During her interview on FamilyLife Today®, Karis Kimmel Murray describes the “Murray Family Code.” She and her husband developed these rules to emphasize practical and biblical expectations for how family members will live and treat each other. Click here to read an excerpt from her book, Grace Based Discipline.
Rule #1: Forgive. Be quick to seek, grant, and accept forgiveness.
Rule #2: Be Brave. Face your fears, especially when it’s what’s required to do the hard, but right, thing.*
Rule #3: Be Kind. Treat other people like the treasure they are to God.*
Rule #4: Keep Your Promises. Be careful not to overcommit, but once you’ve made a promise, keep your word.*
Rule #5: Work Hard. Always put your best effort behind what you do.*
Rule #6: Help Others. Whether family, friends, teammates, coworkers, teachers, or neighbors, look for people who need help, then give it.*
Rule #7: Never Give Up. Never give up on people or relationships. When a task seems too hard, stick with it and ask for help.*
Rule #8: Trust God. Believe that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.*
Rule #9: Tell the Truth. Always tell the truth, no matter how hard it is to tell. Staying silent when you know the truth is the same as lying.*
Rule #10: Live Authentically. Be the same person in the dark as you are in the light.*
Most of my life I’ve had nearly perfect eyesight. I’ve also largely taken it for granted.
A while back, I started getting bad headaches at the end of most days. At night, especially while driving, I had a harder time with depth perception and I noticed that light seemed streaky in my peripheral vision.
I went for an eye exam since it’d been a few years. (Okay, it had been six years when I looked at my medical file. Kids are why we can’t have nice things, like brain cells, anymore.)
I went to one of those retail centers where you can get your eyes examined and your frames and eyeglass prescription filled at the same time. A technician used a series of machines to test my eyes. (Raise your hand if you want to vote the “puff test machine” off the island.)
After the technician used the thingamajigs, the doctor brought me into a room with the lab results, put a series of lenses in front of my eyes, and asked me, “Which is clearer? This? Or that?” Somehow, based on my answers, the doctor wrote me a prescription.
All I’d ever needed before were weak reading glasses. The prescription this doctor wrote was wildly different than anything I’d ever been prescribed. She wanted to correct for both near- and farsightedness as well as astigmatism, a diagnosis no other eye doctor had ever given me. Also, I’d have to wear these glasses all the time. Like a grown-up!
I wanted another opinion. In the course of a month, I went for two more eye exams. Each doctor’s prescription was different.
One told me I needed only reading glasses to correct my farsightedness (even though he said I’m both near- and farsighted) because he felt reading and using the computer were causing my eyes the most strain. The other wanted to correct both my near and farsightedness with bifocals. Neither doctor said anything about astigmatism.
I was starting to feel as if they were just guessing.
It was time to enlist a friend who had been an optician. I brought my exam charts to her one afternoon and supervised our kids in the backyard while she looked over everything.
I asked her to use small words to explain to me what was going on. She said different types of eye doctors use different ways of notating prescriptions, like different languages. But even once she’d translated and compared them, there was still a significant difference in the prescriptions each doctor wrote. What were consistent were my lab results. All three labs measured my near- and farsightedness as nearly identical. All three labs showed me as having astigmatism.
“So why the different prescriptions?” I said.
“Well,” she said, “Measuring people’s eyes and diagnosing vision deficiencies has gotten very precise with modern diagnostic tools and technology, but prescribing isn’t an exact science. It relies on the doctor’s clinical experience, instincts, and the way you respond to his ‘this or that’ questions when he tries out lenses on you.”
This wasn’t building my confidence in the process. “So three different doctors had basically the same information about my eyes, but they all took a different approach to correcting my vision?”
“That’s the ‘practicing’ part of the term ‘practicing medicine,’” she quipped.
“Which prescription should I go with?” I asked.
“Just pick the doctor you felt best about, fill the prescription, and see how you like your glasses after a few weeks. With a good prescription, you’ll see well enough that you won’t think about your vision anymore.”
“So, I’m not going to achieve perfection here?”
“Nope. We can’t perfectly correct vision with artificial lenses, but we can get close enough that the distortion doesn’t distract you anymore… at least not while you’re wearing your glasses.”
Imperfect lenses
As parents, we are the first lenses through which our kids see God.
The way we parent our kids can have a profound impact on how they view God. As my friend said, prescribing isn’t an exact science and different parents will have different approaches, but the ideal is that we don’t create a distracting amount of distortion in how our kids see God, and the best way we know how to do that is by parenting our kids the way God parents us.
Parenting (and disciplining) our kids the way God does requires that we see our Father for who He really is. It’s hard to copy a picture you can’t see.
Unfortunately, the way many parents were parented themselves gave them a distorted view of God. None of us has perfect parents, though in my opinion mine are the best, and many of you might say the same of yours. But if your parents were misguided in their approach, or worse, absent, abusive, or neglectful in their treatment of you, it’s tainted the bonds between you that are supposed to be a representation of God’s love.
That’s why it’s good news that no matter what kind of lenses your earthly parents are (even if they’re amazing), and no matter how distorted our kids’ lenses are (that’s us), God is still the same. How crisply we see Him or how distorted our view of Him is as a result of our lenses—those things haven’t changed His character; they’ve only affected how we see.
God loved you before the world was formed, and the fact that He still loves you after all you’ve done might seem unbelievable based on the impression you got from your own parents. That you are offered the full measure of God’s favor and His grace regardless of what you do or don’t do might seem all but insane based on distorted lenses and what we know of our human capacity for love and forgiveness.
We are image-bearers of God, which is why we have any capacity for love and forgiveness, but we eventually come up against our own limitations. Yet God’s love, favor, kindness, forgiveness, holiness, knowledge, and grace have no limits.
The best news as children of earthly parents, and now as parents as ourselves, is that God’s love covers a multitude of mistakes (1 Peter 4:8), whether those mistakes are our parents’, our kids’, or our own.
If we will accept it, God’s grace serves as the self-healing mechanism for our inadequate lenses when we fail at love, forgiveness, and grace itself. His grace can make us into good-enough lenses:
When we remind ourselves that our kids are uniquely created by God, that even though they’re (sometimes adorable) little sinners, they’re also unconditionally loved and favored by God…
When we realize that God is not a cosmic scorekeeper but that Jesus settled the score on the cross…
When we comprehend that sin has already been punished and paid for on the cross and God isn’t trying to get even with us when we sin but offers grace-based discipline that is for our good…
When we remember God loves us and our kids exactly as we are, but He also loves us too much to let us stay that way…
When we understand that we were, and still are, children just like our kids and even the best earthly parents pale in comparison to our heavenly Father…
…then we’ll have a clearer picture of who God has always been. That helps us become the best possible lens through which our kids see God. It helps our kids focus more on their hope and forget about their artificial, imperfect, but hopefully good-enough lenses.
In case you’re wondering, I went with the first doctor’s prescription. I have bifocals that correct for astigmatism. I even have a pair of sunglasses too. I have to act like a big girl and wear them all the time.
Parents, here’s what God has called you to: He has called you to be His first responders in the lives of your children. The fireman who willingly runs into a burning building or the EMT who runs up the stairs to assist a man who has just had a heart attack is on a mission of mercy. Being a first responder is always motivated by the combination of an awareness of need and compassionate desire to help.
You are God’s first responders, called to run in with help when your child is in danger because of burning desire or an attack of temptation. That first responder is not there to lecture, judge, or condemn, but to provide the rescue that is needed but that the person cannot give to himself. First responders willingly expend their time and energy day after day on missions of mercy.
God calls us as parents to live with the heart of a first responder, ready to run toward difficulty to provide, rescue, protect, help, and heal. You have not been called to be a bystander or a critic, but to be an agent of rescue. First responders don’t take the needs of others personally, and they don’t get mad that their day has been interrupted. They know what they are trained to do, and they are ready and willing to do it each time the need arises.
So it is with us as parents; every day that you have with your children will provide you with another set of opportunities to go out on another mission of mercy. Every day you will be called into action to meet needs that your children can’t meet on their own. Yes, parenting really is a lifelong mission of mercy, so let’s consider what that looks like.
Look for every opportunity to shower your children with grace.
Remember that the law of God has the power to expose the sin in your child’s heart and the law is a wonderful guide for your child’s living, but it has no power at all to rescue, transform, or deliver your child. As a parent you have to daily resist asking the law to do what only grace is able to produce.
So you have not only been called to introduce the law to your children, but to be a constant model of God’s grace in their life as well. Grant them the grace of compassion, the grace of tenderness, the grace of acceptance, the grace of loving wisdom, the grace of tender love, the grace of kind instruction, the grace of gentle discipline, the grace of perseverance, and the grace of fresh starts and new beginnings.
And as you do these things, remember that grace is not about calling wrong right, because if wrong were right grace would not be needed. No, grace moves toward wrong, not to condemn, but to rescue, restore, help, and forgive.
Be careful to help your children see the heart behind the behavior.
You must never forget that the mission of mercy you are on as you parent your children does not target just their behavior, but also what forms and shapes their behavior: the heart. Anytime anyone is helped to see his heart, and in seeing his heart, to own his need, he is experiencing God’s mercy.
Asking your child what he was thinking and feeling, what he was wanting, or what he was seeking to accomplish gets him to examine his heart even for a brief moment. As you do this over and over again, day after day, your child grows in heart awareness. And his growing heart awareness gives the Holy Spirit an opportunity to work conviction into his heart and a desire for help and change.
You have to work to remind yourself that the mission of mercy you’ve been sent on by God is seldom an event and almost always an extended process. You won’t have your first heart conversation with your son or daughter and have them say, “Mom, I get it. I have sin in my heart and my heart is ruled by things that shouldn’t rule it and I need rescue and forgiveness. Where can I find the Redeemer?” That just won’t happen.
God has called you to a process of many mini-moments of insight that lead to many mini-moments of change. You must be patiently willing to have similar heart conversations again and again, praying each time that God would do in the heart of your son or daughter what you could never do.
Point your kids every day to Jesus.
Because the only true hope and help for your child is found in the person, work, presence, and grace of the Redeemer, Jesus Christ, you must introduce your children to Him early in their lives and look for opportunities every day to talk about His wisdom, power, sovereignty, love, and grace.
Talk about why it was necessary for Jesus to live the life He lived, die the death He died, and rise again conquering death. Talk about how Jesus purchased their acceptance with God because they could never earn it on their own. Talk about how Jesus delivers them from sin, because they could never escape it on their own. Talk of how, if they come to Him for help, He will never turn them away. Talk about how much you need to grace of Jesus every day.
Every time you discipline or correct your children, talk about their spiritual need and how it is met by the person and work of Jesus. Don’t let a day go by without your children somehow, someway hearing the beautiful truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ once again.
The mission of mercy you’ve been sent on as a parent has the gospel at its center. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the ultimate rescue mission.
God enables you to do what you can’t do on your own.
God has called you to be an essential part of His mission of rescue of the children He has given you. But He doesn’t ask you to do what you can’t do. So He blesses you with His presence, power, wisdom, and grace. He faithfully parents you, so that by His faithful grace you can faithfully parent your children.
In every moment of parenting, the wise heavenly Father is working on everybody in the room. You are blessed to be chosen to go on the mission of missions, and you are blessed with His grace so that every day your parenting would be dyed with the most powerful force of change in the universe: mercy.
Paul David Tripp talks honestly about parenting children with the love, wisdom, and mercy that only God can provide on a recent FamilyLife Today® broadcast. And his book, Parenting, presents us with a big-picture view of God’s plan for us as parents: that we need more than the latest parenting strategy or list of techniques. Rather, we need the rescuing grace of God—grace that has the power to shape how we view everything we do as parents.
A story recently circulated on social media about a little girl and a doll. After selecting a doll and taking it to the front of the toy store to pay, the cashier asked the girl if she was sure that was really the doll she wanted. The little girl responded with an emphatic “yes!” The cashier protested, “But she doesn’t look like you.” The little girl replied, “Yes, she does! She’s a doctor, I’m a doctor! She’s a pretty girl, and I’m a pretty girl.”
The cashier saw only the difference in skin color. The little girl saw the more meaningful similarities.
The little girl got it right.
Most children do not regard outward appearances the way adults do or give credence to stereotypes. Generally speaking, children accept people who are different from themselves. But even if they don’t, they can be taught to value the dignity of all people.
The poem “Children Learn What They Live,” written by Dorothy Law Nolte in 1954, speaks to the powerful influence a child’s environment has on the way he or she treats other people. It states, for instance, that “If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.”[1] Likewise, if children live with bigotry, they learn to hate.
As parents, we should think carefully about what we are teaching our children about valuing all people, about how we are—or aren’t—modeling an attitude of love and respect toward all God’s image bearers. But let’s be honest, we can only teach our children to value all people if we value all people. And we will only truly model what we believe.
Here are some biblical truths that emphasize the value of all people. These give context for your own outlook as well as issues you want your children to understand.
God created the entire human race. Though we are a diversity of tribes, nations, languages, and families, we are one race with one common ancestor. The Bible says, “He himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth” (Acts 17:25-26). Every man, woman, and child was created in the image of God (see Genesis 1:27).
God loves all people equally. Jesus didn’t come into the world to die for only one ethnic group or for certain types of people. He gave His life for all. The Bible tells us, “He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:2). God paid the ultimate price of His own Son’s life to ransom people for Himself “from every tribe and language and people and nation” (Revelation 5:9).
God is love. Any form of hatred, bigotry, feelings of superiority, or indifference toward others is sin. Hate is a complete contradiction of God’s character and hinders one’s ability to even know Him. First John 4:7-8 says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
With a heart of humility and love, we can teach our children to value all people. Here are four things we should keep in mind as we seek to influence our children in this way:
1. See people through God’s eyes. “And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). Every human being, without exception, is “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God (Psalm 139:14). Appreciate the beauty of God’s diverse creation. Resist making judgments based on outward appearance, which reveals nothing about a person’s heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7).
2. Practice Humility. To consider oneself better than another goes against what God expects of His children. Instead, we are to consider others as better than ourselves and to care about their interests as well as our own (see Philippians 2:3-4). This means that we are to acknowledge the sinful inclination of our own souls, that we are no less a sinner in need of God’s mercy than any other. Additionally, we are to care about the interests of others, including the suffering and injustices they endure, even when we are not directly affected.
3. Reject stereotypes. It’s impossible to assign a skill, ability, or behavior to an entire group of people. There are black people who couldn’t shoot a ball through the hoop if they tried. And there are white people who have rhythm and some pretty great dance moves! Every ethnic group is made up of unique individuals. Get to know people for yourself.
4.Focus on the commonalities. As humans, we have more in common than we have differences. Most significantly, we are all created equally in the image of God (Genesis 1:27, 5:1, James 3:9) and we are all in desperate need of the Savior. “As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one” (Romans 3:10).
Christians share a common identity in Christ which takes precedence over ethnicity and every other difference that tends to divide us. John Piper explains, “All believers in Jesus Christ, of every ethnic group, are united to each other, not only in common humanity in the image of God, but even more, as brothers and sisters in Christ and members of the same body.” [2] Additionally, we have the same mission: to make disciples of all men (see Matthew 18-20).
God has a diverse family—by design and for His glory. We must learn to dwell together in unity (see Psalm 133:1). Pray for one another. Encourage one another. And above all, love one another. Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).
Our children will know, too, and will live what they learn.
Let’s take a quick inventory. You’re going to spend at least 18 years raising each one of your kids. Before they finally slip over the horizon for good, you’re going to lose a lot of sleep, spend a couple of truck loads of money, put some serious wear and tear on your body, and shed a puddle or two of tears. What do you hope happens? What do you want to see as the result of all of your efforts?
If we’re followers of Christ, the next thing out of our mouth is usually some noble statement about our children growing up to have a tender heart for God (or words of equal spiritual significance). But when the actual targets of our parenting priorities are scrutinized, what often shows up is the harsh reality that although we are followers of Christ, we are also products of a very compelling Western mindset.
It’s a philosophy that worships success and measures a person’s significance by how well they embody its superficial and arbitrary standards. It’s a worldview that is both intoxicating and contagious. Without realizing it, well-intended parents can easily find themselves repeating its mantra as they aim their kids at the future.
Our culture’s definition of success
I call it the “success trap.” It’s easy to get sucked into as a parent … even if you’re serious about your faith. If I could synthesize the typical goals of parents formatted by our culture’s definition of success, they would sound something like this:
“I hope my child ends up with a good job.”
And what’s a good job?
“One that pays well.”
Parents become convinced that without the ability to make a significant amount of money, their children have little chance of a happy future. This, therefore, is the first priority of the success trap: wealth.
Okay, what else?
“I hope they marry someone who looks pretty good in the Christmas photos … someone who is easy to gaze at when you wake up in the morning … someone who can help them make great-looking grandchildren.”
Thus the second priority of the success trap: beauty.
What else? Parents often wish their children could assume some command over their destiny, and control the bulk of the forces that surround them. Which is the third priority of the success trap: power.
Anything else?
“Yes, I’d love to see them get some recognition for all of their hard-earned efforts.”
Ah, yes, the final priority of the success trap: fame.
The true impact of our values
The average parent may not articulate these priorities in such a succinct way. But that doesn’t overwrite the true impact of the values we accentuate whether we want to admit them or not. Our true priorities are seldom what we say they are, but rather what we emphasize when we’re mentoring our children through the daily challenges of their lives.
The things that are truly important to us often slip out between the seams of our conversations with the folks back home or over a latte with a friend at Starbucks:
“He’s captain of the wrestling team.”
“She’s president of the student body.”
“He got a 1400 on his SAT.”
“She’s going to a Division I school.”
“His fiancé looks like Jessica Alba.”
“She’s got a full ride to Stanford.”
“He has three different Fortune 500 companies chasing after him.”
Is there anything wrong with being proud of our children’s accomplishments?
Of course not. While we’re at it, is there anything fundamentally wrong with wealth, beauty, power, and fame? Not a bit … unless you need any of these things to feel significant or complete.
Those who measure themselves by these four standards will never be content. But more important, they’re going to miss a huge opportunity to live the life God meant for them to live.
A better measurement
If a Christian parent is preoccupied with aiming their children at success, there are three things they need to know:
These four standards of success aren’t the ones outlined in the Bible. God places no value on wealth, beauty, power, or fame as measurements of our significance.
You don’t need God’s help if you want to build these standards into your kids’ hearts. Unbelieving parents build these all the time.
If you’re aiming your kids at success, you’re aiming way too low.
Let me suggest something far more exciting … and satisfying. I call it true greatness.
Jesus said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant” (Matthew 20:26). Jesus not only taught us what greatness was, but He also showed us what it looked like … with every step He took, every breath He exhaled, and every word He spoke. And He calls us to build this amazing essence into the core of our children’s hearts.
True greatness is a passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others. True greatness has four powerful and defining qualities at its core: humility, gratefulness, generosity, and a servant spirit. It’s a magnanimous attitude that is sustained by God’s love and fueled by His amazing grace.
The benefits of true greatness
Parents who learn the secret of how to transfer a heart of true greatness to their children not only set their children up to live marvelous lives, but also get to enjoy the benefits of their efforts long before their children head out on their own. True greatness makes life within the home more peaceful, helps kids stay more academically focused, causes siblings to be far less competitive, elicits more respect for parents, and helps children become more morally grounded. The biggest payoff is how it enhances their children’s relationship with God.
When it comes to the vast majority of our kids, you need to know something that is extremely important about those four priorities of success: wealth, beauty, power, and fame. God may throw those into the lives of the truly great … for free. Except now they can actually handle them well and enjoy them completely.
It happened many years ago, but I still remember the lesson I learned from the near disaster in the Loritts home.
My wife, Karen, and I were arguing, and I had become very angry. I felt that she wasn’t understanding what I was trying to tell her. We weren’t shouting at each other, but the intensity level of the conversation had taken a decidedly upward turn.
I wanted to get out of our apartment to cool off, so I turned to walk out the door. As I did, I passed by our first child, Bryan, a toddler at the time, who was sitting in the middle of the living room floor. I walked out the door and slammed it behind me, and when I did the glass in the door shattered and sprayed around the living room floor.
When I heard the sound of the breaking glass, I felt a wave of panic as I remembered that Bryan was sitting close to the door. I spun around to see that my son was surrounded by shards of glass but that he miraculously was not injured. I can still see him sitting there, jagged pieces of glass mere inches from him.
Crawford, your outburst of anger could have hurt your son very badly, I thought.
I was so grateful that Bryan wasn’t hurt by my tantrum. And I was grateful for the lesson this incident taught me. To this day, whenever I am tempted to engage in an outburst of anger, God brings that scene back to my mind.
We need to make sure we have control over our anger. Although some Bible teachers and preachers might assert that anger itself is a sin, it is a God-given emotion that has its place in a godly life, as long as it is kept under control. Anger becomes sin when we lose control of it—when it controls us.
This kind of anger—anger that is based on human emotion and not on godly wisdom—is poison to relationships of all kinds. Marriages, friendships, business partnerships, and parent-child relationships suffer and even die when uncontrolled anger is allowed to enter the picture. The apostle James had this to say about anger:
This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20).
In other words, you can save yourself a lot of trouble if you keep your ears open, your mouth closed, and your temper under control.
We will keep our anger under control when we learn to lend an ear to a situation, then respond appropriately. When we keep quiet and patiently listen to the facts, we keep ourselves from flying off the handle, or reacting in unwarranted and ungodly anger. In short, we must make sure we respond to the facts and avoid reacting emotionally to what we see.
Before you allow yourself to get angry, take a deep breath, count the cost of the anger, submit your anger to the ruling of the Holy Spirit, then respond as He would have you respond. When you do these things, you’ll find yourself wasting a lot less valuable time and emotion on useless anger.
It’s that time of year again. This was a beautiful morning; this was a sad morning. I sat on the porch steps waving goodbye as my husband drove my children off to the first day of school, and I thought I might just start crying. Highly irrational, but that’s part of being a mom.
I’ve always heard that moms are supposed to celebrate when their children head back to school. But after a summer filled with being together and having endless hours of fun, being left all alone … stinks. Yeah, it stinks. Am I alone here? Do any other moms feel the same?
I looked out at the acreage before me, with all its promise of adventure, and on this morning it was still and quiet. My mind was filled with memories of go carts, dirt bikes, horseback riding, basketball competitions, and messy water fights peppered with the sound of laughter and squeals of delight. In spite of the empty feeling in my soul this morning, the memories of the last two months caused me to smile and wonder how summer came and went so quickly.
Each day when my children were with me I was filled with such purpose and joy. The excited anticipation on my son’s face each morning: “What are we going to do today, Mom?” My daughter’s gentle questioning: “Can we ride the horses today?” What a sweet blessing that spending time with me was the children’s desired goal of the day.
But not today. Today I am alone. Today I am sad.
But then something unexpected happened. As I sat sulking, I heard a gentle whisper: “What do you want to do today, Tracey? Can we read my Word?”
I felt a soothing warmth and was filled with anticipation and the very real understanding that I was not alone. God, my Heavenly Father, is expectantly waiting. Just as my children wanted to spend time with me each day, He desires for me to want to spend time with Him. And I can, because I am “alone.”
As I picked up the worn Bible that got a little dusty over the summer, I turned to James 4:8a and drank in the promise, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” I laughed at myself.
The movie The Ultimate Gift tells the story of Jason Stevens, the spoiled grandson of a billionaire who shows up late to his grandfather’s funeral only to collect his share of the inheritance. But Jason discovers his grandfather’s last will and testament includes a series of 12 tasks that he must go through, each containing an important life lesson. At first, Jason resists furiously, but by the end of the movie, he has more than millions, he has a new appreciation for life, friendship, and the meaning of happiness—he has the ultimate gift.
Most of us won’t be giving our children and grandchildren millions of dollars when we pass away. Many of us won’t even be able to give them thousands. But one thing you can do for your children is to teach them lessons about giving, servanthood, and thankfulness. That’s something everyone can afford. All it takes is a little investment of time.
Thanksgiving is a great time to start. Consider these 10 ideas:
1. Fast from a luxury the week before Thanksgiving.
Americans take a lot for granted. We have more material goods than any country in the world. This year, during the week leading up to Thanksgiving, fast from something as a family that you normally take for granted. Choose television, desserts, or even something as basic as pillows. Then break the fast on Thanksgiving Day. Discuss as a family all the things you normally take for granted and give God thanks for all His blessings you enjoy.
2. Donate personal items to charity.
Most children have so many toys that giving away one or two won’t make a dent in the toy box. Jesus said, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal” (Matthew 6:19-20).
If your family has an overabundance, ask the children to go through their possessions and find at least one item in good condition to give to a local charity. When children actively participate in the process, they not only learn to be thankful for what they have, but they also receive the opportunity to understand personal sacrifice for the sake of others who are less fortunate.
3. Serve at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen.
Prior to Thanksgiving, bring your children to a mission where they can serve the poor. Many churches already have a ministry like this available. Talk to your pastor or church secretary to get contact information, and then ask the mission director about jobs and safety for children. On Thanksgiving Day, discuss your experience.
4. Consider sponsoring a child.
Child sponsorship allows your family to financially support a child in a developing country until he or she becomes self-sufficient. This could be personal support for education or health care or it could also mean contributing to the child’s community development without directly helping an individual.
There are many Christian organizations that can get your family connected with one of these children in extreme poverty. As you tend to the needs of your sponsored child, include the children in the activities, such as writing letters, sending hand-drawn pictures, and praying. Study the country where your sponsored child lives and show pictures to your children that depict the living conditions of third-world countries.
5. Encourage children to serve one another first.
On Thanksgiving Day, ask your children to serve the meal, taking care of everyone else first and themselves last. If your meal is served buffet style, ask the children to serve drinks and fetch forgotten forks and napkins. Jesus said, ” … The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:11-12). Asking children to serve one another teaches them to put others first and follow in the footsteps of Christ.
6. Write down five reasons you are thankful for each family member.
Many people list reasons for being thankful on Thanksgiving Day, but this suggestion is focused on the members of your family. Not only does this exercise soften hearts of siblings and family members toward one another, it also brings a lot of encouragement.
One creative way to do this is to have everyone pin a sheet of paper on his or her back, and then tell everyone to walk around the room at the same time, writing nice messages on the sheets. These pieces of paper can be read aloud around the table and/or kept as keepsakes.
7. Have each child prepare something for the Thanksgiving meal.
It’s easy for children to take the Thanksgiving meal for granted. Often Mom and/or Dad slave in the kitchen and dining room, putting everything in order for guests while children run around or watch TV. This year, ask each child to contribute to the meal as a service to the family. Older children can follow recipes and create a special dish, while younger children can stir vegetables, boil noodles, or butter bread.
8. Read Thanksgiving: A Time to Remember, by Barbara Rainey, to your children.
This beautiful book, outlining the plight of the Pilgrims, can become a wonderful family tradition in your home during Thanksgiving. It reminds children of God’s provision and the sacrifices of the people who first came to this country and laid the foundation for us all. After reading the book, pray and thank God for all His provisions, including a home to live in, food to eat, cars to drive, and a country where we have the freedom to worship God.
9. Review your own family history.
The Pilgrims weren’t the only ones to lay down their lives in order that the rest of us might have freedom and prosperity. Many of us have a family history full of personal sacrifice. Perhaps your ancestors were immigrants from another country, brought over as slaves, or fought in wars against dangerous enemies. Take out old photo albums and reminisce about the lives of those who have gone before you.
10. Be a living example to your children.
The best way to teach your children to have a heart of thanksgiving and service is to be a living example. The Gospel of John recounts the story of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet. When finished, Jesus said to them, “You call me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” (13:13-15).
In the same way Jesus served, serve your spouse with joy, display a manner of gratitude, and live as much like Christ as you can each and every day. Through your example, your children will see what it means to have a true living, breathing relationship with Christ and come to produce fruits of thanksgiving and service of their own.
I was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, at a youth conference when news broke of Katy Perry and Russell Brand ending their 14-month marriage. The Twitterati had been abuzz for only a few hours when my best friend took the stage and mentioned it.
“We didn’t see that coming, did we?” she asked 6,500 teenagers.
They burst into immediate laughter.
Of course we saw it coming! We see it coming for the majority of Hollywood relationships. If this book stays in print as long as most of my books, you might not even remember that Katy Perry and Russell Brand were ever married. It’ll be as unfamiliar as Tom Cruise being married to Nicole Kidman, or Brad Pitt being married to Jennifer Aniston. And that’s kind of the point. It was a fleeting love.
Perry and Brand were victims of what I call the Humpty Dumpty Syndrome.
Double meaning
In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, Alice slips through the looking glass and encounters Humpty Dumpty in a strange land, and she’s quite confused by him. She can never figure out what he means because he uses a word in so many different ways. When she complains about it, he defends himself: “When I use a word … it means just what I choose it to mean.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
When it comes to love, we certainly force one word to mean a lot of things. Our simple English language has a single word for love. We love our parents. We love the hot guy who walks by, even if we don’t know his name. And we love a cute little orphaned child we meet on a mission trip. We might even love Fluffernutter sandwiches. We stretch one word to encompass the full range of love the average person will experience.
But other languages are more complex and precise. They identify the specific kind of love being expressed in each relationship. Take Hebrew, for example. We hesed our parents. We ahabah the hot guy walking by. We raham the orphan. (And there’s actually not a term to describe your love for a sandwich.)
Stretching and twisting the word love into so many meanings make us vulnerable to the Humpty Dumpty Syndrome.
A great fall
Ahabah (pronounced AH-ha-vah) is the Hebrew word that might be used to describe two people falling in love. This “love” is characterized by a spontaneous, impulsive display of affection and attraction. While such affection might relate to a friendship in the Hebrew culture, the word most often refers to the kind of attraction that happens between a man and a woman. In these cases, it is largely a physical attraction and emphasizes a sexual aspect of the relationship. Eros is the Greek counterpart to ahabah. Literature—both ancient and modern—celebrates this kind of love. Hollywood anchors its definition of love in eros.
Ahabah is all about loving that which is lovable. In other words, it’s not even really about the person we claim to love. Instead, ahabah is centered on our desire to possess or gain greater access to some characteristic we find attractive. Inherent to the desire to possess something is an attempt to control.
Here’s the big problem with the modern concept of “falling in love”: Since the perceived value of an object usually shifts with time and circumstances—and often diminishes once the shiny newness wears off—people often “fall out of love,” just as we’ve seen happen with Katy Perry and Russell Brand.
What does the Bible say about falling in love based on attraction? About seeking to have or possess someone based solely on how much we value certain aspects of that person? “I adjure you … that you not stir up or awaken love [ahabah] until it pleases” (Song of Songs 2:7).
In other words, “Please don’t fall in love.” An interesting phrase to find in the Bible’s most romantic book. This verse has been used by the abstinence movement to declare that sex should be reserved until after marriage; I don’t think it is only about avoiding sexual expression until marriage. The words are repeated three times in Song of Songs by observers of their love, including verse 8:4, long after Solomon and his bride are wed and have consummated their love. What could have prompted them to sing of holding back on sexual passion even after marriage? Why, in the Bible’s treatise on love and physical attraction? The Creator knows our hearts weren’t designed to be driven primarily by physical attraction. We can’t withstand the impact of such a fall.
All the king’s men
We find in the Bible a few stories of people who fell in love.
Shechem the Hivite fell in love with Dinah. The Bible says, “He was deeply attracted to Dinah … and he loved [ahabah] the girl and spoke tenderly to her” (Genesis 34:3, NASB). He ended up raping her, which prompted her brothers to seek revenge and start a war with the Hivites.
Samson fell in love (ahabah) with Delilah. She fell in love with the idea of having power over him. He ended up trapped by her, stripped of his gifting from God, and eventually, dead.
David fell in love (ahabah) with a powerful heiress named Michal. Their attraction was short lived, and she grew distant. Eventually, she hated him. At one of David’s most exciting moments as king—when he brought the ark of the covenant to Jerusalem—she mocked him in front of the entire household. He ended up in an empty, hate-filled marriage.
I could go on.
Perhaps the worst consequence was the fact that ahabah diminished over time. In each of the cases above, attraction gave way to distance and bitterness. But the ramifications extended beyond the relationship itself. Every time I see ahabah used exclusively to describe a male/female relationship in Scripture, it is followed by destructive developments such as intoxication, entrapment, servitude, loss of life purpose, and sometimes lifelong misery.
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
According to a recent study by Ellen Berscheid published in the Annual Review of Psychology entitled “Love in the Fourth Dimension,” “falling in love” has overtaken any other kind of love in bringing two people together to marry. It wasn’t always that way. In the early days of our Western culture, people married because each partner had internal qualities that held the promise of mutual commitment to each other. Attraction, they assumed, would follow.
For example, a pioneer whose wife had died often sought a hard-working, compassionate young woman who would care for and nurture his children. She might be looking for a generous man who offered provision and property. The relationship was built upon a solid work ethic, compassion, and generosity. These qualities topped their “lists” as they each sought a life partner to whom they could give themselves, knowing they’d be gifted back with equal commitment. Rather than springing from physical or emotional attraction, their relationship was rooted in internal qualities.
Today the most common quality a young woman tells me she is looking for is “a sense of humor.” But a humorous guy may or may not have a good work ethic, be willing to serve his wife and children, or embrace a deep relationship with God. Funny is neat, but no less superficial than external appearance.
A guy will generally tell me that he’s attracted to a girl’s eyes or smile or legs. He’s looking for beauty. These are all external qualities of attraction.
The modern trend of seeking attraction rather than looking for specific internal qualities was first identified by a sociologist in 1926, who said the “romantic impulse” would eventually create “family disorganization,” according to Berscheid’s study. In other words, “falling in love” would result in some unpleasant consequences—not just for the individual but for society as a whole.
As the emphasis on attraction has increased, it appears that the 1926 thesis that this would lead to “family disorganization” has held true. Psychological studies and surveys have found that those who enter into marriage because they fall in love tend to eventually experience a significant decline in intimacy (kissing, confiding in each other), shared activities (hobbies, games), and sexual intercourse. To say that we have seen an increase in divorce, fatherlessness, poverty, depression, and anxiety would be a gross understatement. The Annual Review of Psychology report ends with a rather hopeless admission that psychologists haven’t been able to figure out how to repair the broken love lives of Americans and “empirical tests of a temporal theory of love will require longitudinal methodology.”
In other words, “more study required.”
They don’t know what to do.
The Humpty Dumpty Syndrome has brought us the same consequences that the Bible characters experienced. And “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” haven’t been able to put us together again.
“Falling in love” is fueled by emotion. It’s based on a feeling. And following your feelings will get you hurt.
This doesn’t mean that we never give way to those feelings. It’s just that, in a healthy relationship, ahabah never grows stronger than agape.
Today is a national holiday honoring the memory and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who fought faithfully for the civil rights of Americans. In pursuit of this dream which sparked in 1955, King traveled more than 6 million miles, gave over 2,500 speeches, and was arrested on 30 occasions for nonviolent protests. To prompt conversations about this man, to share his message with our children and friends is our part in building a strong legacy.
The following is a small part of a sermon that was delivered at the Dexter Avenue Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama, on Christmas 1957. King wrote it while in jail for committing nonviolent civil disobedience during the Montgomery bus boycott. It is a sermon about loving one another, including your enemies.
I hope it plants a seed of love that everyone can carry with them while interacting with one another throughout each day. Sometimes we start to view other humans (even co-workers, friends, family, and spouses in particular) as the enemy and this could be a reminder to lead with a spirit of love. If King could do it in a jail cell, standing up for what he believed, then so can we.
Individuals must discover that as they deal with other individuals, there is a little tree planted on a little hill and on that tree hangs the most influential character that ever came in this world. But never feel that that tree is a meaningless drama that took place on the stages of history. Oh no, it is a telescope through which we look out into the long vista of eternity, and see the love of God breaking forth into time. It is an eternal reminder to a power-drunk generation that love is the only way. It is an eternal reminder to a generation depending on nuclear and atomic energy, a generation depending on physical violence, that love is the only creative, redemptive, transforming power in the universe.
So this morning, as I look into your eyes, and into the eyes of all of my brothers in Alabama and all over America and over the world, I say to you, “I love you. I would rather die than hate you.” And I’m foolish enough to believe that through the power of this love somewhere, men of the most recalcitrant bent will be transformed. And then we will be in God’s kingdom. We will be able to matriculate into the university of eternal life because we had the power to love our enemies, to bless those persons that cursed us, to even decide to be good to those persons who hated us, and we even prayed for those persons who despitefully used us.
Oh God, help us in our lives and in all of our attitudes, to work out this controlling force of love, this controlling power that can solve every problem that we confront in all areas. Oh, we talk about politics; we talk about the problems facing our atomic civilization. Grant that all men will come together and discover that as we solve the crisis and solve these problems—the international problems, the problems of atomic energy, the problems of nuclear energy, and yes, even the race problem—let us join together in a great fellowship of love and bow down at the feet of Jesus. Give us this strong determination. In the name and spirit of this Christ, we pray. Amen.
The equality of human dignity and opportunity penned in the Declaration of Independence, and the justice and reconciliation modeled by Jesus Christ, are not yet full realities. So let us not weary in reconciling humans to God and people to one another, of all races and backgrounds.
* To learn more about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day and how it was formed click here.
For years, dating couples with children from previous relationships and married couples in blended families have had polar opposite reactions to my books. Why? Because they have different perspectives.
Dating couples moan, “Gee, Ron, are you trying to scare us out of getting married?” while married stepfamily couples marvel, “You are describing our life exactly! Have you been peeking in our windows?”
The dating couple feels like I’m being negative; the married couple is relieved that someone finally told them they are normal. And when I have tracked a couple from dating to marriage, their response transformed to, “We just thought you were being a pessimist,” or “We wish we would have listened to you better.”
How could perspective make such a huge difference? Well, premarital couples have high hopes, are consumed by the fog of love, and expect positive things to happen; it’s the nature of being in love. Married couples, on the other hand, are living in an actual stepfamily. They cannot gloss over the challenges. It’s the difference between expectation and reality.
The research that David Olson and I did for The Remarriage Checkup explained and validated the perspective shift. We discovered that couple satisfaction during dating is highly correlated with the couple’s relationship. However, marital satisfaction (i.e., once the couple is living in a stepfamily) is increasingly correlated with stepfamily and stepparenting dynamics that surround the couple’s relationship. As the context of their relationship changes, so does their satisfaction—and their perspective.
Different perspectives
Children and adults often find themselves disagreeing because of contrasting viewpoints. For example, adults sometimes object to labels like “stepfamily” or “stepparent” because they make them feel second class or evil. However, kids use these exact terms quite freely to describe what seems obvious to them. “This is a stepfamily and he is my stepparent,” one 23-year-old said to me. “That’s not hard to figure out.”
In addition, biological parents have an insider’s perspective on the home while stepparents may feel like outsiders. One stepmom put it this way: “My husband is connected to his children and to me—he loves all of us and feels like he’s a part of us. But I am only connected to him, not his kids. It’s almost as if I live in stepfamily, but he doesn’t.”
And what about holiday step-stress? For many adult stepchildren, it doesn’t feel like being home for the holidays when they visit a parent with a remarried partner who has children, grandchildren, and extended family. Instead, it feels like going someplace strange. Sometimes these adult stepchildren wonder, Isit just me? After all, everyone else seems to be okay with it.
The point is this: Stepfamilies are made up of people with different family histories and varying life narratives that result in different perspectives about what is happening in their shared home. This can be quite frustrating, and it disconnects people who are trying to deepen their bonds.
All too often one spouse ends up criticizing or judging the other’s perspective—or deciding not to trust it. The outcome is alienation.
TAKING ACTION
Build a bridge and get over it
So what can you do? Actively build the following bridges of understanding in your home; cross them to connect with the other person’s heart.
Listening. One key to building bridges is listening. And I don’t just mean hearing; I mean listening. Go beneath words to understanding the meaning of another’s perspective and what that is telling you about their point of view. And then accept that viewpoint. Realize that because others have a different past than you, they can have completely different opinions, even if those opinions don’t make sense to you. Resist the urge to talk them out of their opinions—listen and absorb.
Empathizing. Listening lets you take in the other person, and empathy adds compassion and appreciation for what it’s like to be them. Empathy communicates a deep acceptance and concern for the other person which facilitates bonding and trust. And that’s when a tiny miracle happens: Two hearts, with two different perspectives and two varying realities, connect.
Guys have been blindsided in our culture. We don’t see the path to manhood, and we often don’t know how to view women, sex, relationships, marriage, and our role as husbands.
A key to the problem guys face is that we don’t understand the North Star of relationships. It’s the gold standard of selfless love, the blueprint for building a family and blessing your children. What’s that North Star? Knowing Jesus Christ and His purposes for marriage, and trusting in His strength to make a lasting relationship possible.
Marriage needs to be re-explained. It needs to be re-branded as an awesome, noble, and challenging adventure. Our manhood, our happiness, and our children’s future depend on marriage—yours, mine, and everybody else’s.
In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about. As you read through the following list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. Let’s value marriage and relate well to our wives, whether we’re married yet, or preparing for that woman.
21 things about marriage
1. A man needs to know that the ultimate team is marriage.
It’s the union and oneness of man and woman in lifelong covenant. It’s the team that anchors a family. It’s a bonded relationship that mirrors God’s sacrificial, unconditional, lasting love for his children (those who by faith have accepted His sacrifice and adoption into his eternal family).
2. A man needs to know the difference between being a consumer and an investor in life, in relationships, and in marriage.
Don’t let an advertising-saturated, consumer society make you act like a consumer in relationships. Decide to add value to a wife, not take value.
Just like great quarterbacks serve receivers, and great receivers serve quarterbacks, we need to be investors, not childish consumers, takers, or complainers. We are to model ourselves after Jesus, the ultimate relationship Investor. He is the definition of a man: responsible, initiating, courageous, self-sacrificing, healing, peacemaking, justice-doing, others-centered rather than self-centered, loving others in ways that add value and nobility to them.
Before he is married, a great husband will be a relationship investor who will build friendship that adds value into the life a young woman, her self-esteem, and her potential to serve God. He will channel his sexual desires and expression into devotion to God and commitment to one wife for life. He will marry and be sexually exclusive—only having eyes, imagination, and sexual intimacy with one woman.
We should be asking ourselves this question daily: “Would I want to marry me?”
3. A man needs to know that a marriage and family depend upon God as their Maker.
God is the authority. He provides the blueprints for marriage and the power source of love, wisdom, and health. God can heal any marriage if the husband and wife will submit themselves to God and let Him change them.
4. A man needs to know that marriage is meant to mature him and develop Christ-like character in him.
It can help conform him to the image of Christ, reshaping his will and identity into union with, and deference toward, his wife. This is like the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who honor, defer to, and glorify each other.
The friendship of marriage helps spouses become better versions of themselves, closer to what God designed and redeemed them to be. They must face the truth about themselves—their strengths and their imperfections. They will face conflict and difficulty and must grow empathy and teamwork. Selfishness must melt away if they are to become healthy, strong, and mature together.
5. A man needs to know the meaning of love.
God defines love not by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself—your will, your freedom, your time, your emotions, your forgiveness, your resources. The model is Jesus, who demonstrated love for us by dying for us while we were yet sinners.
A husband does this by choosing his wife as a priority in his life over all other pursuits, possessions and distractions—regardless of whether she is kind, lovable, or respectful. Love brings out the best in her. A man initiates love, rather than waiting for or demanding respect or kind treatment. Love is not dependent upon feelings. Decisions and choices to love can regenerate the feelings of love.
6. A man needs to know the Christ-like role of servant, husband, and lover.
He is to be an investor in his wife, and he sacrifices himself for her best. He defines his manhood as pursuing purity in Christ, chastity before marriage, and enthusiastic fidelity in marriage.
7. A man needs to understand sexuality as God’s good creation, distinct from its counterfeits.
He understands that sexuality makes sense in the context of union to God and the union of marriage. Outside that context it’s often reduced to moralism, rules, suppression, secrecy, illicit imagination, temptation, and shame. Or, commonly it’s reduced to a consumer experience—materialistic self-interest, physical gratification, entertainment, techniques. This causes shallow, stunted human bonding, untold stories of abuse, damage, abandonment, and fragmented families.
8. A man needs to know that the key to great sex is exclusivity.
Our modern world tricks a man into thinking that more sources of sexual stimulation will satisfy him. But like a drug, they thrill but do not satisfy. Sexual entertainment, images, and illicit sex erode rather than enhance sexual joy in a marriage.
They way to become a great lover is to practice with only one woman for life. It is to be generous, exclusive, and serving—not greedy, distracted, and taking. A great relationship and great sex are connected in marriage, and that only happens when a man’s sole target of sexual affections, imaginations, and enjoyment is his wife.
9. A man needs to know that marriages typically have a one- or two-year “honeymoon era.”
This is a period of semi-blind euphoria that makes the relationship magnetic and easier. It’s as if our Creator gives that to us humans to get us jump-started in marriage. Couples should know that when the euphoria wears off and they eventually settle into normality, the different feelings they experience do not indicate that they married the wrong person or are not “in love” anymore.
10. A man needs to know that living together and having sex before marriage uses up a good portion of the “honeymoon era” euphoria.
It often causes the onset of reality to begin almost immediately after the wedding, depending on how long the couple had been living and sleeping together. Research shows that divorce and issues of mistrust are more common for those who cohabit before marriage than for those who do not. Cohabiting is not “good practice” for marriage.
11. A man needs to know that commitment is a key to success in all of life, and especially in a relationship with a woman.
One way of defining commitment in marriage is never considering divorce. If you know that you won’t be leaving or divorcing, it forces you to face differences and problems and work through them.
In marriage it is the security of commitment that allows a woman to feel peace in the relationship. The assurance of a husband’s commitment helps a woman entrust herself to him emotionally and sexually.
12. A man needs to know that marriage is not easy.
Marriage is not automatic, and it’s often difficult. The euphoria of romantic infatuation in the first years of marriage fades, requiring the mature resolve to behave lovingly and invest relationally to build a deeper bond than infatuation. Marriage will take intentional and continual effort.
13. A man needs to know that the purpose of marriage is less to make you happy, than to make you holy.
Now it’s true that a good marriage to a good woman can make you happier than most anything else on earth. But if your goal is to be happy, then you will be focused on yourself, and you will damage your character and your relationships.
If you aim to be holy—like Jesus, not like a monk—you will invite God to change you. You will allow your marriage relationship to change you and crush your selfish will and defensive pride. You will experience true oneness in your marriage—you’ll be deepest friends, intimate allies, generous lovers, caring providers, complementary partners, spiritual enhancers. (Thanks to Gary Thomas for the idea)
14. A man needs to know that God gives authority and responsibility to a husband to make the marriage thrive and last.
He is to steward and shepherd himself and his wife’s union. He is to be proactive at assisting God in healing her past wounds, creating oneness in their bond, and assuring her (and their children) of his love for her.
Women are natural responders when men initiate in love, prayer,and humility. Men must not be passive, arrogant, distracted, or controlling. A man will not point the finger at his wife’s behavior or shortcomings, but will examine his history as a husband and ask God to change him. His heart, his care, and his initiative is the key to his wife’s response and the health of the marriage.
15. A man needs to know that he can change his marriage by changing himself.
He can make himself a better husband by making himself a more consistent and devoted follower of Jesus. If he wants to improve any aspect of his marriage—family or parenting—the solution lies in deepening his daily commitment to God. The path to build a great marriage or to heal a marriage is for him to humble his will, to let the Holy Spirit take control of him, and to obey Christ.
16. A man needs to know that romance is created and sustained intentionally.
Thinking about what she likes, remembering what is important to her, setting things up the way she prefers … these are all critical. In dating and various stages of life, romance can spontaneously happen; but for the long term, it must be deliberately planned and created. If a man wants to be a leader, this is an area in which to lead. And it leads to good things.
17. A man needs to know that divorce is avoidable.
He understands that nothing is impossible for God, and he humbles himself to admit and repent from the ways he fell short in loving his wife in the past, so he can excel at loving her from this day forward.
18. A man needs to know that he can recover from a wife’s affair because he has the power to forgive.
Jesus forgave all his sin, and he is called to do the same with his wife. Furthermore, he seeks to understand what led his wife to be unfaithful, even if it means admitting his own failure. Usually a man breaks his vow to choose, love, and protect her before a woman breaks her vow to be faithful.
Note: If you have an affair, you don’t have control over whether you can recover because you can’t force a wife’s forgiveness.
19. A man needs to know that even the worst things can be redeemed for deeper purposes.
Romans 5:3-5 reminds us to rejoice and find value in tribulation, loss, and suffering because tribulation brings perseverance, and perseverance brings proven character like that of Jesus, and proven character brings hope, and hope does not disappoint because God’s love is poured out to us by His Holy Spirit.
Face crises and trials and suffering straight on with Christ and a few close teammates. A man steps up, by surrendering to Jesus Christ and persevering in making Him the center and Lord of his life.
20. A man needs to know that humbling himself to his wife is the gutsiest and most successful way to heal her heart and the frequently-compromised relationship.
A man with courage and wisdom will never overlook his wife’s hurt feelings. And he’ll seek to overlook the disrespectful words she blurts out in reaction to how he hurt her feelings.
When you are in conflict, don’t wait for things to blow over. Don’t try to point out her fault. Don’t try to minimize the situation. And don’t defend yourself. Instead, be a leader. Start the apology. A great starting point is, “I was wrong. I hurt you. Please forgive me?”
21. A man needs to know that a wife wants him to lead her, but will tend to lead and control him if he doesn’t lead and initiate.
Leadership starts with your character and your devotion to Christ. Your walk with God determines the quality of your love and leadership as a husband.
Seek God. Read His word in the Bible. Pray for Him to shape and lead you. Humble yourself before Him. Seek a mentor or group to help you grow and become a good husband.
Leadership of a wife is humility before God, initiating teamwork with your wife, praying with her every day, and praying for your family. Most guys I know well are like me in this: If you’re frustrated with your wife and your marriage, the solution lies in getting back into Jesus and His Word!
In last week’s Marriage Memo, I wrote of seven things men need to know about marriage. In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about.
Here are seven more things men should know. As you read through the list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband.
1. A man needs to know that the key to great sex is exclusivity.
Our modern world tricks a man into thinking that more sources of sexual stimulation will satisfy him. But like a drug, they thrill but do not satisfy. Sexual entertainment, images, and illicit sex erode rather than enhance sexual joy in a marriage.
They way to become a great lover is to practice with only one woman for life. It is to be generous, exclusive, and serving—not greedy, distracted, and taking. A great relationship and great sex are connected in marriage, and that only happens when a man’s sole target of sexual affections, imaginations, and enjoyment is his wife.
2. A man needs to know that marriages typically have a one- or two-year “honeymoon era.”
This is a period of semi-blind euphoria that makes the relationship magnetic and easier. It’s as if our Creator gives that to us humans to get us jump-started in marriage. Couples should know that when the euphoria wears off and they eventually settle into normality, the different feelings they experience do not indicate that they married the wrong person or are not “in love” anymore.
3. A man needs to know that living together and having sex before marriage uses up a good portion of the “honeymoon era” euphoria.
It often causes the onset of reality to begin almost immediately after the wedding, depending on how long the couple had been living and sleeping together. Research shows that divorce and issues of mistrust are more common for those who cohabit before marriage than for those who do not. Cohabiting is not “good practice” for marriage.
4. A man needs to know that commitment is a key to success in all of life, and especially in a relationship with a woman.
One way of defining commitment in marriage is never considering divorce. If you know that you won’t be leaving or divorcing, it forces you to face differences and problems and work through them.
In marriage it is the security of commitment that allows a woman to feel peace in the relationship. The assurance of a husband’s commitment helps a woman entrust herself to him emotionally and sexually.
5. A man needs to know that marriage is not easy.
Marriage is not automatic, and it’s often difficult. The euphoria of romantic infatuation in the first years of marriage fades, requiring the mature resolve to behave lovingly and invest relationally to build a deeper bond than infatuation. Marriage will take intentional and continual effort.
6. A man needs to know that the purpose of marriage is less to make you happy, than to make you holy.
Now it’s true that a good marriage to a good woman can make you happier than most anything else on earth. But if your goal is to be happy, then you will be focused on yourself, and you will damage your character and your relationships.
If you aim to be holy—like Jesus, not like a monk—you will invite God to change you. You will allow your marriage relationship to change you and crush your selfish will and defensive pride. You will experience true oneness in your marriage—you’ll be deepest friends, intimate allies, generous lovers, caring providers, complementary partners, spiritual enhancers. (Thanks to Gary Thomas for the idea)
7. A man needs to know that God gives authority and responsibility to a husband to make the marriage thrive and last.
He is to steward and shepherd himself and his wife’s union. He is to be proactive at assisting God in healing her past wounds, creating oneness in their bond, and assuring her (and their children) of his love for her.
Women are natural responders when men initiate in love, prayer, and humility. Men must not be passive, arrogant, distracted, or controlling. A man will not point the finger at his wife’s behavior or shortcomings, but will examine his history as a husband and ask God to change him. His heart, his care, and his initiative is the key to his wife’s response and the health of the marriage.
We should be asking ourselves this question daily: “Would I want to marry me?”
Guys have been blindsided in our culture. We don’t see the path to manhood, and we often don’t know how to view women, sex, relationships, marriage, and our role as husbands.
A key to the problems guys face is that we don’t understand the North Star of relationships. It’s the gold standard of selfless love, the blueprint for building a family and blessing our children. What’s that North Star? Knowing Jesus Christ and His purpose for marriage, and trusting in His strength to make a lasting relationship possible.
Marriage needs to be re-explained. It needs to be re-branded as an awesome, noble, and challenging adventure. Our manhood, our happiness, and our children’s future depend on marriage—yours, mine, and everybody else’s.
In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about. As you read through the following list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. Let’s value marriage and relate well to our wives, whether we’re married yet, or preparing for that woman.
1. A man needs to know that the ultimate team is marriage.
It’s the union and oneness of man and woman in lifelong covenant. It’s the team that anchors a family. It’s a bonded relationship that mirrors God’s sacrificial, unconditional, lasting love for his children (those who by faith have accepted His sacrifice and adoption into his eternal family).
2. A man needs to know the difference between being a consumer and an investor in life, in relationships, and in marriage.
Don’t let an advertising-saturated, consumer society make you act like a consumer in relationships. Decide to add value to a wife, not take value.
Just like great quarterbacks serve receivers, and great receivers serve quarterbacks, we need to be investors, not childish consumers, takers, or complainers. We are to model ourselves after Jesus, the ultimate relationship Investor. He is the definition of a man: responsible, initiating, courageous, self-sacrificing, healing, peacemaking, justice-doing, others-centered rather than self-centered, loving others in ways that add value and nobility to them.
Before he is married, a great husband will be a relationship investor who will build friendship that adds value into the life a young woman, her self-esteem, and her potential to serve God. He will channel his sexual desires and expression into devotion to God and commitment to one wife for life. He will marry and be sexually exclusive—only having eyes, imagination, and sexual intimacy with one woman.
We should be asking ourselves this question daily: “Would I want to marry me?”
3. A man needs to know that a marriage and family depend upon God as their Maker.
God is the authority. He provides the blueprints for marriage and the power source of love, wisdom, and health. God can heal any marriage if the husband and wife will submit themselves to God and let Him change them.
4. A man needs to know that marriage is meant to mature him and develop Christ-like character in him.
It can help conform him to the image of Christ, reshaping his will and identity into union with, and deference toward, his wife. This is like the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who honor, defer to, and glorify each other.
The friendship of marriage helps spouses become better versions of themselves, closer to what God designed and redeemed them to be. They must face the truth about themselves—their strengths and their imperfections. They will face conflict and difficulty and must grow empathy and teamwork. Selfishness must melt away if they are to become healthy, strong, and mature together.
5. A man needs to know the meaning of love.
God defines love not by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself—your will, your freedom, your time, your emotions, your forgiveness, your resources. The model is Jesus, who demonstrated love for us by dying for us while we were yet sinners.
A husband does this by choosing his wife as a priority in his life over all other pursuits, possessions and distractions—regardless of whether she is kind, lovable, or respectful. Love brings out the best in her. A man initiates love, rather than waiting for or demanding respect or kind treatment. Love is not dependent upon feelings. Decisions and choices to love can regenerate the feelings of love.
6. A man needs to know the Christ-like role of servant, husband, and lover.
He is to be an investor in his wife, and he sacrifices himself for her best. He defines his manhood as pursuing purity in Christ, chastity before marriage, and enthusiastic fidelity in marriage.
7. A man needs to understand sexuality as God’s good creation, distinct from its counterfeits.
He understands that sexuality makes sense in the context of union to God and the union of marriage. Outside that context it’s often reduced to moralism, rules, suppression, secrecy, illicit imagination, temptation, and shame. Or, commonly it’s reduced to a consumer experience—materialistic self-interest, physical gratification, entertainment, techniques. This causes shallow, stunted human bonding, untold stories of abuse, damage, abandonment, and fragmented families.
Chris James pulled his car over to the side in the middle of the bridge. He came to a rolling stop. Can I do it? he wondered. Can I jump?
Consumed by lust, he was cheating on his bride of less than 18 months. He was having an affair with a woman he hardly knew. He was also spending time with people who were dabbling with drugs and alcohol.
As he sat two feet from the railing of the bridge connecting sister cities, haunting thoughts ricocheted back and forth in his head:
Nobody will take you back. Your parents will never accept you again. Look at how you’ve shamed them. Amy’s dad trusted you when he gave her away on your wedding day. How can you face Amy, knowing the poor decisions you’ve made?
Was there any way of escape? He looked at the swirling water below and wished that he could just end it all.
He believed in God but thought, Nothing can save me.
He had every intention of taking his life that night, but he just couldn’t do it.
Chris turned the ignition key and made the painful drive home, knowing that he would have to tell Amy the truth.
A familiar cycle
When Amy and Chris were married, she expected a marriage like the one her parents had. Her mom and dad were best friends. They talked respectfully to each other when they disagreed. Because of her parents’ devotion to one another, she assumed that marriage would be easy. And Chris and she had even gone through premarital counseling with the pastor before they married.
Chris didn’t have any expectations when he married Amy. He just wanted it to last longer than his parents’ marriage did—seven years.
The relationship quickly began to follow a familiar cycle. They would enjoy great communication and intimacy, and then they would have an argument.
“We would give each other the silent treatment,” Chris says, “and it would last for days … and sometimes weeks.” Over and over again Chris replayed words Amy had uttered in anger.
Amy, who was going to college, thought that her young marriage to Chris was typical. Sure, they had some communication problems, but they went to church together and both professed to be Christians.
Soon after his thoughts of suicide on the bridge, Chris returned home one evening and announced he was going to leave. “I told Amy that I didn’t want to have anything to do with her or our marriage,” he says. “I just really wanted to end it. I wanted to be in this other relationship.”
“I was crying and in shock,” Amy says.
Chris moved out and the next time Amy saw him was when they met at the courthouse to file the divorce papers. They discovered a paper was missing, and they didn’t file for divorce that day. And then, instead of continuing with the divorce proceedings, Chris started visiting his wife at the apartment. “We talked a lot,” Amy says, “and he shared more of what he was feeling.”
Chris ended the affair. Amy forgave him. They gave their marriage another try.
New arguments
Amy and Chris moved to another city to begin a new life together. She was confident that her husband’s infidelity would never happen again.
But the cycle of conflict and silence began again. They argued mainly about finances and sex, and there were a myriad of smaller issues: Where are we going to spend the holidays? … We spent just two days with my mom and dad, how can we spend four days with her parents? … Do we have the money to do this or to buy this? Why not? Why did you spend it all?
Their voices would get louder and louder when they disagreed. They often blamed one another. Amy says that she would walk away from Chris during arguments because she felt targeted. “I always thought, Why isn’t he coming and talking to me. … Why does he have to stonewall me for days and days?“
Despite their disagreements, they did enjoy times of intimacy. A few months after their move, Amy learned that she and Chris were going to have a baby. She was overjoyed and life seemed good to her. Chris, however, had never seen himself as dad material. “I wasn’t as excited as she was,” he says, “because we weren’t planning on being pregnant at that point in our lives.”
The hurtful truth
Chris began repeating old patterns—working late at night, having drinks with co-workers before coming home. “I alienated anything good or godly that was in my life,” he says. He repeatedly lied to avoid telling Amy the hurtful truth: He was seeing another woman again.
Because Chris worked in the world of retail, he often did not return home until 10 p.m. However, when he began arriving at 2 a.m., Amy became suspicious. “I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right,” she says, “but couldn’t make him tell me.”
Amy was about six months pregnant when Chris finally confessed his second affair in two years. It had been going on for about four months. Amy tried not to hyperventilate. She thought, This doesn’t happen to people like me.
He said, again, that he wanted a divorce. He said she should go live with her mom and dad.
The marriage getaway
A month or so after Amy and Chris separated for the second time, Amy’s mother heard a radio advertisement for a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. The ad promised help for struggling marriages, so she offered to send Chris and Amy to it.
At first Chris said he didn’t want to attend. Divorce papers had already been completed. He just wasn’t interested.
Amy had an ultrasound and learned that she would have a little girl. After showing her husband the ultrasound pictures, she again asked if he would attend the marriage getaway. He agreed to give it a try.
At the Weekend to Remember, “the walls came down” for Chris. He had allowed pent-up resentment to form a barrier between himself and his wife. “I didn’t understand a lot of what God’s purpose was for my life,” he says, “and I definitely couldn’t understand what His love meant.” When the speakers discussed the difference that Christ can make, “for the first time I decided to trust Jesus with my life and marriage.”
On the Saturday night of the weekend, Chris called Amy’s parents and apologized for the poor decisions he had made and for what he had put them through. As he talked, Amy thought about how much she did not want to be a single mom. “I wanted our daughter to have her dad,” she says. “And I wanted to be with him.”
Rebuilding a marriage
After the life-changing weekend, the tough work of marriage rebuilding began. Amy had to learn to trust Chris, and that was extremely difficult. “I told him for this [marriage] to really work, I was going to need to see that he wanted to change and that we weren’t going to go through this every year.”
Amy needed reassurance that Chris truly wanted to be married to her. Before the Weekend to Remember he would generally work late whenever asked to. Afterward, that started to change. He showed his wife that spending time with her was a priority.
“That was huge to me,” Amy says.
Amy and Chris joined a church where they both grew spiritually and connected with other believers. As Chris got to know the men in his small group, he realized that many of his struggles (such as pornography and lust) were very common.
When their child was born, Chris and Amy were more committed than ever to make their marriage work. They continued to apply the principles they learned at the Weekend to Remember. Chris realized that he is supposed to come alongside his wife “in the better days and the worse days, like we said in our marriage vows,” and that Amy is his helpmate during both good and bad times.
Describing herself as an emotional person, Amy says the Weekend to Remember was an eye-opener. She realized her need to share feelings without using accusatory statements. “I remember being able to talk with each other more,” she says. At the end of the getaway, the young couple signed a marriage covenant that was witnessed by one of the speakers. Amy felt that Chris was truly committed to rebuilding their marriage for the long haul.
Several months later they renewed their wedding vows with new rings. This time, when Amy pledged her commitment, she had experienced loving her husband for better and for worse. When Chris promised his lifelong faithfulness to his wife, he really meant it.
“God had a bigger purpose”
The Jameses say that marriage is never easy, but with Christ they have hope to persevere through anything. And they are doing all they can to let others know that nothing is impossible for God.
They led The Art of Marriage® video event that was attended by more than 70 couples. Many of them had broken relationships, and the Jameses encouraged them not to give up on their marriages.
Chris has also led a small group of men through FamilyLife’s Stepping Up® video series; it challenges men to live godly, courageous lives. Chris says that the results have been profound. When he looks at his two daughters, he says, “It brings me back to earth sometimes when I think about what could have happened with us not being together as a family.”
Amy says that she and Chris are much closer today than they might have been without their trials. “I love him so much and I am so glad that he decided to stick with me.”
It’s now been many years since Chris wished that he could end it all. When he recalls the sense of utter desperation that he felt so long ago, he doesn’t know why he didn’t follow through with his original plan.
“The only thing that I can say to explain it is that God had a bigger purpose and I’m still here today.”
What does a “godly woman” look like? How can a woman fulfill the eternal purpose for which God created her? Thankfully, the Word of God gives us the instructions we need; it also provides a number of role models—women who illustrate what it means to walk with God and to be used by Him.
One of my favorite biblical role models is Mary of Nazareth. In her life I have found a wealth of wisdom for my own walk with God. Her story illustrates many of the characteristics of the kind of woman God uses to fulfill His redemptive purposes in our world.
Mary was an ordinary woman
There was nothing particularly unusual about Mary. She was not from a wealthy or illustrious family. When the angel appeared to this young teenage girl, she was engaged to be married and was undoubtedly doing what engaged girls do—dreaming of being married to Joseph, of the home they would live in, of the family they would have. I don’t believe she was expecting her life to be used in any extraordinary way.
The significance of Mary’s life was not based on any of the things our world values so highly—background, physical beauty, intelligence, education, natural gifts and abilities. It was Mary’s relationship to Jesus that gave her life significance.
Regardless of how ordinary and “unqualified” we may be, all of us as children of God can walk with Him and be used by Him—not because we are inherently significant, but because of our relationship with Christ. Our true identity is not found in a job, a spouse, a child, a position, or a possession. It is our connection to the Lord Jesus Christ that gives our lives value and significance and makes us usable in His kingdom.
Mary was a pure woman
Though she had grown up in a community renowned for moral corruption, she was a virgin. Undoubtedly, many of Mary’s peers had not kept themselves pure. But when God was ready to send His Son into the world to bring about His eternal plan of redemption, He chose to place the seed of His Son into the womb of a pure vessel. He selected a woman who had not given in to the lure of the world but had kept herself for the Master’s use.
In a world that flaunts perversion and scoffs at purity, women of God must be willing to go against the flow—to walk in purity and to teach their daughters the importance and value of a commitment to personal and moral virtue.
You may be reaping the blessings and benefits of a lifelong commitment to personal purity. On the other hand, you may be living with a deep sense of loss and regret from having made wrong choices. Perhaps you feel that God will never be able to use you because you have not kept yourself pure. The wonder of God’s grace is that He can and He will restore purity to those who come to Him in contrition and true repentance. He cannot restore the virginity you sacrificed, but by His grace He can restore true virtue.
Mary was an undeserving woman
God did not choose this young woman because she was worthy of the honor of being the mother of the Savior. The angel said to Mary, “Greetings, you who are highly favored!” (emphasis added). That phrase could be translated, “you who are graciously accepted.” If any of us is to be accepted by God, it will be because of grace—not because of anything we have done.
It’s all because of grace. Over and over again in Scripture, we see that God chooses people who are undeserving. God didn’t look down from heaven and say, “I see a woman who has something to offer Me; I think I’ll use her.” Mary did not deserve to be used by God; to the contrary, she marveled at God’s grace in choosing her.
The moment we cease to see ourselves as undeserving instruments, chances are we will cease to be useful in the hand of God.
Mary was a chosen woman
She was chosen by God for a task of eternal significance—to bear the life of the Son of God. There is a sense in which God has chosen all of us for a similar task—to bring forth spiritual life. “You did not choose me,” Jesus told His disciples, “but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last” (John 15:16).
I believe there is a special sense in which God created us as women to be bearers and nurturers of life. Whether or not He grants us physical children, He wants to use us to carry the life and light of Jesus into the world—to be spiritual reproducers, bringing forth His life in the lives of others.
We may look at certain prominent or unusually gifted people and think they have been uniquely chosen by God. The fact is, if you are a child of God, you have been chosen by God for a task of supreme significance—to be a bearer and nurturer of spiritual life by carrying the life of the Lord Jesus to others.
Once you look at your life that way, you’ll never again have a “self image” problem. Many women today carry scars of rejection from parents, spouses, or friends who have spurned them. What a joy to discover that though we deserve to be rejected by God, we have been chosen to belong to Him and to be a part of His redemptive plan in the universe.
Mary was a Spirit-filled woman
We too must be filled with the Spirit if we are to fulfill the purpose for which God has chosen us. When the angel said to Mary, “You’re going to have a child,” Mary responded, “How can this be?” I’ve never been intimate with a man!” God had chosen her for a task that was humanly impossible.
The task for which God has chosen you and me is no less impossible. We can share the gospel of Christ with our lost friends, but we cannot give them repentance and faith. You can provide a climate that is conducive to the spiritual growth of your children, but you can’t make them have a heart for God. We are totally dependent on Him to produce any fruit of eternal value.
In response to Mary’s expression of weakness and inadequacy, the angel promised her God’s strength and adequacy: “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you” (Luke 1:35). In the Old Testament El Elyon was God Most High, the Creator of heaven and earth.
I can’t begin to count how many conversations I’ve had with the Lord that sound a bit like Mary’s exchange with the angel. The Lord gives me a task, and I respond, “Lord, how can this be? I can’t do this. There are other people far more qualified. I’m not prepared. I’m not ready. I’m so tired. I’m so weak. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He responds simply “I know. That’s why I’ve given you the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will enable you, and My power will overshadow you and your weakness.”
Don’t ever forget that you cannot do what God has called you to do. You cannot parent that child, love that husband, care for that elderly parent, submit to that boss, teach that Sunday school class, or lead that small-group Bible study. God specializes in the impossible, so that when the victory is won and the task is complete, we cannot take any credit. Others know we didn’t do it, and we know we didn’t do it.
We must always remember that we can only live the Christian life and serve God through the power of His Holy Spirit. As soon as we think we can handle it on our own, we become useless to Him. We have to be willing to get out of the way, let God take over, and let Him overshadow us.
Mary was an available woman
Equipped with the promises of God, Mary’s response was simply, “I am the Lord’s servant … May it be to me as you have said” (Luke 1:38). In other words, “Lord, I’m available. You are my Master; I am Your servant. I’m willing to be used however You choose. My body is Yours; my womb is Yours; my life is Yours.”
In the act of surrender, Mary offered herself to God as a living sacrifice. She was willing to be used by God for His purposes—willing to endure the loss of reputation that was certain to follow when people realized she was with child, willing to endure the ridicule and even the possible stoning permitted by the Mosaic law, willing to go through nine months of increasing discomfort and sleeplessness, willing to endure the labor pains of giving birth to the Child. Mary was willing to give up her own plans and agenda, so that she might link arms with God in fulfilling His agenda.
This ought to be the heart cry of every woman of God:
“I am Your servant. I’m available.”
“Do You want me to be married? I’ll be married.”
“Do You want me to be single? I’ll be single.”
“Do You want me to have children? I’ll raise children for Your glory.”
“Do You want me to be childless? Then I will be a reproducer of spiritual fruit in the lives of others.”
“Do You want me to live in a small, overcrowded house? Do You want me to suffer with a physical affliction? Do You want me to homeschool my children? Do You want me to love and serve this husband who is so hard to live with? Do You want me to take that young woman under my wing and mentor her in Your ways? Do You want me to give up my free time to tutor that child from a broken home? Do You want me to take meals to that cranky neighbor who is ill? Lord, whatever!”
“I am Your servant. May it be to me as You have said.”
Ever feel like you missed something during the holiday season? It’s awfully difficult in our culture today to teach children the true significance of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It may be time for you to begin some new holiday traditions. Following are seven ideas submitted by FamilyLife staff and friends for honoring God in your Christmas festivities.
1. “Adopting” a church family
Perhaps the Christmases that have remained our favorites were the ones where we adopted one of our own church families in need. Most often it was a family where the father had lost his job. We put together sacks full of food, clothes, candy, toys for the children–anything we knew the family would want at Christmas.
Every year we hid our van down the street, quietly slipped all the sacks onto the front porch, rang the doorbell and ran for cover. It was such a joy to see the response of the recipients. They have never known who left the gifts, because we never told anyone that we did this until now. It always seemed to help us stay focused on the real reason for Christmas and the reason that we live.
Now my children, who are 30, 27, and 18, understand from experience the truth of God’s Word when it says that we find our life by losing it. They are demonstrating a life of giving by their daily lives and I am most grateful to God that He entrusted the truth of His Word to me that I might turn and teach it to the next generation.
–Cherry Tolleson
2. Family circle
Because my children and grandchildren live in Oklahoma City and Colorado Springs, when we get together we try to make our time very special. We all drove to Colorado last Christmas to have “Christmas in the Rockies” with my oldest son in Colorado Springs.
He’s the youth minister at Trinity Church of the Nazarene and he put together a program for our family on Christmas Eve night. We sat in a circle around candles with our little ones in our laps, for they also had their special parts in this program. They were all instructed to be very quiet because we were going to talk to Jesus.
We began by singing Christmas songs and individually reading the Scriptures he had printed out for us. The children joined in with their songs and special Scriptures. Then we went around the circle and each shared one prayer Christ had answered for us in the past year.
We sang a few more songs and then went around the circle again and shared our testimony of what we wanted God to do in our lives for the next year. God really used this time together and there was a spiritual bonding like we had never experienced before.
For many years our family has used a simple manger ceremony to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. My husband, Dan, made a simple manger out of wood. Several times during the holiday season we will meet before we got to bed, and one of the children will read a poem titled “The Manger.” (See poem below.)
Next to the manger is a big basket of straw, and after the poem each member of the family will take a handful of straw and say something–a reflective thought about Jesus, perhaps, or something for which they are thankful–before putting the hay in the manger.
On Christmas morning the children excitedly run downstairs to find baby Jesus (a doll) lying in the manger they prepared for Him. This tradition provides for quality family interaction and devotional times throughout the holiday season. We’ve also used it with guests, and they seem to really enjoy it.
–Nancy Butkowski
The Manger
The time grows near;
Let’s all rejoice
Christmas morn will
soon be here.
God has made His
perfect choice.
The baby Christ’s birth is near.
As each day passes let’s
make it our goal to
prepare a comfy bed
So when the time comes
He’ll have
A place to rest His tiny head.
We’ll add a bit of straw
each time we stop
To reflect on Christ Jesus and
why He came to earth
Until at last the
morning comes
We’ve all been waiting for
And in the bed we’ve
made for Him
Lies Jesus Christ the Lord.
4. Advent wreath decorations
Like many families we set up an advent wreath with candles during the holidays. We’ve made it more meaningful by planning some devotions each year with the lighting of each candle.
Our wreath has four red candles and one white candle. On the fourth Sunday before Christmas, we light the first red candle. We then read passages from Isaiah that tell about the coming of the Messiah: Isaiah 2:1-5, 11:1-9, and 40:3-11.
On the third Sunday before Christmas, we light two red candles, and read Luke 1:26-56 and Isaiah 7:13-14, telling of the mother of Jesus.
On the second Sunday before Christmas, we light three candles and read Luke 2:8-20, which tells about how the shepherds learned of Christ’s birth. We also read about the wise men in Matthew 2:1-12.
On the last Sunday before Christmas we light all four red candles and read Matthew 2:13-23, telling of the flight into Egypt.
Finally, on Christmas Eve we light the white candle and all four red candles. Then we read the Christmas story in Luke 1:26-38 and Luke 2:1-20. We then let the candles continue to burn until bedtime.
–Chris and Connie Randazzo
5. Birthday cake for Jesus
In all the bustle of preparing for Christmas, we may forget what we are celebrating. It is Jesus’ birthday! So to help celebrate His birthday, we make a birthday cake for Him. But this is no ordinary cake.
First, the birthday cake itself symbolizes God’s love for us (John 3:16). It is a chocolate cake, to symbolize our sin, black in God’s own eyes (Romans 3:23). White frosting covers the cake just as Christ’s purity covers our sins (Isaiah 1:18). On top of the cake we put a yellow star to signify the one that shone over Jesus’ manger (Matthew 2:1-2), an angel to indicate the first glad tidings (Luke 2:9-10), and candles to show that Christ is the light of the world (John 8:12). There are 12 candles to remind us that Jesus is the light of the world throughout the 12 months of the year, not just at Christmas. Also, they are red, symbolizing His blood shed for us (Matthew 26:27-28). Finally, we put some evergreens on the cake to signify everlasting life (John 3:16), God’s gift to those who receive it.
The entire cake is shaped like a star, and we actually make two each year–one for ourselves so we can have a birthday party for Jesus, and one to give away to someone whom the Lord put in our lives. We pray as a family to direct us–perhaps to a single-parent family, or a family going through a difficult time.
One year we celebrated Christmas in Florida, and since we didn’t know anyone, we called a local hospital and took it to the pediatric department for the children and staff who were there on Christmas Day. We always include a copy of what the cake symbolizes as an evangelistic outreach.
–Dave and Shirley Bauman
6. Jesus stocking
We had the kids decorate a special stocking with the name of Jesus on it. We hung it up with the other stockings, but the gifts we placed inside were different–we put in objects, drawings, or notes that signified something we wanted to give to God in the coming year. We would think of a spiritual resolution we wanted to make–an area of growth, a commitment to using our spiritual gifts, tangible ways of loving people, etc.–and then think of a way to symbolize that resolution
Once we drew a watch, and wrote underneath the picture that we wanted our time to be under the lordship of God, and we wanted to make Him a priority in our lives. Once we put a map of the world in the stocking, and we prayed as a family that we would be willing to go wherever God wanted us to serve Him.
–Lee and Karen Smith
7. Re-enacting the Christmas story
Children love to pretend. Planning a small production of the Christmas story not only gets their imaginations going, but it also focuses their minds on Jesus and builds a sense of anticipation and excitement.
Assign characters to each person in the family. The younger children can start out being sheep and look forward each year to being a “more important” character. You can give the youngest child the privilege of playing Jesus, or you can use a doll if that child is too old.
Dress the children in bathrobes or sheets with towels tied around their heads. Beards can be painted on with face paint or eyebrow pencil if you like. Riding toys make great donkeys and camels.
It probably works best to have someone narrate the production by reading from the Christmas story. Each character will take his or her place at the appropriate time in the story. When it’s over, sing “Silent Night” for a calming finale.
One of my most prized Christmas videos is also one of my saddest. Let me explain.
Christmas is the season of hope. The time of year when families find blocks of time to be together and the world is reminded of the Christ-child who built a bridge of redemption for those marred by sin. It’s a time when people of faith speak openly and unashamedly about their Savior, and a time when a shared gift warms the heart with love. It is ripe with tradition and ritual: traditions that guide our actions and give meaning to them, and rituals that tell family members who they belong to (the gift of identity), and comfort us with familiarity.
Perhaps one of your family traditions has something to do with attending a Christmas pageant or production at your church. A few years ago I attended a Christmas production at my church and videotaped my wife and three sons who were in the cast. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I got to see how their hard work paid off and be a proud daddy at the same time.
One scene in the play was particularly enjoyable for me; now it is a treasure I will never forget. My middle son, Connor, then 11 years old, sang a solo while holding the baby Jesus. My wife, Nan, was the director of the play, so weeks earlier when she told the production team that she knew exactly who should play the part of the shepherd boy and sing the solo, they hesitated. Can Connor sing? they wondered. Is this another case of director-mom casting her son without true objectivity?
I happened to be at rehearsal the first time Connor sang the song for the cast and musical team. Jaws dropped all over the room as he nailed every note with clarity and boyish charm. He could sing, alright, and everyone attending would be blessed by it.
The Christmas production came off without a hitch and was videotaped as planned. And I’m so glad it was. Connor died 14 months later.
For now, my family has stopped performing and directing Christmas productions. It’s just too painful. But this proud daddy can’t stop watching his son sing Rebecca St. James’ prayer, “Jesus, I love you, my Lord, my Life. Where would I be without You? Here in the quiet, the still, the night, I am in awe of you … Why would You, Creator and King, come as a baby for all, for me? Beautiful Savior, my God, my Friend, I am in awe of You, Lord. I am in awe of You” (from “A Cradle Prayer”).
Now Connor sings with the angels.
In the video Connor holds and rocks a live baby (starring as the baby Jesus) while singing his solo. “You get to sing over Jesus,” I told him one night at rehearsal. “What an honor that is.” After his death I couldn’t help but find comfort in the thought that now Jesus was singing over him.
Connor’s solo is now available for the world to see on YouTube and this proud daddy would love for you to be blessed by it and share it with your family. Christmas is the season of hope; especially for those who have experienced a loss, are unsure of the future, or have been marred by sin (this one includes us all!). Take some time this month to sing a Christmas carol with your children and talk about the gift of grace that is ours to receive—and how even now our Savior is singing His love song over us.
Approximately 57 million people died in 2008. One of them was the famous actor Charlton Heston; another, the genius chess player Bobby Fisher. Then there was Kathleen Doud, who died on June 16 that year.
Kathleen’s friends would describe her as just an ordinary woman. She never accomplished much in the business world. And her wealth sure couldn’t be compared to that of philanthropist Bill Gates. She was a pauper by affluence’s standards.
The fact is that some people today might even consider her to be a “nobody”—a person they never knew … someone they don’t care about remembering. After all, what difference can one ordinary woman make in a world filled with over seven billion people?
Just one person who died several years ago. And yet I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend Kathleen lately.
Kathleen left a priceless legacy. Her passion to share the love of Jesus Christ was vibrant, like the multicolored zinnias she grew in her garden.
I can still picture Kathleen sitting behind the welcome desk at our church. Nearby was a huge bouquet of colorful zinnias—cut from her garden, of course. Who would have guessed that behind her broad smile was a woman who had struggled for more than two decades with cancer? And how could she look so proper in her church dress and freshly sprayed hair, and yet feel comfortable with absolutely anyone?
Look in their eyes
My husband and I often sat behind Kathleen and her husband, Barnie, on Sunday mornings at church. I
couldn’t help but notice the uncommon friendship they made with a couple who frequently sat nearby. The Douds were in their sixties then, and their sons were grown. This young couple was in their twenties, and they had a baby. One glance at Barnie and Kathleen might make a person think of Sunday suits and chicken dinners and hot apple pie, while tattoos and piercings decorated the bodies of the younger couple.
Kathleen told me about the day she and Barnie took their new church friends to their “farm.” In reality it was just a small plot of river land in a community garden where Barnie and Kathleen grew zinnias and vegetables. Kathleen said that the young couple had seldom seen vegetables growing and were amazed at the handiwork of God.
“How did you keep yourself from getting distracted by all of the tattoos and piercings?” I candidly asked her.
Her answer was simple: “I looked into their eyes.”
Mrs. Kathleen
When the young couple looked back, perhaps they sensed the very gaze of Jesus Christ Himself—filled with nothing but unconditional love. As Barnie says, “Kathleen had a love for all people.”
For many years Kathleen led a group of girls who called her “Mrs. Kathleen.” Emily Jones was one of them.
Not too long ago, Emily was asked to write about someone she admired; she chose Kathleen Doud. “When I was in the fifth grade,” she began, “I became very good friends with a lady at my church. She was somewhere in her sixties and her name was Kathleen. Her husband’s name was Barnie and they were the sweetest couple ever. Everybody thought so and everybody loved them.
“Every Wednesday night about 15 fifth- and sixth-grade girls would get together at my church with Mrs. Kathleen. She would tell us Bible stories, play games with us, and we would all sing songs together. It was always very fun. Every night brought something new. All throughout the week I was never able to wait for Wednesdays to finally come …”
Thinking of how God worked through Kathleen to impact her life, Emily calls this ordinary woman “my heroine.” She says, “Mrs. Kathleen … helped me see that every person, no matter what they’ve done or who they are, is important.”
Cancer
Emily and her friends were not the only ones who sensed Kathleen’s value for others. Cancer survivor Arlene Kirk remembers her well. “Kathleen always had a smile,” she says, “and was ready to witness for our Lord whenever you saw her . . . even when she was in the middle of her chemo and not feeling well at all . . . or when her medicine was not working like it should.”
Arlene heard the oncologist say what a witness Kathleen was to him and to everyone around her. And Arlene agrees. “Kathleen never let up with her witnessing, traveling, doing, even though at times she was very ill.”
Her legacy lives on
God didn’t call Kathleen to be successful in the world’s eyes, but He called her to be faithful. And that she was. She consistently sowed the love of Jesus Christ in her home, in her church, and wherever she went.
Once again this spring I planted zinnia seeds into the moist soil and wondered, How many fields will be covered in blooms of orange, and yellow, and red because of Kathleen’s original seeds? How many lives did she touch … and how many is she still touching today?
Kathleen Doud was somebody. Somebody extraordinarily famous in God’s eyes.
Somebody who left an amazing legacy.
Somebody I will always remember.
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go … some people stay awhile and leave footprints on our heart and we are never the same.” —Flavia Weedn
Copyright 2012 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
Throughout the last several years, I’ve enjoyed the distinct honor of sharing a speaker’s stage with two beloved authors and Bible teachers—Kay Arthur and Beth Moore. And during one of our recent panel discussions before thousands of women, Miss Kay summarized a huge dose of marriage reality into so tight a capsule that any of us could swallow it and keep it down.
She said that men possess two great fears:
the fear of being found inadequate.
the fear of being controlled by a woman.
These fears lead them to the following attitudes and aspirations: Your man wants to be your hero. He wants to feel like he is worthwhile to you and needed by you. He desires more than anything to see a look of love and admiration in your eyes. He wants to know that you celebrate him, depend on him, feel privileged to be married to him, and expect great things from him.
Let’s see what these twin fears in our guys’ lives have to do with us and what will happen if we try to alleviate them.
His fear of inadequacy
Your husband desires to know more than anything that you trust him, that you believe he has the wisdom and talent to succeed. He is fulfilled when he senses that, despite his inadequacies, you see the possibilities and potential God has given him as your provider and protector. He likes knowing you’re praying for him, rooting for him, assuring him that he still has what it takes to be the man of your dreams. When he feels genuinely affirmed by you, it makes him want to live up to your trust in most cases. Then even when he falls short, it will be apparent that his desire was to meet your expectations. You’ll see in his eyes that he was trying to please you.
This alone should be some cause for your continued trust and appreciation, as opposed to blanket disapproval (which we are often notorious for offering). When he starts to sense that all you ever think he can do is to be sloppy, forgetful, unimaginative, irresponsible, weak, indecisive, and clueless, he will become less inclined and motivated over time to prove you wrong. He knows you’ll only find something to be critical of anyway.
I know your man’s not perfect. Not even close, you say? He knows it too. He’s not delusional. He knows he’s flawed, even if he’s not quick to admit it out loud. But just like you and me, he is not to be defined by his imperfections. He has been divinely wired to be a leader, father, and provider for your family. And the last thing he needs or wants is a wife who doesn’t believe it, who’s always correcting him, unwilling to either recognize or support these qualities in him.
A voice of support, confidence, and encouragement from you is electric to him. It quells the continual struggle against any sense of inadequacy that smolders inside of him. When you pull him aside to pray for him, when you tell him he’s been on your mind, when he sees in your eyes that you’re proud of the man he’s becoming, it’s like a shot of pure adrenaline to his system. It’s the soft warmth of security that comforts him from the ridicule of a harsh world and the internal jeering of his own insecurity.
Sure, there are times for talking plainly and honestly about things he needs to improve and watch out for. But probably not right now in the heat of the moment with that disappointment written all over his face. And probably not until he already knows for sure that your basic default is to love and take delight in him. An overall demeanor of gratitude will go a long way whenever the occasional reality check is called for.
If you’re like me, you have an inclination to be overly critical of your husband’s actions. But if your husband is anything like mine (and I suspect he is), he bristles at being corrected, criticized, and mothered by you. It makes him feel belittled and insignificant. Beaten down and discouraged. And even if you think that’s the way he ought to feel about himself after what he’s done and not done for you and your marriage, this sets a man up to be even more damaging and destructive to his entire family. It’s not good for anybody.
Men, honestly, even with all their complexities, are really very basic and uncomplicated. Our cutting, nagging comments can wound them deeply, especially when the disapproval builds up over time. What we think of as no more than a little jab about a specific incident becomes a stabbing wound that leaves a hole in their manhood.
Yet equally as powerful are our simple, honest, even offhand compliments that can make our husbands feel like a million bucks. When we make it our business to remind them of their position in Christ and the potential and possibility that lies within them—not because we’re patronizing them but because we truly believe it—they feel on top of the world. One man told me that a little compliment his wife paid him one morning as he was leaving for work caused him to have confidence in his abilities all day at the office. It pays for us to choose wisely what we say and how we choose to say it.
Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.
But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.
So even in the most minor of baby steps, will you begin inching forward in your visible signs of trust and affirmation toward him? Will you allow him the new (or at least long-forgotten) experience of walking into the day with his wife’s love and esteem trailing behind him? Will you look him in the eye and tell him you’re not devising a plan B, a fall-back arrangement in case he doesn’t ultimately pan out—that he is your one and only plan A?
And now, to the second of his fears.
His fear of being controlled
Males and females have equal value, but we are not the same. Your standards and opinions are different from his, perhaps in many areas of potential contention. But that doesn’t mean his way is necessarily wrong. It’s just different, though equally as crucial and valuable to the successful outcome of the situation. If you try to control him and force him into your way of thinking, you will break something that probably doesn’t need fixing, just understanding and valuing.
When your husband feels like he’s being controlled, he will eventually shut down completely, relegating his role of leadership to you, since “you seem to be doing such a good job at it anyway.” The result is a shadow of the man you once knew and loved—a deflated, disinterested slacker who makes few decisions and shows little initiative. Then, in the vicious cycle created by this marital dynamic, you become increasingly overwhelmed, frustrated, and upset because you feel like you’re bearing the burden he should be carrying—when in actuality, it’s the very burden you snatched away from him because you didn’t like how he was doing it.
But if, on the other hand, he doesn’t feel like he’s being bullied out of his God-given position as the leader in the home or held up to your overbearing, micromanaging scrutiny, he’ll not only be more likely to settle in to his potential but also to seek your help and willingly relinquish certain responsibilities that you’re clearly more equipped to handle. In other words, he won’t mind admitting that you’re better than him in a particular area. So some of the things you’ve been vying to claim more control and influence over may come back to you without a fight—as if it was his idea all along—once he doesn’t feel like he has no choice but to abdicate.
And you know what? This could also rebound to you in the areas of intimacy and romance. A man who feels controlled by his wife loses much of his desire for being tender toward a woman who sounds, acts, and treats him more like his mother. No wonder he doesn’t look dreamily into her eyes or spark romantic endeavors with her the way he used to do when she just wanted to be his sweetheart and allowed him to be her champion.
I’ve never seen a car whose engine started just because the driver was sitting behind the wheel, demanding that it move forward. Certain things need to happen before she can get the car to go—key in the ignition, maneuvered into the right gear, gently pressing on the accelerator. Men aren’t “turned on” by a demanding, screaming wife who doesn’t recognize their value and significance but by wives who know the strategic steps for getting them started. Control and intimacy are on opposing, collision courses that will inevitably banish passion to the long-term parking lot, eventually rusting out, in need of major repair. Backing off your husband helps him feel more confident, more fulfilled. And the result is a guy who loves being around you, enjoys long talks with you, and remembers how to romance you.
Helping him overcome
Two fears. Fear of inadequacy and fear of being controlled. You can do something about them both. In fact, your husband will never get over them without you.
But with you … who knows?
You are the ”suitable” helper (Genesis 2:18) the Lord has given him to assist him in realizing that with God’s help he can be proficient, honorable, trustworthy, and fully capable of becoming the man God intends him to be despite his fears.
Driving down Preston Road, I was dutifully transporting children to school with my then-14-year-old son sitting shotgun, when I learned how this kid defines the American Dream. As is typical of this particular area in Dallas, we were surrounded by opulence: on our left was a Lexus, on our right a Porsche, and directly in front, a silver Maserati.
“Mom.” Abandoning his pose of boredom, my son perked up. “Which one of those do you think I’d look best in? I think the Porsche … Yeah. That’s what car I’m going to get when I’m 16.”
Fighting back nausea, I looked at him. “What planet are you on? And how do you think you will pay for one of those cars?” A question I knew had no answer, since his primary activity involves a screen and remote control.
Who is raising this kid? I thought. Is materialism and money all he thinks about? Where have all my words of wisdom gone? The hours of volunteer service, the countless lectures on being content with what you have, and all the brilliant soliloquies I’ve delivered on the fact that “stuff” will never really satisfy you—has none of that penetrated his brain?
After dropping him off, I passed through the last school zone on my way home and dialed my sister-in-law, who is also one of my best friends. Not only did I need to vent my frustration, I needed reassurance that I wasn’t crazy and that there is a light at the end of this self-centered teenager tunnel. After we exchanged similar stories, I had a sobering epiphany.
“I think I’m raising little socialists,” I said, “the serve-me kind that are numb to the benefits of ingenuity and hard work, the kind that don’t just need to be taken care of—they expect it.”
And why not? That’s what I have apparently been raising them to expect. In that moment and in the days that followed, I came to realize that not one of my five children knew how to do their own laundry. Not one could clean a bathroom—I mean, really clean it. Not one could cook, serve, and clean up after a full dinner. I wasn’t sure my 8-year-old could even cut his waffles.
Ugh!
To be fair, my children can do a lot of amazing things. They are genuinely great kids. But they’d been getting a sweet free ride, especially in their home life. With me stepping in and doing for them—rarely, if ever, putting genuine responsibilities on their plate—they didn’t have a chance to realize their potential.
As I’ve since discovered in conversations with other parents, ours was not an isolated case. Raising independent kids is countercultural these days. Instead of teaching our children to view themselves as capable, we step in to do everything for them. We start when they’re still young, using safety as our lame excuse (“She’ll fall if I don’t hover”), then we continue “protecting” them (“If I don’t help him get As, how will he get into college?”). We pave a smooth pathway, compulsively clearing away each pebble of disappointment or difficulty before it can impede their progress. By the time they reach adolescence, they’re so used to being taken care of that they have no idea they’re missing out on discovering what they can do or who they can be.
What message are we sending our kids?
Incidents like these and countless others brought to my attention a malady that had infected my home. Youth entitlement seems to have reached epidemic proportions in both my family and society as a whole—and I was appalled to realize that I, like many of today’s well-meaning parents, am a primary carrier of the germ.
With the greatest of intentions and in the name of love, we have developed a tendency to hover, race in to save, protect from failure, arrange for success, manipulate, overprotect, and enable our kids. Freeing their schedules for sports, school, and increasingly important time with friends, we strive to make our children’s lives easier or to make success a sure thing by doing it all for them. We shower them with accolades, proclaiming how wonderful they are—yet we rarely give them the opportunity to confirm the substance of that praise. All our efforts send the clear, though unspoken and unintended, message “I’ll do it for you because you can’t” or “No sense in your trying because I can do it better and faster.”
Those messages are really the opposite of what I want my kids to hear from me. I want them to hear the truth—that with hard work, perseverance, and discipline, they can do anything they put their minds and muscles to.
We impart the message that achievement is paramount. Then we do everything in our power to ensure their success—by sticking ourselves smack-dab in the middle. The result? A group of kids now labeled as “Gen Me,” because they behave as if the world revolves around them. Some experts even use the term narcissistic. Is their behavior worthy of a clinical diagnosis? Maybe or maybe not. But evidence clearly suggests we now have a group of overserved kids who are struggling once they leave the nest to find their place in life.
This realization convinced me of the need to redefine my parenting approach. Instead of communicating “I love you, so let me make life easy for you,” I decided that my message needed to be something more along these lines: “I love you. I believe in you. I know what you’re capable of. So I’m going to make you work.”
Reversing course
Whatever happened to teaching, directing, and modeling rather than doing everything for our children?
Remember taking driver’s ed? I learned how to drive in Wichita Falls, Texas, at the local driver’s education school. After enduring hour upon hour of boring lectures, students moved to the hands-on portion of the class: actual driving. Our instructor pulled up to the curb, hoisted the gigantic Student Driver sign onto the roof of the car, then climbed into the passenger’s side, which was equipped with an extra brake pedal. Off we went.
On those countless white-knuckle rides, our instructor rarely employed the safety brake as he calmly guided each nervous driver onto a freeway, into a parallel parking spot, and through our small downtown—all while enduring ridiculous teenage humor, jeers, eye rolls, snickers, and under-our-breath comments. The old guy patiently taught us how to navigate a car by ourselves. Why? Because he knew that one day soon he would be sharing the road with us … as oncoming traffic.
Thanks to his approach, by the time I took my driver’s test, I could do it all and do it well. Would I have eventually learned how to drive if, during our driving sessions, he had been doing it for me? Probably. But it would have been much harder. Because I was allowed to do it myself—and occasionally fail, or at least hop a curb or two—with a capable instructor by my side, I gained significant confidence and valuable experience.
Yet as a parent, I’m constantly surprised by an inexplicable desire to take the driver’s seat for my kids. A desire to basically do everything for them. I can barely stop myself from stepping in, even though I know my meddling doesn’t help them in the long run. Maybe it’s my need to control it all, to get things done quickly and efficiently, and to maintain order. Whether it’s ordering for them at Chick-fil-A, making their beds, all but brushing their teeth, I’m surprised at the lengths to which I’ve gone to make life easy for my kids.
When I catch myself muttering under my breath, “I told them to pick this up,” and then proceeding not only to pick up pajamas, towels, and shoes but also to organize their closet while I’m at it, I’m solidifying my children’s expectation that someone will always be around to do their work for them. I also make it harder for them to put things away, since I’ve basically stolen the chance for them to organize their closets based on their own logic. When I step in, not only am I doing the work, but I’m inviting the countless whines of “where are my kneepads?” It’s the same with cooking or sweeping or mopping or bush trimming. I’m not sure any of these things have ever crossed their minds as tasks they might need to know how to do.
None of us want needy kids. We want them to be equipped to conquer the world rather than waiting for it to serve them.
The only way to conquer youth entitlement is one house at a time. What a privilege we have to celebrate all that these kids have to offer and to help them realize their potential by bringing on the work. It’s incredibly exciting to consider the abundant possibilities just around the corner for a generation empowered by parents and other adults who believe in them, support them by teaching real-life skills, and then pile on the responsibility. Think about the ramifications of unleashing this tech-savvy crew on global economic issues, seemingly incurable diseases, and age-old political conflict.
So here’s to seeing what can happen when we tell our kids, “I believe in you, and I’m going to prove it by putting you to work.”
In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the winning team is usually the one that made the most significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at halftime-give their players the key adjustments that will gain them the advantage in the final quarters.
A winning marriage requires the same mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring proactive adjustments await them in their relationship. Barbara and I were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced early in marriage resulted from our differing backgrounds. Barbara grew up in a nice suburban setting near Chicago and later in a suburb of Houston. I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, a tiny town in the sticks. Barbara came into our marriage a refined young lady. I was a genuine hillbilly. In some ways, we seemed to have come from two different countries, and on some issues, different galaxies.
Some issues triggering the need for adjustments in marriage are major: being raised in a dual- or single-parent family; being an only child or growing up with several siblings; coming from an economically challenged family or a family that had it all; growing up with parents who did not embrace religious faith. The list goes on and on: opposite personalities, differing cultural backgrounds.
Minimally, a couple will have to adjust to differing traditions, values, habits, and rules learned in unique backgrounds. As time passes, other adjustments to sexual performance, financial pressures, and job demands may be required. And let’s not forget a big adjustment in a small package-spelled B-A-B-Y! That’s right: the first child.
Often the minor differences cause the most frustration and require the most creative flexibility. Someone has said, “We are worn down less by the mountain we climb than by the grain of sand in our shoe.”
One of those tiny grains of sand can be the toilet seat. The husband may come from a family of all boys where the toilet seat’s default position was up. If this guy marries a girl from a family of all girls, where the seat remained in the horizontal dimension, you know the potential for conflict and the need for adjustment.
In our home, for years a grain of sand was the way I “helped” Barbara by putting my socks in the clothes hamper wrong side out so that “the dirty side got washed.” She has finally trained me to do it the “right” way.
Resolve doubts promptly
Every married individual must adjust to qualities in a spouse that were not noticed or were ignored during the dreamy days of dating. How many people have encountered a painful frustration in marriage and asked themselves, “Why did I do this? Did I marry the wrong person?”
If these questions arise, you need to confront them immediately. If you don’t resolve these doubts promptly, they will hang indefinitely like a distant storm cloud on the horizon of your relationship.
Anyone struggling with this question should go back to the biblical admonition in Genesis 2:24-25, where spouses are commanded to leave, cleave, become one flesh, and be completely transparent with each other. If you are bothered by such doubts, face them by getting away alone for a weekend to seek out the Lord and pray for His peace on this matter.
Let me assure you that you are married to the right person. How do I know this? Because God hates divorce and wants your marriage to last. You may have gone against some biblical admonitions in getting to where you are in your marriage, but the Scripture is clear: You’re not to try to undo a “mistake” and, in the process, make a second mistake.
The solution to handling issues of adjustment lies in regarding your relationship as more important than your individual values and desires. If you hold on tightly to what you want, you’ll never get to the point where you understand that the well-being of the overall relationship is what ultimately matters.
Key points on adjustments
Here are some points to remember as you make adjustments in your relationship:
First, recognize that adjustments are inevitable. Every married couple has to deal with the grains of sand in their shoes. It’s 100 percent normal. If you realize up front that you will have to make changes in your behavior and learn to tolerate frustrating traits in your spouse, your attitude will be more in line with what James wrote: “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials” (James 1:2). He said to consider it all joy when you encounter trials, not if you encounter them.
Second, understand that adjustments have a divine purpose. God uses these issues to combine two unique people into something new called “us.” I also believe that God uses adjustments to teach us how to love another dramatically different, imperfect human being. At prime moments, God will use your marriage to show you how to love the unlovely.
Third, ask God for wisdom on how to live with this person who’s different from you. Instead of trying to change your spouse and correct all of the bad habits, how can you accept the situation or adjust yourself? Barbara realized this early in our marriage. She recalls, “I had to realize that God had to change Dennis. I couldn’t.” Marriage may be an institution, but it isn’t a reformatory.
Fourth, be more concerned about your own rough spots than those of your spouse. Jesus said we should take the log out of our own eye before trying to take the speck out of someone else’s eye. That’s truly advice made in heaven for marriage. If I’m not willing to make changes, how can I expect Barbara to change?
Fifth, make a commitment to work through the inevitable adjustments. The apostle Paul provided guidelines for handling adjustment rhubarbs when they come your way: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself” (Philippians 2:3). That’s a description of a grace-based marriage-giving your partner room to be different and flexing on his or her behalf.
Sometimes at our Weekend to Remember marriage getaways, the speaker asks couples to face each other and say aloud, “You are not my enemy.” Later in the conference husbands and wives go a step farther when they say to each other, “You are my friend.”
Do you consider your wife or husband a friend? If not, is it possible that the two of you have not adjusted to each other’s differences and are letting the “nitpicky” issues in life rub away the good feelings in your relationship?
Making adjustments is usually not easy, but the rewards are worth the effort. What changes could you make today that will communicate clearly that your spouse is a dear friend, not an enemy?
My co-host on the radio program FamilyLife Today, Bob Lepine, has used a very practical tool to ease adjustments in his marriage. According to Bob, he and his wife, Mary Ann, express their individual preferences on a given topic by degrees. For example, when trying to decide where to eat out, both persons state their wishes on several restaurants. If neither one wants to champion a particular eating place, it’s eliminated. Then Bob may say, “I’ve got a mild preference for Chinese food.” Mary Anne may respond, “Well, I have a pretty strong preference for Mexican food.” Bob probably replies, “Well, your strong preference beats my mild preference. Let’s eat Mexican.”
Of course, the next time it may switch-by then Bob may be dying for some Chinese, and Mary Ann acquiesces.
The person with the weaker preference is usually the one who winds up flexing and letting the other person have his or her strong preference. But the person not getting his wish-this time-experiences the joy of seeing the other person get pleasure out of the strong preference.
Do you ever feel like your brain might explode if you have to remember one more thing? It’s no wonder—we’ve got a lot to remember! Passwords to access different websites. A code for voicemail. A PIN for the ATM at your bank. Home phone numbers and cell phone numbers.
Parents certainly feel the pain brought by information glut. Everywhere we turn someone is offering more advice on how to do it right with our children. We would like to help you simplify your priorities as a parent—whether your children are preschoolers, preadolescents, teenagers, or even young adults.
Let’s pretend we are old friends who, after several years, have just bumped into each other while making connections at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago. After exchanging greetings, you begin telling us about some of your struggles as a parent. We nod and smile—“Been there. Done that. Several times.”
You ask for our advice. We all look at our watches—30 minutes until you board your flight for Hawaii and we head back to Little Rock. You offer to buy the Starbucks coffee. Here’s our best shot—seven guiding priorities for parenting. The coffee is hot, your pen and notepad are ready; here goes.
Priority 1: Prayer
This one probably does not surprise you. But before you glance at your watch and start tapping your foot, please consider carefully what we have gleaned.
Pray regularly. Bring every concern, dream, and desire about your child to God in fervent, persistent prayer. (Luke 18:1–8 contains a great parable on persistent prayer that must have been for parents of teenagers.) Two of the best times to pray with your child are on the way to school (assuming you drive him) and at bedtime—regardless of age. When our teenagers began to drive themselves to school, we used breakfast for this prayer time.
Bedtime prayers can be more personal for each child. Pray for his future spouse, his relationships, his activities, his challenges, his temptations, and his heart for God. Don’t assume that a teenager is too big for you to kneel beside his bed and stroke his face and pray.
Pray offensively. Before and after your child hits adolescence, pray for his peer group—that he will have at least one strong Christian buddy for the teenage years. Ask God to protect your child daily from others who would be an evil influence. Also consider asking God to help you spot your child doing things right so that you can encourage him in making right choices.
Pray defensively. On more than one occasion we sought the Lord’s help in removing a friend of questionable character from a child’s life. From time to time we felt that one of our teens might be deceiving us, but we could never be absolutely certain. In those situations we asked God to help us catch him if he’s doing something wrong. God seems to feel sorry for parents who pray this prayer! Pray when God brings your child to your mind. It may be at that very moment, your child is facing a circumstance of critical importance.
Pray with your child. It’s easy for prayer to become an exclusive dialogue—you and God. Why not do what one mom, Nina, did with her teenage daughter, Natalie, and become prayer partners? Natalie’s teenage years were filled with special moments in which she and her mom knelt together and prayed over Natalie’s struggles and challenges.
Pray together as a couple. During all our years of marriage we have ended each day in prayer together as a couple. No spiritual discipline has protected our marriage and our family more than this daily time of communion together with God.
Priority 2: Standards
If you think about it, there are dozens of things you will teach your children over the years. When Barbara and I began parenting, we began developing a list that eventually became 40 Lessons We Sought to Teach Our Children. And from this list you develop standards—how you want your children to treat each other, how they will respect you as their parents, etc.
Many parents haven’t talked clearly about these standards. If you have teenagers, for example, have you and your spouse talked about dating, driving, jobs, grades, curfews, friends, and after-school activities? The list seems endless at times. We promise this: If you don’t nail down your own convictions ahead of time, your teenager and his peer group will establish their own! If you have not agreed as a couple upon guidelines (specific boundaries and standards for your child during pre-teen and teen years), your child will soon hit you with the divide-and-conquer strategy. Children are experts on whether dad or mom is the easy target on certain issues.
Priority 3. Involvement
We are not suggesting that you become the ultimate soccer mom. That’s not bad—being there at all of your child’s activities—but involvement means much more than driving the carpool and never missing a dance recital. Involvement means crawling inside your child’s head and heart. Involvement is moving from the outside to the interior of a child’s life.
Involvement means diving into the turbulent currents caused by emotions—the child’s and the parent’s. Soul to soul. Heart to heart.
Priority 4: Training
The best parenting is proactive, not reactive. The reactive parent stays in a defensive posture, continually reacting to a child’s mistakes. A proactive parent goes on the offensive and does what is necessary to become the child’s trainer. Effective training involves at least three parts.
First, parents need to see the goal clearly. They need to know what they are trying to achieve in their child’s life.
Second, effective training involves repetition. A Green Beret once told me, “As Green Berets, we train to learn what to do in every conceivable circumstance—over and over and over again. Then in times of battle we know what to do. It’s just second nature to us.”
That is a picture of what we parents should do. We train our children and instruct them in making the right choices in the circumstances they will face. And we do it over and over, until it becomes second nature to them.
Finally, training involves accountability. One of the major mistakes parents make is giving children too much freedom without appropriate oversight. This is especially true if a family has more than two children. We tend to over-control our firstborn child and release the younger children prematurely.
My mom was the master at accountability during my (Dennis) teenage years. She demanded to know where I was and what I was doing. I can still hear her saying, “Where are you going? Who will be there? What time will you be home?” And my dad was right in there with her. The first night that I was allowed to go out in the car he wrote down the mileage on the odometer and gave me a five-mile maximum limit.
Priority 5: Community
We have become increasingly convinced and alarmed that one of the most damaging changes that has occurred in recent years is the loss of community in raising our children. We used to look out for the children of others far more than we do now.
This type of involvement is rare today. In our age of tolerance, we have developed the philosophy that we have no right to tell another parent about a concern we have about his child. And our children suffer from our failure to be involved in the lives of others.
We learned through experience how much we needed the help of others to monitor and correct our children. Friends, true friends, cared enough to courageously call and express a concern about something they’d seen one of our children doing that they knew we wouldn’t approve of. Those are tough phone calls to make. And tough to receive. But in each and every case we’ve seen God use these circumstances to help us keep a child out of a threatening trap.
There is a natural community that we need to do a better job of tapping into for our children’s accountability. It’s your church and mine. Certainly this group of folks ought to have the right perspective on the value and worth our children possess. We are in this thing together, and that should pertain especially to raising the generation that is the future of the church.
Priority 6: Direction
We have found that most Christian parents desire more than anything else to raise children who will grow up to love Jesus Christ and walk with Him. With that overall objective in mind, we searched the Scriptures to discern what biblical goals we should aim for with our children. The four qualities we developed gave us four clear goals to pursue as we molded our children. Nearly every issue or trap our children will encountered could be linked to a young person’s need in one of four areas:
Identity: Every person is born with a unique, divinely imprinted identity. If we want to properly guide our children to a healthy self-identity, we must acknowledge and support the Creator’s design in three key areas: spiritual identity, emotional identity, and sexual identity. We must also communicate with them one of the most important messages they will ever receive—“You are made in the image of God. You are one valuable child.”
Character: From Genesis to Revelation, character development is a major theme of God’s work in people. And it’s one of the major assignments God gives us as parents. Character is how your child responds to authority and life’s circumstances.
Relationships: None of us was intended to make a journey through life alone. We need the strength, comfort, encouragement, resources, and power provided by God and others.
Mission: Every person needs a reason to live, a driving passion or calling that provides meaning and impact. Every child should be helped to understand that life is a dynamic relationship with God that overflows in love to other people–a love that the Holy Spirit uses to reconcile the lost to God. Everything else, as good or innocuous as it may be, is only a prop to facilitating this mission.
Priority 7: Perseverance
Parenting is not a weekend project. We’re talking years—the rest of your life, actually. Fortunately, adolescence does have a time limit, but we’ll never make it if we have to see immediate results for our efforts.
Perseverance is the parenting quality that helps you keep doing all the other important things—the praying, training, and setting standards. You will get tired. You will experience pain. The ones we are sacrificing for—our children—will sometimes say and do things that hurt us deeply. They do that because they are still children, and “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child” (Proverbs 22:15).
At times we may have to endure even a broken heart, but we must not lose hope. Galatians 6:9 tells us. “And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.”
In thinking about the perseverance needed by parents, we smile and take heart at the pithy quote by the great English preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon: “It was by perseverance that the snail reached the ark.”
There you have it, our 30-minute summary, with probably a minute or two to spare.
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
Imagine your boss came into your office and said, “Congratulations, you have just been promoted.” What if that promotion meant stepping into a job for which you felt inadequate and/or unprepared? How would you respond? Would you say, “Thank you, sir, but I am not up to the task”? Or would you say, “Thank you, sir, I’ll do my best”? I think most of us would welcome the challenge and rise to the occasion.
As parents, that’s exactly what God said to us when He gave us children. He said, “Congratulations, you’ve just been promoted to the position of parent.” That means that everything God requires of parents is part of your new job description. At this point you have two choices. You can either say, “Thank You, God, but You must have taken momentary leave of Your senses. There’s no way I can train my children in the Word.” Or you can say, “Thank You, God. I know You don’t make mistakes, and if You gave me this child, You will also give me everything I need to bring her up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
I wish I could say that my response was the latter. However, I must admit that I was terrified. I was a 21-year-old college junior who had been married for 10 months. I remember looking at one of my professors and asking, “What am I going to do?” He looked back at me and said, “You are going to do the same thing fathers have been doing for thousands of years.” Suddenly it dawned on me—I wasn’t the first man to become a father while he was in college. I could handle this. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew that with God’s help I could handle this.
My professor’s words of encouragement have echoed in my mind for the past 15 years. I am still trying to navigate my role as a husband and father, but I am sure that God has given me what I need to accomplish the task to which I have been called.
Teaching is the best teacher
As homeschool parents, my wife and I are often asked how we homeschool two high-school-aged children. Many families believe they could never teach their children at home past the third grade! I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the standard line, “By the time they reach high school, they’ll be past anything I could handle.”
Whenever my wife and I encounter such comments we merely reply, “You only have to stay a week ahead.” I love to see the look on people’s faces when they realize the simple yet profound truth of this statement. All we really need to do to teach our children is stay a step ahead of them. Of course, this means that we must be in a constant state of learning, but it is doable.
The same is true in teaching the Bible.
So many parents think they don’t have enough Bible knowledge to teach their children. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you can read, you can teach your children God’s Word. All you have to do is stay a step ahead of them.
Don’t be afraid. God has given you everything you need to do this. You don’t have to be a seminary-trained theologian to read the Bible and talk about what it means. Besides, God would not have given you the responsibility unless He knew you could handle it.
One of the oft-forgotten Reformation doctrines is the doctrine of the perspicuity (or understandability) of the Bible. God has given us the Bible in an understandable form. We do not have to break codes or unravel riddles in order to understand the basic teaching of God’s Word.
The role of the home in teaching the Bible
Contrary to popular belief, the home—not the church—has been entrusted with the primary responsibility of teaching children the Bible. In our age of professionalism we tend to hire out virtually every parental responsibility. We want Johnny to succeed at sports, so we hire a professional for private lessons. We want Susie to get into a good college, so we hire a special tutor to boost her SAT score. And we want our children to be upstanding citizens and Christians, so we hire a children’s pastor or youth minister.
There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to succeed (as long as we have a biblical view of success). Nor is there anything inherently wrong with seeking help when we need it. However, we have gone beyond seeking help to abdicating our responsibility.
Both of my older children play classical piano. They have a teacher who is very serious about her craft. She insists that her students practice daily, attend lessons weekly, be evaluated at a piano guild, participate in at least one concert and one contest annually, and pass the annual state theory exam.
While each of these requirements is challenging, the one that requires the greatest level of parental encouragement is the state theory exam. However, my oldest child recently had a breakthrough. She realized that her commitment to and subsequent grasp of music theory was the catalyst for her recent growth as a player. She realized that the notes on the page represented what she was to play but the theory was the why. Now she is poised not only to play music but to compose it as well.
Our worldview shapes the way we think
If giving our children a biblical worldview is the why of family-driven faith, giving them biblical instruction is the what. Our worldview shapes the way we think, but learning and memorizing the Scriptures determine what we think. For example, a child with a biblical worldview may understand the inherent dignity of his parents as human beings created in the image of God, but a child with biblical instruction also knows that the God who created his parents says, “Honor your mother and father.” It is not an either/or proposition but a both/and mandate. We must give our children a biblical worldview, and we must instruct them in the Word of God.
In fact, without the Word of God there is no biblical worldview.
In 1979, my father, Larry, was the manager of computer operations for a major oil company. It was the dawn of the computer age and, at that time, computers were just beginning to change from luxuries to necessities. In an industry of high competition, time was just as valuable as money. Then, it happened.
For no apparent reason, the computer room (at that time, computers took up rooms, not laps or desktops) shut down—dead. The computer operators were not able to reboot the computer and could not find any reason for the problem. In an effort to get up and running, Larry called in the A-Team of technicians … no success. They called in the regional technicians … no success. The room was full of operators, managers, and junior and senior technicians all scratching their heads.
The next day, an intern returned from vacation and wondered what the problem was. No one gave him a very thorough answer, convinced he had nothing additional to offer. He strolled around the room to kill time and then asked, “Shouldn’t this button be pushed in?” He pushed it, and the computer rebooted.
The technicians and managers, my father included, had gone to great lengths to address the problems. Yet all the while, the solution was so simple; it’s just that no one stopped to think of the basics.
In the same way, as parents we are so willing to give our children all we think they need. We give them food, clothing, and shelter. We give them entertainment and enrichment. We sacrifice our own hobbies, preferences, and personal interests on their behalf. Most of us would give our own lives to ensure their success and happiness. Yet is it possible that we are missing their most important need?
Corrie ten Boom once wrote, “Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?” As parents we should be asking ourselves, “Is prayer for our children a normal part of our daily lives … or is it something we do only when we feel helpless?”
The truth is, we can never pray enough. We need power from God to do all He’s called us to do, and so do our children. In addition, we are raising our children in a world with values contrary to our own—a world that seeks to attack and destroy our children. And so much of the attack is out of our control. We can’t defend them against all of these attacks, but we can always pray!
A common misunderstanding
With all of the needs children have, many parents wonder if prayer is actually their greatest need. This often stems from a very common misunderstanding. As parents we fall into the trap of believing that we are the ones providing food, clothing, and shelter. We think we are the ones giving them the love and care they need, building character into their lives, and teaching them spiritual truths. While we are often used by God as the vehicle for these needs, it is always God who provides all things, and it is God who is responsible for moving in their hearts (Matthew 6:25-33).
Even the most well intended parents cannot force their children to accept their love and care. While most children will not deny a free home and free food, not all will see these as tangible acts of love.
God is at work in the lives and hearts of your children. He is the One who restrains your children—and you—from being the worst among sinners. God orchestrates the events in their lives, and ultimately they will come to faith only when His Spirit draws them.
That’s why praying for our children must top our list of parenting priorities. In their book, While They Are Sleeping, Anne Arkins and Gary Harrell write:
One of the most important things we can do for our children may occur in the still of the night—while all is quiet, and they are sound asleep. That is … to pray for them—faithfully, and fervently petitioning the Father on their behalf—involving ourselves in the work He is doing in their lives. Prayer changes things … prayer changes people. There are many times when far greater results come from quiet communion with God than from all the rhetoric available to mankind.
As parents, God calls us to much action. We are to take part joyfully in the care and nurture of our children. It requires much commitment and stamina. However, all might just be for naught if we fail to recognize our need for God’s power, their need for God’s power—their need for prayer.
Praying for our children
Even when we realize the importance of praying for our children, we often allow ourselves to be deterred, even discouraged, in the process. Here are a few suggestions to help you pray for your children with effectiveness and power.
A: Acknowledge before God that your children belong first to Him, then to you. Acknowledge that His love for them is even greater than your love for them. Acknowledge that He can and does influence them more than you do. Acknowledge your own dependence upon Him to fulfill the calling He’s given you as a parent (John 15:5).
B: Be an example of Christian integrity for your children. Don’t be their excuse for not doing as they ought. Be available to pray with, and not just for, your children. Be trustworthy as a model of Christlikeness for them. Recall what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11:1: “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.” The calling is this: Be what you desire them to be.
C: Consistency is key. Don’t give up on them. Allow consistency to characterize your prayer life for them as well as your love and care of them. Consider using a prayer guide such as While They Were Sleeping or a book like How a Man Prays for His Family to encourage regular prayer. Don’t allow the behavior of your children to draw you away from praying. They will feel your lack of consistency; they will feel your consistency as well (Psalm 1).
Stick with it
It really can be that simple—and that challenging—all at once. As complicated as parenting can be, how sad it is to know so many who have forgotten the simple and uncomplicated blessing of praying as parents. As we pursue effective parenting techniques, we have to remember the basic call to pray … to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
There comes a time when our children may not express their love to us in the same way. It may seem as though they are pulling away. Don’t allow this tendency to create a distance. Pursue your children with great fervor. Pursue God on your children’s behalf all the more. Stick it out, both in action and in prayer, until you release them from your home and into their own lives as adults.
As you do this, you will communicate to your children that they always have someone on their side fighting in their corner. They’ll know you mean it, and it will give them great confidence. They may not always appreciate it. They may even try to push it away. If they do, consider these words from evangelist Charles Spurgeon: “If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one go there unwarned and unprayed for.”
This is the type of sacrificial love and prayer our children need to see, feel, and experience from all of us. If our children succeed in life, let us thank God for His great work in their lives. If they wander into the things of this world, let it not be because their mom and dad failed to plead with God on their behalf. And, if and when they return, let us again turn our thanks and praise to God Himself, who is the great Father of us all.
I’m not exactly a bejeweled kind of guy. Yet I wear this woven thing around my wrist. My eldest daughter made it about a year ago, and when she gave it to me, I thought, Oh, that’s sweet, but nothing too unusual—Tori’s a thoughtful girl, and we have that kind of relationship.
But as it turns out, this wasn’t any ole object d’art she created. I guess you could say it was a form of show-and-tell for high school that’s still telling. It was part of an oral report assignment, which was to write an essay about the meaning of a best friend, and she said I was the only one in her life who fit all of the criteria. When she told me what it represented, I was moved to tears.
“Really?” Wow.
Yep, this true blue Southern boy wears a bracelet. Whenever I wonder if I’m on the right dad-track, it’s right there for inspiration and encouragement. That bracelet will have to rot off of me.
The details are hazy about that conversation, but I clearly remember saying to my daughter at the time, “Gee, you have a million friends. Why did you pick me?” Tori looked at me like I was just plain silly. “Daddy, of course you’re my best friend. I can talk to you about anything.”
That just blew me away, and I now realize that this is a core concept for me as a father. Knowing a daughter—really knowing her—won’t happen just by going to her soccer practice, no matter how many high-fives and “good jobs” you give her. Pursuing a relationship with your daughter is a conscious choice, and it takes energy and imagination, and (there’s no way around this) the willingness to deal with messy emotions and questionable logic.
It doesn’t mean you’ll always want to do it or that it will be easy. But it is achievable, and you can learn how to observe the ups and downs in the relationship without getting seasick. And more than that, it’s totally worth it.
Intentional pursuit
Pursuing a daughter with the goal of getting to know what’s in her heart and mind is how you will bond with her, build her confidence, and find happiness … for both of you.
My payoff is that I have the kind of relationship with my teenage daughters that other dads envy. I have a blast with my girls, and we’re super close, but trust me, I’m no pushover. (Well, not always.) Do they mess up? Sure. Do I mess up? All the time. But I have their love and respect, and our teens are eager participants in family life. They’re not perfect (and neither am I), but we’re connected. Like superglue.
Now, by “pursuit” I’m not talking about chasing your little princess, spoiling her, or giving in to endless wishes and whims. I’m talking about making the effort to understand your kid, because that way, as she evolves and navigates the teen years, you will be able to follow where she’s going mentally and keep her grounded so she’ll be self-confident and less susceptible to losers, scammers, and avoidable disasters when she’s out on her own.
She’ll turn to you when she needs a strong shoulder until she gets married, and she’ll actually want to be around the old man later on.
That’s what we all want for our girls, right?
Let’s get something straight, though. When you intentionally pursue how a girl thinks about things, it usually means how she feels. That’s where it’s a little different from being with a son, where you can sit there with a hot dog, watch a ballgame, yell at strangers, say little to each other, and still have a bonding experience. Girls? Nope. If Dad wants to get close and know how his daughter feels about a movie, a sport, a teacher, a trip, the big cosmic question “to diet or not to diet,” or—heaven forbid—a boy, then there’s only one way to accomplish that. You have to talk. And listen.
That one insight—that I wanted to pursue knowing my daughters—was the lightning bolt ah-ha moment. And then I came up with a strategy: Dust off the old dating skills and put them back into action, but this time for a different purpose.
Pursue daughter-knowing by dating them. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
If you are a mom of little children, I know you are weary. But I wonder if you might, for just a moment, imagine what it will be like when your littles are big.
Oh, I know you long for that day and the freedom you imagine it will afford. And yes, there are new-found freedoms when our children are older, but you will also find that you yearn for the special moments of their early years.
For some strange reason, as I sit here, I have been swept up in a wave of longing … for the old familiar, for the sweet memories of days gone by. Uncomplicated, sweet, daily, seemingly inconsequential and un-magnificent little wisps of wonder with little ones that can easily go unappreciated. Memories like:
1. Sweet sleeping noises over an intercom.
2. Nightly baths and the “get ready for bed” togetherness routine.
3. Creating masterpieces with sidewalk chalk.
4. Reading the same book over and over and over and over and over.
5. That wee little face that lights up when I walk into a room.
6. “Can I have a glass of water?” (Really, I miss it!)
7. Waking up to someone crawling in bed with us.
8. Matchbox cars being driven up my legs and parked on my belly.
9. Having dozens of hair bows lovingly placed in my hair.
10. Joining in on a pots and pans band!
11. Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
12. Washing their hair.
13. Blowing bubbles … lots and lots of bubbles.
14. Frequently-lavished butterfly kisses, accompanied by a very close up, soft, ear tickling whisper: “I love you so so much, Mama!”
15. Going on long walks while dodging a big wheel and a small bike.
16. Washing tiny dishes.
17. Having little forks and spoons in the cutlery drawer.
18. Sippy cups.
19. Working puzzles … lots of puzzles.
20. Coloring.
21. Playing hide and go seek.
22. Bringing home stacks of books from the library.
23. Being told how “adorable” my children are.
24. Washing and folding tiny little socks, shorts, shirts, blankies – all of it, really.
25. Hearing nightly “Now I lay me down to sleep…”
26. Cuddling on the couch and watching Tom and Jerry cartoons.
27. Building towers tall.
28. Little hands trying hard to tie little shoes.
29. Shrieks when Daddy pulls into the driveway.
30. Messy beds that can’t quite be made up just right.
31. “Mom, can we snuggle?”
32. Playing peek a boo, repeatedly!
33. Messy linen closets.
34. Arts and crafts.
35. After doing our errands, going to the toy store – just for fun!
36. Kissing boo boos.
37. Hearing, “I did it by my big self!”
38. Little hands folded in prayer.
39. Cherub lips that freely give kisses.
40. Belly laughs and endless giggles.
Heavy sigh.
Moms … enjoy every moment and be filled with gratitude for the gift of mom life.
There are lots of reasons why we moms can lose our patience. If we try to become aware of why we lose it, we may be able to take preventative action, overcome impatience, and exercise more patience. So here are the top five reasons why most of us lose our patience, and five ways to build our patience.
Five reasons why we lose our patience
1. Fatigue. We quickly come to the end of our ropes when we have too much to do and too little energy with which to do it. Add to this the fact that kids seem to have a limitless amount of energy, and you’re already tired when you wake up in the morning.
2. Displaced anger. Often we are irritated at someone else or about something that has little or nothing to do with the crisis of the moment. Unfortunately, our kids are the easiest, most accessible targets of this displaced anger, and it shows up in impatience with them.
3. Unrealistic expectations. We have an agenda that does not take into account the unpredictability of life in general and parenting in particular. Then when we get behind, the pressure pushes us to impatience with everyone around us, including our children.
4. Failure to plan. Many times our frustration and anger are of our own making because we fail to put in the extra effort it takes to prepare us, and our children, for the unique demands of the day. Remember: When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
5. Distorted perspective. We assume it is us against them and that they are out to get us. We see those little charges as the enemy who has us under siege, almost as if they are purposely trying to annoy us, when instead they are really, most often, just children being children in all their imperfections.
To be passionate moms we each must really exercise and strengthen that patience muscle. It is a brick to build, and build it we must. So here are five simple ways to build patience and counteract those reasons why we lose our patience.
Five ways to build our patience
1. Reenergize. Do your best to rest up when the chance presents itself. Even if your kids don’t take naps, institute a quiet time in the afternoon.
2. Deal with your anger. Ask yourself, “What am I really angry about?” If you can’t take care of it immediately, write down your course of action, and then set it aside until you can deal with it. Pray for a gentle spirit toward your kids, and ask forgiveness if needed.
3. Have realistic expectations. Once you have a reality check on your perfectly executed day, calculate how much time, energy, and money it will take to pull it off, and then triple it. Barring a flooded basement or an outbreak of chicken pox, you may come close to meeting your expectations at the end of the day.
4. Plan, plan, plan. As you anticipate what you need to prepare for the demands of the day, play “worst case scenario” and plan accordingly. Lists are incredibly helpful, and sticky notes rule! There is only one thing more time consuming than preparing for your day, and that is trying to repair a day gone astray!
5. Keep a wide-angle perspective. Remember: It is our job to love and train our children. Don’t take their goofiness and misbehavior personally. They will one day put aside childish behavior and become adults you can relate to.
We’ve all been there. You ask your child (for the fifth time) not to do something, only to turn around and find him doing that very thing. A situation like this one can get even the calmest person’s blood boiling and might normally lend itself to yelling, screaming, or harsh anger.
Although the misbehavior needs to be dealt with swiftly and fairly, there are much healthier alternatives to losing your cool in the process. Implement one of the suggestions below to keep yourself in check. Once the misbehavior is handled in a calm manner, try one of the “After the situation” suggestions to get your blood pressure back to normal and restore unity in the home. And before you think I’m claiming to be an expert on the topic, let me assure you that you couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I’m writing this as much for my benefit as anyone else’s!
Before and during the situation
1. Pray. Pray for patience. Pray for peace. Pray for the supernatural ability to handle the situation as God would want you to.
2. Take a few deep breaths. As you exhale, attempt to mentally release whatever anger you are harboring. As cheesy as it sounds, it helps.
3. Take a time-out in the bathroom—and lock the door. As moms of young children, sometimes we just need a few minutes to clear our head before venturing back into the battlefield. And say a prayer your kids won’t hurt each other in the process of your “Mommy time-out.”
After the situation
4. Be spontaneous—don’t say a word to the kids, but instead go outside and start blowing bubbles (or something equally as fun). Invite them to join you whenever they are ready. Obviously, this should happen after the discipline and consequences have taken place.
5. Open your Bible and quickly thumb through your index to find some Scriptures on anger. Repeat them over and over to yourself. I’ve also found it helpful to have those particular Scriptures memorized so that they can be recalled at a moment’s notice (Proverbs 15:1, anyone?).
6. Turn on a movie for the kids and jump in the bathtub. Although I don’t think TV should frequently be used as a babysitter, you shouldn’t feel guilty in those moments when you need to use it as one (for your own sanity and for the temporary well-being of your children).
7. Start a tickle fight. After moments of tension (especially after a child is disciplined), she needs to be assured of your love for her and that you generally enjoy spending time with her. What better way to show that than a tickle fight? Plus, laughter is good for the soul … so everyone wins!
8. Read a book together. There are few things in our household that will calm my very energetic boys quicker than sitting down to read a book in my lap. Not only does this give everyone an opportunity to settle down, it also allows for some good cuddling time.
9. Spend some one-on-one time with the perpetrator. If you have more than one child, it is amazing how enjoyable and easy it is to spend time with just one child at a time! And it could be that the child who ignited the flame of fury could be needing just a little bit of affirmation. Taking an hour or two to spend time with that child will not only reassure him of your love, but it also will be an enjoyable bonding experience for both of you.
10. Stop feeling guilty and inadequate. Every mother has regrets—for an unkind word, perhaps, or a harsh tone, or full-blown screaming. I fervently believe that God uses child rearing to humble our (at times) prideful hearts. Through this He is teaching us to rely on Him and not to depend on ourselves. We can’t be the kind of mothers we want to be, or the mothers our children need us to be, on our own. We must look to His strength, love, and kindness.
Those feelings of self-doubt and continual guilt are not from God. They are Satan’s way of attacking us. When we feel like this, we become debilitated. We become grouchy. We become irritable and short-fused. We don’t want to serve because we don’t feel like it. And that’s just what the enemy wants.
So next time you are faced with an otherwise explosive situation as a mom, try one of these tips to help diffuse both you and everyone around you.
“I’m the worst mother in the world. I think I’m ruining my kids,” I exclaimed as tears began to cloud my vision. Once again “Miz Edith,” my elderly next-door neighbor, wrapped her arms around me and replied, “Susan, you are not the worst mother in the world. You are just in a hard season, and you are doing a good job. You will be alright. Your kids will be alright.”
I was in a hard season. We had recently moved to a new town, and I had five children ages 7 and under (including colicky twins), a husband with a demanding new job, and no friends, no family, and no help. Except “Miz Edith.”
Many times during those early years I would run across my lawn, often in bare feet and pajamas, knock on her door, and burst into tears. Edith didn’t always give me advice, but she always comforted me. What she gave me was perspective. She reminded me that although this season was hard, it would not last forever. And she reassured me that I was doing a better job than I thought I was.
One of the hardest things about raising young children is that we don’t feel like we are making any progress. We discipline them, and they turn around and do it again. We teach them to speak kindly, and they are rude once more. We think we are making progress in sibling rivalry and then a fight breaks out. No matter how hard we try and how many times we tell them, we don’t seem to make any progress.
Recently, a father with three young kids said, “If we didn’t care how they turned out, raising them wouldn’t be so hard!” But we do care—so much. One of the things we have to remember in this season is that we are sowing, and we are not going to see results for many years. In other areas of life we often see results soon. But not in parenting. Training is a repeated endeavor—over and over and over. We will be less disappointed if we realize they may not get it for several years. We just have to keep at it and not expect fast results.
The problem isn’t just our child’s behavior. We lose our tempers. We overreact. We get frustrated and tired. And when we make a really big mistake we wonder if we are ruining our kids. Our kids are not looking for perfect parents. There aren’t any.
What they need is an honest parent. A parent who is willing to say, “I made a mistake, and I am sorry. I should not have reacted that way. I need to ask you to forgive me. Will you forgive me?” When our kids see us asking for forgiveness they will be more likely to grow into men and women who are humble enough to ask for forgiveness themselves.
Seek out a “Miz Edith” for your life. Each of us needs someone older who will give us perspective. But we can also be an Edith in a younger person’s life. I have often thought we should strive to be “sandwich women.” We are the peanut butter in the middle with an older mentor above us and then the bottom bread is someone younger for whom we care.
When you feel like you are ruining your kids remember: Your ability to ruin your children is not nearly as great as God’s power to redeem them.
It was late Thursday afternoon. It had been a long day and I was very ready for my husband to walk in the door so I could have some back-up help with our three busy children.
Silas, my 3-year-old son, walked up to me with a bottle of nail polish and excitedly asked if he could paint my nails. He’s seen his girly-girl sister paint my nails before and I guess he thought it looked like something he would enjoy doing for me as well.
I appreciated his sweet sentiment, but I could only picture nail polish splattered all over the floor, all over his clothes, and all over me. After a long day, the thought of scrubbing all that mess up was very unappealing.
But I couldn’t resist his blue eyes looking up and pleading at me. So I told him to go get an old towel. We laid it out underneath us, and he carefully started painting my nails.
Of course, his definition of “careful” included getting lots of fingernail polish in lots of places other than my fingernails, but watching him bent over and putting forth so much effort to serve me touched me deeply. All of a sudden, I didn’t care about the fingernail polish splatters or the fact that I was going to have to do a lot of scrubbing with polish remover to get all of the nail polish off my hands.
None of that mattered as I sat there soaking up my precious little boy. A boy who loves his mama dearly. A boy who delights in serving me. A boy who won’t be little for long. A boy who someday soon will have much more important things to do than spend a long time trying to get his mama’s nails painted just right.
It was a very special memory—one that I will treasure for years to come. And I’m so glad I said yes to what seemed like it would be a big mess. It made me wonder how many times I’ve missed out on beautiful memory-making because I was too concerned about the mess it would make. How many times have I stifled my children’s creativity or spoiled a perfect opportunity for fun because I was more concerned about my house staying clean or keeping our clothes stain-free?
Sure, there was some clean-up required after the nail-painting incident, but it didn’t take anywhere near as long as I thought it would. And there weren’t any permanent stains left behind, only a trail of precious memories.
I’m so grateful that I said yes to what I thought was going to be a mess. It was worth every bit of it!
The Rainey family is far from perfect. We are amazed at how quickly we can find ourselves in a verbal rhubarb, coming unraveled by anger.
In fits of inappropriate anger our children have slammed doors and thrown pillows and the TV remote control. Our sons have ripped doors off of hinges. Starting as little boys and on through their mid-teens, our boys slugged and tripped and inflicted physical pain and torture on each other innumerable times. Even our “sweet” girls have exchanged a few blows.
Occasionally when they lose it, they just scream at each other. And of course the verbal abuse is oftentimes worst because the pain of the harmful words lasts much longer than the pain of a physical wound.
Even our children’s parents have been angry. We’ve disciplined them in anger, yelled and screamed at an obstinate teenager, slammed a fist down on the table, peeled out of the driveway, and resigned at least 1,029 times as a parent.
Here are some solid convictions we are obviously still working on in the Rainey family that we believe every family should embrace.
1. I need to be able to understand what causes me to feel angry.
A significant task of adolescence is to learn how to profitably express and deal with anger. Preadolescents and teenagers want to be heard and understood by their parents, but often ideas clash or communication goes awry and anger roars to the surface. Why? Because some kind of pain or hurt or disappointment or fear or insecurity is fueling that anger in either the teenager or the parent or both. Our goal as parents is to seek to understand what our children are feeling and to help them identify the emotion and understand how to deal with it themselves. Practically, we want them to know how to “not let the sun go down on your anger.” We want our children to be able to say, “I’m angry because of what you said that hurt my feelings,” or “I think I yelled at you because I’m so worried that I won’t make the squad or team.”
2. I must learn to express anger appropriately and not let it become sin.
Most teenage boys are angry. They don’t know what they are angry about; they are just frustrated with themselves, their siblings, and their parents. Occasionally even the parent does not fully know what’s going on with his child. Let me illustrate.
When Samuel was 14 he was a top-ranked tennis player, but he struggled at times with getting angry with himself. We had warned him that we wouldn’t hesitate to pull him from a match if he couldn’t control his anger. He tested our limits a couple of times, but always seemed to get control before we stepped onto the court.
Except at one of his last tournaments. Samuel was well ahead of his opponent, but he was still missing shots he thought he should have made. He beat the air with his racquet, and I looked at him. He slammed a ball into the fence, and I stood up. Finally, he angrily whacked the chain-link fence with his racquet.
That did it. I walked out on the court and declared, “This match is over. My son forfeits for poor sportsmanship.”
There was a look of shock on Samuel’s face that I’ll never forget. But it didn’t matter. It was character training time.
The ride home was very quiet. Only near the end did I turn to him and challenge him to deal with his frustration in a more constructive way.
Samuel needed training in learning how to properly express his anger. However, at that time, we did not yet know that Samuel was battling muscular dystrophy. Later, after we learned what was going on, I told Samuel I was sorry that we had just assumed that all of his actions were because he had an anger problem. You do the best you know how to do as a parent, but even that isn’t enough sometimes.
As you teach our children to stay out of the anger trap, you must embrace two critical principles:
First, every person is made in the image of God, and you must not tear at or rip away the image of God in another person—even if it’s just Mom, Dad, sister, or brother. Anger is to be taken care of quickly and efficiently before it deteriorates into bitterness, revenge, or even violence.
Second, a fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Since self-control acts like a 10-foot-high hedge in surrounding anger, we need to encourage the growth of this godly fruit in our child. In Ephesians 5:18, Paul exhorts us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Our children need to learn that as we surrender the control of our lives to the Holy Spirit, He produces in us the self-control that is needed to deal with anger.
3. I must know how to resolve conflict when I have been hurt or when I have hurt another person.
If anger is the spark, then conflict is the fire. As you go through the process of building and maintaining a relationship with your youngster, you must tell him that you will hurt and disappoint each other. There will be breaches of trust that demand that you know how to resolve conflict.
Let’s pretend that you and your daughter are having a conflict. You told her she could not stay later than 4:00 p.m. to get a Coke with her friends. At 6:00 p.m. she came in and hurried past you. When you asked her why she was late, she said angrily, “I was with my friends. What’s so bad about that? We weren’t out doing drugs or something. You are just too strict.”
Here’s how you might work through this conflict using three key ideas: communication, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
Communication: Assuming your own feelings are under control, you might say something like this to your daughter: “No, the truth is that you are late, and your behavior and attitude is not acceptable, and your words have hurt me.”
What if your daughter rejects this olive branch and looks back to you, steely eyed, and says, “Good. That’s what I wanted to do.” You can’t force someone to have a good attitude. At this point you will have to manage your feelings, step back, and say: “Well, I just want you to know I love you, and when you’re ready to ask for forgiveness and reconciliation in this relationship, I’m here. The door is always open; you may not like it being open; you may not want to come back in; you may choose to go another direction. But the door to this relationship from my end is wide open. You are welcome at any point to come back and talk with the right attitude.”
Forgiveness: When your child calms down and is ready to move to the next step, model forgiveness in action. (Younger adolescents may need you to move toward them to resolve the relational break; they may be so self-absorbed that they can’t properly manage their emotions.)
In this incident, if the daughter says, “I’m really sorry, Mom,” you need to warmly, sincerely reply, “I forgive you, honey.” Since the conflict is not fully resolved at this point, before the relationship can begin to heal, forgiveness must be liberally applied like a soothing ointment.
Reconciliation: If you’ve disobeyed or hurt another person, just because you’ve said, “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean you’re totally off the hook. What will be necessary to make things right in the relationship?
In this conflict your daughter will need to show by her humble acceptance of consequences that she is truly sorry and eager to restore warmth to the relationship through actions and attitudes that rebuild trust. And next time, she will need to be home ahead of time.
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
I can relate to the frustrations of parenting little ones all day. Been there, done that! I also know how easy it is for mom to lose her cool. I was really struggling one day in particular when my children were younger. Feeling guilty for the harsh words and not-so-sweet tone of voice I had used all day, I decided to write down some guidelines that would enable me to keep myself in check. Perhaps you might benefit from them as well:
Guideline #1: Examine your motives.
I correcting my child because he has sinned against God or because his behavior has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment, or trouble?
Our children can sense when they are being violated by impure motives, and God knows the motives of our hearts. If our motive is sinful, we will give reproof in a sinful way and our children will view it as a personal attack or an act of vengeance. This may result in them becoming angry rather than repentant. Pray through your motives before you reprove your child if you feel that they are in question.
For example, nothing irritates me more than when I am talking to an adult and one of my children interrupts our conversation. However, if I am motivated by sinful anger, I will sin against God and my child when I administer a reproof. My motive should not he revenge because I am irritated or inconvenienced. My motive should be to drive out the rudeness and inconsiderate disrespect from the heart of my child.
If my motive is sinful I might say, “I can’t believe you are so inconsiderate. I am trying to talk to her and you are acting so ugly!” But if my motive is righteous rather than selfish I might say, “Honey, do you think it is kind or rude for you to interrupt Mama while she was talking to someone? Are you thinking about others or yourself when you interrupt? What could you have done rather than interrupting?” Always remember to apply Galatians 6:1 when reproving your child: “Brothers, if someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (emphasis added).
Also, remember that we are to provide our children with a means of escape rather than just rebuking them for wrong. “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Children often feel the sudden urge to communicate something to Mom while she is speaking with someone else. To prevent rude interruptions, our children are required to place their hand on me and wait for me to give them permission to speak. This way, they are not exasperated. After all, when two mommies are talking it can seem like an eternity before there’s a pause in the conversation. This can seem unbearable to a small child.
When my children place their hand on my arm (or wherever) they are letting me know in a way that shows respect for me and the other person, “Mom, I need to say something but I don’t want to be rude.” I will usually place my hand on top of theirs to communicate, “I know you need something, and I’ll ask you as soon is there is a pause in conversation.” As soon as it is convenient, I will give them permission to talk. This is providing them with a means of escape. Teaching them to put their hand on you rather than interrupting is not a biblical mandate. It is a tool, used to prevent exasperation.
Guideline #2: Examine your life.
Have I provoked my child in some way? What is my example? How do I act when things don’t go my way? Have I led my child into sin by failing to teach him? By failing to provide him with a means of escape? By failing to train him in what is right? Have I given my child more freedom than he can handle? We should apply the biblical admonition: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).
Guideline #3: Choose the right time and place.
Do not embarrass your child. He will be more attentive to your instructions if he is not embarrassed because of being reproved in front of his friends. When you reprove your child in front of others, you take his focus off of the sin in his heart and onto the embarrassment and humiliation that you have unnecessarily caused him. Your goal is not to embarrass him but to bring him to repentance. Occasionally it may be necessary to reprove your child in front of others but most of the time, if others are around, it would be better to take the child into another room or quietly instruct him in his ear. Jesus taught us, “If your brother sins go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15).
Guideline #4: Choose the right words.
Be careful not to replace God’s wisdom with man’s wisdom. Rather than using worldly terminology, use biblical terminology. For example, when speaking to your child, don’t substitute:
“You are being disrespectful” with “You are acting ugly.”
“Telling a lie” with “Telling a fib.”
“Being foolish” with “Being stubborn.”
“Being disobedient” with “Being strong-willed.”
Use biblical terminology when you can because it is the power of God’s words and God’s wisdom that will truly penetrate the hearts of your children. Hebrews 4:12 explains this power clearly: “The Word of God is living and active; sharper than a double-edged sword; it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”
Guideline #5: Choose the right tone of voice.
Make a conscious effort not to scold your child. You are ready to reprove your child biblically when you can speak to him in a normal tone of voice and with carefully measured words: “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). Back in 1891, H. Clay Trumbull wrote about the dangers of scolding:
Scolding is, in fact, never in order, in dealing with a child, or any other duty in life. To ‘scold’ is to assail or revile with boisterous speech. Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper.
If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words. If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent’s first duty is to gain entire self-control. Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent’s trying to attempt any measure of child training…
Allow me to illustrate the difference between scolding and biblically reproving. It was a cold day in February. My children asked if they could go outside to play. I gave them permission to go out but only after they had put on their coats and shoes.
Now, you have to understand that my daughter, Alex, absolutely delights in being barefooted. As she whizzed by, I confirmed my orders by repeating, “Don’t forget to put on your shoes.”
Twenty minutes passed. Then, as I was taking out the trash, what should I find but Alex, running around on bare feet that had turned a bluish purple color. As if that wasn’t enough to light my fire, her new pants were a little too long for her legs so without her shoes she stepped on them. After grinding the bottom of her pants into the concrete for 20 minutes, she now had two holes in them. It may have been cold outside, but the heat building up in Mama at that moment could have warmed the entire neighborhood.
Alex had directly disobeyed me. There are two ways that I could respond:
I could scold her. I could harshly say, “Alex, I TOLD you to put your shoes on! Now your feet are HALF FROZEN and just LOOK at what you have done to your pants! (With hands on hips and finger wagging frantically.) YOUR DADDY works so hard to buy you these clothes, and THIS is how you show your appreciation! You just see how fast you can get your tail in your room! You are getting a major spanking, young lady!”
I could biblically reprove her in love. I can gently say, “Alex, Honey, I told you to put on your shoes before you went out. Have you obeyed or disobeyed Mama?” After she verbalizes that she has disobeyed, I can come back with, “Well, Sweetheart, God says that children are to obey their parents. Mama loves you too much to allow you to disobey. Now, go to your room and I’ll be in there in just a minute.”
To which response do you think she will be more receptive? Which one shows unconditional love and careful instruction? Which one will she learn from without being provoked to anger? Remember that scolding is an angry response. “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
If you struggle with your tone, as I do, rather than reproving your child in a normal tone of voice you can even try and soften your voice a little when you are giving a reproof. When I am in the habit of making a conscious effort to instruct my children in a softer voice than I normally use, it helps me to have self-control.
Guideline #6: Be prepared to suggest a biblical solution.
This is what we talked about earlier. We can tell our children what to put off (sinfulness) but we must remember that it is even more important to tell them what to put on (righteousness), to train them in how to replace that wrong behavior with right behavior, and to then have them actually exercise what they have learned. The Bible describes it this way:
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22—23).
By verbally correcting our children in righteousness using God’s Word, we are preparing them to govern their own actions and enabling them to discern matters of their own hearts. We want them to heed our instructions so that they can learn how to discern what is right.
Dan had two teenage sons playing baseball on two different teams … and they were in the middle of tournaments. Need I say more?
“Sometimes I wonder if we’re doing the right thing,” he said, adding that both boys had been chosen for all-star teams. He and his wife wanted to help their kids develop their God-given talents, but at what cost to the family?
It’s never been easy to be a parent. And with today’s endless activities, sometimes families find little time to actually be at home. I asked some friends how they attempt to bring balance to the hectic pace of life. Here are some of their tips for busy parents:
1. As you choose activities, put God first. Consider the spiritual impact that activities could have on the family. Are there Sunday ballgames or Wednesday night practices that will interfere with your church services?
2. Protect your marriage in the busyness of life. Does your spouse feel like you spend more focused time with the kids than you do with him/her? Could this be relieved by carpooling or limiting the children’s involvement on various sports teams or school clubs? Have you reserved special time for just you and your spouse?
3. Pray about activities. One dad said, “Making choices for our kids requires an enormous amount of prayer … for wisdom and discernment, and an enormous amount of courage as choices made often require standing against the tide.”
4. Remember that your primary God-given responsibility as a parent is to point your children to Jesus Christ and to help them grow in their faith and love for the Lord (Deuteronomy 6:1-9; John 8:31). Is there enough time in your schedule for the family to study God’s Word together and to discuss spiritual issues?
5. Focus on key activities that are important to you and your children. This will result in saying “no” to some good things to have time for what you feel is best for each child.
6. Don’t expect your children to appreciate the sacrifices that you make to help them develop their abilities. Most children won’t understand this until they have children of their own. One stepmom added, “Give time, energy, and love to stepchildren without the expectation of the child automatically responding with love.”
7. Compare calendars with your spouse on a regular basis. Doing this will help you identify a stuffed schedule. One friend said to include these questions: “Are we overloaded? Do we need to say ‘no’ to new opportunities or cancel lower priority commitments?”
8. Schedule regular family meetings so everyone is aware of all of the activities and no one feels left out.
9. Organize family work efforts. Example: “Let’s all clean the house” or “Let’s get the yard work done.” One dad said, “Too often parents are doing the household chores and the kids are playing video games. Kids need chores … they can make major contributions to the operation of a household.”
10. Teach the kids how to do their own laundry (on an age-appropriate basis). Children in on-the-go families can be a big help by washing their own sheets, sorting their dirty clothes, folding their clean clothes, matching socks, etc.
11. Schedule a date night at home once a week with your spouse. For example, purchase a favorite dessert from a nearby bakery or restaurant. When the kids go to bed, enjoy it with your spouse and talk about the high and low points of your week.
12. Plan margin in your calendar—time that is not allocated to anything. One friend said, “We have had opportunities to help neighbors or bring a meal to someone in need. Many of those things wouldn’t happen if our schedule were jam-packed.”
13. Take time to laugh as a family and enjoy being together. Keep a joke book in the car and have the kids share jokes when driving to various activities.
14. When time to cook a meal will be limited because of activities, use a slow cooker. You will know that a healthy meal is cooking at home while you are on the ball field or carpooling kids to piano lessons or band practice.
15. Cook in large batches and freeze meals ahead of time to use on busy days (remember to date the containers).
16. Choose one night a week (example: “Terrific Thursday”) for special family activities. Go out for ice cream together, play a board game, watch a movie, etc.
17. If you have a dog, ask your spouse or a child to walk the dog with you. Doing this helps slow down the pace of a busy routine and provides time for good conversations.
18. Get involved in things as an entire family instead of doing countless individual activities. One mom said, “We serve together at church or all attend discipleship groups on the same evening, so we are not shuttling on different nights.”
19. Get enough rest and reserve time for yourself in the family schedule.
20. Create one-on-one time for each child to do something fun with just Mom, and also special time for each child to be with just Dad.
Today’s parents are raising their children in a world that offers nonstop opportunities. Too often “balance” seems to be an elusive dream. But with God’s help and determination, busy parents like Dan can learn to control their schedules … so their schedules won’t control them.
Editor’s Note: Many thanks to Gabe Buchholtz, Dave Cook, Abraham and Deborah Lara, Julie Majors, Todd Nagel, Jen Powell, and Tabatha Wallace for their contributions to this article!
December is the month when many of us listen to a small group of songs, over and over and over again. And we love it.
If you think about it, there are really not many well-known Christmas songs. I just looked through my music and developed a list of most-recorded holiday tunes; I ended up with 38 on my “religious” list and 33 on my “secular” list. Most singers or music groups recording Christmas CDs work primarily from this small body of music.
Out of curiosity, I just took a look at the music stored on my computer, and discovered I’ve got 10 different versions of “White Christmas.” Performers include Bing Crosby, Martina McBride, The Drifters, Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops, Johnny Mathis, and The Beegie Adair Trio.
I was also surprised to find I have 20 different tracks of “Silent Night.” My list includes versions in piano, harp, jazz, orchestra, country instrumental, and bossa nova. I’ve got everything from Michael W. Smith to the Robert Shaw Chorale to the Philadelphia Brass Ensemble to Simon and Garfunkle. And I’ve got additional “Silent Night” versions that are not on my computer.
I suppose this should not surprise me. I’ve been collecting Christmas music my whole adult life. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas day I often listen to it for several hours a day—mostly as background music while I’m working. Accordingly, much of my Christmas music is instrumental—piano, orchestra, jazz, etc. (And in case you’re wondering, it’s playing right now as I’m typing these words.)
With so much variety in the holiday music available today, there’s something for seemingly every musical taste. Since my preferences are rather eclectic, I’m going to share a list of my favorite holiday CDs, with a special focus on music about Christ’s birth. As much as I enjoy the other holiday songs, my true favorites are those that reflect the true spirit of Christmas. This is the music that fills my mind as Christmas day approaches.
All these CDs are available in stores or online; perhaps you’ll find something new—or perhaps something old that will feel new.
Piano
1. A Traditional Christmas, by Brian Crain
2. Christmas Magic, by Jennifer Haines
3. Christmas, Plain & Simple, by Michele McLaughlin
Vocals
4. A Christmas Album and Home for Christmas, by Amy Grant.
5. Greatest Christmas Songs, by Julie Andrews
6. White Christmas, by Martina McBride
Orchestra
7. The Music of Christmas and Hallelujah! by the Percy Faith Orchestra.
8. The Glorious Sound of Christmas, by the Philadelphia Orchestra
Chorale groups
9. Christmas with the Academy, by the Academy of St. Martin in the Fields Orchestra and Chorus
10. The Little Drummer Boy, by the Harry Simeone Chorale
11. The Many Moods of Christmas, by the Robert Shaw Chorale
Miscellaneous instrumental
12. Christmas on the Mountain, by Craig Duncan (country instrumental).
13. Enchanted Christmas, by Anna Maria Mendieta (harp and orchestra).
14. A Festival of Carols in Brass, by the Philadelphia Brass Ensemble
15. A Music Box Christmas; 19th-century music boxes from the collection of Rita Ford
And finally, my favorite of all. This CD includes a few secular Christmas songs, but anyone who has watched the television special knows how the story ends …
16. A Charlie Brown Christmas, by the Vince Guaraldi Trio.
A few years ago we were asked, “What is the most memorable Christmas gift you’ve ever given or received?” Instantly our minds raced backwards over invisible tracks and skidded to a stop at the same intersection: Our first Christmas together as a couple, in 1972.
Our Christmas tree that year was sparsely decorated with a dozen red ornaments. The small living room was quiet, but warm. A scant few presents lay scattered under the Scotch Pine tree. There were no screams of small children, no ripping of paper, and no Christmas music playing (we couldn’t afford a stereo).
Neither of us have any recollection of what prompted us, but evidently the Spirit of God wanted us to dedicate and commemorate our new life together in Jesus Christ. So we decided that before we would give each other our gifts, we would first give God the most valued gift we possessed: Each of us, individually, spent some time writing out the “Title Deeds to Our Lives.”
It wasn’t easy, that bare-bones honesty with God. We wrote down all that we desired, all the things we thought were important, and said we wanted to give them to Him. Then, folding and placing those two sheets of paper in an envelope, we wrote on the outside: To God Our Father.
We sealed the envelope, and then we verbalized together in prayer what had already taken place privately in our hearts.
The envelope remained sealed, securely stored in a safe deposit box with all our other important papers.
The perishable and the imperishable
Eighteen years later we retrieved what had become our most treasured two sheets of paper.
Reading the lists on those two pages, we were immediately struck by two things. First, we noticed how silly and shallow some of the things were that we deemed valuable and difficult to give up to God. Dennis’ list, for example, included the following:
Nice big house
To ski well
Nice furniture
Sharp clothes
New car
Security
Easygoing job
It was striking to see this preoccupation with material things. Looking back over our years together, it was fascinating how God had continuously sought to wean us from that which is perishable and replace our values with the imperishable: people and His Word.
Other items that Dennis listed were not so shallow:
Success in ministry
Stay healthy
A healthy big family
Barbara
My own life
Barbara’s list, meanwhile, included things that are passing away, but more of hers got to the core of life:
Children—at least one boy and one girl
Dennis
To live to see my children grow up
To be settled and stable
To be an outstanding couple and family
The second thing that surprised us as we read the lists was how much more God has given us than what we gave up. We immediately thought of Ephesians 3:20, which reads, “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.”
We hope you have a wonderful Christmas this year. And as you go through the holiday season, think about whether you have settled the question of ownership. Who has the title deed to your life and possessions? Why don’t you formalize your commitment to Jesus Christ?
You will discover, as we have, that it’s the most important gift you’ll ever give. It will change your lives.
Just over six months ago, I married the woman I’d been dating off and on since I was 16. I feel like I’ve learned a lot already, and over the past few months I’ve jotted down five lessons on what it means to be a good leader and husband to my beautiful wife.
I hope these lessons will be helpful to you as you seek to represent Jesus to your wife. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Be proactive, not reactive.
What it means: Take the lead. Don’t wait for your wife to guide the relationship. Don’t react to what she wants—provide a vision for the relationship.
What it looks like: My wife is a planner. I am a “go with the flow” type of guy. However, part of leading and loving well means that I am proactive about planning the upcoming day and the week with my wife.
Just this morning, as I was showering before work, I asked EA (Elizabeth Ann) to come into the bathroom. We talked about each night this week—what we had going on and when we would make time to spend together. Six months ago, I would have kept all of that stuff in my head, or maybe I would not have even thought about it (until it was actually happening). Now that I know my wife better, I do my best to be proactive about planning the days and weeks with her.
2. Talk less, act more.
What it means: Don’t talk about something until you’ve already done it. The more you talk about something, the less likely it is to happen. Talking about it gives you the illusion of progress.
What it looks like: Guys like to brag about things. They like to talk about things they either did in the “glory days” or things they will do “some day” when “I finally get the time.” Enough. Women don’t need more men with big mouths. Just shut up and do it.
Here’s an example: I’ve made it a goal of mine to always make sure that my wife has gas in her car. And I’m always asking her, “Hey, do you need gas?” or saying, “Let’s take your car tonight, so I can put gas in it.”
I am really bad about keeping my wife’s car gassed up.
Here’s how I could fix that: When I get home from work, grab her keys, say, “I’ll be right back,” and then go put gas in her car. Maybe she doesn’t need it. Maybe I’ll only end up putting two dollars worth in. But you know what? I did it. And I have a feeling that the more I do it, the more it will become a pattern, and the less I will end up talking or even having to think about it. It’ll be second nature.
What are some things that you’d like to do for your wife that you need to just start doing?
3. Engage, not escape.
What it means: Engage in meaningful conflict. Seek the good of your wife. Stay focused on the end goal of the argument.
What it looks like: My wife is an external processor. I am an internal processor. Translation: She likes to talk through things; I like to go away and think for a while, then come back and talk once I’ve got it all figured out. Just a few months ago, whenever EA and I would get in a disagreement, my tendency would be to shut down and completely lock up emotionally. This would send my wife even further into a tailspin. It was pretty ugly.
But here’s the thing about being married: You have to resolve conflict. You’re stuck together. So you’ve got to figure out how to have conflict. Meaningful conflict. Conflict that benefits your relationship, instead of tearing it apart.
Now when I get frustrated, instead of locking up, I gently and lovingly express what I’m thinking and feeling to EA and we go from there.
A big key here is to ask clarifying questions. Make sure you’re hearing each other correctly. Really listen to each other. Remember that you’re on the same team, and that Satan wants to tear you apart. Be radically committed to keeping him from making that happen.
4. Create, not complain.
What it means: If you don’t like something, change it. Don’t complain about it unless you’re willing to do something about it. Create solutions instead of talking about problems.
What it looks like: Anybody can complain. Anybody can criticize. Anybody can cut something down. The courage lies with the creator.
Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” The very first verse of the Bible shows God as a creator. We were made in God’s image. What does that say about us? Be strong and courageous. Step out on a limb and create something new, rather than “sitting in the seat of mockers” (Psalm 1).
How does this apply to your marriage? Well, here’s one real obvious scenario: when you don’t like what your wife has made for dinner.
Yes, I’m really suggesting this … why don’t you cook dinner for once? Why don’t you try your hand in the kitchen? Create a meal. Then sit under your wife’s scrutinizing taste buds.
EA and I generally make brunch together every Saturday. All I’m doing is frying eggs and bacon, but we have a blast (and it’s always delicious).
Why not give it a try?
5. Be confident … and humble.
What it means: Don’t be so overtaken by humility that you lack the gumption to lead. And don’t be so overtaken with confidence that you become an arrogant jerk. Find the balance and live there.
What it looks like: Some guys are all humility. They slink back into the shadows and defer to others and never take any credit for the work they do. They’re “nice guys.” They’re tender and kind and loving and smart. Whenever people mention them in a group setting, everyone says, “Aw, what a nice guy he is.”
Other guys are all confidence. They’re macho men who eat barbecue, pizza, and burgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They watch football, go hunting, and carry around boulders on their backs for fun. They’re tough and manly and have Sherwood Forest growing on their chests (and backs).
It’s essential that you learn to cultivate both sides of healthy, biblical manhood: the tough and the tender. Stu Weber calls this being a “tender warrior.” Strong, but gentle. Tough, but kind. Protector, and lover. Not one or the other, but both!
How does this apply to your marriage? Mostly in conflict. Men like to fix things. But usually that’s not what a woman needs. She needs you to be tender and loving, to hold her and tell her you love her (yes, even if all you want to do is say, “If you would just do it this way everything would work out fine”).
EA and I learned this lesson on Christmas Eve, when I used the word “nagging” to refer to her in a joking context. She didn’t think it was funny.
We talked, and I tried to explain that I didn’t mean it the way she had perceived. I was steadfast and adamant about making sure everything was clear.
But she didn’t care about that. She wanted to know that I heard her and loved her, and she wanted me to hold her. And I couldn’t get that through my thick brain.
There’s room for both, men. Meet your wife where she is, and then take the opportunity to clear things up, learn from it and move on.
First Corinthians 16:13-14 tells us, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” Why don’t you write that verse on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror? Read it every day for the next week. Pray that God will continue to mold you into a man after His own heart.
Whether you’re six months or 60 years into your marriage, God can and will continue to teach you about how to become the man He wants you to be … in your marriage and in every other aspect of life.
Editor’s note: In the January 28, 2013 issue of Marriage Memo, James Lepine wrote of what he had learned as a new husband. After that his wife, EA, decided to write on the same topic from her perspective.
What I’ve learned in my first six months as a wife:
1. Be a wife, not a girlfriend.
What it means: In the dating stage, girls expect to be wooed and swept off our feet. While I hope your husband continues to do his best to keep you swept off your feet, it’s time to stop smelling the dozen roses he got you and start serving and loving him the best you can.
What it looks like: For me, the most practical example I can think of is when James gets home from work. Although I’m really excited to see him after a long day, I’ve learned that he prefers a little time to himself when he gets home before we begin our night together.
At first, I was tempted to feel sorry for myself and inwardly pout because he didn’t run through the door ready to talk to me. But I realized I would much rather create a welcoming, relaxing context for him to come home to than exhaust him by indulging my own desire to talk and connect as soon as he walks in the door. Now I cook dinner later so I still have another 20-30 minutes of prep left to do while he relaxes.
2. Be a wife, not a mom.
What it means: If your husband wanted someone to point fingers at his dirty socks on the floor, plan out each night of his week, and try to turn him into the ideal man, he would never have moved out of his mom’s house.
It’s your job to do life alongside your husband, not decide what’s best for him or dictate what he can and cannot do. (Hint: Just because a man gets married doesn’t mean he suddenly stops caring about video games.)
What it looks like: After we got married, I was (ignorantly) surprised to realize James still wanted to have a “guys night” on a regular basis. We kept finding ourselves in the same argument each time he wanted to hang out with friends. I felt abandoned and threatened and James felt frustrated. Just like a mom, I wanted to put limits in place: He could hang out with his friends for X number of hours, X number of times a week.
One afternoon I was thinking through a disagreement we’d had the night before and l realized that I had never once considered what was best for James in the situation. I asked God to give me the humility to admit that James needed “guy time.” I also prayed for the desire to make sure he got the time with his friends he needed. God was gracious to open my heart to a deep desire for James to feel free to have fun.
Although we both eventually made some adjustments, when I was able to approach James and say, “Hey, I’m on your team now. I want you to feel free to enjoy your friends,” our arguments turned into conversations and we were able to work things out.
3. Ask, don’t assume.
What it means: You’re a woman, your husband is not. Therefore, you’re not going to think about things the same way. If you don’t talk through different perspectives, expectations and personality styles, communication will suffer.
What it looks like: I think I felt at first that if I had to ask James how I could best support him, that I was a bad wife. If I were really a good wife, I would just instinctively know what to do. We can’t help that, as both women and individuals, we’re wired differently than our husbands. When I finally realized that, I stopped worrying about how to respond when something was bothering James and just started asking, “How can I serve you best right now? What do you need from me?” It takes the pressure off you and it gets your husband what he actually needs.
4. Be submissive, not overbearing or silent.
What it means: Give your husband the space and the authority to lead, but also be helpful.
What it looks like: I’m still learning in this area. Sometimes I’m afraid of not being submissive and I overcompensate by being silent.
A recent example is a discussion James and I had about whether to take on a volunteer opportunity at church. He shared his thoughts and then asked me for mine. I had a different perspective than he did.
At this point, I had three options:
Turn the discussion into a debate and begin trying to convince him that I was right;
Keep my opinions to myself and tell him I agreed with him in an effort to be “submissive;”
Understand his perspective, lovingly explain mine, and trust God to equip James to lead us.
The first option is overbearing, the second is silent, the third is submissive.
5. Be self-aware, not self-righteous.
What it means: Although it’s an old and overused stereotype, the notion that women tend to think they’re right is pretty true. What’s even truer, though, is that as long as you live you will struggle with sin. As a woman, your ability to effectively manage yourself, your home, your job, and possibly your kids can give you a false sense of “rightness” or entitlement. Be aware of the subtle ways your sin can creep into your marriage, and have the humility to see where you might be wrong.
What it looks like: One late afternoon I was scrubbing our toilet around the time James usually gets home. As I bent over the toilet bowl I found myself thinking, I hope James gets home while I’m cleaning this toilet so that he’ll see me and think I’m such a great wife. I realized what I was thinking and quickly reminded myself that the purpose of being diligent with chores is not recognition.
Although this is a silly example, it shows just how quickly sin can creep in and plant seeds that grow into attitudes of self-righteousness or entitlement, which are poisonous to a marriage. If sin can creep in while you’re cleaning the toilet, imagine what can happen during an argument! It’s important to monitor your motives and responses and be on the lookout for sin and selfishness.
I don’t remember what he said every night when he prayed for my sister and me in our double bed, except for one thing: Daddy’s prayers always ended with the same request.
“I pray that they would wake up in the morning,” he’d say, “with smiles on their faces, and songs in their hearts, and joy deep down inside.”
We weren’t a liturgical family. We shied away from all that denominational mess in favor of the Bible. My Sunday school teacher, Miss Janie, created her own curriculum, taking us through every story in the Book, even (and memorably) the one where Jael hammered a tent peg through Sisera and the one where Ehud’s sword was swallowed up by Eglon’s rolls of fat. On Sunday mornings we sang praise choruses and old Baptist hymns to the rhythm of acoustic guitar. Once a month we passed around plates of oyster crackers and plastic cups of grape juice, and when it came time for baptism, Daddy did mine, out on the Frio River.
Yearning for tradition and liturgy
I loved God, and the church, and the stories I learned. But as a teenager I began to yearn for tradition and liturgy. I found an old copy of the Book of Common Prayer on my parents’ bookshelves, and kept it in my room, trying to navigate its unfamiliar pages. After college I attended Anglican and Episcopal churches, steeping myself in the poetic language of prayers and creeds that followers of Christ had been reciting for centuries, anchoring myself to their witness when other parts of my life seemed ready to come unmoored. When I couldn’t form prayers myself, I was grateful that the words were already there waiting for me.
I don’t remember how old my daughter was when we started praying for her before bedtime. She wasn’t a good sleeper as an infant, and so most of my prayers fell along the lines of, “Please let her sleep for more than three hours this time.” Real bedtime prayers probably started around the same time that bedtime stories started, somewhere between her first and second birthdays. The stories were natural for me; I had favorite books to pull out, and then we had the Jesus Storybook Bible, too.
The words came almost immediately
But bedtime prayers weren’t as easy. How was I to model approaching the throne of grace with confidence? What would she hear when I asked God to grant my requests for her? How could I communicate the truths of the gospel through my prayers, so that my daughter would hear that she was deeply loved, but also that she needed grace, and God’s providential care? What theological tenets would I unintentionally communicate?
When I prayed, though, the words came almost immediately, without forethought or intention. I prayed, of course, that she would wake up in the morning with a smile on her face. A song in her heart. And joy deep down inside.
I thought I had grown up without liturgy, but there it was, the rhythmic words of our family liturgy emerging from the depths of my memory like the truest collect from the Book of Common Prayer.
I wondered what our little liturgy might communicate to my daughter. It’s certainly a parent-friendly prayer — who doesn’t want their kid to wake up in a good mood? — but what would it say to a child’s heart?
I knew God loved me
In the Jesus Storybook Bible, there’s one story that always makes me cry—the prodigal son. Sally Lloyd Jones begins it: “Once upon a time, there was a boy and his dad. Now, one day, the boy gets to thinking, Maybe if I didn’t have my dad around telling me what is good for me all the time, I’d be happier. He’s spoiling my fun, he thinks. Does my dad really want me to be happy? Does my dad really love me? The son never thought of that before. But suddenly he doesn’t know anymore.”
It’s a story of a child’s sudden fear that his dad doesn’t love him, and of a father’s desire for his son to find true joy. It’s the story of our fear that God doesn’t love us or know what’s best for us, and of God’s desire for us to be truly, deeply, happy in Him.
When my dad prayed every night that I would wake up with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart, and joy deep down inside, I heard that he loved me, and wanted me to be happy, filled with the kind of joy that withstands trying circumstances and is guarded by the peace of God. His love reflected the love of God for me.
In this prayer, I hope my daughter hears that love, too. I hope she hears that what matters to God, and to me, is that she finds joy deep down inside. That’s our family liturgy, and gospel truth.
Just how do you go about administering discipline for a stinky attitude or other problems as your child edges into adolescence? Admittedly, what follows is just an overview, but you should find these pointers helpful:
1. Affirm your love. A child about to be corrected must be reminded that the parent’s actions have the right motivations.
2. Speak the truth. Be clear in your communication. Explain what has happened, why it is wrong, and make sure the child understands clearly the offense.
3. Call for admission of guilt and repentance. The purpose of your confrontation is to expose the problem and see it rectified. The child needs to acknowledge wrongdoing and appropriately express regret. The purpose of repentance is to take a new direction—not to repeat the same action over and over.
4. Assign a consequence (if necessary). Examples of discipline for this age group include withholding of privileges, grounding, delaying the opportunity to double date or single date, and so on.
5. Reaffirm commitment and love. Always end a discussion like this with a final reminder: “I love you; I want the best for you. I’m in your corner.”
We had a great opportunity recently to do this in a very visual, memorable way with one of our teenage daughters. This child had been somewhat devious about some upcoming plans—just exactly what her itinerary was to be one evening and how many stops she planned to make with the car.
The three of us were having a heart-to-heart chat about this issue in our master bedroom. Barbara and I were on one end of the bed, and our teenager was flopped down on an opposite corner. It was already 11:15 p.m., but we knew we were in the middle of a great teaching opportunity. Our daughter needed to understand that accountability must be total for a teenager; she just wasn’t free yet to do everything she wanted to do without approval from parents.
We sat on the bed and talked in circles for about 30 minutes. She was not getting our point, and in fact was resisting, refusing to acknowledge her wrong attitude. It was one of those moments when the Spirit of God just plops some insight in your lap. I sensed it was time to forget the “front door” approach; I needed to try a side door.
This illustrates an important concept for parents of teenagers: What worked yesterday with a child may not work today, and you have to be flexible. So instead of persisting in confronting this child with her sin, I sneaked in the side door and said: “You know, you’re seated on the corner of the bed over here, and it’s like you’re in one corner and you’re putting us in the opposite corner. I want you to know that this isn’t a battle between you and your parents. Honey, we’re in your corner! We’re not in a boxing match with you! We’re for you, and we’re trying to help you be successful!”
Her expression softened.
“Don’t let the enemy convince you otherwise!” I continued. “We want God’s best for you, and we’re committed to helping make that happen. A part of that is teaching you some things that will help you mature and grow into the kind of person God made you to be.
“Accountability is not a minor issue! This is a big deal, because if you hide just a little thing, the next time you’ll be tempted to hide something bigger. If you can get away with it, before long you’ll go down a trail called deceit that can destroy your life as a teenager and as an adult.“
At this point the light bulb flashed on. She heard what we were saying and her attitude shifted. And at about midnight—mission accomplished—we all went to bed!
Adapted from Parenting Today’s Adolescent: Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the Preteen and Teen Years. Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
What’s the best way to discipline my older child?
Barbara: The toddler and preschool years are a time to lay the groundwork for behavior and for moral choices in your children. Once you’ve got a problem conquered in your 4-year-old, it’s easy to think, That’s been taken care of, and my child won’t ever do that again. Unfortunately, it’s very common for the same issues to crop up again when the child is 6-9 years old. There’s a lot of repetition in the discipline process in the pre-adolescent years. Spanking gradually decreases during this older stage. Five- and 6-year-olds get far more spankings than 7- and 8-year-olds, or 9- and 10-year-olds.
Dennis: At this time, you need to be a good student of your child and evaluate other forms of discipline that will work. For example, when our kids were at home we had a chore box—a highly productive form of discipline—for the kid who tried to get away with doing as little as possible. The outside of the box said, “For those who care enough to do the very least.” Inside the box were 25-30 of the most unpleasant chores that needed to be done around the house. We would have the child open the box, close her eyes, reach in, and draw one out.
When our kids started griping and complaining frequently we found a jar and put some coins in it. Each time a child complained a coin was taken out of the jar. We then informed our children that they could keep whatever was left in the jar at the end of 30 days, but if they went through all the coins in the jar, we would start taking from each child’s allowance. Thus, the jar is both a reward and a penalty.
This process never ends with children, but you can drive these points home with punishments for negative behavior and rewards for positive behavior.
As children transition from grade school into junior high and high school, spanking becomes obsolete and you shift to removing opportunities and privileges from the offending child. Your teenager is going to want to be trusted with more and more, but he or she needs to be faithful with the little things first.
During your child’s teen years you need to remember to follow through on the promise to remove privileges. Avoid undermining your own discipline. One of our neighbors grounded his son from driving his truck for two weeks because the boy was five hours late for dinner. But while the kid was grounded, his dad added a roll bar, a new stereo, and new wheels to his truck. This communicated to the kid, “Not only can you get away with it, but it sometimes pays off.”
Ecclesiastes 8:11 says, “Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed quickly, therefore the hearts of the sons of men among them are given fully to do evil.” This verse makes the point that when our children disobey there needs to be a penalty, a consequence. If they learn this when they’re young, they will be more responsive to God as they grow older.
This is Easter week, a time for celebrating the glory of God and the fulfillment of His plan for salvation. The ultimate sacrifice of His Son to pay the penalty for our sins.
I know my heart should soar as I contemplate the death and glorious resurrection of Christ. But sometimes I feel strangely apathetic.
I find myself at a curious stage in life. I’ve walked with Christ for many years, and the sameness of weekly and yearly routines can lead to a creeping indifference. Sometimes every sermon, every prayer, every song seems like a rehash of what I’ve heard before. Been there, done that.
Last week I was in the midst of one of these moods when an odd thought came to me:
Where would you be today if Christ had not come into your life?
And immediately I knew the answer.
I would be lost.
For the first time in many years, I opened up the journal I kept in college. I started it during my freshman year to practice writing and to record my thoughts about my experiences as a student at the University of Missouri. Reading the journal today is like going back in time; I see a portrait of young man who enjoyed his college years yet also struggled with choices and relationships and setbacks.
In the spring of my freshman year I wrote:
The last few days I’ve been coming to some realizations about myself, especially about myself and religion. … I’ve gained a basic belief in God, but it doesn’t mean that much to me. And I want it to. It seems like I’ve been getting farther and farther away from God.
I had grown up going to church, and I didn’t doubt the existence of God, but I had no idea of how to relate to Him. To me, the Bible was merely a collection of interesting stories, and I wondered whether Jesus really was the Son of God.
The young man I see in these journal entries had no real beliefs or convictions, no anchor, no direction or sense of purpose. A year later I went through a brief time of depression, and my only remedy was to increase my training for an intramural half-mile race. In the middle of that period, however, I heard a speaker named Josh McDowell present a message on campus about evidence for the truth of the Scriptures. That sparked some reading of my own, and I acknowledged that the Bible was not only a trustworthy historical document but also the revealed Word of God.
Then the scales fell from my eyes, and I understood the gospel for the first time. I recognized my sin and rebellion against God, and I realized why Christ died for those sins. In my journal I wrote:
I finally asked Jesus Christ to enter into my heart and guide my life, and I thanked Him for forgiving my sins. There was no bright light flashing, no loud voice proclaiming that I was saved, or anything like that. No great changes have been made in the last two days. But changes will be made …
It is probably the most important decision I will ever make.
At the time I thought I had found God. The truth is He found me. I suppose that’s why my favorite line in the hymn “Amazing Grace” is, “I once was lost, but now I’m found.”
So where would I be without Christ in my life? I’d be on a different road. I fear that, no matter what happened in my professional life, I would have grown into an unhappy man, drifting with the currents of our culture with no anchor for my soul.
I can’t imagine how I would have maintained a solid marriage. I’m not saying it would have been impossible; I just know my heart, and I know I would have made some destructive choices.
For me, the cure for the sickness of Easter Apathy is remembering what He has done in my life. God knew I was lost and unable to find Him by my own effort, and He took the initiative to send His Son to pay the penalty for my sin. He made me a new creature, and gave me a new life. Everything I enjoy today—my ministry, my wife, my children—is a gift from Him.
Several years ago the media was filled with stories about children in Milwaukee’s inner city being drawn into a violent and deadly lifestyle. The eighth poorest city in America, Milwaukee has a significant amount of drug and gang activity. And yet, though each new generation faces more harmful influences than the previous one, I believe that our city can be transformed through the power of the gospel.
I wanted to be a part of changing the legacy of Milwaukee’s families and felt God calling me into ministry with City on a Hill. Its vision is to revitalize the central city through a Christ-centered model of service. And so I resigned as the vice-president of public affairs and marketing of a healthcare system that owned more than 250 facilities, including the hospital which now houses City on a Hill.
I’m passionate about seeing kids who have no understanding of the gospel come to know the Lord … to begin a series of generations that walk with Christ. We minister to a lot of children at City on a Hill and offer special events to draw in the parents and share the gospel with them. Our hope is that many of the parents will come to Christ and that whole families will be transformed in that way. If the adults resist the gospel, we’re all the more committed to reaching the kids, so when they become parents, their families can be all that God meant them to be.
A family activity
It can be really tough for parents living in poverty to find time to play with or teach their kids. Often the families have a hard time just getting through life. So when we began planning for our Easter event last year, we knew that we wanted it to be a family activity.
We decided to share the gospel story through Resurrection Eggs®,a resource from FamilyLife. It was wonderful to see the crowd of about 150 respond to our outreach invitation. Some of the parents have major struggles in their lives, but they made it a priority to bring their children to this event.
Some of the children and adults had never heard the Easter story. Although they had heard of Jesus, their understanding of the Bible and salvation was limited.
We set up wooden tables and chairs in what used to be a hospital cafeteria. Generally one family sat around one table on which there was a carton of Resurrection Eggs. It took two tables to accommodate several of the larger families, including one that was new to our ministry. The step-dad had heard about City on a Hill when he was going through a Christian rehab program, and he walked more than a mile in a blizzard to find out about our services. He and his wife came to our Easter outreach, along with their five children. (Since that time, all of the children have given their lives to the Lord, and their mother has also prayed and received Christ.)
One of our ministry leaders, along with a couple from Here’s Life Inner City (a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ), stood on a small platform with a carton of Resurrection Eggs. Dressed in biblical attire, these three people took turns telling the Easter story. When it was time to open each of the 12 eggs, they asked the parents to hand the corresponding egg to one of their children. There was a lot of anticipation about what was in each egg. We could hear rattling as some of the kids shook their eggs, trying to figure out what was inside.
As each egg was opened, a huge picture of its contents was projected onto a large screen. This made it easy for the families to follow the story and to see what was inside each egg (the little donkey, cross, etc.). As the children opened their eggs, their parents interacted with them. We continued this until all of the eggs were opened.
“Choose me! Choose me!”
Then we asked the kids to volunteer for telling the story of their particular egg. Hands waved back and forthwith shouts of “Choose me! Choose me!” as 12 boys and girls, ages 5-16, were selected–one for each of the 12 Resurrection Eggs. They lined up on the platform, opened the eggs one at a time, and repeated their part of the story. The parents loved it.
After the children told the story, I went to the platform and invited people to pray and respond to the gospel message. Dozens of children and adults indicated they made professions of faith that day. We were thrilled.
As a surprise, at the end of the program we gave each family a carton of Resurrection Eggs so they could tell the Easter story again at home. People came up afterwards and asked if we had any additional cartons of eggs that they could take to friends and family. Some wanted eggs to give to a mom … to a sister and her kids … to an aunt or uncle … or a grandma. They were very popular.
We heard many positive comments from the parents. They loved hearing their children share the Easter story, and our staff considered it a very successful event. We felt that the addition of the teaching with the Resurrection Eggs made the difference between a program that was recognizing a special day and a program that helped families really understand what Jesus had done.
I’m so grateful that the Lord has allowed me to be a part of His work and to see the kind of transformation that only He can bring to homes and lives.
Editor’s Note: On the January 9-10, 2013, FamilyLife Today® broadcasts, host Dennis Rainey interviewed Todd Wagner (senior pastor of Watermark Community Church; Dallas, Texas) about raising sons and daughters. Dennis referred to two lists that Todd has created: What It Means to Be God’s Woman and What It Means to Be God’s Man.
We’ve provided these lists for you. It is our hope that these documents, in addition to the broadcasts, will serve you and your family well.
Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. –1 Corinthians 16:13-14
1. STEP UP
(Lead. Initiate. Be a man of action. Assume it is your job and your moment. Hate apathy. Reject passivity.)
“I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, so that I would not destroy it; but I found no one.” – Ezekiel 22:23-30
When David heard of it, he sent Joab and all the army, the mighty men. “Be strong, and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the LORD do what is good in His sight.” – 2 Samuel 10:7, 12
Other Scripture: Proverbs 20:6, Psalm 101, James 1:23-25, John 10:11-13, 2 Samuel 10, Ezekiel 22:23-31, Proverbs 14:23
2. SPEAK OUT
(Silence in the midst of sin is a sin. Be courageous. Fear God not man. Speak the truth in love.)
Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy. – Proverbs 31:8-9
Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. – Proverbs 27:5-6
But sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. – 1 Peter 3:15
(Don’t give in when you are challenged, attacked or criticized.)
“Now behold, I have made you today as a fortified city and as a pillar of iron and as walls of bronze against the whole land, to the kings of Judah, to its princes, to its priests and to the people of the land. They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you,” declares the LORD. – Jeremiah 1:18-19
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord. – 1 Corinthians 15:58
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. – 1 Peter 5:8-9
Other Scripture: Proverbs 24:10, Philippians 1:27-28, Galatians 1:10, Jeremiah 12:5, I Corinthians 10:13
4. STAY HUMBLE
(Be vigilant against pride. Get the tog out of your eye. Don’t think less of yourself, think of yourself less.)
You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:5-7
Let the righteous smite me in kindness and reprove me; It is oil upon the head; Do not let my head refuse it, for still my prayer is against their wicked deeds. – Psalm 141:5
Other Scripture: Proverbs 12:1, Philippians 2:3-5, John 15:5, Micah 6:8, Isaiah 66:2
5. SERVE THE KING
(Seek first His Kingdom, His glory, His righteousness. Hope in the eternal. Live for a greater reward.)
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” – Mark 10:45
“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew 6:33
Other Scripture: Joshua 24:14-15, 2 Corinthians 5:10, 1 Peter 2:21-23, Hebrews 6:10, Psalm 16:11, Psalm 84:10-12
At age 19, Jonathan Edwards made 70 resolutions that addressed the type of person he wanted to be and the way in which he wanted to live his life. These were guidelines he would use to chart out his life—his relationships, his conversations, his desires, and his activities.
Most resolutions like this are pledges of self discipline or moral improvement — in some cases, holiness. That’s a good thing. I’m for moral improvement.
Why? What’s right about moral improvement?
It is God’s plan for you to grow more and more into the image of Christ
It is the desire of every person who loves Jesus to want to know Him more and to be more like Him.
Hebrews 12 says there is “peaceable fruit” that accompanies righteousness. You were created by God to live a holy life, and when you do, there is peace and joy that comes.
I think some today have rejected the whole idea of moral improvement or holiness as “legalistic.” You talk to some about living set apart, holy, blameless, upright, above reproach, morally excellent lives and they push back and tell you about their freedom in Christ.
Freedom in Christ is not freedom from holiness. It is freedom from slavery to sin! Freedom to obey and choose to live for God! Galatians 5:13 says that “You were called to freedom, but do not use your freedom to gratify the flesh, but in love, serve one another.” Then, in Galatians 5:16, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh!”
So I believe that for many, the impulse behind New Year’s Resolutions is a desire to live the way we were meant to live — holy, righteous lives that honor God and give evidence of His transforming grace in our lives. That’s a good impulse.
But I also want to suggest that many of us pursue moral improvement in a way that is not founded in the centrality of the gospel and the reality of the cross of Christ.
Here’s what is wrong with how we approach moral improvement.
For some, it’s the trap of the Galatian church — the only church Paul does not commend at the beginning of an epistle. Even the morally bankrupt Corinthians get a commendation from Paul at the beginning of his letters to them. But the Galatians get this:
Galatians 3:1 O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?
Some New Year’s resolutions are a pitiful attempt to be perfected in the flesh — “I’m going to resolve to try harder to do better, to clean up my act, use the strength of my own will to live a more righteous life.
If Paul was here, he would say to us “you foolish person! Who has bewitched you?”
This kind of pursuit of moral improvement begins with a confidence in self. And if it succeeds, it builds pride in self. If it fails, it breeds condemnation and shame. So either way, it brings not the peaceable fruit of righteousness. It brings bitter and corrupted spiritual fruit.
To pursue moral improvement as a way to please God and win His favor is to pursue a false religion — a false gospel — that the Bible says will put your soul in danger of hell. Every world religion is a religion of moral improvement as a way of pleasing God. Everyone except Christianity. So if you are headed into the New Year with a renewed commitment to “get your life together” and if you think that in doing so, you will earn God’s favor, beware. You need to listen carefully to what I’m going to say to you this morning.
Instead of New Year’s Resolutions that focus on moral improvement, I want us to focus on making three gospel resolutions in the New Year.
I believe the three resolutions that need to mark our lives in the new year are these:
To daily, consciously reaffirm the Lordship of Christ over our lives
To daily, consciously repent
To daily, consciously re-believe the gospel
I believe that if you want this to be a year of real change and real moral improvement, these three resolutions are the key.
These resolutions may sound simple and self evident. But to live them out as the daily, conscious focus of our lives will be, I believe, transformational for each one of us.
The first resolution — to reaffirm the Lordship of Christ over our lives — His right to rule and reign and call the shots.
This first resolution is built on an acknowledgement that there is a God, that He is our Creator.
And because He is our Creator, He has the right to rule over our lives.
He has made us for Himself. We are His. We are not our own.
Life is for Him, it’s about Him, that He designed it, that He rules over it, and that our existence belongs to Him.
He gives us life and breath so that we can do what He created us to do — to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.
When we repent and believe the gospel for the first time — when we are saved or born again or when we become a Christian or give our lives to Christ — whatever expression you want to use for that — what happens is that our lives are re-purposed. We are re-aligned. We are getting our lives in alignment with what God designed us for in the first place. We are acknowledging that He is God, that we are not, and that life is all about Him and not about us.
When we reaffirm the Lordship of Christ over our lives each day, we’re doing the same thing. It’s the daily realignment.
When you reaffirm the Lordship of Christ over your life each day, you are acknowledging that the natural drift of our lives is away from the purposes and plan of God for us. That we need to daily re-acknowledge God’s right to rule and reign and hold sway over our lives.
It presupposes that we agree that the manufacturer knows best how our lives ought to be calibrated, and that we are submitting ourselves to Him.
So, resolution number one is to each day acknowledge the Kingship, the Ownership, the Lordship of Christ over your life.
We all say that, right? We confess that Jesus is Lord. But functionally, is that how we live?
Have you ever thought about the fact that in the NFL, before a play is run, a group of highly skilled millionaire athletes all get together in a circle, and the head millionaire — the quarterback — listens as a guy who makes a lot less money than him tells him what to do. And he tells the other guys. And they all go up to the line of scrimmage and do exactly what the coach tells them to do. They run the play. They do that 60-70 times in a three hour period. Before every play, they huddle up to find out what play they’re supposed to run.
Do you acknowledge God’s right to call the plays?
Do you huddle up — in the word, in prayer, with others who love Him — to find out how to live?
Do you run the play? Or do you call your own plays?
Good morning God, this is Your day, I am Your Child, show me Your way.
Now, let’s talk about the second resolution – repenting every day.
I want to make sure you know there is a difference between confession and repentance. Both are called for in scripture.
Confession is agreeing with God that what He says is true is true.
We can make a good confession or a confession of faith by stating that we agree with God about what is true.
When we confess our sins, what we’re doing is not just admitting that we have sinned, but we are agreeing with God that what we have done is an act of rebellion against Him.
“Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us; that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.”
The first part of that prayer is confession. The second part is repentance. A change of mind that leads to a concurrent change in behavior.
The second resolution commits to turn away from these three forces that daily buffet and batter you:
The culture around you which does not value or promote godliness or Christ centeredness (Romans 12:2 — do not be conformed, Col. 3:1 — set your mind on things above)
The enemy of your soul who has as his primary objective to make you spiritually impotent and ineffective and who lies to you about what is important and has value and will bring you happiness
Your own flesh which has as its natural appetite a desire, a lust, a longing for temporary, carnal, fading pleasures
Each day, our minds are enticed by these three. And repenting each day is the decision we make to change our mind again about what is true and right.
It’s the flip side of the realignment. Turn from sin. Turn to Christ as Lord.
Which brings us to the third resolution — resolving to believe the gospel each day.
The gospel is the power of God to salvation — that’s our justification and our sanctification. A life that is focused on Jesus and the gospel as the main thing is a life that grows in godliness.
Titus 2:11-15 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.
Titus 2 — the grace of God has come. It teaches us to say no to ungodliness. Grace — the gospel — is our teacher.
Meditating on God’s love and grace demonstrated in the cross of Christ is what trains us to say yes to righteousness and no to unrighteousness or ungodliness. It is the fuel that brings the moral improvement we need.
Meditating on God’s love and grace demonstrated in the cross of Christ is what trains us to live self controlled, upright and godly lives in a culture that does not encourage us to live self controlled, upright and godly lives.
Meditating on God’s love and grace demonstrated in the cross of Christ is what motivates us to become zealous for good works.
If you will join me in this resolution — to believe the gospel every day — here’s what you’ll be resolving to do:
1. Believe again what seems almost unbelievable — that in time and space, in real history, a man came back from the dead by His own power and demonstrated by that one act that He is truly God come to earth in human flesh.
This declaration of what we believe is, according to the Bible, foolishness to Gentiles and a stumbling block for Jews. If it is not true, we are to be pitied above all people. This one act separates our faith from every other major world religion.
The resurrection of Christ is at the heart of our gospel. And it seems basic to say that each day we ought to reaffirm our conviction that we believe this resurrection really took place.
There are major NY Times bestsellers that we can pick up in any bookstore that will tell you how crazy you are if you believe a myth like the resurrection. When asked about the resurrection, Richard Dawkins said:
Presumably what happened to Jesus was what happens to all of us when we die. We decompose. Accounts of Jesus’s resurrection and ascension are about as well-documented as Jack and the Beanstalk.
But it’s not just atheists like Dawkins. There are many churches where people are meeting today — right here — where the people in the pews and the preachers in the pulpits don’t really believe that Jesus came back from the dead. In this rational and scientific age, they settle for the idea of a “spiritual resurrection” of Jesus — all that He lived for and modeled is resurrected in the lives of His followers and in our lives today.
That’s not what the Bible teaches. That’s not the gospel.
So, believing the gospel every day begins with re-believing that Jesus rose from the dead and that He is alive still today.
2. If you keep your resolution to believe the gospel again every day, you’ll be resolving to reconsider again each day the cosmic consequences of the cross.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that on the cross, amends for your rebellion — past, present and future — have been made. All is forgiven. That’s atonement.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that on the cross, the price was paid to buy you back from our slavery to sin. You don’t owe God anything anymore to pay for your sin. That’s redemption.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that on the cross, the righteous wrath of God which was stirred up by your rebellion has now been appeased. God is not angry with you anymore. As we sing:
“Till on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied For every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ I stand”
That’s propitiation and expiation.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that as a result of death of Christ, your relationship with God has been restored. You are a friend of God. You are His adopted child. You are a joint heir with Jesus of the promises of God. That’s reconciliation.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that on the cross, the power of sin and the power of Satan over your life was defeated. You are no longer a slave to sin. You are now free to be who you were created to be.
Believing the gospel each day means that you believe that because of the cross, you have a hope. This life is not all there is. There is no sting or fear of death. There is victory over the grave. Again, we sing “death is crushed to death, life is mine to live.”
Let me just recap that for you, can I? Each day, as you reflect on the cross of Christ, as you believe the gospel each day, here is what you are believing again.
God is not angry with you anymore.
All is forgiven.
You don’t owe God anything to pay for your sin debt.
You are a friend of God. A child of God.
As a child of God, you are an heir of the blessings of God
You are free from the power of sin
You have a hope for life beyond this life.
Why is all that true? Because that’s what the Bible tells us was accomplished for us at the cross.
3. Finally, if you keep your resolution to believe the gospel again every day, you’ll be resolving to reconsider again each day what 2 Peter 1 calls the “precious and very great promises” that are ours in Christ.
Believing the gospel means believing that what God says is true about you is actually true, and living as if you believe it’s true.
Here is not an exhaustive list, but just a few of the things that are true about you that you need to commit yourself to believe and to believe every day.
That there is no condemnation because of the cross. Romans 8:1
That His promise that He will never leave you or forsake you was validated by the cross. Heb. 13:5
That you are accepted in the beloved because of the cross. Eph. 1:6
That you are complete in Him thanks to the cross. Col. 2:10
That you have been transferred from the domain of darkness into the Kingdom of His beloved Son as a result of the cross. Col. 1:13.
That God is for you because of the work of Christ on the cross on your behalf. Romans 8:31
That He cares for you as demonstrated at the cross. 1 Peter 5:7
That He is working all things for your good as evidenced at the cross. (Romans 8:28)
That nothing can separate you from the love of God in Christ thanks to the cross. Romans 8
How does meditating each day on the cross of Christ and the resurrection of Christ work to defeat sin in our lives? Why is it more effective than a self help, self determination plan?
Because the gospel is the power of God. The self help plan is the power of you.
And because when spend time each day reflecting on and meditating on the sufferings of Christ for you, what He bore
that you might be redeemed and reconciled,
that God wrath would be satisfied,
that you would have forgiveness and new life and hope for the future,
and when you consider the promise of blessing that has been made real for you at the cross,
It puts your desire for sin in perspective. It reorders your priorities and realigns your life.
You can make a list of New Years resolutions for moral improvement, but the most important resolution you can make is the resolution to keep the gospel central to every aspect of your life, and to let the moral improvement flow from that.
Keith Johnson has a helpful illustration that points out the difference:
He says “Imagine yourself in a large house in which those who are deaf and those who can hear are living together.
In one of the rooms, you see a guy sitting in a chair and listening to music on his iPod. Rhythmically, he’s tapping his foot, drumming his thighs, jutting his chin out, swaying to the beat, and pursing his lips like Mick Jagger or someone. His entire body moves in response to what his ears are hearing. It’s obvious that he’s enjoying himself and listening to a pretty good song.
A few minutes later, one of the deaf persons enters the room. Seeing the guy listening to the music and impersonating Mick Jagger, he thinks, That looks like fun. I think I’ll try that. So he sits down next to him and begins to imitate him. Awkwardly at first, he tries drumming his thighs, jutting his chin out, and swaying to the music just like the guy with the iPod. With a little practice, he begins to catch onto it. By watching and trying, he begins to mirror the other guy’s actions pretty closely.
But although he eventually gets better at keeping time, he concludes that it’s not as much fun or as easy as it initially seemed
(especially the chin jut—very difficult to do when you’re not actually hearing the music).
After a while, a third person enters the room and watches this scene. What does he see? Two people apparently doing the same thing, apparently listening to the same thing. Is there a difference?
Absolutely. The first guy hears the music and his actions are a natural response to the music’s rhythm and melody. The second guy is merely imitating the outward actions. Being deaf, he’s not listening to anything.”
There’s an important spiritual parallel here. The dance (outward actions) represents the Christian life, while the music represents the grace of the gospel. Though we have come to know Christ through grace, we are often like the deaf man in the story who tries to perform the dance without hearing the music. Our spiritual life is reduced to a series of dance steps— external behaviors and activities—devoid of God’s animating and transforming power.
God’s desire is not to get us to do the dance but to get us to hear the music of the gospel, with the dance (godly actions, character, and activities) flowing naturally from it.
Do you hear the music?
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
Look on Him and pardon me.
In the Old Testament the Hebrew culture placed a great emphasis on names. Character qualities were associated with different names; parents would give a child a name they hoped would prove prophetic—a quality that child would embody. In the same way, many Christian parents today choose the names of their children with the hope that these names will encourage those children to develop certain godly qualities. Josiah, for example, means “God supports,” and David means “beloved one.”
If you look through the Bible, you will find many different names used for Jesus Christ. My family has found that focusing on the names of Christ during the Christmas season can provide many opportunities for you and your children to learn there is so much more than just the sweet Christmas ceremony to celebrate.
Nothing is more precious than seeing how we honor His name. As you learn the meaning behind the names of Christ, you learn more about Him and the difference He makes in our lives. Here are four examples:
1. The Good Shepherd
“I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.” —John 10:11 (New American Standard Bible)
God put His shepherd here on this earth to be our shepherd. You see Him in John 10 as the shepherd who is in charge of the sheepfold, and the sheep follow Him, and they have eternal life. Scripture says that God knows His sheep, which is exciting to me.
A shepherd’s staff functions as both a prod to get sheep to move and a crook to pull them in line and protect them. Sheep are among the dumbest of all animals, and they will literally eat their way, not looking, and go right off the side of a mountain. They can be caught in a briar patch because of their wool. Their shepherd will go down and put that crook around their neck, and he’ll lift them up and rescue them. In this same way you can celebrate at Christmas that Jesus always care for you, and He can always rescue you.
2. The True Vine
“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing.” —John 15:5 (NASB)
It is essential for a branch to remain connected to the vine; if you break off the branch it will wither and die. But if it stays connected, it will bear fruit. In the same way, Christ’s life flows through us (the branches) and then manifests itself. I believe that if you are a true child of God there is going to be evidence of your salvation, evidence of the fact that you are connected to Jesus Christ. And that evidence is fruit.
An example of why it is important to stay connected to the vine is found in Judas. He did not abide in Jesus; his life never showed the fruit that would have been evidence that he was connected to the vine. The rest of the disciples remained connected, and their lives manifested the fruit of the Spirit.
3. The Light of the World
Again therefore Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in the darkness, but shall have the light of life.” —John 8:12 (King James Version)
John came to tell people that Jesus is the true light, and it is He who lights every man who comes to know Him. In Matthew 5:14-16 the believer is admonished not to hide his light under a bushel but instead to let people see his light so that the Father in heaven would be glorified.
You could teach your children about this by buying the kind of candle that relights itself. Light the candle, hold it up, and then blow it out. Tell your children that you’ve “succeeded in putting out the light”… and then let them watch as the candle sparks back up. You can use this to teach the principle that he who has the Son has life, that the life is the light of the world, and that we’re going to live forever.
4. The Bright Morning Star
“I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things for the churches. I am … the bright morning star.” —Revelation 22:16 (NASB)
Here Jesus is depicted as another kind of light. In this verse I catch a glimpse of eternity as I think about Him coming again and shining forever. I think that we don’t realize that every human being is eternal. Everybody is going to live somewhere forever, either with the Bright Morning Star or in the lake of fire that is eternal darkness.
I think sometimes in the midst of the Christmas season, we can forget that we are dealing with eternal issues. It is the holiday season that puts us back in touch with family members who are not saved, helps us see where we need to realign our lives and reconnect to Jesus in a deeper way, and reminds us that the giving we express so fully now could be more than just an annual event.
Focusing on the names of Christ is a great way to present the gospel in an nonthreatening and non-offensive way and still present the truth about who Christ is. It also can serve as a prod to those who want to walk more closely with Him but for whatever reason aren’t doing so.
A wife writes to say her marriage is falling apart. She is so depressed, she says, that “I can barely even work or get out of bed.”
Another says she is separated from her husband and would like to reconcile, “but I cannot go through him coming back and sucking all the life out of me again. I think it may just kill me. I feel empty, and I have no strength left.”
A mother and father are heartbroken about the struggles their daughter is having in her marriage. “We long to see them live together in a home where Christ is obeyed, honored, served, and where they can have peace, joy, and the hope of a future together.”
During this Christmas season, I’ve been thinking of these marriages—and so many others represented in the letters and emails FamilyLife receives every day. These are people who need a special dose of the hope that God offers through Christ.
One of my favorite parts of the nativity story is when Mary is told she will bear a son who “will be called the Son of the Most High.” She asks, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” and the angel replies, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God. And behold, even your relative Elizabeth has also conceived a son in her old age; and she who was called barren is now in her sixth month. For nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:34-37).
I love that final phrase: “For nothing will be impossible with God.” It’s the type of truth we need to remember in our lives, our marriages, our families.
We need to remember that the God who made it possible for a virgin to conceive can heal any marriage and any family problem.
The God who came to live with us understands the temptations we face, and gives us the power to turn away from them.
The God who sent angels to speak to men two thousand years ago still speaks to us today through His Word.
The God who sent Jesus to “save His people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21) … because we couldn’t do it on our own … now gives us the power to walk with Him every hour of every day.
We all have something going on in our lives that should cause us to turn to God … some problem or situation that we just can’t seem to solve ourselves.
Christmas gives us hope that God wants to be intimately involved in our lives … and that nothing is impossible for Him.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. (Luke 2:11)
Nothing can reduce the real meaning of Christmas: More than 2,000 years ago Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, was born in a simple manger.
Here are 10 ideas that can help us focus on what really matters at Christmas:
1. After returning home from our church’s Christmas Eve service, we light the house by candlelight. Then we have a birthday party for Jesus. One child is selected to light the candle (the Light of the World) on the cake, one child begins the singing, one child serves cake to everyone, and the last of our four children hands out four presents that surround the cake. Before any gifts are opened, we talk about the blessings we’ve enjoyed during the year and about the gifts we have given to others.
Each child opens one of the four presents. All are the same: the figure of baby Jesus that belongs in one of four nativity sets. Each child realizes that Jesus is the best present ever and takes his/her baby to the manger where He belongs. We conclude the evening by reading the Christmas story from the second chapter of Luke. (Contributed by Anne Coletti)
2. We ring bells as a family for the Salvation Army. This takes very little time and is always rewarding. We call the Salvation Army and tell them we would like to volunteer as bell ringers in December. We give them the amount of time that we are available and specify when we can ring the bells. While we ring the bells, we talk about where the money goes that we are helping collect. We also talk about the importance of serving others who are less fortunate than we are.
Ringing bells for the Salvation Army helps us show the value of Christ-like servanthood towards others. (Contributed by Gayla Grace)
3. One of our favorite Christmas activities is utilizing an Advent wreath and an Advent devotional. When the children were old enough to light the candles, they took turns doing that. As they got older, they read the devotions. Eventually, the kids became completely responsible for the Advent readings on some nights. There are a variety of Advent devotional books available these days.
We had an Advent wreath in my family when I was growing up. I hope my sons will pass this tradition on in their families. (Contributed by Elaine Crowell)
4. Before we had children, I noticed how so many parents tried to top their gift giving from the previous year for their children. Once my husband and I had children, we decided that they would get the same number of gifts that Jesus received—three. On Christmas Eve, we read about the birth of Jesus and talk about the three gifts He was given. The following morning, the three gifts for each child are under the tree, and we talk again about the real meaning of Christmas.
When the children were younger, they really enjoyed knowing they got three gifts just like Jesus, and now it’s a great ongoing tradition. Doing this has helped us avoid the trap of making each Christmas “bigger and better” than the one before. It’s helped us point our children back to Jesus’ birthday and the Bible on Christmas morning.
Simple … but meaningful. (Contributed by Tracey Eyster)
5. As a family we often talk about the incarnation and how Jesus humbled Himself when He was born in a manger. We have enjoyed worshipping the Lord at home on Christmas Eve (sometimes travel makes this impossible). At times. we sing hymns and Christmas songs together as we gather around the piano. As we slow down the pace of life and enjoy Christmas Eve as a family, we take time to reflect on all God has brought us through during the year and thank Him for being our Savior. (Contributed by John Breitenstein)
6. We do not place presents under the tree until Christmas morning. This turns our focus away from “what am I going to get for Christmas” to remembering the birth of Jesus. No one counts gifts to see who has the most under the tree. No one keeps track of the size of the presents or the pretty paper. On Christmas morning the gifts are under the tree, and the children take turns handing them out. We watch as they are opened—one by one. Each gift is appreciated by everyone. It takes longer to do this, but it is definitely worth the time to be thankful and thoughtful and much less worried about stuff. (Contributed by Anne Coletti)
7. When our children were young, we filled a basket with straw and placed it next to the nativity set. During Advent, my husband, the kids, and I would do secret deeds to express our love to Jesus Christ. For example, we might cheerfully empty the trash, bake cookies for a lonely neighbor, or spend time praying for one another. We would secretly put a piece of straw in the manger for each secret deed. Then, on Christmas Day, as an act of worship we placed the figure of baby Jesus on the bed of straw. (Contributed by Mary May Larmoyeux)
8. Samaritan’s Purse is an international Christian relief and evangelism organization. We have used the Samaritan’s Purse catalog and allowed the kids to pick the things they want to give. Things like: feed a hungry baby for a week, family survival kit, blankets, soccer balls, Bible lessons for children, etc.
We also encourage the kids to put in some coins at the Salvation Army buckets when we enter stores. That keeps their focus on giving and being generous rather than thinking about what they can get for themselves.
There are so many opportunities to give. It really helps remind us that God gave us a great gift in Jesus, and because of that, we can bless others, too. (Contributed by Kris G.)
9. Since I’m single and my extended family doesn’t care to celebrate the religious meaning of Christmas, I go to as many Christian Christmas programs as I can get to. Volunteering with the Salvation Army Christmas giving program is nice, too, because giving to strangers (especially children) in need really is the meaning of Christmas … after all, I was a stranger in need, and Christ left heaven to be my gift. (Contributed by Toni Ferguson)
10. I try to be especially mindful of what I read and write during the holidays, as it is so easy to be distracted by other things. The story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42 comes to mind. It takes a deliberate effort to focus on the real meaning of Christmas. One way I attempt to accomplish this is by creating my own poems about the birth of Jesus. Here are the first two stanzas from one of my Christmas poems:
Baby Boy of Bethlehem,
Is it true what they say?
You’ve come to save the world,
Not to judge it.
To heal the sick
And lift the broken hearted.
Baby Boy of Bethlehem,
Is it true what they say?
Your name is above every name.
You’re Wonderful Counselor,
King of kings, Lord of lords,
Prince of peace.
What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of Easter?
I really want to answer this question by saying, “the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.” But in reality, my thoughts usually drift to the beautiful Easter baskets that my grandmother gave me as a child. They were filled with an assortment of colored eggs, wrapped chocolates, and sometimes even a doll.
As parents, though, we want Easter to be more than Easter baskets—much more! Here are 10 ideas that will help you celebrate its real meaning:
1. Ask your family the following questions: “What is Easter? Why does it matter whether or not Jesus Christ rose from the dead?” Then read and discuss John 20 as a family.
2. Take some time to consider what Jesus’ death on the cross means to you. Encourage other family members to do the same. On a sheet of paper write down the ways that you have sinned against God. Thank Him for sending His Son to die on the cross for your sins. After spending some time in prayer, destroy the paper—knowing that Jesus’ death on the cross paid for your sins in full.
3. We are told in Luke 7:47, “… her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.” As you approach Easter, are you harboring unforgiveness for anyone? By faith, release any bitterness to God and let Him be the judge.
4. Read 1 John 4:14-15 with your children: “We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.” Then complete the following craft to help your children understand that Jesus’ death on the cross provides the only way they can have a relationship with God:
Cut out a cardboard cross for each child. Explain that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and that He wants us to accept Him as our Lord and Savior. Help the children write some examples of their sins on their crosses. Then cut them into puzzle pieces. Discuss how Jesus’ death on the cross totally paid for our sins, and put the puzzles together—as an illustration of how Jesus wants to put our lives together again.
5. Ask your children to pretend that they are news reporters witnessing the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. They can either present a “live broadcast” to the family, or write a news article about their observations. If you have older children, as a family read and discuss Lee Strobel’s book The Case for Easter.
6. Have a family or neighborhood Easter egg hunt using Resurrection Eggs®. Each set includes a dozen plastic eggs that contain symbols of Jesus’ journey to the cross.
8. Check out the new Easter resources from Ever Thine Home® such as the Behold the Lamb Easter Wreath and Messiah Mystery.
9. Discuss ways your family can share the hope of Jesus Christ with others. Do you have an elderly neighbor whose day would be brightened by a batch of Resurrection Cookies? Is there someone who you could pick up for church or include in your Easter dinner?
10. Hold an Easter Sunrise Service for your family (if possible, outside). Start just before the sun begins to rise—talk with the children about the darkness. As rays of sunlight appear, explain that light permeates darkness—that the Light overcame the darkness when Jesus rose from the dead. Assign every family member a part in the service. Someone could give a brief Easter message, others could read Scriptures, sing, prepare a special handout for the family sunrise service, seat family members on special chairs, etc.
Long after we have celebrated Easter Sunday, may we continue to bring the joy of the Resurrection into everyday life. When you and your family members see the sun rise throughout the year, you may want to remind one another, “He is risen … risen, indeed! He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said” (Matthew 28:6).
Easter is such a powerful and holy season. But it is quickly being overshadowed by an overgrown rabbit, and its real meaning is often lost on over-sugared children. Even many adults are unsure as to why we celebrate Easter. Discover (or rediscover) the beauty of this pivotal event in the relationship between God and man with these ideas for creating a more meaningful Easter:
1. If you are unfamiliar with why Easter is celebrated, read the account of Jesus’ death and resurrection in Luke 23-24:7.
2. Rediscover why you celebrate Easter. Pull yourself away from the plastic eggs, fluffy bunnies, and chicks. Spend some time remembering what God has done for you to cure “Easter apathy.”
3. Have a neighborhood party with FamilyLife’s Resurrection Eggs®. Each set of 12 colorful plastic eggs contains objects that illustrate the true story of Easter. Hide the Resurrection Eggs along with plastic eggs that are filled with candy. After all of the eggs are found, open them together. Using the Resurrection Eggs, explain the miracle of Christ’s resurrection while the children munch on Easter treats.
4. If your kids have Easter baskets, try and keep the focus off of the “stuff.” How about a new children’s devotional or book? Include a bookmark with a Scripture about a character trait that you would like for them to grow in this year, or include a cross necklace if you have a daughter. Explain the significance of the cross. Kids love Scripture set to music, such as the Seeds of Faith, Seeds of Courage, or Seeds of Praise DVDs.
5. Make Resurrection Rolls and put them in bright baskets to give to friends and neighbors. Be sure to include an explanation on why the rolls are “empty” (to signify the empty tomb—Christ is risen!).
6. Check local news sites for listings of Passion plays in your area. Invite another family to attend one with you.
7. The film, JESUS, is the account of Jesus’ life based on the Gospel of Luke. It has been translated into over 100 languages and is a great gift to co-workers or neighbors whose native language is not English. Purchase the English children’s version to share with your family.
8. Introduce your children to the concept of dying to selfish desires to train them to focus on God and deepen their relationship with Him. You may want to fast, as a family, from food or from something that you all enjoy doing. For example, replace dessert with a time of family prayer, go without TV for a weekend, sing praises together instead of plugging in an iPod, etc.
9. Celebrate Passover (Deuteronomy 16:1-8) and the Last Supper (Matthew 26:17-30) with a traditional Passover Seder (a Jewish ritual feast marking the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover). What a meaningful way to teach your children that Christ is our sacrificial Lamb in fulfillment of Scripture.
Spring is a time of new life and awakening. Encourage your family in a spiritual awakening!
We often tell our teenagers, “When you go out with someone, you’re going out with either your future mate or someone else’s future mate.” It helps our children treat the opposite sex with dignity and honor. There are a few other specifics they need to learn:
What a girl needs to know about boys
First, boys are stimulated by sight and by touch.
Second, girls must be prepared to set the physical boundaries in the dating relationship. Few boys have been taught and trained by their parents to set limits; they are naturally the aggressors. In her book, Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot stridently challenges young women: “A woman holds the key to the situation where a man’s passions are involved. He will be as much of a gentleman as she requires and, when the chips are down, probably no more, even if he has strict standards of his own.”
Third, girls should allow a young man to assume the initiative in a relationship. Yes, this runs counter to the culture, but it is a key lesson to learn if she wants to form a successful marriage union in the future. Your daughter should be supportive as a boy does show initiative and moral leadership in the relationship.
What a boy needs to know about girls
First, our sons need to be taught to be moral leaders and draw boundaries for behavior on dates ahead of time. From the first date, the girl should know what her date will and will not do (physically speaking) in the relationship. Daniel 1:8 says, “Daniel made up his mind in advance that he was not going to defile himself with the king’s food.” His convictions were in place; his courage was solidifying ahead of time. These verbalized convictions keep a young man out of the trap.
He must also be warned and prepared to deal with girls who will come after him sexually and emotionally. The rules of sexual conduct between male and female have changed in our culture from the biblical model. Your son needs to be on guard and protect his heart as he relates to girls. And he must understand that it is inappropriate to discuss matters of sexual intimacy with a girlfriend.
Second, he needs to know that girls are stimulated sexually differently than he is. Sight and touch stimulate men. Relationship, words, or kindness generally stimulate women.
Third, some girls today are hungering for affection they are not receiving from their fathers. A young man needs to understand that if a girl is snuggling up to him and being overly affectionate, she may be subconsciously trying to fill some empty gaps in her heart.
Fourth, a young man must treat a young lady with dignity. This starts with common courtesies—opening doors, paying for dates, etc. My sons know what I ask a young man who is taking their sister out, and they know they are accountable to me for treating a young lady the same way.
Adapted fromParenting Today’s Adolescent.Copyright 1998 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson Publishers.
My husband, Duncan, and my son Noah were at the cannery store. Duncan had to get groceries from the cannery, and Noah, seven, had to get a present for his sister, who was turning nine. He had a little money in his pocket, money he’d earned from working in the fishing boat with us. Noah found something his sister would like—a set of colored erasers—and asked Duncan how much it was.
“It’s three dollars,” Duncan said after peering at the price tag. “Do you have three dollars?”
“Nope. I’ve only got two.” Noah stood for a moment fingering his money. Then suddenly he stuffed the money back into his pocket and began wiggling a loose tooth, his mouth cranked open, his eyes focused in concentration. In less than a minute he held the tooth in hand, bloody at one end, and extended it without a word to Duncan. An astonished Duncan (our family tooth fairy) took the tooth, fished out the last needed dollar from his own pocket, and the purchase was made.
When Duncan returned from the store with Noah’s tooth in his pocket and this story, I laughed. Another example of Noah’s determination and perseverance, traits we had worked hard to encourage. See what we’ve taught him? We must be doing something right! But then I frowned. Wait! He’s selling body parts, and his father’s buying them. Isn’t that just a little too stoic and intense for a seven-year-old? What have we done? Maybe we’re working him too hard. …
The inner courtroom
Even in the most innocuous of events with my children, I erect an internal courtroom almost instantly, complete with lawyers, a jury, and a judge. I haven’t yet reached a verdict in this instance, but I have on many other occasions.
Why do so many of us do this? Why are we poised over every event, ready to prophesy the future, ready to render judgment on our children’s performance—and on our own performance as a parent? How do we know if we are doing a good job?
God’s spiritual heroes
We must turn to God’s Word. If we want to raise spiritual champions, we must ask ourselves what the Scriptures say about them.
Hebrews 11, the great Hall of Faith chapter, provides just such a list, where the author identifies men and women who through extraordinary faith, “conquered kingdoms, administered justice … shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames … whose weakness was turned to strength. … Others were tortured and refused to be released. … They were stoned; they were sawed in two. … They went about … destitute, persecuted, and mistreated.” In short, “The world was not worthy of them” (Hebrews 11:32-38).
The immensity of their faith is so stunning: surely these individuals were raised by wise, God-fearing, faith-filled parents. Surely they were the same kind of parent to their own children. Yet as I consider the lives of these heroes, I am not sure I can reach that conclusion.
Abraham was impatient for the son God promised. Urged on by his wife, he sired a child by her maidservant, Hagar, and allowed this woman and his own son Ishmael to be banished to the desert.
Isaac and Rebekah were the parents of Jacob and Esau. Each openly favored one son over the other. Rebekah, lacking faith in God’s ability to overcome Isaac’s favoritism, instructed Jacob to commit an unthinkable travesty: to lie to his father and steal the blessing from Esau, which he did.
Jacob learned his lessons well from his mother and continued to deceive his way toward success—lying to Esau, lying to Laban, and treating his wives and his ten sons with inequity.
Moses was pulled from his basket on the Nile by the daughter of the pharaoh. God chose for him to be raised by a woman who worshiped many gods and who taught Moses to do the same.
Jephthah, a mighty warrior for God, was born to a prostitute. As a father, he killed his only daughter as a sacrifice to God because of an impetuous vow.
By our contemporary standards, most of these families were dismal failures. They include polygamous family groupings rife with division and jealousy, prostitute mothers, heathen mothers, families with rampant favoritism and fratricide. The only discernible patterns here seem to be those of human sin and error. Yet God transformed their weaknesses into a faith that accomplished his eternal purposes.
Here is what I learn from this: I am not sovereign over my children—God is. And God will use every aspect of my human parenting, even my sins and failures, to shape my children into who he desires them to be, for the sake of his kingdom.
Does God pass our parenting test?
The Old Testament provides a long and deep look into the heart of the only perfect parent—God himself. In the Bible, God identifies himself over and over as a Father. When we look at his children, however, the news is not good. Beginning with Adam and Eve and moving through history, the story doesn’t improve. By the days of Noah, God’s people had so polluted the world with their wickedness that God regretted having made them. He ended the lives of every man, woman, and child who was not faithful to him. God birthed another family later, the children of Israel, whom God called “my firstborn son” (Exodus 4:22). We know the tortuous record of that relationship, involving children who rebelled against their Father grievously.
Our own record as God’s children is not much better. What shall we say for ourselves? Shall we point to our own pure hearts whose sole desire is to serve God with all of our being? No. If God’s success as a parent is to be judged by us, his children, what can we conclude? God himself does not pass our parenting test.
How can we know if we are parenting successfully?
We know by now that we are asking the wrong questions. We are so focused on ourselves—our own need for success and the success of our children—that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test. We cannot pass the test, I’m afraid. If we’re graded on a curve, we will always find parents and children who are more obedient, more joyful, and more peaceful. If we are graded on an absolute scale, then we all fail.
We must rethink our calling. We are not capable of producing perfect followers of Christ, as if we were perfect ourselves. Our work cannot purchase anyone else’s salvation or sanctification. Parents with unbelieving children, friends with children in jail, and the faith heroes in Hebrews 11 are all powerful reminders of this truth: Our children will make their choices, God will be sovereign, and God will advance his kingdom.
It is my earnest hope that these truths will move our parenting out of the courtroom that is always in session in our hearts. I have wasted so much time and emotion quaking before that inner judge and jury! Through God’s Word, I am freed to return to my first calling: to live out and speak the truths of God’s words wherever I am, especially before my children, regardless of their response. Now I can focus more on my obedience than on my children’s weaknesses. I am not as likely to give up when a child persists in willfulness. And I can continue trusting and relying upon God.
Who can I trust more than God? Before him, I can release my powerless clutch on my children and myself and return what has belonged to him all along. I can rest—we can all rest—secure in his hands. These are the hands of the One who has fearfully and wonderfully made every one of us. The hands of a judge who is perfect in justice and mercy. The hands of a Father who longs to lead his daughters and sons safely home to his side.
Dennis: Plenty of people wonder what to spank for and what not to spank for. When our kids were growing up, we didn’t spank for childishness. I’ll never forget the time that our daughter Ashley, who was about 2 at the time, took Barbara’s lipstick and ground it into our brand-new white bedspread. The bedspread served as an inkpad into which she proceeded to put her hands and feet and then walk all over the room. There were footprints and handprints everywhere—even into the bathroom on the mirror and walls. We didn’t spank for that.
In the process of parenting, we don’t have to feel the pressure to get it down to an exact science. Children are human beings, and each child is unique in her own way. Parenting is not an exacting form that we can pour our children into and expect them to conform to specific standards. We need to walk with the Lord and listen carefully to what He has to say in the middle of the process without being brittle and inflexible.
The Bible is a practical working guide for parents who want to hear what the Lord says about discipline. Barbara and I built our own philosophy of spanking from Proverbs 6:16-18, which says, “There are six things which the Lord hates, yes seven, which are an abomination to Him.” From those verses, here’s a list of what I call the “dirty half-dozen,” the characteristics God finds most displeasing:
Haughty eyes. Sassiness or disrespectful speaking; this also includes disrespectful looks such as eye-rolling.
Hands that shed innocent blood. This is when a child hurts someone else because he’s angry and doesn’t like what’s happening. It includes biting, hitting, kicking, or anything else that damages another person.
A heart that devises wicked plans. In this situation, a child thinks up a devious plan or is deceitfully planning ahead as to how she’s going to con someone. It can include getting back at a sibling who has tattled on her.
Feet that run rapidly to evil. This describes a child who has a propensity to always do something wrong. The Bible wants us to be sure to discipline that child quickly.
A false witness. This is another form of lying.
Deceit, and one who spreads strife among brothers. This occurs in families, particularly among siblings.
Barbara: You don’t want a pattern of lying to develop, but if you don’t establish this early with your child, then you’ll be playing catch-up from then on. We let our kids know from the time they were little that telling a lie would automatically get a spanking in our house.
It’s not a bad idea to sit down with your children when they’re very young, even starting at 6 months old, and go through these verses with them and start talking about these problems. We attempted to say to our kids each time we spanked them, “If you learn the hard lessons now, you may not have to learn some painful lessons as an adult.” There are plenty of foolish adults out there, and I often wonder if the reason is that they weren’t trained or didn’t heed the training of their parents when they were children.
Copyright 2002 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
I grew up the eldest of four kids. We had enough, but there was not a lot of excess. My parents were very careful with their finances. Christmas was wonderful, but gifts were carefully chosen, not overdone, and sometimes purchased with creativity.
I still remember one particularly moving Christmas. My younger brother had begged and longed for a bike—his first real big two-wheeler. He couldn’t wait to see what Santa brought. Anticipation and excitement pulsated throughout our home the night before, and by dawn’s early light we kids were standing by the living room door waiting impatiently for permission to enter.
My brother’s face burst into joy when he saw his bright red two-wheeler. He was way too excited to notice that the tires were a bit worn, the paint obviously fresh, and small rust marks treated. It was his, and it was perfect!
Until … later in the day when his best friend Tom, who lived across the street, came over with his new bike. It was bigger, shinier, and still had new tags and stickers in place.
My little brother’s shoulders began to sag as he looked at his bike and compared it to Tom’s. Someone else had something bigger and better. And he was disappointed.
Mom and Dad were quick to point out the special features of both bikes and sent the boys off to ride, not allowing the differences in the bikes to become an issue. Instead, they had us all rejoicing that both boys got bikes.
Over the years I’ve wondered how my parents really felt. They probably felt sad that they could not do for their kids what our neighbors could. They may have wondered if my brother felt as loved as his buddy. And I imagine they were a bit embarrassed when the neighbors saw what my brother got—obviously a second-hand gift.
Perhaps you, as a parent or grandparent, are feeling a bit sad as Christmas approaches because you cannot give your children everything they want. If this is you, be glad!
And if you are able to do all they want … don’t do it!
Bad for us, bad for our kids
We live in a culture of entitlement. And it’s dangerous. In order to keep our kids happy or to avoid disappointing them we give in excess. This is bad for us and bad for our kids.
Why?
Because they are going to live in a world where they will not always be able to have whatever they want when they want it. If they don’t begin to learn this lesson while they are young, they will have very miserable lives as adults.
Our kids have to learn to wait. That thing they want now might have to be a gift in the future. Wise parents teach their children to wait while they are young. This prepares them for adulthood.
True happiness comes from giving, not getting. This is true in marriage, it’s true in sibling relationships, and in every other relationship we have.
So what do we do?
1. Don’t be afraid to disappoint your child. You’d be surprised how many “must-have toys” are misplaced or forgotten after a week.
2.Shop second-hand or on Craigslist.
3.Make a family policy not to buy anything advertised on TV. Kids will want everything they see on commercials. Tell them, “We don’t buy what we see on commercials.” (Okay, this might be a little severe, but do make some kind of family policy.)
4.Refuse to fall into the guilt trap or the comparison trap. Don’t feel guilty because you can’t purchase the same expensive gifts as your friends.
5.Remain upbeat no matter what your child’s reaction is. Help your children to be thankful. Remind them of all the good things they received.
6.Cultivate generosity in your kids. Before Christmas, have them clean out their toys and give some away to those in need.
7.Remind your kids that we are rich, not poor. The majority of us have a roof over our heads, a real floor to walk on, and food to eat. Show your children pictures of kids in third-world countries or drive through a poor neighborhood in your town. Talk about what you see and how you might help. This will give them perspective and a heart to serve others.
8.Focus on the real meaning of Christmas. Initiate table conversation that focuses on the events surrounding the birth of Christ, rather than on who wants what.
As I reflect on my brother’s second-hand bike, what has stayed with me over the years was that Mom and Dad chose to be upbeat and grateful. They knew that someone else would always have bigger and better and more.
But what we had was the most precious: an understanding of the gift of Jesus and our love for one another.
When you think of your Christmas celebrations as a child, what do you recall? I picture myself as a young girl, standing by the closed living room door on Christmas morning, knowing that on the other side awaited lots of presents around the Christmas tree. But before that door would swing open, Dad would read the verses in Luke about the real meaning of Christmas.
I remember thinking, Can’t you hurry? We have presents to unwrap!
Today I cherish the memory of my father wanting his children to know the real story of Christmas. It’s an impossible account, one of a virgin giving birth. And not just to an ordinary child, but to the very Savior of the world!
Not too long ago I once again read Luke 2 and other Scriptures about the day the Jesus was born. As I imagined what it must have been like, the old familiar story came alive with rich spiritual truths. And I was reminded of some of the things that our children need to know about the Messiah’s birth.
Long before you open Christmas presents this year, why not spend an evening reading aloud through the story of Christ’s birth? As you read through the accounts in the Gospel of Matthew and Luke, here are eight things to teach your kids about Christmas:
1. Christmas is about Christ.
The earthly mother of Jesus, Mary, never overlooked the fact that Christ’s birth was anything but ordinary.
When the shepherds came to worship the Babe, they told Mary and Joseph about the heavenly host who had announced His birth, praising God. What was Mary’s response?
Luke 2:19 says that she “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). She took time to think over and over again about what had happened on that first Christmas day.
Imagine what must have gone through her mind as she heard the shepherds describe the angelic host that proclaimed Jesus’ birth, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” (Luke 2:14).
A lifetime of pondering would never provide human understanding of how it had all come about. How could a poor young girl cradle the Savior of the world?
As presents are placed under the Christmas tree, we should teach our children about God’s greatest gift to mankind: Jesus Christ.
2. Jesus is God and has always existed.
Imagine young Mary gazing into the face of her newborn on what we now call the first Christmas day. As she wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, she held the perfect Son of God. “He is the image of the invisible God,” says Colossians 1:15-17, “the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created … And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”
When I was a child, I didn’t understand that Jesus Christ always existed. In my little mind I thought that His life began on Christmas. But now I realize that although His earthly life had a beginning, Jesus Christ has always been. Why? Because He is God.
We should teach our children that even though Jesus’ human form began in Mary’s womb, the Son of God is eternal.
3. Jesus was born into a family.
From the beginning of time God chose Mary to be Jesus’ mother and Joseph to be His earthly father. Joseph was already betrothed to Mary when he learned that she was going to have a child. At first he planned to divorce her quietly (Matthew 1:18-25). After all, how could Mary have been faithful to him if she was with child?
Imagine how he must have felt when an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream saying: “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”
Like Mary, in a moment of faith he accepted what was fact: Mary was going to give birth to the Son of God. And God had chosen him to be His earthly father. Mary and Joseph’s relationship was centered on pleasing God and following His unique purpose for their lives.
We should teach our children that God placed His Son in a family.
4. We can trust God with the circumstances of our life.
Was it a mere coincidence that Caesar Augustus had required a census of the entire Roman world at the exact time that Mary was to deliver her child? Was it just a twist of fate that caused Jesus to be born in Bethlehem, the “City of David”?
Perhaps, from man’s point of view. But not from God’s perspective.
Centuries before the Savior was born, the prophet Micah foretold where He would be born. “But you, O Bethlehem … from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old” (Micah 5:2).
We should teach our children to trust God in the circumstances of their lives. Sometimes the puzzle pieces of individual events won’t make sense … until He puts them together. And sometimes that won’t happen on this side of eternity.
5. Everyone does not want to worship Jesus.
Matthew 2:1-2 tells us that sometime after the birth of Jesus, “Wise men from the east came to Jerusalem saying, ‘Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.’”
When Herod heard this he was troubled. Why? Because he knew the prophecy in Micah 5:2 and feared the one who would be “the ruler of Israel.” Herod thought the “king of the Jews” would capture his throne.
Herod ruled as a tyrant, killing anyone who threatened his power. But rather than show his disdain for the Messiah to the wise men, he asked if they would report where He was born. It was a seemingly innocent request that did not reveal his evil heart: Herod actually wanted to kill the Babe of Bethlehem.
We should teach our children that all people do not want to worship Jesus, even if they say they do. Some people today are like Herod—their actions will reveal their hearts.
6. Jesus can work in the darkest places of life.
A prophecy of Zechariah about Jesus was recorded in Luke 1:78-79: “Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God’s Sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness … then showing us the way, one foot at a time …” (The Message).
In our 21st-century world, children cannot be totally protected from the onslaught of darkness. Through television, the internet, and radio, horrific events find themselves not thousands of miles away, but in our very living rooms.
What should we as parents do? The same thing parents needed to do centuries ago: point our children to Jesus. He is the light of the world, and He wants to guide them one step at a time.
We should teach our children that Jesus can work in even the most sinister situations of this world. That they can be certain that darkness can never overcome Him.
7. The Son of God had a humble beginning.
At the time of Jesus’ birth, most people struggled to provide for their families. Farmers, fishermen, carpenters—they did not have lives of privilege. Though Jesus was called the King of the Jews, He was born into a humble family.
This points to the fact that Christ’s kingdom is not of this world. Mary gave birth to the Christ Child in a stable, because there was no room for them in the inn (Luke 2:7). The One who created everything in the universe laid His head in a feed trough; the riches of this world are nothing compared to knowing Him.
May we teach our children that God does not value people according to their possessions. Instead, He looks at their hearts.
8. Jesus is the Bread of Life.
More than 2,000 years ago a baby named Jesus was born in the town of Bethlehem, “the house of bread.”
As we gather with loved ones to enjoy a Christmas meal, may we teach our children that Jesus is the Bread of Life. That they not only need bread for their physical nourishment, but also the Bread of Life for their spiritual health.
John 6:33 tells us, “For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
As you read through the nativity narratives in Matthew and Luke, you will probably think of additional truths to teach your children. Whether you teach them eight or 80 eternal truths, one thing is certain: Jesus is the treasure worth seeking. He is the very reason that we celebrate Christmas.
This morning I woke up sad. Nothing dramatic happened. No life altering news had been delivered. In fact before going to bed last night we received good news about our next grandchild.
Still, I woke up with the question, “How do I have joy when it seems that so much is unsettled, unresolved, and unrestored in my life, my relationships, my world?” I cannot list publicly all the relationships that need mending, the problems that feel overwhelming and unresolvable, or put a name to the general anxiety that creeps in regularly from life in this volatile world. Like a cloud that keeps building till it blocks out the sun, I’m feeling chilled in the shadows, even on this bright sunny day.
After fixing my coffee, I settled on the couch with my Bible. A question in my study asked me to read Daniel 10, which says, “I, Daniel, had been mourning for three entire weeks.” This was not a man given to exaggeration, so he made it clear he mourned not for parts of three weeks, but for 21 straight days. Nor was Daniel an ordinary man, for he was repeatedly titled “man of high esteem” in his frequent interactions with angelic beings. Mistakenly we think a visit by an angel would be thrilling and life-giving. Daniel found it exhausting and life draining.
What seems to have caused his three weeks of mourning was unanswered prayer. Visions of the future and visits from heaven did not erase his sadness over unanswered prayer. Burdened, perplexed, waiting long saps joy. Feeling what Daniel felt is of comfort. At least I’m not alone.
When God doesn’t come through, then what? That’s the shadow casting sadness for me right now. And nothing can be done but wait.
Living for Jesus is costly business. How easily I forget that following Him is a life of difficulty as He helps me throw off those distractions, mistaken assumptions, and sinful patterns that keep me from seeing Him clearly? I became all His decades ago, but His refining work never ceases.
Rather than getting easier, my faith trials become more difficult with time. Baby steps for babies. Grownup strides for the mature. I want to be mature so I must accept His purifying work that is individualized for me even when I can’t see the next step ahead.
I’ve been in this place before, so I know He will continue His work until He pleases to pause. The sun will shine again. And if the answers to my prayers don’t come at all or as I expected I will choose to believe and follow. Jesus loves me this I know. And that is all that matters.
Here’s a prayer for you and me that was written in 1916: “Cause Thy face to be upon the dark places through which we be called to pass this day and may we be made to feel that it is better to hold on to Thy hand in the dark than to walk alone in the light.”
Blogs I’ve been reading are oozing with enthusiasm, emotion, and eager anticipation for the holiday season. Descriptions of fireplaces and hot cocoa, plaids and sequins, lights and laughter are so vivid they feel like an attempt to scatter glitter from every screen. Be warm, be filled, be happy. Let the dazzling delights of the season satisfy.
But for many of us the holiday sparkles only magnify our loneliness. Our losses. There has been a cloud of discouragement over my world this fall. Like a moving cold front with periodic breaks in the cloud deck or dark stretches with thick rolling billows, it has changed from day to day, but the external circumstances in my world have not.
I have a friend whose son and daughter-in-law are divorcing. Their situation is unbelievably complicated by a beyond-healing medical condition. How does my friend find joy in this season?
My daughter has lots of friends, godly young women, who yearn to be married but are waiting again this Christmas for that long-prayed-for but still-unanswered prayer. Yes, they know marriage is not the answer for all, but they also know Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” The ever-present images of happy children opening gifts with ever-smiling moms and dads is a constant reminder to these delightful young women of their aloneness.
Another young friend will walk through this season knowing her unborn baby has a heart defect.
It seems our prayer list of dear friends, family members, and many acquaintances is littered with challenging medical issues and broken relationships. Where do they and we find joy in this season and beyond?
In God alone
One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 33:6: “And he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge.” No matter the current national or world crisis, and though our eyes constantly look for the outward to satisfy, to fill us, to bring us joy, it is only found within. David said, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation” (Psalm 51:12). He knew the source was in God alone.
Joni Eareckson Tada gives me the perspective I need. Since a diving accident in 1967, she has been bound to a wheelchair and to the constant need of others caring for her physical needs.
She said in an interview, “In the morning when I wake up, I know they’ll be coming into my bedroom to give me a bed bath, to do my toileting routines, pull up my pants, put me in the wheelchair, feed me my breakfast, and push me out the front door. I lie there thinking, Oh God, I cannot face this. I’m so tired of this routine. I don’t know how I’m going to make it to lunchtime. But I can do all things through You as You strengthen me. Can I please borrow Your smile? I need it.”
Do you tear up just reading those words? I do. Do you shake your head incredulously at her impossible-to-comprehend circumstances? I do. And I marvel.
She went on to say, “I make myself be happy. I make myself sing because I have to. I choose the Holy Spirit’s help because I don’t want to go down that grim, dark path to depression any more. Cast yourself at the mercy of God and let Him show up through your weaknesses because that is what He promises.”
Her faith stuns me. But God eagerly waits to meet us when we come with our losses and broken hearts to His welcoming embrace. That is where joy is found in the holiday season—in a real, vital, alive relationship with Jesus Christ who willingly shrunk His deity to a single cell to then be born on Christmas Day for our sake.
Come to Him. Give Him your broken heart. Adore Him always as Christ the Lord. Then sing for joy that He has not abandoned us. Not for a moment will He forsake thee or me!
The children came up with a list. When they were finished, Dan asked them why they thought the Gaffney family kept these traditions. And that led to the following dialogue with his 4-year-old son, Joel:
“Why do you think we celebrate Christmas as a holiday?” Dan asked.
“Because God needs a Christmas tree … and presents,” Joel replied.
“Why do you think we light candles?”
Joel was sure he knew this one, “Uh, because the electricity goes out.”
“And what about the house? Why do we decorate it for Christmas?” Dan asked.
“So we don’t get snow on our house,” Joel said. “Because if there’s snow on the roof we’ll slip off when we try to put the decorations up!”
Why are Christmas traditions important?
We laugh at the logic of a 4-year-old, but honestly, Joel’s words do challenge us to think about the traditions many of us maintain during the Christmas holidays—the dinners, the decorations, and the gifts. Perhaps there is something more—some additional traditions that would bring more meaning to your holidays and make Christ the true center of Christmas.
Traditions are powerful for a family. For one thing, they bring families closer together. By nature, traditions take time and commitment. This time together helps you make new memories while also remembering the past. Traditions remind us to stop the busy cycle of life long enough to reconnect and build bonds.
But the ones that are most affected by traditions are children. “Children love rituals,” says Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center. “Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
They find a sense of awe in the holidays, giving them a picture not only of family bonding, but also of the importance of Christ—the celebration of His majesty.
Traditions create legacy. Traditions are a great way to pass down family values to children who will in turn, pass them on to their children and so on. Just as God told the Jews in Deuteronomy 11:18-20:
“You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates …”
When used properly, traditions are a great way to pass down stories of faith and customs through the generations. As children interact with their senses—the feeling of the prickly needles and the smells of the evergreens and the sounds of caroling—parents should remind them of the meaning of these traditions. The evergreen tree is a reminder of the cross and the everlasting life of Christ, and the sounds of caroling are the proclamation of rejoicing.
Traditions are symbolic. Perhaps the most important purpose of traditions in the Christian community is to remind us of Christ Himself. This is most obvious in the symbol of communion. In Luke 22:19, we find Jesus leading the disciples in the first communion. At the end of this verse, He says, “… Do this in remembrance of Me.”
In the same way, we have Christmas traditions that remind us of Christ. The nativity reminds us that God came as a man in the flesh to take away the sins of the world, and gifts repeat the story of the three wise men that came to adore the Christ child.
It may sound strange, but Christmas traditions don’t have to be … well … traditional. You can start new activities that bring meaning to your holidays and build a legacy for your family. Perhaps you came from a family of non-believers, and you have never celebrated traditions that were based on Christ. Or perhaps you have found that your current traditions have no meaning for your family. This year, we have compiled 10 ideas for new traditions, some from FamilyLife and some from our readers.
1. The names of Christmas. The Christmas holiday is really just a part of the gospel story—God came as the man, Jesus, in the flesh to be the perfect sacrifice for our sins. Jesus’ birth signifies God’s grace and love for His people.
2. Fast a meal. In America, Christmas includes a large focus on food. This year during the week before Christmas, give up a meal and pray during that time for the poor, hungry, and spiritually lost in the world.
3. Use decorations to tell about the entire life of Christ. Christmas is a time that usually emphasizes the birth of Jesus, but decorations can also celebrate the remainder of His life on earth. In addition to the basic nativity set, angels, and stars, use the Ever Thine Home Christmas collection to adorn your tree and home.
4. Watch a movie that remembers the life of Christ. There are several good films that focus on the birth, death, and life of Christ. We recommend Jesus of Nazareth, the film, Jesus, or for mature audiences, The Passion of the Christ. Or for a change of pace, try Ben Hur, a movie that begins with Jesus’ birth and ends with His death, and tells the story of a man who was transformed by His love and forgiveness.
By watching movies that focus on other aspects of the life of Jesus, the Christmas celebration of His birth is put into proper perspective. This can be an excellent opportunity to talk to your children about why Christ had to come in the form of a child.
5. Share stories about how God has worked in your life. Have you ever told your children the story of your salvation? How about your spouse? While the family is together during the holidays, use the time to share your personal stories about faith, redemption, and life change. Also, reflect on the previous year and talk about how you have grown in your faith individually and as a family.
Traditions recommended by our readers
In a past newsletter we asked our readers to send us some of their family traditions that keep Christ as the center of their celebrations. Although there were many wonderful ideas, here is a list of our five favorites.
1. Happy birthday, Jesus! A number of readers suggested a variation on this idea. One wrote:
I come from a long line of pagans, and we spend Christmas day with all of them. So my husband and I have established Christmas Eve as our time for celebrating the birth of Christ with our two boys, ages 3 and 5. We have a dinner together followed by the lighting of the Christ candle on our nativity wreath, and then Daddy reads the Scripture account of Jesus’ birth. After that we have a birthday cake for Jesus. The cake is chocolate, representing sin. It’s filled with cherry pie filling, representing the blood of Jesus, and it’s covered with white frosting which represents our new life in Christ.
2. Moving nativity
One of the things we do in the days before Christmas is place our nativity figures all over the house. The empty manger is placed under the Christmas tree. As the days get closer to Christmas, the figures are moved closer to the manger. The first thing my kids open on Christmas morning is a wrapped baby Jesus to remind them that Jesus is the best gift we can ever receive!
3. The gifts of the Three Wise Men
While looking for a new tradition for our family, I wanted to focus on the aspect of gift giving since it has become the central theme for many people at Christmas time. I found an old perfume bottle, and my kids and I covered it with colorful tissue paper. This represents the frankincense the wise men brought to Jesus. I then took an assortment of spices (whole cloves and cinnamon sticks) and wrapped them in a piece of green tissue paper tied with a ribbon. This represents the myrrh. Then I found a chain of gold balls—the kind you can get in any craft store. I wrapped this in gold tissue paper and tied it with ribbon. This represented the gold brought to Jesus.
All these were placed in a colorful gold bag—very fancy and beautiful. I then wrote up the verses found in Matthew 2:1-12, which tells the story of the three wise men, and added them to the bag.
Each year we went to church on Christmas Eve, and when we came home my children knew there were three gifts they were allowed to open before they went to bed. As a family we read the Scripture and opened the gifts one by one. We talked about how important it was that Jesus was born and that He was born for us. That was the reason for us receiving gifts. I told them, “Isn’t it great that it is Jesus’ birthday and He gives us all His presents?”
My children are now 17 and 15 and I know they will still want to open the three special gifts under our tree on Christmas Eve, even after all these years.
4. Family gathering
We decorate with all the traditional stuff—tree, lights, presents, etc. One year it dawned on me that we could add a deeper spiritual touch to our celebration by thinking in spiritual terms. As we gather to have our family Christmas, we began the evening by looking at the decorations and sharing what each item reminded us of:
The lights—Jesus, the Light of the world
The tree—the cross
The gifts—God’s gift to us
As our children grew each year, more spiritual meaning was given to our celebration.
5. A hard floor
We realized that Mary, Joseph, and Jesus did not have it easy that first Christmas, and we wanted to remember that. Each Christmas Eve we give up our beds and sleep on the floor together to remember what they must have endured. Our children are young enough at this point that they think it is fun and different, while we often feel it in our older backs. Each year they understand a little more the sacrifice that Mary and Joseph made, and at the same time we do enjoy the cozy family time.
1. It’s A Wonderful Life (1946). It’s a wonderful movie. My all-time favorite. Starring James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore, and Henry Travers. Directed by Frank Capra.
2. White Christmas (1954). Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye sing and dance to songs by Irving Berlin. It’s a “must see” every year. Starring Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, Vera-Ellen, Dean Jagger, and Mary Wickes. Directed by Michael Curtiz.
3. Holiday Inn (1942). Bing and Fred Astaire in the movie that the song “White Christmas” came from first. Not technically a Christmas movie, but it’s still a seasonal favorite. Starring Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, Marjorie Reynolds, Virginia Dale, Walter Abel, and Louise Beavers. Directed by Mark Sandrich.
4. All I Want For Christmas (1991). The Parent Trap meets Christmas. It’s all about making a marriage and family work. Starring Leslie Nielsen, Lauren Bacall, Harley Jane Kozak, Jamey Sheridan, Ethan Embry, Ethan Randall, and Kevin Nealon. Directed by Robert Lieberman.
5. Miracle on 34th Street (1947). See the original 1947 version, in black and white. We love the scene where a woman who has had too much to drink says, “We would love to have Santy Claus come and stay with us!” Starring Maureen O’Hara, John Payne, Edmund Gwenn, Gene Lockhart, Natalie Wood, and Porter Hall. Directed by George Seaton.
6. Meet John Doe (1941). Another film directed by the legendary Frank Capra (It’s A Wonderful Life) that has its climax at Christmas time. Starring Gary Cooper, Barbara Stanwyck, Edward Arnold, Walter Brennan, James Gleason, and Spring Byington. Directed by Frank Capra.
7. Christmas In Connecticut (1945). Again, look for the 1945 original with Barbara Stanwyck, not the remake that shows up on TV with Kris Kristofferson. It’s a classic screwball comedy that’s more about romance than Christmas. But it’s still fun to watch by a roaring fire. Starring Barbara Stanwyck, Dennis Morgan, Sydney Greenstreet, Reginald Gardiner, S.Z. Sakall, and Robert Shayne. Directed by Peter Godfrey.
We asked husbands, “What is one thing you most appreciate about your wives this Thanksgiving?” Here are the replies we received by email.
1. I love the insight into our children’s’ hearts that my wife, Karla, brings into our marriage. She is a wonderful household manager who performs miracles of joyous memories, sometimes with very limited materials. Her personality is exactly what I need to become the man God would have me be. I am grateful! —Warren Black
2. I love that my wife is my perfect complement. In areas that I need improvement in, she pushes me to be a better person. We continue to this day to learn how to work with each other and help each other. Even in those moments of difficulty, we can count on each other knowing our love is secure and that God can guide us to where we need to go. Just today, dealing with a difficult situation, I know I can turn to my rock and she can help bring me back to a better place.—Brian
3. My wife, Kate, is one of the most selfless people I know. She is constantly giving of herself to others and sacrificing of her time (and sleep!) if there is a need. She works third shift but will give up her rest if there is someone who needs a ride somewhere. She teaches Sunday school, sings on the worship team and runs the sound at church sometimes. Amazing! —Dave
4. Dana has stood by me for 24 years now and has been the perfect example of the Bible’s definition of a “help mate.” When I dream big, she prays for me. When my dreams crash around me, she prays for me. When my job became very successful and I lost my way home being caught up in the success, she prayed for me. When the stresses of being a businessman and a youth pastor pulled me under, she prayed for me. Today, I am a thankful husband for a wife who never gave up on me, never criticized me, never quit loving me, and never left my side. She is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh and I love her with all of my heart. —Glenn
5. Wow! Where do I begin, and how do I narrow it down. So instead [of one thing I’m grateful for], here’s three that immediately came to mind.
Humor: Deborah consistently is able to make me laugh. We’ve always stated that we got married because we couldn’t imagine living without our best friend, and we still enjoy each other’s company as friends because we have learned how to laugh together. And now after 17yrs of knowing her we have so many “inside jokes” that continue to make us chuckle when we think about them.
Loyalty: Deborah has stuck with me “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health”. It hasn’t always been easy and some of the “worse” times have been a direct result of my willful or stupid actions. Yet she continues to show me grace and love and a commitment to our relationship.
Accountability: Deborah understands that it’s not her role to be the Holy Spirit in my life. At the same time though, I think He uses her to give me a loving slap upside the head every now and then when I need it. She has made me a better person by challenging me in areas of my life that only she would know about and then she becomes my #1 cheerleader to encourage me to make the changes in my life.
—Abraham Lara
6. I am soooo thankful for my wife, Lana, who ministers to so many. She helps our daughter in raising our 5 grandchildren. She visits with her mom 5 days a week at the nursing home. She ministers to women in our church once a month helping younger women learn how to be a great mom and wife. I appreciate how she helps by co-leading our SS class and how she hosts our Life Group of 20 on a weekly basis. She also then ministers to me, keeping me eating healthy so I stay fit and am able to chase her around our home. In all these ways I appreciate her and how she helps keeps me focused on Christ. —Bob Richardson
7. Elizabeth and I are both so thankful that God in His wisdom – and perhaps His advanced sense of humor – made each of us such that neither of us is redundant in our relationship with each other. It is an occasionally confounding but ultimately glorious adventure. —Bret Hern
8. I am thankful Wendy is a child of God. If it were not the case, her ability to love me in my imperfections would not be so generous. If it were not the case, she would not be able to forgive or receive forgiveness as she does – keeping our relationship strong. If she were not a child of God, we would not be enjoying our 18th year of marriage and sharing the responsibility of raising our four daughters together. Because she is (and I am) a child of God, I have MUCH to be thankful for. —Chad Donley
9. I am most thankful for my wife’s commitment to the lordship of Christ in her life. In those times of marriage where we meet what would seem like an impossible impasse between us, it is ultimately our individual commitments to Christ that bring us back together and get us through. Even when the feelings for each other are not there, or the hurt is significant, or the conflict is long and drawn out, the eventual question we must each ask ourselves is, “What would Christ want me to do in this situation?” This trumps everything. And I know my wife’s commitment to this is unwavering. Consequently, I know she’s in it for the long haul no matter what comes our way. For this I am most thankful! —grateful husband
10. I am most thankful that Karen loves me as unconditionally as is humanly possible. In spite of my knucklehead ways at times, she still loves me and is loyal to me. —Dave Stuart
11. Unwilling to settle for mediocrity. My bride Cheryl sees me in a more positive way than I think of myself, and is constantly encouraging me to rise above the low bar that I might have otherwise settled for. —David Adair
12. There are many things I am thankful for about Anne. One of the things that keeps coming to my mind lately is her great love for, awe, and fear of God. When a person loves God like Anne does it has a huge impact on her having a teachable heart. When we are in conflict or disagreement she strongly pursues resolution.
Another result of loving God so strongly is a love for other people and a desire to serve them. Ask anybody … and they will tell you about Anne’s incredible gift of hospitality. This is just one of the qualities I thank God for in my wife. —David Newell
13. My wife, Karen, always goes to God FIRST. Whenever she is troubled, even when the “trouble” is caused by my selfish behavior or insensitivity to her needs, she first takes it to God and asks Him to check her motives, reveal her sin and show her what He wants her to learn. Only then does she express to me what she’s struggling with. It’s a great comfort to me that she seeks counsel first from the One who is perfect before she comes to her husband, who is imperfect. —Dennis Leake
14. I love how Jennifer is full of life and just fun to be around! God has filled her with a spirit of joy! I love to watch her jump on the trampoline and play the card game Nerts with our kids or with friends. Watching Jennifer have fun is what brings me joy! God has blessed me with a great example of the fruit of the spirit “Joy,” and I am truly “Thankful” for her as His gift to me! —Duane Abbott
15. I am so thankful for Cindy’s encouragement—day in and day out, through thick and thin. She reminds me often of joy found in encouragement from Philippines 2:1-2, “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” Her encouragement helps make me a strong and faithful leader.—Gary
16. I am most thankful for Rene’s fun-loving, child-like spirit and positive outlook on life. I just can’t imagine enjoying life more and I praise God for giving me the gift of a wife who is so upbeat, positive, fun, and life-giving. My life would be way too routine without her. She adds spark and spunk to our family! —Gene Haub
17. Her devoted and Rock-solid Faith. She loves to study God’s Word, align herself with His truth and put her faith in His sovereignty, no matter what we face. That has been beautifully evident as she faces very serious surgery and a possibility of cancer…her focus has been on God’s greatness, not our plight, on bringing Him glory, not getting what we want, and on concern for others who would be troubled by her illness, rather than being focused on herself. Her faith blesses me, our family and others she serves. —a grateful husband
18. I am most thankful for my wife Sarah because she follows God’s plan and allows me be the spiritual leader of our family. When it comes to big decision like finances or when opportunities have come which involved moving our family, Sarah has trusted my faith in God and that my decision will be the right one.
This has not been easy. She moved to Florida when she once said she would never want to live there. She also moved to Little Rock, leaving behind a daughter, other family and many friends only to start over again for the sixth time in a new geography. I am truly blessed to have such a loving and trusting wife. —Jerry Biuso
19. I am thankful for Trish’s constant question through the first 15 years of our marriage – “Why?”. God used this gentle and persistent question “Why?” to expose idols and motivations in my life. I thank God for Trish and the way He has used her to push me below the surface. —Keith Tully
20. The one thing about Bonnie that I am most thankful for is her dedication to doing things right. She has shown me that when you do things right it displays intentionality to preparation and seriousness. These things increase your reputation to others thus producing more trust and dependability. It overall shows your faithful and dedication to giving your best to God and your best to others. As a minister of God, I need this reminder and example everyday so that I can be as effective as possible in my service to God, to my family, to my church, to my employer, and to my friends. —Kevin Sterling
21. The one thing that comes to mind first, is the way she allows her faith in God, to transfer to faith in me, as her husband. When she expresses her faith in me, I sadly, often doubt it, because I tend to think her faith in me is based on me and my abilities, when in reality it’s because she knows who our God is. God uses her in my life to help me keep looking outside of myself and more at who our Heavenly Father is. —a grateful husband
22. I am most thankful for the grace Cyndi has given me. As grace indicates, there have been times when I didn’t necessarily deserve it, but Cyndi gave me unmerited favor by always thinking the best of me and of my intentions. She is quick to believe me and believe in me. That makes me want to be a better man than I am. She believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. She is my greatest cheerleader. I am blessed to have her by my side. —Mike Warren
23. I am thankful my wife, Nedra, loves the Lord! This love is shown through her faithfulness and self-discipline and has been a source of strength in many areas of our marriage and family. God knew just what I needed in a “help mate” when He brought us together! —Randy Sharp
24. I appreciate that Susie desires the very best for others—especially family members. Her actions and words are centered around the “happiness” of those she loves. She is tireless and quite creative and accommodating to accomplish her goal of everyone else being “happy.” Though there is a negative side to this passion (God alone is the source of our true “joy”; ingratitude from those she serves can wear away at her capacity to give), Susie puts others ahead of herself as a natural mindset and regularly sacrifices her own resources, time and energy to better serve others. Susie leads an adult Bible study, heads up a small group of 9th-grade girls, is a mentor to a 20-something and a 5th grader and loves spending time with her six grown children and two grandchildren—and her husband of 29-plus years—even if it means sitting through a Green Bay Packers football game on television or encouraging her four boys and husband as they play Ultimate Frisbee together. I am so blessed to have Susie as my wife. To God be the glory.—Rick Maupin
25. I am thankful that Kimberly said “Yes!” I so vividly remember the night, it had played out so perfect (long story). But at one point in the night I had her put together a puzzle that said “Will you marry me?” As she was starting to catch on to what was going on, I had already dropped to 1 knee. She very excitedly said “YES!” Best day ever! From that point forward I saw the gift that God was giving to me, just me. And she was willing to join in with that special plan. I would not want to do life with anyone else. And God said “it is good!! —Steve Sprout
26. I am thankful that I can count on Heather. I have never felt limited in pursuing the things of God in our family. When the time comes to go “off road,” I can count on Heather being ready. When I “miss it” and am about to drive us over the cliff, I can count on Heather sounding the alarm. Being able to count on Heather frees me to pursue the big dreams of our family. —Gene Muckleroy
27. My wife Ann is the perfect spouse: totally serious, concerned, gracious one moment then skipping around and running with children with total abandon….and she’s a 63-yr old retired teacher whose students from 40 years ago still keep in touch because of her tremendous positive impact on their lives! She teaches me how to be a better Christian every day….by example. RC Cline
We asked wives, “What is one thing you most appreciate about your husband this Thanksgiving?” Here are the replies we received by email.
1. Terry loves me no matter what my faults are. —Barbara Robinson
2. Well… to be honest… for quite a few years I wondered and struggled with how my husband could be so defective! It turns out we are both defective and we need each other to be complete! I am thankful that he and I are very different. If we thought the same thoughts and did things the same way, we would be redundant and would not need each other. It has taken me 25 years to truly appreciate this!!! —a grateful wife
3. David doesn’t hold grudges. … He has taught me that holding grudges is overrated and he’s right. — Elizabeth Wehman
4. One thing about my spouse, Glen, that I am most thankful for is his willingness to step up and be a true leader for our family. A man that is willing to say he is sorry, to help around the house, to engage with our children, to pick up the slack, to take on whatever responsibility is needed that day…even when he doesn’t feel like it. I feel very honored and cherished for this. —Shawn Solberg
5. I’m thankful that my spouse, Dave Ashford, listened to God when I wanted to throw in the towel and that we are now restored! And, I’m really thankful he kills the spiders for me (smile). —Sonya Helm
6. My husband is so very patient with me in so many ways. I know I try his patience with my clumsiness, my lack of common sense at times, and my endless headaches and stomach issues. He never complains about my health, never grows weary of fixing the things I break, and is always so helpful to explain why something I would like to do just can’t be done in the manner that I think it could be done. He truly undergirds me with his love and never ceases to amaze me with his endless patience.” —a grateful wife
7. Ed looks for ways to show how much he loves me. For example, tonight he came home from work, kissed me and kept walking out the back door to his rose garden. He cut me seven beautiful roses, arranged them in a vase, then presented them to me. Wow! —Cindy Hansberry
8. My husband, David, is SO helpful with our six children and the upkeep of our super busy house. He’ll change dirty diapers without any complaint, wash dishes by hand that don’t fit into the dishwasher and fold laundry for a whole football game! His acts of service show me how much he cherishes me. With six kids, I just can’t do it all. The beauty is that he knows that and jumps right into our fray. He is so awesome! I’m so thankful for the way he serves me and our family. —Cheryl Adair
9. Chris enjoys life and makes me laugh. —Tonya Larmoyeux
10. I’m thankful that my husband is willing to share his heart whenever and wherever God tells him to! After eight years of a rough marriage, largely due to an addiction to pornography, he never hesitates to be transparent when called and tell how he overcame an addiction to pornography. God has taken something awful and redeemed my husband and our marriage and is using us for His glory! —a grateful wife
11. I am MOST thankful that Bob loves me sacrificially (like Christ loves the Church – see Ephesians) – but I am VERY thankful that he can fix anything! —Debbie Anderson
12. I’m most thankful for my husband’s peacemaker heart. Trey always seeks me out for reconciliation when we’ve had an argument. I tend to want to hide myself away and stew in my anger, and I’m so thankful that God gave me a husband who doesn’t let me do that. He is an excellent example to me of someone who overlooks offenses, forgives quickly and readily, humbly apologizes, and doesn’t let bitterness take root. —Jayna Richardson
13. Benton works so hard to be a great provider and head of our household! —Carolyn Sarkozi Potts
14. I am so thankful for the way Wayne accepts and appreciates me. He is such a great listener and he encourages me to trust God and to use the gifts God has given me. He often tells me how pretty he thinks I am and how much he enjoys our home and my cooking. He is so quick to forgive and to wrap me in his arms of love! —Jeanie Smith
15. I’m most thankful for Bob’s desire to do God’s Will in all things. He isn’t always right (who of us are), but I know he is seeking God’s direction. I see him take time to pray, study his Bible, and listen to find out what God wants us to do. (Married 44 years this fall) —Judy Peterson
16. My husband believes the best about me. At times I’ve been in a rough spot with a good friend, feeling misunderstood. He has been my cheerleader. —a grateful wife
17. My husband, Micah, is often the voice of reason in our marriage. I go on wild flights of fantasy—plans for what we can buy, rooms we can remodel, parties we can throw, events we can host elaborate meals we can cook. He rarely discourages me from dreaming big, but he usually offers practical advice and asks hard hitting questions that bring me back to reality. When we first got married, I hated how he was always raining on my parade. But now that we have been married for nine years, I love how we can balance each other out. He can help me stay grounded and keep me from getting in over my head. In turn, I can help him spread his horizons a little. —Kate Wetsell
18. One thing I am so thankful for about Mickey, my husband, is the time he spends each morning in Bible study and prayer. He has such a humble and thankful heart attitude toward God. It really comforts and strengthens a wife’s faith when you know your husband is praying for you, his family, and himself to be all God wants you to be. It gives me confidence in his leadership because I know he is lifting up all of his decisions and concerns to God first. —Lynn Hargett
19. I am thankful for my spouse for so many reasons, but perhaps the one that stands out and undergirds all others is Kirk’s faith in God and his desire to be a man after God’s own heart. —Lynn
20. One thing I am thankful for is my husband’s steadfastness. Though his coolness drives me nuts at times, I am thankful that Bill doesn’t worry or get upset about life’s challenges. Worry seems to run in my family’s DNA but I have gotten so much better because of him. —Glenda
21. One thing I really appreciate about my husband, Doug, is that he has always worked to be sure that I develop as an individual in my walk with God, in my personal interests and in my career. I feel like he studies me like a jeweler looks at an uncut stone, to see what facets need to be brought to light, so that he can present me to God as the best I can possibly be. None of this is done in an overbearing or controlling way; he simply encourages me to take steps to grow and develop in all the areas of my life, and backs up that encouragement with sacrificial support. He was very intentional about helping me make the transition from full-time mom to empty-nester, so that I didn’t reach that stage without having an identity other than “mom.” As a result, I found that transition to be relatively smooth. I know I can trust him to continue to encourage me to develop as we grow older. —Carol Scarborough
22. I’m so thankful for Allen’s faithfulness – to God, to me and to our family! I appreciate how he stays calm in crisis. He brings peace to our family and is dependable in times of need. I am truly blessed! —Tammye Kurtz
23. I know that my husband, Bob, will be by my side no matter what happens in our life. Two years ago I had a cancer scare and complications after the surgery to remove it. My husband cried out to God by my bedside and reached out to other godly men to pray for me. It really showed me how much he relied on God for my healing and was not afraid to tell others we needed prayer. This has carried us through some difficult situations these past two years. He tells me all the time “I need you here with me.” —Pam Stelter
24. My husband, Charles, loves me so much. —Angie Arndt
25. His servant’s heart. Tom always puts everyone’s needs and wants before his own. —Janet Logan
26. Keith loves the Lord, he loves me, he’s intentional about our relationship, about parenting, and he makes me laugh. I have never had to worry that he was cheating on me or looking at pornography. —Suzanne Thomas
27. As a daughter with both parents suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, I am so thankful to have a husband who freely releases me for a week at a time to go care for my parents. He maintains our home and children’s schedules in my absence willingly, with a cheerful heart and that is a tremendous blessing to me and my family. —a grateful wife
28. That he is willing to continue to work on and grow in our marriage of 39 years! —a grateful wife
29. I’m thankful for the way my husband, Jim, looks at the “big picture” of life and weighs the long-term consequences of decisions. I tend to get bogged down with immediate situations and often want to take action instead of waiting on God. Over the years I’ve learned to trust my husband’s leadership and follow His dependence on the Lord. His example has taught me that what I can’t do, God can. —Mary May Larmoyeux
30. He listens. It may not always seem that way, but undoubtedly Lee always has time for me. After 22 years of marriage, I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. —Katie
31. I so appreciate Keith’s many kindnesses to me. Every day he picks me up for a date by knocking on the headboard of our bed, to which I reply, “Come in.” He tells me how much he loves me, loves my cooking and loves being married to me daily. He has wonderful big strong arms for many, many hugs throughout the day. He loves doing things for me. He forgives me quickly and excitedly. He loves talking on the phone with me. He is very fun and funny to be around. He makes me laugh. I love his tender heart for our Lord and for others. Even though I sometimes fight it…I love his leadership in our family. He will drop what he is doing to help me. He is very patient with me. I could go on…I am very blessed and thankful to the Lord for him. I love you Honey!!! —Connie
32. My husband has taught me how to love unconditionally. He has forgiven me for not honoring him with my speech when angry. I see him love difficult family members even though they have hurt him deeply. He continues to love me even though I am not the most organized person in the world! He has served our country for many years in the Army and is very organized. I know it is not easy for him to live around my “stuff” sometimes but instead of complaining he helps me! He even kept praying and believing for me when I ended our engagement. I’m so thankful the Lord answered his prayer for me to be his wife! —Tawona
33. I appreciate how patient and gentle my husband Greg is. God knew I needed a gentle heart. He is so kind and thoughtful of my feelings. I work in Pediatric Oncology and he takes such an interest in my work; he even plays Santa for my patients every year at Christmas. He is also the best Pappa to our grandbabies, and that has made me love him in a whole new way! He is still the best boyfriend after 36 years! —Krista
34. I’m thankful that my husband Scott is a hard worker, he can fix anything and he still wants to be with me. We just celebrated 17 yrs of marriage. —Angie
35. Roger is kind and gentle, non-judgmental and has always placed me and our kids first. Even as a business owner with two dozen plus employees, I never worry about his integrity or priorities. He is God’s perfect provision for me! —Leigh
36. I am most appreciative for my husband’s hard work and support for our family. He is a great father. I love him so much! —Shellie
37. I’m thankful for my husband Billy and his gentle kindred spirit. He has always been a wonderful provider and comforter to me through thick and thin. God gave me a wonderful gift when he gave him to me. His faith in God is growing every day and together with God’s help we can do anything. Dawn Skinner
38. About a year and a half ago our 20+ yr marriage was falling apart. We had grown cold and distant. My husband turned to my “friend” and began an emotional affair. Six weeks into it I caught him and confronted him. He has since repented and has worked double time to repair our marriage. It has been absolutely amazing to see how God used this “wake up call” to bring us both back to him and to each other. It has not been an easy road, but I am thankful for my husband’s choice to see his error and his willingness to do what it takes to repair and strengthen our relationship. Although the hurt is still there, we have a closeness now that we never had before. I am so thankful for the man he is becoming! I would like to encourage others to never give up hope!
39. I love my husband so much. I know that he is the one God made for me. John has taught me to never worry about anything, but to pray about everything. I am so thankful for that. He is the greatest husband, and a great Christian man. I love him so much! Ashley Johnson
40. Although I am not married yet, God has revealed to me who my husband will be. He has brought us together in numerous ways, allowing us the chance to get to know each other and learn to work together. It has already been the best relationship I have ever experienced, even though it doesn’t physically exist yet. The most favorable characteristic of my future husband is His sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Because if his close relationship to God, my husband is able to approach me and talk to me even in my worst of moods or toughest of battles, and shine a light on the situation in a way that pierces right through my stubbornness. This is an essential tool for a woman like me, who has a very strong, very opinionated, and very unpersuasive personality. I look forward to the marriage that lies ahead, and spending many grateful years together. I am thankful for the man he is now and the man he will be in the future. -an awaiting wife
What do your children really need from you? Love, guidance, shelter, food, clothing, medical care, and an education.
That’s it.
Everything else is a want, a luxury: video games, gadgets, phones, the latest fashion—whatever new item their friends have.
Today, far too many parents fall for the “nag factor.” They know their kids are bombarded by ads telling them to buy certain products and that many parents are buying those products for their children. They know the pressure that comes from their children’s peers, and so they buy their kids far more “stuff” than they can even use, all in the hope that their children will fit in and be accepted by their peers.
According to a recent survey of youth commissioned by the Center for a New American Dream, the average 12- to 17-year-old who asks a parent for products will ask nine times until the parents finally give in. For parents of tweens, the problem is particularly severe—more than 10 percent of 12- to 13-year-olds admit to asking their parents more than 50 times for products they’ve seen advertised. Kids have learned if they nag enough for long enough, parents will give in.
Parents, stop falling for the nag factor.
Refuse to overindulge your kids
Sadly, our self-absorbed society has told parents to help their kids feel good about themselves, that it’s the parents’ duty to make their children happy. But underneath it all, kids don’t need parents who make them happy. They need parents who will make them capable.
Dr. Connie Dawson, co-author of How Much Is Enough, writes:
When parents give children too much stuff that costs money, do things for children that they can do for themselves, do not expect children to do chores, do not have good rules, and let children run the family, parents are overindulging.
Here are some other signs of overindulgence. As you read them, watch for your weak spot:
1. Giving them things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests:
Allowing a 5-year-old to dress like a pop star.
Allowing a 12-year-old to watch an R-rated movie.
Removing curfew from a 16-year-old with a new driver’s license.
2. Giving things to meet the adult’s needs, not the child’s:
A mom buying her daughter the trendiest clothes, because Mom believes it’s a reflection on her own style.
A dad giving his son the “stand out” wheels at 16, so Dad’s friends—as well as his son’s friends—will think he’s “the man.”
A parent giving his or her children the best of the best in order to make the parent look successful.
3. Neglecting to teach children the life skills they need to survive in the “real” world beyond their home:
Tying shoes and dressing 4-year-olds who are perfectly capable of dressing themselves.
Doing the laundry for teenagers who are more than capable and need to learn to do it for themselves.
I admit that I slipped into overindulgence in raising my sons in more than one area. It’s important to realize the harm this can do to our children. According to one study conducted in 2001, children who are overindulged are more likely to grow up to believe the following:
It is difficult to be happy unless one looks good, is intelligent, rich, and creative.
My happiness depends on most people I know liking me.
If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a total failure.
I can’t be happy if I miss out on many of the good things in life.
Being alone leads to unhappiness.
If someone disagrees with me, it probably indicates that the person doesn’t like me.
My happiness depends more on other people than it depends on me.
If I fail at my work, I consider myself a failure as a person.
So, for the sake of your children, stop overindulging them.
Instead, teach them the difference between a need and a want, and then make them work for their wants. For instance, rather than buying that new video game for your children, give them two options: Tell them they can place it on a wish list for a birthday or Christmas present, or they can do extra duties to earn the money to buy it themselves. If your children are willing to work for their “heart’s desire,” they’ll take better care of it, be more grateful for it, and think long and hard before turning a “want” into a “need” in the future.
Repairing the damage of overindulgence
Parents, you can begin to remedy the damage done by overindulgence by doing two things:
1. Help your kids cultivate patience.The truth is parents often prevent their children from learning patience. We’ve gotten just as caught up in our fast-food society as anyone else. We’ve forgotten that real life problems aren’t solved in 15 minutes, that it takes time to find solutions to everyday struggles. We’re the ones who try to speed things up for our kids.
So don’t be so quick to solve your children’s problems for them. A bit of a struggle is good for them.
2. Give children opportunities to develop responsibility and to feel valuable. Your children need your help if they are going to learn necessary life skills. They need you to give them regular chores or duties and to hold them accountable for taking care of those duties. In so doing, you will help your children become adults, not just grown-ups.
All children will at times engage in a power struggle when it comes to carrying out chores or duties. But if parents give in and don’t assign age-appropriate duties for their children, their kids will grow up to be irresponsible, which is heartbreaking for the parent and tragic for the children. No matter the age of the child, any duties you assign them should encompass these purposes:
Helping your child learn life skills.
Helping your child become a valuable member of the family.
Helping your child become a valuable member of society.
By giving your children opportunities to help and serve each other within the family, you’re preparing them to take care of themselves and go out and serve society.
Now that I’ve asked you not to overindulge your kids with their wants, I want to encourage you to overindulge them with love, real love. Love that molds and shapes them into the young men and women they are meant to become. Patiently help them develop patience, and with persistence and persuasion give them age-appropriate responsibilities. As you do these things, you’ll be preparing their hearts and minds to accept the responsibilities God has planned for them.
It’s a scene that we’ve all witnessed and one that’s all too familiar to most moms: a screaming kid having a tantrum in the aisle of some store because he is not getting something that he wants and thinks he deserves. We all feel for the mom because we’ve been there before, and we all whisper a quick prayer of thanks that this time it isn’t our child having the fit.
Many of us, hoping to put a quick end to this embarrassing scene, cave and give our child what he wants, only to have him start the entire process over again in the next aisle. One thing I have learned after raising four children is that giving our children everything they want does not make them more grateful. Instead it makes them more demanding and ungrateful.
I encourage moms to look over the horizon and see the child that they hope to usher into the future and be willing to do the hard work necessary to build that child from the inside out with character.
A compassionate parent—one who is looking out beyond the immediate—knows that gratitude is a life skill that every child needs to learn. An ungrateful person is unpleasant to be around, never satisfied. She lives with an attitude of entitlement and disappointment; she is not a happy camper, in other words, and not likely to succeed in life, love, and work.
Although character building is a 24/7/365 task for us as parents, there are some seasons and events that are custom-made to teach character to our children. This season of Thanksgiving gives us ample opportunities to reinforce the development of gratitude as a vital part of our children’s character.
Below are 10 ways to build gratitude into our children’s hearts:
1.Start with God. Make sure your children are reminded daily through words and actions that God is the giver of all good gifts. Without a lot of piety but with lots of sincerity, let your kids see you praising God for His daily provision.
2.Lead the way. Express your gratitude to your spouse and your children frequently. Make it a natural part of your conversation to point out the actions, attitudes, and attributes you have observed in them for which you are grateful. You are priming the pump with your children when they know you are grateful for them.
3.Stop your grumbling. Our children not only learn gratitude from us, they learn how to complain and whine from our example as well. The next time you’re tempted to gripe about your circumstances, take stock and have an attitude adjustment.
4.Less is more. Remember that indulging children only makes them less grateful for what they have. Next time you’re tempted to give them more just to keep them happy, stop and help them be happy with what they have.
5.Learn to say no. Our children have the same human nature that all of us are born with, and left unchecked, it will consume them. Don’t be afraid to put a limit on how much stuff they have or how many things they get to do. When you say no to some things, it makes your children notice and be grateful for those times when you say yes.
6. Teach them the value of what they have. One of the best ways to do this is to have them earn the next “want” that they have. When a child actually has to work for the money or privilege to satisfy a “have to have,” he or she will be much more appreciative of its value.
7.Help your children express their gratitude. Make sure you’re training your children to honor those who are serving them—their Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, piano teachers, coaches, and school teachers. Help them bake cookies or frame a special photo for them as a way of saying, “Thanks for all you do for me.”
8.Let them see the other side. Many times our kids are ungrateful because they have no idea how blessed they are compared to most of the world. Make serving others who are less fortunate a lifestyle. My husband, Tim, says in his book, Raising Kids for True Greatness, that the antidote to spoiled, rebellious kids is getting them out of their “me” world and into the world of others.
9.Count your blessings. Whenever possible, have your children recount the many ways God has provided for them that day. Before grace is said at the table, have everyone chime in with their latest blessings. And before evening prayers, review the day with your children as you remind them of God’s many blessings to them. Then encourage them to speak their thanks to God before they drift off to sleep.
10.Be patient. Your children’s natural propensity is to focus on what they want and not what they have. Any character trait takes time and practice to become a habit.
Character building is hard work, but it pays off big time in the lives of our children and in our future relationship with them. Remember to pray for your children and continue to model gratitude in your own life. Someday, they may surprise you with an unprompted “thank you.” When they do, try not to fall off your chair!
The period of Thanksgiving through Christmas can be a busy, frantic season full of shopping, parties, baking, gift-wrapping, recitals, and get-togethers. While these activities can all be memorable and special, it’s important that we not lose sight of what’s most important during the holidays: giving God thanks, celebrating the birth of our Savior, and savoring the moments and memories.
Here are three ways to help you streamline your life and responsibilities so you can enjoy the holiday season more this year:
1. Pare down your gift-giving.
Evaluate your gift list: Do you really need to give a gift to your uncle’s neighbor’s dog? I’m pretty sure Fido will survive just fine without another fancy chew toy, so save your money and use it to buy gifts for those you really care about or want to bless.
Creating limits for how many gifts you buy helps to simplify things. I know some families who give their children three gifts in three different categories (such as: something to wear, something to read, and something fun).
Our family doesn’t have specific limits or categories for what we give our children, but we’ve opted to just keep it to a few really meaningful gifts for each child. This allows us to really savor each gift as it’s opened, instead of being overwhelmed by a massive pile of presents.
2. Prioritize.
If you want to have a stress-free and simple season, you aren’t going to be able to do everything. Take 15 minutes sometime in the next few days to sit down and write out what the important things are for you and your family between now and the end of the year.
Each person’s list is going to look different—and that’s perfectly okay. Maybe you love to make homemade gifts but you really couldn’t care less about sending out cards. Perhaps you want to volunteer your time to bless those who are less fortunate but you really don’t have any desire to attend a lot of parties with people you don’t know very well. Or, you really want to do fun and meaningful activities with your children but you really don’t enjoy baking at all. Know what you want to invest your time and effort into this holiday season, then say no to opportunities and invitations that aren’t in line with your priorities.
We’ve found that it’s highly beneficial and fun to create a Family Bucket List of Activities for the holidays—with each family member getting to choose a few activities they really want to do. We type this list up and then divvy up the activities throughout the season. This guarantees that we do things that everyone in the family enjoys and also helps us to be intentional about creating memories.
3. Plan ahead.
After you’ve decided upon your priorities for this holiday season, it’s time to make a game plan. Look at your calendar and commitments for the next few weeks and think of everything you can do to prepare ahead of time so you’re not scrambling at the last minute.
Make sugar cookie dough ahead of time and freeze it so it’s ready for that cookie-decorating party or to give to your neighbors. Go ahead and buy all of the necessary items to make the goody baskets for the homeless shelter. Buy or make hostess gifts to have on hand for last-minute party invitations. Check your closet to make sure you have outfits for the holiday parties you’ll be attending. Finish your shopping early and avoid the mad rush of crowds and traffic the final few days before Christmas.
The more you pare down, prioritize, and plan ahead, the more you’ll be able to relax and soak in all the memories and moments of the holidays—and focus on celebrating the reason for the season. And that’s what will really matter long after the elaborate decorations, fancy parties, and expensive gifts are forgotten.
Take a moment and reflect on the question. What is your answer?
Now, answer the question from several different angles:
Would your spouse (if applicable) say you are successful? Would your children (if applicable) say you are successful? What would your closest friends say? Your associates at work? Your body? Your conscience? What would God say?
Your perspective can dramatically change your answer, can’t it?
Maybe you’re wondering whether or not you should be interested in success. After all, Christians ought not pursue success, ought they? We need to focus on being faithful, not successful. Right?
Well, yes and no. We definitely are to be faithful to all that God asks. But, success is God’s idea. He wants you to be fruitful, productive, effective, blessed, and successful.
Look at Joshua 1:8 (NASB): ” ‘This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.’ ” (italics added)
Psalm 1 (NASB) says:
” … in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season …
And in whatever he does, he prospers.” (italics added)
And, the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 each begin with “blessed,” the most universal concept for success throughout the entire Bible. God wants you to be blessed and successful.
But, He wants you to succeed His way.
Now, let’s review what success isn’t, and then let’s look at what it is.
What success is NOT …
How does the culture define success? I ask my audiences to answer that question in the seminars I do in the Christian and general marketplace arenas, and I always get the same answers. I call them the five p’s: power, position, prestige, pleasure, and prosperity.
The culture (anti-God world system) pushes these. Advertisers tantalize us with the possibility of their attainment. The media glamorizes the results of having them.
Now, don’t get me wrong. These aren’t bad things. I’d rather you have money (normally) than not have it. But, they are not the ultimate or even major measurements of success according to God’s standards. And, they won’t make you happy. They won’t.
Listen to the pathos in the comments of these famous millionaires:
John D. Rockefeller: “I have made many millions but they have brought me no happiness.”
William Henry Vanderbilt: “The care of two hundred million is enough to kill anyone. There’s no pleasure in it.”
John Jacob Astor: “I am the most miserable man on the earth.”
Henry Ford: “I was happier when doing a mechanic’s job.”
Andrew Carnegie: “Millionaires seldom smile.”
Perhaps it’s all summed up by this commentary from Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the great Russian intellect: “We always pay dearly for chasing after what is cheap.”
Glenn Bland, in his book Success (published fifteen years ago), gives the best example I’ve ever seen of the importance of priorities. It shows vividly that success and money alone can’t buy happiness and peace of mind.
Bland tells of a meeting in 1923 of the world’s most successful financiers held at Chicago’s Edgewater Beach Hotel. In terms of money, these financial giants almost literally ruled the world. Look at their names and positions:
Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company in America; Samuel Insull, president of the largest utility company; Howard Hopson, president of the largest gas company; Arthur Cutten, the great wheat speculator; Richard Whitney, president of the New York Stock Exchange; Albert Fall, Secretary of the Interior in President Harding’s cabinet; Jesse Livermore, the great “bear” on Wall Street; Ivan Krueger, head of the world’s greatest monopoly; and Leon Fraser, president of the Bank of International Settlements.
These men were “movers and shakers,” the kind many people envy and wish to be like. Yet something went terribly wrong with these men’s lives. Twenty-five years later:
Charles Schwab went bankrupt.
Samuel Insull died in a foreign land, penniless and a fugitive from justice.
Howard Hopson was insane.
Arthur Cutten was insolvent and died abroad.
Richard Whitney had just been released from Sing Sing prison.
Albert Fall had just been pardoned from prison and died at home, broke.
Jesse Livermore committed suicide.
Ivan Krueger committed suicide.
Leon Fraser committed suicide.
Certainly, material success typified by the five p’s doesn’t necessarily result in devastation. In fact, power, position, prestige, pleasure, and prosperity are rather amoral-neither good nor bad from a moral position. It’s the use or abuse of these that determines the outcome.
The January 28, 1960, issue of The Washington Post records a letter from John Steinbeck to Adlai Stevenson. In the letter he says, “A strange species we are. We can stand anything God and nature throw at us save only plenty. If I wanted to destroy a nation, I would give it too much and I would have it on its knees: miserable, greedy, and sick.”
What success is …
In my research of hundreds of top leaders around the world, I have asked the question: At the end of your life, how will you know you’ve succeeded? These men and women answered:
“It’s important how my kids turned out.”
“Did I live a personally rich and fulfilling life?”
“Did I positively change lives?”
“Did I build meaningful and deep relationships?”
“Did I really love my spouse?”
“Did I make a difference?”
What about you? What is your concept of success? Have you deliberately developed it or has it simply evolved through the influence of the culture around you? And, is it the right concept of success?
If you are now not so sure, I want to suggest to you a new way of looking at success. Move away from thinking of success as power, prosperity, position, pleasure, or prestige and begin building a definition of success around real values. What are the things that really count the most in your life? Think about it. How do you want people to remember you when you die? What will really count?
Biblical success, I believe, is the progressive realization and internalization of all that God wants me to be and do.
Let’s look at each component of this definition of success. First, note that success from God’s perspective is progressive. It is not static and it does not deal just with the results. Success deals with the process … the journey.
God makes it clear that He wants you and me to focus on the roots in our lives, not just the fruit. Let God take care of the results while you focus on doing the right things. You work on what you can control-like your attitude, your obedience, your thoughts, your words-and let God produce what He will.
If you don’t do this, you will have a tendency to “fake it.” You’ll put your focus on how you appear outwardly versus cultivating who you are internally. Remember, God hates a pretext to perfection. He deeply desires your progression into His likeness.
There’s a difference between progressing and pretending to progress. In Authentic Christianity, Ray Stedman notes how easy it is to make others believe you are spiritually mature. “It is possible [for the Christian] to avoid the pain and humiliation of repentance and renewal by maintaining an outward facade of spiritual commitment, moral impeccability, and orthodox behavior. In doing so, he can preserve a reputation for spiritual growth and maturity that is satisfying to the ego and seems to gain much in the way of opportunity for service and the commendation of the Christian community.”
Next, success requires a realization of God’s desires for me. We gain this understanding through God’s Word. We must not only hear it but study it and meditate upon it. Are you in the Word daily? Are you letting to God’s Holy Spirit teach you through the Bible, circumstances, prayer, and others in your life? This is the beginning place to growth. What you imbibe and focus on mentally will determine the outcome of your life.
Remember this maxim:
“Sow a thought and reap an act.
Sow an act and reap a habit.
Sow a habit and reap a character.
Sow a character and reap a destiny.”
Next, we must internalize truth and apply it to our lives. A successful person not only hears the Word of God, but also acts upon it. You may have laudable intentions, but the key issue is your behavior.
We must progressively apply all of God’s revealed truth to our lives. In a real sense Jesus is Lord of all known areas of your life or not Lord at all. He will not make you a success if you try to hold back areas from His control.
Biblical success involves all that God wants me to be and do. We must be progressing in our godly character and conduct. If you are godly in the truest sense of the word, what you do will glorify God, for it will be a natural product of your character. God has placed all Christians here to share their faith, lead the lost to Christ, help other Christians mature in their faith, and to influence society as light and salt.
Finally, success involves knowing God. When we are with God in heaven, perhaps we will see clearly how fundamental knowing Him is. In Philippians 3, Paul recalls what he had once perceived as success: his heritage, his advancement, his reputation. But, then in verse 8, he distinguishes true success. Paul says, ” … I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ” (NASB).
Editor’s Note: During a FamilyLife Today broadcast, “Love to Eat, Hate to Eat,” guest Elyse Fitzpatrick addressed the bondage women face with destructive eating habits. During their discussion, Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine offered a 12-point list to help you determine whether or not your eating is sinful. The list is found below.
I have listed 12 questions you can ask yourself in order to determine whether your eating is sinful or not. To help you remember these points, I’ve developed the acrostic “D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E-D Eating.” You’ll want to memorize this acrostic so that you can get in the habit of thinking about it regularly.
As you consider the following, some of the answers will be obvious. Others will take some time and careful thought. Stop now and prayerfully ask God to help you as you think about how to make your eating habits more pleasing to Him.
1. Doubt: Do I doubt (for whatever reason) that I can eat this food without sinning? Once again, it may not be sinful for you to eat a brownie per se, but if you believe that it is sin for you to do so, you must not do it. Now, you can seek to grow in your understanding of Scripture and strengthen your conscience, but until you can sincerely say, “This isn’t sinful for me any longer,” you had better abstain. The apostle Paul affirms this in Romans 14:23, where he said, “He who doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and whatever is not from faith is sin.”
2. Idolatry: Does eating this particular food demonstrate a heart either of independence—“I can do whatever I want”—or a heart longing for pleasure—“I know that I don’t need this for my sustenance, but I love the feeling of the sweet coldness”? It is important to ask yourself whether you are eating because you’re hungry and you need nourishment or if you are eating for reasons that, ultimately, are idolatrous. Let me remind you that an idol is anything (inherently good or evil) that draws your affections away from God. You can judge whether you’re worshiping an idol if you are willing to sin (in any way) to serve it. You can also judge whether you are worshiping an idol by observing the streams that flow from your life when you are pursuing your desire. For instance, if you are damaging your health or acting in ungodly ways (such as spending too much money, being irritable or unkind, seeking your own will), then you are probably serving another god. Remember that the first and foremost command of all is, “You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:3).
3. Stumble: If I eat this, will it cause a weaker Christian to stumble? For instance, if I know that my friend will go on a binge or compromise her beliefs if I give her a piece of candy, or even eat one in front of her, then I should not do so. It’s not that you should have an oversensitive conscience, saying that a piece of candy is sinful for you. No, the sin would come from the fact that you don’t love your sister enough to forgo what, for you, is legitimate so that she won’t sin. “It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles” (Romans 14:21).
4. Coveting: Am I eating this just because I saw someone else with it and I’m coveting it? This is one place where TV commercials—especially those for fast food—cause many people to sin. These commercials are written expressly to cause you to covet what you see someone eating. Don’t forget—your eyes are a powerful channel for temptation. Observe the way that Eve was tempted in the Garden of Eden: “When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate” (Genesis 3:6, emphasis added). She saw the fruit; she thought it looked good; she ate it. Satan is still operating in the same way today. The media is a convenient tool for stirring up discontent with our own circumstances. Discontent springs out of a heart that is coveting what someone else has. Scripture, however, says, “You shall not covet … anything that belongs to your neighbor” (Exodus 20:17).
5. Inroad: If I eat this, will it create an inroad for sin? For instance, I know that whenever I eat chocolate it opens a door for me to desire more and more and I end up eating a lot of candy over a number of days—much more than I should for good health. Chocolate also contains caffeine, which I’ve eliminated from my diet. So, because of my weakness in this area, and for the sake of better health, it is best if I abstain from chocolate altogether. Since there is no command to eat chocolate, and I don’t have to have it to maintain health or to demonstrate thankfulness for God’s provision, I can abstain in good conscience.
Here are some additional scenarios: Is there any particular restaurant that you frequent where you spend more money than is prudent, eat too much food, or where you are usually very demanding with the staff? If you make that bowl of popcorn, will you then sit down in front of the television and waste time? If you eat one chip, will it create a desire in you to overindulge in chips or other salty, oily foods? Even if it isn’t sinful for you to eat a particular food, or even if that food is not prohibited by your diet, you shouldn’t eat it if it is a door to other sins. Rather, “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts” (Romans 13:14).
6. Praise: Can I eat this food with thanks and gratitude? Is my heart overflowing with songs of praise to Him? Can I eat this with a truly thankful heart, or will I be eating in the face of God, with an attitude that says, “I’m going to eat this even though I know that it’s wrong! I don’t care about You and Your commands! You aren’t giving me what I want, so I’ll just eat this (or starve myself).” If you are unable to sincerely thank God for what you are about to eat, then you shouldn’t eat it.
On the other hand, we must not exercise such scruples that we turn our noses up at what God has called “good”—the food that He has created. God’s creation is to be used and enjoyed by His children, and when we receive it with thankful prayer and with minds that are informed by Scripture, He blesses it to us and nourishes us by it. Consider how the psalmist describes the Lord’s delight in giving you food to eat: “He causes the grass to grow for the cattle, and vegetation for the labor of man, so that he may bring forth food from the earth, and wine which makes man’s heart glad, so that he may make his face glisten with oil, and food which sustains man’s heart” (Psalm 104:14-15). This is a particularly important point for those who look at food as being bad or evil. “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected, if it is received with gratitude” (1 Timothy 4:4).
7. Life: Would eating this food harm my health in any way? For instance, eating prime rib when I have high cholesterol; eating too much sugar if I have blood sugar problems (i.e., hypoglycemia or diabetes); eating high-calorie food or too much low-calorie food even though I am obese; and starving myself, abusing laxatives, or over-exercising are all practices that will lessen my strength to do God’s work and will decrease the quality of my life.
God holds your life’s span in His hand, but you must not be presumptuous with Him and say, “Oh well, God will take care of me.” It is true that God cares for His children, but He also gives you intelligence that you must use as well. Each person must eat what, for him or her, is a healthy diet. For some, this might mean frequenting the health food store and taking herbs and eating all-natural food. For others, this might mean being more careful about avoiding foods high in fat or calories, or adhering to eating nutritionally balanced diets. The decision is yours, and you just want to make sure that you’re not compromising your personal belief system or conscience. Remember, God has given you a grave responsibility to care for your body; for you to do otherwise is sinful. “Thou shalt not murder” (Exodus 20:13 KJV).
8. Illustrate: Am I modeling good eating habits for others and encouraging them to be self-disciplined, or do I encourage others to self-indulge? Am I illustrating what it means to be a temperate, joyful, free believer? What kinds of behaviors am I teaching my fellow family members? Do I tell them to serve God with all their heart and then show them that I serve food instead? People are watching, and although it’s wrong to impress others so that they will think you’re great, it’s not wrong to be careful about maintaining a godly lifestyle for the sake of our witness to others; “…show yourself an illustration of those who believe” (1 Timothy 4:12).
9. No: Am I able to say no to this even if I know that I can eat it without sin? From time to time it’s beneficial just to say no to your desires even if you are physically hungry for some particular food. This is one place where proper fasting comes in. I must keep reminding myself that satisfying every whim of my body is self-serving, even if I do have Christian liberty. I relish my liberty in Christ, but I must keep my bodily desires in submission to my heart’s desire to please God. “I buffet my body and make it my slave, lest possibly, after I have preached to others, I myself should be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:27).
10. Emotions: Does the desire to eat this flow out of a heart of anger, fear, frustration, or depression? Anger says, “I’ll show you … I’ll eat this candy bar and you’ll be sorry!” Fear says, “I may never have the opportunity to eat this again!” or “I might not be strong enough to do everything I have to do.” Frustration says, “I worked hard today and I deserve this!” And depression says, “I’m so bummed out, I’m just going to eat this—who cares anyway?” If you give in to the desire to eat because you are sinfully angry, fearful, worried, frustrated, or depressed, that sin will end up taking mastery of you. “If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it” (Genesis 4:7).
11. Distract: Will preparing or eating this food distract me from something better that God has for me to do? For instance, would I do better by ministering to the Lord or my guests rather than spending excessive amounts of time cooking some elaborate meal and being frustrated that others aren’t as impressed about my cooking as I am? (Does it really matter if the gravy is lumpy? Will anyone remember that you spent hours cooking, or will they remember that you loved them and spent time ministering to them in conversation, prayer, and fellowship?) Will I sin by going out to lunch and being more concerned that the waiter gets my order right and then so relishing the eating of the food that I ignore the fact that there is someone across the table to whom I could minister?
I’m sure you know about Lazarus’ sisters, Martha and Mary. Martha had a problem with distraction. She was busy preparing a meal for Jesus, who was their guest, and she was frustrated that Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet rather than helping her. She complained to the Lord and He put the whole thing in perspective: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so may things; but only a few things are necessary, really only one, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41-42).
12. Enslaved: Does it bring me under any kind of bondage? For instance, caffeine has a powerfully enslaving effect and you may need to question whether it is right for you to bring yourself under its bondage. What would happen to your Christian witness if you didn’t get your shot in the morning? Would you continue to be filled with thanksgiving and praise? There are other things that can enslave us, such as donuts every morning or popcorn every night. In fact, almost anything can enslave us. If we find that we just have to have such-and-such every day, that would be a good time to practice abstinence until you know that you have mastered this desire. If you practice habits of bulimia, you must ask yourself whether this food is something that has habitually led to a binge. If you battle anorexia, you will need to ask whether eating this will entice you to starve yourself or over-exercise tomorrow. You may have the Christian liberty to eat this food, but is it profitable? Will you be mastered by it? “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
You may be thinking there’s no way that you’ll be able to remember all these words. But if you ask for God’s help and start right now, you can do it. Start now by writing out the letters D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E-D Eating and see how many you can guess correctly.
With consistent effort, in little time I’m sure you’ll be able to remember the words. Once you remember the words, you could also memorize the Scripture verses that accompany each one. Then, when you are tempted to eat sinfully, you can fight the temptation with Scripture, just as Jesus did.
Lisa and I had been working together on her habitual anorexia for a few weeks. After looking over her menu from the week before, on which she indicated that she had not eaten more than 200 calories on any of the days, I asked her why she was continuing to starve herself. This was her answer: “If I start eating, I might gain weight!”
“Yes, and then what would happen?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t look good!” she replied.
“And then what?”
“I don’t know, but it scares me to death!” exclaimed Lisa. “What would happen to me if I gained weight? What if I ended up looking like my mom? I can’t imagine myself looking like that.”
“Do you care about what others think of how you look?” I asked.
“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s me. I just can’t stand the thought of becoming fat!”
The beautiful people
Our culture today has influenced many women to see themselves solely in the context of how they look. We are continuously bombarded by image after image of seemingly perfect women with perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect figures. And because we live in a time when we are connected technologically with the entire world, we are not merely competing with one or two women from our own village. We feel that we are compelled to compete with the most beautiful women in the entire world!
Why are so many women driven to compete with one another in this way? Why would Lisa starve herself and then exercise to the point of collapse? Why do thousands of men and women spend billions of dollars every year just to look good?
Our world’s obsession with outward appearance and weight has led many of us to think in shallow terms about what makes for peace and joy. “If I could just wear a size 8 (or if my hips weren’t so big, or if I had a smaller waist, or … ), I know I would be content, successful, or happy.” As silly as that sounds, I know that many women subconsciously think that way. I confess that I have thought that way. (As if there isn’t an unhappy size 8 woman anywhere in the world!) We believe the lie that outward perfection (which, by the way, is an impossible goal) is the key to inner peace and joy. Or perhaps we are duped into thinking that the false happiness and contentment that comes from being satisfied with the image we see in the mirror is the true peace and contentment that we are seeking from our relationship with God. We seek after lesser joys.
Trying to avoid the inevitable
Among unbelievers and particularly those who set the styles, is this worship of youth and beauty just one more reaction against the inevitability of death? The truth is that those who don’t know Christ are charging full-speed ahead to a terrifying and inevitable end. Could it be that this worship of youth and beauty is a welcome deception as they seek to forestall the inevitable for as long as possible, fooling themselves into believing that they are immortal—that they are always young?
The Christian, however, should have a different perspective. Death is not to be feared. It is to be welcomed because its sting—fear of the punishment of eternal separation from God because of judgment for sin—has been removed. In fact, Paul teaches that in death this body of ours, this old tent, will be torn down and clothed with life. He says in 2 Corinthians 5, “We know that if the earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens … . For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed, but to be clothed, in order that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life” (verses 1, 4). Only then, as we shine with His perfect life, will we know true, lasting beauty reflecting the glory of the King of heaven.
Living in Southern California, I love to watch the sunset over the Pacific Ocean. Sometimes when it appears that there might be an especially nice sunset, my husband will drive me down to the beach in the late afternoon. We’ll sit on the grass for an hour or so and observe God’s handiwork in motion. I’ve found that a few clouds make for the most beautiful sunsets. As the sun sinks down on the horizon, it shoots out golden beams of light that make the clouds look iridescent. The effect is spellbinding as scarlet, amber, pink, lavender, and golden skies shine down on a sparkling blue-green sea. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. When I see these spectacular displays, I am reminded that this earth (as magnificent as it sometimes may be) is only a vague shadow of the beauty of heaven. How beyond expression must the grandeur and excellence of heaven be! We will be clothed with life straight from God’s throne! We will shine with more beauty than the most exquisite sunset! Are we seeking to prepare ourselves for God’s dressing room, or are we consumed with the meager rags of this earth?
No biblical command to be thin
Now, I’m going to say something that may seem rather surprising. You know, I’ve read the Bible straight through many times, and I’ve never found any Scripture that commands or even commends thinness! Think of that. I don’t believe that there is any verse in either the Old or New Testament that encourages Christians to be thin or states that being thin is a mark of godliness.
An eternal makeover
The kind of beauty that God desires for you is found in 1 Peter 3:4: “… the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit.” It is called the “fruit of the Spirit” (the results of the Holy Spirit’s work in your life) in Galatians 5:22-23: “love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” The excellent woman in Proverbs 31 is known for her industry, wisdom, strength, confidence, generosity, courage, knowledge, optimism, and kindness. Since we’ve already looked at the beginning of verse 30, let’s see the way the verse ends: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” The fear of the Lord is a defining characteristic of a godly woman. A woman who fears the Lord will be growing in all of the qualities listed above. But what does it mean to “fear” God?
Charles Spurgeon taught the true meaning of this concept when he preached in London more than 100 years ago:
Blessed is the man whose heart is filled with that holy fear which inclines his steps in the way of God’s commandments, inclines his heart to seek after God, and inclines his whole soul to enter into fellowship with God, that he may be acquainted with Him, and be at peace. What is this fear of God? I answer, first, it is a sense of awe of His greatness. Have you never felt this sacred awe stealing insensibly over your spirit, hushing, and calming you, and bowing you down before the Lord? It will come, sometimes, in the consideration of the great works of nature. Gazing upon the vast expanse of waters—looking up to the innumerable stars, examining the wing of an insect, and seeing there the matchless skill of God displayed in the minute; or standing in a thunderstorm, watching, as best you can, the flashes of lightning, and listening to the thunder of Jehovah’s voice, have you not often shrunk into yourself, and said, “Great God, how terrible art Thou!”—not afraid, but full of delight like a child who rejoices to see his father’s wealth, his father’s wisdom, his father’s power—happy and at home, but feeling oh, so little! We are less than nothing, we are all but annihilated in the presence of the great eternal, infinite, invisible All-in-all (emphasis added).
Remember what the Lord Jesus taught: “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness…” (Matthew 6:33). Then, let that encouragement spur you on to the pursuit of the inner, godly characteristics that He desires for you. Remember that He is in the process of changing you—a process that will find its completion when you are beautifully robed in His glory in heaven. Don’t settle for a mere 15-pound weight loss or even the good but temporary establishment of healthy eating habits. Submit yourself to His work in your life—rejoice in it like a “child who rejoices to see his father’s wealth, his father’s wisdom, his father’s power”!
Shortly after my wife and I married, we went with my parents to Kenya for a brief missionary effort. My parents continued to lead an annual trip to Kenya for about 17 years, coordinating volunteers’ mission efforts in East Africa. I will never forget going on safari in the Masai Mara and seeing animals in the wild: lions, cheetahs, giraffes, and hundreds of other wild animals Americans can only see in a zoo.
But what I remember most distinctly was the radical change in culture that we experienced. Clothing was different, social customs seemed odd, the economy and systems of government were unknown to us—we even had to learn to drive on the left side of the road. Despite all these shifts in customs, ritual behaviors, and rules of conduct, we learned to adapt quite quickly.
Because my parents returned to Kenya year after year, the changes grew more predictable for them and, therefore, were not as traumatic as our first trip together. But they always experienced an adjustment period when traveling between countries. One year my father returned to the U.S. and began driving on the left side of the road. The oncoming traffic abruptly reminded him of the change in driving system!
You can see the parallel with children living in two homes because their parents are divorced. At first, the fact that the two countries have different rules, customs, and expectations may require an extended adjustment. Later, when the territory is familiar, only a brief adjustment time is required, especially when the rules and expectations are predictable. Sometimes children need gentle reminders from their parents about what the rules are (“You may be able to play before homework at your mom’s house, but here the rule is …”).
Can you imagine what travel for my parents would have been like if Kenya and the United States had been at war? Getting on a plane and heading to the “other side,” even to do mission work, would have been considered treason. And once they landed, they would have been met with anger and rage as co-workers protested how awful the other country was because of their wartime tactics.
How would my parents function under that kind of stress? How would they cope with the external pressures to choose an allegiance to one side or the other? Every comment and criticism would be loaded with a battle for their loyalty, and trust would be defeated at every turn.
And what if they decided to be ambassadors between the warring governments—would they have a voice? Depending on how suspicious the governments were and how convinced they were that the other side would never change, their attempts to bring peace would likely fail. What a losing position to be caught in.
An old African proverb says, “When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.” Divorced biological parents who fight and refuse to cooperate are trampling on their most prized possession—their children. Elephants at war are totally unaware of what is happening to the grass, for they are far too consumed with the battle at hand. Little do they know how much damage is being done.
1. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. Agree that each parent has a right to privacy, and do not intrude in his or her life. Make space for different parenting styles and rules, as there are many healthy ways to raise children. Do not demean the other’s living circumstances, activities, dates, or decisions; give up the need to control your ex’s parenting style. If you have concerns, speak directly to the other parent.
2. Schedule a regular (weekly to monthly) “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters. You can address schedules, academic reports, behavioral training, and spiritual development. Do not discuss your personal life (or your ex’s); that part of your relationship is no longer appropriate. If the conversation turns away from the children, simply redirect the topic or politely end the meeting. If you cannot talk with your ex face-to-face due to conflict, use e-mail or speak to his or her voicemail. Do what you can to make your meetings productive for the children.
3. Never ask your children to be spies or tattletales on the other home. This places them in a loyalty bind that brings great emotional distress. In fact, be happy when your kids enjoy the people in their new home. (“I’m glad you enjoy fishing with your stepdad.”) If children offer information about life in the other home, listen and stay neutral in your judgment.
4. When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them to explore their feelings without trying to sway their opinions with your own. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones.
5. Children should have everything they need in each home. Don’t make them bring basic necessities back and forth. Special items, like clothes or a comforting teddy bear, can move back and forth as needed.
6. Try to release your hostility toward the other parent so that the children can’t take advantage of your hard feelings. Manipulation is much easier when ex-spouses don’t cooperate.
7. Do not disappoint your children with broken promises or by being unreliable. Do what you say, keep your visitation schedule as agreed, and stay active in their lives.
8. Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement. Update the other when changes need to be made to the visitation schedule. Also, inform the other parent of any change in job, living arrangements, etc., that may require an adjustment by the children.
9. If you plan to hire a babysitter for more than four hours while the children are in your home, give the other parent first rights to that time.
10. Suggest that younger children take a favorite toy or game as a transitional object. This can help them make the transition and feel more comfortable in the other home.
11. Regarding children who visit for short periods of time or spend time in another home:
Sometimes it is tempting to only do “special activities” when all of the children are with you for fear that some children may feel that they aren’t as special as others. Do special things with differing combinations of children (it’s all right if someone feels disappointed he or she wasn’t able to go).
When other children come for visitation, let the lives of those living with you remain unaltered as much as possible.
Keep toys and possessions in a private spot, where they are not to be touched or borrowed unless the owner gives permission (even while they are in the other home).
12. Help children adjust when going to the other home:
If the children will go on vacation while in the other home, find out what’s on the agenda. You can help your kids pack special items and needed clothing.
Provide the other home with information regarding your child’s changes. A switch in preferences (regarding music, clothes, hair styles, foods, etc.) or physical/cognitive/emotional developments can be significant. Let the other home know what is different before the child arrives.
When receiving children, give them time to unpack, relax, and settle in. Try not to overwhelm them at first with plans, rules, or even special treatment. Let them work their way in at their own pace.
13. If you and your ex cannot resolve a problem or change in custody or visitation, agree to problem-solving through mediation rather than litigation.
There are a few unwritten codes of conduct common among most families. One is that family members don’t share unflattering or personal information with outsiders. You don’t talk about dad’s bathroom habits; you don’t post a picture of mom’s morning hair on Instagram; and you don’t use one another’s vulnerabilities as fodder for gossip with the neighbors.
It really is interesting when you think about it; this “rule” isn’t written anywhere, but most of us abide by it.
Most of us.
What do you do if a child in a stepfamily is telling secrets … in the other home?
Inside betrayal
Sometimes children are like an “inside man” who carries embarrassing or unwanted information. For example, Sherry wrote to me about her 11-year-old stepson. “It has come to my attention,” she said, “that he is going back to his mom’s house after every visit telling her the ins and outs of our marriage and arguments. We have a good marriage, but we argue like any couple. We try not to do it in front of the children, but it is not always possible. She throws the information back in our face. I feel like there is a spy in my own home.”
Every dilemma like this begs the question, “Why does he do this?” There are many possible explanations:
The stepson may be caretaking for his depressed, low-functioning mother with a quick “pick-me-up” bit of gossip, especially about a stepparent. If so, this type of behavior usually escalates if mom’s depressed mood worsens or she is going through a particularly difficult time.
He may be using the information to win his mother’s favor for selfish reasons. He gives her what she wants and she gives him what he wants.
The stepson may have been hurt by his father or stepmother. Maybe this is payback for dad’s behavior or lack of faithfulness to the family.
Maybe it’s all of the above.
But more important than knowing why is knowing what to do.
I often find in situations like these that both the biological parent and stepparent tend to blame the biological parent in the other home. They believe the solution is to deal directly with that parent—She must be putting the kids up to this; we have to confront her.
However, in my experience, if the other parent is pressuring the child, rarely does talking to him or her result in any support or cooperation. Like in the example above, she has her agenda and she’s going to stick to it. Plus, it could be that the child is coming up with this behavior by himself and the mother isn’t to blame. It’s tough to know.
So it’s better to deal directly with the child who is sharing the information. And it might be best if the biological parent—in the above case, the dad—takes the lead in communicating the following.
“Son, because I love you and want to trust you, I need to ask you to please stop telling your mother about my marriage or our personal family business. It’s not for you to tell. You’re hurting my feelings by doing so; please stop. I realize you may have your reasons for telling your mother things. I can appreciate that you may be trying to make her feel better. But it is doing us harm. Please stop.” [Pause for response.]
“I’m wondering if you feel pressured to tell her things. If she is asking or pressuring you for information, it would be really hard at this point to disappoint her and not share anything. So, I’m wondering how you are going to handle that in the future. Let’s talk about it because I’d like to help you have a plan for what you’re going to do.”
Discuss and script a possible response for your child: “Sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t share things about your life with them so I don’t think I should tell you anything about Dad’s marriage anymore.”
Then finish the conversation by saying something like, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss while we’re talking about this stuff? I love you.”
The essential strategy here is being gentle while assertively communicating the harm being done and your expectations for change. A compassionate delivery is also necessary as most kids who are telling secrets already feel caught between their parents and likely feel guilty for what they are doing. Nevertheless, they still need to hear that it is hurting your feelings.
When balanced with compassion, a conversation to help your children develop a plan to not tell secrets any more will be a blessing to them—and you.
Parenting from a distance is difficult, sometimes extremely difficult. Non-residential parents and stepparents alike find remaining connected to kids and keeping influence with children a challenge.
For example, when a stepchild’s visitation schedule brings her into the stepparent’s home only a few nights each month, the stepparent can continuously feel like an outsider. “I feel whatever relational gains I make during the weekend are easily lost when she goes back to her mother’s house,” said one stepmom. “It’s two steps forward and one step back all the time.”
That feeling is quite understandable given the tentative nature of the stepparent-stepchild relationship. But sometimes the circumstances surrounding visitation make biological parents anxious, too.
Jackson, a father to two adolescent sons, found himself paralyzed by his part-time schedule. After Jackson and his first wife divorced, she and their boys moved over 1,200 miles away. Through the years, Jackson felt his relationship with his sons slipping.
They weren’t able to talk much on the phone and when they did talk, their mother made her presence—and her expectation that they not to talk very long—very evident. Plus, the visitation schedule only allowed Jackson six weeks in the summer with his kids, one week during Christmas break, and one week during spring break.
The lack of time made Jackson discouraged; parenting them with confidence when they came to his house was very difficult. Jackson’s wife, Cathy, was the first to notice and complain. “Why don’t you discipline your children the way you discipline mine?” she demanded of him. “It’s not fair that you let them get away with things you won’t let my daughter do. And she’s noticing it—and asking why. What do I tell her?”
Jackson tried to explain his position. “You don’t understand. It’s not fair to expect me to parent my kids the way I parent yours. Your daughter is with us all the time and I can follow through with her. My kids are here for one week; that’s all I get with them and I don’t want it to be filled with conflict or expectations. My kids don’t call me much as it is; I can’t afford to lose the time I have.”
Upon further reflection, Jackson realized that he had a great many fears about losing contact with his sons. He viewed their relationship as fragile and not able to bear much distress. He knew his ex-wife tried to hoard the children as much as she could and that she told them untrue things about his life, trying to alienate them further. Plus, he wanted them to leave his home with positive feelings toward himself and his wife, not negative ones.
While all of these feelings were understandable, unfortunately they resulted in boundary-less parenting on his part, a sense of unfairness in the home, resentment from his wife, and feelings of dread within everyone before each visit.
Seeking balance
Whether you are a part-time stepparent or biological parent, here are a few suggestions to help you navigate part-time parenting:
First, it is critical that you hear one another. It is common for husbands and wives to have very different perspectives and feelings about the part-time schedule. A biological parent may look forward to the weekend or six-week summer schedule while the stepparent lives in fear of the tension it brings to the home. Both are legitimate and understandable and need to be heard. But fear often gets in the way.
For example, a biological parent might misjudge a spouse who is anxious over the next visit, thinking the spouse doesn’t like being with the kids. Fearing that the children will then feel rejection, the biological parent might become hypercritical of the stepparent. This only adds to the anxiety in the home and pushes the couple apart.
Instead, the biological parent should strive for objectivity and empathy toward their spouse, remembering that understanding does not make rejection more likely. “I can hear how anxious you are about my kids coming this weekend; what can we do to make things go a little more smoothly for you?”
Second, paralyzed part-time parents should strive for balance. If you are like Jackson, and find yourself afraid to discipline your children due to the fear that doing so will alienate them further, explore with your spouse what a balanced response might look like.
As you have this conversation, it’s helpful for the stepparent to acknowledge how fearful the parent is and validate the legitimacy of feelings (negating this only makes your feelings on the matter less important to your spouse). But even then, choosing to take a risk with what feels to be a fragile relationship is extremely difficult.
In some situations, the relationship really is fragile; in other situations, the parent judges it more fragile than it really is. The point is this: If there are other children living in your house (e.g., stepchildren) most of the time you cannot afford to have night and day expectations for different children based on fear. Doing so jeopardizes the stepfamily relationships and often the marriage itself.
Instead, find a balance between having some expectations and letting go of others. Finding this balance can only be achieved through careful and intentional conversation with the stepparent.
In a moment of clarity, Jackson recognized the complications of his stepfamily. “When parents are separated by divorce, parenting gets a lot harder. I’m back on my heels with my own kids which means they have more power than I do—and I can’t be the father I really want to be.”
Part-time parenting is challenging and parents do give up some influence in the process. It is unavoidable. But completely giving up because of fear is never a good solution and rarely helps anyone. Take the risk of acting like a parent and perhaps your children will respect you as one.
Couples:
The following discussion guidelines for couples may help you make important decisions about how you part-time parent. Work through the items together.
Pray together over your discussion and ask for the Lord’s wisdom.
If your children lived with you full time, how would you parent them differently?
List reasons and fears that now keep you from parenting them this way.
Rank the potential costs of each reason or fear from low to high. For example, wanting kids to leave your home with nothing but positive feelings about you (because they had fun the entire time) has low potential costs, while the fear of having children tell an antagonistic ex-spouse that they dread coming to see you has high potential cost.
Discuss which low to moderate costs you are willing to risk experiencing in order to move toward a stronger parenting position with your children.
Pastors:
When you observe or hear stories that confirm a parent is being paralyzed by their part-time circumstances, approach with compassion and wonder about his concerns. Say something like, “In talking to other part-time parents, I’ve noticed there is a strong temptation to avoid discipline for fear that it will further alienate the children. I’m wondering, can you can relate to that?”
Listen and validate their feelings and concerns. Then observe, “I can imagine that you feel caught between how you want to parent and how you think you have to parent in this situation. How can I support you as you work through this?”
A concerned mom once said to me, “I really want my two children to love the Lord, but when they spend time with their dad and stepmom, they are exposed to a lifestyle that goes against what the Bible teaches. What can we do? I’m tempted to discourage them from going to see their dad.”
One challenge of faith training has always been how to minimize the world’s influence upon our children. Sometimes, however, the “world” is another parent or household. This presents some very difficult challenges to faith training since children internalize each parent and their values. It’s one thing to say “don’t listen to the world.” It’s another to say “don’t listen to your dad.”
Let’s first address this mom’s temptation to limit the contact between her children and their father. Her desire to protect the faith of her children is understandable. But becoming a barrier between the other biological parent and his or her child is not recommended because it usually backfires.
As children become aware of the parent’s hindrance, they usually grow to resent that parent and, ironically, shut out his or her value system, judging it as hypocritical. In addition, when ex-spouses feels cheated out of time with their children they may retaliate. That exposes the children to more parental conflict. Instead of limiting contact, you must find other ways of influencing your children. Here are some suggestions.
1. Admit that you cannot control what is taught or demonstrated in the other home.
Many of the battles between homes are essentially about power and control. Trying to control the environment of the other household only invites between-home hostility. Stop trying to change your ex-spouse. Letting go of control forces you to let God manage what you can’t change and make the most of your time with your children.
2. Influence your children toward the Lord with much intentionality.
All parents need to model the Christian walk and impress on their children the decrees of God (Deuteronomy 6:4-9). One useful strategy is utilizing “spiritual inoculations.”
Medical inoculations are controlled injections of a virus that allow the body to develop antibodies that can combat a live virus, if ever encountered. Similarly, spiritual inoculations begin with discussing viewpoints that oppose the Word of God. Then you teach biblical concepts that help children combat them. For example, parents can discuss a TV program that glorifies greed and then present children a more godly view of money management and stewardship.
Children who have one parent not living a Christian life will need inoculations to help them deal with an environment that is hostile to their growing faith. It is critical, however, that parents remain neutral about the other parent; the inoculation cannot be a personal attack.
A comment like, “Your father shouldn’t be lying to his boss—he is so self-centered,” pulls on children’s loyalties and burdens them with your judgment. Ironically, it also diminishes your influence as they react defensively against your negativity. A more appropriate response is, “Some people believe lying is fine when it serves a purpose. But God is truth, and He wants us to be honest, as well. Let’s talk about how you can practice that in every aspect of your life.”
3. You may have to endure seasons of prodigal living as your children try out the values of the other home.
This is a truth that many parents fear. Children may experiment with the “easier, less demanding” lifestyle of the other home. Especially during the teen years, when they are deciding whether the faith they’ve been handed will become their own. Lovingly admonish them toward the Lord (not “away” from the other parent). And be close enough to reach when they repent, as many children and young adults will return to the wisdom of your values.
4. Pray daily for the strength to walk in the light and introduce your children to Jesus at each and every opportunity.
Your model is a powerful bridge to their personal commitment to Christ. Do all that you can to take your kids by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master (Ephesians 6:4).
Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers. Used with permission.
Between the joy and hope of the Christmas season, some stepfamilies find themselves in frustrating power plays between homes.
“Because he is on edge and doesn’t want to deal with his ex-wife, he procrastinates in finding out details about the schedule,” Connie complained about her husband. “This causes tension between us when I ask what the plans are. If he has not spoken to her yet, he gets defensive and mad at me. We are always tip-toeing around each other, wondering if the next event will blow up like others have.”
Connie and her husband had fallen prey to the classic unresolved conflict between him and his ex-wife. The more he avoided dealing with his ex, the more the tension escalated between Connie and her husband.
Hidden struggles
It’s not uncommon for special family gatherings and the holidays to erupt hidden power struggles between ex-spouses. Issues that normally can be avoided in the regular routine of life are often not put aside when extra coordination and cooperation is demanded. Even former spouses that typically get along fairly well may burst into conflict during the season of hope.
Some common emotions and power plays that parents and stepparents may experience include:
Aggravation when waiting for the other home to decide their holiday schedule.
Annoyance when someone changes all of the plans at the last minute.
Frustration over the biological parent who refuses to abide by the visitation schedule that was established in the divorce agreement.
Stress over grandparents who refuse to cooperate with the boundaries you set.
Sadness when the ever-present memory of a deceased parent is so highly honored that new traditions, meals, or decorations cannot be incorporated into your family traditions.
Anger when extended family members voice their disapproval of the stepfamily to the children during family get-togethers.
These dynamics can make anyone feel helpless and weary. Here are a few smart steps to help curb the conflict and tension.
First, pay attention to the stress and ask yourself what fears you have that may be fueling your reactions.
Then talk with your spouse openly and discuss the situation in a calm manner. For example, after admitting to herself how difficult it is to respect her husband when he avoids his ex-wife, Connie might approach her husband calmly. “Honey, I know that talking to your ex-wife about holiday schedules is very stressful for you. I’m also aware that when I ask you what the plans are, it sounds as if I’m judging you for not talking to her. I certainly don’t mean to judge you or make you feel pressured. How can I best support you?”
Stepparents in this situation are sometimes tempted to take on all the responsibility for bridging the power plays between ex-spouses (“I’ll talk to her for you.”). This is a dangerous position to be in.
Sometimes stepparents can communicate with the other home more easily, but they should not take on too much responsibility. If they do, the tension that exists between exes will likely shift onto the stepparent’s lap. Instead, work a plan out together for how the biological parent will manage themselves as they contact the other home to work through details.
Second, choose “between-home battles” carefully.
Whenever possible attempt to live in peace with the other home. This will require making sacrifices so the children don’t have to deal with warring parents. This may seem unfair if your family is making all of the concessions, but this is one reality of a stepfamily.
On occasion, however, there are battles which need to be engaged. The difficulty is learning when to deal with the issue and when to let it go. For example, if the other home normally is flexible about the holiday schedule, but for some reason this year is unwilling to bend, then let it go. But if he or she has a pattern of repeatedly ignoring the divorce arrangement, refusing to allow visitation, or if they control the children’s time, that’s probably a boundary worth battling. That parent is being unreasonable and hurting the kids.
Accommodating to their antics gives them more power and increases resentment within your home.
Staying on the same side
When holiday power plays begin, strive to stay on the same side with your spouse. The natural flow of stress, even if it is initially related to those living in the other home, is to ripple into your marriage. Couples must be diligent to guard and protect their relationships from this dynamic. Talking calmly with one another, not out of fear but confidence, lays the groundwork for moving through such stressful situations.
TAKING ACTION
Managing holiday stressors
Ask grandparents to be equitable in gift giving to both grandchildren and stepgrandchildren, but remember that “blood should deal with blood,” i.e., husbands and wives should set this boundary with their own parents (not expect their spouse to do it for them).
When necessary, deal with power battles head on, but expect repercussions. For example, calmly notify a biological parent that he/she is repeatedly ignoring the legal visitation agreement and if he/she continues that you will take legal action against them. Understand that the process may become difficult, and the kids may be angry. However, it is necessary to bring accountability to the situation and break the cycle of behavior.
Avoid comparisons. “My kids only get to decorate one Christmas tree, his get two. Why should mine have to wait for his to come back from their mom’s before they can decorate the tree?” Decide these dilemmas based on what’s best for your home, not based on how it compares to the other home.
Manage money wisely. Because stepfamilies tend to be large, buying gifts for special occasions and Christmas can overload the stepfamily budget. Creative solutions include not insisting that children buy a gift for everyone, setting an overall family spending limit, drawing names for gifts, and focusing on fairness in purchases.
For those ministering to stepfamilies:
Check in with the stepfamilies in your care during the holidays. The added stress of the season tends to bring issues to the surface, so ask them what matters they are dealing with. As they wrestle with sometimes unreasonable people in their expanded family, encourage them. Also remember that being Jesus to someone doesn’t mean remaining a passive victim. Sometimes the righteous thing to do is to stand up to a power-play bully.
New technology in the last decade has made GPS (Global Positioning Systems) accessible to nearly everyone around the world. Explorers looking for hidden treasures in the mountains or under the sea, for example, can use GPS guidance to constantly determine where they are on the earth’s surface and where they must go to find their treasure. Likewise, a business person traveling in an unfamiliar city can use a GPS device in her rental car to know where to turn in order to find her destination.
What if new technology created an RPS (Relationship Positioning System) that would help you identify the current “location” of your couple relationship and then map directions to help you find greater intimacy? Would you be interested? You would want this marriage to be your last, right?
In 2010 I released the The Remarriage Checkup, coauthored with Dr. David Olson, which reveals the results of the largest study ever conducted on the strengths of remarried relationships. The research, based on over 100,000 people, is groundbreaking. But when the relationship insights of our study are combined with an online relationship profile called the Couple Checkup™, the result is a Relationship Positioning System unlike any other marriage education tool. Dating couples are given a path for the future and married couples get a marital checkup on the health of their marriage.
Unique remarriage
Before revealing a key insight from our research, let me point out that not all marriages are created the same or have the same relational needs. When comparing results from our study of remarriage to a sister study of married couples conducted by Dr. Olson, we discovered that while many qualities of strong marriages are the same, the strongest predictor is different.
Marital communication proved to be most significant in first marriages while matters of personality and character rise to the top in remarriage relationships (see below). The point: Tailoring marital training to marriage in a stepfamily is most helpful. The online Couple Checkup helps you do just that.
The strongest predictor
Our research discovered that the absence of negative personality traits was the best predictor of a healthy remarriage. For example, compared to strong, healthy couples, struggling couples are:
Six times more likely to be moody, critical, and negative
Three times more likely to be controlling
Four times more likely to be unhappy and withdrawn
Three times more likely to have a temper
Nine times more likely to be stubborn.
In stark contrast, couples in vibrant relationships demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22). Dissatisfied couples in stepfamilies also have a greater degree of fear in their marriage, which is a significant factor in predicting poor marital health.
Unhappy couples are twice as likely as satisfied couples to fear another relationship breakup and five times as likely to struggle with jealousy (which can be defined as the fear of being replaced). This fear erodes marital confidence and trust, contributing to a less satisfying marriage and stepfamily experience. To make this marriage last it is essential that you find ways to “cast out fear” or it will contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy—another relationship breakup.
It’s important for you and your spouse to willingly examine yourself and your relationship. A dental checkup could prevent painful cavities. An oil change will help your car last longer. A cholesterol check could lower your risk of heart disease. Examining the heart of your marriage by taking the online Couple Checkup and developing a personalized RPS could significantly lower your risk for heart disease and build a marriage that lasts.
Don and Jennifer missed a number of checkup points and their relationship suffered because of it. When they first married, their inability to effectively resolve conflict over Don’s children didn’t seem like such a big deal. Even though Don often ended up feeling responsible for the problem and Jennifer felt defeated and isolated, the couple easily minimized the issues.
For a while, denying “touchy” subjects seemed to make the problem go away. What Don and Jennifer didn’t know was that the accumulation of small unresolved arguments was seeding fear in their relationship and blocking Jennifer’s relationship with her stepchildren. Their little issues snuck up on them and become big problems.
Don and Jennifer’s issues could have been avoided by a relational checkup that would have provided “early detection” to the growing problems and alerted them to take preventative steps. Have you had your checkup lately?
Taking action
Couples:
A study of over 50,000 couples reveals how you can reduce your risk of heart disease. Here are a few of the distinguishing qualities of unhappy and happy remarried couples. Strive to “put on” these qualities in order to grow your marriage.
Unhappy Couples
Happy Couples
Include persons who are moody, critical, controlling, and stubborn.
Include partners who are emotionally stable, considerate, and sacrificial.
Put one another down, withhold their feelings, and refuse to listen.
Listen with the intent of understanding, affirm one another’s ideas, share themselves.
Stockpile issues until they erupt and disagree on how to resolve disagreements.
Deal with problems as they arise, find unity in handling problems, and take seriously the process of problem solving.
Spend leisure time apart and emphasize personal enjoyment over couple fun.
Seek shared leisure and make time for fun together on a regular basis.
Are more rigid in their approach to life and are more independent in decision-making.
Are creative and compromising in how they handle differences; they are willing to change when change is necessary.
Pastors:
Powered by the popular PREPARE/ENRICH program, the online Couple Checkup can aid ministry leaders trying to prevent heart disease in married and remarried couples within their church and community. Consider these options:
Premarital training—Whether working with groups or individual couples, pastors can use the Checkup to help couples foster deliberation before the wedding. Their profile will help you tailor their premarital counseling to build upon their strengths and shore-up their growth areas.
Pastoral counseling—When struggling couples seek counseling, the Checkup can help you and them pinpoint what needs to change.
Group marriage enrichment—Imagine leading a marital education class or retreat and being able to receive a group profile of the couples in your class? You can tailor your instruction to what best fits their needs while they receive personalized feedback on their relationship.
Little is more challenging than the role of Christian stepparent. In short, the stepparent joins the biological parent in raising his or her child, but does so initially without a clear bond with the child. The stepparent-stepchild relationship is weak due to little emotional connection and only a brief shared history (developed while the adults were courting), making the stepparent’s role very difficult and frustrating.
Consider the e-mail I received from a biological father looking for help:
Jean is the stepmother to my seven-year-old son. In the past ten weeks, a very intense relationship has developed between them. Once inseparable, Jean now wants nothing to do with him and has told him as much. This has strained our marriage, and she has talked about leaving. Our marriage is as perfect as one can get when my son is visiting his mother, but when he returns it is very uncomfortable for everyone. My wife does not understand why God is doing this to her, and she is questioning her faith.
I can just imagine this stepmother explaining her situation. She likely feels confused about her role, displaced from her husband when her stepson is around and helpless to change the situation. My experience tells me that despite all this, she is also feeling guilty, knowing that God expects her to love this boy. Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a challenge, yet with healthy expectations and a specific strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.
Stepparents and biological parents alike frequently expect too much from the stepparent, especially early in the stepfamily’s development. Research confirms that stepparents and biological parents generally assume that the stepparent should be affectionate with stepchildren and should attempt to assert authority to establish their position as “parent.” However, stepchildren report—even five years after the wedding—they wish the stepparent would seek less physical affection and back away from asserting punishment. The challenge for biological and stepparents is to lower their expectations and negotiate a relationship that is mutually suitable to both stepchild and stepparent. Let’s examine some key principles that may help.
1. Give yourself time to develop a workable relationship. Love and care take time to develop, especially with pre-adolescent and adolescent children. Some research suggests that children under the age of five will bond with a stepparent within one to two years; however, older children, teenagers in particular, may take as many years as they are old when the remarriage takes place. Try to imagine your stepfamily in a crock-pot—it’s slow cooking, so don’t rush it. Here are some tips for keeping it on low heat:
Don’t expect that you or your stepchildren will magically cherish all your time together. Stepchildren often feel confused about new family relationships, feeling both welcoming and resentful of the changes new people bring to their life. So give them space and time to work through their emotions.
Give yourself permission to not be completely accepted by them. Their acceptance of you is often more about wanting to remain in contact with their biological parents than it is an acceptance or rejection of you. This realization will help you to de-personalize their apparent rejections.
Give your stepchildren time away from you, preferably with their biological parent. The exclusive time stepchildren had with their biological parent before he or she married you came to a screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring your stepchildren by giving back this exclusive time will help them to respect you sooner.
2. Children’s loyalty to their biological parents may interfere with their acceptance of you. Children are often emotionally torn when they enjoy a stepparent. The fear that liking you somehow hurts their non-custodial parent is common. The ensuing guilt they experience may lead to disobedient behavior and a closed heart. In order to help stepchildren deal with this struggle:
Allow children to keep their loyalties and encourage contact with biological parents.
Never criticize their biological parent, as it will sabotage the children’s opinion of you.
Don’t try to replace an uninvolved or deceased biological parent. Consider yourself an added parent figure in the child’s life. Be yourself.
3. The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this: Let the children set their pace for their relationship with you. If your stepchildren are open to you and seem to want physical affection from you, don’t leave them disappointed. But if they remain aloof and cautious, don’t force yourself on them. Respect their boundaries because it often represents their confusion over the new relationship and their loss from the past. As time brings you together, slowly increase your personal involvement and affections.
Recently a gentleman told me that it took 30 years before he could tell his stepfather he loved him. Undoubtedly, his stepfather struggled through those years for his stepson’s acceptance. But despite his godly attitude and leadership, his stepson simply couldn’t allow himself to return that love. Eventually, love won out, and he was able to express appreciation to his stepfather for being involved in his life. Trust that doing the right things in the name of Christ will eventually bring you and your stepchildren together. Until that day arrives, set realistic expectations that don’t leave you feeling like a failure.
Relax—that’s an interesting word to hear when you feel like you’re not making any progress as a stepparent, yet that’s exactly the word I continue to use with stepfamilies. The crock-pot will eventually bring you closer together with your stepchildren, but you can’t force their affections. So relax, accept the current level of relationship, and trust the crock-pot to increase your connection over time. In the mean time, use the following suggestions to help you to be intentional about slowly building your relationship.
First, monitor1 your stepchildren’s activities early on. Know what they are doing at school, church, and in extracurricular activities, and make it your aim to be a part. Take them to soccer practice, ask about the math test they studied for, and help them to learn their lines in the school play. Monitoring seeks to balance interest in the child without coming on too strong.
Second, throughout the first year of remarriage, stepparents should be involved with stepchildren when another family member can be present. This “group” family activity reduces the anxiety children feel with one-on-one time with a stepparent. Adults frequently assume that the way to get to know their stepchildren is to spend personal, exclusive time with them. This may be true with some stepchildren; however, most stepchildren prefer to not be thrown into that kind of situation until they have had time to grow comfortable with the stepparent. Honor that feeling until the child makes it obvious that he or she is okay with one-on-one time.
Third, share your talents, skills, and interests with the child and become curious about theirs. If you know how to play the guitar and a stepchild is interested, take time to show him how. If the child is interested in a particular series of books or a video game, become interested and ask her to tell you about it. These shared interests become points of connection that strengthen trust between stepparent and stepchild.
Sharing the Lord through dialogue, music, or church activity is another tremendous source of connection. For example, service projects are wonderful activities for parents and stepparents to experience together. Little brings people together like serving others in the name of Christ. Discussing values through the eyes of Christ and having family devotional time can also strengthen your relationship and encourage spiritual formation in the child.
Perhaps the most confusing role for a stepparent is how to set limits, teach values, and enforce consequences. The most common pitfall for stepfamilies is when the biological parent gives too much responsibility for child rearing to the stepparent and he or she begins to punish the child for misbehavior too quickly. A unified team approach that involves both biological and stepparent is best.
Teamwork for the biological and stepparent begins with the acknowledgment of the stepparent’s lack of authority due to a weak, although growing, relationship with the children. Until parental status2 is attained (which can take 18 months to many years), the stepparent should focus on building a relationship and being an extension of the biological parent’s authority. Initially, this is done by first negotiating a set of household rules and a standard of conduct for all the children (whether biological or step) and then putting the stepparent in the role of “baby-sitter.”
Negotiating a household set of rules and conduct involves both adults, but takes place (initially) outside of earshot of the children. As all effective parents, the couple must discuss rules, standards, consequences, and a system of discipline for the children. Then the biological parent can communicate this to the children. When either adult acts outside these negotiated rules (or fails to uphold them), children can divide and conquer the couple. Conflict and resentment are sure to result.
On the other hand, when a baby-sitter cares for children, it is understood that her or she has authority because the biological parent has put them in charge. Likewise, once rules are communicated, the biological parent must pass power to the stepparent by communicating to the children the expectation that they obey and respect the stepparent. If a rule is broken, it is the household’s or the parent’s rule, not the stepparent’s.
Later, when the biological parent enters the picture, they should support the stepparent’s decisions, and then reinforce their expectation that the child obey the stepparent in the future. This baby-sitter role thus creates space for the stepparent and stepchildren to build relationship and at the same time empowers the stepparent to have influence in the home.
Eventually, the stepparent may move from a baby-sitter role to that of an uncle or aunt (viewed as “extended family” but not the full authority of parenthood). In addition, because stepparents will bond with younger children much sooner, they may be “extended family” to young children and “the baby-sitter” with older children. As you can tell, keeping open communication about the stepparent’s changing role with children is an important task for couples.
The challenges of stepparenting are very real. The importance of your role in the life of your stepchild is invaluable. Commit yourself to the Lord, and offer His love to your stepchildren (to whatever degree possible). You may never realize how important you are.
1 Bray, J.(1998). Stepfamilies: Love, marriage, and parenting in the first decade. New York: Broadway Books.
2. Gamache, S. (2000). Parental status: A new construct describing adolescent perceptions of stepfathers. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of British Columbia, British Columbia, Canada.
Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers. Used with permission.
It was the first week of October when my husband, David, and I went to see the new large department store in town. We walked the aisles looking at all the new fall sweaters and kitchen utensils. Soon we found our way to the Christmas decorations—animated Santa Clauses, musical ornaments, sparkling lights … It took just one whiff of cinnamon spice candles, and I was transported to a Christmas fairyland.
In my mind I saw my family bustling around the kitchen—my mother tasting the pecan pie filling, my dad proudly transporting the roast to the table, nieces and nephews scattered around the house with new dolls and toy trains.
I love Christmas! I thought, shivering with holiday tingles.
David called me over, waking me from my trance. Seeing him reminded me it was that same Christmas dreaming that got me into trouble last year when family circumstances abruptly changed our holiday plans. My pouting nearly ruined the holiday for David and me.
I could have had a very happy Christmas like everyone else. I was still able to see my family. There were gifts, delicious treats and warm smiles as always. Everything was as it should be. It just wasn’t the way I wanted everything to be.
The Christmas lie
Ask anyone to describe his or her “perfect Christmas,” and every description would be different. There’s nothing wrong with excitement about Christmas—it is a joyous occasion. But when one starts to try to create or expect Christmas to be the way he imagines it to be, that’s where the trouble starts.
I know I’ve been guilty. Perhaps you’ve had similar feelings. Have you ever worked for days decorating your house or tree, only to be disappointed that no one mentioned it? Ever spend hours on dinner, only to find that no one tasted your new (and difficult) recipe you were so proud of? Ever shop for days for the ideal gift, only to find the recipient didn’t have that look of surprised appreciation you were wanting?
If any of these feelings hit home with you like they do me, you have fallen victim to the Christmas lie … the lie that says everything has to be “perfect” (the way we want it) to have a wonderful Christmas.
I have a planner personality—one that likes to have all my t’s crossed and i’s dotted in advance. But when I put so much emphasis on plans and order, I unwittingly undermine the whole meaning and purpose of Christmas.
Suddenly the holiday that is meant to be outwardly focused—giving instead of receiving, putting others first, peace and goodwill towards men, reminding us of the humble, servant life that Christ lived—becomes a day of selfish sarcastic sulking.
The truth is that the real holiday experience will never live up to the potential in our imaginations. There will be last-minute changes, money issues, presents that don’t quite hit the mark, etc., but that’s not bad. There is no such thing as the perfect Christmas. What makes it perfect is keeping focused on what it’s meant to be—a celebration of the Life that came from heaven and changed the world.
The culprits … and what to do about them
After that frustrating year I decided to put away my expectations and enjoy the holiday as it comes. No pressure, no guessing, no getting bent out of shape. But first I had to learn what I was battling. Where do these dreams of perfection come from? What makes us believe certain elements must exist in order for Christmas to be “perfect”?
In my life, I’ve found they come from three main sources: childhood memories, Hollywood depictions, and temptations of marketing.
This is not an exhaustive list of expectation-makers. Each of us has our own unique experiences that sway our opinions. But I believe these three influences are over-arching in our culture and affect almost all of us. By attacking them at the beginning of the season, perhaps we can take down our lofty expectations and enjoy Christmas for what it was meant to be.
The ghost of Christmas past: Putting away childish things
Memories are a wonderful way to connect with the past. They are God’s gift allowing us to remember personalities that are now gone and experiences that changed our lives. I love to remember my favorite childhood Christmas memories—special gifts, surprises, and family stories.
It amazes me how reminiscing can still give me glowing feelings, making it almost addictive. As wonderful as it is, this can be a problem, too. You see, in my Christmas dreams, everyone is content and smiling. As a child, I was not sensitive to the worries of my parents and to the strains of personal relationships among family members.
Perhaps it’s just the imagination of a child’s mind that carries through to adulthood. Or maybe it’s a longing in our hearts to return to those innocent times that make memories so unrealistically beautiful. Either way, when we compare Christmas present with Christmas past, the current times never seem to measure up to our memories.
It’s good to have fond recollections. I don’t suggest that we should all stoically live out the rest of our holidays. As a matter of fact, I think parents and grandparents should tell stories of the past to improve the lives of children in the future.
But when we allow Christmas memories to dictate our expectations of the present holidays, it’s time to let go of the old, and get ready for the new. The apostle Paul alludes to this same transition from past to present in 1 Corinthians 13, saying, “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things” (vs. 11).
As adults, we should recognize what is in the past and let it stay in the past. Those times were good and should be learned from and cherished. But the present holds the potential to bring new experiences to treasure.
Allow your Christmases to transform from year to year. This year, put away the old memories in a mental photo album and embrace the changes that occur. Then enjoy watching as God turns these unexpected adjustments into new memories that will last a lifetime.
Refusing to believe Hollywood
Watching Christmas movies has always been a tradition in our home. They inspire, encourage, and remind us of the virtues of Christmas. But we should be careful not to fall victim to the subtle images of Christmas perfection displayed in the movies. In many of these films, everyone has plenty of money to spend on gifts; the house is always lovely with no messes or worn-out decorations; and everyone is always happy in the end.
Unfortunately, real life Christmases aren’t always so glamorous. For most of us, money is an ongoing issue, decorations are sorely underrated compared to Hollywood standards, and family circumstances don’t always turn out so well.
It’s tempting to make that Hollywood image of Christmas our goal. If we give in to the idea that we can recreate a world that lives in someone’s imagination, expectations are set way too high.
It’s practically guaranteed we will fail. No matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to reconstruct what Hollywood spent millions on, enhanced with fancy camera angles and professional actors.
Instead, cultivate a heart of gratitude this year. Be thankful for all that you have and for what God is going to provide in the future. Remember the instruction of the Ten Commandments not to covet what we do not have (Exodus 20:17). A heart of contentment will always keep your life in proper perspective. When we appreciate and realize all that we have, how can we not be grateful?
Looking beyond the marketing
Christmas marketing has gone almost out of control in America. Marketers know that holiday emotions are a weak spot for consumers, and they use our sentiments against us, promising all kinds of happiness and excitement in exchange for our holiday savings.
The retailer’s job is to make us feel we cannot have a merry Christmas without their product or service. So they create displays that quietly beckon us with beautiful dangerous melodies, “If you buy me, your family will be so much happier. You’ll have the warmest Christmas you’ve ever had. Everyone will love being in your home.”
If we don’t navigate the holiday commercialization cautiously, we can easily feel discontent with what we already have. Or we can be disappointed by what we can’t afford. We can even become disillusioned by the marketing lies and spend hundreds or thousands of dollars, only to find that Christmas is no merrier than it was last year.
Remember the words of Christ, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also,” (Matthew 6:21). We don’t need treasures of this world to have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. These are things that the world cannot offer at any price. They are free gifts to those who have the life of the Holy Spirit living in them.
Christmas trappings are only a shadow of treasure, but the real gifts are the things we already possess. This year, let us focus on passing out these gifts, giving them freely to others, and learning to enjoy them within our own hearts. Let us put our expectations of joy and fulfillment in the offerings of Christ instead of the world.
A truly perfect Christmas
I stood in that department store with the Christmas lights sparkling all around me, and I was ashamed that my selfishness had taken away so much of the real Christmas. I thought of all the reasons I had to celebrate a loving and generous God—a wonderful husband, a loving family, needs met, and of course, the greatest gift of all, salvation.
My eye caught a Nativity set on the shelf, and I looked long and hard at it. There was a young first-time mother with nothing over her head but a barn, a stepfather who only had his carpenter skills to care for his growing family, a few smelly animals, and a helpless baby—the Savior of the world—who only had a feeding trough to sleep in.
But there it was … a truly perfect Christmas.
I’m sure that was not what Mary expected when she was told she would bear the Messiah. Perhaps Joseph felt inadequate as a provider when the only shelter he could find for his travailing wife was a barn. But it was all part of God’s plan, whether they knew it or not, to fulfill the greatest love story the world has ever seen. And it wasn’t done in spite of unexpected circumstances, but in light of them.
I decided to put away my expectations for the “perfect” Christmas—no more hope placed in conditions or gifts or decorations. Like the night Christ was born, even the most humble circumstances can become memories of a lifetime when we put the focus of our affection where it’s meant to be. I consciously put my hope in Christ—the only perfection I will ever need.
Wouldn’t it be nice if adults could remember that parenting is not about them, and that it is about the children? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the pain of the broken personal relationships of the past could be kept separate from the practical parental concerns of the present? Wouldn’t it be nice …
Yes, it would. But sometimes people aren’t nice.
Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging and defeating. Yet we are called to continue trying to pursue good, to “turn the other cheek,” and “walk the extra mile.” Hopefully the following tips can aid you in your efforts to cope:
1.Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Christian ex-spouses, for example, often feel justified in their anger toward their irresponsible ex-spouses. It’s easy, then, to also feel justified in your efforts to change him or her in whatever ways you feel are morally or practically necessary.
Unfortunately, this sense of “rightness” often blinds good-hearted Christians from seeing just how their own behavior contributes to the ongoing cycle of conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite hostility or a lack of cooperation in return. Learn to let go of what you can’t change so you don’t unknowingly keep the between-home power struggles alive.
2.Stepparents should communicate a non-threatening posture to the same-gender ex-spouse. An ex-wife, for example, may continue negativity because she is threatened by the presence of the new stepmother. It is helpful if the stepmother will communicate the following either by phone or e-mail: “I just want you to know that I value your role with your children and I will never try to replace you. You are their mother and I’m not. I will support your decisions with the children, have them to your house on time, and never talk badly about you to the children. You have my word on that.”
This helps to alleviate the need of the biological mother to bad-mouth the stepparent or the new marriage in order to keep her children’s loyalties.
3.Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use the phone when possible or even leave a voicemail if personal communication erupts into arguments. Use e-mail or texts when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.
4.Use a script to help you through negotiations. This strategy has helped thousands of parents. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Also, anticipate what the other might say that will hurt or anger you. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight.
5.Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex-spouse is suggesting. This good business principle applies in parenting as well. Even if you disagree with the main point, find some common ground.
6.Manage conversations by staying on matters of parenting. It is common for the conversations of “angry associate” co-parents to gravitate back toward negative personal matters of the past.
Actively work to keep conversations focused on the children.
If the conversation digresses to old marital junk, say something like, “I’d rather we discuss the schedule for this weekend. Where would you like to meet?” If the other continues to shift the conversation back to hurtful matters assertively say, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested in discussing us again. Let’s try this again later when we can focus on the weekend schedule.” Then, politely hang up the phone or walk away. Come back later and try again to stay on the parenting subject at hand.
7.When children have confusing or angry feelings toward your ex, don’t capitalize on their hurt and berate the other parent. Listen and help them explore their hurt feelings. If you can’t make positive statements about the other parent, strive for neutral ones. Let God’s statutes offer any necessary indictments on a parent’s behavior.
8.Remember that for children, choosing sides stinks! Children don’t want to compare their parents or choose one over the other. They simply want your permission to love each of you. This is especially important when the two of you can’t get along.
9. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive your ex-spouse for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions when dealing with him or her in the present.
10.Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. For your kids’ sake, find ways of being respectful even if you honestly can’t respect your ex-spouse’s lifestyle or choices. Do not personally criticize the ex-spouse, but don’t make excuses for the behavior either.
When we celebrated my oldest daughter’s 10th birthday, it got me thinking a lot about what I’d learned over my 10 years as a mom. It also made me contemplate what I wish I could go back and tell my then 23-year-old self.
There’s so much I could say. So much I’ve learned. So much I wish I’d done differently.
Before my first daughter was born, I went into motherhood thinking I knew a lot about parenting and caring for babies. In truth, I did have a lot more experience than many people: I’m the second of seven children; I spent many hours and days as a teen babysitting for a number of large families of little children; and after my husband and I got married, I worked as a mother’s helper/nanny for three different families—all of whom had young children.
I had changed countless dirty diapers and soothed many a crying baby and child. I had helped potty-train. I had cared for sick kids. I had cleaned up throw up. I had been spilled on, wet on, and spit-up on.
So I thought I was pretty well prepared and realistic. I didn’t expect motherhood be a walk in the park, and fully expected that many days would be tiring and hard.
But the day Kathrynne was born and we brought her home from the birth center, all that former confidence grew legs and walked right out of my life.
I felt so scared. What if I don’t feed her enough? What if I don’t lay her down in bed right? How do I know if something’s wrong?
I felt alone—especially since I didn’t know any other young moms in our area. Am I the only one who feels this way? Do all the other moms know instinctively what to do?
And I felt overwhelmed. Am I ever going to get in a shower again before noon? Will I always feel this tired and worn done? HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE HAVE TWO KIDS??
If you’re a young mom right now, I want to tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was a brand new mom:
1. You are not alone.
No matter how incompetent or unskilled you feel for this motherhood thing, I can promise, promise you that you are not alone. There are an army of other moms in the trenches with you. And none of us have it together.
Some of us may hide our struggles out of fear. Some of us may be more skilled in certain areas. Some of us may naturally have more energy or capacity.
But none of us have all our ducks in a neat and alphabetized row. We all have areas where we fall short. We all have times when we feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We all have times when we struggle with “mom guilt.”
So, instead of trying to hide your struggles, be honest with those closest to you. Vulnerability breeds strong friendships like just about nothing else will.
2. You’ve got what it takes.
I know it doesn’t feel like you’ve got what it takes. You feel scared and unqualified. You’re overwhelmed.
Your heart is walking outside your body. You worry that you’re not doing enough. You wonder if you’re seriously messing up your child.
But I’m here to tell you: You’ve got what it takes. You can do this.
You were uniquely gifted and equipped by God to be your child’s mother. God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies those whom He calls.
Cry out to Him for the strength, the grace, the patience, and the energy to carry out this calling He’s given you. He will never, never, never leave you or forsake you. And His grace is always sufficient.
3. You won’t be this tired forever.
You’re tired of your child crying. You’re tired of waking over and over again in the night. You’re tired of doing the same things again and again.
You feel flabby and lethargic. You look in the mirror and barely recognize the woman staring back at you. You wonder if you’re ever going to be able to fit into your pre-pregnancy jeans. You wonder where all your energy went.
Trust me on this: You won’t be this tired forever. Even though it feels like you’ll be waking up every two hours for the rest of your life and propping open your eyeballs with toothpicks to make it through the day, it won’t always be like this.
So don’t stress over tomorrow or two years from now. Get as much sleep as you can, accept any offers of help, do whatever it takes to get some shut-eye. And just power through, knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel—and it’s called kids who sleep through the night!
Also, please know that just because your 12-month-old doesn’t sleep through the night yet even though you’ve read all the books and tried all the tactics, you’re not a bad mom. You just have a child who struggles to sleep.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Do the best you can, keep experimenting, and know that someday soon, your child is going to figure it out.
For now, just do what you need to do to make it through — even if not everyone thinks it’s the “right” thing. You are your child’s mother. Trust your gut.
4. You don’t have to do it perfectly.
Really, you don’t. Just stop trying already.
I know you feel like you don’t measure up to Sallie Sue who arrives early to church every Sunday morning looking like a model with her three kids under 4 all in hand-smocked outfits and intricate braids in their hair. I get it.
Maybe that’s what gives Sallie Sue great joy and fulfillment, but take a deep breath and know that it’s completely okay to walk to the beat of a different drum. You’re not Sallie Sue. You’re YOU. Be you—and embrace what’s best for you and your family.
You don’t need to apologize for it or explain it. Just be you, bravely.
5. You are going to work yourself out of a job.
Right now, it’s completely impossible for you to imagine not changing diapers, wiping bottoms, taking little people potty, not constantly hearing “Moooommmmy!”, not having to cut everyone’s food up, not having to buckle everyone in when you get into the car, not having to give baths, get everyone dressed, and help little people brush their teeth.
But there will come a day—and it will be sooner than you believe it will be—when you start working yourself out of a job. When those little people get a little bit bigger and they start learning how to do things for themselves.
It’s a S-L-O-W process, but looking back, it seems to happen in the blink of an eye. And all of a sudden, you wake up one day and your oldest is 10 years old and she’s taking over the family’s laundry, helping with the cooking, cleaning bathrooms, and asking what else she can do to help you.
That day is coming. When it does, all these years of doing what seems like the same thing over and over again will pay off… and you’ll realize that those little people are turning into capable adults who are contributing to the family in significant ways.
Ten years from now, you’re going to look back with a deeply fulfilling and happy feeling knowing that all that hard work, sleepless nights, and exhaustion was worth it.
So, as much as you might want to some days, don’t give up! The best is yet to come!
I fear that we are headed down a slippery slope when it comes to one aspect of parenting. And we at least need to start talking about it.
For some reason, we have this strange belief that it is our job to entertain our kids all. the. time.
In case you aren’t convinced … feel free to browse Pinterest for a few minutes or visit one of the amazing blogs with activities for children. I, too, am guilty of spinning my wheels day after day, trying my hardest to provide fun experiences for my children … all in the name of being a good mom.
Yes, we want our kids to have a happy childhood with a variety of experiences. But this certainly doesn’t mean that the mark of a good mother is spending all her time creating and engaging her kids in those activities.
My goal as a parent is to raise my children to know, love, and emulate Jesus. Entertaining them is not what should take up the majority of my focus. My focus should be on others, just as Jesus’ was. After all, the two greatest commandments are loving God and loving others.
So, what is a mother to do?
Meet their needs of feeding, changing, and bathing? Yes.
Teach our children? Yes.
Engage with our children in play? Yes.
Enjoy our children? Yes.
Play with our children? Yes, although not every minute of the day.
Encourage our children to think of others before themselves? YES!
Laugh with, tickle, and kiss our sweet babies? OF COURSE!
Entertain our children every minute of the day? No.
The fact is, when we make it our mission in life to make sure that our children are entertained and having fun, we are teaching them that life is all about them! It also can prohibit children from using their imagination and creativity to come up with something fun to do on their own. This is a problem with my firstborn—I continually entertained him from birth to 2 years of age, when his little brother was born, and now he has a hard time playing on his own.
Rather than going out of our way to find ways to entertain our kids, let’s go out of our way thinking of opportunities that we can serve and love others together.
1. Start Thanksgiving Day by spending some time with God. Read through Psalms that talk about giving thanks to God: Psalm 50:14; 69:30; 95:2; 100:4; 147:7. And then focus on Psalm 9:1, which tells us, “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.” Write down some of the ways that God has worked in your life and your family.
2. List God’s blessings. As you approach Thanksgiving, here’s one way to cultivate a thankful heart: Spend time listing God’s blessings in your life. And don’t stop until you’ve listed at least 10-15. The exercise will force you to think creatively about God’s care and provision—even in small things.
Listing God’s blessings in your life forces you to focus on Him, and in the process you catch a glimpse of His love, care, and compassion.
Then during your Thanksgiving meal, share this list with your family. Read a couple of Scriptures about giving thanks, and then ask those at the table, “What is one way God has blessed you lately?”
3. Five kernels of corn. “We often ate Thanksgiving dinner later in the day with my parents. So we would always have brunch earlier in the day. Just before our family began eating, we would all write (on special place cards) five things for which we were thankful to God. On each of our plates were five kernels of corn—a reminder of the Pilgrims’ daily ration during one of their first difficult winters. As we ate, we passed a basket around the table, and each person placed one kernel of corn at a time into the basket and told of one thing for which he or she was thankful. The basket went around the table five times.” (Barbara Rainey)
4. Feathers of thanks. This idea is popular with small children. Using colored construction paper, create a paper turkey to place on the wall. Then cut out several feathers for the turkey. Give a feather to each person in your family, and have them either write or draw something they are thankful to God for. When they are finished, have them tape the feathers to the turkey.
5. Thank God for each other. Go around the table and say something you’re thankful for about the person on the right. This is not always easy for siblings to do, but it’s a great exercise to remind them to be thankful for their family.
6.Pass on special memories. The Thanksgiving meal is a good opportunity to ask older members of the family to tell stories about family history. Ask your parents and grandparents questions like:
How did you celebrate Thanksgiving when you were a child? What did your parents make for the Thanksgiving meal?
How did you meet and fall in love?
How did you celebrate your first Thanksgiving together?
7. The Lepine family’s “hard tack and manna.” Bob Lepine (co-host of FamilyLife Today®) and his family followed a tradition of eating “hard tack” during their Thanksgiving meal. Hard tack, an unleavened bread which will last for months without spoiling, was used during the time of the Pilgrims on voyages across the Atlantic Ocean. When the Lepine family ate the bread, Bob reminded everyone of the hardships the Pilgrims endured to come to this country. He would ask, “Who else can you think of that needed bread to sustain them on a long trip?” The answer: the Israelites, who ate the daily manna which God provided after He brought them out of Egypt. This provided the family with an opportunity to remember how God sustains them and provides for all their needs (Exodus 16).
Hard Tack recipe*
1/8 teaspoon baking soda 3 tablespoons buttermilk 1 cup flour 4 teaspoons real maple syrup 5/8 teaspoon salt 1 ½ tablespoon shortening
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Mix baking soda and buttermilk, then set aside. Mix flour, maple syrup, 3/8 teaspoon salt, then cut in the shortening. Add the baking soda/buttermilk mixture.
Roll the dough out very thin, then score rectangles in the dough without cutting all the way through. Prick each rectangles several times with a fork. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet for 5-10 minutes or until golden brown.
* Be careful; these will be very hard.
8. Serve at a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Prior to Thanksgiving, bring your children to a mission where they can serve the poor. Many churches already have a ministry like this available. Talk to your pastor or church secretary to get contact information, and then ask the mission director about jobs and safety for children. On Thanksgiving Day, discuss your experience.
9. Have each child prepare something for the Thanksgiving meal. It’s easy for children to take the Thanksgiving meal for granted. Often Mom and/or Dad slave in the kitchen and dining room, putting everything in order for guests while children run around or watch TV. This year, ask each child to contribute to the meal as a service to the family. Older children can follow recipes and create a special dish, while younger children can stir vegetables, boil noodles, or butter bread.
10. List some ways God provided for you and protected you. Some of these may have occurred in times of hardship. Write your list down on a poster and hang them up in your hallway as a reminder of the Lord’s faithfulness to your family.
11. Invite an international student or a coworker who is spending Thanksgiving alone to join your celebration. It’s difficult to be alone on a family-themed holiday like Thanksgiving. Many international students have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, and they may have no idea what the holiday is all about. Or you may know of someone who recently went through a divorce, or lost a loved one, and has no plans for Thanksgiving.
12. Use Thanksgiving resources from Ever Thine Home® to focus on God.Untie Your Story, for example, encourages your guests to share about gratitude. This resource includes 12 frayed-edge napkin ties to loop around silverware serving sets. Each ribbon is imprinted with a question like, “What little things are you thankful for today?” or, “Name a person or event before your time for which you are thankful.” The questions invite heart-bonding conversations over ideas that really matter.
13. Blessings jar. Ricky and Ginger Roberts created a decorative jar that sits in their home, so the members of the family can fill it with notes and reminders of blessings all throughout the year. This way, nothing is forgotten. On Thanksgiving, Rick and Ginger pour out the notes and read them out loud as a family.
14. Remember how God has provided for you in the past. Before the Thanksgiving Day comes, spend some time with your spouse writing down special memories. How did God bring you together? What are some special ways He has provided funds for special needs? How has He brought you through times of suffering? These would be great stories to pass on to your children as a legacy of God’s faithfulness.
They traveled more than 3,000 miles aboard the Mayflower in search of a fresh start. Instead, the Pilgrims encountered sickness, starvation, a grueling winter, and death after landing in Cape Cod in November of 1620. By the following spring, half of their community remained, roughly 50 people. But their story didn’t end there.
An alliance with the nearby Wampanoag tribe changed everything. Offering protection and aid, the treaty offered healing and restoration in the colony after a harsh season. With the help of a Native American named Tisquantum, the settlers were taught to work the soil as the tribes had done for generations. The result? A bountiful harvest and praises to God for His provision.
The little we know about what we call the “first Thanksgiving” comes from the accounts of a letter written by Edward Winslow, and Gov. William Bradford’s Of Plymouth Plantation. Winslow wrote, “Our harvest being gotten in, our governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after a more special manner rejoice together, after we had gathered the fruit of our labors.”
Their new friends joined the celebration as well. He continued, “many of the Indians coming amongst us … some ninety men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed five deer.”
Sounds like a far cry from the elaborately decorated tables we set today, complete with roasted turkeys (not mentioned specifically as part of the Pilgrims’ feast) and canned cranberry sauce. But the heart of the celebration was thanksgiving—and that’s where all of our hearts should be this time of year. As Winslow said in this letter, “God be praised … ”
What we can learn from the Pilgrims’ story
The Pilgrims’ story of tribulation and renewed hope is one that can resonate with all of us as believers. Sometimes, I, too, feel as if I am a settler on foreign land. And, quite frankly, this life is often not what I expected.
My struggles may not have included the death of half of the ones I hold dear, but I have seen struggle. Struggles that included spending months praying for a sick child who remained without a diagnosis. Or sharing tears with a friend whose husband was leaving her.
We don’t have to travel far to see the pain and suffering all around us. And thankfully, most of us don’t have to look far to see God’s restoration at work either. Like in the long-awaited diagnosis for my daughter. Or in the repentance and forgiveness that can save a dying marriage.
Much like an abundant harvest after a harsh winter, God is always working to restore His people. And the Pilgrims knew that, as they stopped to celebrate and reflect on God’s provision in their lives as they neared their first anniversary at Plymouth.
Here are five reminders—you could call them faith lessons—that we can pull from the Pilgrim’s Thanksgiving.
1. God is always worthy of praise.
After losing half of their community—those whom they had loved, toiled in labor beside, even shared a bit of laughter when hope was bleak—the Pilgrims still praised God for His goodness. In Winslow’s letter he writes, “And although it be not always so plentiful … by the goodness of God, we are so far from want.”
No, life doesn’t always feel so “plentiful.” But our faith rests in the promise that God is working in the trials. Romans 8:28 tells us, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” And that is a reason for praise.
2. There is always hope for tomorrow.
I can’t help but think about the hope and faith it took to plant those first few kernels of corn. Nothing at that point had gone the way they had hoped. They had no way of knowing whether or not the kernels would produce a crop. They hoped.
But this hope resulted in Winslow writing, “God be praised, we had a good increase of Indian corn.” Enough to feed more than 50 pilgrims and more than 90 from the neighboring tribes that fall.
Hope is like a match lit in the dark—it gives just enough light to sustain you until the morning breaks. And through faith, you know the morning light is coming. The Bible describes how Job, despite his many trials, spoke of hope like that and where it was rooted. “Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. This will be my salvation that the godless shall not come before him” (Job 13:15-16).
3. We’re better together.
A strong alliance between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag tribe was key to the colonists making it through another harsh New England winter. Life can be tough, but having someone to share those ups and downs is invaluable.
The same is true of believers. Fellowship is a gift from a loving Father who knew our need for companionship long before we knew it ourselves. Genesis 2:18 reads, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”
In 1 Corinthians, Paul writes that through Christ we are all members of one body (12:12). And that body was designed with a purpose. “But God has so composed the body … that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Corinthians 12:24-26).
Simply put, Christians are better together.
4. Seasons change.
The Pilgrims landed in Cape Cod right before the onset of a true New England winter. The crisp fall air quickly gave way to plummeting temperatures, and they hadn’t even built homes yet. Their next autumn in the New World was a season to be celebrated. Not only did they have a healthy harvest and a fruitful alliance with the Wampanoag, but the remaining Pilgrims had lived a full year at Plymouth. They were survivors.
During some seasons of life, you might feel like you are just “surviving.” I know I have. Other seasons have been times of rejoicing. But as sure as we are that spring will give way to summer and summer into fall, we can know that God’s hand is over it all.
In what may be one of the most quoted verses in the Bible, God’s Word reminds us “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3).
We don’t always know why we are in a particular season of life, or when it might end. But rest assured, God does.
5. Life on earth will be like a rocky shore, but God is firm ground.
When I read the first-hand accounts of life at Plymouth, both their hard times and easier moments remind me that life can change in an instant. I read the names of those who survived the first year and wonder if they felt the bittersweetness of that moment. Maybe those mothers held their children a bit closer, spouses were more forgiving of each other, and neighbors were kinder.
I recently spoke with a mother in our community who had just suffered great loss. Her home—the place where she, her husband, and child were building their lives—burned down after an electric pole collapsed on it. It was a total loss. She was putting her 2-year-old daughter to bed in a hotel room that night as she and her husband tried to decide what to do next. But in her grief, she praised God for the safety of her family.
Life is like that. It’s changing and unpredictable. The apostle Peter reminded the early Christians that “the end of all things is at hand” (1 Peter 4:7). With that sense of urgency, he said, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you … but rejoice insofar that you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:12-13).
I can’t put my faith in people, circumstances, my home, or my career. What I can do, whether times are good or bad, is put my faith in Christ.
I remember our first Thanksgiving as a married couple when Merry and I were invited to spend the day with some friends from our church. We enjoyed a great meal, but we had hardly finished eating when someone said, “The game is starting!” and all the men jumped up and fled to the living room, leaving behind a group of unhappy wives.
After that experience we decided we would not allow football to govern the way we celebrated Thanksgiving. We realized it’s easy to let Thanksgiving become just another day, rather than a celebration of family and, most important, a time to thank God for what He has done in our lives.
Of course, football is just one possible threat to this holiday. In their never-ending effort to edge out the competition, a growing number of America’s retailers have been opening on Thanksgiving Day. It wasn’t enough to open at midnight on Black Friday—now many stores are opening their doors on Thanksgiving afternoon and a few are even open in the morning.
If you’re feeling outraged, you may be in the minority. As Rick Newman of The Daily Ticker wrote in 2013:
Sorry, but shopping comes first in America. Anybody who wants to preserve the sanctity of the holidays is free to stay at home, huddle with family, or even step off the grid. You could start, if you desire, by clicking out of this article. The rest of us want to shop. We’ve sent that message to Big Retail year after year, and they’ve responded by offering us the incredible low prices we want, exactly when we want them: always. The turkey and mashed potatoes can wait.
Newman was writing humorously, but there’s a hint of sadness in his words as well. He’s talking about misplaced priorities; we’re missing something when we allow a holiday like Thanksgiving to slip away and become just another shopping day.
I don’t know how to save Thanksgiving in our culture, but I do know we have the power to save it in our own families. If you want to keep Thanksgiving from becoming a meaningless holiday, it will require some team effort with your spouse. Begin by answering these questions together:
Are we happy with the way we celebrate Thanksgiving?
What can we do to help people enjoy each other more this year?
What can we do to focus more on God this year?
Here are some ideas:
1. Declare a digital holiday.
I don’t think I can overstate how much digital technology—especially the smartphone—has changed the way we relate to one another over the last decade. Most of us could tell stories of family gatherings where some individuals spent most of the time looking at their cell phones rather than engaging in conversation.
If this has become a problem in your family, you might start by planting some seeds ahead of time about the importance of putting some boundaries on cell phone use at Thanksgiving. And on the big day you’ll need to be a bit bold. Think of ways to address the issue without lecturing or singling out specific individuals, and without being self-righteous or preachy. It may be as simple as passing around a basket at the start of Thanksgiving dinner while declaring, “It’s time for everyone to surrender their cell phones!” Do the same during special family activities.
2. Don’t make football your highest priority.
I love watching football as much as anyone, and I’m not recommending a football boycott. But consider that there are dozens of games on television each week, but only one opportunity for your family to gather. Ask yourself what’s most important.
At the very least, plan the meal and other family activities so they won’t be crowded by football. Consider recording the game and watching it later.
3. Start the day by spending some time with God.
Read through Psalms that talk about giving thanks to God: Psalm 50:14; 69:30; 95:2; 100:4; 147:7. And then focus on Psalm 9:1, which tells us, “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.” Write down some of the ways that God has worked in your life and your family. And save your list for later.
4. Let the people you love know that you’re grateful for them.
There are few things more encouraging than hearing someone say, “I’m so glad that God has put you in my life.” Who needs to hear that today? Your spouse? Your children? Your parents?
5. Plan some fun Thanksgiving activities.
Give your family something better to do than watch football. Holidays are a wonderful time to play games or do crafts together. This is especially fun for the kids, who love playing games with their grandparents or with older relatives.
6. Make the dinner memorable for more than the food.
This is a good time for you to share your list of things God has done in your life. Read a couple Scriptures about giving thanks, and then ask those at the table, “What is one thing new in your life that you are thankful for?” If appropriate, talk about something difficult that occurred during the last year, and express your thanks for that experience. Thanking God is an expression of trust in Him—and that’s good for any family.
This is also a good opportunity to ask older members of the family to tell stories about family history. Ask your parents and grandparents questions like:
How did you celebrate Thanksgiving when you were a child? What did your parents make for the Thanksgiving meal?
How did you meet and fall in love?
How did you celebrate your first Thanksgiving together?
Or do a Google search for “Thanksgiving conversation starters.” You’ll find a ton of great ideas to make your dinner discussion meaningful and learn more about each other.
7. Save shopping for another day.
You can shop almost any other day of the year. Why do it on one of the few occasions when you gather family and friends for a special celebration? Go the next day—or anytime during the next month. Stores will continue offering great sales right up to Christmas.
Saving Thanksgiving in your family will require commitment, teamwork, and discipline. But it’s worth it.
Does it ever seem surprising to you that God made the Israelites wander in the wilderness for 40 years because they grumbled? My kids may have spent 30 minutes in their rooms for griping, but 40 years? What a severe discipline! Ouch, it seems harsh.
God clearly is not pleased with grumbling. It doesn’t make Him happy to hear His children complain constantly. Sound like any children you know?
Being grateful is a choice—not a feeling dependent on our circumstances—as we clearly see in the Pilgrims’ lives. They believed that God was in control—”Providence,” they called it. They responded to the circumstances of their lives with a perspective that said, “God has allowed this for our good.”
Remembering our dependence on past mercies kindles gratitude. Gratitude is past-oriented dependence; faith is future-oriented dependence. Both forms of dependence are humble, self-forgetting and God-exalting. If we do not believe that we are deeply dependent on God for all we have or hope to have, then the very spring of gratitude and faith runs dry.
Gratitude is what we express when we take time every Thanksgiving Day to remember God’s past mercies and provisions and then pause to thank Him for them.
The stories of those who have gone before us inspire our faith. When we consider those great saints listed in the “Hall of Faith” in Hebrew 11 or our Pilgrim forefathers or those men and women we know in recent times who have modeled great dependence on God, our faith is stretched and increased. Their example of placing all hope in Jesus Christ encourages us to do the same.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Those who sailed on the Mayflower knew their Bibles well. They were convinced that God existed and could only be pleased through faith (Hebrews 11:6).
Someone has said, “Faith is a firm conviction, a personal surrender, and a conduct inspired by your surrender.” The Pilgrims were totally surrendered to God, and they believed that He was leading them to the New World. So they went, confident that He would guide and provide.
The Bible is full of verses on giving thanks. Our problem in America is not that we don’t know we are to be thankful, but often we choose to complain instead. The Psalms contain a number of verses that call thanksgiving a sacrifice:
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving. Psalm 50:14 He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me. Psalm 50:23 Let them also offer sacrifices of thanksgiving. Psalm 107:22 To You I shall offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and call upon the name of the LORD. Psalm 116:17
Why is it a sacrifice to give thanks to the Lord? Because being thankful forces us to take our eyes off ourselves and put them on the Lord. Giving up our self-focus is the kind of denial that pleases God.
As a nation, we have inherited a remarkable gift in our freedom to worship, but we have strayed far from our roots and heritage. We must return to the faith of our fathers. Developing a heart of gratitude is the beginning step in growing a stronger faith. Remember what God has done and believe that He will take care of us in the future.
I have a little flock of daughters. With four of them 5 years old and under, it should come as no surprise to you that we deal with a walloping share of emotions at our house.
Our one son, Titus, is so simple (of course, he is also still 2 years old)—just right up the middle and easy. He either disobeys, or he doesn’t. I am sure he will grow into more difficult problems (competition, for one), but right now there are no subtexts with this kid.
But girls are different, and sometimes that difference can leave a person completely bewildered.
One of our sweet little girls has a hilarious tendency that we refer to as her “drunk driving.” If she is tired, she becomes reckless and disobedient. Her eyes get a little glassy, she gets super rowdy, and you might find her unloading the freezer or coloring her sheets with a marker or some such clearly outlawed activity.
Once, when she was in the midst of one of these times, I caught her on the kitchen counter getting into something. Surprise was my first response—”What are you doing?” Her immediate response was to throw her hands up over her eyes in shame.
It was at that moment I realized that she didn’t know what was causing it either! She was just as surprised as I was to find herself being so delinquent. It wasn’t any kind of deep malice that got her into those cupboards looking for chocolate chips—it was just a simple lack of control.
Don’t play whack-a-mole
That little glimpse has really shaped the way we deal with all kinds of behavioral issues. Sometimes parents can discipline behaviors over and over and over like we are playing whack-a-mole: There is a sin! Get it! But the real problem is that the child doesn’t know what to do.
Say it is someone else’s birthday. Say your child wants a present too. Say they start fussing about it. Imagine that you say, “Don’t do that. That is bad. Don’t be a fusser. Deal with it.”
How did that help anyone? The child is taught that if the feeling comes over them, they have already failed. That is bad! But what am I supposed to do with it? It doesn’t just go away by itself. Little girls need help sorting out their emotions—not so they can wallow in them, but so they can learn to control them.
Riding the horse
We tell our girls that their feelings are like horses—beautiful, spirited horses. But they are the riders. We tell them that God gave them this horse when they were born, and they will ride it their whole life. God also set us on a path on the top of a mountain together and told us to follow it. We can see for a long way—there are beautiful flowers, lakes, trees, and rainbows. (We are little girls after all!) This is how we “walk in the light as He is in the light, and have fellowship with one another” (I John 1:7).
When our emotions act up, it is like the horse trying to jump the fence and run down into a yucky place full of spiders to get lost in the dark. A good rider knows what to do when the horse tries to bolt—you pull on the reins! Turn the horse’s head! Get back on the path!
We also tell our girls that God told us if we see one of them with her horse down in a mud puddle spitting at people who walk by, it is our job to haul them up, willing or unwilling, back to the path. The ways that this has helped me as a mother are pretty obvious, but I will share them anyway if you will bear with me.
Four steps
First, the horses are not the problem. There is nothing wrong with emotions. If we have a little rider who is woefully unprepared to control her horse, well then, we had better start with some pretty serious riding lessons.
Second, talk to your daughters about how they might feel, and what you want to see when they do. Give them some practical handholds; be a coach.
Third, anticipate moments that might be hard, when the horse might bolt, and help them learn to anticipate it too. Take a little break to say, “Hey, sweetie, we are going in this store, but we aren’t going to buy any toys today. If you start feeling like you want to fuss about it, what are we going to do?” Make a plan.
Finally, give lots of praise when you see her overcoming little emotional temptations. Be right there with her as she learns to recognize what is happening.
Little girls can be scared out of their minds when their emotions charge off with them. They need the security of parents pulling them back.
The goal is not to cripple the horse, but equip the rider. A well-controlled passionate personality is a powerful thing. But a passionate personality that is unbridled can cause a world of damage.
If you see a lot of passion in your little girls, don’t be discouraged. It is just wonderful raw material. Our house is pretty near full to overflowing with this kind of raw material!
But don’t treat it lightly either—runaway horses can be a very real threat to your little girls.
What’s on your gratitude list this Thanksgiving—a job, good health … the birth of a new baby?
But what about your marriage? Are you really thankful for your spouse?
For some, the reply will come with a quick nod of affirmation. But for others, the answer is much more difficult.
A friend who I’ll call Ashley told me that it took her a long time to really appreciate her husband’s differences. “For quite a few years I wondered and struggled with how my husband could be so defective,” she said.
Now, more than 25 years later, his differences are on her gratitude list this Thanksgiving. “If we thought the same thoughts and did things the same way,” she said, “… we would not need each other.”
What is one thing about your spouse that you are most thankful for? Here’s how some people answered this question:
Wives’ comments about their husbands
Gives unconditional love: “Terry loves me no matter what my faults are.” —Barbara Robinson
Doesn’t hold grudges: “David has taught me that holding grudges is overrated and he’s right.” — Elizabeth Wehman
Puts God first: “I am so thankful for the time Mickey spends each morning in Bible study and prayer. … It gives me confidence in his leadership because I know he is lifting up all of his decisions and concerns to God first.” —Lynn Hargett
Is patient: “He never complains about my health, never grows weary of fixing the things I break … He truly undergirds me with his love and never ceases to amaze me with his endless patience.” —a grateful wife
Is trustworthy: “Roger is kind and gentle, non-judgmental and has always placed me and our kids first. Even as a business owner with two dozen plus employees, I never worry about his integrity or priorities …” —Leigh
Is committed to our marriage: “I’m thankful that my spouse, Dave Ashford, listened to God when I wanted to throw in the towel and that we are now restored! And, I’m really thankful he kills the spiders for me (smile).” —Sonya Helm
Listens: “Lee listens … After 22 years of marriage, I am so blessed to be married to my best friend.” —Katie
Has transformed of a sinful habit: “After eight years of a rough marriage, largely due to an addiction to pornography, he never hesitates to … share how he overcame his addiction.” —a grateful wife
Models leadership: “Glen is a true leader for our family. He’s a man that is willing to say he is sorry, to help around the house, to engage with our children, to pick up the slack, to take on whatever responsibility is needed that day…even when he doesn’t feel like it.” —Shawn Solberg
Cares for others: “One of the things I appreciate the most about Daniel is his need to take care of others. This used to make me so jealous and mad. But now after 14 years of marriage, this old annoying trait … is now a blessing …” — Bethanie
Is thoughtful: “Ed always looks for ways to show how much he loves me. For example, [recently] he came home from work, kissed me and kept walking out the back door to his rose garden. He cut me seven beautiful roses, arranged them in a vase, then presented them to me. Wow!” —Cindy Hansberry
Has a servant-heart: “David is so helpful with our six children and the upkeep of our super busy house. He’ll change dirty diapers without any complaint, wash dishes by hand that don’t fit into the dishwasher and fold laundry for a whole football game!” —Cheryl Adair
Is a peacemaker: “Trey always seeks me out for reconciliation when we’ve had an argument. I tend to want to hide myself away and stew in my anger. He … doesn’t let bitterness take root.” —Jayna Richardson
Believes in the God of second chances: “I’m grateful for my husband’s willingness to go above and beyond to seek God’s restoration for our marriage after an affair. … He’s a mighty man of God now leading and loving our family.” —Jovan
Lets me dream: “Micah … rarely discourages me from dreaming big, but he usually offers practical advice and asks hard hitting questions that bring me back to reality. When we first got married, I hated how he was always raining on my parade. But now that we have been married for nine years, I love how we can balance each other out …” —Kate Wetsell
Provides: “He works so hard to be a great provider and head of our household!” —Carolyn Sarkozi Potts
Is dependable: “I know that Bob will be by my side no matter what happens in our life. Two years ago I had a cancer scare and complications after the surgery to remove it. He … relied on God for my healing and was not afraid to tell others we needed prayer.” —Pam Stelter
Husbands’ comments about their wives
Married me: “I am thankful that Kimberly said ‘Yes!’ … I would not want to do life with anyone else.” —Steve Sprout
Shows unconditional love: “In spite of my knucklehead ways at times, Karen still loves me and is loyal to me.” —Dave Stuart
Knows Jesus Christ: “I am thankful Wendy is a child of God. If it were not the case, her ability to love me in my imperfections would not be so generous … she would not be able to forgive or receive forgiveness as she does – keeping our relationship strong.” —Chad Donley
Manages our home well: “I love the insight into our children’s’ hearts that Karla brings into our marriage. She is a wonderful household manager who performs miracles of joyous memories …” —Warren
Gives encouragement: “Cheryl sees me in a more positive way than I think of myself and is constantly encouraging me to rise above the low bar that I might have otherwise settled for.” —David Adair
Is fun to be with: I love how Jennifer is full of life and just fun to be around! God has filled her with a spirit of joy! —Duane Abbott
Prays for me: “When I dream big, Dana prays for me. When my dreams crash around me, she prays for me. When my job became very successful and I lost my way home being caught up in the success, she prayed for me. When the stresses of being a business man and a youth pastor pulled me under, she prayed for me. … She never gave up on me, never criticized me, never quit loving me, and never left my side.” —Glenn
Depends on God: “My wife has devoted and Rock-solid faith. … That has been beautifully evident as she faces very serious surgery and a possibility of cancer.” —a grateful husband
Gives me grace: “I am most thankful for the grace Cyndi has given me. … There have been times when I didn’t necessarily deserve it. … She is quick to believe me and believe in me …That makes me want to be a better man than I am.” —Mike Warren
Is reliable: “I can count on Heather. I have never felt limited in pursuing the things of God in our family.” —Gene Muckleroy
Holds me accountable: “Deborah has made me a better person by challenging me in areas of my life that only she would know about and then she becomes my number one cheerleader to encourage me to make the changes in my life.” —Abraham Lara
Empowers me: “Sarah … allows me be the spiritual leader of our family.” —Jerry Biuso
Has a teachable spirit: “When a person loves God like Anne does, it has a huge impact on her having a teachable heart. When we are in conflict or disagreement she strongly pursues resolution.” —David Newell
Asks what Christ would do: “When the feelings for each other are not there, or the hurt is significant, or the conflict is long and drawn out, the eventual question we must each ask ourselves is, “What would Christ want me to do in this situation?” This trumps everything. And I know my wife’s commitment to this is unwavering. Consequently, I know she’s in it for the long haul no matter what comes our way. For this I am most thankful!” —grateful husband
Would you like to give your spouse an amazing gift for Thanksgiving? One that will be cherished for years to come? Then how about telling your spouse the answer to this question: What one thing do you appreciate about him/her the most?
This is the second article in a three-part series on God’s design for sexuality. Click here to read part one, and click here to read part three.
I was born in 1956, two days after Elvis recorded “Heartbreak Hotel” in Nashville. By the time I became a teenager, America had experienced a huge cultural revolution. That revolution affected fashion, hairstyles, and the music we listened to. But maybe the most significant aspect of that cultural revolution was the impact it had on how we look at sex and morality.
Teenagers in the ’60s had a sure way to know if something was right or wrong: If their parents were for it, it was wrong. My generation saw life differently. We believed that we knew better than our parents about life.
Sexual sin was not new in the ’60s. People have been sinning with their bodies since the beginning of time. What was new a generation ago was that we didn’t call it sin anymore. All of a sudden there were no taboos. Suddenly, the idea that sex before marriage or sex outside of marriage was wrong started to evaporate. Sex anytime was groovy; it was natural. If you can’t be with the one you love, we were told, love the one you’re with.
Several decades have passed since the sexual revolution. We now live in a culture where sexual sin is celebrated. It’s normalized. It’s made to look attractive and glamorous. The temptation to sexual sin is more intense than it’s ever been. It is more constant. It’s more accessible than ever. All around you are people—even Christians—who are disregarding God’s design for sexual purity.
The culture tells us that we should be liberated and free about sexuality—that those who follow biblical standards are uptight and repressed. You may think, “I don’t want to be repressed. Why should I obey God in this area?”
Here’s why: Because God, who created you, has designed sex as a good gift and a blessing if you enjoy it as He intended.
When you pull sex out of its original design, you will do damage to your soul. It will degrade you, it will cheapen you, it will wound you. It will rob you of a sense of who you are.
Naked and unashamed
In the first article of this series, I looked at the creation account in Genesis and what it tells us about God’s purposes for marriage and sexuality. Genesis 2 ends with a glorious declaration that the husband and wife come together and become one flesh. Then it says, “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” The man and woman were transparent with each other and with God; they felt safe and protected. Nothing was broken. Yet.
But look what happens in Genesis 3, as the man and the woman succumb to the serpent’s temptation and declare their independence from God: “Then the eyes of both were opened and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths” (verse 7).
What God brought together—the pinnacle of His creative work, joining the man and the woman together in marriage and uniting them in one flesh—now began to unravel. Suddenly there was shame, and the shame was directly related to their sexuality in their marital union.
It’s important for us to recognize that our enemy’s first point of attack was the marriage of Adam and Eve. He divided them, and the first thing they realized after their rebellion was that what God had made perfect had now become damaged.
Usually we call this story the “the fall.” I think the term is too passive. Adam and Eve did more than fall. They rebelled. They committed divine treason. They declared their independence and rejected their Creator.
And here is what we need to understand: This rebellion continues to have an impact on all of creation. It has left every human being broken. And that brokenness has affected every aspect of creation, including our sexuality.
Here’s the bottom line: Because of our rebellion against God, all of us have some type of disordered and ungodly sexual desire.
All in the same boat
Before sin came into the world, there was no lust. Adam never lusted. There was no adultery. There was no fornication. There was no pornography. There was no homosexuality. But when sin came into the world, sex was broken.
Your disordered sexual desire may be different than mine, but we’re all in the same boat. Sexual brokenness may manifest itself as sexual selfishness, where sex is used as a way to control or manipulate someone else. It may be sexual indifference in marriage—a lack of desire to be intimate with the spouse God has given you. It can be the desire to watch movies or television shows that stir up lustful, sexual passion inside of you. These are all ways that broken people demonstrate their ongoing rebellion against God’s design for human sexuality.
Men and women who continually seek sexual conquest are manifesting their sexual brokenness and rebellion. We see it in solo sex, in the widespread use of pornography, and in any variety of sexual addictions, or anonymous sex, or homosexuality, or other activities that reveal just how deeply broken and rebellious we are in this area.
Any time you engage in any kind of passion-stirring sexual behavior outside of marriage, you are declaring to God that you are going your own way. God tells us, “Look, I’ve got a gift for you. But it is a good gift only within these boundaries.” But we say, “No, I want to use it over here!” What we’re really saying to God is, “I know better than You.”
If it’s broken, can we fix it?
There are three important points to understand here:
First, just because sexual brokenness is part of our fallen nature, this does not give us an excuse for engaging in sinful behavior. You can’t say, “I’m broken in this area, so I’m not responsible.” As with any other sinful behavior, we have a choice about our actions.
Second, we can’t “fix” our brokenness on our own. Healing can only occur through the saving grace of Christ. Forgiveness and salvation are possible only through Him. Only He can cure our rebellious nature.
Finally, as we live daily with sexual brokenness, we must keep short accounts with God and repeatedly repent of sin and reaffirm our belief in the gospel. First John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This is not a one-time cleansing; because we sin regularly, we must repent regularly.
The longing of your soul
Our souls crave the intimacy and the rightness of the sexual experience God created us for, but we settle for cheap substitutes. And in the end those substitutes always disappoint, because they fall short of what God intended.
What’s most important is being in a right relationship with God, where He satisfies the longing of our souls, and provides the sanctifying grace that we need. Only as we yield to Him and trust Him will we recognize the goodness of His gift of sex.
Scott Jennings never dreamed he would cross the line. But somehow it happened.
He was unhappy at home. He loved Sherry, but … well, she was the boss at her work, and she acted like the boss at home. When things needed to be done, she would tell Scott what to do. And he got tired of it.
He wasn’t one to talk about his emotions. So he turned inward. He would escape to the fire station—where he was a volunteer fire fighter—and start drinking.
Things got worse after the Jennings’ son, Steven, was born in 1995. Sherry wanted to be supermom and Scott was happy to let her do it. Soon he avoided being around Sherry and Steven altogether. If Sherry went to bed early with Steven, Scott stayed up late and watched TV.
He often pretended that a call had come in from the volunteer fire department, but when he left the house he would head to a local bar instead. That’s where he became friends with people who seemed to really understand him.
Scott also turned to a woman at work for a listening ear. Eventually they went to a motel together. He never thought he would be the type of person to cheat on his wife. But he did.
He had stepped into a world of repeated lies, affairs, and deceit. Scott Jennings was living a double life.
In 2002 Sherry grew tired of waiting up at nights for Scott. She was weary of the crying, the arguing, the making up, and then repeating the cycle again. She knew there was more to life than this. She started attending a local church and, at times, Scott reluctantly joined her.
Over the course of several months Sherry came to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior. She begged Him to heal her marriage.
For years Sherry had believed her husband’s lies about working late and answering alarms for the fire department. But in 2004 she could no longer avoid the truth. She knew something was terribly wrong in her marriage.
She found an unfamiliar phone number on her husband’s cell phone and drove to the local address that matched it. Sure enough, Scott’s truck was parked outside an apartment complex. With the remote to his truck in her hand, she set the horn off, which brought him outside to silence it.
And that’s when Scott’s double life fell apart.
When he saw Sherry, he claimed he was just visiting a friend before he came home. Sherry didn’t believe it. She knew that Scott was trying to cover up the fact that she had caught him with another woman. She told him that it was time to go, that she was his wife and they needed to talk.
Scott followed Sherry to their house. They talked in the backyard for about an hour. He told her that he was depressed. He had it all—a loving wife, child, and house—and yet he didn’t want it. He seemed confused and told Sherry that he felt trapped by her and their son, Steven. He said that he wanted his freedom.
Sherry decided to give her husband space. She hoped and prayed that things would somehow work out in their marriage. Scott, on the other hand, went on several trips with his girlfriend and spent large amounts of time drunk or under the influence of prescription drugs.
End of a marriage
One night, when Scott was leaving his girlfriend’s apartment, he discovered that his truck was gone. “I hoped that it had been towed or stolen,” Scott says, “but in my gut I knew that I had been caught again.”
His girlfriend drove him home, where he found the truck. As soon as he walked into the house, he said, “I started in on Sherry and was very verbally abusive and angry.” She told him he could no longer live in the house since he was not living as part of the family.
Scott was stunned by his wife’s words. He packed a bag and left in anger, tearing up part of the yard as he drove away from the house.
Sherry reluctantly filed for divorce and eventually followed through with it. The final divorce proceeding was on September 21, 2005—their fourteenth wedding anniversary.
Scott and Sherry drove to the courthouse together, and he played a CD with teachings about marriage. He hoped this might lead Sherry to change her mind, but it did not. “I angrily went through the proceedings and spent the rest of the day drunk and stoned,” Scott says. “I think I was in a state of shock.”
After the divorce
Two days later, when Scott called to say goodnight to his son, he also talked to Sherry. His girlfriend complained that he spent too much time on the phone with his ex-wife. Even he was surprised by his response. “The fact was that I still did love Sherry.”
Scott’s girlfriend was livid. She punched him in the eye and told him to leave. He gathered all of his belongings, meekly called Sherry, and asked if he could store them in the garage. When he arrived at the house after midnight with his meager belongings, he wanted to see Steven. Sherry refused, and Scott became belligerent. He threatened Sherry with a lawsuit and left.
With just a few items of clothing and a six-pack of beer, he checked into a cheap motel. As soon as he got into his room, he called Sherry and berated her. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. “Everything that I had held dear was gone,” he says.
“When he called me for the second or third time,” Sherry says, “I tried to honor him and not yell at him.” Finally, she contacted Scott’s sister, Nancy, a pastor’s wife, thinking she might be able to talk some sense into her brother.
Nancy convinced Scott to open the Gideon Bible in the room’s nightstand drawer. As she read from the book of Isaiah, he followed along. Tears filled his eyes when he recited Isaiah 55:7: “Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, for He will freely pardon.”
A changed man
Wanting to get away from reminders of his failures, Scott decided to drive to his mother’s condo in North Carolina. He knew she was visiting family, and he could be alone for a while. He called his boss and said he was quitting his job and moving out of state. His boss was empathetic and wished him well. “I didn’t see how things could possibly work out,” Scott says.
On the road, he hit the radio’s scan button and heard a preacher ask if anyone was listening who didn’t know which way to turn next. “It sounded like he was speaking directly to me.”
The preacher asked the listeners, “Do you want to climb out of the pit of darkness towards the light?” He explained how to repent and give Jesus Christ control, and Scott felt a deep sense of remorse for his wrongdoing. He repeated a simple “sinner’s prayer” to indicate his decision to receive Christ as his Savior and Lord. “I said the prayer and I literally felt different right afterward,” he says. “I felt like I had been carrying so much anger.”
Scott realized that his struggles with drugs and alcohol could be traced to his anger at God for allowing his father to die—just three years after he and Sherry got married. “Somewhere along the line I made the decision that I wasn’t going to talk about it [his father’s death] anymore.”
At the same time, as a volunteer fireman he had learned how to keep things to himself. He wouldn’t talk to anyone about the horrendous things that he often witnessed. “There was one particularly horrible wreck, and for a long time I would look at people’s faces and see one of the victims.”
He drank to avoid the pain. And when his alcohol use became obvious to co-workers, he started to abuse prescription drugs.
The sights, the smells, and the sounds of death haunted Scott until the day his life changed on his way to North Carolina. God doesn’t do this for everyone, Scott says, “but I physically let it [the anger and pain] go. All of those things were gone.”
A Weekend to Remember®
After Scott reached his mother’s house, his sister Nancy and brother-in-law Douglas (who lived nearby) came to see him. “I told them that I had come to accept Christ,” Scott says. He had started reading the Bible regularly, and they realized he was sincere.
Over the next week, news of Scott’s faith reached Sherry. They began studying Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life together, discussing chapters every day by e-mail and then by phone. Scott told Sherry that he wanted to rebuild their relationship, but this time with God in control and at the center. Sherry said she wanted the same thing, realizing “This is the Christian husband that God has for me.” Sherry hoped that someday she and Scott would remarry “But we needed to do it God’s way.”
Sherry had heard about FamilyLife’s marriage conference on the radio—how it helped couples understand and apply God’s blueprints for their marriage. She told Scott, “We aren’t going one more step until we find a Weekend to Remember.” A few days later, Scott registered them for one in Philadelphia.
When the Jennings began their conference weekend, Scott wanted to do everything that he could to deepen his relationship with Jesus Christ and his wife. He wanted to show Sherry that she and God were his main priorities.
The first session of the conference introduces the concept of isolation in marriage, and the common factors that contribute to it. “That session was difficult,” Sherry says, “as we listened to all the familiar ways we broke our marriage and built walls of isolation.”
During the remainder of the weekend, the Jennings heard about God’s plan for marriage, and learned about practical communication tools for improving their relationship. They saw that God had been working in their relationship in ways they didn’t dream of. “We left that weekend knowing that God was using all the trials, tribulations, and ugliness, all our bad decisions from the past 14 years,” Sherry says, “to bring us … to a place to accept each other.”
They prayed that God would lead them in reconciliation and restoration, and also that they would follow and honor Him. Eventually they remarried, on May 5, 2007.
Today, Scott and Sherry not only promote the Weekend to Remember in North Carolina as FamilyLife volunteers, but also lead a marriage ministry in their church.
Sherry says that she now knows the truth about marriage. It’s “about choosing each day, each minute, to honor God with our words and actions, and in turn, we honor our spouses.” She says that God created Scott specifically for her. “How can I not love, honor, and treasure a perfect gift from my perfect God?”
Do you remember the first time it happened? You caught one another’s eyes, and then you looked a second time. Something inside you wanted to glance a third time, followed quickly by a fourth lingering look.
You didn’t want to stare, but something irresistibly drew you to that other person. When you were introduced, your palms were sweaty and you hoped no one noticed the increased perspiration under your arms. Your heart began to race as an exhilarating but unfamiliar feeling swept over you.
You were suddenly afraid to say anything because you knew that if you opened your mouth, out would flow incomprehensible babble. The experience was exciting and terrifying at the same time.
As the other person began to speak, you felt drawn like a magnet to a steel ingot. You didn’t know her or where she came from, but something about the way she looked and the aura that she projected triggered an unexplainable feeling of euphoria and excitement. Her smile or a tiny gesture became instantly engraved in your mind. You knew you would never forget her. For an instant you wondered how you would describe this moment to a friend. Then a phrase came to mind, as if by magic, provided by countless hours of exposure to the Hollywood formula—“I think I’m falling in love.”
You’ve been there. I’ve been there. No doubt we all agree that those are thrilling moments, especially if we sense a similar response from the other person. But is it really love?
How do you know whether what I just described is the beginning of the greatest relationship you will ever experience on earth or simply an episode of infatuation?
How do you know if you’re really in love or simply physically attracted to a member of the opposite sex?
The following 12 tests will help you understand if you are truly in love. But this is not just for single people who are dating or those who are engaged. If you’re married and you are tempted to say, “I’ve been married for 27 years, so what’s this got to do with me?” please think again. Failure to understand the difference between love and infatuation goes well beyond finding the right person. Unless you understand the radical difference between love and infatuation, you may set yourself up for devastation in your future years of marriage.
If you believe that what we will call infatuation is the real test of love, you may be in a very good relationship but feel unloved. Your skewed expectations may be robbing you of a rich, warm, and deep relationship. Furthermore, if you are unclear about the difference between love and infatuation, you may find yourself getting unintentionally connected to a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, naively concluding that you’ve now found “true love.”
Each of the following tests is designed to help you discern and distinguish between love and infatuation. After you read each statement, apply it to your present relationship, or to your expectations of what a love relationship should include. Ask yourself: Is my current relationship or my view of relationships more in alignment with love or with infatuation in this particular area?
1. The test of time. Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Are you in a rush to label certain feelings “love,” or do you have other words to describe these feelings? Do you save the word love for something better than feelings? If you find yourself “falling in love” often and early, only to be later disappointed, perhaps remembering this first test of real love will save you future heartache.
2. The test of knowledge. Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. How well do you expect to know the person you marry? Or how well do you know your spouse? Infatuation quickly decides it knows everything it needs to know. Genuine love creates an atmosphere of such interest that the other person opens like a flower.
3. The test of focus. Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. In your most important relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is your attention focused on meeting the other’s needs?
4. The test of singularity. Genuine love is focused on only one person. An infatuated individual may be “in love” with two or more persons simultaneously. In what ways have you realized that it’s much easier to work on problems in an existing relationship where singularity and faithfulness are maintained than to create a whole new set of problems with another person?
5. The test of security. Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to problems. Security grows and flows out of deep awareness of the other person’s character, values, and track record.
6. The test of work. An individual in love works for the other person, for his or her mutual benefit. People in infatuation only think of their own misery. They often daydream of unrealistic objectives and ideals that neither they nor their partner could ever actually attain.
7. The test of problem solving. A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore problems. How good are you and your partner at seeing problems and working on them? Do you find that you gloss over hard issues in your relationship or face them squarely?
8. The test of distance. Love knows the importance of distance. Infatuation imagines love to be intense closeness, 24/7, all the time. If circumstances require you to be temporarily separated from the one you love, that will teach you a lot about the quality of your relationship. If there is not a sense of separateness, a distinct life, relationships with other people, and healthy balance, then the relationship is probably a lot more infatuation than love.
9. The test of physical attraction. Physical attraction is a relatively small part of genuine love, but it is the center focus of infatuation. Now don’t read “small part” to mean “not a part” in what I just stated. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat now and then and you don’t feel real attraction for your mate or the person you plan to marry, I’d call that a problem.
10. The test of affection. In love, affection is expressed later in the relationship, involving the external expression of the physical attraction we just described. In infatuation affection is expressed earlier, sometimes at the very beginning. Affection tends to push toward greater physical intimacy. Without the control of the other aspects of genuine love, affection spends itself quickly. It gives the appearance of making the relationship “close,” but the closeness is artificial and fragile.
11. The test of stability. Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. In infatuation the wind blows here and you’re in love. The wind blows there and you’re in love. Not so with real love. Real love is stable. There is a commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks.
12. The test of delayed gratification. A couple in genuine love is not indifferent to the timing of their wedding, but they do not feel an irresistible drive toward it. An infatuated couple tends to feel an urge to get married—instantly. Postponement for the infatuated is intolerable.
Lasting love
Isn’t it amazing how much Hollywood has influenced your thinking and mine? I hope these tests helped you see more clearly the differences between love and infatuation. They will continue to offer you help in your present relationships, your future ones, and your marriage.
One of the amazing things about my relationship with my wife is that I keep falling in love with her. In fact, the longer and the better I learn to love her, the more I discover that the brain chemicals work in ways I never could have predicted even 10 years ago. It’s not that we’re pitting love against infatuation—it’s simply that we want to understand the difference so we can enjoy each one in its special place in a relationship.
You see, love in a lasting relationship is not a long, gradual decline from the peak of our heady initial romance. Lasting love is more like standing where the ocean meets the shore—the waves keep coming in. Not every wave of emotion is the same, and that turns out to be very interesting and exciting. But it takes time and commitment to discover the wonder of a lasting relationship.
Yes, the waves and tides ebb and flow. But when we know what love really is, we also know that the waves and the tide will return. So stay at the beach! Learn to “read the waves.” Work through the relational issues and enjoy the varied sounds and passion of the crashing or softly lapping surf. Too many people walk away from relationships without ever getting their feet wet!
After having four wonderful children, my wife, Jill, and I were very grateful to God for the blessing each one had become to us. But as we opened our hearts before the Lord and prayed about His will for our family, we could sense that He still had much more in store for us if we would be willing to trust Him. We couldn’t shake that feeling that there were still empty chairs around the table.
As Jill and I talked about this, she started talking about adoption. Personally, I had supported the idea of adoption in a general sense. I know God calls us all to care for widows and orphans. But when it came to our own family, I wasn’t so sure. I had heard stories about adoptions not always going well and I didn’t want to mess up the good thing God had already entrusted to us.
A few months later, Jill and I were sitting on an airplane, flying to New York to approve the final master of the movie Courageous. I was reading in John 10 about the Lord being our good shepherd. I started thinking about my role as a father, being a shepherd to my children. And then I got to verse 16: “I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also … so there will be one flock, one shepherd.”
In that moment, God spoke to my heart very clearly. I know that this passage is about the Gentiles being included in the gospel. But God used it right then to show me His heart as a Shepherd over my little flock. I took a deep breath and turned to Jill and said, “I think God wants us to be open to adoption.”
As usual, she was already there—just waiting quietly for the Lord to say the same thing to her husband. I picked up my pen and wrote “adoption” next to John 10:16 and dated it.
Indecision
Two years passed. Jill and I had completed all of our adoption paperwork and were traveling with a group from our church. While sitting on the tour bus, an email popped into my cell phone with our first adoption referral. I was elated. There was a picture of an adorable little girl. We were asked, “Do you want to adopt this child?”
We excitedly looked at her medical condition and prayed together, but there was a clear problem. There was no peace in my heart. I wrestled for hours wondering what was wrong with me. Am I afraid? What will happen to this girl if I say “No”?
I called our adoption rep and asked her what we should do. She said, “This is too big of a decision, Stephen. If it’s not a clear ‘Yes’ from the Lord, then it’s a ‘No.’” So, with fear and trembling, I sent an awkward email and closed the door. Jill cried.
Over the next few weeks, two more referrals came and went. Same situation. Each a precious child. Each an emotional battle of research, prayer, and indecision. But no peace. No “Yes.” More awkward emails. What is wrong with me?
I called our adoption agency and asked how this process is supposed to work. He said that sometimes people may turn down one or two referrals. But he advised Jill and me to do whatever the Lord led us to do. I agreed.
But that is not always so easy. If we are not careful, the fear of man can kick in. What will other people think of me if I keep turning away these cute little orphans that keep being sent to my door? I thought. Didn’t we say God wanted us to adopt? I told Jill that we should not worry about others and keep trusting the Lord.
The one we were waiting for
A fourth referral came. Again, no peace. I turned it down. Jill cried. What was supposed to be a joyous journey had turned into an emotional roller coaster that I wanted to get off of. The agency quit sending referrals. And to be honest, I was somewhat relieved.
March 2013. A fifth referral landed in my inbox. A little, 2-year-old girl in Nanjing, China. When Jill and I saw her, there was an unexpected peace that came over us. It was as though the Lord said, “This is who you have been waiting for.”
She was born with a deadly heart condition. We learned that her birth mother likely couldn’t afford the expensive heart surgeries and had to decide whether to keep her and let her die, or give her up to save her life. She had placed all of her birth information with her in a basket, wrapped her daughter in a red blanket (which in China means “good luck” and “I love you”) and left her outside of a bank with the papers about her needed surgery.
Though her physical condition had been severe, I felt completely right in my heart about adopting this little girl. I turned to Jill and said, “I really like her.”
“Me, too,” she said.
“Do you have a peace about this?
“Yes.”
“Me too.”
With joyful tears forming in my eyes, I said, “I think we are about to adopt a baby girl.”
Her file said she was born on February 14, 2011. Jill said, “She was born on Valentine’s Day with a broken heart.”
Recognizing God’s prompting
I sent the un-awkward email and we locked everything in. A few weeks later, Jill asked me, “When did God tell you that we were supposed to adopt?”
I wasn’t sure, so I thumbed through my Bible, looking for John 10:16. When I opened up the page, there was the word, ADOPTION next to that verse. And there was the date next to it: February 14, 2011. The day that she was born in China was the same day that God had told me on the airplane, “I want you to adopt.”
I was overwhelmed in awe of the Lord.
We later discovered that on the day in June 2011 when we were prompted to pray for our future child, she was having her life-saving heart surgery.
The Lord led us to name her “Mia.” We chose that name because in Greek, Mia means one (Ephesians 4:5). When we arrived in China to get Mia, we discovered that her mother had given her the Chinese name that also means one. What are the chances?
As we hold our new daughter and see Mia blooming in our family, we can clearly trace God’s handiwork through our adoption journey. It’s vividly clear that He’s been saying, “I’m in this.” After all, He describes Himself in Psalm 68:5-6, as “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families…”
We are reminded again that we can always trust Him with all of our hearts and not rely on our own feeble understanding. If we always acknowledge Him, He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Early in our marriage, my husband and I started attending a church where we were placed in a small group with other young families. One week our leader asked the group two questions: What do you admire most about your spouse? And what is one thing that you would like to change about yourself that would make your marriage better?
The answers to these questions revealed burning issues underneath the surface of their glowing faces. Although I have no doubt that each husband and wife loves his or her spouse, there were relationship problems building already, even though most of them have been married a short time.
One of the most poignant examples was John, who confessed to shutting out his wife, Mary, because he was drained from going to school while also earning a living. “I want to get back to being the man I was when she married me,” John said, turning to look at Mary. She smiled awkwardly, and then turned away, attempting to cover her weeping eyes.
Another couple, married less than a year, confessed they felt they were already growing apart due to spending too much time with friends and activities, and not enough time with each other.
It isn’t that these husbands and wives are angry at each other or don’t love each other; they just haven’t had anyone show them how to have a healthy, biblical marriage. Their problems can be remedied with the right teaching, but unless there is someone to show them the right road, how will they ever find it?
Historically, it was parents that took a role in shaping the lives of young couples, but in recent years, our society has veered away from dependence on extended family. In addition to that, parents often come from a background of divorce and have a difficult time understanding marriage themselves. As a result, they find it hard to mentor their children in an area where they have been hurt or don’t understand.
That’s why mentoring is so important—someone must fill the void. Mentoring takes place when older married couples in the church are willing to invest in the lives of younger people, showing them what marriage is meant to be. Sometimes it involves guiding and teaching in a private setting; other times, it just involves a willingness to share.
What young couples need is you
Young couples need growing husbands and wives to step into their lives, bringing wisdom. As our society has become more focused on personal rights, we tend to shy away from teaching others about life. After all, we don’t want to “force our feelings onto someone else” or “judge them when I am just as guilty.” But this is not about “forcing” or “judging,” it’s about feeding the hungry and healing the sick. In Titus 2:2-8, Paul specifically encourages the older in the church to teach the younger:
Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.
Mature couples may feel they are not qualified to mentor, especially when their own marriage isn’t perfect. But the mentor relationship isn’t about perfection; it’s about growing.
Jerry and Naoma McCartney of Little Rock, Ark., have mentored dozens of couples in the past five years through newlywed small groups, marriage preparation classes, and friendships with young people. Jerry explains being a mentor in the terms of a baseball coach: “You may not have been the best at baseball, but you know more than a first-grader does, even if you just teach him to stand at the plate.”
If you are in a growing, Bible-centered marriage, then you may be a perfect candidate to mentor couples in your congregation.
Shane Fookes, a previous staff member of Familylife, has completed hours of research and compiled thousands of survey results regarding the meaning and definition of mentoring and its value in the culture. Fookes introduces his explanation of mentoring with this statement:
No matter how you define mentoring, the strength of the concept is firmly rooted in the power of relationship. In our culture, many are under the mistaken impression that the way to produce spiritually mature Christians (or good marriages) is to enroll people in a course. We give them books on the subject. We take them to passages of Scripture. We hand out assignments and worksheets. Certainly these are good things. But people need more—they need someone who cares about them enough to encourage them, share skills with them, and help them apply all these to meet their specific needs. This is the heart of mentoring.
The McCartneys agree that mentoring is more about relationship than a regimented schedule. “It’s really about being a sister or brother in Christ,” Naoma says. “There will be times when you have to pray with that person and speak the truth in love, but it’s difficult to do that if there is no relationship established between you.”
David and Michelle Ready of El Cajon, Calif., is another couple that is involved in a mentoring ministry. The Readys have been officially mentoring young couples in their church for more than 3 years and unofficially for more than 10. “Mentoring is a lot like discipleship,” David says. “You live out what the scripture says, and in doing so you become an encouragement to others around you.”
There are many ways to be a mentor, but in this article, we will cover three main methods: Casual relationships, small group leadership, and one-on-one relationships with specific goals.
Casual relationships
The first type of mentoring takes place in causal relationships. By casual relationships, I mean co-mingling with young couples, getting involved in their lives as a friend and living example of what a godly marriage looks like on a day-to-day basis.
In this type of relationship, it’s important to be aware of the young couples that run in your church circles. If you aren’t currently involved in areas of the church with young couples, get in a place where you co-mingle with them, like the nursery or young marrieds’ activities. You may also discover that the young married couples like to congregate in certain areas of the lobby or sanctuary. Start sitting with them or talking with them after services.
The key here is to learn to be available. If a young person sees that you care, he or she will be more willing to open up to you. David and Michelle experienced the benefits of this type of relationship at their church.
Michelle witnessed a young couple squabbling at the church. The husband turned to Michelle, asking what to do, so she told him to hug his wife. When the young man refused because he “didn’t feel like it.” Michelle honestly confessed, “I hug David when I don’t feel like it.” The young man was appalled that a couple with “problems” would be in marriage ministry. Michelle shared with him that everyone has problems in marriage, but a healthy marriage is one that continues to build and work through the problems.
As a result, this couple has never officially met with the Readys one-on-one, but they continue to come to them with questions about marriage, parenting, and even the occasional “thank you for your help.”
Mentoring through casual relationships requires a willingness to be genuinely interested in others’ lives and asking questions. It also requires that you are willing to share your own experiences honestly and openly. If you find that a young person is experiencing similar issues that you’ve faced, share how you worked things out. Then make it a point to check in with them in a few weeks.
Leading small groups
The second type of mentoring takes place through leading a small group. Many churches are using the small group format to create a tighter community in the congregation. FamilyLife has developed a small group study specifically for marriages called the The Art of Marriage Connect, available for purchase.
Leading a small group can be the starting point for building deeper relationships. If you have been developing casual relationships, then this is an ideal format to begin teaching them God’s plan for marriage. Biblical teaching in small groups can help start young marrieds on the right foot, and the practical side can help them through issues they face daily.
The small group format also creates a safe environment for couples to open up on a deeper level and helps keep struggling marriages accountable.
In Fookes’ research on mentoring, he states the value of premarital and marital education through mentoring:
The body of evidence supporting pre-marital and early marital education is especially compelling. The same research has highlighted mentoring relationships as the most successful means of providing education.
David says that their small group is valuable because it “allows us to reach out in a way that isn’t imposing. We teach general marriage principles so that those who are new at marriage can begin learning God’s principles, and then from there, we let those couples who are struggling come to us for help.”
One on One mentoring
That leads us to the third type of mentoring, which takes place one-on-one. This kind of relationship is more time-consuming, but it’s much deeper. When you’re ready to start mentoring a couple one-on-one, look for one that God puts on your heart. Usually all you need to do is make yourself available as a mentor, and young couples will request to meet with you.
In the Readys’ case, Michelle says, “We want them to come to us because we want to help those who want to be helped. These are the couples who will be willing to take the blinders off and grow.” In order to get the word out about their mentoring process, the Readys set up booths, make announcements in the men’s and women’s ministries, distribute flyers in the bulletin, and have a strong presence on the church’s web site. The church sends out weekly e-mails to the congregation, in which Pastors often encourage couples to participate in the mentoring program. The method that works best, however, is word of mouth referral.
Once a couple decides to meet with you regularly, set a schedule. It can be once a week, once a month, or once every three months. There is no magic number of times to meet or for a certain length of time. You may choose to go through a Bible study together to begin with, and that will help you set a pace.
Whether you go through a study together or not, remember to speak the truth in love, but at the same time be teachable. “There will be times when they ask you questions that you don’t know the answer to,” Jerry says, “but that is what forces you to find out what the answers are.”
Also, always be willing to share the struggles and lessons you’ve learned in your own marriage. By doing this, you are encouraging couples that they are not alone. They will see that you’ve been in their situation, and you made it through. “This is where mentoring is different than counseling,” David says. “A counselor or pastor has to guard his or her past. If it gets out to the wrong person, it can be misunderstood or misconstrued, but a mentor doesn’t have that pressure.”
No matter how deeply you decide to get involved in the lives of young couples, the results are worth your effort. The Bible is full of successful examples of great men of God who were molded and shaped by a mentor. There was Samuel and David, Elijah and Elisha, Barnabas and Paul, Paul and Timothy…the list goes on.
I once heard a friend say that the only thing you can take with you to heaven is people. When we take our time and resources to invest in the marriage of a couple who will live out their marriage to the glory of God, then you have just made an investment that will last eternity.
My husband, Jake, is a mechanic, and he never knows what will pull into our driveway—Cadillac or logging truck, Volkswagen or bulldozer. The variety is as endless as the men and women who bring them. Sadly, many of these people are in worse disrepair than their vehicles. Yet they keep their malfunctioning parts locked inside, and they back away from close contact.
That’s why this year was so exciting. Three unsaved men who brought their vehicles to Jake allowed him to introduce them to their Maker. First, there was Derek, a 47-year-old builder who came to install some trim in exchange for car repairs.
Although Jake was heading out on a service call when Derek arrived, he decided to leave his truck running to quickly greet Derek. Jake felt prompted to ask deeper questions when Derek admitted he “wasn’t doing very well.” As Jake’s truck engine idled, Derek trusted Jesus as his Savior and both men wept. Then Derek hurried away to tell his wife and other close friends. Derek’s enthusiasm for Bible reading was instantly turbo charged, and he began looking for ways to serve in the church. He discovered that he enjoys helping with the youth.
Next was Robert, a young man from the Indian reservation who kept returning to Jake’s shop. He brought loads of firewood and eventually asked if he could become a paid handyman. Robert began expressing that he noticed something different about Jake—something he was missing in his own life.
After sharing some Scriptures with Robert one afternoon, Jake gave him a gospel tract. The next morning Robert returned beaming. “I did it, buddy … I’m saved!” Although Robert continues to be stalled by some tough life decisions and has trouble shifting out of some harmful gears, he seems to be slowly rolling in the right direction.
Something went wrong
Finally there was Jason, another part-time worker who won Jake’s confidence with his efficiency. After helping Jake for several weeks, Jason came to work distraught because his girlfriend had left him. Jake instantly changed his plans for the day and treated Jason to a two-hour lunch, including a heartfelt presentation of the gospel.
Obviously moved, Jason chose to ask Christ to be his Savior. He immediately began attending a Bible study and asked thoughtful questions about spiritual things. Jake was elated. “After so many times of witnessing and getting no response, it’s incredible for this to happen three times in a row,” he said. “Thanks, Lord!”
But within months, something went terribly wrong. Jake’s ashen face registered shock one morning. “My tools,” he gasped. “The new die grinder and battery jumper box … they’re gone!” I followed him back into his large shop, wondering if they’d somehow been misplaced. Jake pointed to a bare shelf by the phone and explained, “The phone cord was disconnected when the jumper box was yanked out.”
“How did they break in?” I asked.
Jake’s shoulders sagged. “He used his key,” he sighed. “Yesterday, when he knew we were in church.”
My thoughts whirled. “But—how do you know it was Jason?” I asked.
“I just know,” Jake replied. “He’s been slipping lately. First, he said he couldn’t possibly maintain God’s standards of purity in his dating relationships. Then, I had to send him home a couple of weeks ago because of his temper—he was cursing and throwing things. I also had him return my shop key, but he must have made a duplicate. He came back on Saturday to ask for money, so I loaned him some and took the opportunity to encourage him in his Christian walk.”
Jake shook his head. “His ideas are totally confused! He now says that instead of believing the gospel, he thinks God has a three-strikes-and-you’re-out plan. He claims that people see a welcoming light at the end of a tunnel when they die, and then they’re given a couple of more chances to clean their act up.”
We were forced to conclude that Jason’s original profession of faith could not have been genuine. What had seemed to be a smoothly running engine was really cold and dead. Jake had labored to help Jason, giving time, concern, and prayers, and he was hurt. His shattered trust was a harder blow than the stolen tools.
I was also disappointed. When people claim to be saved and on fire for God, it’s hard to see some of them crash before the test drive is through. And then, sometimes others whose start is shaky surprisingly stay on track and go the distance.
Out of our control
We are reminded in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13) that we have the privilege of planting the seeds of God’s Word, but the outcome is out of our control. Vehicles are easier to diagnose and repair than the human heart.
Thankfully, God is the One who actually regenerates each soul. Time helps reveal evidence of this supernatural work, and as we wait, we can trust these words from Paul: “I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase” (1 Corinthians 3:6).
Eventually, Jason turned up to apologize for stealing the tools. Jake still hopes that this young man will someday realize his need for the Savior.
Copyright 2013 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
Editor’s Note: On the June 4-6, 2012, FamilyLife Today broadcasts, host Dennis Rainey and co-host Bob Lepine interview Voddie Baucham Jr. They discuss his book Family Shepherds and refer to the chapter below. We hope that it will encourage you.
Being a single mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world. God designed the family in such a way that it takes two to make a child—which also means that, ideally, it takes two to raise one.
However, the reality of the fall—as well as the unpredictability of God’s providence—means that families are never ideal. Sometimes that means women are left to raise their children alone.
How, then, do we apply the patterns outlined in this book to the single mother? Or is it even possible? What’s the role of the church in the process? What about the extended family?
As usual, the Bible hasn’t left us in the dark on the matter. God most assuredly has a heart for the widow and the orphan. “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation” (Ps. 68:5; see also Lev. 19:10; Deut. 14:29; 16:11; 24:19-21; 26:12-13). And we would do well to apply this compassion of God to our own response in helping single mothers in this area.
In the Old Testament
The Old Testament is replete with examples of God’s care for widows and orphans—and of judgment upon those who oppress them. In fact, one of his principle grievances against his people Israel—resulting eventually in their captivity—was that “they do not bring justice to the fatherless, and the widow’s cause does not come to them”(Isa. 1:23).
And yet at times Israel was a shining example of benevolence to widows and orphans. We see this in many ways, but the two principle means were the gleaning laws (Lev. 19:10) and levirate marriage (Gen. 38:6-26; Deut. 25:5-10). In both provisions we see a clear picture of the difficulty inherent in raising children alone and the importance of the community of faith in lightening the load.
Much could be said about the Old Testament practice of taking care of widows, orphans, foreigners, Levites, and the poor. However, the question we must ponder is, how does this translate in the New Covenant? How do we help single mothers today? Specifically, how do we help them exercise their role as family shepherds?
The New Testament gives us the framework.
In the New Testament
The clearest expression of the New Testament approach to ministry toward widows (and, by extension, to orphans) is found in Paul’s first epistle to Timothy:
Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. Command these things as well, so that they may be without reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Tim. 5:3-8)
There’s much more in these verses than we can unpack here, and the issues addressed go far beyond this book’s purpose. Nevertheless, we see a pattern that gives us a framework for thinking through our approach to family shepherding in the context of a single-parent home.
The text outlines three main levels of responsibility. The first is that of the nuclear family. The second that of the extended family. The third and final level of responsibility is that of the faith community. These levels of responsibility don’t change simply because a father is absent from the home. Therefore, single mothers need to keep them in mind.
Level one responsibility: the nuclear family
First, there’s a man’s responsibility to his immediate family. Paul’s words in 1 Timothy 5:8 represent the strongest rebuke possible. What could the apostle possibly say to a man that would be stronger than this: “You have denied the faith and are worse than an unbeliever”? Moreover, the context here is caring for widows. Thus, Paul is leveling this charge not against a man who refuses to take care of his wife and children, but against a man who fails to care for his widowed mother! How much worse is it when a man finds himself neglecting the former?
We clearly see that the biblical lines of accountability and responsibility for family welfare begin with the nuclear family. This fact doesn’t change when a woman finds herself raising children alone. Difficult though it may be, a single mother’s first resource for the discipleship of her children is staring back at her in the mirror.
Regardless of the extenuating circumstances, a single mother must recognize that the primary responsibility for shepherding her family lies with her. A single-parent home is no less a family and has no less responsibility for raising children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4) than do other families. This means a single mother must first look to the resources she has at hand, and she must make every effort to carry out the tasks expounded upon in this book.
Level two responsibility: extended family
Second, adult children and the extended family are to care for the widow or single mother. “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God” (1 Tim. 5:4). This means brothers, uncles, and even older sons can and should be a resource for a single mother whenever possible.
This doesn’t mean she should call on extended family to bear the day-to-day burden of shepherding her family. That would violate the first principle of self-government, or one’s duty to see to the needs of one’s own household. However, there are times when a single mother needs help with a growing son, for example, when it would be very appropriate to call on a male relative for advice or intervention.
Level three responsibility: the church
Finally, there’s the responsibility of the church family. Many people are surprised to discover that Paul puts the church last, not first, in the line of defense for the widow/single mother. This is due in part to unbiblical patterns that more closely resemble the work of social welfare agencies than the New Testament church. Consequently, many Christians would be offended to have a pastor advise a single mother to call on her extended family for help before coming to the church for it. However, that’s precisely the biblical thing to do! The church is the last line of defense.
And there’s good reason for this.
The church has limited jurisdiction. God designed the world with three distinct institutions—the family, the church, and the civil government—each with specific jurisdictions. The church can no more tell a family how to run its affairs than it can tell the state how to run theirs. Certainly, the church has a responsibility to teach, admonish, warn, and guide. However, it may not govern the other jurisdictions.
Children are commanded to obey their parents, not the church (Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20). As a result, the church is limited in what it can and cannot do for families. The day-to-day discipleship of children is outside those limits.
The church has limited access. In addition to limited jurisdiction, the church has limited access when it comes to shepherding families. The issues outlined in this book are of a day-to-day nature. This is something that requires a kind of ongoing access, which would be impossible (and quite inappropriate) for the church. What can the church be expected to accomplish on a weekly basis compared to the daily pursuits outlined in this book?
Moreover, the shepherding approach outlined in this book assumes the church’s proper role—that is, what the church does in addition to (not as a substitute for) the family approach to shepherding.
The church has limited resources. Though there are myriad mega-churches in our culture, the average Christian church has less than one hundred members. And even a ten-thousand member mega-church has a limit when it comes to resources. There are only so many people, so much time, and so much money to go around. Logistically speaking, it would be impossible for any church to step in and meet all the needs of all the families lacking fathers.
This isn’t to say the church has no obligation to help; it does. Nevertheless, that help has limits. Those limits include resources, access, and—most importantly—jurisdiction. Therefore, whatever the church does to help single parent homes, it must be governed by Scripture. And what you expect from your church must be governed by God’s Word as well.
There are, however, several things the church can and must do to assist single mothers as they strive to do the work of shepherding a family alone.
Pastoral care
The entire premise of 1 Timothy 5 is based on the assumption that the pastor/elder has a duty to lead and instruct the church in matters concerning widows and single mothers. In verse 7, Paul tells Timothy to “command these things.” Moreover, the tenor of the passage indicates pastoral authority and responsibility in the matter. The apostle is giving young Timothy clear instructions that he’s to follow in his duties as pastor, which in turn translates to all those who hold the office subsequently.
Pastors serve as a resource to teach, counsel, encourage, and admonish single mothers in the matter of shepherding their families. They have neither the jurisdiction nor the influence necessary to replace a father in the home. However, they have both a duty and a tremendous opportunity to provide clear biblical instruction and encourage application. This can mean taking young men aside for one-on-one instruction, providing opportunities for single mothers to receive the same instruction given to other family shepherds in a setting more suitable for them, and instructing extended family members as to their biblical responsibility to the single mother (1 Tim. 5:4, 7).
Diaconal ministry
The subsequent paragraph in 1 Timothy 5 (w. 9-16) outlines a detailed diaconal ministry. Whereas elders are assigned the task of teaching, deacons have the responsibility of implementation (see also Acts 6). This may take the form of visitation, benevolence, or oversight. I’ve seen this type of ministry take the form of changing the oil in a single mother’s car, performing household maintenance, taking boys to ballgames, and watching children while mom gets some needed rest.2 However, there are myriad ways in which a diaconal ministry can be leveraged to offer ongoing, tangible, meaningful ministry to single mothers—much like Job, who “caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy” (Job 29:13).
Titus 2
The second chapter in Titus outlines the biblical and theological foundations for a three-pronged approach to churchwide family shepherding ministry. This is never more crucial than when it comes to single mothers. Godly, older men and women in the church, plus godly, manly elders, as well as biblically functioning homes all serve together as a tremendous environment and support for the fatherless. Those who grow up without fathers need to see families functioning around them who do have strong male leadership. This serves to show them (1) the biblical model in action, and (2) the fact that problems and difficulties are not unique to their particular situation.
The church was never intended to be a substitute for healthy family life. However, it is most assuredly designed to be an aid and buttress. Single mothers have a tremendous responsibility, and that responsibility cannot and must not be pawned off on others.
A single mother is as much a family shepherd as anyone. She must see her extended family and her church as resources to strengthen her hand. Thus, while she may in a real sense be by herself in this duty, she doesn’t truly stand alone. “He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing” (Deut. 10:18).
What does a godly man look like? (You can substitute the phrase “manly man” for “godly man.” The two are the same.)
Is he broad-shouldered, self-confident, tough, successful? Is he powerful, committed to his purposes, able to keep in check emotions that might interfere with achieving his goals? Does he keep moving against all odds, never indulging the urge to panic or cry? Does his deepest enjoyment come more from what he has accomplished than from what he is like to be with?
That’s the traditional view: Real men are tough, tough enough to lead and make decisions and keep on moving. But for the last 10 or 20 years, that view has taken a beating.
From pulpits, in conferences, and through books, modern men have been encouraged (sometimes commanded) to show their gentle side, to become comfortable with vulnerability and emotional displays, to stop thinking of themselves as superior to women, to release that part of their humanity that longs to connect more than achieve.
Men who live by God’s design, so this thinking goes, are nicer, kinder, more considerate than we thought men were supposed to be. Aggression and power, those traditional “manly” qualities that have men out fighting the world while the ladies stay home, are now scorned as cultural mistakes, perversions of true masculinity.
Something has been lost. Something is wrong with men. Something good that God has placed within every male—something that comes alive only through regeneration—remains unreleased in most men.
As a way of introducing our understanding of manhood, let me encourage you to think of masculinity as an energy, a natural momentum within the heart of every man, a power and an urge to move into life in a particular way.
Men in whom masculine energy is suppressed or distorted are unmanly, ungodly men, however culture may regard them. Men are manly only when they live in the power of released masculine energy. Now, what on earth does that mean?
To develop a clearer idea of what “released manhood” looks like, it might be helpful first to take a brief look at an inauthentic man, someone whose manly energy remains dormant or is expressed in corrupted form.
Inauthentic man
If you are in relationship with an unmanly man, you likely will experience him as:
controlling (impersonally powerful)
destructive (or dangerous)
selfish (committed, above all else, to feeling a certain way about himself)
An unmanly man controls conversations; he manipulates family and friends; he arranges his life to avoid whatever he is not sure he can handle. He trusts no one, not deeply. He works hard to maneuver himself into a favorable light, into a position where he comes out on top or at least unchallenged.
He is not a good listener. He rarely asks meaningful questions, preferring either to offer opinions or remain quiet. No one feels pursued by him except when their friendship might work to his advantage. When he does take an interest in you, it has the feel of a car salesman asking to see a picture of your family.
And he is destructive. His words and actions harm people, though coworkers may feel encouraged and challenged for a time (sometimes a long time). Family members feel the harm soonest and most deeply but are sometimes too scared to admit it, even to themselves.
Often the veneer of goodness and affability is so thick that the harm is felt only with a cumulative power that slowly destroys, like small traces of poison in drinking water. Sometimes he actively hurts people with sarcasm and meanness, occasionally with violence. More often the damage is done by indifference and retreat, the kind of weapons that make you feel guilty or weird for feeling attacked.
The wife of an unmanly man rarely senses that she is cherished. She may never tell him so, but she more often feels used, taken for granted, or hated. His children and friends keep their distance. They’re too angry, or scared, to get close.
When masculine energy is not released, when it is either suppressed or distorted, men:
1. Feel powerless. They compensate by committing themselves to controlling something. They become AGGRESSIVE MEN.
2. Experience rage and persuade themselves that vengeance is their due. They become ABUSIVE MEN.
3. Live with a terror for which there is no resolution or escape, only relief. They dull the terror with physical pleasure and become ADDICTED MEN.
Manly men
An authentic man is very different. When the energy God has placed within a man is released:
1. The man knows he is strong, not powerless. Strong men take the initiative, even when they’re not sure what to do. Their calling to reflect God in their manner of relating compels them more than their hope for power or their fear of impotence. A manly man is not an aggressive man; he is an ACTIVE MAN, involved in offering quality relationships to others, more committed to developing a strength that others can enjoy than to achieving for himself a sense of power and control.
2. The man experiences a state of being less angry, less easily threatened. Some call it peace. For him the phrase “more than a conqueror” means something, even during life’s hard moments. A manly man’s pain doesn’t interfere with his feeling the plight of others, even when their troubles are less severe than his. He has the courage to face his experience honestly. He therefore feels the sadness of living in a fallen world, and the loneliness of living in imperfect community.
But his sadness and loneliness generate only a righteous anger, the kind that stirs compassion for people, while it remains offended by sin. A released man is not abusive; he is a GENTLE MAN, not weak, a man whose power is controlled for good purposes.
3. The man finds an answer to his terror: in FREEDOM. No matter what happens in life, manly men always find room to move. There is always something to be, even when there is nothing to do.
When their families fall apart or their businesses collapse, manly men—like unmanly men—are tempted to lash out in vengeance or to retreat into relief. But they do neither. They are drawn by the opportunity to exhibit something good, to reflect the always hopeful movement of God. They move through trials with a presence that others, more than they, notice.
Manly men are enticed by the joys of freedom, by the unhindered chance to follow the call of manhood. A manly man is not addicted; he treats his body roughly, to avoid coming under a foreign power. He fights hard against his relentless desire for pleasure. He moves according to a plan. He is a PURPOSEFUL MAN who knows what he’s about and what he can contribute to the purpose for which he is living.
Every day, we move either toward godly manhood or away from it. One of the great tragedies of our day is that so many men are walking a path that they think leads to the joys of legitimate masculinity. It may be many years before those moving in wrong directions realize that the path they have been following releases masculine energy that is more corrupt than genuine, and that this path leaves them even more powerless, bitter, and terrified. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12).
My husband and I have developed a serious conflict over how to handle his 19-year-old son (my stepson). The son recently left college and moved back home, and he now seems determined to live his own life. He doesn’t work. He doesn’t show respect to me and in fact is often hostile. Yet he expects me to provide his meals and clean his clothes. Whenever I talk to my husband about the problem, he takes the side of his son. In my mind, the son is old enough to make it on his own. The situation has become so tense that I have told my husband that he needs to make a choice of whether he wants to keep our marriage going or not. What should I do?
Dennis Rainey: There are a lot of issues here. The first is the marriage covenant. When a man and a woman come together in marriage, part of the vow says, “Forsaking all others.” That means the husband and wife will give preference to one another—even in a blended family situation. Kids need to know that there is one relationship in that family that transcends all other relationships and can’t be toyed with. They need the security of knowing that this husband and this wife are still going to be committed to one another, regardless of what happens.
I’d suggest that the husband consider taking his wife away and devising a game plan for how they will deal with this issue. He may need to ask forgiveness for failing to protect her in this situation. They need to talk through the situation—perhaps the husband fears that he will lose his relationship with his son if he cracks down. And they need to get on their knees and ask God to bring order out of chaos and bring understanding and wisdom to their souls.
Barbara Rainey: It may be that this 19-year-old young man sees that Dad is on his side and the stepmom is not. As a couple, they really need to get together and present a united front. There have been plenty of times that Dennis and I have disagreed in handling the kids. But we’ve tried to keep our mouths shut when the kids are there and talk about it later privately. We don’t present two totally different opinions in front of the kids so that they can play off one or the other.
Dennis: The wife is right—it’s time for that young man to grow up. The husband and wife need to agree and clarify to the stepson what’s appropriate and inappropriate for how he relates to his stepmother. She needs to be protected. If he doesn’t comply with your guidelines, tell him that he will need to move into his own apartment. Even if he does comply, they all need to come to an agreement about when this young man should get a job and move out on his own.
Barbara: I’m reminded of a situation that we faced as a family years ago with a child in the neighborhood who was a bully to our children. One of my thoughts at the time was, “I wish this child didn’t live near us.” But he was there, and I began to ask the Lord to give me love for him. So God began to miraculously give me a genuine compassion for the child.
In the same way, I can see how a stepmom could wish this child wasn’t in the family. But the God of the universe can put love in our hearts for people who are unlovely. Children in blended families are going to feel like they don’t belong, and they often take it out on the stepparent. So that makes it harder for the stepparent to love in return. I would encourage this mom in particular to ask God to help her love the stepson and see what the real needs of his heart are. That doesn’t mean that she has to go soft on him. But if the stepson and her husband see she genuinely loves and cares for the son, that will go a long way toward resolving the problem.
Here is a list of nine things you can do to help your children adjust to living in two homes after the divorce.
1. Work hard to respect the other parent and his or her household. Do not demean the other’s living circumstances, activities, dates, or decisions and give up the need to control your ex’s parenting style. If you have concerns, speak directly to the other parent; don’t use your child as a go-between.
2. Schedule a monthly (perhaps more often) “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters. You can address schedules, academic reports, behavioral training, and spiritual development. Do not discuss your personal life (or your ex’s); that part of your relationship is no longer appropriate. If the conversation turns away from the children, simply redirect the topic or politely end the meeting. If you cannot talk with your ex face to face due to conflict, use email or speak to the answering machine. Do what you can to make your meetings productive for the children.
3. Never ask your children to be spies or tattletales on the other home. This places them in a loyalty bind that brings great emotional distress. In fact, be happy when they enjoy the people in their new home (“I’m glad you enjoy fishing with your step-dad”). If children offer information about life in the other home, listen and stay neutral in your judgment.
4. Children should have everything they need in each home. Don’t make them bring basic necessities back and forth. Special items, like clothes, school supplies, or a comforting teddy bear, can move back and forth as needed.
5. Try to release your hostility toward the other parent so that the children can’t take advantage of your hard feelings. It’s much easier for them to manipulate you if you don’t cooperate with your ex.
6. Do not disappoint your children with broken promises. Do what you say, keep your visitation schedule as agreed, and stay active in their life.
7. Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement. Update the ex when changes need to be made to the visitation schedule. Also, inform the other parent of any change in job, living arrangements, etc. which may require an adjustment by the children.
8. Do special things with differing combinations of children. Sometimes it is tempting to only do “special activities” when all of the children are with you. That may leave some children feeling that they aren’t as special as others. So, plan some special things to do with different combinations of the kids (it’s all right if someone feels disappointed he or she wasn’t able to go). Let the lives of those living with you remain unaltered, as much as possible, when other children come for visitation. Keep toys and possessions in a private spot where they are not to be touched or borrowed unless the owner gives permission (even while they are in the other home).
9. If you and the other home cannot resolve a problem, agree to problem solving through mediation rather than litigation. The legal system tends to exacerbate between-home hostilities. Use only as a last resort.
A husband and wife who walked by faith and, consequently, left a legacy far beyond anything they could have imagined, lived in the early 1700s in colonial America. Their names were Jonathan and Sarah Edwards.
Jonathan Edwards felt God’s call to become a minister. He and his young bride began a pastorate in a small congregation. During the years that followed, he wrote many sermons, prayers, and books, and was influential in beginning the Great Awakening. Together they produced eleven children who grew into adulthood. Sarah was a partner in her husband’s ministry, and he sought her advice regarding sermons and church matters. They spent time talking about these things together, and, when their children were old enough, the parents included them in the discussions.
The effects of the Edwards’s lives have been far-reaching, but the most measurable results of their faithfulness to God’s call is found through their descendants. Elizabeth Dodds records a study done by A. E. Winship in 1900 in which he lists a few of the accomplishments of the 1,400 Edwards descendants he was able to find:
100 lawyers and a dean of a law school
80 holders of public office
66 physicians and a dean of a medical school
65 professors of colleges and universities
30 judges
13 college presidents
3 mayors of large cities
3 governors of states
3 United States senators
1 controller of the United States Treasury
1 Vice President of the United States
What kind of legacy will you and your mate leave? Will it be lasting? Will it be imperishable and eternal? Or will you leave behind only tangible items—buildings, money, and/or possessions?
The apostle Paul instructed Timothy to invest his life in faithful men who would be able to pass God’s truth on to the next generation. Where does God want you and your mate to invest the time you have been given?
Living a Life Worthy of Legacy
1. Fear the Lord and obey Him. Your legacy begins in your heart, in your relationship with God. Psalm 112:1-2 reads: “How blessed is the man who fears the LORD, Who greatly delights in His commandments. His descendants will be mighty on earth; The generation of the upright will be blessed.”
On our first Christmas together, Barbara and I gave a gift to God first. These sheets of paper became title deeds to our lives—to our marriage, to our hopes of having children, to our family, to our relationships, to our rights to our lives, to whatever ministry God gave us—we gave everything to Him.
2. Recognize the world’s needs and respond with compassion and action. In Matthew 9:36 we read: “And seeing the multitudes. He [Jesus] felt compassion for them.” You and your mate need to leave a legacy by being committed to doing something about our world. Many Christians today are walking in the middle of the road; they’re so focused on what other people think that they are unwilling to take any risks in order to make an impact for Christ. In light of this, Jamie Buckingham wrote, “The problem with Christians today is that no one wants to kill them anymore.”
When you fly over rows of houses, do you wonder how many people in those homes know Jesus? This year thirty million people will die without hearing the name of Christ. Hundreds of millions will pray to idols. Someone needs to reach these people with the Good News.
John F. Kennedy, in Profiles in Courage, described the need for courageous people: “Some men show courage throughout the whole of their lives. Others sail with the wind until the decisive moment when their conscience and events propel them into the center of the storm.” If you want to leave a lasting legacy, you need to act with courage to reach out to those in need.
3. Pray as a couple that God will use you to accomplish His purposes. As recorded in 1 Chronicles 4:10, Jabez prayed, “Oh that Thou wouldst bless me indeed, and enlarge my border, and that Thy hand might be with me, and that Thou wouldst keep me from harm.”
What did Jabez ask God to do? Bless him. Give him new turf and enlarge his sphere of influence. Keep him from temptation. Stay with him. Pray this prayer with your mate, and at the end of the year, see how different your lives will be.
4. Help your mate be a better steward of his gifts and abilities. Help your spouse recognize how God has used his gifts and abilities in the past. Serving others? Teaching the Scripture? Advising a Christian Ministry?
Help him plug into the local church, which needs committed laymen and women who have strong, godly character and a vision for their communities.
Help him recognize his convictions. Thomas Carlyle says, “Conviction is worthless until it can convert itself into daily conduct.” Help your mate determine what he is willing to die for so he can ultimately determine what he can live for.
5. Ask God to give your children a sense of purpose, direction, and mission. The challenge here is to leave your children a heritage, not just an inheritance. As someone once said, “Our children are messengers we send to a time we will not see.”
Dignity through Destiny
David Livingstone, the missionary to Africa, said, “I will go anywhere, as long as it is forward.” And by moving forward and advancing God’s kingdom, he undoubtedly also advanced his sense of dignity.
Gaining a vision and a direction in life will yield significance to your mate’s life as well, especially if the omnipotent God of the universe has set that heading and direction. In fact, true vision, direction, and destiny can come only from the One who controls not only the present but also the future. By discovering your eternal destiny, you will begin to build lasting dignity in your lives. The internal awareness of that God-ordained dignity will enhance the self-esteem of every member of your family.
The challenge is the same for all of us. Will we follow Christ and fulfill His call and vision for our lives? Just as we found spiritual life in no other Person than Jesus Christ, so we find a dignity like no other in the destiny He provides.
Never has so much been crammed into one word. Depression feels terrifying. Your world is dark, heavy, and painful. Physical pain, you think, would be much better—at least the pain would be localized. Instead, depression seems to go to your very soul, affecting everything in its path.
Dead, but walking, is one way to describe it. You feel numb. Perhaps the worst part is that you remember when you actually felt something and the contrast between then and now makes the pain worse.
So many things about your life are difficult right now. Things you used to take for granted—a good night’s sleep, having goals, looking forward to the future—now seem beyond your reach. Your relationships are also affected. The people who love you are looking for some emotional response from you, but you do not have one to give.
Does it help to know that you are not alone? These days depression affects as much as 25 percent of the population. Although it has always been a human problem, no one really knows why. But what Christians do know is that God is not silent when we suffer. On every page of Scripture, God’s depressed children have been able to find hope and a reason to endure. For example, take 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV):
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Come to God with your suffering
You can start to experience the inward renewal that the apostle Paul experienced when you come to God with your suffering. God seems far away when we suffer. You believe that He exists, but it seems as if He is too busy with everything else, or He just doesn’t care. After all, God is powerful enough to end your suffering, but He hasn’t.
If you start there, you’ll reach a dead end pretty quickly. God hasn’t promised to explain everything about what He does and what He allows. Instead, He encourages us to start with Jesus. Jesus is God the Son, and He is certainly loved by his heavenly Father. Yet Jesus also went through more suffering than anyone who ever lived!
Here we see that love and suffering can co-exist. And when you start reading the Bible and encounter people like Job, Jeremiah, and the apostle Paul, you get a sense that suffering is actually the well-worn path for God’s favorites. This doesn’t answer the question, Why are you doing this to me? But it cushions the blow when you know that God understands. You aren’t alone. If we know anything about God, we know that He comes close to those who suffer, so keep your eyes open for Him.
God speaks to you in the Bible
Keep your heart open to the fact that the Bible has much to say to you when you are depressed. Here are a few suggestions of Bible passages you can read. Read one each day and let it fill your mind as you go about your life.
Read about Jesus’ suffering in Isaiah 53 and Mark 14. How does it help you to know that Jesus is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief?
Use the Psalms to help you find words to talk to God about your heart. Make Psalm 88 and Psalm 86 your personal prayers to God.
Be alert to spiritual warfare. Depressed people are very vulnerable to Satan’s claim that God is not good. Jesus’ death on the cross proves God’s love for you. It’s the only weapon powerful enough to stand against Satan’s lies. (Romans 5:6-8, 1 John 4:9,10)
Don’t think your case is unique. Read Hebrews 11 and 12. Many have walked this path before you and they will tell you that God did not fail them.
Remember your purpose for living. (Matthew 22:37-39, 1 Corinthians 6:20, 2 Corinthians 5:15, Galatians 5:6)
Learn about persevering and enduring. (Romans 5:3, Hebrews 12:1, James 1:2-4)
What You Need to Do
Try one step at a time
Granted, it seems impossible. How can someone live without feelings? Without them you have no drive, no motivation. Could you imagine walking without any feeling in your legs? It would be impossible.
Or would it? Perhaps you could walk if you practiced in front of a large mirror and watched your legs moving. One step, wobble, another step. It would all be very mechanical, but it could be done.
People have learned to walk in the midst of depression. It doesn’t seem natural, though other people won’t notice either the awkwardness or the heroism involved. The trek begins with one step, then another. Remember, you are not alone. Many people have taken this journey ahead of you.
As you walk, you will find that it is necessary to remember to use every resource you have ever learned about persevering through hardship. It will involve lots of moment by moment choices: 1) take one minute at a time, 2) read one short Bible passage, 3) try to care about someone else, 4) ask someone how they are doing, and so on.
You will need to do this with your relationships, too. When you have no feelings, how to love must be redefined. Love, for you, must become an active commitment to patience and kindness.
Consider what accompanies your depression
As you put one foot in front of the other, don’t forget that depression doesn’t exempt you from the other problems that plague human beings. Some depressed people have a hard time seeing the other things that creep in—things like anger, fear, and an unforgiving spirit. Look carefully to see if your depression is associated with things like these:
Do you have negative, critical, or complaining thoughts? These can point to anger. Are you holding something against another person?
Do you want to stay in bed all day? Are there parts of your life you want to avoid?
Do you find that things you once did easily now strike terror in your heart? What is at the root of your fear?
Do you feel like you have committed a sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness? Remember that the apostle Paul was a murderer. And remember: God is not like other people—He doesn’t give us the cold shoulder when we ask for forgiveness.
Do you struggle with shame? Shame is different from guilt. When you are guilty you feel dirty because of what you did; but with shame you feel dirty because of what somebody did to you. Forgiveness for your sins is not the answer here because you are not the one who was wrong. But the cross of Christ is still the answer. Jesus’ blood not only washes us clean from the guilt of our own sins, but also washes away the shame we experience when others sin against us.
Do you experience low self-worth? Low self-worth points in many directions. Instead of trying to raise your view of yourself, come at it from a completely different angle. Start with Christ and His love for you. Let that define you and then share that love with others.
Will it ever be over?
Will you always struggle with depression? That is like asking, “Will suffering ever be over?” Although we will have hardships in this world, depression rarely keeps a permanent grip on anyone. When we add to that the hope, purpose, power, and comfort we find in Christ, depressed people can usually anticipate a ray of hope or a lifting of their spirits.
Frequently-Asked Questions
Is it okay to get medication?
The severe pain of depression makes you welcome anything that can bring relief. For some people, medication brings relief from some symptoms. Most family physicians are qualified to prescribe appropriate medications. If you prefer a specialist, get a recommendation for a psychiatrist, and ask these questions of your doctor and pharmacist:
How long will it take before it is effective?
What are some of the common side effects?
Will it be difficult to determine which medication is effective (if your physician is prescribing two medications)?
From a Christian perspective, the choice to take medication is a wisdom issue. It is rarely a matter of right or wrong. Instead, the question to ask is, What is best and wise?
Wise people seek counsel (your physicians should be part of the group that counsels you). Wise people approach decisions prayerfully. They don’t put their hope in people or medicine but in the Lord. They recognize that medication is a blessing, when it helps, but recognize its limits. It can change physical symptoms, but not spiritual ones. It might give sleep, offer physical energy, allow you to see in color, and alleviate the physical feeling of depression. But it won’t answer your spiritual doubts, fears, frustrations, or failures.
If you choose to take medication, please consider letting wise and trusted people from your church come alongside of you. They can remind you that God is good, that you can find power to know God’s love and love others, and that joy is possible even during depression.
What do I do with thoughts about suicide?
Before you were depressed, you could not imagine thinking of suicide. But when depression descends, you may notice a passing thought about death, then another, and another, until death acts like a stalker.
Know this about depression: It doesn’t tell the whole truth. It says that you are all alone, that no one loves you, that God doesn’t care, that you will never feel any different, and you cannot go on another day. Even your spouse and children don’t seem like a reason to stay alive when depression is at its worst. Your mind tells you, Everyone will be better off without me. But this is a lie—they will not be better off without you.
Because you aren’t working with all the facts, keep it simple. Death is not your call to make. God is the giver and taker of life. As long as He gives you life, He has purposes for you.
One purpose that is always right in front of you is to love another person. Begin with that purpose and then get help from a friend or a pastor.
Depression says that you are alone and that you should act that way. But that is not true. God is with you, and He calls you to reach out to someone who will listen, care, and pray for you.
Do you ever feel guilty? Guilt feels terrible. What you did keeps playing and replaying in your mind, and you are filled with regret and “if onlys.” And if what you did is public knowledge, your shame and regret increase exponentially. The wider the circle of people who know what happened, the more you suffer.
No one likes to feel guilty. But what exactly is guilt? The Encarta dictionary says that guilt is “an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret.” Since all of us have either done wrong things or failed to do right things, we have all experienced guilt.
You can devise all kinds of ways to try to get rid of your guilty feelings. But your guilt is not just a feeling or a personal problem. It really has to do with your relationship with God. How you deal with your guilt depends on how you view God and what place He has in your life.
1. Denial
One popular way of dealing with guilt is to simply deny you have done anything wrong! The reasoning goes like this, “I only feel guilty because I am living under standards passed down by an older generation who told me that certain things were right and wrong. To stop feeling guilty, I need to throw off those antiquated standards and live by my own standards.” According to this way of thinking, if you feel guilty for sleeping with your boyfriend, it’s because your mother taught you that premarital sex was wrong. So if you can convince yourself that premarital sex is not really wrong, your guilty feelings will disappear.
This approach to guilt denies the existence of God (or at least the God of the Bible). And that gets rid of a lot of those pesky guilt-producing rules in the Bible. But does this really work? What happens when you decide to live by your own standards and you fail to keep even them? You are right back where you started—feeling those terrible guilt feelings and not knowing how to deal with them.
And if you think your guilt is only a byproduct of the rules your family and culture made up, why do you try so hard to escape your guilty feelings? Think about what you do when you feel guilty. Some people overeat, some exercise, some shop, some drink or do drugs, some sleep too much, some can’t sleep at all—the list is endless. Why go to all this trouble for something you think doesn’t exist?
2. Trying to be a better person
If denying your guilt feelings doesn’t work, then you can try another often used method for dealing with guilt: moral self-improvement. You could call this “the New Year’s resolution approach to guilt.” When you notice you are feeling guilty, you resolve to stop doing the behavior that is bothering your conscience. Overeaters resolve to diet; couch potatoes resolve to exercise; the disorganized resolve to clean their closets; liars resolve to tell the truth; addicts resolve to stop doing their addiction; and the list goes on and on. What happens to all those resolutions? Most of us are not able to keep them—and our guilty feelings return.
3. Comparing yourself to others
Sometimes we make it easy for ourselves and decide we don’t need to feel guilty as long as we can find someone who is acting worse than we are. We say things like, “I may get angry with my wife and kids, but at least I don’t hit them.” Or, “I may cheat on my taxes but at least I haven’t murdered anyone!” We deal with our guilt by being self-righteous and critical of others. And we try to build ourselves up by endlessly discussing the failings of those around us.
But does this really help? Putting someone else down might give you momentary pleasure, but it doesn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that you haven’t measured up.
4. Becoming obsessed with your guilt
Many Christians go down this path. “I feel so guilty, I get depressed.” or “I failed again—how can I approach God?” Have you ever thought these thoughts? Anyone who is concerned about growing as a Christian has said things like this.
This struggle is a sign that God is working in your life. Guilt can be a good thing if it gets you looking for the right cure. If you don’t find the right cure, guilt can crush you. David describes the crushing experience of guilt in Psalm 32:3-4 (ESV): “…my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.”
The only right way to deal with guilt
God says in the Bible that the guilt we feel is real. There is a God who made us and the rest of the world, and He does require us to be perfect (Leviticus 19:2). Sadly, none of us are (Romans 3:23). We have all broken God’s two greatest commands: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27).
But there is an answer to guilt. It is found in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.
The apostle Paul in Romans 8:1 says that “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” What does this mean? He gives us the answer in Romans 5:8: “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
The word “for” in this verse means “in our place.” Jesus came and died in your place. He was your substitute. He paid the penalty of your sin so you could be free from guilt and be reconciled to God. This is the only answer to your guilt.
What You Need to Do
1. Look to Christ.
If you are struggling with guilt, you are in good company—this is the human condition. Once you become a Christian, you don’t stop sinning, so you need to know how to deal with guilt that comes from our sins. Take heart and find the liberating cure for guilt in the gospel. The gospel cure begins with remembering what Christ has done for you on the cross. Here is a passage in the Bible that gives a clear picture of how Jesus has freed us from our guilt.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:12-16)
These verses are both sobering and encouraging. You will give an account one day because you are accountable, and there is a standard. God is the one before whom you are accountable, and your life will be compared against his perfect character.
This is why you feel guilty—because deep down you know you are guilty. Your guilty feelings and sense of shame come because you have violated God’s good and wise commands. What can keep you from despair?
2. Freely confess your sins.
God himself keeps you from despair. He sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to die a terrible and undeserved death for you. Jesus is your great high priest who does not offer animals as the Old Testament priests did. He offered Himself, and became the sacrifice for your sins.
Look at the last sentence in the Hebrews passage. It says you can approach God with confidence. What an amazing statement! Because Jesus has paid for your sins, you can come to God with confidence. You are forgiven, and you can tell Him about every sin and failure without fear because you know He is for us. You can confess anything to Him without fear of condemnation.
3. Experience the peace of God by faith.
When you understand you have real peace with God because of what Jesus did for you, then you are able to experience feeling peaceful instead of feeling guilty. Romans 5:1 tells us, “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Notice that your part is only to have faith—to believe in the work that Jesus did on the cross and put all of your hope and trust in Him. Instead of dealing with your real guilt by denial, escapism, resolutions, looking down on others, and obsessing, you can confess your sins to Jesus and believe that His death paid the price for your sins.
What are you feeling guilty about right now? Perhaps you said an unkind word to your spouse, your child, or your friend. Perhaps you are struggling with an addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, or gambling. Or maybe you have a heart full of bitterness and anger toward someone who has wronged you.
Are you weary of carrying the burden of your guilt? Whatever it is, tell Jesus about it right now and ask Him to forgive you. And now listen to His words to you: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29), Put all your faith in Jesus’ work for you. Only in Him will you find rest for your soul.
Frequently-Asked Questions
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is the objective experience of being guilty, and shame is the subjective experience of feeling guilty. People in our world talk mostly about shame (instead of guilt). That’s because most people do not believe that God made the world and made rules for the people in His world (summed up in the two great commands: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27).
So guilt is more than a feeling. You are actually guilty because you have broken God’s loving and wise standards. Most of the time when you feel guilty, it’s because you are guilty. You feel guilty (shame) because you have thought, said or did something that goes against what God wants you to do.
Look at how the apostle Paul describes us in Romans 5. It is a comforting passage, but it is also disturbing.
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.
According to Paul we are weak and ungodly. Then He goes on to call us sinners and enemies! These are not flattering descriptions. But, He is telling us the truth: we are guilty because of our rebellion against God.
The essence of sin is to take God’s place. Some of us do this openly by saying we don’t believe in God. Others of us do it subtly by living a life that does not take the existence of God into account. When we do this, we stand guilty before God, and that is why we experience shame. It is real guilt that is underneath our anxiety, bitterness, and defensiveness. We live with the feeling that we are not quite making the grade. We can’t get rid of our shame until we address the problem of our real guilt.
These verses point us to the same wonderful cure that is in Hebrews 3. Jesus takes your place and endures the punishment that you deserved so that your true guilt could be forgiven, and you can be set free. Daily believe in Jesus, daily confess your sins, and daily believe in the forgiveness of sins and your real guilt will be taken away and your shame will disappear.
Is it possible to feel guilty for something I did that wasn’t wrong?
Yes, it is possible that you have an over-active conscience. It is sometimes difficult to know if your guilt is the product of real sin or of your over-active conscience. When this happens, you must have your conscience “realigned” by God’s Word. The Bible will give you a clear understanding of what is right and wrong. If you have read your Bible and are still confused about whether something you did is truly a sin, then you should speak to wiser Christians who can help you decide whether an attitude, thought, or action is truly sinful.
I keep on sinning; is it right for me to keep asking for forgiveness?
By all means, yes! Don’t stop going to God. Distancing yourself from God when you are struggling with sin is the biggest mistake you can make.
All of us have sins we struggle with again and again. If you stop going to God and confessing your sins to Him, you will cut yourself off from the only one who can help you. Remember: when God enters into a relationship with you, His love is not fickle—His love for you doesn’t change because you are a sinner. Keep coming to Jesus with your sins and asking Him for the desire and power to change. He will answer that prayer.
As you pray, meditate on these verses: “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world”(1 John 2:1-2).
The wonderful truth of the gospel is that you are free to struggle honestly before God because you know He loves you and will not let you go. He loves you so much that He may send hardship into your life to get your attention. This is not punishment, but the loving discipline of your heavenly Father. Please also get help from mature Christians who can pray for you, encourage you, and hold you accountable in your daily battle.
The abuser can be anyone. He can be your father, your pastor, your brother, your 70-year-old neighbor. Often a victim has had so many abusers that it seems as if he or she sent a serial letter inviting them to join in the debauchery of abuse. It is not unusual to see a client who has been abused by several family members, a neighbor, boyfriends, teacher, counselor, or employer.
The abuser may be a man or a woman. It is far more common for a young girl to be abused by an adolescent or adult male, but it is inaccurate to presume that men do not abuse boys or women do not abuse girls and boys.
The abuser may be decades older or the same age. He or she may have an honored role in your family or may not be known to you or anyone in your family. In any case, the perpetrator will have a face, a voice, a smell. Even if you cannot recall any details about him, he will be like a faded picture you carry in your wallet. Though you may not have seen him in thirty years or you may have eaten lunch with him yesterday, he still plays a significant part in your daily life, and likely an even greater role in every dream and nightmare.
A great deal of research has been done about the perpetrator and the effects of his abuse. The abuse victim, however, often defends or ignores the perpetrator, especially if the abuser was a family member. It is important to understand how this is done.
Many who have been sexually abused tend to make excuses for the perpetrator or minimize the damage. The most typical way is to find comfort in the fact that at least the perpetrator was not one’s closest, most intimate caregiver or friend. Betrayal by an intimate, deeply trusted companion is almost too much for the soul to endure. The victim does not want to face that the perpetrator may have been a person with access to the deepest recesses of his or her soul, a bearer of a key that no one else possessed. For this reason, many who have been abused by an uncle will say, “At least it was not my brother or, even worse, my father.” Or if the abuse was perpetrated by someone outside the family, the relief centers around the fact that it was not a relative. The fearful and fallen heart does not want to anguish over the loss of safety and nurturance; therefore, the damage is seemingly diminished in the relief that the perpetrator was not someone closer or that the damage could have been more severe.
The second tendency is to put the abuser in a category that explains away the harm. The damage will be faced to the extent the abuser is seen as the perpetrator of a crime—if not a civil infraction, then certainly a violation of God’s law. The battle will not be entered in if one makes excuses for the abuser and his or her crime.
The excuses are legion. The abuser was abused as a child. He had a hard background that would have made anyone a little crazy. He was going through a terrible time with his wife and was so lonely. He drank to the point that he just didn’t know what he was doing, so how could he be held accountable? He did so many wonderful things for people, how can I be angry for just one failure? All excuses should be silenced; the perpetrator committed a crime against the abused person’s body and soul.
The resulting damage
A central point needs to be highlighted again: Sexual abuse is damaging no matter how the victim’s body is violated. At first, many will doubt the veracity of that claim; it does not immediately stand to reason that being violently raped by one’s father can be compared to being lightly touched through the clothing by a gentle, grandfatherly next-door neighbor. No one would question that being raped by one’s father will be far more difficult to deal with than handling the nuisance of a pawing dirty old man. The degree of trauma associated with abuse will be related to many factors, including the relationship with the perpetrator, the severity of the intrusion, use of violence, age of the perpetrator, and the duration of abuse. But in every case of abuse, the dignity and beauty of the soul have been violated. Therefore, damage will be present whether one has been struck by a Mack truck traveling fifty miles per hour, or “merely” hit by a tricycle rolling at the same speed.
Obviously, there are certain abusive relationships that are more damaging than others. An assumption can be made about sexual abuse: With all other factors being equal, damage will be in direct proportion to the degree that it disrupts the protection and nurturance of the parental bond. There are two issues related to the potential disruption: the abuse and the revelation of the abuse. When abuse is perpetrated, it sets into motion the tremors of an internal earthquake that requires a strong and nurturant environment to quell. If that environment is unavailable, or worse yet, if the environment is hostile, cold, and/or insensitive to the resultant damage, then a victim will set aside the internal process of healing to ensure his or her own survival.
For this reason, incest is usually more devastating than extra-familial abuse. A sexual relationship with an older cousin will not be as traumatic as the same sexual experience with one’s father. A father is called to be a secure, trustworthy, and life-generating surrogate for God until the child develops the capacity to see his or her heavenly Father as the only perfectly trustworthy Source of life. The victim’s struggle to trust will be proportionately related to the extent her parent(s) failed to protect and nurture her as a child.
Intrafamilial abuse will almost always be more devastating except when the revelation of extrafamilial abuse threatens to damage the relationship with the victim’s parents or other family members. If a child were to report to his parents that a neighbor was fondling him several times a week, he might fear being doubted or, worse, blamed for the abuse. He might have a hundred other reasons to fear his parents’ response, therefore he fears the repercussions of the revelation. To the degree that confidence in the love and respect of one’s parents is disturbed, the damage of intra- or extrafamilial abuse will be more traumatic.
Entering the battle
To summarize, the first task in entering the battle is facing the fact that a battle exists. Facing the reality of past abuse is a process. It does not happen quickly or in one climactic moment of honesty. It usually occurs over a lengthy time, during which the past abuse is seen in light of current choices of flight or fight. Often the memories of the past abuse are accompanied with little emotion other than disbelief or incredulity. It is not unusual for the memories to be separated from emotion—often it is as if they are frozen in ice—seen but not able to be touched. At other times the memories will be recalled in small details that seem to have lost context, specificity, or meaning. To open one’s heart to a truth that is deeply devastating seems, at first, foolish; however, the hard, cold parts of our soul are continually tempted to thaw by the warmth of the longings of our soul. Every pleasant interchange is an invitation to life; every deep sorrow stirs the passion of grief. Those daily temptations to life are viewed by the person who has been sexually abused, at best, as a two-day vacation to a warm climate and, at worst, as the melting of the polar ice cap. A total meltdown spells disaster; therefore, the icy soul must remain frozen and hidden.
The sexually abused person often denies the abuse, mislabels it, or at least minimizes the damage. The enemy goes unrecognized or misunderstood, so the victim cannot fight the battle. Once the war is avoided, then something must be done with the wounded heart that cries out for solace and hope. The cry must be heard or squelched. Sadly, the choice is usually to stifle the groan. What normally mutes the cry is the internal dynamic that promotes denial, mislabeling, or minimization. The dynamic involves the subtle workings of shame and contempt that serve to keep the soul frozen and the warmth of life at a distance.
Editor’s note: Several years ago, author Meg Wilson had it all. She was a suburban wife with two daughters, two cars, two pets, and “a firm grasp on the American dream.” Central to everything in her life was a loving and successful husband who loved the Lord.
But her picture-perfect life came crashing down around her when her husband confessed to a decades-long struggle with sexual addiction—a secret life that included infidelity and an obsession with pornography.
As part of her journey through forgiveness and healing, Meg started a support group for women whose husbands struggle with sexual addiction. Her interactions with the women in those groups as well as her own healing led her to write of her experience. Eventually Meg’s husband, Dave, began to visit the support group for their first meetings to answer questions from members of the group.
The following are some of the questions that wives ask the most about sexual addiction, along with Dave’s answers, adapted from Meg’s book, Hope After Betrayal. You can also hear an interview with Meg on FamilyLife Today.
Can you pinpoint when it all began?
Every man I’ve talked with knows when his sexual addiction started. For most it began when they were around ten years of age, and they found their father’s stash of pornography. For some the beginning was after one or both parents abused them sexually, physically, or mentally. The fastest growing trend has young men telling me that their problem started after viewing porn on the computer.
When I was about ten, I found a stash of pornography. I can still remember the rush of adrenaline and other chemicals surging through my brain and body.
A common thinking error that men fall prey to is, Someone else is at fault. Blaming my dad for years was easy. He wasn’t there. The truth is, if it hadn’t started then, it would have started later. Only recently have I discovered how my choices caused or worsened life’s difficulties. I picked the escape route. Many of my friends while growing up turned to alcohol or drugs. Every step of the way I made choices to continue with my addiction and knew these choices were wrong. The guilt kept me in hiding and going back.
Why didn’t my husband tell me about his problem before?
Most likely he believed that you’d walk out on him. I remember being nudged by the Holy Spirit to tell Meg about my addiction before it had progressed, early on in our marriage. I truly believed she’d run out of the room screaming, and our marriage would end.
One of the differences between sexual addiction and other forms of addiction is the shame and guilt that are associated with it. Today, when people admit to being an alcoholic or a drug addict, they’re celebrated for their courage in admitting their struggles. That’s just not the case for men struggling with sexual addiction. Not only do men have a sense of guilt and shame about their addiction, society denies it’s even an addiction. People either laugh or make jokes or automatically assume all men with sexual addiction are child molesters or predators.
Do I need to know everything?
The answer is yes and no. Your husband does need to tell you everything, especially if he’s had physical contact with another person. As hard as it will be to hear, it’s important for two reasons. One, it’s for your safety so you’ll know what you have been exposed to. And two, it’s the only way your husband will be able to start the recovery process.
When God finally broke through to me, two things entered my mind. Meg’s health was potentially at risk, and God was still in control. He assured me the right thing to do was to tell Meg everything—even though there was a chance that being totally honest could mean the end of our marriage. I then had an overwhelming sense of peace. Regardless of whether or not Meg and I would remain husband and wife, I knew in my heart and soul we’d be okay. For the first time in my life, I knew I could tell someone my complete story.
While you want your husband to be totally honest with you and not to hold anything back, you don’t need to know all of the details. One of the things that Meg regrets is asking about some of the particulars. The problem was, by telling her some of the minutiae, it created an image in Meg’s mind that she then had to deal with.
What was going through your mind as you continued in your addiction?
The most prevalent feeling is the shame and guilt. Another lie that sexual addicts believe is, “If anyone really knew me, they wouldn’t like me or want to be around me.” Believing this lie is the foundation for the shame every sexual addict carries. Knowing that I truly wanted to stop doing what I was doing, and asking God countless times to help me stop, yet continuing to “act out,” was extremely frustrating and depressing. But the feelings were unbearable, knowing that what I was doing was wrong yet fearful for saying anything because I was sure people would be repulsed. Who would understand? I truly believed that if I told anyone, I’d be ostracized. The more alone and isolated I felt, the more I acted out.
What was the turning point for you to come clean?
For me, the turning point came when God allowed me to reach a point where I knew if I didn’t choose to seek help, I’d die. Not just emotional and spiritual death. I was on a path that would eventually lead to physical death. At the same time, God showed me that He would be there every step of the way. By that time, by God’s grace, I was already part of a “For Men Only” small group. The hard part was confessing my entire sexual addiction to my accountability group and to Meg.
The turning point for most men is when they get caught either by their wives, their bosses, or by the police. You’d think this would be the moment when the truth would come out and the healing process would start. Unfortunately, this is not the case most of the time. Some men get defensive and are in complete denial. They try to shift the blame and are unwilling to admit the fact that they have a problem. Most try to minimize it by saying it’s no big deal, and their behavior isn’t hurting anyone. Others come clean—but only partially.
Regardless of how a guy gets to his turning point, the critical step to his healing is his being 100 percent truthful with his wife. Omitting anything at this point is like leaving a crowbar for Satan; he’ll use it as leverage, and the shame and guilt cycle will continue. There are many good resources on the subject of sexual addiction for both the husband and wife to read. There are also Christian counselors available, which is a wise choice for the husband and/or wife, either as a couple or individually. Being part of a group like “For Men Only” can be a tremendous help. The churches in your area may not offer this type of group. There are resources on the Internet and there are support groups.
What could I have done to prevent all this?
Nothing. Your husband was already heading down this path long before you met him. Every guy that I’ve spoken with can identify a time around eight or ten years of age when his sexual addiction began.
I can’t stress this enough: your husband’s addiction does not have anything to do with you. It has nothing to do with how you look, how available you are to him sexually, your personality, your weight, height, or the color of your hair. One lie perpetuated even by some counselors and pastors is if you’d be more available sexually, your husband won’t have to go elsewhere. Let me say again, this is categorically a lie based on total ignorance of the pathophysiology of sexual addiction. Meg and I had, what I thought, was a good sex life all while I was “knee-deep” in my sexual addiction.
What can I do to support my husband’s healing?
You can’t make the choice for him to get better. Regardless of whether he’s made that choice, your main job is to get healthy yourself and pray for your husband. Learning the truth will enable you to set boundaries to protect yourself.
Right now praying for your husband may be the farthest thing from your mind. Divorce or causing him bodily harm may be the thoughts that are in the forefront of your mind. I can understand that. I knew that there was a good chance my marriage was going to end based on the choices I made. If I ever choose to go back to my sexual addiction, my marriage will most likely end. The bottom line is, your pain is real. I know that it isn’t easy for you to pray for your husband, because it’s hard to pray for the people who hurt us. I can say, though, because of Meg’s determination to pray for my healing and for me, I was able to continue on the path of recovery. There were times when she’d pray for me before we went to bed. There were many more times when I felt her prayers as I went through my day.
The power of a praying wife should not be underestimated. Your prayers are important. They will lift up your husband as he pushes through the lies of the enemy, and they will give him strength to work on his recovery. Your prayers will also be a powerful tool to help your husband if he’s in denial or unwilling to start the process of recovery.
Please believe me that God will bring your husband to a point of decision. Your husband will decide either to continue on his path of self-destruction or he’ll decide to get healthy. You can’t make that decision for him. But you can pray that he’ll be receptive to what God is trying to do in his life. Your prayers and the prayers of others will play an incredibly important role in God’s getting your partner’s attention.
How will I know if my husband is getting healthy?
The first marker of healthiness is honesty. For years, your husband has been living a lie. He’s used lying as a way to keep you and others from knowing who he really is. One of the lies he probably believes is that if anyone truly knew him, no one would want to be around him. So his lying is a defense mechanism, and he’s perfected it over many years. As he moves along on the journey to healing, he’ll learn that honesty is essential to his recovery.
Secondly, is he growing closer to God? You see, divine power is the key to your husband’s recovery. Sure, there have been guys who have mastered their sexual addiction on their own. They’ve hung on for dear life, trying to manage their addiction. Changing behavior, however, is only part of the healing process. If the guy hasn’t started to deal with his heart issues, then it’s only a matter of time before a relapse occurs. Only God can show a person what is in his—or her—heart, and only God can give a person the strength and wisdom to deal with these heart issues.
Lastly, are you seeing real change? Is he more attentive to your needs? Is he trying to really see you? Is he trying to connect emotionally, spiritually, and not just physically? Is he becoming the spiritual leader that God has called him to be?
All of this takes time. Don’t expect your husband to be miraculously healed. He’s going to stumble and fail. The important thing is that he’s serious about continuing on the road to recovery, and he’s sharing with you what’s going on during his journey.
Leave your husband’s addiction and his recovery in the hands of God. And you should not expect to find your hope in your husband’s recovery. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself. Let God heal the hurt you’re experiencing. Seek Him and let Him restore your heart and reveal His amazing love for you. This is where hope comes from after betrayal.
My friend Beth smiles a lot. Some people think it’s a fake smile, as if no one could possibly be that happy. But Beth is that happy. Beth is one of my closest friends, and she’s no fake. She’s one of the people in my life who asks pointed questions and keeps me accountable to my relationships and ministry.
Beth is not one of those friends who tells me I’m doing everything right.
She’s not one of those friends who thinks I always make perfect choices.
She’s not one of those friends who just wants to boast about her own accomplishments or dump about her problems.
Beth is an accountability partner. We tell each other truth about what’s going on in our lives and ask each other the tough questions about how we’re responding. After 10 years together, we are the definition of transparent in our relationship.
Early on, we had a couple of other people in our accountability group. Andrea is a faithful bulldozer, a foot-washing bulldozer—but determined nevertheless. She once confronted me over an emotional issue and said, “You’re going to renounce this right now!” Some people might think she comes on too strong, but I would trust Andrea with my life.
Our fourth partner was Becky. When we invited Becky into our group while she was going through a difficult time in her life, we gave her a six-week option to drop out, because we talked about everything. And I mean everything. Not everybody can handle that. The group turned out to be a good fit for Becky for several years.
We were four distinct personality types. Suppose a bull came into your house and crashed around. Andrea would take the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground, and serve it for dinner. Becky would say, “It’s okay, Mr. Bull, would you like a drink of water?” Beth would be oblivious that a bull was in the room. And I would say, “Okay, Mr. Bull, what happened in your past that made you want to do this?”
You need a few friends to whom you can say anything and everything. You don’t have to broadcast the details of your life to large groups of people. Even plastic wrap is protective. You can see through it and see what’s there, but it’s still protective. But even more, you can be the woman to whom others can tell everything. If people perceive you as being safe, then they’ll be honest with you. The question is not only, “Who can I trust?” but also, “Can others trust me?”
When God gives you the opportunity to influence another person, stay that much closer to God and remember God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). When someone invites you into her struggles, it’s far too easy to assume a savior mentality and try to fix things. You’re not God. And what the person needs most is God.
You can be obedient to the role God gives you, which includes encouraging your friend to depend on God, without trying to take over God’s job. Remember that you want to lead the person to the foot of the cross, not have a relationship that raises you up or strokes your ego.
Accountability is mutual
I like The Message wording of Romans 12:10: “Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.” Enjoy what I call your “Ethel Mertz days.” On the classic 1950s sitcom “I Love Lucy,” Lucy Ricardo had a best friend, Ethel Mertz. Lucy was full of big ideas and wild schemes, and Ethel was often the one who helped make them happen. Ethel was an example of unconditional love, loyalty, and friendship without having to always be the big idea. In fact, Ethel sometimes was the voice of caution and accountability to Lucy’s wild rides. Even when Lucy got everyone in a mess—on a weekly basis—Ethel was there at her side, loving her just the same.
The word accountability gets a bad reputation. It smacks of judgment, as if the person to whom you are accountable gets to tell you if you are bad or good. For many people, the word carries overtones of someone else being in charge and demanding accountability by calling the shots. You’re accountable to a boss who gets to decide if your effort is worthy of recognition. Accountability often seems one-sided or authoritarian.
But I’m talking about a mutual kind of accountability. Rather than trying to perform to meet someone else’s external standard, accountability builds on relationships rooted in trust and choice. You can choose to be honest with other people and invite their feedback. You can choose to have transparent relationships with a few close friends. Friends call each other back from the edge of pride, confusion, and discouragement. Friends launch each other into unknown territory and walk hand in hand where there is no map.
Accountability can be scary. You may feel like a small child jumping off the side of the pool with your eyes squeezed shut, not really sure if your daddy is going to catch you. But if you can’t trust anybody in your life, how can you find out what could happen when you take the leap into meaningful relationships and ministry?
Accountability is not judgment. It’s companionship on the journey, and it sets you free.
The second year of my son’s marriage, he and his wife had Thanksgiving with us. My daughter-in-law made a delicious sweet potato casserole. My mother and I complemented her on it and asked for the recipe. “It’s a family recipe,” my daughter-in-law said. “So I don’t give it out.” —Anonymous mother-in-law
Whoa! I had thought that daughters-in-law were the ones with the in-law stories. Well, apparently mothers-in-law have their share of stories, too.
Recently I asked some friends a few simple questions about in-laws. In my unofficial poll, I asked women of all ages several questions, including: “What makes a good daughter-in-law?” and “What do you wish you could tell your daughter-in-law?”
One mother-in-law sent me an e-mail that brought back memories. “That little boy that brought me dandelions and messy hugs,” she said, “is now a grown man with a family of his own. I need to fully release him so he is allowed to change and adapt to his wife and adult life. I don’t want to be a parent who says or does things that grate in the mind of my daughter-in-law. She is the one who knows my son best now.”
Yes, a mom relinquishes her title of “first lady” in her son’s life on his wedding day. Perhaps that’s why some have described the relationship between a mother- and daughter-in-law as fragile or tense. God certainly didn’t intend it to be that way.
Here are 12 themes that emerged from the responses I received:
1. Although my relationship with my son has changed, remember that I am still his mother.
“Even though you are the woman in my son’s life now, be considerate of the fact that I used to be the woman in his life.”
“The most important thing that you can do for me as your mother-in-law is to love my son unconditionally. … You’ve now taken my spot as my son’s biggest fan.”
2. Accept me for who I am.
“Don’t try to change me.”
“Accept my eccentricities.”
“Realize that I may do things differently in my home. Try to understand my ways.”
3. Please respect my age and experience.
“I would like to know how to share some of my experience with you without offending or intruding.”
“Respect my past experiences and realize that I understand the personalities in the family.”
4. Talk with me about hard things.
“If I have offended you, I may not know this. You have the freedom to say to me, nicely, ‘Remember when you said ______. Did you mean _____?’”
“I am not perfect. Let’s both assume that the other is doing the best she can.”
“If you are feeling hurt by something I did or said, find a way to gently bring it up. You may even want to ask me if you could have done something differently.”
5. Try to understand.
“When there are problems in family relationships, each person needs to overlook with grace when possible, and when not, address the issues kindly.”
“Reject bitterness.”
“Don’t judge. There are two sides to any story.”
6. Remember, we are family.
“I really appreciate it when you tell me about some of the family’s funny stories.”
“It’s nice to be invited to events with your parents, brothers/sisters, etc., … sharing as one big family.”
“Please include me in some of the family activities and traditions.”
“I love it when you ask me to go shopping. I think my son likes the fact that we share this common bond together.”
7. Communicate with me.
“I once felt totally distanced from you and did not know why.”
“I wish you would ask me for my opinion about some things.”
“I’d love to tell you more about my son’s childhood—please ask me.”
“I wish you would pick up the phone and call me just to chat.”
8. Get to know me as a person.
“I am a person with feelings, beliefs, and ideas, and they are not just an extension of the man you married.”
“Find things that we have in common, and let’s enjoy them together.”
“Please don’t compare me to your parents and how they did things.”
9. Express expectations clearly.
“I wish you would express some guidelines that you expect in your home.”
“Sometimes you interpret my desire to be helpful as criticism of you. I certainly do not intend this. It would help if you would tell me the best ways that I could help you.”
10. Help me know my grandchildren.
“Your children need their lives filled with Grandma and Grandpa.”
“My only grandchild lives hundreds of miles away. When you regularly share pictures of him with me, it means so much.”
“I have tried to communicate with you how much it means to me to keep me informed about my grandson. I hate to keep having to drop hints. You did it for awhile when I let you know that my son didn’t tell me normal everyday activities and other things grammies want to know. You didn’t realize this and kept me posted for a short time. But it’s back to hearing nothing again.”
11. Take time to express gratitude.
“When you and my son visit, it means a lot to me when you offer to help with the meals and with clean up.”
“It meant a lot to me when you posted on your Facebook page: ‘I am thankful for my mother-in-law! I am so grateful for our great relationship. It is so important! And ever since I got married our relationship has become so natural and I love spending time with her!’”
“Please take time to express your appreciation for a gift by writing a note or calling just to say, ‘Thanks!’”
12. Thank you!
“Thank you for believing in my son and encouraging him to stay connected with us.”
“You truly are the wind beneath my son’s sails and I really appreciate and love you. You understand my son far better than I do, and I thank God for you.”
“I’ve got the best daughter-in-law God could give. I am so blessed.”
“You are perfect for my son. How much we enjoy you for who you are!”
Some mothers- and daughters-in-law form close friendships very quickly. For others, this may take years. But most mothers- and daughters-in-law do want to connect with each other. They want to find common ground. They want to know each other as individual women with feelings, beliefs, and ideas.
It’s been years since the feelings of that one mother-in-law were hurt on Thanksgiving Day over a sweet potato casserole recipe that her daughter-in-law didn’t want to give her. Today they understand each other much better. They appreciate one another, enjoy being together, and truly love each other.
That mother-in-law shared with me what I believe is the secret to any God-honoring relationship: We’re still “growing together … offering grace.”
Let me make something clear up front. You might be tempted to think that there would never be a time when you, as a man, would turn down the sexual advances of your wife. Or, if for some reason you did, your rejection would be as rare as the appearance of an albino zebra. I understand that feeling. If such is the case with you, feel free to move on to the next article. On the other hand, you might want to read on to better understand what is becoming a growing phenomenon among men.
Take, for example, Svetin Gulisija, a 26-year-old man living in Croatia. Not long ago, he came home from a hard day on the job. For reasons I’ll never fully understand, Svetin decided the last thing he wanted was sex with his wife, Oleandra. As the story goes, she was in the mood to spark a little romance. He, however, was too tired and wanted to be left alone.
His solution?
White hot with anger, Svetin stormed out of his house and started a fire in the woods behind his home. Pause with me to consider the irony of this true story. Here’s a guy who was too tired to be physically intimate with his wife, and yet he had enough energy to launch a fireball in the backyard! It boggles the mind.
As you might imagine, the flames quickly blazed out of control. Local firefighters had to race to the couple’s home and evacuate them. When police asked Svetin what inflamed him to do such a thing, he explained that he was fighting fire with fire. He did it so he wouldn’t have to have sex with his wife.
Talk about a burned-out lover.
Frustrated wives
Granted, most men don’t go to such drastic measures to avoid intimacy in marriage. And while Svetin’s method of communicating a lack of interest in sex is an extreme case, male passivity toward physical intimacy is a very real problem in 20 to 30 percent or more of the couples we hear from. I’ll give you three examples. Casey writes,
It seems like every article I read talks about a man’s high sex drive and how women are typically tired and not interested in sex. The opposite is true of my husband and me. I try to get him aroused and interested in sex, but he is never really in the mood nor is he affectionate to me. He expects me to let him know when I want to be intimate, and I need to do the seducing. This is really hurting our marriage, and I am resentful of his lack of interest. I try to be as attractive and sexy as I can, but nothing seems to work. Do you have any advice?
Likewise, Laura, the mother of three children, feels abandoned by a husband who leaves the loving to her. She writes,
I fear that my husband and I have reversed roles in our marriage. I am always the one who initiates intimacy and sex. He is the one who doesn’t have the time or energy to be with me. He doesn’t ask me out or make special plans for us to be together. His list of “reasons” is endless. This leaves me feeling unloved, undesirable, and rejected. I don’t think that my husband looks at our physical intimacy as a gift from God that should be celebrated.
The following letter reveals how devastating such rejection can be for a woman. After attending a marriage conference, Amy included this note in her evaluation:
My husband and I have been married for 8 months. I am 38 and he is 44—both first time marriages. However, intimacy in our relationship is almost non-existent. He seems pretty much disinterested and 99 percent of the time rejects me when I try to initiate lovemaking. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says there is no problem. I, on occasion, will arrange a “special evening” to get him in the mood and then it seems to be okay. But this is few and far between. The rejection I am experiencing has become almost too much to bear.
If you have been rejecting the advances of your wife, my intention is not to heap guilt on you but to help you understand what may be going on in you and in your marriage. When a man shows little or no sexual interest in his wife, she will experience several emotions. First, she’s going to feel she is undesirable as a wife and a woman. She will wonder if she’s still attractive, or if something is wrong with her, or if he still loves her. A woman whose husband is usually disinterested is going to feel profoundly rejected (just as a man feels rejected when his wife shows a disregard for his sexual needs).
God’s design is for a man to “hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). God created sex in marriage to be shared, not withheld. And when romance, tenderness, and sex are not shared, a sense of loneliness sets in that can ultimately result in emotional and sexual temptation.
Physical intimacy is not optional in marriage. When you ignore this God-given command to cultivate intimacy and romance with your wife, she is left with a void in her soul. Your romantic and sexual advances have tremendous power to set her apart as a woman and affirm her value. But rejection in the bedroom places her on emotional quicksand. Carla, a listener to FamilyLife Today, writes,
My husband has no desire to make love to me. I have to initiate all of the encounters, most of the time unsuccessfully. I felt rejected on a nightly basis, so I took a night shift job so I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep each night.
You see, Carla’s femininity is really on the line. Often, a woman like Carla will struggle to try harder to be the “perfect wife.” She’ll spend hours, even days, trying to understand why she is so undesirable. As she spins her wheels, there may come a point where she will be tempted by an extramarital affair. I can’t stress this strongly enough: a marriage devoid of romance and sexual appreciation with each other is not how God designed marriage to function. God gave us romance in marriage so that we could frequently celebrate our love—spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As you discover ways to romance your wife and learn how to serve each other, you grow together as a couple. You and your wife “become one.”
As a man, if you are not initiating on a regular basis, let me encourage you to take an honest inventory of what may be causing your lack of sexual desire. With sales of drugs like Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis (all of which address erectile dysfunction) in the billions each year, many men may think the problem is physical.
But a physician I interviewed while researching Rekindling the Romance, a book I wrote with my wife, Barbara, told me the problem for most men who lack sexual desire is not inadequate desire or erectile dysfunction. It’s often a dysfunction of the heart—anger, resentment, and bitterness.
Let’s look inward for a moment with a series of questions to see if something is short-circuiting what is a normal, God-given drive.
Are you angry or bitter at your wife? Is there a reason for your anger? Has she wronged you? Has she disappointed you? Mocked you? If so, consider Colossians 3:13, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Is your sexual desire being siphoned off and satisfied by a regular diet of pornography and masturbation? For many men, pornography has become the preferred expression of their sexuality because it represents a “no risk” and “no failure” approach to sex.
Are you driven at work to such a point that you are totally spent when you get home? Some men are out of touch with their emotions simply because they’re working too hard. Like Svetin, the “burned-out lover” I mentioned, they are so spent by 16- or 18-hour days, they have nothing left to invest in their marriages.
Are you in denial about some other type of sin in your life? Sin can suppress our most powerful appetites.
Do your wife’s past sexual experiences before marriage anger you or intimidate you?
Did someone touch you inappropriately when you were a boy? Past sexual abuse can truly inhibit healthy sexual expression in marriage. Did you grow up in a family where you were made to think sex was dirty? Were you made to feel shame for your interest in sex? Were you caught viewing pornography or masturbating?
Could it be that you tried to initiate at a point early in your marriage and you failed to perform or your wife rejected you? Is the risk of failure simply too great now? Or are you withdrawing from her sexually as a strategy to protect yourself?
If none of these questions raises an issue that applies to your situation, there may be a possibility that your body produces a lower-than-average amount of testosterone. There are a host of reasons why these levels may be reduced, including the use of certain antidepressant or blood pressure medicines. Your doctor can measure your body’s testosterone production and perhaps prescribe a treatment to return it to normal levels.
Whatever the reason, a man who refuses to address his low libido and meet his wife’s needs is putting his marriage at great risk.
If you are wrestling with this issue, and if talking with your wife about it is too difficult, seek help. Find a pastor, a counselor, or another godly man in whom you can confide. Do it for the sake of your marriage and family. Step out of the shadows of isolation and into the healing from the One who gives “every good and every perfect gift” (James 1:17).
He can and will help you rekindle the sexual side of romance with your wife. And for the record, starting a fire in your backyard is not what God has in mind!
The scene is forever etched in my mind. It was August in Ozark, Missouri. I was 18 years old and about to leave home. In a few minutes I would drive off to my dorm room at Crowder Junior College in Neosho, Missouri. And here in the driveway stood Dad and Mom, about to face an empty nest.
For the first time in my life, I remember feeling an enormous sense of gratitude and appreciation to these two people who had given me so much of themselves and who had so fashioned my life.
As I looked them in the eyes, the emotion rose suddenly in my throat. I moved to embrace them. I swallowed hard, fought off the tears and said, with a breaking voice, “Mom, Dad, I love you.”
It is tough to admit that it was the first time I remember saying those words to my dad and mom.
It was the first time I had truly acknowledged the love and sacrifice they had shown in clothing, nursing, feeding, teaching, and raising me. For 18 years I had been, for the most part, a self-centered, ungrateful receiver of their love. That day, after 18 years of their serving me, I began the process of attempting to turn a one-way street into a two-lane highway. I began to take responsibility to honor my parents for who they were and for what they had done right in my life.
My parents’ humanity and their mortality became more and more real to me during college. I wrote some long letters to them expressing my praise and thanks. I also used every opportunity when I was home to look Mom and Dad in the eyes and tell them I loved them.
The forgotten commandment
When I was working with teenagers, one of my favorite messages that I gave was titled, “How to Raise Your Parents.” Actually I camouflaged the real message behind the title, which was “Honor your father and your mother.” I based it on the fifth of the 10 commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). It’s the only commandment with a promise attached—if we honor our parents, we will experience God’s blessing.
As I spoke to those teens and talked about ways they could honor their parents, I realized that I was touching a raw nerve. Like all of us, they all desired a strong relationship with their parents. Some enjoyed such a relationship, while others felt distant from their parents and struggled to connect emotionally. Still others had such difficult relationships with their parents that the command to honor them presented a challenge of immense proportions, a major step of faith.
Of all the commandments, this one may be the most mysterious and, perhaps, the most ignored. I’ve realized that we have failed to train our youth (and also our adults) in what it means to honor their parents. It is as though the fifth commandment has become the “forgotten commandment.”
Over the years as I’ve spoken to youth and to adults about honoring our parents, I’ve realized that God has something in this commandment that we are missing today. He wants to do something in our relationships with our parents that I can’t even begin to understand.
One young man handed me a note that affirmed the message of honoring parents. He wrote:
Words of honor
If you are a parent, you’ve probably had at least one of those difficult moments when you say to yourself, “Some day my children will thank me for that!” Your parents probably had the same experience. So here’s my question: Are your parents still waiting for you to thank and honor them for what they did well in raising you?
There are many practical ways to honor your parents—by talking to them regularly, by sending them notes and gifts, by spending significant time with them. But I’d like to tell you about a practical and powerful way to honor your parents—by writing a tribute. If you take the time to do this, it has the potential to change your family.
I just wish I had thought of this idea sooner. My father died in September of 1976 of a massive heart attack. There were no warnings, no goodbyes. In the years that followed I reflected on my dad’s funeral. Sixty-six years of life were summed up in a 30-minute memorial service. It was meaningful for our family, but it still bothered me a bit—it seemed too brief a remembrance for all he meant to us.
Dad was a great man. Impeccable character. Quiet. Hard working. The most influential man in my life. It didn’t seem right that a man’s life could be summarized with such a superficial sketch.
I wondered, Did he really know how I felt? I had worked hard to express my love to him for several years, but words seemed so hollow. Had I really honored him as I should?
I pledged then that I would not wait until Mom died to come to grips with her impact on my life. I resolved to let her know about my feelings for her.
What I had in mind had to be personal.
So I began working on a written tribute to my mom. I jotted down memories. Tears splattered the legal pad as I recounted lessons she had taught me and fun times we had shared. It was an emotional catharsis.
A written document
When I finished it, I decided something was needed to set these words of honor apart from all the letters I had written in the past.
With Barbara’s help, I decided to have the tribute typeset and framed, making it into a more formal document. I took the finished product and mailed it home to Mom.
Here’s what I wrote:
“She’s More Than Somebody’s Mother”
When she was 35, she carried him in her womb. It wasn’t easy being pregnant in 1948. There were no dishwashers or disposable diapers, and there were only crude washing machines. After nine long months, he was finally born. Breech. A difficult, dangerous birth. She still says, “He came out feet first, hit the floor running, and he’s been running ever since.” Affectionately she calls him “The Roadrunner.”
A warm kitchen was her trademark—the most secure place in the home—a shelter in the storm. Her narrow but tidy kitchen always attracted a crowd. It was the place where food and friends were made! She was a good listener. She always seemed to have the time.
Certain smells used to drift out of that kitchen—the aroma of a juicy cheeseburger drew him like a magnet. There were green beans seasoned with hickory smoked bacon grease. Sugar cookies. Pecan pie. And the best of all, chocolate bonbons.
Oh, she wasn’t perfect. Once when, as a mischievous 3-year-old, he was banging pans together, she impatiently threw a pencil at him while she was on the phone. The pencil, much to her shock, narrowly missed his eye and left a sliver of lead in his cheek … it’s still there. Another time she tied him to his bed because, when he was 5 years old, he tried to murder his teen-aged brother by throwing a gun at him. It narrowly missed his brother, but hit her prized antique vase instead.
She taught him forgiveness too. When he was a teenager she forgave him when he got angry and took a swing at her (and fortunately missed). The most profound thing she modeled was a love for God and people. Compassion was always her companion. She taught him about giving to others even when she didn’t feel like it.
She also taught him about accountability, truthfulness, honesty, and transparency. She modeled a tough loyalty to his dad. He always knew divorce was never an option. And she took care of her own parents when old age took its toll. She also went to church … faithfully. In fact, she led this 6-year-old boy to Jesus Christ in her Sunday evening Bible study class.
Even today, her age doesn’t stop her from fishing in a cold rain, running off to get Chinese food, or “wolfing down” a cheeseburger and a dozen bonbons with her son.
She’s truly a woman to be honored. She’s more than somebody’s mother … she’s my mom. “Mom, I love you.”
I knew she would like it, but I was unprepared for the depth of her appreciation. She hung it right above the table where she ate all her meals. There was only an old clock on another wall in that room—and that clock was no rival for my mom’s tribute.
She shared it with family, the television repairman, the plumber, and countless others who passed through her kitchen. And now I share it with you.
My only regret in regards to Mom’s tribute is that I mailed it to her instead of giving it to her in person. Years later, Barbara wrote a tribute to her parents and then read it to them. Seeing that emotionally poignant moment with her parents unfold at Christmas was unforgettable. I wish I had driven home to Ozark to read my tribute to Mom—and to cry together with her.
The results of honoring my mom with a tribute were so encouraging that I began to challenge others to write tributes of their own. “Your parents need a tangible demonstration of your love now. Why wait until after they die to express how you feel?” I asked.
I never presented this idea as a magic potion or cure-all for healing difficult relationships. Yet, as people began implementing it, I started to see that honoring parents with a tribute touches something deep in the soul. I began to see that there really was more to this command to honor parents than I realized.
As you approach an anniversary, a birthday, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or the Christmas holidays, consider the possibility that the best present you could give to your parents would be the gift of honor. Below you will find examples of tributes that others have written as well as links to additional articles on writing a tribute to your parents.
Wherever you are in your relationship with your parents, I encourage you to write a tribute. It may be one of the most profound, mysterious, and incredible experiences of your entire life.
Adapted from The Forgotten Commandment, by Dennis Rainey with David Boehi, FamilyLife Publishing, 2014.
Something happens the moment a bride says, “I do.” Not only does she get a husband, but in most cases, a mother-in-law as well.
Bonds between some daughters- and mothers-in-law are sometimes compared to the close friendship that Ruth and Naomi enjoyed (Ruth 1:16). But far too many women describe this relationship as fragile, tense, and even competitive.
Recently I asked some friends a few simple questions about in-laws. I was amazed by the number of replies I received about mothers-in-law. I also was surprised by the depth of their emotion.
One woman told me about her in-laws’ first visit, more than two decades ago. Her memories are still painful. As a new bride, she served a festive Thanksgiving meal of turkey, chestnut stuffing, canned cranberry sauce … “the whole nine yards.” When the family sat down for dinner, the new bride was quite pleased about how everything had turned out. Until … the topic turned to how many turkey dinners the in-laws had eaten in the last two months and how much better homemade cranberry sauce is than the canned version. Then the mother-in-law asked, “What are these lumpy bits in the stuffing?”
I received a three-page response from another daughter-in-law about an overnight visit from her mother- and sister-in-law. At one point, the mother-in-law was lying on the couch with a migraine as she directed her own daughter to clean the house. The young girl complained that everything was already clean. “I felt like the worst wife and housekeeper in the world,” my friend wrote.
Another woman poured her heart out to me. Although she and her husband have been married for more than three decades, she still feels that, no matter what she does, she will never measure up to the standards of her mother-in-law. “I simply wish that she would accept me for who I am.”
And then I finally read an encouraging response: “My mother-in-law is a gem! She loves Jesus with her whole heart and that is what makes her so valuable. … She is thoughtful and generous.”
From these and other stories, I realized that daughters-in-laws want to say a lot! Here’s a selection from their answers to my question, “What do you wish you could tell your mother-in-law?”
1. Cut the apron strings to your son.
“Know that your input is no longer the primary influence in your son’s life.”
“Understand the leaving and cleaving part of Scripture (Genesis 2:24). Love unconditionally but also understand your correct place in the relationship with your child.”
“Don’t expect your son to do what you want him to do anymore. Expect and encourage him to consult with his wife.”
“Encourage your son to build, develop, and define his marriage role. Don’t fight for position by grasping and grabbing for your son’s time and emotions. Good mamas want their kids to have good marriages.”
2. Pray for your daughter-in-law.
“Hope and pray that the marriage of your son will be successful. Don’t sit in the background and hope for your daughter-in-law to fail.”
“Rather than question or criticize your daughter-in-law, bring issues to God and pray.”
“Ask God to show you how to love your daughter-in-law as your own daughter.”
3. Talk with your daughter-in-law about hard things.
“If you are a family, act like one. Families fight, they discuss their issues and that’s how they get resolved. This can be done lovingly and constructively. It doesn’t have to be a he said/she said/you said situation. Tiptoeing around the problems and acting like they don’t exist doesn’t help anyone, it only hurts everyone in the long run.”
“Ask your daughter-in-law to let you know if/when you offend her. Remember that Satan wants to destroy your relationship.”
4. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never criticize.
“Honor your daughter-in-law in the presence of your son. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never criticize.”
“Make an effort to applaud, praise, and thank your daughter-in-law. Tell her how much you appreciate her positive influence on your son and why you think she’s a good mother.”
5. Only give advice when asked.
“Do not volunteer information unless asked.”
“Be quick to encourage; don’t question, criticize, or give unsolicited advice.”
“Be aware that sometimes a mother-in-law’s desire to be helpful can be heard by the daughter-in-law as a threat or criticism.”
6. Your daughter-in-law may be different from you. Accept her for who she is.
“Realize that your daughter-in-law wasn’t raised the same way you raised your son and maybe doesn’t have the same standards you have. … Try to understand her mindset and the way her family operated.”
“Do not try to change her into who you would like her to be.”
“A good mother-in-law doesn’t make the wife feel like she doesn’t measure up, or give the impression that she wishes her son would have made a ‘better’ choice. A good mother-in-law encourages, accepts, and loves unconditionally.”
7. Do not put expectations on your daughter-in-law.
“Do not say things like, ‘You’ll be here for Christmas, won’t you?’ ”
“Do not have expectations for visits, phone calls, etc.”
8. Remember that your son has always had faults.
“Your child was not perfect before she married him.”
“You love your son, so does your daughter-in-law. Every change that you see in your son is not her doing.”
9. Accept the goals your son and daughter-in-law have for their lives.
“Be interested in the things your daughter-in-law and her family are doing even though you don’t agree with them (i.e., homeschooling, international travel, etc.). Show some interest in the things that are most important to them … even if you think they are making wacky decisions.”
“If we don’t do or say things the way you would, just love us anyway.”
“Allow your daughter-in-law to disagree and know that it isn’t something personal. Don’t be offended if a daughter-in-law does not share your tastes, dreams, and values.”
10. Try to understand.
“Remember that all good relationships take work and a willingness to seek understanding.”
“Do not assume that you know why ‘she said that’ or ‘she did that.’ Particularly if your assumptions tend to assign negative or mean motivations.”
“Ask questions to understand. Don’t tell your daughter-in-law how things should be.”
11. Allow your son and daughter-in-law to make mistakes.
“Respect the decisions of your son and daughter-in-law, even if you don’t agree with them. Know that if their decision is a mistake, it will be a learning opportunity for them.”
“We all mess up sometimes, but your daughter-in-law really does want to get along with you.”
“Look for positives to applaud even though you see room for improvement.”
12. Cultivate a relationship with your daughter-in-law.
“Let her know the qualities you see in her as a person apart from being a wife and mom. … Realize that it takes time for your daughter-in-law to feel like you are a mom to her. Start out as a friend and let the mom role take place over time.”
“Tell your daughter-in-law about decisions you faced as a mother of infants, toddlers, teenagers, young adults, etc. Talk about more than superficial things.”
“When you call your son, and your daughter-in-law answers the phone, visit with her before asking for your son.”
“Spend time alone with your daughter-in-law doing things you both enjoy. It encourages her when you ask her to go shopping and then ask her opinion about a purchase. Show your daughter-in-law that you truly appreciate her input and enjoy being with her.”
“Develop a true friendship with your daughter-in-law.”
“Get to know your daughter-in-law for the person God created her to be. Then, come alongside her to mentor, encourage, and build a relationship so that if/when you need to give loving input or direction, it is not taken as meddling.”
13. Think the best of your daughter-in-law.
“I wish I could tell my mother-in-law that I know that I’m not perfect; I don’t expect her to be perfect; but let’s both try to assume that the other is doing the best she can. The comment that she may hear that sounds rude to her, or the action that may come across as hurtful (like a missed birthday card) is usually the dumb stumble of an imperfect person (me). I often feel that every action is interpreted in the worst light as a personal affront against her.”
“If your son and daughter-in-law can’t do something you want them to do, realize that it’s not because they are angry with you or don’t love you … it has nothing to do with you at all. Do not analyze and try to figure out what you did wrong.”
“Know that your son is in good hands and that your daughter-in-law is grateful for all that you taught him in the earlier years.”
14. Take the initiative to connect with your son and daughter-in-law.
“I wish I could tell my mother-in-law to come visit us more often rather than expecting us to travel during this busy time in our lives. She and my father-in-law are retired and have nothing else to do. As long as they are healthy and can travel, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to come to us rather than us loading up four busy people who have jobs, school, extracurricular activities, etc.? Come be a part of our lives.”
“Offer to take care of the grandkids so your daughter-in-law can have a day to herself.”
“I wish my mother-in-law would spend more time with the grandkids. I don’t want to always be the one asking. I would love it if she’d call and say, ‘Can I keep the kids on Saturday?’ … I personally want the kids to know their grandparents well.”
Okay, mothers-in-law, there’s the list. What are we going to do about it?
Imagine meeting with an engaged couple a few weeks before they are married. With excitement they describe how they met and how their relationship developed. The husband-to-be proudly describes how he set up a perfect romantic evening so he could pop the big question.
Then they surprise you by saying, “We want to get married and have some children. At first we will feel a lot of love for each other. Then we’ll start arguing and hating each other. In a few years, we’ll get a divorce.”
Who would enter marriage intending to get a divorce? And yet, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. A large number of people in my church have been hurt deeply by divorce—they’ve been divorced themselves, or they’ve felt the pain of a parent or relative divorcing.
As common as divorce is, I’m convinced that most of them could be avoided. Mark this down on the tablet of your heart: Every wrong behavior begins with believing a lie. Our culture promotes many deceptions that can quickly destroy a marriage. Here are eight:
Lie #1: “My happiness is the most important thing about my marriage.”
As a pastor, I can’t tell you how many people have justified breaking up their marriages by saying, “I have to do this. God just wants me to be happy.”
But according to God’s Word, a spouse’s individual happiness is not the purpose for marriage.
The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: “Whatever you do in word or deed,” do for the glory of God. While all parts of creation are to glorify God, mankind was made in God’s very image. Through marriage, husbands and wives are to reflect His character and have children who will reflect His character … all the way to the end of time.
Every marriage knows unhappiness. Every marriage knows conflict. Every marriage knows difficulty. But everyone can be joyful in their marriage by focusing on God’s purposes and His glory instead of individual happiness.
Lie #2: “If I don’t love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce.”
It’s a tragedy to lose love in marriage. But the loss of human love can teach us to access a deeper love—the very love of God Himself. That love is patient and kind … it never fails (1 Corinthians 13). It even cares for its enemies.
When human love dies in a marriage, a couple can enter into one of the most exciting adventures they’ll ever have: learning how to love each other with God’s love. Romans 5:5 tells us that this very love “has been poured out within our hearts, through the Holy Spirit.”
Lie #3: “My private immorality does not affect my marriage.”
A lot of people think, I can view pornography in the privacy of my home. It’s just me and my magazine, or computer … it doesn’t affect my marriage.
Oneness in marriage is hijacked by sexual immorality. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:15, “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?”
In the 21st century, there are many ways to join oneself with a prostitute: physically, through the pages of a magazine, on a computer’s video screen, etc. Paul’s advice is the same today as it was thousands of years ago: Flee immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).
If you take your emotional and sexual energy and spend it on someone else, there will be nothing left for your spouse. Those who continually view pornography or engage in sexual fantasies are isolating themselves.
Lie #4: “My sin (or my spouse’s sin) is so bad that I need to get a divorce.”
The truth is God can fix our failures—any failure. The Bible says to forgive one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven us (Colossians. 3:13).
“But,” you ask, “Doesn’t Matthew 19:9 say that God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality?” Yes. I believe that it does—when there is an extended period of unrepentance. Yet, nowhere in that passage does God demand divorce. When there is sexual sin, we should seek to redeem the marriage and so illustrate the unfathomable forgiveness of God.
Some of the greatest life messages I know are the marriages of people who have repented from sexual sin and spouses who have forgiven them. Their lives today are living testimonies to the truth found in Joel 2:25: “… I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”
Lie #5: “I married the wrong person.”
Many people have told me, for example, that they are free to divorce because they married an unbeliever. “I thought he/she would become a Christian, but that didn’t happen. We need to get a divorce.” They recall that they knew it was a mistake, but they married anyway—hoping it would work out. Others claim that they just married someone who wasn’t a good match, someone who wasn’t a true “soul mate.”
A wrong start in marriage does not justify another wrong step. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good,” says Romans 8:28, “to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
God tells us not to be poured into the world’s mold. Instead we are to be transformed and that begins in our minds. By doing this, God will give us exactly what we need for our lives. God’s will for us is good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).
Here’s the key for those who are now married: The Bible clearly says do not divorce (with the exception for extended, unrepentant sexual immorality). God can take even the worst things of life and work them together for good if we will just trust Him.
Lie #6: “My spouse and I are incompatible.”
I don’t know a lot of husbands and wives who are truly compatible when they get married. In marriage, God joins together two flawed people.
If I will respond correctly to my spouse’s weaknesses, then God can teach me forgiveness, grace, unconditional love, mercy, humility, and brokenness. The life of a person who believes in Jesus Christ is developed by responses to not only happy things, but also to difficulties. And those very difficulties include weaknesses.
That is why we are told in Colossians 3:12-13 to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other.” My spouse’s weaknesses are not hindrances. Instead, they are the doorway to spiritual growth. This is a liberating truth.
If I will respond to my spouse’s shortcomings with unconditional acceptance, my love won’t be based on performance. I won’t say, “You need to live up to these expectations.” I will be able to accept my spouse, weaknesses and all. And that acceptance will swing open the door of change for not only my spouse, but also for me.
Lie #7: “Breaking the marriage covenant won’t hurt me or my children.”
When divorce enters a family, there are always scars. I know this firsthand; although I was an adult when my father committed adultery and divorced my mother, decades later there are still effects. Many consequences of divorce never go away.
Blake Hudspeth, our church’s youth pastor, also understands the pain of divorce. He was 5 years old when his parents divorced, and it was hard for him to understand God as Father and to trust people. “The people I trusted the most split up.” He also found it difficult to accept love from others “because I didn’t know if they truly loved me.” And Blake developed a fear of marriage. “Am I going to follow the trend of divorce, because my parents and grandparents divorced?”
Blake’s father even wrote him and said, “This was the worst decision I made in my life. It was bad. It hurt you. It hurt our family. When I divorced your mom, I divorced our family because I broke a covenant that we were a part of.”
Blake says that his parents (who both remarried) have embraced the gospel, resulting in him readily accepting advice and encouragement from them. “Watching the gospel play out … with my mom and dad was huge,” he says.
Lie #8: “There’s no hope for my marriage—it can’t be fixed.”
This may be the most devastating lie of all. Because in more than four decades of counseling couples, I’ve seen God do the seeming impossible thousands of times. In a dying marriage, He just needs two willing parties. God knows how to get us out of the messes we get ourselves into.
I tell these couples about people like Chuck and Ann, who were involved in drugs and alcohol before God restored their home. Or Lee and Greg, who were engaged in multiple affairs. God brought them back to Christ and to each other. Now they have six children and a marriage ministry. Or Jim and Carol, who had taken off their wedding rings and were living in separate bedrooms and about to live in separate worlds when God redeemed them.
If you begin to think, There is no hope for my marriage, realize that, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
We must combat the lies about marriage. The truth will set us free (John 8:32). God can fix anything!
“I’ll take anyone. Old or young, dad or mom, black, white, purple. I don’t care. And I would be really appreciative. The best I could be.” — Davion Only, a 15-year-old Florida boy in the foster care system asking for someone to adopt him and give him a family
October 2013
Davion Only has been in and out of foster homes his whole life, but has always wanted a family. “I just want people to love me for who I am and to grab me and keep me in their house and love me no matter what,” he says.
He learned that his birth mother was in prison when she gave birth to him, and she recently died. He told his caseworker that he wanted to make a plea at a church for someone to adopt him.
So recently he found himself in front of the congregation at St. Mark Missionary Baptist Church in St. Petersburg, Fla. ”My name is Davion and I’ve been in foster care since I was born,” he said. “I know God hasn’t given up on me. So I’m not giving up either.”
The response to Davion’s pleas has been overwhelming. His story went viral on Twitter, and was picked up newspapers, magazines, and television shows around the world. He appeared on The View. Thousands have inquired about adopting him.
When I read this story, I thought, Maybe this is what it takes. Maybe we need to allow foster kids who want to speak, like Davion, to do so in our churches. Maybe their faces and voices will inspire the Christian community to finally step up and begin to address the needs of more than 100,000 children in our foster care system who need a family and could be adopted.
If this could begin to happen in thousands of churches in America every Sunday …
This November is Adoption Awareness Month. Why not ask if there are foster care children in your community who can be adopted and inquire if there is a child who would be willing to take the risk of sharing his need for a family? Then take the foster child to your church, give him or her a microphone and let him ask, “Would someone adopt me and give me a family?” And of course, if the child she doesn’t feel comfortable making such a plea, ask if you could be the voice for that child.
Does our God believe in adoption? He does and it’s a good thing … it’s why He sent His Son to die on our behalf, so that we might be forgiven from the penalty of our sins, and to adopt us if we place our faith and trust in Jesus Christ.
God believes in adoption and so should we.
By the way, Barbara and I adopted one of our six children—and we don’t know which one.
As you begin marriage, it’s common to have some expectations of what you will experience. But you probably have never made a list. Well, we did it for you! Here are some things you can expect during your first 3-5 years of marriage:
Challenges with finances
Difficulties in relating to the opposite sex
Loneliness
In-law strains.
Romance and affection!
Spiritual growth together.
Struggles in defining roles of husband and wife
Communication challenges.
Decisions about values and lifestyle choices.
Trials and suffering.
Choice of where to attend church
Dealing with differences (including male/female, backgrounds, religious training, regional)
Travel.
Debt.
Children.
Entertainment choices.
Decisions about what to do on weekends.
Decisions about traditions (how to handle holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations)
Resolving conflict.
Work and career struggles.
Vacation decisions.
Determining priorities (schedule).
Sexual intimacy (hopefully lots of it!).
Assuming new roles of mother and father.
Selfishness.
Most couples face common challenges in marriage. If you don’t discuss and resolve the differences between you and your spouse, you’re headed for rough marital waters.
Here are four ways to resolve “great expectations.”
First, remember your wedding-day commitment to a lifetime of love and forgiveness.
Remain committed. Love always. Remember, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
Second, your marriage won’t grow without communication and understanding.
Communication means talking and active listening. You’ll know you understand your spouse when you can verbally express your mate’s actual needs and desires and he or she agrees with that expression. Communication is vital to clarifying your needs. The Bible urges husbands to “live with their wives in an understanding way.”(1 Peter 3:7) Guys, that means you have to seek to understand. Ladies, that means you have to help him understand you.
Third, work to develop God’s perspective of your spouse.
Remember, God selected your spouse for you. Accept His provision, knowing that He has an agenda for your life through unmet expectations.
Finally, don’t give up on your dreams.
All of the things you imagined your marriage to be may not come true. God may have a new dream for you to live together. Talk about your dreams. Then dream together.
Today Dr. Rosaria (Champagne) Butterfield is a committed follower of Christ, a pastor’s wife, and mother of four children. But in 1997 her lifestyle was totally different—she was an English professor at Syracuse University, focusing on queer studies and living with her lesbian partner. She told her story on FamilyLife Today®; in this adapted excerpt from that interview she talks about the pastor and his wife who touched her life through their hospitality.
Rosaria: When I first started reading the Bible, I was reading the Bible because I was working on a post-tenure book. It was a lesbian, feminist critique of the Bible. I was concerned about the rise of the religious right. I was threatened by the rise of the religious right, and I wanted to read this book that got all these people into trouble. So, that’s where I started.
Dennis: And you viewed Christians as—
Rosaria: Dangerous, anti-intellectual people.
Dennis Rainey: Yes. They weren’t thinkers, and they weren’t readers.
Rosaria: Right. That’s not very nice; is it? … but that was my perception. My perception was—as a university professor, I met a number of Christians—this is how these people came across. Now, whether they came across this way because I was deep in my sin or whether this is an accurate portrayal, I will let you all decide.
But folks who would tell me that Jesus is the answer—without caring to even hear about what some of my questions might be … You know, questions and answers go together; there is a logical relationship between the two. Or when the Bible was invoked, it was often invoked in the same way that I might invoke a punctuation mark—to end a conversation rather than deepen it.
And then, my biggest concern was the fact many, many people knew what the Bible said, or believed they did, but nobody could tell me why it was true. So it seemed, to me, just a strange mixture of superstition and patriarchy—where God, the Father, and—the god of patriarchy—came together to oppress people like me.
Bob Lepine: Your presupposition in life was: “If we can liberate women and eliminate patriarchy”—
Rosaria: Yes.
Bob: —“then, we will solve many of the evils that we are facing in our world today.”
Rosaria: Right; absolutely. Back it up, even further—my belief was that people were inherently good and that the right to individual choice-making was an inherent good. There were material structures that stood between good people making good choices. Feminism, combined with Marxism, offered a way of unlocking that potential. That is what I believed.
Bob: Somewhere, in your life, your feminist/Marxist presuppositions and your personal sexuality collided.
Rosaria: That’s right. So the big story for some people—which is not a big story for me, but that’s okay—was that I was in a lesbian relationship. And it wasn’t just my first lesbian relationship. I fully embraced the lesbian community. It sort of snuck up on me. I don’t know how else to say it. I know people who would say when they were nine years old they remember feeling attracted to people of the same sex. I do not remember that.
I loved being in a relationship with somebody who shares my—truly, my world and life view. So, I thought that I was there for life. That’s part of why I wasn’t a closeted lesbian. My research program went from 19th century feminist studies and it moved into queer theory—which is a post-modern, post-structural extension of gay and lesbian studies. So I went on record as a queer theorist and published articles in that vein.
In 1997 Promise Keepers held a men’s rally at Syracuse, and Rosaria wrote an editorial for the newspaper saying the university should have nothing to do with the gathering. As a result she received a lot of negative mail, but she was impressed by a letter from Ken Smith, a pastor.
Rosaria: It was kind, and it was gentle. Yet it was also clearly written from a Christian world and life view. It asked me some basic questions that were genuine questions, and he wasn’t answering those questions for me. I admired that. I really liked that.
I was going to need to read the Bible for my new research project; and I thought, Well, you know, I’ll bet this is somebody who could help me with my research. At the bottom of the letter, Ken asked me to call him back; and so, I did. We had such a lively conversation on the phone—that he invited me to come to his house for dinner.
Sometimes people don’t know this, but the gay and lesbian community is also a community quite given to hospitality. [And now as a pastor’s wife] I believe strongly that hospitality is just the ground zero of the Christian life, and of evangelism, and of everything else that we do, apart from the formal worship of God. So when Ken invited me to have dinner with him—that seemed really like a great idea. He already seemed like my kind of people.
Here’s what I discovered in Ken’s house: That door was always opening and closing. People, from all walks of life—I met them at that table. I did not meet Christians who shared a narrowly-bounded, priggish worldview. I met people who could talk openly about sexuality and politics and did not drop down dead in the process.
Bob: You know what? When I first read your book, one of the things I got most excited about was the model of Ken Smith.
Rosaria: Oh, yes, absolutely. But you have to understand that was normal for Ken. Ken didn’t say: “Oh great! We’re going to have the lesbian over for dinner. Let’s be sure to share the gospel as soon as she walks through the door!” Ken cares about the heart. In fact, I found Ken’s business card in one of the books I was looking at for some writing that I’m doing. The business card said: “When you’re ready to talk about God, give me a call.” That’s how Ken was.
[Ken and his wife, Floy] did two startling things the first time I had dinner at their house—two things that were against the rule book that I believed all Christians followed. They did not share the gospel with me, and they did not invite me to church. But, at the end of our dinner, when Ken extended his hands, and closed mine in it, and he said: “We’re neighbors. Neighbors should be friends.” I found myself being in complete agreement with Ken.
Also, Ken had a way of asking questions; and he had an authority—you know, I had been in a queer community. I had been in a feminist community. In my community, women ran the show. I had not encountered a man like Ken in my whole life.
Dennis: Your defenses were down because he had done a good job of loving you.
Rosaria: That’s right. And you know what? It started with the prayer. It was vulnerable and honest. He prayed to a God who is not a god I had ever been introduced to. One of the things Ken asked me that night—and I still cannot believe I actually answered him honestly; it was so out of character for me—“Well, what do you really believe?” I said: “I don’t know what I believe. I was raised Catholic, and I’m now a Unitarian. I don’t really know what I believe,” which was true but not anything I had said out loud.
Dennis: You know, your story is a great reminder, I think, to each of us, who are followers of Jesus Christ—that we need to be using our homes to be more hospitable and to reach out with kindness. And as we do that—maybe, instead of providing the answers to people—ask a few questions to find out where the other person really is and what they do believe and do not believe. Sometimes, we are so zealous on behalf of the truth, and we want to get to the bottom line, and if you’re going to do that in an effective way, you first of all have to find out where you deliver the bottom line. The best way to do that is by asking some great questions.
I wish you could see what I see when I say those words. There are always some people in the audience who get a puzzled look on their faces. Others think I have just slandered God in some way.
And there are undoubtedly a few who are hoping I won’t bring up the subject again. It makes them uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, we find ourselves living in what author Paul David Tripp calls a sexually-insane culture. People talk openly and even brazenly about human sexuality, and most of what we’re hearing people say in this culture is crazy talk.
And the unfortunate truth is that in our day the biblical view of sex has been dismissed. The culture has declared a new and better way for us to live as sexual beings. The common view is that anything the Bible has to say about sexuality is out of date or irrelevant.
If you believe that the Bible teaches that sex should be reserved for a man and a woman in a committed, monogamous marriage for a lifetime, you are considered out of step. If you believe that homosexuality is morally wrong or unnatural, then you have, in just the last five years, moved from being a part of the majority to being in the minority in this culture.
The culture is not moving in the direction of the Bible on this subject. It is moving in the opposite direction. It is aggressively rejecting and declaring its independence from biblical teaching in the area of human sexuality.
As the cultural view of sexuality becomes increasingly pervasive, it’s important for us to revisit what the Bible has to say on the subject. We need to consider again what God had in mind when He invented human sexuality in the first place.
God made us male and female
Let’s start with Genesis 1:27-28:
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God, He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
In the act of creating “man in His own image” as male and female, God created human sexuality. It’s His design. It’s His idea, His gift to us. Our sexuality is connected to the fact that we are the same species but different in gender. To put it another way, in order to have sexuality as God intends for it, you must have both a man and a woman.
The very first instruction God gives to the man and the woman in Genesis 1 is, “Be fruitful and multiply.” This command involves sexual engagement, on our part. God could have chosen another way to populate the earth, but He chose to make the sexual union part of His design, and He blessed that relationship.
We have to acknowledge that there are cases where a married couple is unable to conceive. But infertility does not invalidate God’s design. Would anyone suggest that because someone gets pneumonia, that means God did not give us lungs for breathing?
What is clear from God’s design for human sexuality is that a man and a man can never bear children alone. Neither can two women bear children by themselves. By God’s design, it takes the seed of a man and the egg of a woman to conceive children.
In Genesis 2 God says it is not good for man to be alone. He tells Adam that He will make man a “helper fit for him.” God creates the animals and birds and brings them to the man to name them, but “for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:20). In the Hebrew, the word “fit” means “facing, or toward, or corresponding to.” In other words, there is no creature that God has created that Adam can face or that Adam can correspond to. The very language itself hints that a man and woman are designed by God to “fit together” sexually.
That’s not true for men and men. That’s not true for women and women. You stand two men or two women face to face, and they don’t fit.
The pinnacle of creation
Then look at the next verses:
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man He made into a woman and brought her to the man. The man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:21-24)
What I want you to see in this passage is that when God fashioned the woman to be a complement to the man, He was not yet done with the crescendo of His creation. It’s not until He brings the man and the woman back together again and “the two become one flesh” that we arrive at the summit. In that act of marriage and sexuality we see the pinnacle of creation.
I think there’s something central and profound in the sexual act, as a part of a marriage designed by God. When a husband and wife become one flesh they experience a deep physical, emotional, and even spiritual oneness that binds them together.
But it does more than that. It also points to and reflects the goodness of God.
The Bible makes it clear that this sexual bond is meant to happen within marriage. This, of course, is one point where our culture teaches a far different philosophy than God’s Word.
Here are five reasons why a sexual relationship should occur within the confines of marriage:
1.Sex is meant to strengthen the marriage bond. In marriage we enter into a covenant relationship with one another. This covenant mirrors God’s covenant. During the wedding ceremony we vow to remain committed “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer … till death do us part.” These promises echo the promise God makes to us when He adopts us into His family and unites Himself to us in Christ. He has said that He will never leave us or forsake us.
God wants the husband and wife to be one. The recurring, ongoing participation in sex is the instrument that God uses so that we can experience a closer, richer, deeper relationship with one another. When sex happens outside of the safe haven of a committed, loving covenant relationship—what used to be called “the bonds of matrimony” —you may still experience physical pleasure, but there will be an emptiness in your soul. There is something missing. There is a shallowness to the sexuality that we experience apart from a lifelong covenant.
2.God wants to teach us more about the relationship between the Father, the Son, and the Spirit in the Trinity. There is oneness within the Trinity—there are three persons, but they are one. In marriage, there are two persons, but they become one. In marriage we learn something about the intimacy that God enjoys within the context of the Trinity—the intimacy that the Father has with the Son, and the Son with the Spirit, and the Spirit with the Father and the Son.
3.God also wants to give us a picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church. (Ephesians 5:22-33). In some mysterious way, the husband and wife relationship—and our sexuality—is tied to that picture.
4.A sexual relationship in marriage teaches us something about the nature of real love—God’s love. Over a lifetime in marriage, we learn that in order for our sexuality to be expressed in the way that God intends it, the sexuality needs to be unselfish. Both husband and wife must be committed to pleasing each other and meeting each other’s needs.
5. It is best for the offspring of our sexual union to grow up in a home governed by a covenant relationship between a husband and a wife who love one another and are committed to each other. If a child is growing up in a setting where there is one parent or where two parents are not bound together in covenant love with one another, that child is missing something.
Consider this: If our sexual relationship is this powerful and this important, is it any wonder that Satan would take delight in trying to undermine, pervert, and destroy our human sexuality? Is it any wonder that sex is so huge, so pervasive in our culture—and that the temptation to operate independently of God’s plan is so powerful? I’ll take a closer look at this theme in part two of this series.
When my husband, David, died in a terrible car accident in 2010, I grew close to my mother-in-law, Joy, who shared my grief—not only for her son, but also for her own husband, who had died 30 years prior. Our stories mirrored each other—both widowed in our 30s, having lost our husbands in car accidents, each of us with a 2-and-a-half-year-old boy and a baby girl. Now she had lost her only son. We clung to each other like only widows can, seeking to find meaning in these tragedies.
Having never remarried, Joy supported my hope to find a new husband, often seeking the occasional beau for me. She knew David always wanted a father. He would sometimes imagine the joys of having a father, and he worried about his mother being alone. It was so heartbreaking to him that, on more than one occasion, he made me promise to remarry if anything ever happened to him. “Don’t do what I did, Sabrina,” Joy said with compassion and regret. “Get married again.”
The relationship between Joy and me harkened back to the story of Ruth and Naomi in the Bible—two widows in search of a new life. And with the desire of remarriage strong on both our hearts, we began to seek the Boaz of our story. Boaz was Naomi’s relative who married Ruth and saved the women from a life of poverty and gave Ruth a chance to produce an heir in the line of Christ.
Boaz is often referred to as the “kinsman redeemer,” which means a relative who rescues. The same term is used to define Christ, who is our brother but also our groom. And when I entered the world of widowhood, Boaz became to me a picture of what I was looking for—my kinsman, a brother in Christ, who could lead our family in the footsteps of Jesus and leave my children with a godly legacy.
Convinced it wouldn’t work
I was two-and-a-half years into my widowhood when I met Robbie McDonald, a widower himself whose wife died of cancer. I was convinced when we met that the match wouldn’t work. He was 10 years older and in a different life stage. His 23-year-old was soon to be married, and the adolescent years were still ahead for his 13-year-old. The thought of blending these two young men with my two preschoolers sounded unimaginable. “There is a good chance that in the next five years you are going to be a grandfather,” I told Robbie. “I’m not ready for that!”
For six weeks, Robbie pursued me, and I continued to tell him no … most of the time. He lured me with tickets to musical theaters, ballroom dancing, and military balls. He would send me text messages every day asking me something new about myself. “I want to know all about you,” he said. He sent flowers and wrote cards. While my logic kept saying “no,” my heart kept saying, “Why not?”
We could talk for hours, and he understood my widowed journey. We shed tears about the loves we had lost and praised the grace of God that sustained us. We had fun together, and best of all, he loved the Lord. Discussions of theology frequented our conversations. He served the church as a deacon and Sunday school teacher, and he served his community, having won the Chamber of Commerce Member of the Year Award.
But the details of our lives together nagged at me. He once said, “I’ve prayed about you and me, and I have a peace about it.” I replied, “Well, you better start praying that I have a peace about it, because I don’t!” Our only mutual friend, Scott, happened to be Robbie’s army chaplain. Scott went to college with me, and he knew David from a couples small group we were in. Knowing both Robbie and me fairly well, Scott encouraged Robbie that if he really felt that this was the will of God, then he should keep pursuing until God said stop.
Honestly, I was scared of the work it would take to blend these two families. I knew it would require sacrifice on my part, and I wasn’t sure I wanted that. If only I was naïve like the first time I got married … but I knew how many feelings were involved, and how complicated the family dynamics would be. Being single was lonely and my children had no father figure in their home, but it was easier and simpler with me being the only one in control.
A new perspective
Then one Sunday I heard guest speaker Pastor Dan Jarrell, from ChangePoint Church in Anchorage, Alaska, and he changed my perspective. People go to see IMAX movies about Alaska, he said, to see its beautiful mountains and lakes and enjoy the wildlife. They view it all from the comfort of a cushioned seat and the thermostat set at 72 degrees. They might even have a bag of popcorn and a drink. They walk away from the theater saying, “What a beautiful place.”
But, he said, you can’t really experience Alaska that way. What you can’t see from the screen is the way the Aurora Borealis looks with colors dancing 360 degrees around you. You can’t tell that the snow is unique from anywhere else in the world—it crunches like Corn Flakes under your feet.
But, Jarrell continued, if you come to Alaska to experience the majesty, you must also endure the freezing cold temperatures, 24 hours of darkness, and winters that seem to never end. You have to take the good with the bad.
Pastor Jarrell reminded me that life is about more than comfort. If I want to actually live—to experience the life that Christ is calling me to live—I must be willing to feel some pain. Sure, I could have everything under control (or at least the illusion of it) and watch from the sidelines alone, but then I would miss out on all the good by trying to avoid the bad.
The question about Robbie changed from “How hard will it be?” to “Is he worth it?” I began to seek the value of his character.
I saw the way he interacted with his teenage son—the affection, the light in his eyes when he spoke of him, the playful banter. I saw a man who had skills that could care and provide for my family—hunting, fishing, mechanics, building—while at the same time, possessing a kind gentleness, the type that stopped to admire a small bird or rabbit, wooing the tame ones to come to him. I saw a man who loved and admired his wife and patiently cared for her through the terrors of cancer, and I knew he would do the same for me if such a time came.
I finally realized I had cut out a picture in my mind of what I wanted, not considering that God often works in mysterious ways, and I had to remove that preconceived idea in order to evaluate Robbie for himself. As 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature [or in this case, his circumstances], because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I found in Robbie the kind of heart that I was looking for, all the qualities of a kinsman redeemer. So I presented him to my family, most eager to hear a response from my mother-in-law, Joy. To me, her approval was symbolic of Naomi’s consent, and in a way, the blessing of my late husband.
I watched from across the room as they met and hugged. She nervously talked. He listened. Robbie immediately identified with her story, having lost his mother to cancer several years before. The night seemed to go well, but I had no idea what she would say privately.
The next day, I nervously awaited her judgment over the phone. Joy is a conservative, soft-spoken woman, but that day she spoke with confidence and authority. “Sabrina, I am so impressed,” she said. “I was so afraid that you would fall in love with a man who wasn’t right for you. But I want to tell you something. You did not find Robbie. God brought you together. He is kind and respectful and mature. He is a blessing from God, and it’s no accident that you met. He is perfect for the family, and I feel like I can love him like I love my own son.”
I wept as she spoke, overwhelmed by the presence of God. It was the last confirmation that Robbie was the one I was looking for.
God’s grace and mercy
Our engagement lasted only three months, and we were married in a beautiful red, white, and blue ceremony presided over by our mutual friend Scott. People often wonder how it’s possible to love someone else after having lost a man and a woman that we each so deeply loved. But just like a mother loves each of her children with the same amount of unconditional affection, we love each other and our spouses who have passed on, as well. There is no measure to love—no matter how much you have shared with others, there is always more.
From the beginning, God has poured out his grace on our blended family. So far it has been far easier than I ever imagined it would be. Yes, there have been trying times of disagreements and hurt feelings, but in general, we all get along and enjoy each other’s company. Perhaps we have a little better appreciation for living after the closeness to death we’ve experienced, or perhaps it’s simply the mercy of God. Either way, every person in the family has clung to the grace of Jesus and we have done our very best to extend that grace to one another.
Only God knows why we are chosen to walk the journey that He has designed for each of us. Ruth and Naomi are just the first of a long list of sufferers in Scripture who have seen the mysterious ways of God. Robbie and I certainly have felt the pains of travail in our lives. But like so many things, God brings good out of bad—He calls light from darkness, creates beauty from dust and ashes; He makes our weaknesses our strengths and turns our sorrows into joy. While I miss David Beasley every single day, I’m so thankful for the gift of my kinsman redeemer.
In a recent Marriage Memo, “Reclaiming Date Night,” Suzanne Thomas wrote of her dismay after asking FamilyLife Facebook readers about what they do for date nights with their spouses. “I expected people to respond with some creative ideas, but I was surprised at the response,” she wrote, “Nearly everyone said they have no date nights at all, or only rarely.”
Suzanne went on to offer some ideas for inexpensive dates, and then asked Marriage Memo readers to submit ideas. This time we got some more substantial responses, as well as a number of creative ideas.
Many who wrote echoed the words of one reader who said, “I think date night is vital to a marriage.” Another wrote, “If we didn’t date, I don’t know where our marriage would be.”
One husband said he liked the idea of trying date nights—he and his wife have been married six years, but he admitted he’s “been feeling in a rut for the last three so it would be nice to break out.” Others wrote of learning the hard way about the importance of regular communication—and about making God the center of their marriage:
We believe in date nights and do not miss one week. … After our first six years of marriage, ministry and children became the priorities. Dates were few and far between and with that so was our communication, which was in the toilet. Things got so bad, we planned to divorce. Some close friends of ours invited us to a married couples retreat and that weekend we repented to our Lord, to each other, and started all over again. At the retreat we were very much encouraged to have a date night a minimum of once per week and to pray together every day. We immediately did just that. To my surprise my husband declared our date nights as Friday nights. He told all the family, friends, ministry leaders, and church friends that Friday was our date night and he is committed to date night with “his bride.” That blessed me more than words can ever say.
Readers shared ideas for inexpensive dates and for finding babysitters (always a challenge, especially when children are young). A number of readers suggested setting up date nights at home, and this idea resonated with others.
I like the idea of a date night at home with special props (candles, private room, planned time, conversation focused on our relationship with each other). I will definitely propose this idea to my wife.
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I love the “date night in your home” idea! We’d go out at least once a week if we could, but with five children under the age of 9, babysitting is a real issue. We trade babysitting with another family every other week right now, so in the off week having a date at home sounds like a great option (as long as we can get the kids in bed before I fall out from exhaustion!).
Thanks for your responses—we enjoy hearing from you. And remember: A marriage will wither and die if you lose your focus on developing your relationship. As one reader said, “We almost lost our marriage years ago simply because we did not find time and space for just us.”
As Christian women living in the twenty-first century, we aren’t likely to face many of the tricky difficulties that confronted ancient Israelite women. Just think of Queen Esther, who had to learn how to get along in a harem of women whose only calling was to please the king with their beauty. Even after Esther became queen, the cost of displeasing her king-husband was death. Other Old Testament women dealt with slavery, such as Hagar, and having to share a husband with another woman, such as Rachel and Leah.
Our problems, while less life-threatening for the most part, nevertheless pose tremendous challenges for which we need the same wisdom that ancient women needed. But we want to do more than merely minimize stress and ward off unnecessary difficulties; we also want to please God in every aspect of our lives. This is one way in which biblical wisdom differs radically from worldly wisdom. The world’s wisdom centers in how people can please themselves and maximize every pleasure. The wisdom in Proverbs isn’t unconcerned about our enjoying life as a gift from God. That’s the beauty of it—as we put into practice the wisdom of Proverbs, we find that God’s ways work at a very practical level; life does tend to run more smoothly. As this happens, God is showcased as the all-wise one, and He is glorified.
The benefits of wise living are too numerous to include here, but let’s look at a few of them.
Women who live wisely will experience security.
Wise women are confident that they rest on safe ground:
You will walk on your way securely, and your foot will not stumble. If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. (Proverbs 3:23-24)
Wise women have no fear. Because they trust God, they have no need for anxiety. They are confident that a kind, wise God is in control of everything. As wisdom increases, anxiety decreases. What makes you worry? Is it finances, your kids, your spouse—or the lack of one? Wise women know that God is trustworthy and that He can and will handle all these matters for our good and His glory.
Another result of wise living is guidance.
Some time ago I heard someone say that wisdom isn’t so much something that God gives to us as something he does for us, a truth reinforced by this passage:
For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. (Proverbs 2:6-8)
The link between wisdom and guidance is also made crystal clear in this proverb:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
This does not mean that God’s guidance is conditional upon our trusting; He is always actively directing the lives of human beings. Yet it is only as we actively trust God and submit to His ways that we experience His guidance as a straight path, one not filled with frustrating self-made detours, as we see with Jonah.
Another benefit of wisdom is the calm enjoyment of sanctified common sense.
There is no issue in life that Scripture doesn’t somehow address. Situations arise in all of our lives that Scripture doesn’t directly speak to—those gray areas. But the Bible does address them somehow; even if indirectly, and wisdom is what enables us to use the Word to make black-and-white application into the gray places of our lives. Wisdom enables us to better discern not only what God’s Word says explicitly but also what the Word says implicitly, and we are increasingly equipped to apply its truths to all areas of life. Sanctified common sense is the result of wisdom.
Still another result of wise living is generally good living:
My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. (Proverbs 3:1-2)
The book of Proverbs reveals to us how God has designed the world to work; so, in general, those who live according to God’s design prosper because of it. That being said, the proverbs aren’t a guarantee for the good life. We all experience times when things don’t go well, despite our efforts to follow God’s ways, and that’s because God has as much to teach us through suffering as He does through blessing us with the practical benefits of wisdom. That’s why it is best to view the proverbs as observations or principles rather than as promises. We must keep both things—the practical benefits of wise living and the spiritual benefits of suffering—in tension, and trust that God knows what He is doing in each case.
That being said, we tend to be suspect of this whole idea of delighting in prosperous living. It just seems so, well, worldly. But God delights to bless His children, as any good father does. When God blesses us with a season of prosperity, we can grieve God’s father heart if we bar ourselves from rejoicing in it. After years of saving money for a house, a friend of mine was blessed to be able to purchase a lovely home. But she couldn’t fully enjoy it because, she said, “I keep waiting for the ax to drop. If God has given me this, what is He preparing to take away?” Such thinking robs both God and us of taking pleasure in His gifts. If He blesses us in some material way, we are free to enjoy it. As Solomon wrote, “There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God” (Ecclesiastes 2:24).
Another benefit of acquiring wisdom is happiness:
Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profits better than gold. She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. (Proverbs 3:13-15)
Can you think of a better definition for happiness? If we are unhappy Christians, the problem isn’t our circumstances; it’s our interpretation of our circumstances, an interpretation that’s lacking in wisdom. Even unhappy occasions can be experienced with joy and peace when we remember who has ordained them and that he has done so for good reason. Wise women know that lasting and deep happiness will never be found in circumstances but only in Wisdom, which is Christ.
One more fruit of wisdom is self-knowledge.
John Calvin said that before we can know ourselves, we must first know God. Only God really knows and understand our hearts, of course, but the better we know God, the better we will know ourselves. Self-knowledge, part and parcel of which is awareness of our personal weaknesses, is vital when it comes to resisting temptations, since temptations appeal to us in areas where we tend to be weak. Women who know God are better able to recognize where they are prone to sin and are therefore better equipped to deal with it intelligently. Knowing ourselves is a benefit of wisdom.
In vain is a net spread in the sight of any bird. (Proverbs 1:17)
Our wisdom
All of this leaves us with a problem: We can’t do it! Who among us could ever hope to achieve wisdom such as we see in Proverbs? Wisdom is indeed impossible for us, even though, after glimpsing the benefits of it, we want to become wise women. What are we to do? The realization of our impossible dilemma brings Paul’s words to life: “God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God” (1 Corinthians 1:28-30). Christ is our wisdom, in both its characteristics and benefits. We have no wisdom of our own, but if we are in Him, we have His wisdom, which means we can grow it to fullness. In Christ “are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:3). If we are in Christ, those treasures are ours too.
When I was in high school, I went deep-sea fishing with my dad and brother and reeled in nothing all morning except a sunburn. Everyone got skunked. Near lunchtime my brother decided to lose his breakfast over the starboard side. Always game for a bit of sibling rivalry, I joined him. Suddenly this huge school of oceanic fish appeared out of nowhere, feeding unceremoniously upon our breakfast, apparently delicious the second time around. Less than 10 minutes later, the entire boat caught their limit. We should have charged a chum fee.
We fished all morning and all we got was sick. But once we were sick, all we got was fish.
Ironically, that seems to be how God works. When we come to the end of ourselves, when we humbly acknowledge the mess we’ve landed ourselves in, God delights to pour out His glory in sudden, unprecedented, and unpredictable ways.
If you have ever said to yourself, “I wish I could see God do something amazing”—you can! Not only is this possible, it’s what God is calling you to. God desires this for you. This is why we must stop running from Him and earnestly seek to obey. When we do that, our messy lives become the canvas for His incredible glory. But the key is thankful living.
Thank the God of second chances
Last year, I got a ticket for having expired tags. It was the second ticket in two years I had received for that particular infraction. It might not be the only ticket I’ve received since moving to Washington. I’m really a good driver. At least that’s what I keep telling the police. I went to the court to see if the judge would waive the ticket fee for my expired tags, since I complied and registered my car immediately. I thought the judge would notice that I was nicely dressed and had a cheerful demeanor and in general conclude that I was good for society. The problem was that she didn’t look at me at all; she looked entirely at the computer screen, which I prayed didn’t list all of my past infractions. That prayer didn’t get answered quite the way I was hoping.
“I see here this isn’t the first time you’ve driven with expired tags.”
“No, your honor.”
“Looks like you’ve been busy, Mr. Howerton.”
“Yes, your honor.” I couldn’t think of anything to say that would change my situation. So I blurted out, “I throw myself upon the mercy of the court!” I’m not kidding.
She looked up from the computer screen. Then she smiled and waived the penalty. I was given another chance!
Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.” (Jonah 3:1-2, NIV)
You know what that is called? A second chance. God is the God of second chances (or ten thousandth chances). If this isn’t enough to drop us to our knees in humble thanksgiving, I don’t know what is!
Mess begets … masterpiece
No matter where you are, God is offering you a second chance. No matter what you have done, no matter how many times you have done it, no matter where you have wandered, God is saying, “If you invite Me to, I’ll forgive and forget. If you let Me, I’ll make it as if it had never happened. If you allow My Son to take it, He will take the stain of your sin and shame and make it white as snow.”
Proverbs 28:13 says, “People who conceal their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy” (NLT). Another translation of this proverb concludes, “He gets another chance” (TLB).
Picture a white canvas, representing your potential in life. Now imagine you’ve thrown dark oil paint at it, splattering it with red (symbolizing your murderous selfishness) or charcoal (for your stoic idolatry) or teal (standing for your horrific style choices of the 80s). The paint visually communicates what our sin, our stain, our running from God looks like. We think, That’s it; now I’ve made a mess of things. It is all I can see. Game over. But it’s not. Those simply become the colors that God, the master artist, takes and uses to begin His masterpiece called you.
For this we thank the God of the second chance. When we stop running from Him and surrender our lives to Him, that’s when He does His best work. Accept His grace. Be filled with gratitude. Make a commitment to developing a heart of praise. Leave your pity party behind. Develop a thankful heart.
Relentless grace
I recently reconnected with an old friend, Brad, who had mentored me in some early years in my ministry. Several years ago Brad had stepped away from ministry and then revealed that he had failed morally, and an affair cost him his marriage, his reputation, and his ministry. For a while he continued to make poor choices, and as he did so he realized his misery continued to grow. Finally, he stopped running from God. He realized the mess his choices had landed him in. And he simply began, very humbly, to do what God said. He confessed all his sins. He begged forgiveness from all he had hurt with his actions. He broke off the affair and began living in purity, pursuing God’s best for sexuality and for life. He began to see a Christian therapist, and he submitted himself to three pastors and another older, mature Christian leader. Working together, they became his restoration team. They met together weekly over the course of 18 months for study, for accountability, for counsel, and for prayer.
It has been four years since Brad’s confession of failure. His ex-wife recently called and forgave Brad for the hurt he had caused her and the family. His girls, both twentysomethings, have expressed forgiveness as well and enjoy a relationship with their dad. And after nearly three years of restoration, the five pastors Brad submitted to unanimously asked him to pray about rejoining God’s movement in ministry. They felt that his story and subsequent journey of healing would be encouraging to those who assume God’s grace doesn’t extend into their mess. Long story short, one year ago Brad launched a church called Life Change Community Church, built on the principle that God can change anybody’s life. Life Change, in the first 12 months, has grown to 300 in attendance, with nearly one-third of those folks experiencing God’s grace and giving their lives to Jesus Christ for the very first time. When I was talking with Brad recently, he told me, “God is good, Mike. I’m living proof of grace.” He also said that his life verse, the verse that fuels his drive daily, is Jonah 3:1: “The word of the lord came to Jonah a second time” (NIV).
It’s true for Jonah. It’s true for Brad. And it’s true for you.
In a Marriage Memo on the value of date nights in marriage, we asked readers to share comments and ideas. Here are their responses.
1. Oh I am so, so, so very sad to hear that so many couples are not finding a way to create regular date nights … and by regular I really believe that two nights a month is the absolute minimum! And to achieve that I think a couple has to shoot for weekly date nights so that we can have at least two a month.
My husband and I have been through every financial cycle imaginable in the past 27 years … yes I’m 52 and have been around a few bends in the road. We gave birth to 3 kids in 3.5 years … ouch! So I know a thing or two about juggling schedules and fighting hard for date nights.
And no … we never had family around who could/would baby sit for us … ever. I remember when my two oldest were tiny and I was hugely pregnant with #3 … waddling shameless into the street and literally flagging a poor unknown high school girl down on her way home from school. We had just moved to Dallas and knew no one that would baby sit. I think this poor girl thought I was a crazy woman but that started a wonderful relationship that lasted 9 years, and even though we now live in Washington, DC we still exchange Christmas cards with her entire family. We hired her for a “standing date night” every other Saturday or Friday depending on her schedule and I was never disappointed. Later when we could afford it we used her every weekend.
It was always worth cutting other things out of the budget to have a date night with my hubby … it was my sanity check on more than one occasion.
Fast forward to today … Our oldest was married this summer and moved a continent away … our middle child is 8 hours north of us in college and we just drove our youngest 5 hours south to college. So I was just a little nervous to be an “empty nester” … would my husband and I have enough conversations to fill the silence? no children to juggle … no games to rehash … no kid problems to solve (wait who am I kidding … there are still plenty of those!).
However, three weeks into this new phase of life we are dancing like the stars! We quickly realized the fruit of our labors is being harvested. We are madly in love and having a blast. Why? I believe with all of my heart it is because we kept our relationship fires tended to. When the house cleared out and the constant roar of sound was muted, we discovered there was an us hiding under all the wonderful chaos. The way my husband kissed me good bye this morning would make my children blush. (grin and sigh)
So as my hubby and I celebrate our anniversary this week, we indeed have a lot to celebrate. God has been good and I think we were obedient to keep our priorities clear. It was never easy, but oh my it was so worth it! And yes, we still have date nights!
2. My husband and I, before we were married, made a commitment that we would do date night at the very least every other week. My husband has two younger children that are with us every other week. So the weeks they are not with us is our time. Some weeks we have more than one day night. My children are older and the week that we have the little ones my kids offer to spend an hour or so since that know that date night is non-negotiable, so on those weeks we go out for dessert only after we have dinner with the little ones.
Some date night outings consist of dinner, movie, dessert only, just alone time, even if it is for 45 minutes to an hour we both feel it is one of the most important things to do together.
In our pre-marriage agreement we decided to have date night (weekly or bi weekly), marriage conference (once a year), but prayer every day no matter what. We have both been married in the past and knew that if these things were not part of our future we would not agree to marry. We both give God the glory and know the need for Him to be in the center even in our date night time.
3. We swap with another couple whose children are friends with our kids. They go out one month while we watch their kids, and then we’ll switch the following month. It gives the kids a play date, doesn’t cost anything for babysitting, and it gives us something to look forward to! I definitely recommend finding another couple you can swap with.
4. My husband and I once led a couples ministry at our local church; and there we would take various trips. We would hear how they would be so excited to be able to get away for just a day. We would have chartered bus rides to historical locations as well as mini cruises, trying to set the atmosphere for them to have a one-on-one moment. In our teaching we would stress that you don’t just wait for our ministry trips, but you should plan and do them on your own. If not weekly, biweekly.
My husband and I [do] date night, which may consist of tickets to a jazz concert or a packed lunch at the fishing hole. During the spring/summer we would take rides to nowhere every Sunday. We often laugh and say we would write a book on how to travel on a dime!
5. My wife and I try to have a date night a minimum of once a month … and shoot for going every two weeks or more when possible. We do have two children, ages 3 and 6. We are blessed to have [someone] not too far from our home that enjoys keeping them.
The reason for my writing is to direct you to a website I found about a year ago (I have no affiliation whatsoever with the site or people that run it) from the ‘about’ page I leaned that it is run by a group of Christian married women that encourage creative date nights with their spouses. The site is stock full of creative fun date ideas. The site is called www.thedatingdivas.com I can’t recommend them enough!
6. We believe in date nights and do not miss one week. We’ve been married for 35 years and together for 42 years. After our first 6 years of marriage ministry and children became the priorities. Dates were few and far between and with that so was our communication which was in the toilet. Things got so bad, we planned to divorce. Some close friends of ours invited us to a married couples retreat and that weekend we repented to Our Lord, to each other and started all over again. At the retreat we were very much encouraged to have a date night a minimum of one per week and to pray together every day.
We immediately did just that. To my surprise my husband declared our date nights as Friday nights. He told all the family, friends, ministry leaders and church friends that Friday was our date night and he is committed to date night with “his bride”. That blessed me more than words can ever say. That was 29 years ago and we have not only had date nights (sometimes all day dates) every Friday. We also, in addition to our family vacation, take a vacation together every year for a week. It’s Jim, my husband and me, on vacation just the two of us for a week! It’s exciting and we cherish our time together. What we have seen is our kids think it is great and as we prepare them for their marriages, we know date nights will exist for them and so we are leaving that, along with other things, as a legacy for our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and generations to come.
We have fun spending time together. On one date we were both tired but we went to Barnes and Nobles anyway. We had hot tea and went back to sit in the comfortable chairs to talk. We held hands and to our amazement, we fell asleep holding hands. Little did we know we became an example for the employees. Afterwards we came home opened the moon roof to the car and sat in our driveway looking at the stars and moon while talking. We have a rule no discussion about the kids (now adults), and no finances, just time to talk about us and our Lord.
So our date nights vary from getting take out and a movie, going to the library and getting books and movies, having dinner at Sam’s Club, dinner on Valentine’s night with an overnight stay, a picnic in the park and feeding the ducks, spending a night driving around to see Christmas lights/decorations, enjoying an upscale dinner for two “just because” and many, many other dates throughout the years. It’s a beautiful thing and we cannot imagine not having our special time together on a date day, date afternoon or date night. They all work wonderfully!
7. Just wanted to let you know that a date night or date day is a necessity to every marriage no matter how long you have been married (40 years for us this past August). It hasn’t been a smooth road but only by God’s grace, she has put up with me. We try to do something as often as we can, and spontaneous seems to work the best whenever possible. Saturday we got up and decided to go for a bike ride and it was so much fun that we did a different one in the afternoon. So yes, it doesn’t have to be an expensive date just meaningful to both.
8. As a Pastor my time is pulled in many directions and can be limited if I am not careful. Every Monday is my day off and since my wife, as I like to call her, is a Home Economics Engineer, also known as a stay at home wife/mommy, we take Mondays as our day together. We have from 8:15 a.m. till 2:15 p.m. to focus on each other, before our two children begin coming home. On our date day, we talk about life, read the Bible together, take walks, laugh, cry if in a tough conversation, have lunch and reconnect. After a crazy week and a fulfilling full Sunday, Monday’s are refreshing. We are protective of our Monday—no kids, no work and minimal use of phones.
I have found that this time has continued to strengthen our marriage, allowing us to talk without “Mommy, I need … ” or “Daddy, can you … “ We love our children deeply, but my wife and I agree our marriage is a priority. Once a month we go on a “fancy” date which is always fun but we truly look forward to our day together to learn more about who we are.
9. Just a thought: Date night does have to cost anything. My husband and I rarely leave the house for a date. We have five boys, ages 5-12. Getting a babysitter can be difficult and expensive. My parents do babysit whenever we ask, but they have 22 grand kids in town so we would be selfish to ask too often or even monthly. However, almost every Friday night we let our boys watch a movie and we go to the front porch or couch and talk. It is a necessary time. Just the two of us, focused on each other and our week and our weekend and our marriage and our struggles and stresses.
It is valuable and I hate to miss it. Unless we actually are going out on a date, I don’t like to do anything else on Friday night. The boys get a break from school with the treat of a movie (our TV is never on except on Friday night and Saturday cartoons) and we get focused time for usually two hours. No interruptions. After the boys go to bed we usually conclude our evening with a movie or TV show and snuggle in bed while watching something. All very important to our intimacy–conversation and non-sexual touch.
Thought I’d share because I am passionate about the importance of focused time with your spouse.
10. One solution we found that helped the cost a little: We would go out after the kids went to bed; babysitters were willing to accept a lower rate if they did not have to actually take care of the children. Coffee and a shared dessert in a usually pretty empty restaurant makes for some nice connecting time.
11. We have to be intentional and put our time alone on our calendar and think of it as a doctor’s appointment we would not dare miss! If we plan to go out for dinner we seek to support a family owned restaurant that has recently opened instead of a mainstream one and one we have not tried yet. We then can recommend it to others and feel good about helping them get established in the community. Or often times I will plan an intimate meal for just the two of us to eat together after our kids have gone to bed.
12. We are blessed to have my in-laws living only two miles from our home. Since our son was about 12 (he’s 17 now), they have kept him every Tuesday night. So, we claimed Tuesday as date night.
I never realized what we were missing by not doing a regular date night. Since we’ve been doing them, we’ve definitely become closer. We communicate more & argue less. I actually miss him if our schedules are hectic & I haven’t spoken with him all day. We have merged our parenting styles rather than playing “good cop/bad cop”. We work together as a team more easily. And we have made a conscious effort about spending quiet time as a family. Need I mention, our intimate moments have increased as well?
I made my husband a Date Night Calendar for our anniversary a couple of years ago. It included 52 different date night options of which he would choose by placing on the calendar each week. We have a limited budget so it was mostly inexpensive dates such as: test driving our dream cars, a scenic drive & picnic, cooking an ethnic meal together, candle-lit dinner in front of the Christmas tree, enjoying a bonfire w/ foil dinners & s’mores.
My favorite however, were when we did a six-week Bible study on how to be parents to teenagers. It gave us the opportunity to learn new things about one another by discussing our teen years. We were also able to get an idea for each other’s parenting styles w/o getting defensive.
Another great thing about Tuesday’s being date night is that there are less crowds & better deals on meals.
13. My husband and I will be celebrating 50 years of marriage in December, and believe me you still have to make an effort to show each other the love and respect you have for each other. Do not assume the other knows. Words and actions play a big part in building each other up.
We try to do something every week to get away and just enjoy private time together. When the weather permits we get outdoors and go to a park, walk, talk, sometimes just be silent and be. When the weather is not so good we go somewhere indoors; there are many free things to do. We go to the budget theater to see not-so=new releases, and take advantage of senior discounts everywhere. My husband has to twist my arm (not) to go to Chick-fil-A.
If we are out running errands or doing nothing in particular, our way of always connecting is to hold hands. We never leave each other to work, etc., without giving each other a kiss and a hug, you never know it could be the last. Each day in some way we say I love you and mean it! We do not have much money and still work to supplement what we do have. It is amazing the small acts of kindness you can do not just for others, but each other. No, life is not worry free, but that is why the Lord gave us each other. He meant us to be a team through all the ups and downs, not just the good times.
It is so very important to take your vows seriously and appreciate what is right beside you.
14. Our children are 16 and 21, so it’s not as hard as it used to be to find time to spend without interruption. We manage a date night at least a couple of times a month, sometimes more. On the weeks when we don’t leave the house, we’ll go for a walk together or sit on the porch together and talk. And we don’t mind finding a movie on Netflix and trading foot rubs while we watch together. It doesn’t have to cost a dime to make time for each other.
One of our favorite things to do is pack a picnic lunch and go hiking to area waterfalls near our home. We are firm believers in date night, whether it’s out of the house or in … shut off the TV, computer and all the rest and just talk. It really does make all the difference. Soon you’ll wonder how you managed without it!
15. When our daughter was six years old she begged to have swimming lessons. Another friend of hers joined in lessons with her. Every Friday night the girls would take turns to sleep over at each other’s homes. So, once a fortnight, we had a date night!
16. Every second week, one of us plans and arranges a date as a surprise. Anything is possible, and early on in the evening we inform the other about the dress code or the location. Last date night we sat in big cozy chairs in front of a fireplace at a local hotel bar and ordered sushi!
It’s my turn next and my plan is: get dressed up and drive separately to a restaurant or so, and pretend we are on a blind date, meeting for the first time.
17. When our kids were small, elementary age, and we were still paying off student loans, my husband and I would get up extra early one morning a week just to be together. Our splurge was instant cappuccino. If tiredness overruled, we mandated the kids play outside while we indulged in our cups of cappuccino together for an hour after school. My husband taught high school. Cappuccino Tuesdays.
With high school kids and my husband’s career change into a pastor, our on-demand evenings mean we carve out time in the afternoon. We often grab a to-go drink from the house and drive to a small pond with a fountain. Simply watching the water spray and talking for a while is calming and bonding.
18. This made me really sad to read [about couples who do not take time for date night]. It takes me back two years ago at church when a group of us were struggling. At that time I was a single mom and also needed time away.
Our solution was we have four families in a co-op. We each have a Saturday each month where we host the kids in our home. This allows for three free Saturday nights for couples to re-connect for 5 hours. Within the five hours many things can be achieved.
We have not only found that this is wonderful time for the parents, but also for the kids. The kids have grown together as a small group mentoring each other, helping out where needed, bonded close friendships, done local missions together and much much more. People see us out in the community with these kids (nine total) and they know who they are and if not it gives us a chance to minister how this has benefited our lives.
God provided for all of our needs when we formed this co-op. We give Him the glory for putting us all together. As we start our third year, we are praying for many others to find a group they can connect with to allow for this quality time of togetherness.
19. This email absolutely broke my heart. If we didn’t “date” I don’t know where our marriage would be. Life is soooo stressFULL. It is too easy to forget all of the wonderful things you love about each other.
There are seasons where we can go out every week, but more often we are able to go out about once or twice a month. We also have two events every year that my husband and I go out of town for without the kids, one is our alumni weekend at our alma mater (we graduated from the same university) and the other is a Winshape Marriage Retreat.
I’m guessing that people have the biggest problem with getting someone to watch their kids so they can go out. Here are some ideas for getting help with the kids so you can get out on a date!
We also ask grandparents and other family, when we can.
I would suggested contacting a local daycare for a list of sitters. Our local daycare, keeps a list. They are already trained, CPR certified, and love kids! I have never had a problem getting someone to watch four kids at a time, aging from <1 to almost 6 years old. We have used several referrals from the daycare. I don’t think public schools can make recommendations, but private daycares and school can.
I love the babysitting swap idea … have at least one from the neighborhood, at least one from school, and at least one from church! We have at least four families in our neighborhood that we swap sitting with regularly. You might be surprised if you make the offer to another couple that they excitedly accept!
Our neighborhood has a Facebook page, and people post all the time to find or get babysitting jobs. Some are younger girls, but some are “grandmother” types, and some a stay-at-home moms that want to make extra money.
We get referrals from our small group. We all have children about the same age, and we really trust each other’s recommendation
Our church doesn’t have a babysitting list, but we have asked the Sunday School teachers for ideas and suggestions. There are several teenagers who help out in our children’s ministry that I would not hesitate to leave my kids with, especially if they have parent’s home at the same time they are over. If I am ever nervous about teens, I build a relationship with their parents first, and only have them over when their parents are home in case they need help.
We have built relationships with all of our neighbors. Any babysitter gets several items when we leave: an information sheet, a credit card, and an insurance card for the kids. In case of emergency, I want them to have as much information as possible. Our information sheet has information about where we are, how to contact us, neighbors information, closest hospital with directions, etc.
Ideas for date nights:
Many websites have listings of free or cheap things to do in your city! Just Google “free dates in CITYNAME.
We love playing games, so sometimes we will take a board game or cards to a local place (park, coffee shop, or restaurant) and have fun for hours. Travel Scrabble is a favorite of ours! Keep it in the car for unexpected date opportunities!
We have downloaded some lists of questions and quizzed each other. You can Google fun ideas like, “first date questions”, “questions to ask your husband”, etc. You have to filter for appropriateness sometimes, but it will get you talking. If you don’t talk regularly (about anything other than the house and kids) you may need some help getting started.
We have a state park pass, and we really enjoy doing day dates to visit parks and monuments, just to see something we’ve never seen before together. It is always fun to bring a picnic. It is too easy to run by the grocery and pick up a loaf of French bread from the bakery, some cheese (like Alouette so we can dip the bread), and grapes (you can wash them in the water fountain at the park!) … that is like $6 tops! If we are really hungry, we grab a rotisserie chicken too or some chicken salad from the ready-made area. Or, if we feel like it, we grab a pizza carry out for cheap! Little Caesar’s is only $5! The park pass is also a great item for family fun too!
I hope some of this helps someone rekindle fun and passion in their marriage!
Several months before we attended a Weekend to Remember® marriage conference, we received some terrible news. Gary’s best friend (who, like Gary, is in the Air Force) discovered that his wife had cheated on him while he was away for training. He was a strong Christian, and we had thought she was, too.
Gary’s best friend and his wife, who had been role models for us early in our marriage, eventually divorced. This was not only devastating to them, but also to us. It caused us to realize that no marriage is safe from divorce. It also put a desire in our hearts to help other couples have strong marriages.
So by the time we attended the Weekend to Remember conference in Tucson, AZ, in June 2006, we wanted to help other couples have strong marriages. At the conference we stopped at a Military Marriage Ministry booth manned by Mike and Linda Montgomery. They introduced us to the four-week military study, Defending the Military Marriage (in the HomeBuilders Couples Series®, FamilyLife’s small-group Bible studies). Wanting to help protect our own marriage while helping other couples, we decided to begin a HomeBuilders group on our military base.
When we made that decision we had no idea how God would work through us to touch couples around the world.
A non-threatening environment
We returned to our base in Tucson and began leading a group of seven couples through Defending the Military Marriage. Only three of the couples attended church regularly.
We were thankful to not only be able to talk about Christianity in a non-threatening environment, but also to be a part of God’s work in each of those marriages. We saw couples begin to share openly because they cared for their own marriages, and also for the other marriages in the group. We noticed that each couple seemed to grow closer to their spouses and that they developed ongoing friendships with other couples in the group.
Gary and Tessie Moore
We are also grateful that HomeBuilders has helped us be proactive in our own marriage—we did not want to be a statistic like Gary’s best friend. And we’ve learned not to get our feelings hurt or have negative responses when we share honestly with one another. We now have an atmosphere in our marriage where we are comfortable sharing our frustrations, remembering that God should be our focus.
An international outreach
In October 2006 we moved to South Korea, and so did our HomeBuilders ministry. We were fortunate to join an existing network of HomeBuilders leaders there. We’ve led or co-led several studies in the HomeBuilders Couples Series, but Defending the Military Marriage remains our favorite study since it has really fit in well with our peers.
The Moores took their HomeBuilders ministry with them to South Korea
After two years in South Korea, we will soon leave for Germany where we hope to continue HomeBuilders. These studies have helped us remind ourselves and others about important marriage concepts. We’ve also formed valuable relationships; the friends we’ve made through HomeBuilders have been wonderful, especially when we’re thousands of miles away from our families.
Gary’s best friend’s divorce made us realize how precious marriage is … and fragile. It’s so easy to take your marriage for granted. That’s why we have tried to take every opportunity to work on our marriage and to help other couples do the same.
As we’ve gone through HomeBuilders studies with those in the military, we’ve discovered that we are not only protecting our country together, but we are also protecting our marriages.
I remember as if it were yesterday . . . that fear-filled day in April of 1972. I had only been a military wife for four short months when my husband, Mike, came home to our base quarters and announced that he had received his orders. In two months he would be leaving for a year—heading off to Southeast Asia.
My first reaction was denial. I was sure that the Air Force had made a mistake. My husband had only been in uniform for such a short time. I was sure Mike’s supervisors would change their minds, agree that it was all a mistake, and then change his orders to a base stateside.
Looking back, I did not know what to expect when I became a military wife, and going off to war certainly had never entered my mind. We were so young, inexperienced, and “in love”!
Arriving at the Air Force base in January with my marriage license in hand, I remember getting my first military I.D. card. The lady behind the desk asked me what my “last four” were. I said, “my last four what?” I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she added, “The last four numbers of your husband’s Social Security Number.” “Now, how would I know that?” I reasoned.
Little did I know that I would live as a military wife for 23 years and see Mike retire from active duty in 1995. And little did I know that more than 36 years after Mike showed me his orders to go to war in 1972, God would use us to help military couples facing war and geographic separation.
Some things about military deployment don’t change. In 1972 my fears included:
How will I manage alone?
Will my marriage be all right while we’re apart?
Will Mike be safe?
Where will I go—what will I do?
What if he changes while he’s gone and we’re not the same when he gets home?
What if the worst happens?
How will we stay connected even when we’re apart?
These same questions are being asked today by military couples as they prepare their hearts and families for the challenges of wartime separation.
Some things do change
But some things do change—there are ways in which today’s global war on terror is different. When Mike and I, and our coauthors Keith and Sharon Morgan, began writing a HomeBuilders study to help military couples deal with the marital challenges of deployment today, we spent time with brave military families around the world. The new technologies for communication, availability of the Internet, high operations tempo and multiple deployments, women deploying to the front lines, and the large percentage of National Guard and Reserve units involved—with their unique challenges—are issues impacting our military families today.
All of these current issues, combined with common stresses from the past, highlighted the need for a relevant Bible study addressing deployment. We wanted to help couples realize that it is possible, with God’s help, to grow in marital strength and spiritual maturity during the separation caused by wartime duty. At every base we visited, God led us to incredible military couples who are demonstrating their faith in Jesus Christ. These couples have perspective, perseverance, patience, and peace that come from their faith.
Sharing questions in an atmosphere of trust
We knew that their stories were worth sharing, and that in the fellowship of a small group, other couples would see hope—perhaps for the first time in their marriage. In a small-group HomeBuilders setting, answers to questions are shared in an atmosphere of trust. Couples discover that they are not alone in their struggles, and they encourage one another.
We will never forget one particular military couple in our first HomeBuilders group at our local Navy base. We knew that their marriage was teetering on the brink of separation and divorce. The issue? Returning from deployments—and the power struggle that ensued over children’s discipline, family schedule, finances, etc.
Neither the husband nor the wife knew what to do, and they had given up hope. During the discussion in our second session, one of the husbands brought up a similar problem that he and his wife had experienced after deployments. This husband described how they had begun to recognize the problem for what it was and had dealt with it over time. The husband of our “troubled” couple nodded in agreement, and then turning to his wife said, “Well, we can do that!”
Two months later their chaplain called to inform us that this husband had made a commitment to Jesus Christ, they had recommitted to their marriage, and the whole family had been baptized. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit at work in a small group!
Communicating through homework
We organized 13 field test groups for our Making Your Marriage Deployment Ready HomeBuilders study. Besides recognizing and sharing solutions for common trouble-spots, our couples have expressed appreciation for how HomeBuilders allows a couple to communicate during their “homework” project during the week. Sometimes deployments create extra stress in the area of communication because of timing and unwillingness to talk about some tough topics—like money, in-laws, new assignments, etc.
After a HomeBuilders discussion one evening at a local church, a military wife shared, “We’ve been able to talk about things that we’ve never talked about before—because it’s in the lesson!” Topics which had been labeled “don’t go there” became “we need to address this.”
It is our desire for every military couple facing deployment to go through this Bible study and allow God to teach them His power to carry them through their unique challenges. If Mike and I would have had this chance to learn and prepare for our wartime separations, we would have been so much better off!
Welcome home! You’ve been away at war for some time now. Your tour of duty has ended. Now all you want is a return to normalcy. You’re feeling a need to rest from being alert 24/7. And your body wants to let go of the roller-coaster ride your emotions have been on since the day you knew that you would enter the battlefield.
But there’s a problem. Your mind won’t let you rest. It plays through everything you have just lived through. The worst part is it’s as if you are right back in the thick of battle … every emotion, sound, and smell.
You’re home where you are supposed to be safe. You know that the threat isn’t real this time, yet the memories of past battles haunt you when you want nothing to do with them.
Welcome to the backlash of war. The side that affects everyone differently. It’s due to a combination of searing adrenaline and the physical and emotional toll that occurs during the time of battle. These memories are now branded in your mind. They’ve become a scar on your soul that you don’t want to keep, but you don’t know how to get rid of them. You want life to get back to the way it was before you went to war.
I know where you are. I joined the U.S. Navy’s Special Forces in 1981 and participated in 25 missions. I have walked this road and continue to do so.
Choosing to serve
Let’s go back to the beginning, when you chose to join the Armed Forces. Whether you joined because you were drafted, decided it was your duty, or felt the need to serve, you still chose to step into harm’s way and stand in the gap. You chose to act.
Now, I know that those who were drafted weren’t given much of a choice, but there were still choices to be made. You could have rebelled or run away. So whatever led to your being in the military, you chose to serve.
You began with basic training, which probably felt like an insult to your ego. There you had to change your focus from yourself to that of the team. This change in your thinking was new, but necessary for your work in the military. Then you were given additional training for your specialty before being sent to your command unit, ready for whatever the military threw your way.
The day eventually came when your unit received orders: You were going into combat. An anticipation of both fear and excitement gripped you. After your training you said, “I’m ready. This is what I prepared for.” You felt confident about yourself and the team.
On the battlefield
Your first battle came upon you like a lead ball in the pit of your gut. You kept questioning why you were there. Your senses were on edge, searching everything around you for anything that would give you a heads up. When a bullet whizzed by and someone screamed “Cover!” you instinctively dove behind a tree or a wall.
You were scared out of your wits, and you hoped and fervently prayed that you wouldn’t let your teammates down or get killed. That’s when your training kicked in high gear and suddenly you became a spectator in your own body. You chose to do whatever you needed to do to get home; you willfully decided to kill.
Meanwhile, your mind took in all that was going on around you. The carnage was all too real. And then, in what seemed like a very short time, it was over. You had survived your first battle, and a new flood of emotions hit you. The crash of adrenalin made you feel sick and weak.
Already the next assignment had been decided and that’s when a new reality hit you like a brick wall: You would have to do this many more times before you could go home. Your body and mind screamed, “I need to decompress what just happened and rest.” But instead, you had to stuff your emotions and feelings and just think, “I will just have to deal with them later.”
This roller-coaster of emotions and feelings continued throughout your tour of combat duty. Each assignment built on the next. More emotions and feelings were stuffed into an imaginary trunk. Your attitude changed. You become hard lined about whom to share with and what you share; after all, they could be dead tomorrow.
The loss of friends was the worst. And with each loss, you shut down even more. Soon you were simply enduring the time.
Stepping back into your old role
Then the orders came. Your unit was standing down and heading home.
And then you were actually there, trying to get everything back to normal. Trying to show love to your wife and children; to feel their love in return. But even the simplest task often became a major project. Why?
Be aware of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It’s very real. You’ve been through the wringer and have possibly been on multiple tours of duty. Have you dealt with the emotional baggage that is tearing you apart?
Perhaps your friends and loved ones have said, “Just live life as you did before you left.” This is completely unrealistic. You can’t come home, bury half of yourself, and think you can live that way.
Support groups may be of some assistance. Retelling the events of war may help you analyze what happened and bring clarity to why the events occurred the way they did. But the retelling can’t bring about cleansing; only Christ can do that.
Life won’t get back to normal overnight. Don’t try to step into your old role too fast. Although you’ve returned as the leader of your home, you are not the same husband and dad your family knew. You may even find yourself trying to take control of the situation like a squad leader barking orders.
Emotional grenades
Are you charging at life’s circumstances as if you are taking an enemy stronghold? Your home isn’t a battlefield where physical life could end if you get it wrong.
Your wife and children are doing their best to understand why you are taking such a hard-line stance. So look at them with understanding. Listen to what they have to say. They are your family, not a squad of soldiers. Take the warrior off high alert and re-engage as the husband and dad your family needs.
To do this you’ll need to begin to unpack your trunk of stuffed emotions. They are working their way out onto your wife and children. While you were gone, your family found ways to cope without you. Now they want you back leading the home, but they question if this is possible. That’s because you are emotionally “going off the deep end” at every little thing.
It might be because of the guilt you feel about living through your tour of duty when friends died. Or maybe you weren’t home during some family crisis. Regardless of why you are going off the deep end, you may not be ready to lead your home at this time. But you can’t keep throwing emotional grenades into your family bunker. If you don’t stop doing this, you will all too soon become an enemy to your own family.
I understand what you are going through. Remember, I’ve been there myself. But I promise, there is hope. You can heal from the trauma of war.
Here are four steps that will not only help your health and well-being, but also that of your family:
1. Deal with the misconception that “I can reclaim my life as it was before I entered the Armed Forces and build from there.”
Unfortunately, the truth is you can’t undo what has occurred.
You have been through a forge, reshaped and hardened for the task of defending this nation’s interest. You are not the same man or woman you were before you joined the military, and you never will be that person again. It’s better to destroy a lie than to keep hearing and believing it.
But where are you going in this journey to healing? Let me share an illustration.
Iron ore, when placed in a furnace, is melted into steel bars. The bars are reshaped and hardened for the task ahead by a master toolmaker or blacksmith. Although the steel can never become ore again, it will always be steel. And steel can be reshaped for a new task. For example, a K-bar knife can become a surgeon’s scalpel.
Right now you are like a piece of steel that needs to be reshaped and repurposed for the task ahead.
2. Allow Jesus Christ to be the Master Smith of your life and the commander of your soul.
So often we don’t invite Jesus Christ (John 3:16-18) into the circumstances and predicaments that place a burden on us and stain our souls with guilt and shame. We‘re afraid to have Him open this part of our lives, because it’s such a mess. Or, we think, “How can Christ bring healing to this area of my life when I’ve destroyed so many others?”
Redefine who you think God is. Joshua 5:14 states, “ … I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come … ”
And Revelations 19:11-13 says, “Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God.”
Christ is no stranger to war or how it affects you. The only way to wholeness is through God’s forgiveness through Jesus (Romans 6:23). Deciding to submit to the one who made you will be the power-making difference. If you are ready, submit to Jesus Christ. By doing this, God can start the process of reforming His steel.
Are you ready to submit to the Master Smith? To allow Him to reform His steel and set a new task for you? This isn’t some cookie-cutter experience; everyone’s journey will be different. But Christ always makes a new creation.
Set aside time to:
Ask Jesus, the Creator of life, for forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Invite Him to cleanse you of the attitudes of hate, fear, and any other emotions that occurred. Christ is the only one who wages war in sinless righteousness.
Ask for His help to cleanse and purify any guilt you feel. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
I was raised Southern Baptist and gave my life to Christ at an early age. However, when I entered the Navy I started rebelling. I was living for the day. After all, there were no guarantees that I would survive my tour of duty. I wanted to have fun while I could.
When I returned home from the Navy, I withdraw into myself. I wasn’t sure that I fit in any more. And I was pushing away friends who were asking the right questions as far as they knew.
I asked my father how he handled his return from war, and his answer started me on a journey that redefined my life. “I couldn’t,” he said. “However, God did.” That was when I realized I was the problem. I had bought into the idea of just starting over. At night I had nightmares, seeing the faces of the lives I had ended, and I was afraid I could hurt someone badly, if I lost control. I was attempting to control and or bury this part of myself that wasn’t what society says I should be.
So I decided to take some time alone. I didn’t need to change locations, just my pace of life. At first I used a few days of vacation to start praying and reading the Bible. Then I began setting aside time in the evenings. Soon I began experiencing my nightmares less frequently. I stared talking with a couple of friends about what all I was going through. I felt calmer.
At this point I decide to go deeper. The first thing I needed to do was redefine who I think God is. I decided to not place Him in a box I had been taught all my life; instead I would let the Bible define who He is. I started in Genesis and read through Revelation in about five months. God began to sow the seeds of peace in my heart. As God revealed Himself, I saw that He understood who I was. He started showing me the path I needed to walk.
3. Define the new normal.
The desire for normalcy isn’t wrong. You’ll just need to define the new normal, and have to face the forge to find it. I know the thought that just went through your mind: “Will I have to face the pain of these scars again? Quite frankly, that took a lot of effort the first time around.”
The only answer I can give is, “Yes.” If you want rest and peace for yourself and your family, you will have to face the pain once again. But there will be a difference: With Jesus Christ as the Commander of your soul, you won’t be facing this forge alone.
Yes, you have nicks, scraps, damaged edges, and a blunted point. You may even be a little bent out of shape, trying to avoid unpleasant facts about yourself instead of facing them. But now when you recognize a weakness, you can ask Jesus to help you change.
4. Address your guilt.
One of the more devastating feelings to come back with is guilt. I’ve counseled a number of veterans about these feelings … especially the guilt that comes from thinking that your actions could have changed the fate of someone or of a friend.
What is so devastating to our young men and women coming back from war is that all too often they become bogged down in the middle of the feelings, without ever analyzing the truth of these feeling. The first thing they try to do is dismiss what they feel and then allow them to fester and become a root of bitterness against yourself. Then they start to self medicate in order to hide from the pain that is eating at them. This can lead to a slow self destruction that could end in suicide.
One thing soldiers need to realize is that they will never change the fate of their friends, no matter how perfectly they could have performed on the battlefield. It was never in your hands; God is the ultimately the one in control.
You knew what could happen when you stepped onto battle, and yet you were willing to make those sacrifices. Is it inconceivable that your friends were willing to make the same sacrifices as you? Could it be that they were just as willing as you to put their life on the line for the team and friends, to stand in the gap?
It may be difficult to fully understand, but God is in control and is the author of life. He determines the end of a man, and how that fate will be glorifying to Him.
That brings us to the question, “Why did they have to die?” God’s answer is most likely, “So that you might live to seek me, that you can appreciate my Son’s sacrifice on the cross for you. You see, their death wasn’t about you. It was so they could point others to Me”. To give you freedom to live, knowing that they loved you. John 15:13 tells us, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
Right now you have a choice to make. You can either accept or reject the sacrifice your friends made. I pray that you live within the truth, mourn the loss of your friends, but celebrate the fact that you had them as a part of your life for a time, and respect the sacrifice they made.
5. Address unresolved emotions from your tour.
It’s time to start dealing with all the feelings you placed in your “trunk” during your tour of duty and then left sitting there, sealed up and untouched.
The Lord said in Numbers 31:19, ”And as for you, remain outside the camp seven days; whoever has killed any person, whoever has touched any slain, purify yourselves and your captives on the third day and seventh day.”
For example, you may be dealing with apathy, a thief that steals the life out from you. With each trip to the battlefield you would see any number of things that would make you want to scream in rage and pain, so your mind built a wall of bricks of apathy as a defense.
The problem is that at the time you welcomed not feeling any pain. This allowed you to maintain control of yourself. This place in your mind was a safe spot that helped keep your sanity in an insane world you were in at the time.
Now that safe spot has become a prison cell. It’s not that you don’t want to feel; your mind has built huge thick walls that makes it difficult for emotions to past thru either way. You may feel just fine, but your family keep finding hollowness to your actions they feel distance and unattached.
These walls you’ve built during your time at war must now be torn down. They may have been a protection for you then however, now they are a hindrance. This battle has to be fought every day to allow your heart to feel the pain of disappointment and the joy of loving your family. You have to ask Christ to pull out the heart of stone you built as a protection and replace it with a heart of flesh. Take apathy and introduce it to a lot of C4. You must purposely seek out the apathy that seeking to build up prison walls and destroy it. It won’t rest and nether can you.
These days we don’t tell our soldiers to stay away from their families; we send them home, baggage and all. You may need to spend concentrated time “outside the camp” with Christ. Allow Him the freedom to reach into your life to cleanse and bring healing. Give Him unrestricted access to everything in your trunk in order to purify whatever He finds in there.
Pray for His help to leave the baggage at His feet. It’s not His if you keep picking it back up.
Say to Christ that He has full rights to reach into your life. Surrender entirely to His leadership.
Spend extended time in God’s Word. Meditate on the truth of His Word.
Continuing the journey
Getting real with Christ about the feelings and emotions of war won’t be easy. But every time you do this, He will rain peace and wholeness back over the war-torn ground of your heart and emotions.
If you are married, your relationship deserves your full attention, not the leftovers of your energy. Your transition home is going to be difficult enough; don’t lay aside your most vital resource of strength you have. Don’t get caught thinking you can fix yourself without involving anyone else. You don’t want to make your wife and family suffer, but they are doing just that … they are involved. They love you and want to help, but have no clue how.
You have to use a pry bar on your emotions to share what you’re feeling, sharing with them what is going through your mind, your heart, and your soul. Pray with them as a family should and you will find strength and understanding. That will be important in the days ahead. It is only through inviting your loved ones into the struggles you’re facing that you emerge together.
Also, help your wife understand how she can best pray for you. No, she doesn’t need a blow-by-blow description of what you have lived through, but she does need to know how you are being affected and how to pray. She is in the same bunker as you. Fight for your home and family together.
And band together with other brothers- and sisters-in-arms. Not to relive wartime events, but to encourage each other to get real before Christ. Pray for one another. Pick each other up when you fall.
The battles you fought in war don’t have to control your future. Take Christ by the hand and allow Him to reshape the course of your life. By doing this you will find the peace that only comes from the Prince of Peace. He will walk this journey with you … every step of the way.
In last week’s Marriage Memo I wrote about John Portilla and Carole Anne Riddell, the Manhattan couple profiled in a New York Times “Vows” column after they left their original spouses for each other. The Times article was written as a celebration of two people who were “brave” enough to follow their heart so they could be together. But the controversy sparked by the article revealed that many readers saw through the sham.
In fact, here’s the type of article on bravery I like reading: Two people who realize their attraction to each other is just plain wrong. Rather than leaving their spouses, they commit themselves to upholding their wedding vows and renewing their respective marriages.
But let me move on to an interesting commentary I read about the Times article on Portilla and Riddell. Writing in the Huffington Post, Wendy Dennis exposed the “myth of the sophisticated divorce.”
The author wrote that she was troubled by “the apparently delusional manner in which these two people view the consequences of their choices on the people around them. I say delusional because Riddell and Portilla think they’re having a sophisticated divorce, by which I mean that they believe, as many people do in our culture, that it is possible to divorce and wreak havoc in the lives of others, and somehow go about it in a civilized manner.”
Today you see the “sophisticated divorce” portrayed on television–the main character who is divorced, gets along well with his ex-wife, and lives with his intelligent, mature, stable teenage daughter who often seems more wise than her parents. You hear echoes of the sophisticated divorce in the words of friends and family who divorce and claim the kids will be just fine. It’s the fantasy that all divorced parents want and so few achieve.
The reality is that divorce is nearly always troublesome and messy, and the children caught in the middle are damaged in ways that many parents hardly comprehend.
As Wendy Dennis wrote,
I have been guilty of falling into this trap, and I know many thoughtful and caring divorced parents who have unconsciously fallen into it as well. For not only do children lack any agency in their parents’ decision to divorce (not to mention its life-altering consequences), unlike many of their parents, they didn’t see that homemade bomb coming. It just landed in their lives one day and took them out.
…
What these two besotted newlyweds don’t seem to understand–or more likely prefer not to face–is that no matter how much they congratulate themselves for their handling of the debacle, or how resilient their children are, or how successful those children become later as adults, their children will have scars from the divorce, and they’ll bear those scars, in one way or another, for the rest of their lives.
I didn’t agree with everything Wendy Dennis wrote. She made it clear, for example, that she didn’t want to pass “moral judgment on two people who fell in love and decided to leave their marriages to be with each other.” Well, I guess on that point you’ll just have to call me judgmental.
She also wrote that she wasn’t arguing against divorce, although it sure seemed like she was. I would argue against divorce because it is against God’s design–as evidenced by the devastation she acknowledges in the lives of the children.
But she and I would agree on one thing: We take divorce much too lightly in our culture.
Stacy’s dating career could be described as “casual.” She would meet a man and throw herself into getting to know him while, in her heart, simultaneously keeping her options open. The rush of meeting someone new and connecting through physical touch made her feel wanted and important, but the idea of being tied down to someone made her nervous. She often found herself caught between hope and doubt, between the accelerator and the brake, between sex and the hope that he would want to leave her apartment afterward. After a while, her relationships would fizzle; she would lose interest because the relationship “just wasn’t going anywhere” or the guy would tire of waiting for her to “make up her mind” about their future.
After being tossed aside by his wife and the mother of their two children, Caleb declared to friends in his divorce recovery group, “Never again will I be hurt like that. Never again will I fall in love.” Bitterness and fear built 20-foot walls of self-protection.
Fast-forward life a few years and, to his surprise, Caleb found himself attracted to someone. He wondered if he could love and trust again. As quickly as hope would say, “Yes, you can,” fear would shift his heart into neutral. Just imagining being vulnerable made his heart tremble. The combination of Caleb’s passion for his new girlfriend and simultaneous fear of being hurt again found expression in a stayover arrangement. A few nights a week he would stay at her apartment, and occasionally she would stay at his, but both kept their separate residences, separate rent responsibilities, and ultimately separate lives.
Stacy and Caleb are in a dilemma: They want to be in an intimate, committed relationship but don’t want to take on the risks of marriage. Their solution? Strive for independent togetherness.
Commitment is a tough sale these days. Americans prize our national and economic independence, but now that mentality has dramatically invaded our social psyche about marriage, and it’s confusing us. We want to be with someone, but don’t want to be really with someone.
Typical arrangements
The dark hole inside independent togetherness is fear. Sex becomes the hiding place, an external behavior that gives the appearance of intimacy, but is really striving for self-protection. And so unmarried couples end up in different types of arrangements. These arrangements have varying degrees of vulnerability and commitment, but each seeks an independent togetherness.
Captive hook. Hook-up relationships often begin and end with a sex-without-strings mentality. No self-sacrifice required.
Yet these relationships have been defined by American culture as legitimate relationships. They aren’t. They are no-cost, shallow, empty-calorie thrills that have no nutritional value whatsoever.
People who engage in hook-ups rely on taking their clothes off to keep them from having to be emotionally naked. It’s a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” collusion between two people that ultimately leaves both of them hungry, malnourished, and for the most part pathetically looking for the next hook-up high hoping that one day they will finally discover something nourishing.
Living together. Somehow cohabitation—the halfway house to commitment—is now viewed as real commitment. Yet many people intuitively know what a decade of research has confirmed—that cohabitation is light-beer marriage: It tastes great, but comes at a great cost—it is less filling.
Despite the popularity of cohabitation, and eagerness of pop culture to glamorize it, marriage is still the ultimate “you’ve arrived” relationship. And yet to many in our divorce-fearful society, it is better to have “less filling” than more vulnerability to rejection, sadness, and heartbreak.
Really? I frequently tell cohabiting couples, who justify their trial marriage as a process to help them decide if a real marriage would work, that “trial marriages have trial commitments.” You really don’t know how much you could love or what you would be willing to give (read risk), and therefore, how intimate your relationship could be unless both of you jump into the deep end of the commitment pool with both feet. Sitting on the side and dipping one toe into the water to test the temperature isn’t swimming!
I stay, you stay. A more recent trend on the rise is stay-over relationships. This risk management strategy allows each person to maintain a separate residence to go home to. I think this is the halfway house to the halfway house of cohabitation (which, if my math is correct, makes it about one-fourth of the way to commitment!). Again, another independent togetherness arrangement meant to protect the self-interests of each person and reduce their risk.
Married without the blend. Another recent trend among married blended family couples is maintaining separate residences even after marriage and not even attempting to “blend” the family. As one man asked me, “Most people only think there are two options: marry and blend or stay single and break up. Can’t there be an option C where couples marry but don’t try to merge their households until the children are older?”
Merging households, children, parenting styles, traditions, etc., is a significant adjustment for most blended families and brings a great deal of stress, but trying to avoid togetherness is not a solution. I would much prefer you just stayed single until the kids were launched from the home and then marry, than pretend like you’re blending.
All of the above independent togetherness arrangements make risk management the primary guiding force behind their level of investment in the relationship. Noted family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.”
I say it this way: When I am protecting me from you there can’t be an “us.”
The safety of permanence
Let’s consider this observation by comparing it to marital sex. One function of marital sex is renewing the emotional bond of the couple and reminding them of their covenant to one another. From within the safety of permanence, the couple is free to engage in sexual touch that sustains and reinforces the specialness and safety of their relationship.
Outside of marriage, sex has a very different function: It creates a pseudo-bond between the couple that blurs the definition of their developing relationship and confuses physical closeness for emotional safety. Couples with little foundation to their relationship can be fooled into thinking they have more in the bank with one another than they really do.
In short, it makes you feel connected even when there is no substance to a relationship. Couples having sex outside of marriage are quite possibly writing checks with their lives based on a bankrupt account. In the end, they get hurt and waste a lot of time on a quick but shallow high.
In a blind act of self-sabotage, sexuality in dating is not viewed by today’s culture as something that contributes to vulnerability, rather, the assumption is that you can enjoy it while maintaining your separateness. You can have your cake and eat it too.
You don’t have to reveal yourself to another
You don’t have to accommodate your preferences while living in intimate relationship with another
You don’t risk your accumulated wealth
You don’t have to lose your independence or identity by getting married
You don’t have to risk having your child(ren) being raised by a stepparent
And you don’t risk being hurt … again.
In short, you can hide naked without consequence.
But this line of thinking is completely faulty. Independent togetherness strategies actually foster pain when what seemed to be real turns out not to be. Sometimes dating couples figure this out and break up (because “he just wasn’t the one”), while other couples don’t realize what has happened until they have already married and discover they really don’t know—or like—each other. Either scenario is completely avoidable.
Courageous dating
What is needed is the courage to date well (intelligently and romantically) and make a clear decision for marriage so that each person takes responsibility for leaping into the deep end of the pool. There are, of course, no guarantees of long-term marital success. Intimacy is inherently risky. But without the courage to take risks, love will remain a distant dream.
Here are some quick tips to help you avoid an independent togetherness dating arrangement.
1. Date with an eternal purpose in mind.
Recognize that one ultimate purpose of marriage is to further disciple us into the image of Christ. This reality should change everything. Pursue relationships that keep you connected to God, not withdrawing from Him in shame.
2.Get healthy.
Does your relationship history testify to the presence of fear in your life? Have you settled for independent togetherness relationships in order to “play it safe”? Take it before the Lord and ask the Spirit to help you to get healthy. Peel away the layers of your emotions and see what Lord wants to redeem in you so you aren’t paralyzed by it any longer.
3. Take off the blindfold.
If you have been hiding naked in sexuality, it’s time to move back to sexual purity until marriage. Even if you’re in a cohabiting situation and regularly engaging in sex, it’s time to stop. The only way to recover an objective perspective about the health of your relationship—and more importantly, about your true priorities—is to remove the mirage that sex before marriage produces.
Maintaining a desire for the best in your dating life—and in your future marriage—starts by trusting that God has your best interest in mind when it comes to His boundaries around sex. God knows what a powerful force sexuality is in our lives. After all, He designed it. By declaring sexuality before marriage a sin, He is not being a simpleton or a killjoy; He is trying to protect you from a shallow relationship and personal pain.
The only question is, do you trust His motives and His insight? Saving sex until after marriage protects the objectivity of your dating, ripens your commitment to each other, and then after marriage, as a symbol of marital oneness blossoms in a pleasurable celebration of love. That’s worth waiting for.
4. If you are a single parent or are dating a single parent, you should date with awareness that marriage forms a couple relationship and creates a family.
In my book Dating and the Single Parent I point out that when you already have children, the dating relationship inherently creates a competing attachment to the parent and child. The choice to be with the dating partner or children generally means the other is left waiting … and wondering how their relationship with you is being influenced by your relationship with the other.
In addition, children commonly feel some insecurity about their mom or dad’s relationship with another person. Wise singles recognize this important dynamic and don’t assume that becoming a couple necessarily means that they can become a family. They attend to both and take time assessing how the potential stepfamily relationships are developing.
5. Choose to risk, choose to love.
At the end of the day, there are no guarantees on love. We live in a fallen world and you and I are fallen, imperfect people. Because of that, being in a loving relationship sometimes hurts. Marriage, to be successful, needs to be an “all-in” experience. Dating, on the other hand, is a progressively “moving toward all-in” experience. Each new depth requires a little more openness, a little more trust, a little more risk.
To pull up short of the risk required is to revert back to hiding. If you find the relationship unsafe at the new depth, then by all means, pull back. But then again, maybe it was your lack of risk that made it unsafe.
Knowing when to risk, and when not to, is never easy. One thing is for sure: A love that is motivated by self-preservation never matures into selfless love, and independent togetherness dating relationships never find oneness.
Life to Bill Barnett was a one-way street with no way out.
His marriage was ending. His wife was seeing another man and she wanted custody of their two small children.
Every time Bill grasped for a glimmer of hope to save his dying marriage, it slipped away. What could be the answer to his crushing problems?
Sitting in his one-bedroom apartment, Bill typed a single word on his computer: suicide. He searched the internet for information on how to end his life.
An unexpected website popped up. “As I read it,” Bill says, “I realized that my life was not mine to take.” The website led him through a prayer to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. “My heart and mind were instantly filled with the knowledge and love of Christ.”
Bill Barnett was no longer alone. He had found the source of hope … a reason to believe in his tomorrows. Yet those tomorrows would not be trouble-free.
2003
Two years after his divorce was finalized, Bill and Jerrie began dating. When they married in November 2003, they brought their past hurts into their relationship. Jerrie’s parents had divorced when she was 14 years old; she lived with her father, rarely saw her mother, and struggled with anger.
Now, Jerrie had difficulty dealing with Bill’s ex-wife, who had a challenging personality. Jerrie told Bill that he was too soft on his ex-wife and that she sometimes felt as though his ex-wife were “the other woman.” Bill, on the other hand, felt as though he had two wives and couldn’t please either one of them. “Our marriage was not a happy marriage,” Jerrie says. “However, we did love each other.”
But could love alone sustain their marriage?
2007
Both Jerrie and Bill knew their relationship was struggling. They finally saw some hope when Jerrie recalled something that her high school Sunday school teacher had taught her: to personalize Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
Why these particular verses? Because they are a reminder that God has appointed all of the times and seasons of life—the good and the bad.
Jerrie and Bill sat down together and wrote:
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time for trust to be born and a time for unforgiveness to die;
A time to plant God’s timing and a time to pluck out our own expectations;
A time to kill past disappointments and a time for our friendship to heal;
A time to break down walls of fear and a time to build up our family;
A time to weep at God’s feet and a time to laugh with each other;
A time to mourn our personal relationship with the Lord
and a time to dance in the presence of God;
A time to cast away stones of doubt and pride and a time to gather stones of dreams and hope;
A time to embrace correction and a time to refrain from embracing the desires of the world;
A time to gain understanding and a time to lose doing things our way;
A time to keep God first in everything we do and a time to throw away guilt;
A time to tear down walls and a time to sow seeds of longsuffering;
A time to keep silent in times of anger and a time to speak life and encouragement to each other;
A time to learn about love and a time to hate words of death;
A time of war for our destiny and a time of peace in our marriage.
The Barnetts felt good about their declaration of commitment to God and to one another. They vowed to fight for their marriage … to seek understanding and harmony. And they prayed that God would give them a “time of peace.”
A Weekend to Remember® getaway
A few months later, the Barnetts sensed God’s direction in a very unlikely way. While listening to radio station KCMS, the announcer said that the tenth caller named “Jerrie” would win its Family Name Game contest. Jerrie’s ears perked up and she dialed the contest number.
It wasn’t long before she heard, “Congratulations! You’re the tenth caller.”
“I felt happy to win something,” Jerrie says. Then she learned about her prize: tickets to a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage getaway, on the same weekend as their fourth anniversary.
Bill and Jerrie didn’t know much about the Weekend to Remember, but they decided to give it a try. “By the end of the first session,” Jerrie says, “we were excited to come back. And by the end of the getaway God had already started a deep work in our marriage.”
The Barnetts say that God’s blueprints for marriage were presented in a tangible, practical way that they could relate to. Jerrie learned about biblical submission and how to deal with conflict. Bill learned about Jerrie’s need for spiritual leadership, how to empower his wife and children, and how to deal with conflict.
They also began to really listen to one another as they shared past hurts. And they began a life-long pattern of asking for and granting forgiveness. When Bill and Jerrie left the marriage getaway they say they not only felt clean; but also wanted to help others find hope for their marriages.
Helping others
After the getaway, the Barnetts joined the Weekend to Remember volunteer team for Seattle. Doing this has helped them grow closer together, and also opened doors to new friendships. “The people on our team are dedicated to marriages,” Jerrie says, “and we all build each other up and help one another.”
Jerrie and Bill know the power of prayer and are involved year-round as co-leaders of the Seattle prayer team. They encourage couples to bring groups to a Weekend to Remember, and they also volunteer in the marriage getaway resource center.
They’ve introduced their small group at church to FamilyLife’s small-group Bible studies, the HomeBuilders Couple Series®. They’ve learned about communication, blended families, and building your spouse’s self-esteem.
“We are FamilyLife HomeBuilders,” Jerrie says, “because we believe in the ministry that FamilyLife offers and want to support marriages.”
Today
In 2001, Bill Barnett felt life was a one-way street with no way out. When he sat in his one-bedroom apartment and contemplated suicide, he could not envision the wonderful things that God had in store for him.
Today, Jesus Christ is at the center of not only his life, but also his marriage.& His future with Jerrie is filled with hope—a busy highway filled with countless possibilities.
Read stories of HomeBuilders (how God is working through ordinary people to change lives for eternity).
On June 28, 2006, after another heated argument brought me to the point of calling a marriage counselor, my husband forwarded an e-mail to me at work. The subject line read: “Conference Registration Received” and he added:
You know, Steph, I’ve been trying to figure out what the issues are, what the solutions are to fixing those issues, and I can’t. I’ve been thinking about it all morning … then it pops into my mind … Weekend to Remember! I don’t think either of us have good tools, or know exactly what to do, but I bet these people do at the conference. I don’t think you need to seek counseling, at least not yet. …
I also don’t believe this is only your issue, it’s our issue together. We will figure this out. I hope this gesture lightens your day and brings a ray of hope and a relief of burden to you.
I started to cry as I read Duane’s e-mail. A Weekend to Remember® marriage conference meant that Duane wanted to work on our marriage. So I cancelled my counseling appointment and buckled in to wait for the September 22 conference.
Constant arguments
Although Duane and I had been married less than two years, we quarreled about a lot of things. We regularly hurt each other’s feelings, and Duane found himself sleeping on the couch many nights.
We are a blended family, so we’d argue about the way I was raising my children and the way he was raising his. We disagreed about finances, delegating chores around the house, communication (or lack of), and on and on. We argued about big things and little things.
I remember one day when I put all of Duane’s folded clothing on his dresser so he could put them away. He asked why I didn’t just finish the job. To which I responded, “I took the laundry to the laundry room, I washed the clothing, I dried the clothing, I folded the clothing and all you can do is complain. How about a thank-you for all the work I’ve already done?”
We couldn’t stop arguing. We couldn’t ask each other questions without the other person jumping to conclusions about why the question was asked. We rarely complimented each other and often felt slighted.
Despite our challenges, I really wanted our marriage to last—and so did Duane. I love my husband so much but was tired of being hurt by him … and was tired of hurting him. Neither of us knew what to do.
A ray of light
Duane was listening to a Christian radio station when he heard an ad for the Weekend to Remember conference and decided to register for it. He knew that both of us lacked the tools to make our marriage work.
When we went to the conference last September, Duane and I needed a cure. And we got it: We learned that God is the healer of marriage. We laughed. We cried. We felt a ray of light come through the clouds and shine on our marriage.
The speakers reminded us that conflict in marriage is inevitable, and they also gave us the communication tools that we needed. We learned how to talk respectfully when we disagree and how to seek understanding.
But the biggest breakthrough for me was when a speaker asked us to hold the hand of our spouse. After asking what we felt he said, “It’s warm, living, flesh and blood.” Then he read Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
Wow! That simple reminder has made a huge difference in our marriage. If Duane and I begin arguing, I often reach out and touch him to remind both of us that we are not battling flesh and blood. This helps to refocus our attention so we can remember that we are in this together fighting the same battle.
Lessons learned
Before I respond to Duane, I now pray and think about the words I’ll say. I try not to get defensive. I remember that my husband has had a hard life and he cares about me and is doing the best he can. If we need to take a break, we take a break. If we need to agree to disagree, we do that as well. We try to remember that the problem is the problem. We aren’t the problem.
I’ve also learned to lean on God more than I lean on Duane. I fear I used Duane as my crutch when he wasn’t made to handle all of my problems. He’s a “fixer”—so when I came to him with my work struggles, children struggles, ex-husband struggles, family struggles, and house struggles, he was burdened beyond his ability. Now, if I want to vent about my day, I try to remember to preface it with, “I don’t need you to fix this for me, I just want you to listen.” Or I talk with God as I would have talked to Duane.
Duane has also changed a lot during the past year. He is much more patient. He recognizes his problems and admits when he’s struggling in a certain area. He also seems to understand that both he and I bring important gifts into our marriage. He realizes that it’s okay to listen to what I have to say, that he doesn’t have to carry so many burdens around all the time, and that it’s okay for me to help out.
My daughter is like a sponge now—soaking everything in. I recently noticed her casually listening while Duane and I talked about a very important family issue. I think the fact that Duane and I can now have deep conversations about a touchy subject without getting into a huge fight makes a difference. She is learning to deal with people in a healthy way.
Annual tune-ups
Although we still get in arguments today, they aren’t heated like they used to be. We now realize that disagreement is part of marriage, and we do the best we can to resolve issues in a God-honoring way. We’re kinder to each other these days … accepting of each other.
Duane and I believe our marriage is worth a good tune-up once a year. That’s why we’re registered for the upcoming Weekend to Remember in Louisville. There are things we may have forgotten, or new things we may not have caught the first time. We probably remembered the things from last year’s conference based on the issues we had then. This year holds new struggles. Next year will be something else. That’s why we plan to go to the conference each year.
We know we need training. No one is born a perfect husband or a perfect wife. The Weekend to Remember is the training we need.
Becky seemed to work more diligently on her family picture than any of her other kindergarten classmates. She wanted it to be perfect. After all, this was going to be imprinted on a plate, taken home, and cherished forever. With the focus of a surgeon, Becky carefully drew a picture of herself beside her mom and the family dog. She included every detail, even drawing the little baby inside Mom’s belly. In Becky’s mind, the picture was complete.
The drawing was soon etched onto the plate, and Becky proudly took it home. There was only one problem: Becky’s parents were not divorced. Becky’s mother wasn’t a single mom. “But that’s how she saw our family,” her father Ron says. “I was working so many hours that I wasn’t even in the picture.”
Twenty-five years later, Ron still has that plate. It reminds him that dads need to be intentional about being involved in the lives of their children.
Get in the picture
Do you want to be in the picture with your kids? Don’t fall for the lie that says they’ll naturally grow up to love the Lord with or without your involvement. A father’s positive presence and parental participation are huge factors in raising children who love the Lord.
Huge.
If you’re a dad reading this book instead of watching ESPN or trading stocks on the internet, good for you. If you’re a mom whose husband is always glued to the TV, the computer, or the work he’s brought home from the office, encourage him to read this.
Most fathers want to be involved. We want to be good role models and positive influences in our children’s lives. We want to affirm and support and love our kids. We just don’t always know how.
All dads feel a great deal of pressure. You probably have moments when you feel you are totally in over your head, nights when you can’t draw an easy breath. Here’s something you might want to know: Those feelings of inadequacy are a relief to the Lord. A know-it-all attitude gets in the way of God’s work, but a recognition of your need for help opens the door for the Lord to step in.
There’s no map or GPS for parenthood; you might as well admit that, sooner or later, you’re going to have to ask for directions.
Gifts your kids need from you
Dads, there are some things only you can give your kids. And I’m not talking about basketball shoes or cell phones or bigger allowances or expensive vacations. These are gifts much more important than that—and much more valuable. Give your children these gifts, and you will reap the benefits for years to come. Withhold them, and you take the chance of watching helplessly as they head down the wrong road.
Gift #1: Love their mom
Remember how it felt when you were dating, before you got married, before the kids came along? Remember how your heart raced when she came into the room? Remember how desperate you were to get her attention? You spent hours thinking about her, writing notes and letters and maybe even poems, trying to sweep her off her feet and show her how you cared.
Do it again.
Communicate regularly and lovingly with your wife—especially in front of the children. Keep your disputes or arguments private. Take an interest in her interests, do unexpected things for her, treat her the way you did when you were pursuing her. You may think that romancing your wife has little to do with fatherhood, but it is key to helping your children feel safe and loved.
Block out a night once or twice a month for a date night with your wife—just the two of you. I know, I know. You think you’re too busy or it’s too expensive. But it’s an investment you can’t afford not to make. If you have small children and can’t pay a babysitter, find another couple and trade off watching each other’s children once a month. Trust me, it will breathe life into the two of you. Both you and your children will benefit.
When our kids were very young, Beth and I would be getting ready for a date night. I’d start speaking in glowing terms to the kids about my plans for the night. They would run back and forth reporting to Beth any secret nuggets about the activities of the evening. Eventually, one of them would look up at me and beg, “Can I go with you?”
My answer was always the same: “No way. I have a date with the most beautiful woman in the world and you are not invited.”
Does that sound cold or unloving? It wasn’t. It was a blessing, a benediction. It gave each of them just what they needed—a sense of security and assurance. Later that night when the babysitter would tuck them into bed, they would fall asleep knowing, “My mommy loves my daddy, and my daddy loves my mommy.”
When you are a child, that’s a pretty healthy way to end your day.
Love your wife and show it. The best way to be a good father is to be a good husband.
Gift #2: Teach your kids respect
Part of the growing-up process is to test boundaries: to see how much you can get away with; to see where the lines are drawn. Your children will push back. You need to be clear about what’s expected of them. Teaching them respect begins in the early years, and it must be reinforced by both parents.
Don’t believe it? See how fast your preschooler will go ask Daddy when Mommy says no.
Teach them simple lessons to undergird the importance of respect:
Look people in the eyes when you speak to them.
The universe doesn’t revolve around you.
Express thanks with a grateful heart.
Dive in and serve.
Respond with obedience the first time you’re asked.
Treat your mother with respect and honor.
Parents can be great at making excuses for their children’s lack of respect: “She’s shy,” “He didn’t get much sleep last night,” or “He’s only thrown a temper tantrum twice this morning—so he’s improving.”
Well, maybe that’s all true, but the bottom line is, you get what you expect. Set the bar high, and when they don’t rise to it, administer appropriate consequences. Inherently your children want to please you, so start early teaching them respect for themselves, for others, for property, and for God.
Dad, show some backbone. You may be able to stand up to the board of directors of your $50-million company, but that won’t count for much if you can’t stand up to your 7-year-old when he back talks his mother, or to your teenage daughter when she starts to leave the house wearing something inappropriate.
Pour into your son a respect for the opposite sex: Show basic courtesy and honor to a female of any age. You are his model. Show him by example how women should be treated. Teach your daughter never to accept disrespectful or controlling attitudes. If she sees gentleness and respect in you, she won’t tolerate being mistreated by boys.
Gift #3: Encourage your kids
Your children need to know that you are in their corner. We are all busy and pulled in a lot of directions, but when your son or daughter takes the stage, the court, or the field, that glance into the crowd is a subtle search for significance. Your absence deflates them. Your presence shouts that they have value. They can pick your voice out of a crowd with the precision of a piano tuner.
In his book You Have What It Takes, Christian author John Eldredge says, “Your son or daughter, no matter how old, will always want and need to hear those words from you, ‘You have what it takes … You are worth fighting for.'”
Your positive comments and attitude help shape your children’s self-esteem. Affirm them. Let them know you’re proud. Let your daughter know that you think she’s beautiful and smart, talented and capable. Catch your son doing something right and commend him in front of others.
Dads play a key role in determining whether children venture outside their comfort zone or fearfully settle for a status quo existence. Your genuine affirmation provides a safety net for taking risks and stretching their confidence.
Dads, be encouraged. You can do this. You really can … Just not on your own. Invite the Lord and your wife into the equation. From this point forward, things can be different. Things can be better.
Check your priorities. Be intentional.
Slow down. Step up.
Get in the picture.
When you look back years from now, both you and your family will be glad you did.
Back in 1952, the St. Paul Insurance Company office in Portland, Oregon, had a rule against office romance. But when Cleve Porter-Smith, fresh out of high school, began work at the office and met Ron Boehi, one of Ron’s first questions was whether she was dating anyone.
They began seeing each other, and few co-workers at the office knew what was going on. So imagine the shock when Ron and Cleve announced their engagement during the office Christmas party.
They were married on July 31, 1953. And this year they celebrated their sixtieth anniversary. In a culture where divorce has become commonplace, when a growing number of people are avoiding or postponing marriage, my parents have provided a legacy of love and commitment to their children and grandchildren.
A source of strength
My wife, Merry, put together a notebook for my parents that included notes from my sister and me, our spouses, our children, and my daughters’ spouses. Reading through the notes, it was clear that my parents’ marriage has been a source of strength for all of us. Here are some quotes:
What an honor it is for me to say, “My parents are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary this year!” In this day and age when families split apart and divorce is so prevalent, I think of how blessed and thankful I am to have parents who love each other and have worked hard at having a successful marriage. –Denise Munson (daughter)
You truly have one of the greatest love stories the world has known. I’m proud to be a part of that legacy. –Merry Boehi (daughter-in-law)
When I reflect on your wonderful marriage of 60 years I observe that your success is built on your love of God, love of family, love of friends, love of community, and love of laughter. By your example you have taught, inspired and provided me guidance in my marriage and life. Thank you! –Dave Munson (son-in-law)
It means so much to me that you are still together after all these years and are such great role models for all of our family. I know that times haven’t been and won’t always be easy, but watching you guys, I know that it is possible to stay together and make a marriage last. –Missy O’Dell (granddaughter)
I wanted to let you both know that your sixtieth anniversary is truly a great milestone and example to our generation that a long-lasting, happy marriage is attainable, if you set your priorities straight. Your faith and constant devotion towards sacrificing for one another has always been transparent to me and shown me the importance of sacrifice in marriage. It truly is special to see a relationship that can last over such a long time. –Ryan O’Dell (husband of granddaughter)
You have been a guiding light and an inspiration to me. Not only have you created a family whose main focus is to love and support each other, but have also imparted on us many aspects of a successful relationship. I have learned the importance of a relationship based on equality, honesty, communication, and passion. –Jessica Munson (granddaughter)
Your demonstration of unconditional love is one that I can only hope to measure up to. I have to say, especially in my generation, it is not common to observe a relationship so strong. –Chris Munson (grandson)
I am so happy to have the memories I do of all your milestone anniversaries and all the lessons I have learned from you. I can only strive to be like you both and enjoy 60 years of marriage myself one day! –Bethany Johnson (granddaughter)
I am so proud to call you family and I greatly appreciate your love for me and my family. You are very special people. –David Johnson (husband of granddaughter)
Sometimes we forget just how much our marriage means to other people, especially our children. No matter what else they’ve accomplished in their lives, 60 years of marriage may be my parents’ greatest achievement and greatest legacy.
George sits in church, unable to focus on the sermon. He’s a mess. The night before, he had encouraged his wife to go to bed without him because “the game wouldn’t be over until really late.”
The truth was, he’d been looking forward all day to checking out some porn sites. While mowing the grass that Saturday morning, he had thought his plan through.
Now, sitting in church, he feels guilt and shame. He’s miserable, exhausted from being up so late—he had lost track of time and didn’t go to bed until after 2 a.m. He’s ready to doze off in the middle of the sermon.
On one level, he hates what he’s done. He looks around and wonders what people would say if they knew, especially since he’s a deacon. He can’t imagine telling his friends—let alone his wife. But even in the midst of his guilt, he knows he enjoyed it. The images continue to swirl in his mind, and he can’t wait to go back. He gets a thrill from porn like nothing else in his life. He could laugh out loud as he compares sitting and listening to a sermon with the adventure and pleasure of the night before. He hates it and he loves it at the same time.
George has been a Christian for a long time and knows how God says he should live. And he wants to live for God, to be a loving husband and father. But the pull of his lust is strong, and he can’t imagine his life without it.
Do you know what it’s like to sit in the church, feeling guilty? Are there behaviors in your life that fill you with shame? Are you living in the tension of doing things you know to be wrong while being incapable of imagining your life without them?
Sexual sin sucks life and vitality from men
Our culture teaches that our masculinity is directly connected to our sexual activity. It celebrates sexual conquest, mocking monogamy in marriage and chastity in singleness.
Sexual sin does not make us more of a man—it emasculates us!
For married men, lust robs you of the ability to love your wife and children. You brought selfish expectations of sex into marriage and have taken matters into your own hands when it failed to satisfy. Because sexual sin is such a source of “life” for you, those you are called to love and cherish, shepherd and protect, become an annoyance. They are reduced to obstacles, keeping you from the pleasures you crave.
In the end, sexual sin sucks life and vitality from us. This is part of what is in view when 1 Corinthians 6 describes sexual sin as against our own body. Perhaps more than any other form of sin, it leaves us utterly drained spiritually.
Further, and in a tragically ironic sense, our pursuit of sexual sin ultimately robs us of our ability to truly enjoy sex, to experience sexual satisfaction. Ephesians 4:18-19 touches on this reality: “They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.”
The Greek word translated as “greedy”—pleonexia—literally means “a desire to have more.” It is referring to utter insatiability. The NIV translates this as “having a continual lust for more.” When we abandon ourselves to indulging in our sexual pleasure, disregarding God’s calling and the vows we’ve made to spouses, the result is slavery. Like a donkey chasing a carrot on a stick, the harder we strive to experience sexual satisfaction, the more it eludes us—even as our reckless pursuit of sexual contentment takes us into deeper and darker perversions. This is what is in view with “every kind of impurity.” It means that we will meet with the law of diminishing returns. What once satisfied us no longer does, and we need to go further into the mess to experience the same thrill.
Jesus restores our manhood
Jesus’ mission is to make us real men! He wants us to be free from enslaving desire and behaviors. He doesn’t want us to be emasculated men, but “strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy” (Colossians 1:11).
Jesus invites us to joy and contentment as we learn that the Christian life is best characterized, not by what we don’t get to do, but by the abundant life Christ offers us. God wants to give us more, not less. Our flesh, the world, and the enemy would have us believe that God is holding out on us, but these are vicious lies against the God who, in love, both created and redeemed us. Jesus describes this contrast poignantly in John 10:10. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Brothers, God is not holding out on us in calling us out of our sinful behavior and desires—He wants to give us life! He offers to liberate us from our bondage and bring us to sexual sanity.
The irony is, Jesus promises to give us what we’re hoping to find in sexual sin. Sex has become an idol for us, but the reality is that our idols are counterfeits that make huge promises, but always fail to deliver. They promise life, but bring only destruction and loss of what is most valuable. They promise excitement and contentment, but eventually lead to emptiness and despair. In a tragic demonstration of the truth of John 10, sexual sin robs us even of the ability to experience sexual fulfillment; we are left only with a “continual lust for more.” Pursuit of sexual sin leaves us sexually insatiable and unsatisfied, filled with yearning and discontent.
But here’s the rub: Often the Christian life doesn’t fit our expectations. It doesn’t seem like an abundant life. We experience everything from minor disappointments to horrific trauma—even as Christians—that seem to belie the promises offered by Jesus. There are reasons we turn to sexual sin. The challenges of life in a fallen world cause us to question God’s goodness and faithfulness. We’re tempted to live like orphans, taking matters into our own hands and looking for contentment and comfort wherever we can find it.
But Jesus was straight with us. He told us that the Christian life would involve taking up our crosses, denying ourselves, and laying down our lives for His sake and glory. Although some make the declaration, “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life,” this really needs to be qualified. When Jesus invites you to follow Him, He hands you a heavy cross—with splinters—that you’re expected to throw up on your shoulder, carry up a steep hill, and when you get to the top … they’re going to kill you.
But Jesus’ promise to us is that there’s a resurrection on the other side of that death. We are called to deny ourselves because the reward He offers is greater than our desires. He says that if you try to save your life you’ll lose it, but if you lose it for his sake, you’ll find it.
Jesus wants you to experience freedom and joy. He promises you abundant life and—in the midst of the battle against sin—wants you to discover in Him what will truly satisfy your soul. He wants to free you from slavery and show you what it truly means to be a man!
There is nothing I need more in my life than more of the love of Jesus.
I need more of His love for my wife—the woman God has called me to serve until death. I need more of His love for my children and the rest of my extended family. I need more of His love for the church, including the spiritual brothers and sisters it is sometimes hard for me to love. I need more of His love for my neighbors who still need to hear the gospel, and for all the lost and the lonely people who are close to the heart of God even when they are far from my thoughts.
Everywhere I go, and in every relationship I have in life, I need more of the love of Jesus. The place where I need it the most is in my relationship with God Himself, the Lover of my soul. What about you? Are you loving the way Jesus loves? Or do you need more of His love in your life—more love for God and for other people?
The Love Chapter
One of the first places people look for love in the Bible is 1 Corinthians 13. It is one of the most famous passages in Scripture, mainly because it is read so often at weddings. Some people call it “the Love Chapter,” which is appropriate because it mentions love (agape) explicitly and implicitly more than a dozen times.
First Corinthians 13 is the Bible’s most complete portrait of love. A literature professor would call it an encomium, which is “a formal or high-flown expression of praise.” The Love Chapter is a love song for love, in which the apostle Paul establishes the necessity of love (verses 1-3), sketches the character of love (verses 4-7), and celebrates the permanence of love (verses 8-13) as the greatest of all God’s gifts.
One way to make sure we do not miss what God has for us in 1 Corinthians 13 is to remember who the Corinthians were and what God said to them in this letter. If there was one thing the Corinthians needed, it was more of the love of Jesus. The church was sharply divided over theology, practice, social class, and spiritual gifts.
Some said they followed Paul. Others followed Peter or Apollos—”my apostle is better than your apostle!” Then there were those—and this was the ultimate form of spiritual one-upmanship—who claimed to follow Christ. There were similar conflicts about ministry, with various Corinthians claiming that their charismatic gifts were the be-all and end-all of Christianity—”my ministry is more important than your ministry!” This was the issue in chapter 12, where the apostle reminded them that although the church is made of many parts, we all belong to one body.
So when Paul wrote about love in chapter 13, he was not trying to give people something nice to read at weddings. After all, the love he writes about here is not eros (the romantic love of desire), but agape (the selfless love of brothers and sisters in Christ). Instead of preparing people for marriage, then, the apostle was trying desperately to show a church full of self-centered Christians that there is a better way to live—not just on your wedding day but every day for the rest of your life. The Love Chapter is not for lovers, primarily, but for all the loveless people in the church who think that their way of talking about God, or worshiping God, or serving God, or giving to God is better than everyone else.
The impossible standard
Here is another mistake that many people make: We tend to read 1 Corinthians 13 as an encouraging, feel-good Bible passage full of happy thoughts about love. Instead, I find the passage to be almost terrifying, because it sets a standard for love I know I could never meet.
None of us lives with this kind of love, and there is an easy way to prove it: Start reading with verse four and insert your own name into the passage every time you see the word “love.” For example: “Phil is patient and kind; Phil does not envy or boast; he is not arrogant or rude. He does not insist on his own way; he is not irritable or resentful; he does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Phil bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Phil never fails.” Do the same thing for yourself and you will know how I feel: not very loving at all.
It reads very differently, though, when we put Jesus in the picture. If 1 Corinthians 13 is a portrait of love, then it is really a sketch of the Savior we meet in the Gospels: “Jesus is patient and kind; Jesus does not envy or boast; Jesus is not arrogant or rude. Jesus does not insist on his own way; he is not irritable or resentful; he does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Jesus bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Jesus never fails.”
What only love can do
Paul encourages us to read the Love Chapter in a Christ-centered way by the dramatic shift he makes between verses one to three, where he speaks in the first person, and verses four to eight, where love is personified. First the apostle tells us what he cannot do without love; then [as Pastor Josh Moody said in a sermon], he tells us what only love can do. And the reason love can do all these things is that it has become incarnate in Jesus Christ.
Jesus is everything that I am not. He alone has “love divine, all loves excelling.” This realization does not crush me; it liberates me, because the love of Jesus is so big that He loves even me. And because He loves me, He has promised to save me, to forgive me and change me. We are nothing without love. But when we know Jesus, who does nothing without love, He will help us love the way that He loves.
In a subsequent letter to the Corinthians, Paul testified to the life-transforming love of Jesus, which turns our affections inside-out by compelling us to stop loving ourselves and start loving others: “For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15)—the Savior who died and rose again so that you could live with His love.
Love Jesus
I invite you to welcome His love into your life. Confess that you are not the lover you ought to be and ask Jesus to change your heart. Say something like this: “Jesus, you are everything that I am not. You are pure love, and I am only the loveless sinner that you always knew I would be. But in your perfect love, I pray that you would forgive my hateful sins and teach my loveless heart to love the way that you love.”
Last year, my husband, Mark, and I were not getting along well. We had been in and out of counseling, and it seemed like we were always going over the same problems.
That all began to change in November 2007 when I happened to hear about the Weekend to Remember® marriage conference while listening to a local radio station. I told Mark that we needed to go to it. At first he kind of fought me on it. I told him that we didn’t have a choice and said, “I’m signing us up. We are going.”
Until then, I don’t think Mark had really admitted to himself that we were pretty close to the end if we didn’t do something. I had been through one divorce and didn’t want the kids to have to go through that again.
Things didn’t begin well for our Weekend to Remember. Mark and I had an argument as we drove to the conference, and we really didn’t like each other when stepped into the ballroom. Only God could have turned that evening into a weekend that transformed our marriage, our lives, our family … forever.
A turning point
The conference was an eye-opener for Mark and me as we heard God’s purpose and plan for marriage. One phrase that struck us both very powerfully was, “My spouse is not my enemy. My spouse is a gift given to me by God.” I think grasping that truth was a turning point for both of us.
It was neat to see couples who on Friday night were just bodies sitting by one another transform into lovers on Sunday. They sat with their arms entwined around each other and hands clasped. Mark and I were among those couples.
Today we still use a lot of what we learned at the Weekend to Remember. One of the biggest changes is that neither one of us ever mentions the word divorce any more. We made a commitment to never threaten divorce because we love each other—and it’s not even a consideration when things don’t seem so bright.
Remembering that “My mate is not my enemy,” has also been huge for us. If we are in an argument one or the other one will say (depending on who is more upset), “I’m not the enemy, I love you. I’m your spouse.” Those words always remind me that whatever we’re disagreeing about is temporary. It instantly makes me tone it down to a level where Mark and I can calmly talk.
We’re also much better about listening to one another. Now we sit back and let each other finish a sentence instead of instantly getting mad and trying to jump in to defend ourselves or blame the other person. We’ve learned to listen and really try to hear what’s being said and not what we think someone means.
Nine times out of ten our arguments have come from one of us misinterpreting what the other one was trying to say. Sometimes one of us will now say, “Hey, that’s not what I meant.”
Mark and I work together and that can be very trying at times. In the past, when things didn’t go right, we blamed each other. Now, if Mark or I start to point fingers and say something is “your” fault, the other will say what we learned at the Weekend to Remember, “This isn’t about blaming each other. It’s not a you or a me problem. It’s just a conflict that needs to be resolved.” And that’s really helped quite a bit.
The weekend taught us huge things about dealing with conflict in front of the kids. We learned that it’s okay for them to notice that we’re not exactly happy with each other. But today we say, “We need to go talk for a few minutes and when we are all done talking things will be fine, but we just need to talk by ourselves.”
The older kids have noticed a difference in the way we communicate. It’s really funny because if they see things getting a little tense once in a while they say, “Remember what you guys learned [at the Weekend to Remember].”
The most important change
As wonderful as these changes are, the most important thing that happened at the Weekend to Remember was that Mark and I prayed and invited Jesus Christ into our lives. That was really powerful for both of us.
I had heard people in our business talk about finding God and I wondered, What are they talking about? I can’t really explain what happened at the conference spiritually, but it was like an “Aha!” moment, and I finally understood what finding God meant.
Having Christ at the center of our lives and marriage has been huge. When we are having difficulties I will pray, “Lord, I can’t do this on my own. Will you help me to get over this?”
Today Mark is much more open about talking about God with me, our kids, and others. I have seen him say to people, “I’ll pray about this.” I had never seen that side of him before.
When I first heard about the Weekend to Remember and read some of the testimonials about the conference, I wondered how one weekend could really change marriages that were so close to ending. I no longer have to wonder. Mark and I just have to look in the mirror and remember what God did in our lives and legacy.
On May 28, 2000, the pastor at Rosedale Park Baptist Church in Detroit made an odd announcement: “There’s going to be a wedding after the service. Hank and Ruth invite all of you to stay.”
Yes, Hank Robinson and Ruth Dilworth were finally getting married. They dated for four years, and even taught a class together for singles and helped couples prepare for marriage. But Hank didn’t ask Ruth to marry him until some older men at church asked what he was going to do with his life. “That woman out there loves you,” one of them said. “She should be your wife. Stop playing around.”
So on a Saturday, Hank asked Ruth if she really wanted to get married and she said, “Yes.” Within a few days they had their marriage license and wedding rings. And now, here they were at the 11 a.m. service on Sunday, about to get married.
Many in the church considered them to be marriage experts. That’s a bit surprising since neither had been successfully married—Ruth was divorced and had a son, while Hank had a son by a failed relationship. But in 2000 they had each been single for years, and by that time they were both leading godly lives. “As we read and studied we really believed we were ready for marriage ourselves,” Ruth says.
They were so sure that their marriage would succeed that when their pastor gave them a book about marriage, they gave it back. “What could we possibly learn by reading it?” they wondered. “What could possibly go wrong?”
They thought they knew the answers
Ruth and Hank met at church and dated mostly on weekends, talking a lot by phone. When they mentored engaged couples, they urged them to ask one another hard questions about family backgrounds, finances, and children. But these “experts” never bothered to ask themselves those same questions. They thought they knew all the answers.
It wasn’t until after their wedding that they realized how unprepared they were for married life. Ruth was a decisive, independent woman who had a hard time trusting men. She acted like she knew more than Hank about running a household and said she didn’t need or want his leadership or financial advice. That’s because Ruth thought she and her new husband would live parallel lives. That he would continue going to work and doing whatever else he did before they married, and that she would do the same thing.
A tall, quiet man, Hank had not expected this type of home life. He wanted to swoop in and take care of his bride. But that dream was dashed with their first argument—about where they should live. Hank thought Ruth would move into his house, while she said she wanted to stay in her own home because it was larger. Knowing he would not win the argument, Hank reluctantly gave into Ruth’s demands.
A terrible nightmare
Hank knew Ruth’s 20-year-old son would live with them for a short while. But neither he nor Ruth was prepared for the impact an almost-grown son would have on their relationship with each other. Feeling like an outsider, Hank was reluctant to talk with his wife about it.
Nor did they discuss their likes and dislikes when it came to their home’s atmosphere. Hank enjoyed movies and music and watching TV, while Ruth didn’t care if the television was ever on. She rarely watched movies or listened to music. Since she worked from home, she wanted things to be quiet.
Hank paid credit cards off at the end of every month. Ruth? Well, she would pay a little here and a little there.
Within six months, the tension and arguing in the Robinson household led them to wonder if they had made a huge mistake. The only reason they didn’t file for divorce was they didn’t want to be ridiculed by their friends and family.
Finally reaching his breaking point, Hank longed so much for his bachelor life that he didn’t come home one day. Instead he escaped to his old house, where everything was exactly like he had left it. He took a shower, lay down for a nap, and had a horrible dream—that he was married. When he awoke he briefly thought his marriage to Ruth had just been a nightmare.
And then there was the day when Ruth became an escape artist herself. She decided she didn’t even like Hank … she wanted him out of her once peaceful house. She was so tired of debating over finances that while he was at work she packed her bags and checked into a hotel, without telling him where she was.
“In my foolishness, in my hotel room, I felt like I had such peace,” Ruth recalls. But after about two or three days she sensed God telling her, “It’s time to go home.”
‘We needed help’
Hank and Ruth both realized they needed to change. “If we were going to make this marriage work, if we were going to represent Christ, we needed help,” Ruth says.
They began attending Evangel Ministries, a church that had a marriage ministry. On their first Sunday there, the couples in the marriage class were talking about the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Hank was delighted when they began with the wife. Yes, He thought, Finally Ruth is going to learn how to do this!
But two weeks later, when he heard about the roles and responsibilities of a husband, he wasn’t so all-knowing. Did I really sign up for all of this? he wondered.
For the next three years, the Robinsons continued to attend the marriage class in their new church. They also went to a local marriage conference. Then, after they had been married for about five years, they heard about a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway coming to Detroit and decided to give it a try.
“The only person I could change was myself”
When the Robinsons first sat in the getaway ballroom, they tried not to touch. But Hank made sure he was close enough to elbow Ruth during the messages and say, “Are you hearing this?”
During the next three days, both Ruth and Hank heard a lot of things.
He discovered that Ruth was a gift to him from God, not his enemy. That true leadership includes servanthood. He also learned the importance of showing Ruth love and respect and understood sometimes Ruth and he just had different perspectives on life. Hank vowed to do a better job of not only hearing Ruth’s words, but also listening to her heart.
Ruth learned to look at her own faults and weaknesses. “I also realized that I had brought a lot of baggage to the marriage table,” she says. “That the only person I could change was myself.” She understood that demanding the last word in an argument is a sure path to isolation.
She vowed to stop focusing on Hank’s faults and begin looking for the many things he does right. For several years she had been married to a faithful, loyal man, but now she realized it.
With a fresh understanding of God’s design for marriage, the Robinsons recognized how unprepared they had been for their marriage. They had each brought their own ideas about it into their relationship. They never considered that God might have a specific plan.
“God ordained marriage,” Hank says. “It’s not the marriage that’s messed up, it’s the people that are mixed up.”
A complete turnaround
Today Hank and Ruth are directors of the marriage ministry at Evangel Ministries church. Their advice to engaged couples is simple: Get premarital counseling, and go to a Weekend to Remember getaway.
“We are tough on premarital counseling,” Ruth says. They use the FamilyLife book Preparing for Marriage, and take couples through several months of training.
They also joined their local Weekend to Remember volunteer team to help promote the getaway in the Detroit area. Knowing what God can do through a Weekend to Remember, over the years they have brought about 200 couples to getaways.
The more the Robinsons have invested in their marriage, the stronger it has become. They are amazed at how similar they are today. Now they enjoy sitting side-by-side, listening to music together, laughing, and joking. It’s been a complete turnaround.
Hank says when he married Ruth, he was known as a get-to-the-point person. His conversations were short and concise. Ruth, on the other hand, painted detailed verbal pictures. Now Hank often talks on and on and tells elaborate stories. Ruth’s response? “Get to the point.”
And when Hank gets home from work these days, he often hears music playing.
Now happily married for years, neither Hank nor Ruth consider themselves to be marriage experts. But they do consider themselves to be on a lifelong journey to becoming one in heart and soul.
Some would call me “directionally-challenged.” While my husband, Jim, seems to know where he is at all times, I have difficulty following a map or someone’s directions. I’ve been lost more often than I’d like to admit.
It happened again when I went to visit a new friend who lives in the country. She gave me specific instructions to her home. I scribbled them on a piece of paper: ” … You’ll end up on a dirt road and will eventually see an old bridge. Take an immediate left—our house will be on the left.”
About an hour later I was driving to my friend’s and enjoying the country landscape: massive farms, hay bales, countless barking dogs. I spotted a beautiful old bridge and stopped to take the picture you see here. A recent winter storm had left some ice and snow on it, and some tree limbs partially covered the muddy road ahead.
I continued on until a tree blocked the way. Thinking I had driven too far, I tried to call my friend on my cell phone but was in a dead zone. All I saw was the feared message, “Call not allowed.”
After turning around, once again I approached the beautiful old bridge. The phone rang. Yes, the same one that wouldn’t work just minutes before.
“Where are you?” my friend asked.
I explained my dilemma.
“Oh, I can see you!” she said.
I was dumbfounded. “See me? Are you looking down from a ridge?”
“No, I’m looking from a window in my house.”
That’s when I realized that I had missed one little turn immediately after the old bridge. That one small oversight had made a big difference.
Country roads and marriage
As a writer for FamilyLife, I’ve interviewed a lot of people about how God moved in their marriages. From them I’ve realized how easy it is to miss an important turn in a marriage relationship. At times don’t we all forget the simplest directions?
Here are four reminders for fellow travelers—those driving down unfamiliar country roads or whizzing on the highway of married life:
1. Overconfidence is not a good thing.
“Pride goes before destruction.” Proverbs 16:18
As I left home to see my new friend, I had foolishly believed that my scribbled notes were totally right, that I could not possibly get lost. Being too confident is not a good thing.
I’ve seen this truth not only in my personal life, but also as I’ve written stories about changed lives. There seems to be a common thread in all of these stories—the thought that, This will never happen to me!
In the article, “The Lost Decade,” Mike and Pam Calvert describe the first 13 years of their marriage as a dream come true. But things began to change after they befriended a couple from their church.
Mike began developing an inappropriate friendship with the wife. But when Pam told him the relationship wasn’t right, he became angry, saying it was her problem. They began to grow more and more isolated, and less than two years later, the Calverts were divorced.
Watch out if you begin to think, I will never be unfaithful or, I could never do that to my spouse.
2. You will reap the consequences of your actions.
Thus says the Lord God: Because you have forgotten me and cast me behind your back, you yourself must bear the consequences …” Ezekiel 23:35
Scott Jennings never dreamed that he would cross the line and be unfaithful to Sherry. But somehow it happened. Scott turned to a woman at work for a listening ear, and that led to an inappropriate friendship and emotional attachment, which led to infidelity. The story of his shattered marriage is told in “He Lived a Double Life.”
Consider the consequences of your actions, in the big and small decisions of life. Author Stephen Covey puts it this way: “While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”
3. God wants us to follow all of the directions that He gives for life (His Word).
“So you shall remember and do all my commandments, and be holy to your God.” Numbers 15:40
When Hal Walker’s 32-year-old wife woke up from a coma, she had no memory of her family. Many of Hal’s friends suggested that he divorce Beth. In the article “She Didn’t Know She Was Married,” he describes his decision as simple: He knew God hated divorce, and he knew he didn’t have biblical grounds to end the marriage. For more than 20 years he has stood by Beth rebuilding his marriage.
Regardless of where life takes us, God meant for everything in His Word to be followed. His directions matter.
4. It’s never too late to turn around.
“God-defiers are always in trouble; God-affirmers find themselves loved every time they turn around.” Psalm 32:10 (The Message)
After 34 years of marriage, Lamar Sims told his wife, June, that he wanted a divorce: “I don’t love you. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.”
In the article “Her Husband Wouldn’t Speak to Her for Three Years,” June says that she still loved her husband and didn’t want to end their marriage. Angered by her refusal to grant a divorce, Lamar stopped talking to her. So she continued living with Lamar—in silence—and waited for God to act. Three long years later, God answered her prayers.
It’s never too late to turn around on a dirt road … or in a dying marriage. Nothing is impossible for God.
Prone to wander
I know better than to vow that I won’t get lost again. Like the old hymn says, I am “prone to wander.”
But the next time that I lose my way, I want to remember that God really does see me. And He is ready and able to help (Psalm 46:1).
Editor’s Note: Josh McDowell, an internationally known author and speaker, was interviewed on FamilyLife Today about his book, Undaunted, which tells the story of his life and his difficult childhood years.The following was adapted and condensed from this interview.
Dennis: You described your father in the book as a pioneer.
Josh: My father was a small man. He must have been pretty sharp because he became the manager of a huge A&P store. Everything was going well. But alcohol got to him. He lost the store and everything. We ended up on a farm.
I would go out to the barn, at age 8 or 9 years, and see my mother lying in the manure, in a gutter, behind the cows. My father, where he was half-drunk, would yank the air holes off the milk pipes and beat my mother to a bloody pulp … until she was so weak and bloody she couldn’t stand up. I remember running in, and pushing him, and kicking him. All I ever wanted was for him to stop hurting my mother, whom I loved so much.
I grew up with guilt that it was my fault that my father was able to hurt my mother because I couldn’t stop him. I remember that first time I could stop him—I felt so good. I felt like I was relieved from all of the guilt—that, “Now, I could do it!”
Bob: There was a sense of needing to protect your mom that was bone-deep inside of you.
Josh: Oh, and my sisters and all. I felt a need that if I didn’t protect them, I wasn’t a loving brother.
Bob: Were you the youngest in the family?
Josh: Yes, I was the baby. There were five of us.
Bob: Where were they in the midst of all of this?
Josh: They had all pretty much left home because they were so much older than I was.
Bob: But they had to know what was going on, back at the farm, with little Josh?
Josh: I’m sure they did—with the alcohol.
But probably equal to the alcohol and the violence in the family [was that] for seven years, every week, I was abused in my own home by a man by the name of Wayne Bailey. He had been hired to be a cook and a housekeeper on the farm because my mom was so big her body could not carry her weight. She was in bed all of the time. The doctors would come out to put her hips back in place.
So, they hired Wayne to be a cook and a housekeeper. [When my mom would leave the house], she would always grab my shirt, make me stand in front of Wayne Bailey, and she would say: “Now, Josh. You obey Wayne. You do everything he tells you to do. If you’re disobedient, you’re going to get a thrashing when I get home.” And you did not want a thrashing from my mother!
When I was 9 years old, I got up the courage … to go to my mother and tell her [about the abuse]. She wouldn’t believe me. She made me go out in back. We had this huge willow tree, and I had to break off a twig. She made me take off my shirt, and she whipped me. Boy, can I still feel it! She whipped me until I said I was sorry for lying. That was probably the loneliest, most fearful, scary day of my life because, [being] 9 years old, I knew that what was being done to me was evil. [And] I couldn’t do anything about it. My parents wouldn’t do anything about it.
I remember being so scared and fearful. It even affects me today. If I’m in a room alone … and any man walks into the room … an instant fear grips me, only for several seconds. I can’t explain it; it just grips me!
Finally, [when I was] 13 years old, my mom had gone downtown with my dad. Wayne Bailey came up and put his hand on my shoulder. I spun around, and cupped my hand around his throat, and pushed him against the wall. I said, “If you ever touch me again, I will kill you.” He never touched me again.
But I’m so thankful I came to know Jesus because between my dad, and Wayne Bailey, and the violence in my family, I would have destroyed my marriage. I would have destroyed my family. I would have destroyed my life, and I never would have followed Jesus.
Bob: … Evil was done, but God has redeemed it and used it for good. It’s hard to even think that there could be any gratitude. That you wouldn’t just wall off that part of your life and say, “I wish it had never happened.”
Josh: I trusted Jesus at the university. Most people think I had an intellectual problem with Christianity. Well, I did … but my greatest problem was not intellectual.
People would say to me, “You have a heavenly Father who loves you.” That didn’t bring joy into my life. That brought pain because I was not able … to discern the difference between a heavenly Father and an earthly father. I looked at God [and thought], I’m not going to look up to God. He’ll hurt me if He is my heavenly Father. That was one of the greatest barriers I had to overcome.
After I trusted Jesus, I had to tell someone [about the abuse]. It was just a burning fire in my chest that I had to tell somebody! I don’t think I was looking for answers. I don’t think I was looking for counseling or anything. I really believe I just wanted someone to believe me. So, I went to the man who led me to Christ, a pastor of a little, tiny church, a very wise man. I called him up and asked, “Can I come over and talk?” I went over, and I sat there for 45 minutes, and I couldn’t say it. Finally, I just blurted it out; and he believed me!
Oh guys, it was like being born again. He believed me. For six months, he mentored me out of the Scriptures. People say to me, “Why do you have such deep convictions that the Bible is true?” I say, “Well, for one, intellectually, I know it is true; but emotionally, it has changed my life.”
When Laura and Steve Byers traveled 5,000 miles to Ukraine, they didn’t know the name of the little girl they would adopt. They had no idea what she would look like, or how old she would be. And they couldn’t
comprehend how much she would change their lives.
“How will we know it’s her?” Laura had asked their translator.
His answer was simple: “You’ll know.”
Unlike many countries, the law in Ukraine does not allow adoptive parents to preselect their child. The Byers had made the long trip from Maryland on faith, trusting that God would lead them. After they arrived at the government agency in Kiev, they were given a large book and told that they’d have about an hour to choose the child who would join their home.
The book was filled with pictures of boys and girls who had no moms or dads. “There were a lot of really difficult situations,” Laura says. As the minutes on the clock clicked by, the government worker pulled out some additional files for them to consider.
When they opened Avonlea’s file Steve said, “I think that we should see her.” He had been drawn to her eyes. “Her facial expression was so sad … but you could tell there was something very bright about this girl. She was very pretty.”
And because of her natural beauty, Steve recalled some statistics that he had read about children who age-out of orphanages in Ukraine. About 50 percent of the girls turn to prostitution.
The orphanage director told the Byers that Avonlea had nobody. “She has no family … She has no one who wants to adopt her …”
“Those words, they pierce you,” Laura says. “That’s a very sad thing to hear.”
How it started
It was February 2012 when Laura started to seriously consider the plight of the orphan—how heartbreaking it is for a child to have no family. At that time she was at the airport to meet her friends Heather and Erik, who were bringing their new daughter home from Ukraine.
The little girl, who had blonde hair and blue eyes, seemed understandably timid and exhausted after traveling halfway across the world. Laura was struck by the fact that if Heather and Erik had not taken such drastic steps to pursue this child, “she more than likely would never have been adopted.”
A few weeks later Laura asked her husband what he thought about filling the spare bed in their daughter’s room. “The conversation unfolded,” she says, “and he listened to what God was doing in my heart.” Laura believed that the Lord would give both of them a mutual desire to adopt if it was something that He wanted them to do.
Within the week, Steve told Laura that he had been praying about the possibility of adoption since meeting their friends’ Ukrainian daughter for the first time. He spoke of the 143 million orphans around the globe. “I think that all of the statistics and magazine articles that I had ever read were kind of thrown out the window at that moment,” Steve says. “These hard cold numbers suddenly turned into this beautiful little girl who needed a mom and a dad.”
A forever home
The Byers started working with Lifeline Children’s Services, an adoption agency in Alabama. About a year later they met Avonlea in the Ukrainian orphanage. Avonlea’s head was downcast when she walked into the room to meet her prospective parents. Still, there was something about the little girl that drew the Byers to her.
When Laura held Avonlea’s hand, she remembered the translator’s words about how she would know her child. She had an overwhelming sense of peace; Avonlea was to be their daughter. Tears filled Steve’s eyes, “It was not so much that we were coming to her, but that God was presenting her to us.”
Now knowing who they had come so far to adopt, the Byers began a rigorous schedule that included visits with Avonlea, paperwork, appointments with doctors, and court dates. Steve returned to Maryland while Laura finished the final details in Ukraine, which included a 10-day waiting period (to allow anyone to contest the adoption).
Finally, on February 5, 2013, it was time for Laura and Avonlea to go home. When they arrived at Washington Dulles International Airport they were welcomed by a myriad of friends and family. The three other Byers children—Addison, Adelaide, and Avery—held signs that they had made for their new sister.
Today Avonlea is adjusting well to life in her new family. She and her sister are very close; Laura describes them as “two peas in a pod.” Now 5 years old, Avery still prays, “Lord, thank you that we ‘odopted’ Avonlea.”
The reunion
Since adopting Avonlea, the Byers developed relationships with other families who have adopted children from her Ukrainian orphanage. “We found ourselves in this little adoption family,” Laura says. The Byers held a reunion for the girls in June 2013. When
Avonlea saw her best friend from Ukraine, she was overjoyed.
As the adoptive parents of the 11 girls gathered that reunion weekend, they realized the significance of the occasion. “Just to see the joy in their eyes,” Laura says, “to have a connection to a child’s past … is a gift from God.”
Avonlea and her “Ukrainian sisters” are no longer cold statistics of orphans who will age-out of a governmental system. Instead, they are each beloved children, each in forever families of their very own.
Pictures used with permission of Elise Photography.
Grant and Melody (not their real names, but a real story), raised their son, Finn, in a traditional, faith-based home. When he graduated from college, Finn decided to join an online dating service to assist him in finding a wife. He didn’t know how to carefully ask questions of his future bride, and ended up in a very difficult marriage to Shannon.
Sometime within the first 18 months of their son’s marriage, Grant and Melody became concerned. The young couple said some things that indicated they were having financial struggles. Every six months they moved to a new apartment, but then suddenly bought a house, so Grant and Melody thought things had worked out. Strangely, though, Finn hadn’t consulted them, relying solely on input from his in-laws during their home purchase.
About a year later Finn and Shannon approached Grant and Melody needing money to make their mortgage payment. Wanting to help, Grant and Melody decided to lend the couple enough money to make the payment, and clearly communicated the repayment terms. They allowed Shannon to work off some of the debt by cleaning their home, deducting a fair wage each time she did. Shannon cleaned their home three times, and then decided that she’d rather not do the work.
Over the next few weeks Shannon and Finn both bought new tattoos, and Shannon purchased a purebred golden retriever for her brother’s birthday present. It wasn’t long after this that the loan payments stopped and Finn stopped returning his parents’ phone calls.
Three months later Grant and Melody learned that the kids’ had been evicted by the bank and their home had been repossessed. By this time, Grant and Melody were fairly certain that they’d never see their money again.
The young couple moved in with Shannon’s parents, Bob and Carol. Early on Thanksgiving morning Grant and Melody’s doorbell rang. Bob and Finn were standing there wanting to talk. Bob started by lecturing Grant and Melody about the importance of supporting their kids, and then encouraged them to show their love for Finn and Shannon by giving them a financial gift to make this Thanksgiving a time for them to be truly thankful.
Months earlier, Grant had learned some family history about Bob and Carol, which included some serious financial troubles and a home foreclosure. Grant and Melody felt extremely uncomfortable with Bob’s request for money, but said that they would consider it.
Grant and Melody decided not to give any more money to their kids, and when they consulted us we encouraged them to stand firm with their decision.
Often gifts of money do nothing but delay the inevitable and often short-circuit the learning process. We reminded them that just like a drowning man could pull his rescuer under water, they could easily become financially compromised if they continued to bailout the kids. They may lose touch with Finn for a while, but we are convinced that eventually the good values they have infused in his life will help to restore the relationship and possibly his good financial sense too.
What can a parent do?
Grant and Melody’s story is not uncommon. What can you, as a loving parent, do to truly help your children in a financial crisis without jeopardizing your own financial security? We recommend moderate actions to help, while measuring your child’s commitment to real financial change. If his desire is superficial, you’ll soon know and won’t have invested thousands of dollars in a failed effort. If his intentions are genuine, your help may be the best encouragement you could give him.
Here are six effective bailout ideas to help without enabling:
1. Education. Buy him a book on managing finances or debt reduction or pay for him to attend a Crown Ministries or Financial Peace University class.
2. Groceries. Buy him a grocery gift card, several bags of groceries, or put together a care package and leave it anonymously on his doorstep. Everyone has to eat, and this can free up money to pay bills. If he continues to struggle for several months, help him locate nearby food banks or apply for food stamps.
3. Utility bills. Pay a bill or two, directly to the utility company. Don’t give cash to your child.
4. Counseling. Pay for several sessions with a counselor to help your child get back on track mentally, physically, or relationally.
5. Medical bills. If your child is dealing with a serious medical condition and bills are piling up, contact a hospital social worker or a medical billing advocate (BillAdvocates.com). Consider paying a doctor directly for a past-due bill.
6. Practical help. Rather than giving your child money, visit him (even if he lives out of town) and offer to repair, improve, and organize things around his home.
And here are some things that won’t help:
1. Money. Unless there has been evidence of good financial management skills in the past, cash bailouts simply delay the inevitable and create financial dependence, not independence.
2. Loans. Usually a consolidation loan or another type of borrowing isn’t going to solve the problem. But if your child thinks borrowing is the answer, let her go through the process of working with a bank. Bankers are more careful and less emotional than parents. If the banker won’t lend her the money, there’s probably a good reason why you shouldn’t either. If you do decide to lend your child money, write up a contract and stick to it.
3. Cosigning. Don’t do it unless you’re willing and able to pay for the entire item or loan yourself. Once again, if a lender says that they need a cosigner, then they probably think the borrower isn’t credit worthy.
Bailout policy
Unlike many governments, we have a limited bailout policy. If our kids dig a hole for themselves, we’ll counsel, encourage, and help them find resources, but we won’t write a check to have the hole filled for them. There is much value in having to think and work your way out of a problem you created. Albert Einstein agreed when he said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.”
If we bail out our adult kids, there is a great likelihood that they won’t invest the mental energy to truly solve the root of their financial dilemma. The lesson will be unlearned and the problem repeated, costing even more next time.
Some of you may say, “Not bailing out your kids is totally uncaring. You’re family, and that’s what family is for!” We totally disagree. Is it truly loving to continuously enable self-destructive behavior?
One night as I went out for a run, I thought about the thankless task of parenting—raising children is a tough job. Barbara and I had six kids in 10 years. Changing diapers, wiping runny noses, and hauling kids back and forth was a way of life. As I rounded the bend in the road, I felt the fresh air jogging a new thought in my mind: Someone did this for me growing up. In that moment, the value of what my folks had done for me finally dawned on me.
Come to think of it, as a baby I never rolled over and thanked my mother for changing my diaper. I don’t recall thanking her as a toddler for mopping the floor after I spilled my milk—for the third time—during lunch. I never thanked my mom for being there for me when I was running a fever in the middle of the night. And yet, my mother and father’s thankless labor of love has forever shaped my life.
Years ago, Barbara and I visited some of the old cathedrals in Great Britain. One of the things that we noticed in those great cathedrals was the tributes to mothers and fathers by children who wrote about them after their parents had died. These tender words of praise had been carefully carved into marble, permanently displayed on the ancient walls. As I read some of the tributes, I wondered, Why wait until death to celebrate the life of a parent?
The legacy my parents left is more than writing etched in marble; it’s the permanent etching on a little boy that will never be forgotten. My mother and father, Ward and Dalcie Rainey, were incredible influences on my life.
My father was a man of impeccable morals and had more influence on my life than any other man. He taught me character and integrity. He showed me how to be successful and how to compete fairly. He left me with a thousand memories of playing catch, camping, fishing, and living life.
My mother was tenacious, a leader, and impressed upon me that family life was to be treasured. That’s why her home was more than four walls, a roof, and a street address. Mom made sure our house was a place that embraced relationships. What’s more, I’m eternally grateful that she led me to Christ as a 6-year-old boy.
When was the last time you thought about the sacrifices that your mother and father made for you as a child or even an adult? Have you evaluated the impact they’ve had on your life? I want to encourage you to consider how you can honor your parents with more than just a store-bought card, candy, or even a new tool or appliance.
Give them the honor they deserve.
After all, honoring parents is close to the heart of God. He said, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Exodus 20:12). Think about it. His command is radical in an age where we’re encouraged to look backwards to blame, throw stones, and find fault with our parents. Instead, the Lord wants us to appreciate and esteem our parents as human beings created in His image. Let this spring be the beginning of an era of honor, starting with four practical steps.
First, spend time with your parents on their agenda, not yours.
That may mean visiting or calling them regularly. That was one very important lesson I learned from my father. I can still recall watching him on numerous occasions get up after dinner and a hard day’s work, say goodbye to my mother and me, and walk a few blocks over to his mother’s house. I went with him on more than one occasion. I would sit there and listen to the tick of the cuckoo clock and the creak of my grandmother’s rocking chair. There wasn’t a lot of conversation; there certainly wasn’t any “entertainment value” for a young man. There was only the sense of my dad honoring his mom.
In today’s fast-paced society this kind of commitment may be too much to orchestrate. As a matter of fact, there was a time in my life when I found it very difficult to stay in touch with Mom. Our kids were young, Barbara had several medical problems, and there were high demands on time. Still, I tried to call her at least once a week to keep in touch. We made trips to Missouri to visit her several times a year. We made an extra effort to pass through my hometown as a family and stay with her a couple of days on our way to or from ministry assignments.
A second way to honor your parents is through handwritten letters.
If you’re like me, you quickly go through the mail to find the stamped pieces, and then carefully inspect those to see any handwritten addresses from a friend. In this junk-laden world, nothing shows appreciation like sitting down and taking the time to write out a lengthy letter—on paper, not e-mail.
My father died unexpectedly before I had the chance to tell him everything I wanted to say, so I promised myself that I would not let that happen with my mom. Looking back on our relationship, I feel like I did everything I could to make sure my relationship with Mom was kept alive and that she felt appreciated and encouraged. After she died, however, I realized I really could have done more.
As Barbara and I packed her keepsakes, and after going through the top drawer of her bedroom dresser, I noticed there weren’t enough handwritten letters. Mom had saved every letter I’d ever sent. Standing in her room, I wondered how many times those letters were read and re-read. There were notes from my kids stuffed in her drawer along with pictures that Barbara and I had sent. To me, that’s a statement of how lonely the latter years of our lives can be and how important it is for us as children to keep that relationship intact.
A third way to honor your parents is to never underestimate the power of saying, “I love you.”
Can you ever say, “I love you,” enough? Almost all of us love our parents, and we often take it for granted that they know. When was the last time you said, “Mom [or] Dad, I love you”? If the relationship between you has hardened, his or her heart may not be able to receive that message. Don’t let that discourage you. Your words of love are exactly what your mother or father needs to hear.
I understand that you might not have had the kind of relationship with your parents that I had with my parents. Maybe there was some abuse or neglect, and you aren’t ready to take bold steps of love at this point. Perhaps the mere thought of saying, “I love you,” to a seemingly unworthy parent makes you angry. You don’t want to express love. You don’t want to forgive.
But you and I are commanded to forgive. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” If you are having a difficult time honoring your parents, take baby steps. That’s all the Lord requires of us. Step out in faith from where you are and depend on God to give you the strength to do the right thing.
Finally, a great way to honor your parents is by writing and presenting a tribute.
Within the next couple of weeks, sit down for an extended period of time and write out a tribute. List the things you appreciate about your parents; the way they have provided for you, cared for you, or showed love to you over the years. Include the traits you admire about them. Is your father a hard worker? Is your mother hospitable? Is she a great cook? Does your father have a wonderful smile? Your tribute doesn’t have to be long; what matters most is that your words flow from your heart.
When you’re finished, type it and have it professionally framed. Then read it to your parents on a special occasion such as a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. (For more information about writing a tribute, read the article “The Best Gift You Can Give Your Parents.” You can also see examples of tributes at the end of that article, including the ones I wrote for my parents.) I promise, a tribute is a gift your parents will treasure for the rest of their lives.
I first wrote a tribute to my mother in 1988, and I’m glad I wrote it when she was alive instead of writing it for her eulogy. As I sat in her funeral, I felt satisfied, knowing that I had told her everything that I ever wanted to say. No regrets.
I’ve heard many stories over the years about the healing that can take place in a relationship with parents when a child makes the effort to honor them. I’ve even received letters from folks who have written tributes to unsaved relatives; the heart-to-heart expression of love in a tribute has cracked open the door, making it possible to be able to explain how Jesus died on the cross for them. Often Christians run home with the truth before running home with love and honor. I wonder sometimes if our parents are waiting for us to honor them before they receive our Savior.
Whether your parents are saved or still in need of a Savior, there’s not a better opportunity to begin the process of honoring your parents than right now.
Eight months ago my wife, Emily, and I received our first son, Isaac, through the blessing of adoption. We have spent many years praying about the right time for our family to adopt and felt God moving us toward adoption last year. Though we read tons of books on parenting during five years of marriage, I was shocked by how under-prepared we were for the realities of the task.
Becoming a father adds a strange and new dynamic to marriage, even if you have a healthy relationship. There are multiple lessons to be learned—about being a dad and about being a good husband/leader.
Dad lessons
1. Just survive. Even though we were not expecting a fairy-tale baby, we drastically underestimated how hard the adjustment would be. Everything that he needed we had to provide, which meant less time for our own interests. A lot less! Those first few months were just downright hard.
The temptation for any new dad is to escape the madness. If you are expecting your first child soon, all I can say is … just survive. Grit your teeth and just get through it. Every parent goes through it. I guarantee you, better days are coming. It will get better.
2. Understand your anger. In general, I’ve rarely struggled with a temper. In 20 years of playing organized basketball I have only been charged with one technical foul. But during the first few months as a parent I was shocked and even embarrassed at how angry I could get.
All the crying can really take its toll. There was one Saturday that I decided to give Emily a day out to herself, which meant Isaac and me, all day, together (I can hear every woman laughing now). He literally cried from the moment she started the car until five minutes before she returned. She was gone for eight hours. It was as if someone was scraping five-inch nails across a chalkboard all day long.
After opening up to a few people, I found that I was not alone. I found that most new parents wonder if there is something wrong with them because of how angry they get. My mother-in-law even admitted she scared herself with how angry she became.
Although our anger reached new levels, I learned that this is a perfect opportunity to become more like Jesus. Often with increased anger, sin follows closely. In Ephesians 4:26, Paul tells us, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” I’ve often had to seek forgiveness from Emily for my attitude, and way before the sun ever started to set.
I also started asking forgiveness from Isaac. He may not understand what I am saying, but it provides great practice for me as he grows up. Forgiveness is something that we continually need to seek from others as we follow Jesus.
3. Remember that this is God’s child. One night Emily and I were talking about different decisions we would make as Isaac grows. At some point in the conversation we just stopped. We realized that we can’t protect him from everything. And we can’t provide everything he will ever want or need. But we know who can.
God loves my son more than I could ever love him. He cares for Isaac more than I ever could.
I can’t explain how liberating it is to say out loud to each other that, “We can’t, but God can.” He has given us the awesome responsibility to train this little boy. This is His child. What an amazing thing to know that God loves Isaac more than I do.
Husband lessons
1. Man up and grab a diaper.As a new dad, it’s easy for me to withdraw and make an excuse that Emily is better at taking care of Isaac and that she doesn’t need me. But she does need me.
This gives me great opportunity as a man to be creative. I must look for ways to serve around the house and play an active part in raising Isaac with Emily. I’ve found that I can be very helpful by taking care of all the dishes, changing diapers, keeping up on household cleaning, and taking out the trash.
Part of being a family leader is learning to anticipate needs that are coming before being asked to do them. When I look to serve Emily—just to purely serve and take some burden off of her—it goes a long way. In Ephesians, Paul calls all men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Christ lived so sacrificially for the church that he died for it.
Why is it that we would be willing to take a bullet for our wives, but we forget the simple act of serving them? It could be as simple as holding the baby for 30 minutes after work to give my wife a needed break. So when I feel the urge to flop down into the recliner, I just need to make sure I have the baby with me.
2. Dates are essential. Getting away together is essential to our marriage. This allows us to fight isolation by feeling like normal people. We can concentrate more on each other rather than the needs of Isaac. Isaac is very important, but our marriage is the top priority.
It is also very important to spend some time in conversation about things other than Isaac. We are still real people. What has been going on with each of us? What has God taught us? Where would we like to go on our next vacation?
This is essential in keeping our sanity. Our family can’t be all about him. And dates don’t necessarily have to be in the evening. Dropping Isaac off at someone’s house on a Saturday to get a few hours out together, even if it is just going to the grocery store, is worth it.
3. Stop and enjoy the moment.There have been so many special moments with Isaac. It was exciting to see his smile develop and to watch him learn to laugh. I think I could sit for hours and just watch him peacefully sleep.
Many dads miss these little moments. They miss the birth. They miss the first few years. They miss the school years. They are living in the same house, but miss speaking into the lives of their children. I know many parents who turn around after their kids leave the house and ask, “Where did the time go?” No offense to these parents, but I want to be able to turn around when my kids leave the house and say, “I know exactly where the time has gone. Emily and I have been there hand in hand every step of the way.”
God calls me as a parent to train up our children. That means it is my responsibility, not someone else’s. I won’t miss the moments with my kids. There are so many things in this world vying for the attention of Isaac, and I need to be the voice of truth and love in his life.
I may never achieve perfection. In fact, I will screw up. But learning is a process. Striving to be more like Jesus and love my wife is hard work.
The same is true for you. You don’t have to be perfect today—just work a little each day to love your wife and kids better. Love with your children is spelled T-I-M-E. That starts right now. Go get ‘em, dads!
I happened to catch a FamilyLife Today®program about daddy-daughter dates, where it was recommended that dads start to date their daughters when they are about 4 or 5 years old. That got my attention because I have a 4-year-old daughter. But the idea of taking her on a date had never crossed my mind.
She has three brothers, including a twin. They are all very close in age. It’s a rough and tumble crowd, but she is my natural-born leader and always right in the middle of the mix. She is smarter, quicker, and can hit just as hard as her brothers. I grew up as one of three rowdy boys, so it honestly did not occur to me that I needed to treat my fiery girl any differently than my wild boys.
But because of the radio program, I went ahead and invited her out on our very first special daddy-daughter date. For nearly three and half hours she talked nonstop over cheeseburgers, fries, and ice cream cones. All I had to do was sit there and look directly into those big blue eyes, smile, nod, and occasionally brush back the stray curl that always seemed to escape from that unruly mop of hers.
Treating her like a little lady
Our date was the first time I had deliberately treated my daughter like a little lady and perhaps the longest amount of time that she had ever had my undivided attention. When we got back home she launched from the cab of my truck and wrapped her little arms tightly around my neck. As she clung to me, unwilling let go, she whispered in my ear, “Thank you, Daddy, for making me feel so special and for being with just me … without the boys!”
I held her for a long time with tears streaming down my face telling her over and over again just how special she was to me and how much I loved her. It was one of the best moments of my life so far … at least until our next date.
Yes, Hank Robinson and Ruth Dilworth were finally getting married. They dated for four years, and even taught a class together for singles and helped couples prepare for marriage. But Hank didn’t ask Ruth to marry him until some older men at church asked what he was going to do with his life. “That woman out there loves you,” one of them said. “She should be your wife. Stop playing around.”
