how “everything that’s happening with anxiety in children, in terms of acting out, is trying to tell us something that they need from us in those moments.” It could mean a hug, encouragement, moving to a quieter space, or needing a listening ear.

There is nothing more comforting (even as an adult) than a hug from your mom or dad in moments that feel overwhelming.

A way to find out what your child needs could look like getting down to their eye level and saying this: “Honey, I can tell you’re starting to get upset.” Or, “I can tell you are getting frustrated right now. I want you to take three really deep breaths with me.” This is an opportunity to help your child add good coping strategies to their anxious moments toolbox.

3. Regulate first, talk second.

Instead of jumping in to be our child’s savior, learning to co-regulate with your children can actually do more healing than you realize.

Children can’t make good connections between what is reasonable and what isn’t if their thinking brain is not online. So, in order for all that to happen, we have to regulate first as parents.

Demonstrating regulation is for both of you. Run laps around the house, listen to peaceful music, or go to counseling. Do the necessary work so that when your child comes to you with anxious thoughts, you can be the best version of yourself to bring out the best version of them.

4. Discipline should happen last.

Discipline is designed for teaching, not for punishment. At the core, we want our kids to know and experience at a heart level that they’re loved and safe, especially in anxious moments.

When you notice anxiety in children, it’s possible you want to just fix, fix, fix, or discipline, discipline, discipline. As parents, that’s our innate response. There are times for discipline, sure, but in the moments where anxiety is spiraling around in your child’s head, the discipline can take a back seat (for now).

No parent is perfect; no child is perfect. Thankfully, we do serve a perfect God who has felt all of the feelings we do. His Son, Jesus, felt anxiety when He knew His time had come, knowing He would give His life for the broken world around Him. In Matthew 26:38, Jesus talks about being overwhelmed (with sorrow) about what was to come. God was with Him in that moment, and that same God is with you and your anxious child.

Interested in reading more? Check out “Anxiety is Real. So Is God.,” a free devotional to help you navigate the complexity of anxiety and how God meets you in it.

Brooke Wilson is a content writer, editor, and digital designer for FamilyLife. She serves remotely in Greenville, South Carolina. She and her husband, Perry, have an adorable baby boy named Parker. You’ll often find her at a coffee shop with a friend or on a hike, bringing their chocolate lab, Willow, along for the adventure.